Timings lost
by hoppinghamster
Summary: When Voyager returns to the Alpha Quadrant Chakotay finds himself with a woman he doesn't love and the woman he does love, thinking he doesn't love her has moved on and found another who's child she now carries, but deep down there is only one she loves. Is their love lost forever? Or can a tiny baby bring them through all the pain?
1. Chapter 1

"Come with us." B'Elanna begged her former commanding officer for what felt like the hundredth time that evening.

"You wont give in will you?" Kathryn said with a crooked smile as she turned from her replicator, coffee mug in hand, to look at the half-klingon watching her on the screen of her comm. line.

"Not until you say you will come." B'Elanna hissed.

Kathryn shook her head with a raised eyebrow "have a good evening B'Elanna" she smirked as she took a sip of the warm drink still watching her old friend from above the rim of the mug.

B'Elanna scowled before snapping "he wont like it."

"Perhaps not" agreed Kathryn with a curt nod.

"But your still not coming?" asked the half klingon who was now fighting with her two year old and very stubborn daughter to put on a dress.

"He's a big man, he can take it." Insisted Kathryn "and besides I have a lot of work to do."

"Kathryn!" came Tom's voice from somewhere in the background over the Comm.

Scowling Kathryn waved her had in a 'I don't care' kind if way and shook her head saying "have a good evening, all three of you, I will see you soon."

"Can the great Kathryn Janeway not take a night off to celebrate her best friends engagement?" Tom asked appearing in view of the screen.

Kathryn's heart tightened at that moment, all she had heard of recently was Chakotay's engagement to Seven of Nine, deep down the last thing her heart needed was to sit through a ball and banquet in calibration of that development in her former first officers relationship with the former Borg drone. "Bye Tom" Kathryn smiled sheepishly before shutting down the comm. line.

Sinking into her chair Kathryn picked up her old fashioned book and tried to distract her self as best she could.

(+)(+)(+)

Kathryn sat alone in the Starfleet head quarter's mess hall sipping coffee and staring into space. The events of the last week had put her on edge, she had found her self second guessing her self and rethinking over her command decisions. It was never good to loose a Starfleet officer but to loose one because you had ordered them into a bad situation, well, for Kathryn that had happened too many times. He was a fine officer and had fought bravely for the sake of his crew, and most off all this commanding officer. He had given his life in the line of duty; he would go out a hero. Of course there were those in Starfleet who did not agree to the memorial about to take place at the headquarters and deep down in hear heart Kathryn knew had she not seen what she had seen or been through what she had in the Delta Quadrant she would have questioned such a memorial service. It was then the self-righteous and smug face of Voyagers own Doctor came into her mind and she knew it would be no different than if Starfleet had lost him, a fine officer. With a heavy sigh Kathryn raised from her seat placing the empty mug on the table, it was time.

Straightening out her admiral dress uniform Kathryn took a step towards the doors of Starfleet's largest hall, the memorial was expected to be packed. Kathryn's heart tightened as she saw a glimpse of the brave Juan Luke Picard stood close to Dr. Beverly Crusher as he rested a hand on her shoulder in comfort. How relaxed they seemed together Kathryn thought as she watched the Enterprise captain with the female member of his crew. "Admiral" a calm feminine voice brought her back to reality before he mind wondered to far.

Spinning round Kathryn found herself face to face with the elegant newly wed Batazoid "Counsellor Troi" Kathryn acknowledged her.

"Thank you for joining us today" the counsellor beamed at her.

Kathryn looked around the extremely full room and saw that virtually all of the admiralty was in attendance before she turned back to the counsellor careful to try to guard her emotions as she said, "it wouldn't be proper for me to not be in attendance."

Councillor Troi merely inclined her head in a curt nod before she whispered in a soft undertone "I have reason to believe you are not merely in attendance because your rank requires it."

Kathryn looked at the younger woman slightly taken aback before saying briskly "please do excuse me, I must offer my condolences to your captain." And with that she quickly turned and was gone.

"Of course" nodded Deanna but Kathryn was already gone.

Kathryn walked slowly up to Captain Picard as he reached to clasp her hand in his "Admiral Janeway" he exclaimed joyfully "how lovely it is to see you once more, you must join us for a drink after the service." He insisted.

"Captain" Kathryn shook her head "surly you would wish to leave that time only for your senior staff"

"My dear admiral" Picard laughed "Voyager's crew know more than any Starfleet crew what it means to bond as a family and to loose one of that family." He told her seriously "Now as the mother of Starfleet's finest family we would only be honoured if you were to join us."

"Captain I-" Kathryn began

"Would be honoured" the strong and deep voice of the man she knew so well interrupted her.

"Excellent" laughed Picard "Would care to join us also Commander?"

"I would equally be honoured" the broad Native American smiled with his dimples flashing as she looked at her former first officer "besides somebody as to attend to keep the admiral in check."

"May the admiral remind you _commander _that she is not a dog or a disobeying child." Growled Kathryn "please Captain, Doctor do excuse me."


	2. Chapter 2

"I upset you haven't I admiral?" Chakotay asked bracing himself for the outburst as he took his seat next to his former captain as the room began to fill the memorial service.

"No" was all Kathryn offered in bitterness without even looking at her former first officer.

"You know if there is one thing you are Kathryn Janeway it is a bad liar." Chakotay told her trying to keep in his smirk but his dimples giving him away.

"There is no need to agree to my invitations on my behalf." She snapped at him trying hard to keep her cool without making eye contact with him sat next to her.

"Would you have said yes?" He asked her calmly.

"That is none of your concern." She snapped at him in a deep undertone.

Chakotay waited steadily for a moment choosing not to say anything and then said softly "you didn't come to my dinner last week."

With his words Kathryn stiffened, she had been waiting for it. Setting her jaw she turned to him and hissed threw gritted teeth "not now commander."

"Is there ever a time with you admiral?" he asked feeling slightly exasperated.

"Commander" she sighed heavily "I have come to the memorial service of one of Starfleet's finest officers, this is not the time to talk with you my attendance or not to your engagement party." With that she rose from her chair, Chakotay quickly tried to follow in her actions but not with much effect "excuse me commander." She said with a curt nod before she was gone from his sight.

"Well done big man." Tom joked as he came up behind the now stunned Native American.

"Tom" growled B'Elanna in warning as she came to join her husband and best friend.

"B'Elanna, tell me something." Chakotay asked, "Why is she avoiding me? Did I upset her?"

"I thought _that _is clear" Snorted Tom which in turn earned him a sharp kick from his wife.

"Chakotay" sighed B'Elanna "you need to give her time to adjust to it, none of this is easy for her, just don't push her."

Chakotay scowled at the young couple now watching him "I am not pushing her, I just want to talk to her. I am aware it's difficult for her loosing command of Voyager and in turn joining the higher, I only want to help." Chakotay felt like all the crew, including Kathryn herself, were blaming him for Kathryn's sadness since their return to earth and it was beginning to frustrate him.

"What a p'tack!" hissed an angry B'Elanna "Kathryn loves being an admiral, sure she misses deep space missions from time to time but what admiral doesn't?"

"I don't understand?" Chakotay asked confused glancing over and the small woman, her auburn hair lining her face and a radiant smile on her lips as she greeted the Wildman's, glancing back at Tom and B'Elanna he asked "how often do you see her these days?"

"When she's not working heavily at least once a week" Tom told him "but all this with the Enterprise took it out of her, she blames herself, as I am sure any commanding admiral would, it's the way of command you know that, but seeing Picard and the crew will help."

Chakotay looked shocked "she was involved with the enterprise incident?" he asked almost horrified.

"She was the Admiral who sent Enterprise in.," sighed B'Elanna "it can't be helped, somebody had to do it, she knew Data was a good officer, just give her chance to morn him."

"Today should bring closure," agreed Tom "then she can return to Vulcan in peace."

"Vulcan?" Chakotay asked in confusion but never got a reply because they were interrupted by admiral Paris who wanted to steel away his son and daughter in law.

Chakotay looked at the woman he would have once called his best friend, two years clearly was a long time, had he known she had been the commanding admiral involved in the Enterprise incident he would have made more of an effort to see she was Ok but life with his beautiful new fiancé had taken over his world. No wonder she was out of sorts today he thought to himself.

(+)(+)(+)

Chakotay tried to talk to Kathryn after the service but she was a very popular woman and many demanded her attention. Always the radiant Starfleet Officer she willingly gave herself and her radiant smile to anybody who wanted her attention, anybody but Chakotay. Slowly the room began to become quieter as most of Starfleet's finest had gone leaving only those involved in the incident, Enterprise crew and Kathryn. Picard seemed to have not noticed the Native American and his beautiful Borg fiancé waiting at the door to talk with the admiral who was keeping herself busy in conversation with the Enterprise's resident Klingon.

It was Deanna Troi finally went over to talk with the couple, "Commander" the half Betazoid said with a smile and curt nod before turning to Seven of Nine who was stood close to his side and greeted the woman with a smile before saying "Seven of Nine isn't it?"

"Indeed, although friends call me Seven." The tall woman stated plainly.

Deanna looked slightly confused as she could sense little emotion from the former Borg before Chakotay smiled and said, "she is saying you may call her Seven."

"I see" smiled Deanna "lovely to meet you seven, have you and Commander Chakotay set a date yet?"

"A date? We have had several." Seven informed her "Would you like the details of each?"

Kathryn who had been talking with Warf not so far away heard what was said and froze loosing her cool, calm, joyful Admirals mask for just a second as Chakotay spluttered quickly interjecting "Seven darling, The commander is asking do we have a day set for our wedding."

Deanna smiled warmly all the while keeping Kathryn in the corner of her eye who had just excused herself from Warf and appeared to want to attract the attention of Captain Picard to bid him farewell. Deanna was brought back to her conversation as Seven said, "not as yet, we hope Admiral Janeway would conduct the ceremony as of jet we have not had sufficient opportunity to request this of her."

"The admiral has a busy schedule" Deanna reminded them with a smile as Chakotay watched her closely, out of the side of his eye he let his eyes wonder to where Kathryn now stood deep in conversation with the captain of Enterprise.

"Tell me" Chakotay asked the half-Betazoid "do you know why Admiral Janeway is avoiding us?"

Before Deanna could reply in a more tactful way Seven of Nine stated coolly "That is obvious for all to see, she still has romantic feelings for you."


	3. Chapter 3

"I fail to understand what you want from me." Kathryn muttered through gritted teeth as she turned to face her ex-first officer who had arrived at her home five minutes before.

"Kathryn I don't want anything from you." He insisted softly.

"No?" she demanded "then why are you here? What does it matter to you if I go to Vulcan or not." She was getting annoyed now; she folded her arms, set her jaw and looked right at him to show her annoyance.

Though he could clearly see she was annoyed he paid little attention as he said "you can't run away from your feelings by hiding half way across the galaxy.

"Hiding?" she demanded "feelings? Do enlighten me Chakotay what feelings am I hiding from?" She was boiling now, how _dare_ he she thought to herself.

Even Chakotay could tell it was time to retreat "Kathryn I merely meant-"

"Yes?" she snapped her hands on hips and her famous Janeway death glare on show.

"Well, Seven said you may-"

"Seven?" That was it for Kathryn that two timing, insensitive Native American had crossed it this time "what pray tell has your _young _and beautiful fiancé been stirring now?"

Something about the way Kathryn said the word 'young' put Chakotay on edge. Deciding to go down another route Chakotay said calmly "Kathryn you cannot deny you have been avoiding us."

"Avoiding you?" she growled at him "now we are back to where we were last week at Commander Data's memorial service." Rubbing her forehead she gave a deep sigh turning back to him and saying "I couldn't make it to your engagement party because I have been busy. Sorry, do pass on my regards and apologies to Seven. I wish you every wealth of happiness."

"Thank You" Chakotay said in a dead pan voice watching her closely as she turned from him as he said cautiously "I trust you will find time to make it to the wedding?"

Kathryn's heart sank, that was exactly what she had been avoiding, that and actually admitting her feelings for Chakotay. Turning right from his as not to let her heart break show she said in what she hoped was an 'I don't care' sort of way "as much as I would love to I am very sorry but I am off world that day."

There was a long silence in which Kathryn didn't turn to look at Chakotay until he slammed his fist on her kitchen table and growled "Damn it Kathryn you don't even know when it is, hell _we _don't even know when it is, We have no date set yet!" With that he made his way to her door "let it not be said that I didn't try, you can't even be honest with me, I would have thought after all this time, all we have been through together you could be at least be honest with me, but maybe I was wrong."

Kathryn turned to face him as she hissed in defence "What did you expect? That I would be _happy_ for you?"

"Yes actually we did, you're supposed to be my best friend, You have been a mother to Seven but as soon as we got home you became so cold towards us. It's pathetic"

"Pathetic?" Kathryn shrieked back horrified at his words.

"You didn't want me so nobody else can have me is that is?" he asked rage and anger boiling "Everyone has to do just what Kathryn wants is that it?"

"Chakotay?" Kathryn whispered hurt coming to the surface as tears mounted in her eyes.

As Chakotay opened her front door to leave he turned to her and said "Do you know what's really sad? Do you? I'll tell you what, we were going to ask you to do the service but Seven was concerned for you as she seemed to think you had romantic feelings for me." With that he laughed a sad laugh before saying "she couldn't be so far from the truth, and to think there was a time when I longed for you to want me that way, now I see all you wanted was a dutiful first officer turned lap dog to pick up your mess."

Hurt Kathryn insisted "that is not true."

"No?" he said stiffly "The sad thing is I was happy being that for you because I truly loved you."

Kathryn didn't have chance to reply because Chakotay slammed her front door in her face and marched off before she could reply. Loved? He _had _Loved her, he timing was lost, she had lost him, and If she couldn't be happy for him she could at least remove herself from his life.


	4. Chapter 4

"Kathryn!" the café owner said as he looked up at his new customer who had just arrived "It's been a while, how was your trip to Vulcan?" he asked with a smile greeting the red headed woman approaching the counter.

"Hot" she said in her deep husky voice "But lovely really, refreshing."

The large man surveyed his customer before asking her "So let me see, Coffee black and a chocolate brownie?"

"Oh yes please Barry, the Vulcan's maybe a lot of things but they have no idea how to make a decent cup of coffee." She said with a laugh and a twinkle in her blue eyes.

Barry laughed "well here's one coming right up, on the house."

"Thanks!" she smiled in a husky voice as he turned to make it.

"Sit down" Barry called out over his shoulder "I'll bring it to you!"

"Thanks' Barry! You're the best" she called in her husky voice as she turned to find a seat she was greeted by her good friend and ex-helms man Tom Paris. "Tom!" she exclaimed embracing the tall younger man in a hug "what on earth are you doing here?"

"I have a meeting with Admiral Killof in an hour, thought I would grab a bit of lunch before." He told her trying to sound innocent enough. Kathryn merely tilted her head, folded her arms, raised her eyebrows and gave him her trade make crooked smile. "Oh all right then, I needed time away from the screaming baby, and besides rumour has it my favourite admiral is back from her two month exile in the land of no emotion."

Kathryn snorted as she took a seat at the window and asked "So who is Admiral Killof? Captain Proton's boss?"

"no his 'get out of responsibility' card" Tom told her with a gleam in his blue eyes.

Kathryn leant back in her chair and shook her head with a smile "Seven years and you were only pretending to be reformed."

"What can I say? I'm a see me see what you get kind of guy." Tom said shrugging his shoulders and laughing saying "no really, Mother and baby are fine, it's them I am waiting for, they have gone with Chakotay to arrange the venue for the big day."

"Oh." Said Kathryn, she had hoped for longer until she had to face the reality of Chakotay's upcoming wedding. Taking a deep breath she asked "anywhere nice?"

"He's hoping for Voyagers Mess Hall." Tom said joyfully just as Barry arrived with Kathryn's coffee.

"What?" she shouted so loud everyone turned to look at her and poor Barry thought she was upset with the Coffee "Chakotay wants to marry Seven of Nine on Voyager?"

Tom tried to reassure Barry with a polite nod and a tap of the arm before saying "B'Elanna said you were going to react like this."

Kathryn completely ignored him as she hissed "Voyager! No way, out of the question."

"Why not?" asked Barry who had gotten to know many of the Voyager crew and didn't see the problem, "it sounds nice, very fitting."

"Fitting?" growled Kathryn trying hard to contain her temper "it's out of the question, Voyager is, well she's _mine_!"

"Chakotay said you would say that." Tom told her with a nod.

Kathryn's brows came together as she seemed deflated and said softly "did he? I bet you that's why he picked it, to prove his point; well I won't let him have the satisfaction." She announced taking a huge gulp of the coffee in her hand.

"No, that would never do!" Joked Tom.

To which Kathryn scowled before taking another gulp of her coffee and completely changed the subject by saying "Tuvok sends his love, he's doing much better."

"That's great." Admitted Tom "so when is the Vulcan master planning on paying us lowly humans a visit?"

Kathryn rolled her eyes and shook her head at Tom's playful banter as she told him "he is hoping to return to Starfleet headquarters when he makes a full recovery."

"All your crew are doing well for themselves Admiral, what do you have planned for your future?" Tom asked watching his ex-commanding officer closely.

With a heavy sigh and a shaking of her head Kathryn looked deep into to coffee cup she clutched in her hand as she said heavily "I just don't know Tom, it find it best not to plan anymore, any plan's I may have had are long lost."

A silence lingered for a while before Tom reached out and placed a caring hand over hers and asked gently "does he know?"

Kathryn's head shot up for her wide blue eyes to meet Tom's before she asked "does who know what?"

"Chakotay" Tom said softly holding her gaze "does he know you love him?"

"Tom-"spluttered Kathryn "I don't- Chakotay- We were good friends, nothing more."

"_Were_?" Tom asked questionably "and that doesn't stop you from loving him."

Kathryn watched him closely before saying "Let's just say the Commander and I didn't part on amicable terms."

"So I gather." Admitted Tom "all he would say is that things that should have been said before now were finally said. B'Elanna and I assumed you had finally told him you loved him."

"No" admitted Kathryn sadly "Chakotay gave me a piece of his mind in no uncertain terms, maybe some of it I deserved, I don't know."

"So you want to stop him marring on Voyager?"

"No" sighed Kathryn "not really, I can't anyway, Voyager isn't really mine anymore and all I want is him, them both, to be happy."

"Even if that's not with you?" Tom asked as he watched her tuck into her chocolate brownie.

"Tom one day you will look back on your life and see how lucky you were to have found B'Elanna the way you did at the time you did." She told him "if Chakotay and Seven have found each other now then so be it, let none of us live in what could have been."

"Vulcan logic?" Tom asked as his heart was breaking for the pitiful woman who was trying her best to be happy for Chakotay and Seven.

"It works."

"Until you let your emotions in again." Tom reminded her.

"Damn it Tom, He wants me to be happy for them, which is what I will be like any best friend would."

"So will you be there next week?" Tom asked her.

Finishing her mug of coffee Kathryn nodded saying "That's why I am back a little early, it's not every day a commander is made a captain and I his last official commanding officer the honour falls on me to present him with the pips and make a speech, It's to be quite an occasion."

"So we are told, I don't think he is expecting you, he's saying it means nothing to him having a nameless member of the brass he has never met present it to him and talk of all his achievements."

"Yea?" Kathryn asked with a smile and a twinkle in her eye as she leaned back in her chair "well you won't ruin the surprise will you?"


	5. Chapter 5

Kathryn sat in disbelief as she looked across the dining table where she sat across from her friend "what not at all?" she asked almost stunned.

"No" B'Elanna confirmed "but he says he understands and so he is okay with it." the half Klingon stated sarcastically.

Kathryn shook her head "it's a bit hard to believe if I am honest" admitted Kathryn "there must be a real reason for her missing such an important day."

"I can" snorted B'Elanna "and I doubt it, she just can't be bothered."

"it's a busy time for all of us" Kathryn said in Seven's defence but a little too unconvincingly for B'Elanna to believe that was what Kathryn truly thought. "it can't be easy for her fitting in on earth and a Starfleet"

"she managed to fit with Chakotay fine" grunted the half Klingon under her breath earning her a stern look from her friend.

"let us not judge what is not our business" Kathryn said softly.

Silence lingered between the friends as B'Elanna surveyed the older woman closely. "there was a time when you would have cared." B'Elanna reminded her "what has Vulcan done to you?"

"nothing," insisted Kathryn "I did care," to which B'Elanna raised her eyebrows "I do care but maybe I have been forced to wake up to the reality of it all."

"what all?"

"that Chakotay and Seven love each other and are happy together"

"and you?"

"I'm happy for them."

"happy for them in a 'this is what I should do' kind of way or 'I am truly happy for them'."

"Chakotay shared some choice words with me before I left for Vulcan" Kathryn sighed heavily "he has asked me to be happy for him"

"choice words?"

"he was angry"

"and you're not?"

"I didn't say that"

"oh come on Kathryn of course you are, and your hurt." when Kathryn made a face that showed B'Elanna she was right she said to her in an almost command tone "and I bet you didn't tell him how you feel did you?"

"I won't go after him that way, no matter what I respect them both, and myself for that matter far too much for that!" Kathryn said matter of factly.

B'Elanna actually smiled at her friend before saying "Kathryn Janeway, one of the most honourable women I know."

"life goes on." nodded Kathryn.

"without him" added B'Elanna only saying what she knew the older woman had meant.

The following silence was getting almost unbearable until Kathryn broke it in a sad voice saying "you, tom and Mirral will be there won't you?"

"of course!" confirmed B'Elanna "Tom says he wants to be there just to see his face when it is announced you are to be the admiral to officially promote him!"

With a crooked smile Kathryn admitted "nor I" and then becoming more thoughtful she admitted "I hope he doesn't mind it being me."

B'Elanna snorted as she said "only a p'tak would mind."

(+)(+)(+)

The day of Chakotay's promotion was a wet one, the rain was relentless, a sign Chakotay wondered as he looked out his apparent window only a few hours before the start of the ceremony. As he dressed in his dress uniform he tried to squash down his feelings of bitterness and anger at his fiancé for not even trying to make the effort to be there. With Kathryn hiding on Vulcan well out of his life, Tuvok still ill, the Wildman's living off world and Mike Ayala like many of Voyagers old crew off world now with new commissions Chakotay was not looking forward to the ceremony with the brass where the only people he knew was his ever faithful friend B'Elanna, her annoying husband and their two year old daughter Mirral. Some nameless admiral who knew nothing of him or his struggles or of life in the delta quadrant was going to officially promote him. Chakotay decided today was just not going to be a good day.


	6. Chapter 6

**Before you read this next chapter I would love to take this opportunity to say God Save The Queen!... Some of you know I am British and here in the UK we have been celebrating our Queen's Diamond Jubilee! – That's 60 years as Queen! What a woman! And how great did she look? Stunning and amazing at 86! And may I also say we wish her husband Prince Philip the Duke of Edinburgh a speedy recovery and we were sorry to see he couldn't be with the Queen for the latter part of the celebrations but I am sure he was watching it on TV cheering his beloved wife on from his hospital bed! On that note I would like to say how the British Queen and her beloved husband and constant companion Prince Phillip are so much how I imagine Kathryn and Chakotay to be, his support and devotion to her through the need for her to be in charge as their roles require, a constant silent support which she has come to rely so much on! – anyway back to my story…**

Arriving in good time for the ceremony Chakotay noticed the federation press lining the entrance to the venue and he couldn't help but scowl, what exactly where they expecting?

"how does it feel to be the first Maquis who returned to Starfleet to get a promotion?" one news reporter called out at him causing all of the reporters gathered around to thrust their recording devices in his face.

"fine" he grumbled much to the clear disappointment of the forceful press so he added quickly "it's an honour" before he managed to hurry himself into the building before they asked any more questions he would have rather not answered.

Unsure why there was a turnout of press Voyagers ex-first officer shook his head and ran his copper brown hand through his hair Chakotay had never thought he would be getting a promotion like this, he had come round to the idea of staying in Starfleet and had even come to accept the fact that Kathryn would always Starfleet as she could be. He realised he didn't have to agree with Starfleet in regards to the treaty they had with Cardassia in order to stay with them. Kathryn's Starfleet crew, vessel and rules had become his guiding principle those seven years in the delta quadrant. His life was the happiest it had ever been this side of Starfleet even Chakotay had to admit that. He was just thinking about how Starfleet .at the start of the journey and how much he hated her being that way when he walked straight into the most ornate banquet hall he had ever seen causing him to lose his train of thought. Nobody had said anything to him about a banquet and yet here it was. He at first thought he had walked into the wrong room until a gentle voice came from behind "captains assistant here to greet you sir." Chakotay spun round to be greeted by a very cute looking nine year old Naomi Wildman looking up at him with a big smile dressed in a gold Starfleet dress uniform before Chakotay could say anything or really take in what he was seeing Naomi carried on "well its admirals assistant really with Captain Janeway now an admiral but I will be your assistant today so its captains assistant."

Chakotay took her in for a second and then smiled his dimpled smile but tried to say seriously "well thank you crewman Wildman" to which she beamed up at him and offered him a glass of wine.

Taking the glass he asked her "I was under the impression that you lived off world with both your parents."

"I do" Naomi told him trying her best to hold in the excitement of the big surprise "we took the transport journey to earth last night so that we could be here on time."

"you did?" Chakotay asked almost stunned Sam and her husband had come all this way with Naomi just for him, "where is your mother?" he asked the half katarian child who had been born on Voyager during their second year in the delta quadrant.

"she's over there" Naomi pointed "talking with Susan Nicolleti, it's sues first time back since she was assigned to the Mandela, she and mum were very close on Voyager."

"yes I remember" a stunned Chakotay muttered as he looked across the room at the two women talking and laughing with each other "the Mandela isn't due to return for another month" Chakotay stated in almost a question to the nine year old.

"Sue got an early transport with the Janeway on their way back to earth, Captain Turner was happy to pick her up from the space doc, with them returning for a few days for commander Kim and the other ex-Voyager crew coming here tonight." Naomi told him matter of factly as Mirral appeared and wrapped herself behind his legs.

Chakotay smiled as he bent down and picked up the toddler "what's your mummy and daddy been up to Hu?" Chakotay asked the child with a giggle.

"what's he blaming me for now?" Tom Paris asked his daughter as he came up behind trying to flatten down the child's thick wayward Klingon hair but the girl wriggled too much and began to scream causing the embarrassed father to give up.

"thanks" Chakotay said as he realised the struggling child to the floor "it's so good to have those that really matter around at an event like this.

"I know, sorry Seven couldn't make it" tom said trying his best at being a mature counsel.

"These things can't be helped, we can't always plan our work commitments." Chakotay said stiffly as he looked around the room at every person there, all of them Starfleet, all with heavy work commitments, some more than seven and all made an effort to be there, many had bent over backwards and had travelled star systems to be there, suddenly Chakotay's statement seemed a little too feeble.

Tom followed the older man's gaze but never disagreed with him but said "still it's a shame, everyone else from Voyagers crew is here."

"not everyone" Chakotay said stiffly

Tom look confused for a second and then said quickly "doc says he's running late, an emergency at Starfleet medical but he will be here and last I heard Tuvok is still making a recovery, but everyone else is here."

"admiral Janeway is not, she's still on leave on Vulcan." though after he spat the words out Chakotay actually wondered if he had any right to be angry after all he said to her in their last meeting and the fact his own fiancé wasn't even there. But it still hurt Kathryn couldn't even show up for him, he would have done it for her no matter what.

Tom didn't directly answer he merely steered Chakotay towards the banquet table at the head of the room on which B'Elanna was now fighting with Mirral to sit still as Harry Kim now first officer of the newly commissioned Janeway in Kathryn's honour was deep in conversation with admiral Paris who was doing very well at keeping his roles as proud grandfather and Starfleet admiral going side by side.

It didn't take Chakotay long to notice all the Starfleet brass, the admirals where in attendance, anybody who was anybody was there. "seriously Tom, thanks" Chakotay told him as he watched all his old friends begin to take their seats.

"not at all, B'Elanna and I live in san Francisco, our work in Jupiter station hasn't begun yet, hardly difficult for us to make it."

"I know that" Chakotay scowled at the younger man who in years past he could have strangled but today he was proud to call a friend "I mean thanks for organising this, it far better than I was thinking it would be."

tom looks slightly confused and then taken aback "your welcome bug Chakotay this isn't B'Elanna nor my doing, we lowly lieutenants just showed up."

"what?" asked a very confused Chakotay, "if this wasn't you who was it?"

But before Tom had chance to answer a deep feminine husky voice the two knew so well broke across the crowd projected from where the small red headed woman stood on the stage to which all the tables where facing "can I just ask you all to gather for the speeches"

"hers" nodded Tom as Chakotay spun round to face his last official commanding officer,

"they tell me Commander Chakotay has arrived and as much as it is said I like to talk this evening is not about me and so to all my Voyager friends and fellow comrades, both of Voyagers children, my senior staff, my fellow admirals, Starfleet's captains, commanders, lieutenants, ensigns and crewmen the federation press, the lady's and gentlemen serving us and to all others present may I formally and warmly welcome you to what I hope will be an evening of honour to the bravest man I know and not only that but a fun evening in which we remember voyager with fun as we come close to her decommissioning. So welcome."

"I don't know how that woman does it but she makes all men and woman equal in her sight." admiral Paris comented to a very stunned Chakotay.


	7. Chapter 7

Kathryn Janeway was stood facing the crowd, reporters pushing trying to get the best holo images of the radiant captain. Everyone was trying to get a glimpse of Starfleet's golden girl and there she stood with all her splendour and beauty a radiant smile drawn across her face. Chakotay felt like he couldn't move. He watched her stand with such poise and grace, her slim figure fitted well into her admirals dress uniform which was quite a sight on her, even Chakotay had to admit. He hadn't seen her wearing it since her own promotion within weeks of Voyagers return, an event that had been broadcast across the entire federation, not so unlike this event Chakotay silently commented in his own thoughts. As he watched Kathryn brush a stray strand of her golden red hair from her face Chakotay realised she was slightly more relaxed than the strict admiral he had grown to see in her.

Turning to tom he felt like his tongue was sticking to his mouth and a stunned silence, his hands were clenched and his head swimming "Kathryn?" he managed to gasp "Kathryn did this for me?"

Tom nodded with a stupid grin on his face "the admiral was truly disgusted at how low key, impersonal and in her word 'barely honouring' the ceremony that was scheduled was to be, she has thought tirelessly for weeks to have this arranged with every person present here because she made it possible fir them to be." Chakotay's eyes flickered from the cheering crowd to Kathryn who was stood on stage giving admiral Haze a warm welcome, ever with grace and dignity. "I knew she really tried to get Seven here she was so sad when B'Elanna confirmed with her last week that Seven wouldn't be here. I know she won't mind ne telling you, she had been planning to give her own public congratulations to your wedding and her blessing fir your wedding to be the last official act to take place on board voyager before she is decommissioned."

Chakotay couldn't keep his eyes off the radiant and smiling Kathryn as she stood and listened as her commanding officer admiral haze addressed the crowd.

"... Has not only shown the federation a new way of thinking but also both the Starfleet and marquis parts of the voyager crew" announced admiral haze. "Commander Chakotay has given this generation of cadets at the academy a new sense of excitement and valour in his teaching of delta quadrant anthropology. Just as it can be said for the cadets he took for deface tactics in the early part of his career."

Barely taking in what the senior admiral was saying Chakotay watched as Kathryn stood with her deep blue eyes shining with joy. Chakotay hadn't seen her looking so radiant in many years and had often contemplated weather she had actually forgotten how to smile or weather she was just in a mood with him. She had been in a mood with him, there was no denying that but suddenly here he was stood in the most ornate room about to be promoted before all those he loved and it was Kathryn who had arranged this whole event for him. Chakotay had been watching the beautiful admiral Janeway so closely that he suddenly realised he hadn't been at all listening to what admiral haze had been saying about him nor had he realised that Mike Ayala his good friend and Marquis Conrad had now taken the stage and was making a speech and Kathryn was making her way off the stage to greet somebody who had clearly just appeared off the back of the stage.

"I need to talk to her" Chakotay said turning to Tom, "I need to talk to Kathryn"

"Chakotay, she wanted you to enjoy this event not worry about her" tom reminded him looking feebly at Harry and his band who were now preforming a song they has especially written for Chakotay.

"Chakotay my love." to which even Chakotay froze the feminine voice breaking through him, so close and yet so far "why do you looked so troubled, you and I are to share the first dance."

Turning ever so slowly hoping he was in a dream he asked "dance?"

"Yes" his tall blonde fiancé told him "admiral Janeway has just informed me its tradition."


	8. Chapter 8

Chakotay looked at his beautiful and in fact stunning fiancé and didn't know what to do or say. "Seven?" he managed to stagger out as he looked at her in question "what are you doing here? I thought-"

"Admiral Janeway has made it possible for me to be with you." seven informed him thus nocking the wind out of his sales so to speak.

"Admiral Janeway?" Chakotay asked turning to see if he could catch a glimpse of the woman in question but she was nowhere to be seen "but what happened to your very important meeting?"

"Admiral Janeway explained to admiral Shalk how important today is for you and how much you want me at your side and so he postponed the meeting for another four days."

"Come on you two!" shouted B'Elanna from across the crowd "some of us want to dance so we can show our moves but we can't until you open the dance!"

Chakotay suddenly found himself whisked off to the dance floor by his formidable fiancé.

(+)(+)(+)

All evening she had been there, all evening she had been avoiding him. Not once had he managed a simple hello to his ex-commanding officer. Clearly having had years of practice of eluding those she didn't want to meet Chakotay noted what a fine job of eluding him she was doing. On the other hand seven was doing a fine job at being the dutiful fiancé, he had never been more proud of her, and, he had to admit she did look stunning.

As the party was drawing to a close and the meal had been eaten Kathryn Janeway stood in the shadows in a far corner of the room, her heart burning as she watched Chakotay and Seven with their backs to her deep in joyous conversation with some of their ex-voyager crew. Chakotay had slipped his arm around sevens tiny waist, his hand resting on the small of her back, a gesture Kathryn herself had come to rely on during their time together on voyager. Kathryn Janeway let a sad smile escape from her mouth as she slipped away in search of a black coffee before the official part of the evening began and she would have to face him.

Chakotay had enjoyed a great evening and knew the party would go on for many more hours without the brass present but he knew very soon his promotion would take place. With his hand resting on the very delicate lower back of the woman he was about to marry he was deep in conversation with some of his friends from voyager and was feeling the most contented person in the world. He had just commented on the recent birth of Ensign Black's baby daughter when the ever so husky voice of Kathryn Janeway broke through the crowd "hello, ladies and gentlemen may I interrupt the festivities once more this evening to move on to the more official part of tonight's event." and her words the crowd went into a hushed silence and the entire federation press positioned themselves fir the event. "I first must thank each one of you for coming and I am sure commander Chakotay would join me in thanking you." with that she flashed her eyes to look at him and for the first time in the entire evening their eyes met, taking Chakotay slightly aback for the fact she knew exactly where he was stood. "now before I begin with the event you are all here for I would love very much if the commander would be so kind as to escort his beautiful bride to be up here to the stage?"

At this Chakotay looked at seven and said in question "seven?" thinking she maybe opposed to such obvious attention.

"It is ok my love" seven commented much to his surprise "admiral Janeway have disguised this moment during our talk earlier this evening."

"You and the admiral talked?" Chakotay hissed at her in surprise as they walked up the centre stage aware all eyes were now on them.

"Yes" confirmed seven but Chakotay had no chance to enquire further because he was practically on the stage just a few feet from Kathryn herself.

Kathryn, ever the graceful admiral welcomed them both with a hug and a peck of a kiss on the cheek. As Kathryn drew her lips from Chakotay's cheek he felt the warmth of her breath on his skin as just for a second their eyes locked and he whispered "hello Kathryn."


	9. Chapter 9

Kathryn gave him a staged smile and she drew back from him making an obvious glance at his hand clasped in Seven's. She drew back further and faced the crowd of eager spectators. Chakotay suddenly realising he was stood on stage for all to see plainly unable to take his eyes from the woman who was not his fiancé. The room remained in a hushed silence and Kathryn pretended she hadn't noticed as she addressed the crowd "it was my honour to share seven years of my life with a fine crew that became friends and even family on Voyager stranded in the Delta Quadrant. We were two crews with two very opposite political views thrown together at a time when to be Starfleet stood side by side with maquis was not only unheard of but would mean war." Kathryn surveyed both groups of people as she looked out at the gathered Voyager crew. "But here before you stands the maquis captain who joined me and became by first officer for the seven years of that journey." to that members of both crews cheered. Chakotay watched the crowed with his dimpled smile as Kathryn told them all of some of his achievements close to her that she was most proud of him for. She talked with such ease and grace that Chakotay had barely realised when she finished and had turned to get the pips to put on his collar and officially promote him. Kathryn's shining blue eyes locked with Chakotay's darker ones as he stepped forward towards her to take his promotion.

"Avoiding me?" he whispered ever so gently "that's not your style Kathryn."

"Not avoiding" she returned in the faintest of whispers "allowing you space" then with a crooked smile she placed the pips of the turtleneck of the collar and said loudly for all in the room to hear "it is my great honour as admiral to hereby promote you to the rank of captain with all its responsibilities. congratulations captain." and for the first time that evening Chakotay looked down at the smaller woman beaming up at him with crooked smile and shining eyes and Chakotay knew it was a real true smile.

"thank you Kathryn" he whispered softly as he looked down at her looking up at him from where she stood inches from him "they tell me all this is your doing"

Looking up at him she tilted her head and shrugged saying "you deserved it."

The gathered crowd unable to hear the words the two exchanged looked on as Kathryn placed her loving palm on Chakotay's chest much as she did while on voyager. Then just as quickly as she had placed it there she withdrew her hand with a smile in sevens direction who was now moving towards Chakotay in a way as to claim him as her. Kathryn took a respectful step back as she looked over his shoulder at seven. Chakotay saw Kathryn looking over his shoulder and spun round almost forgetting his fiancé was there.

Chakotay looked back at Kathryn as seven wrapped her arms around him publically on the stage, in Kathryn he saw a hint of sadness and a slight drop of regret but securely hidden behind a mask of happiness and joy. Chakotay knew only he saw how the former captain of voyager was truly feeling, he just couldn't understand why. But it quickly went out of his mind when the former Borg drone turned his face to her and kissed him on stage as the crowd whistled. As they parted Chakotay was mesmerised by the blonde beauty in his arms. It was the slight cough behind him and Kathryn's voice addressing the crowd that brought him back. "As many of you were present at captain Chakotay and seven of nine's engagement party several months ago you will have already congratulated them on their engagement. sadly I was not present in that occasion and would like to take this time to publically congratulate two of my former Voyager crew on their engagement, I wish you both many happy years to come." with her famous smile and a twinkle in her blue eyes she took a deep breath and said "many of you know Voyager herself is to be decommissioned and the rumours tell me you wish your wedding to be held on our beloved ship." a comment which saw the crowed erupted into cheers, as the crowed died down Kathryn remarked "as her firmer, and only captain it is my great honour to give such an event my blessing to be voyagers last official event."

again the crowd erupted and it was seven who speak next "thank you admiral, that means a great deal, captain Chakotay and I were also wondering if you would conduct the ceremony for us as you did Paris and Torres?"

Kathryn's eyes turn grey as she flashed them to look from seven to Chakotay "marry you?" she asked them stunned. When they agreed she was left little option but to agree as she looked at the eager crowed "it would be an honour" she nodded she announced with a forced smile as the crowd erupted into cheers. She made a quick exit from the stage as the newly promoted captain claimed his fiancé's lips for his own.


	10. Chapter 10

As the evening wore on Chakotay was greeted and congratulated by many of his friends and former crew. Seven was enjoying a reminiscing conversation with the Wildman's and Chakotay found himself in a lapse of well-wishers. It was only then did it come to his mind that one member of Voyagers former crew had not come to personally congratulate him; in fact she had disappeared since she had done her official duties.

"Thought you might be here" remarked tom Paris as he stepped out on to the secluded balcony overlooking San-Francisco.

"Whatever gave you that impression?" she asked in her famous husky voice without even turning to look at him.

"A hunch" he said casually as he looked at the tiny form of his former commanding officer.

Allowing a strained laugh to break from her lips she turned to look at him, her eyes glistening with tears "I think I'm too old for this" she scoffed.

"Nobody is too old to be heartbroken" tom pointed out.

"Heartbroken?" she snapped in shock when with a sigh she asked "is it that obvious?"

Tom came to stand next to her and gaze out at the night sky of the glistening city "she is quite a stunner" tom said without even looking at her.

With a snort Kathryn shook her head and said "way to make an old girl sad"

"I'm not the one who agreed to conduct the service."

Turning from him she asked seriously "what would you have me do?"

"He deserves to know"

"What?" she asked staring out at the horizon

"The truth"

Kathryn remained silent for a long while as though deep in thought then shook her head and told her friend softly "they deserve to be happy."

Tom looked at her and saw only a great woman he respected a great deal "so do you" he told her.

"what makes my happiness any more important than theirs?" she asked him "look at me tom, I am a Starfleet admiral here in uniform to promote him, ever here to be his commanding officer the confines of protocol and rank will always be between us, I worked my whole life to become a Starfleet admiral, you know that and you of all people knows what that costs to a family life."

"One day Chakotay may become an admiral now he has chosen to stay in Starfleet." tom reminded her.

"Perhaps" she agreed with a far out gaze over San-Francisco "but Seven will always be civilian and that makes all the difference."

"my farther is an admiral as was yours." tom said remembering their childhoods, though as a boy he had never met young Kathryn he knew their fathers were close and served together as admirals.

"and our mothers are civilians" Kathryn reminded him "your parents have shared many great and happy years together and have a child they are proud of" she said resting her had on his arm looking up at him with a beaming smile "and a beautiful grandchild to show for it. Had my father lived it would be the same for my parents." turning from him she gave a heavy burdened sigh and said "you know as well as I that for Chakotay and I to share a life together one of us would have to leave Starfleet."

"and you're not prepared to do it." it was a statement to finish hers not a question.

Without confirming or disagreeing Kathryn sad sadly "I would never ask him to do it."

"and that" tom said softly following her gaze out to the city "is why he is marring a beautiful blonde civilian and not Starfleet's red headed golden girl."

Tom and Kathryn shared silence for many minutes as they looked out over the bustling ancient city now home to Starfleet headquarters and academy.

What neither of the two friends had seen during their conversation was the tall broad figure now retreating from the balcony, his deep dark coloured eyes shining with open wonder over what he had just heard. Suddenly for him the joy from his promotion of that evening gone and his brand new four captains pips had become a heavy burden he has chosen to wear.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hi all sorry for the delay these last few days, I have been rather busy but will be back on track now! Thanks. X**

"As I have said before captain the admiral is in a very important meeting" a rather flustered ensign told the man who had arrived uninvited into her bosses' office.

"That's quite all right" the unperturbed captain informed her with a dimpled smile "I am happy to wait" with that he sat down in the admiral's chair and put his feet up on her desk. The young girl looked horrified at his actions but didn't know whether to protest or not, he did out rank her after all. Glancing at the young woman he asked "what's your name ensign?"

"Ensign Taylor, sir" the young woman announced.

"First name?" he asked rather casually which took her slightly off guard.

"Hannah" she replied "captain please can you at least wait in the admirals reception room?" it was a plea from the young ensign fearing being in trouble with her boss.

Chakotay lowered his feet from to desk and surveyed the large room which brought back memories of Voyagers ready room. As his eyes fell on the flustered young woman he smiled joyfully and said calmly "captain Chakotay" with that he extended his hand "the admiral and I are old friends."

"I know who you are." she informed him "first officer of voyager, everyone knows that."

Losing his smile he watched her carefully, "are you afraid she might react in a less than pleasant manner to my being here?"

"A little" admitted the ensign, in a strange way she liked this over confident captain.

"She can get herself in a bad temper cant she" smiled Chakotay "well we must obey the orders of an admiral, the reception room it is"

Relived ensign Hannah Taylor directed him to a room just next to the admiral's office in which there were rather comfortable sofas and a desk behind which she sat gesturing for Chakotay to sit on one of the sofas. Sitting where he was told Chakotay laughed to himself Kathryn really had emerged herself completely in Starfleet after their return to the alpha quadrant. She really was beginning to be one of those dreaded admirals. Shaking his head at the thought of Kathryn growing into a stuffy stuck up fully-fledged member of the brass made him laugh. As did the selection of reading material for those waiting to be seen by the admiral, Dante, Austin, Bronte, Gandhi and other ancient world scholars and literature writers.

"I wouldn't bother if I were you" Hannah Taylor said as she watched him pick up one of the PADDs displaying the ancient writings of Dante.

"You wouldn't?" he asked looking up at her with curiosity "don't share your bosses love for ancient earth classics?"

"They are a long read, I told her a good gossip magazine would work fine."

Chakotay let out a loud snort and raised his eyebrows to look at the innocent young girl "I bet that didn't go down so well?" he commented.

"No it most certainly did not" came a husky voice from behind him as the small red headed admiral placed a number of PADDs on the frightened looking aids desk. Then turning to Chakotay she said with that dammed fake smile "captain Chakotay, this is a surprise, anything I can do for you?"

Watching her closely he saw that ever deceptive mask form across her face and a smile that Chakotay knew was to mask some much deeper emotions "a chat?" he asked calmly "it has been a while since you and I actually sat in one place to talk." he remarked realising that the last time could actually have been while they were on voyager.

She took him in for a second and contemplated turning him away but then she nodded turning to the young ensign and asked "Hannah will you deal with the PADD and also contact Tuvok and tell him I will be in touch as soon as I am done with captain Chakotay, he will understand."

Hannah agreed giving Chakotay a pleading glance to not tell Kathryn he had already been in her office. Chakotay gave the young woman a smile and a slight nod before the two looked away from each other.

"Do you know my aid captain?" Kathryn asked as she gestured for Chakotay to enter her office before her. The woman in question was now busying herself with the computer terminal and pretending not to hear her boss's remark.

"Should I?" he asked rather too casually as the door closed behind her leaving them alone in her office.

"no" Kathryn said slowly turning to him and watching for any sign of him revealing anything, when he gave nothing away she watched him out the corner of her eye before taking her seat.

"Damn it Kathryn, we exchanged pleasantries while I awaited your return." he told her nearly laughing at the shifty way she surveyed him.

"You had her looking somewhat shell shocked and frightened" Kathryn remarked "feel free to take a seat captain" she added quickly surveying the many seats in her large office. "She is fresh out the academy you know" Kathryn continued as Chakotay took the large arm chair opposite her "she's a good girl, hardworking, as green as they cone, more so than harry when at the beginning."

Chakotay smiled warmly at the memory of the relationships Kathryn shared with each member of her crew separately "another child for mother hen to add to her group?" he laughed.

Kathryn smiled at him but as their eyes met her smile faltered and she asked "what can I do for you today captain?"

"Talk to me Kathryn" Chakotay said completely ignoring the use of his rank "how are you?"

"you travelled across continents, forced your way onto my office uninvited, put your feet up on my desk, flustered my aid in the process and frightened her half to death just to exchange pleasant small talk with me?" she asked him tilting her head with a crook smile at the bewildered look that suddenly appeared on her ex-first officers face.

"Kathryn how- but you were-"

"In a meeting yes." nodded Kathryn "now what can I do for you really?"

"Damn you Kathryn how do you do it?" he asked her with only pretend annoyance.

"I didn't get to be an admiral on my good looks alone you know" she teased with a real smile and a twinkle in her eye.

"I don't doubt it" he told her with his own smile "and I really did come here with the hope of simply talking with you." he insisted "I miss you."

"We have both been busy." she said a little too stiffly as she tried to work him out.

"I should start with sorry" he admitted trying to watch her for a little bit of emotion. When she gave him none she merely tilted her head and raised her eyebrows. After a while Chakotay sighed and said sadly "you're not going to make this easy for ne are you?"

"What do you want from me?" she snapped exasperated "I try to do it right for you but none of it is easy for any of us, we all find fitting into life after voyager and the delta quadrant easy but we do the best we can."

"You have found it hard, and the announcement of the decision to decommission Voyager must have been hard, waiting for a vote of her fate to be cast."

"A little" she admitted "but are you aware I was part of that decision, I was one of the admirals who voted for it."

"That Kathryn, surprises me" Chakotay admitted as he watched Kathryn move towards the replicator beside her desk.

"With everything that happened with the Enterprise I saw life differently after that, voyager has lived her life, as has her captain, and it's time to let the younger folks and those with life still left on them to have a go at running the show. Let them learn from us, shall we say older officers, your position at the academy for example" she pointed out "coffee black" she announced turning to her replicator to make her order "tea or anything captain?" came her question in offer of an invite.

"Tea, please" nodded Chakotay watching her closely as she made his order to her replicator.

"B'Elanna and Tom are both about to take up their positions at Jupiter station and I here Seven accepted Starfleet's proposal once your wedding is out the way." Kathryn commented as she handed Chakotay his drink as sat back down in her seat from before "I don't see why I am needed in quite the same way" the tired woman admitted to her old friend.

"Kathryn?" he asked her slowly "are you saying you are leaving Starfleet?"

"no" she told him not at all convincingly

"really Chakotay I just know it's time to let voyager go."

"a drink to our fine old ship" he said raising his tea cup almost in a toast.

After a long pause Kathryn looked deep in her coffee mug before asking "so tell me Chakotay, how's your wedding preparations going?"

The question took Chakotay off guard, he couldn't quite work out what she thought he was going to say next nor what she wanted him to say and so didn't know what he should say. H had not expected she would be so readily interested in his wedding. Was this a time to talk to her and tell her he had overheard her talking to Tom at the ceremony or was it best he act as though he heard nothing. What he said next could change everything between him and Kathryn forever and I didn't know what to do.


	12. Chapter 12

"Well" Chakotay nodded cautiously watching the admiral "the wedding plans are going well."

"Good" Kathryn told him with a sad smile distant gaze at him as though she where looking into his soul "well just let me know when and where you want me to for any practise's for the ceremony and I shall be there." She finally told him after a long silence.

"Actually that's why I came" he said softly "Kathryn, I know I said some horrible things to you."

"Yes you did." She agreed before he had chance to say any more.

"I was wrong." Chakotay admitted "I am sorry"

She rose from her chair and began to pace her floor much as he was used to her doing while they were on voyager. After a long while she placed her hands on her hips, spun round and faced him with her hands still firmly on her hips "Oh Chakotay, it's fine, I understand, you were angry, that may have been justified." She admitted to him "I was being unfair. It wasn't easy, I was feeling all alone and I couldn't face it so I immersed myself in my work, that way I didn't have to admit I found it hard to face all the other Voyagers being happy and content and not alone." Then turning from him she admitted "most of all I couldn't face you being happy and content and me so alone."

Chakotay watched her and suddenly she seemed even smaller in that large office and her heart sank for her "Kathryn" he told her softly "you are not alone, you were never alone."

Her eyes locked with his, in his eyes she saw a deep and long forgotten longing. In her eyes he saw only pain. "What happened to us Chakotay?" she whispered as she turned from him and laid her now empty coffee mug on her table, a discarded remnant of the liquid it once contained that was to her heavenly.

"We grew up, seven years is a long time." He told her sadly "we changed, we found fulfilment to fill the gap in other things, you in your work, and me with Seven."

"I won't ask you to leave her, nor Starfleet" Kathryn told him as she held her head high and turned to him.

"I know you won't" he told her sadly. "I won't ask you to give up Starfleet."

A silence lingered, a silent admittance between the two broken hearted lovers, and understanding, and acceptance. After a long time Kathryn broke the silence. "I met somebody" she told him "Admiral Jack Lang"

"right" Chakotay said ever so stiffly "I am glad." He told her standing from his chair and watching her closely.

"he is a good man." She insisted.

"He had better be." Chakotay told her stepping towards her and placing his fingertips on her delicate cheek as she tilted her head to gaze up at him.

"So what is this?" she asked with tears filling her eye "Goodbye?"

Chakotay stared deep into her eyes before he shook his head and told her in a deeply cracking voice "never" Kathryn knew he was trying desperately to hold in his own broken tears "I will always be here for you Kathryn, I will always be your willing lap dog just one rank below you, never quite your equal." Pulling from her he told her "Admirals are off limits to lowly Captains, just as Captains are off limits to their first officers."

"Seven is a Civilian." Kathryn pointed out what the two already knew "no protocol."

"I made that choice a long time ago." He said as he watched the formidable Admiral Kathryn Janeway take her seat behind her desk.

Looking up at him she straightened her Starfleet uniform and told him "as did I."

There was a deadly silence as the two looked into each other's eyes, a silent admittance that they loved each other but circumstances meant they could not be together had just occurred in the admirals office. A private admittance.

Just before Chakotay walked out of her door he turned to her and told her seriously "May Admiral Lang endeavour to deserve you."

She did not reply she merely nodded to acknowledge what he had just said before saying "don't forget to inform me of when I am needed to conduct your wedding to Seven."

With his own nod Chakotay turned and left leaving her alone in the silence to be swallowed up in the weight of her large room and with it her rank.


	13. Chapter 13

"Kathryn?" Jack Lang called up the stairs of his girlfriend's old Bloomington farm house "Kathryn we need to go NOW"

"Just a minute!" she called back dragging herself from her bath and wrapping a towel around her now dripping wet naked body "I am just getting out the bath" she called at him, you would think he knew by now not to disturb her in the bath but clearly not.

"Kathryn!" he shouted exasperated "we are going to be late!"

"I know!" she informed him "but it doesn't matter it's only dinner with friends."

"Your friends!" he yelled back at her "how does it look if we admirals are late?"

"Ok Jack" she told him appearing at the top of the stairs clad in only a wet towel "When with Voyager crew unofficially we drop the rank."

"I can't do that like you can" he told her.

"Just be Jack not Admiral Lang." she told him before turning and disappearing into the bedroom to get ready "you could start by calling them their name not rank!" he heard her shout from behind the door.

Jack sighed, he had been going out with this woman for nearly three months and he was beginning to see she had a wonderful ability to become childlike and see things in its simplicity in every opportunity, "Kathryn I am going to dinner at the house of two Commanders and it's not even a business meeting." Jack called, this world of inter-rank mixing was new to him, the only time he as an Admiral had go to dinner with commanders was for business. He didn't have time to think more of it because Kathryn came running down the stairs bare foot with a knee length blue dress on that accentuated her cleavage and left her back bare. Admiral Jack Lang clad in his admirals uniform stood in wonder at the beauty of her slender feminine figure "Kathryn." He said softly "you didn't say it's a none uniform event."

"Who wears their uniform to dinner with friends?" she asked as she grabbed some beautiful blue sandals and strapped them onto her feet. She looked beautiful, elegant but also very casual. As she turned to look at her boyfriend she stopped smiling when she saw he really was wearing his uniform "oh" she whispered softly. With a sigh she told him "Jack this is just dinner with friends, I wouldn't put it past Tom Paris to have the BBQ going when we get there." She told him as she grabbed her blue cotton handbag and giving him a glare as is to say she wasn't impressed. When he just stared at her in silence she rolled her eyes and moved towards the door "I suppose you won't even consider getting changed?" She asked.

"I can't Kathryn so please don't ask me to." He replied firmly.

She opened her front door as she snapped "come on then"

During the walk to the transport station neither talked, as they materialised in England where Tom and B'Elanna now lived Kathryn was making it very clear to Jack that she was not happy with his choice of attire. They were greeted at the door of the house by Tom sporting his shorts and famous Hawaiian shirt "My darling Kathryn" he beamed embracing her in a lengthy hug. Jack stood slightly behind standing stiffly and looking on; he couldn't help thinking this was a somewhat inappropriate greeting for a commander and admiral. When Kathryn stood on her tip toes to plant a kiss on the tall man's cheek Jack couldn't accept that so he took his girlfriend's hand and pulled her away slightly, much to her annoyance but luckily, Kathryn thought, Tom was oblivious to it.

Spotting the uniformed Admiral for the first time Tom looked slightly taken aback but managed to recover well "Admiral Lang isn't it?" he asked offering his hand to shake "Tom Paris"

Jack earned a glare from his girlfriend and so he quickly took the hand and said stiffly "A pleasure Commander."

Kathryn was right, Tom did have a BBQ going and in fact a fair amount to the Voyager crew was in attendance. Kathryn wasted no time in greeting her old friends leaving her admiral partner stood alone. There was one guest Kathryn had failed to see was there and while she was in the garden sipping wine with Sam Wildman and Susan Nicolletti in the afternoon sun Jack was approached by one of voyagers crew. "You must be Jack Lang." the deep voice greeted him.

Jack turned and came face to face the dark features of Voyagers Ex-First Officer "You the Maquis first officer" Jack told him.

"Chakotay" She said with a dimpled smile not letting the mention of his association to the now extinguished terrorist group bother him.

"Yes captain, my apologises for not being present at your promotion ceremony a few months back." Jack told him a little too stiffly.

"Don't worry about it admiral." Chakotay told him "I am sure as an admiral you are very busy." Jack made only a curt nod in reply "seven and I must have you and Kathryn over for dinner sometime, it would be lovely to get to know you Jack" Chakotay said almost sizing the man up and down.

"Forgive me captain I find it difficult to fraternize with lower ranks" Jack replied stiffly but truthfully. The two men turned to look at where Kathryn was now laughing at a joke Crewman Lessing was now telling "yet Kathryn takes it with ease." Jack sighed, the world of the Voyager crew was something he was going to find very difficult to get used to.

Chakotay laughed to himself and shook his head saying "Do you know how ironic that sounds?"

"Captain?"

"I spent nearly seven years trying to get her to be this free with the crew, it was never easy for her." He pointed out.

"So it's your marquis influence?" The admiral almost demanded.

"Excuse me?" Chakotay asked his smile fading.

"I don't think it was easy for you marquis to fit into the Starfleet way of doing things, fraternisation with your crew must have been a guilty pleasure of your as a marquis captain especially the woman members of your crew." Jack told him "so it was your influence that made Kathryn this relaxed with the lower ranks."

Chakotay jumped straight to his ex-captains defence though it had been an insult aimed at him "I assure you Admiral captain Janeway acted at all times with decorum and professionalism of any Starfleet officer, but tell me this Admiral do you have any idea what it was like for her out there? Do you have any idea how hard it was?"

"For her or for you to keep yourself in your own pants" Jack growled at him "Oh don't look so shocked captain, I have seen the way you have been eyeing my date since the moment we arrived." Chakotay didn't deny the accusation "let me tell you Captain, you come anywhere near my girlfriend and you will wish you never met her."


	14. Chapter 14

"What would you have us do Chakotay? For the first time she's happy, really happy." B'Elanna pointed out as she handed her old friend a drink.

The two friends looked across the room at where Kathryn had her arm wrapped around Admiral Lang's waist and he had his hand resting on her naked lower back. he was whispering in her ear causing her to laugh just a little. the blue in her eyes was a deep rich colour and she almost seemed to be alive once again. "he's not right for her" growled Chakotay. he was boiling with anger and everything in him wanted to rip her from his grasp and claim her for his.

"and who is?" asked B'Elanna "you?"

when Chakotay merely gave her a foul look she told him "well I like him, he's a highly decorated admiral, just like Kathryn."

"don't remind me." he hissed.

"oh that's what this is all about" B'Elanna said looking closely at her old friend "the problem is not Admiral Lang the problem is you asked her, she said no and you can't take it."

"She never Said no, she just never said yes but B'Elanna I swear if he hurts one hair on her head he will pay." Growled Chakotay as he clenched his fists watching Jack kiss her neck.

"you're supposed to be engaged old man." the younger woman reminded him. "Chakotay do you know what a compromise is?"

Chakotay hung his head, he knew exactly what his friend was getting at "seven doesn't deserve it." he told her running his fingers through his now slightly white hair.

"no she doesn't" B'Elanna admitted, when Chakotay snapped his head up to look at her she said "ok so I am not saying I like the woman but she didn't do anything wrong in all of this, nor did Kathryn."

"Kathryn had her chance" Chakotay reminded her.

"yea?" B'Elanna asked "when was the last time you actually told her how you felt? before or after you got yourself involved with Seven? Chakotay you're asking her to have known how you felt these last years, you moved on so has she by the looks of things."

"she knows that, I know that, we could never be together, protocol-"

"Chakotay you're a P'Tack" B'Elanna hissed.

"I'm not the P'Tack, admiral Lang is and if he doesn't get his greasy fingers off her I'll-"

"what?" B'Elanna asked "you'll what?"

Chakotay stopped what he was saying and looks at the couple who were now sharing a kiss and he knew he had lost. "B'Elanna he threatened me"

"you've been staring down his girlfriend's cleavage all evening, I don't blame him, it's a wonder Kathryn herself hasn't knocked you out."

Chakotay found himself drawing his eyes away from Kathryn, he was about to deny his actions but then thought better of it. "he doesn't deserve her"

"he's treated her better than you have."

"what have I ever done?" Chakotay exclaimed.

"declared your undying love for her, made her believe you would wait for her to be ready but almost as though you had waited long enough you go out with Seven, when we arrived in the alpha quadrant she found herself all alone once again. you get engaged to Seven and demand her to be happy

for you even when her heart is breaking she tried to be happy for you. don't blame her for finding somebody, don't break them up just because you realised you picked the wrong girl."

"I love her B'Elanna" Chakotay hissed as he watched Kathryn tear herself from her new found boyfriend.

"your timing sucks" his half Klingon told him "don't do something you'll r egret, let her be happy."

"what am I supposed to do?"

"live with the choice you made, if you can't do that then you have to at least do what's right for Seven."

B'Elanna left Chakotay deep in thought and alone with his beer to ponder her words he knew she was right he just didn't like it. he hadn't noticed the slender future that had sat down beside him. her distinctive husky voice brought him back down to earth "hi."

"Kathryn hi." he Said looking at her slightly shell shocked.

"I thought I would come over and give you a better view." she said with a hint of a smile in her voice.

"excuse me?"

breaking into laughter she told him "don't worry I am not going to attack you, but you have been staring at me all evening."

"do you blame me?" he Asked looking at her where she sat next to him "you look amazing."

she snorted "truth be told I threw this thing on, I was in the bath far too late."

which made Chakotay smile "I see"

"Jack was getting impatient so I got ready in a hurry."

"it's exquisite, it brings out your eyes." he told her as stroked her cheek bone with his fingertips and took in the gaze of her eyes with his own.

looking deep into the eyes of the man she loved she smiled her radiant smile at him, placed her hand on his shoulder and told him "you did always look great out of uniform."

"less to remind you of my lower rank?" he Asked slightly harshly.

withdrawing her hand quickly she turned away and told him "you are far more than a captain to me, even in your uniform."

"Do you ever think of what might have been?"

shaking her head she told him "what might have been is not what is"

Chakotay was silent for a long time, he knew she was right but part of him just didn't want to admit it. he thought of the last time he saw her and how even then she had looked such the part with beauty "thank you for such a wonderful promotion admiral."

leaning into him a little freely she whispered childlike into his ear "your welcome." with those words she smiled a little and placed her hand on his shoulder "I know you said you were angry for me not being honest with you, and maybe I haven't been but I want us to be friends."

Chakotay was silent for a long time. then turning to face her he saw tears forming in her eyes. reaching up he brushed a stray strand of hair from her eyes. "I was wrong to be angry. you had every right to be angry with me for getting with seven."

"I wanted to be happy for you." she told him truthfully, she had really wanted to be happy for him.

"I thought you didn't want me" he told her.

"so you took the next best girl" Kathryn said sadly.

"Kathryn it was never like that" Chakotay insisted.

Kathryn surveyed all the people gathered there in tom and B'Elanna's house as she told him "the fact remains, you and I have both hurt each other over these long years, can we call it a day to all the pain?" she asked turning to him "can we be friends even through all this?"

"Kathryn you don't even have to ask that, don't ever feel you have to ask that, I always want us to be friends." he told her taking her small delicate hands on his large copper brown ones giving her knuckles a stroke with his thumbs he told her "don't you ever forget, I am always here for you whenever you need me I am at your side."

with a smile she whispered "thanks Chakotay."

before he could respond in anyway the firm hand of admiral Lang rested on her almost bare shoulders and a stern look given to Chakotay. "is everything ok daring?" the admiral asked refusing to take his eyes from Chakotay.

"yes, fine" she told him now standing to look between the two men "Jack this is Chakotay, a very dear friend of mine. Chakotay this is Jack, my boyfriend."

"yes, we have met." Chakotay growled not taking his eyes from the man he had now decided he hates.

"pleasure." Jack spat in return.

Kathryn looked between the two men before placing her hands firmly on hips and issuing Chakotay with her famous death glare. "Chakotay be nice." she snapped.

remembering how she treated seven with dignity though she didn't like her much Chakotay looked at the man now weaving his hands into Kathryn's hair and told him "may you work to one day deserve this woman."

"Chakotay!" she hissed angrily at him.

"remember what I said Kathryn and don't ever forget it." he told her and with that he was gone.


	15. Chapter 15

"You're leaving?" Chakotay asked almost shocked as he looked across his sitting room at his soon to be wife.

Seven drew herself tall and raised a silver eyebrow as she told him in a dead pan clinical way "indeed"

"What happened to us building a life together?" Chakotay asked her feeling confused.

"Starfleet offered me because position as an advisor in integrating Borg technology into Starfleet ships."

"I am aware of that Seven." he told her walking up to her and taking her stiff hand in his "but we agreed you were going to take that position as soon as we were married."

"I don't want to be second best" she told him.

"Seven-"

"Don't Chakotay" she interrupted him "you know the sad thing is I thought it was only she who had romantic feelings for you, I didn't realise they were reciprocated"

Chakotay let go of her hand and didn't deny what she had just said he just told her "I am with you. We could make it work; Kathryn will become a distant memory."

"She will always be there, I don't want to be the pitiful wife of a man in love with somebody else." she told him.

"So that's it? Goodbye?" he asked as she moved towards his door, he didn't even try to stop her.

"No" she told him "not goodbye"

Chakotay watched as she opened his door "you say you chose me over admiral Janeway but you chose me believing she was no longer interested."

"I made my choice Seven." he said his only form of begging her to stay.

"admiral Janeway always has encouraged me to be an individual and to think as an individual." she told him "the choice has to also be mine, I'm sorry Chakotay but I choose a better life with a man who loves me not a man who wants to love me because the woman he loves pushed him away."

Chakotay didn't argue he stood in silence and watched her walk out the door leaving him alone.

Chakotay's POV...

I can't make Seven stay, there are some who would say I used her and maybe they would be right. I have loved Kathryn from the moment I met her, her elegance and beauty almost radiated to me through her strong command presence that demanded respect and compliance and her crew gave it to her. Right in the first year of our journey it was hard I won't deny that. As Maquis captain I was so used to claiming any woman as mine and having complete submission but Kathryn in her Starfleet ways was so very different. I grew in her affection and she in mine. It was on new earth I declared my love for her, and I meant it. She was ready then though she had put up a fight at first. She and I shared something so special, something so unique while we were on new earth but when Voyager rescued us we went back to how we were, how we should be to fit in Starfleet protocol. Our attraction for each other was there underlying everything we did for those seven years. I suppose you could say we had an unspoken agreement that we would wait for each other, that we would wait till we got home. For the most part we did, it wasn't easy for either of us and the delta quadrant took its toll on us. We both hurt each other, neither one of us to blame. We both tried to find fulfilment from a relationship with others, on more than one occasion. When seven came to me my first instinct was to turn her away but I saw a new and exciting human side to her; she needed me. Kathryn hadn't needed me in a long time, if she ever had really. It was good to be needed again; I never meant it to go as far as it did. Nor had I planned getting back to the alpha quadrant when we did.

Kathryn's POV...

There are those who would say I am using Jack just because Chakotay is with Seven. The sad thing they would be right. From the moment I saw Chakotay's Starfleet and criminal record I knew I was interested. It intrigued me how somebody as Moral as this Native American could end up a known theorist. Of course I was wary for a long time after our first meeting. Even when he came on board Voyager it was always constant in my mind that he and his fellow crew were in fact my prisoners. In those early days in the delta quadrant I was not at all prepared to compromise my Starfleet ways and it wasn't easy integrating the maquis into Voyager. Chakotay proved then to be invaluable. I slowly found myself falling for him; my heart had long left my then fiancé mark behind and was fast being drawn to my first officer. I wouldn't let myself fall into submission before him though my heart belonged to him, not that he knew it then. Then new earth came and I was free, though I protested and put up a fight at first. When he declared his love for me I let him. We shared something special, something unique. When Voyager rescued us I forced us back into protocol and how we should be. I never explained to him why I did that, I always saw it that we had an unspoken agreement; we would wait for each other, wait till we got home. We sort of did but life in the delta quadrant was hard, we hurt each other many times. Several times I found fulfilment in other relationships, as did he. I suppose that's what happened with Seven. I had been pushing Chakotay away for a long time by then, me suppose seven was quite an appeal. I can't blame him. To be honest I don't think he expected to get back to the alpha quadrant when we did.

Seven's POV...

I walked away and he couldn't stop me. They had history between them by the time I arrived on board. Much of it I didn't know but nobody could fail to notice the affection each hold for each other. It was clear to from the moment Chakotay took over command from the captain that first day I was on Voyager that they are so very different from each other but they are also very much able to work together for a common goal. Their affection for each other has only depended in the years I have been with them rather than diminished. When I was encouraged to develop the area of individuality I also wanted to learn of what it is the be involved romantically. Commander Chakotay seemed the perfect choice. If he was good enough for the captain then he clearly was the superior choice for this kind of teaching. When I approached him with my request for lessons in this area he was more than happy to oblige. I am not sure captain Janeway was supposed to find out. I don't think he expected to get back to the alpha quadrant when we did.


	16. Chapter 16

It was a cold and wet day in mid-February when Kathryn Janeway found herself working late at the office. It had been many months since the bbq at tom and B'Elanna"s and she couldn't help but feel a little abandoned by Chakotay who she hadn't seen since that day. Things between her and Jack had not been going as well as she had first hoped. It was a rare occasion when Kathryn actually got chance to be alone and she was filing it by sipping coffee abduction staring out of her window at the streaming rain and the people below who were dodging the rain by running from cover to cover.

While in the absent minded state of letting her thoughts flow to far of distant memories of times past she failed to notice her office door open or the tall, slender figure enter.

After a long moment Kathryn took a sip from her now lukewarm coffee. Just as she did so a very precise voice broke the silence "admiral Janeway is this a bad time?" causing Kathryn to splutter as she spun round to look into the blue eyes of her old friend.

"Seven?" Kathryn sputtered quite off guard "I didn't expect you to be here, but no it's not a bad time, my door is always open to you and any of my Voyager crew. Do take a seat" she said smiling and gesturing towards one of the oversized sofas in her office, in which the tall ex-Borg dutifully sat in one, Kathryn had to smile there was a time when sitting would have been out of the question to seven who always preferred to stand. "Can I get you anything?" Kathryn asked gesturing towards her replicator as she made an order for her own mug of coffee.

"No thank you admiral." seven said stiffly.

Taking her seat opposite Seven with her coffee mug in hand she looked at the younger woman in anticipation of what she was about to say, when seven made no move to enlighten her of the reasons for her visit Kathryn decided to settle for small talk "I trust yourself and captain Chakotay are well?" she asked having not heard from either in well over six months.

Seven raised a silver eyebrow and said stiffly "captain Chakotay and I are no longer together."

"You're not?" asked Kathryn generally surprised. Life with Jack had forced her to be distant from many of the Voyager crew and with Chakotay clearly not made a contact with her this news hadn't reached Kathryn yet.

"No" seven informed her "it surprises me Chakotay hasn't already informed you of this information."

Still feeling taken aback and shocked by the news Kathryn shook her head taking a sip from her coffee mug before saying "no I have to admit I haven't been in contact with Chakotay for many months now, it I can admit hasn't entirely been his fault." Kathryn told her feeling a little confused who Tom or B'Elanna or one of the other Voyager's hadn't told her but if truth be told her little amount of communication with them could hardly pass as a real conversation. Seven raised her silver eyebrow as Kathryn asked calmly "may I ask what happened between you, I was so sure you would marry."

"As was I" seven informed her "but I felt I deserve more than what captain Chakotay could offer." seven told her.

Kathryn looked at the younger woman, for nearly nine years Kathryn had longed to have what seven had just thrown away. "Captain Chakotay is a good man, I am sure you could have worked through your differences." Kathryn told her "that's the beauty of being human, the beauty of being an individual."

"I deserved more than always being second best to one other." seven told her "you always told me that as an individual I had the right and ability to think for myself and to make my own choices."

"That's true seven but sometimes we have to stick with the choices we first made even if later it rules out another choice we would rather have." Kathryn tried to tell the younger woman she had always seen as a protégé or daughter "its part of integrity."

"indeed but admiral another part of integrity would be to not begin a relationship when you are in love with another woman and then continue to have those feelings though you are still continuing a romantic relationship with a woman you are not in love with." came seven's direct and almost accusing point.

Kathryn placed her coffee mug slowly on the table before her and clasped her hands together on her lap before looking up at the straight backed younger woman. "I am quite sure it was never Chakotay's intention to hurt you." Kathryn told her seriously "I am sure Chakotay would never have acted on his feelings."

"As am I" seven told her "as I am sure you would never have acted on your feelings for him."

Kathryn sighed and then whispered "seven-"

"Please don't insult my intelligence by pretending you do not have romantic feelings for captain Chakotay." seven cut her off.

"I won't lie to you seven" Kathryn told her "I have been attracted to Chakotay from the early days of our journey, that much is true and perhaps I have been aware of Chakotay feeling a similar way but nothing has ever come to pass because of it, I have always respected the fact he chose to be with you."

"Just as Chakotay always respected your view that two officers of different ranks could never be together." seven pointed out "but I don't want to be second best. Chosen because he is respecting your view. I deserve more."

"yes you do" agreed Kathryn sadly "anyone does" sighing and fighting to hold back tears she told her apprentice "I don't know why he chose you in the delta quadrant but he always knew in the alpha quadrant there might have been a chance between him and I but he still chose you though he had returned."

"He believed you no longer wished to be with him, I believe the term is he was trying to 'move on'" seven informed her.

Taking a deep breath Kathryn said to her "seven I am sorry"

"It is my understanding of such things that you were also hurt by the relationship of Chakotay and I."

Lifting her coffee and taking a last sip she told the younger woman "in a way yes" then standing and moving towards the replicator to recycle her now empty mug she said "I was hurt more by Chakotay's lack of acknowledgment of our prior agreement."

"It is my understanding there was no formal or spoken prior agreement."

"Seven" Kathryn told her "when you come to learn more of these things you will see there is far more to it than what is formal or spoken."

"I am sure" seven said coolly with a raised eyebrow.

Pinching the bridge of her nose with her forefinger and thumb she asked "so what brought you to come and see me considering you thought I already knew of your brake up."

Straightening her posture even more seven stated coolly "omega" Kathryn's only response was to cough and stare at her in disbelief "I wish you to authorize me for access to Voyages records on the protection of omega."

"Seven" gasped Kathryn "surely you are aware I can't grant you access into that kind of file."


	17. Chapter 17

**Before I begin my next chapter there are a few things I want to clear up beforehand... Firstly I was not aware of any current story to do with Omega and so no bandwagon has been jumped on. Though I have since begun to read HalfjefijnVolkoren's story called 'Checkmate' which focus around Omega and I must say it is a wonderful piece of work so go read it if you get the chance! My story has little to do with Omega, you will soon see. **

**Secondly I have been asked when J/C comes into this story. I assure you VERY soon! Thus is a J/C story and as promised it is coming very soon! **

**Thirdly I just like to warn you this chapter has mild domestic violence in it, sorry if this upsets you. Thank you...**

"Where the hell have you been?" Jack yelled as he turned on his girlfriend who had just arrived at his home and was shaking the rainwater from her dripping hair.

"I was working late." she called from the bathroom as she grabbed a towel to rub her red hair dry.

"Don't lie to me Kathryn" Jack Lang growled as she came towards him her head still wrapped in the towel.

Kathryn's heart sank, this was exactly what she had hoped to avoid. all they seemed to be doing lately was mistrusting each other and arguing over it "Jack!" she sighed giving her hair one last quick rub before discarding the towel on the kitchen chairs and making her way part the fuming admiral to the replicator to order herself a strong mug of tea.

"I am asking you were you have been." Jack snapped grabbing her elbow and spinning her forcefully round to make her look at him.

"And I am telling you I was working late at the office." she snapped back turning to grab the steaming mug of coffee that had just materialized in the replicator.

"Alone?" he asked not at all hiding his anger.

"At first yes" ahead told him curtly turning her back on him answer sipping her coffee.

"then?" he demanded grabbing her even more forcefully and spinning her round to make her look at him causing her to spill the streaming liquid on her hand causing an angry red burn to appear on her skin. clenching her teeth in pain she tried to pull free from his angry grip but he wouldn't give in. "you were alone at first, then?" he demanded bringing his face close to hers and throwing the coffee mug from her hand to the floor.

Her wide blue eyes met his angry eyes with defence abduction she pushed free from him, set her jaw and snapped "then an old friend from Voyager came to see me."

"A friend?" growled Jack in sarcastic question as she moved to the other side of the room away from him.

"Yes Jack a friend" she hissed heavily feeling this mistrust was pointless and going over the same old ground. "She came to seek my help in exploring religious beliefs."

"She?" he almost coughed in disbelief.

"Yes a woman" Kathryn repeated at him.

"Came to scientist for help with religious belief" Jack spat at her sarcastically trying to show he didn't believe her.

closing her eyes and taking a deep breath she felt her anger rising as she told him "seven of nine having been with captain Chakotay had learnt much in the area of religion and wanted to know if I-"

"Was Chakotay with her?" Jack interrupted her moving closer to her his own emotions and mistrust getting the better of him.

There, thought Kathryn here is the real problem before she told him "no Jack he wasn't, they are no longer together but -"

"You won't be getting any ideas now will you?" he hissed pressing her against the wall answer breathing heavily in her face.

"What ideas are you referring to?" she hissed back form where he held her.

"you play it sweet and innocent but inside you are a revenues wolf" he spat at her in disgust "I tamed you, your mine so don't you go getting any ideas about that maquis dog of yours now you found out his Borg dumbed him on the street."

Something about the way he said know made he realise what was really going on here "you knew they split up?"

"I knew" he admitted pushing her hard against the wall and then withdrawing to let her go.

"And you didn't tell me?" she asked feeling angry and confused.

"You didn't need to know."

"You don't have the right to say what I do and don't need to know." she told him her own command voice and forcefulness coming out.

"So you do want to see him." Jack yelled rounding on her.

"Jack you can't stop me seeing my friends."

Jack lunged for her grabbing her hair and throwing her to the floor as she growled through gritted teeth "you're so ungrateful, I have provided you with everything since you moved into my home and you repay me with lack of respect."

"Lack of respect?" she yelled as she picked herself off his floor "Jack have you even heard yourself?" I am not some crewman of one of your ships"

"No you're my woman" he told her as he stood over her proudly.

"When last I looked this was an equal relationship." he told him drawing herself to her full height and gave her famous death glare. He didn't reply with words, before she knew what had happened his fist plunged hard into her stomach "Jack! She gasped taken off guard.

"seven of nine!" he spat "you expect me to believe that?" and with that his fist smacked into her jaw "filthy whore" Kathryn was quick off the mark as her Starfleet training kicked in, something Jack had not taken into account as she evened out the score.


	18. Chapter 18

**Just a quick one to keep it rolling….**

It was very late one wet February evening when captain Chakotay was just considering giving up and heading to bed when his door chime went. He was fed up, fed up of life in the alpha quadrant. Three months ago he was happy and about to be married to a very beautiful woman. Sure she wasn't the woman he really wanted to marry but she was a wonderful second best. The only problem was she deserved more than second best, more than he could offer. That was why she walked out on him and that was why he let her. The woman he really wanted had also walked out on him, right into the arms of another man. Perhaps a man more suited to her. An admiral, a much decorated admiral.

He missed the closeness of the company of Voyager but out here in the alpha quadrant or rather back "home" in the alpha quadrant things seemed to be a one man job. On Voyager Chakotay wouldn't have second guessed his door chime ringing that late at night but here things were different.

Having ignored it in the hope they would go away the intruding person rung the chime several times, they clearly were not going away.

Deciding to open the door and give them an unpleasant word captain Chakotay found himself face to face with the last person in the alpha quadrant he had expected to see, nor did he ever expect to see her the way she was. "You wouldn't happen to have a dermal regenerator to lend to an old friend would you?" she asked stood in the rain at his doorstep.

"Kathryn?" he gasped at the sight of her torn uniform and blood-stained jaw mixed with the rain water pouring down her face and hair "spirits Kathryn what happened to you?" he asked guiding her inside and closing the door.

"A fight" she joked "this isn't bad; you want to see the other guy."

Chakotay went to offer her the dermal regenerator he had just replicated but changed his mind and took her chin in his firm hand making her look at him as he set about regenerating the cut in her jaw. His gentle soft and loving touch was now somewhat alien to her but she let him do it just the same for she knew he could see the cuts and bruises on her face much better than she could. Her deep grey eyes looked longingly into his darkened eyes. Once he had regenerated all the visible wounds he let go of her chin but didn't take his eyes from her as he silently reached for a towel and handed it to her.

With a slight smile she took if from him and told him casually, "It's wet out there." before she began rubbing her hair dry for the second time that evening. As she moved to his replicator she ordered a coffee. Chakotay kept his eyes on her but didn't say a word. As she reached to pick up her coffee mug she winced because of the sharp pain in her hand because of the burn. "Have you got that dermal regenerator again?" she asked turning to him with a smile.

Handing it to her he asked "Kathryn what happened to you?"

He stood silently worried as he watched her tend to her own wound. "I told you, a fight."

Handing back the dermal regenerator she picked up coffee and began to sip the bitter drink she loved so much. Chakotay couldn't help but chuckle and shake his head.

"What's so funny?" she demanded in mock annoyance.

"You" he told her replicating his own mug of tea. "I haven't heard from you in three months, I was beginning to wonder if I should just let you go and enjoy life with your new husband and then you show up here covered in cuts and bruises in the pouring rain."

Kathryn was now staring at him with wide blue eyes "I'm sorry Chakotay you have lost me, husband?"

Chakotay looked at her suspiciously "Admiral Jack Lang." he told her watching her with concern "your husband."

"Chakotay I don't know where you have got your information from but it is so very wrong. Jack Lang and I are not married nor have we ever been." she informed him much to his confusion "and after tonight" she spat "we never will be anything."

"Jack?" yelled Chakotay "Jack Lang did this to you?"

"You should see what I did to him." she smiled. "What made you think I married him?"

"He told me." Chakotay told her his concern and anger rising.


	19. Chapter 19

**It has been expressed to me that my chapters a too short. This is an issue I am aware of but with my limited time with my job, lack of computer (I am actually writing them on my cheap phone) and wanting to get at least one chapter a day the chapters have been short. Sorry. I do really listen to my reviewers and take on board what they say and I will see what I can do about longer chapters but it may mean longer time between them…**

"He told you?" Kathryn snapped pacing his kitchen floor "chakotay what on earth are you talking about? When did he tell you?" she was getting quite high pitched now.

"Two months back, Jack told me you and he married in a small private ceremony, just how you had wanted it and that you were trying to move on from any past between us." Chakotay replied head was spinning but he was trying to stay calm. He didn't understand, why had Jack told him she was married to him. Chakotay found he couldn't think straight, she muttering and pacing was annoying him just as it always did back when they were on Voyager together. "Damn it Kathryn will you please stop pacing and sit down?"

"No" she snapped waving her free hand at him as she continued pacing "no," She also couldn't make sense of the news she was hearing, she married to Jack Lang? It didn't make sense. "I haven't heard from you in months, I only found out about you and seven splitting this evening." Finally stopping her pacing she spun round to face him and told him softly "sorry about that, really I am."

Chakotay was taken aback and had to do a double take to think what she had just said. "You are?"

Sighing and moving towards him she softly rested her hand on his arm and gave it what she hoped was a reassuring squeeze as she told him "Chakotay I am not heartless, I know it would have been hard for you."

"Thanks Kathryn, but it probably was for the best." He told her truthfully as he looked down and let his eye meet hers. All the longing, desire and love he had tried to forget and move on from came flooding back as he looked into her face. "Seven was right, she did deserve more." He whispered, his sudden longing for Kathryn seemed to confirm the point even more, one glance at her and he was under her spell.

Tilting her head and giving him that same old compassionate half smile she asked "and you?"

"I deserved what my choices left me with." He admitted. Then almost as though he tried to keep himself together he pulled away from her gaze and her touch and told her seriously "Kathryn I told Jack about my split with Seven the night we split, he told me he would pass the message on."

"yes, I found out tonight he had known, he felt I, what was it?" she spat with annoyance and disgust "that I didn't need to know." Then the pacing began again "that's why he hadn't told me."

"So how did you find out?" chakotay asked his own anger rising as he watched her.

"Seven." She informed him over her shoulder.

"seven?" he gasped quite in surprise "you're in contact with her?"

Stopping her pacing and looking at him she told him "I haven't been, she actually came to see me earlier this evening, she needed some motherly advise on something" Kathryn shot her head round to glare at him just as he opened his mouth to say something when she hissed in her famous command tone "and chakotay don't ask me what because you know I won't break a confidence."

"I wouldn't dream of asking you that, but how is she?" which was a question causing Kathryn to look surprised which slightly angered Chakotay. So he snapped at her in his defence "Kathryn no matter what I still care."

"she's well" nodded Kathryn. At the sight of Chakotay's look of eagerness to no more Kathryn sighed and told him softly "really she's happy, if that's possible for a Borg." Then suddenly feeling the need to reassure I'm she said "she's ok with the way things went between you, she has seen it as a learning curve."

"a learning curve?" Chakotay asked trying to understand what Kathryn could possibly mean by that.

"you always remember your first boyfriend" Kathryn told him softly, a far off distant memory of Neil King, her teenage fling. "and your first break up."

"I never meant to hurt her." Chakotay told Kathryn softly realising that emotionally and mentally Seven was not an adult, she was still only entering puberty in many areas and was an adolescent.

"I know that" Kathryn reassured him with her deep blue eyes "she knows that" she nodded "she's happy, she's content in her new job, advisor to integrating Borg technology, she is the only woman for the job." Then with a little laugh and a shake of her head she said "She is moving to Jupiter station the work with Tom and B'Elanna temporarily."

Chakotay smiled a dimpled smile as he told her "she got quite close to B'Elanna."

Kathryn snorted into her coffee mug as she looked at him over the rim and asked "I'm sorry Chakotay did you just say Seven and B'Elanna close?"

"Surprisingly yes Kathryn" he smiled "B'Elanna was the one who helped her through her break up with me" then with his own snort her laughed and told her "in fact she encouraged it."

"well I never, our crew is growing up to be a fine little family wouldn't you say Captain." Kathryn joked with him. Her smile was real, her blue eyes were blazing and Chakotay noted she truly was relaxed.

"I would say it's been missing its mother hen of late." Chakotay told her coming up close to her and taking her hands in his and stroking her knuckles with his thumb. "where have you been?" he asked softly but she turned her face away from him. Taking her chin gently in his finger and thumb he made her look at him as he gazed into her eyes "What happened between you and Jack."

"don't be angry" she asked him as she stood one hand held in is his over hand still holding her chin.

"angry?" she growled removing his hand from her face and moving away from her with his back to her "he's lucky I don't rip his head off."

"a personal vendetta will get you nowhere." She insisted seriously.

"how can you say that Kathryn, you showed up here black and blue." He hissed turning to look at her with pain and anger etched in his face.

"remember the Equinox?" she snapped "Ranson?" she asked referring to a less than happier time on their journey in the Delta Quadrant when Chakotay had stopped her from crossing the line in taking a personal vendetta and anger too far. The shock of her mentioning it was evident on his face, then the confusion as he tried to work out its relevance and then as realization on her point dawned on his face she said "Chakotay if we react to Jack the way he reacted to me, in anger, believe me it makes us no better than him." She insisted taking his hands back in hers "that's a line I am not prepared to cross" her blue eyes were pleading with his now. As she reached up and traced his tribal tattoo above his left eye with her finger. "and I won't let you either, just like you did for me during the Equinox incident."

"your still soaking" as all he could say as he felt a knot in his throat, the rain water still dripping from her.

"I know, I could do with freshening up" she told him pulling from him "you wouldn't happen to have a bath tub around here you might let a weary traveller relax in would you?"

"Up the stairs, first on the left." He told her with a laugh as he handed her to towel she had been using to try to dry her hair when she first arrived "use the replicator up there to replicate yourself some clothes if you want."

"thanks" she said forcing herself to take her eyes from his as she tried to keep composure and distance even though their affection for each other spanned over many years.

"have you eaten this evening?" he called after her as she made her way to his stairs.

"not yet no." she gave in reply as she turned to look at him.

With a smile he told her "nor me, I'll get dinner ready while you take a bath."

"I'll be a while."

"I know."

"Oh?" she asked.

With a laugh he told her "Kathryn, it's you, it's a bath, of course you'll be a while, and I wouldn't expect anything else from you."

"hummm" came her reply as she turned once more towards his stairs. It was only when she had her back to him did she smile.

"I am going to home cook not replicate so I'll be a while with the dinner anyway."

"Oh chakotay you don't have to do that." She whispered at shock of his words "you don't have to go to all that trouble for me."

"I know" he told her seriously "I want to." Then with a smile he waved her up the stairs "now get going before you waste any more time" with that she began to hurry us the stairs "and feel free to replicate a coffee to drink in the bath." He told her when she was half way up. "and Kathryn, it's good to see you again." he shouted just as she disappeared into the bathroom.

"you too." Came her reply as the door swished shut behind her.


	20. Chapter 20

Chakotay stood with a dimpled smile as he looked at the beautiful table he had laid before him. He had dreamed of seeing Kathryn again but he could never have imagined it would be this way. He had enjoyed cooking the meal he had just prepared for them both and it got his mind off the sight of Kathryn broken and beaten. He smiled to himself because he knew she was on her way down because he had heard her get out the bath and drain the water. He found himself laughing, she had only been in there an hour, and it seemed she was being quick on his account.

Chakotay just had time to check the table once over, light the candle and dim the lights as he heard her make her way down the stairs. He turned to offer her the choice of red or white wine when he found himself taken so aback. Admiral Janeway was not there, stood before him was a woman, a woman he had long given up hope to see again. Kathryn Janeway stood before him with a real smile and glistening blue eyes. The first thing Chakotay really noticed was her hair. It looked so vibrant and silky, its red tinge glistening in the candle light. It was long and hung loosely down her back and around her shoulders. Her pale skin had just a hint of rose on her cheeks. She was beautiful and most of all she was a woman not just a female admiral. Chakotay followed his gaze downwards to the blue dress that hung nicely from her shoulders on beautiful lase straps. Her arms and shoulders rested bear with a smattering of freckles he had failed to observe before. She reminded him of the freshness she looked the last time he saw her, at the bbq at Tom and B'Elanna's but this time she looked a different kind of beautiful. Openness hung about her that hadn't been there that day.

"Kathryn" Chakotay whispered "you look beautiful."

She looked up at him and smiled "thanks"

"No Kathryn" he told her knowing she had not taken in what he was saying "really beautiful." he told her as he stepped within inches of her and took some of her long hair in his hand and let it fall like a silk cloth through his fingertips.

Not wanting to allow herself to get wrapped up in her feelings for Chakotay, feelings that were now finding themselves to the top of her heart she purposefully looked past him at the table and said quickly "oh Chakotay you needn't have"

"You deserve it" he told her softly "and I missed you. We used to share a dinner like this on Voyager, why should now be any different?"

"Voyager seems such a long time ago now." She told him sadly "a whole different life time ago."

"It was" he greed as he stood next to her trying to gauged where her emotions were leading.

Suddenly as though snapping from a trance she turned her face to look at him as she asked softly "do you miss it?"

After a few seconds of silent thought "yes and no." he answered then asked gently "do you?"

With a smile she turned away and looked out of his city apartment window at the dim lights flickering in the night sky as she told him "I miss the excitement, the sense of adventure." Then walking over to the table to take her seat she stared at the flickering flame of the candle "I miss exploring, I miss the great unknown."

"Is life a little boring for you at the top?" Chakotay asked with a dimpled smile as he joined her at the table.

"I am hardly at the top Chakotay; I get my orders just the same." He reminded him.

"You also give them too." He told her softly reaching across the table and giving her hand a reassuring squeeze "I know you were the one to order the enterprise in."

To his delight she didn't pull away, she met his eyes sadly and told him "that one was my call yes, and I am still going round and round what happened in my head."

"I am sorry Kathryn."

"to lose an officer is just part of Starfleet in many ways" she told him pulling her hand from his and looking out the window once more "you know what it's like" she told him "you know your first command decision gone wrong is always a hard one."

"It was hardly your first." He pointed out not taking his eyes of her, concern evident in his voice.

"As an admiral it was." She reminded him.

A long silence lingered between the two, there was nothing more that could be said and they both knew it. "Red or white?" he asked referring to the choice of wine after a long silence.

"Red please" she replied with a cheery smile.

She watched as he popped the cork and poured two glasses of the red wine. Handing her one he rose from the seat he had been sat in and told her "dinners on its way, I thought you would be longer in the shower."

"It won't do to keep your host waiting." she reminded him as she informed him why she had only been in the bath an hour.

"Well you are just going to have to sit there and wait now." he informed her in pretend disapproval.

"Can I help?" she offered seriously.

Chakotay snorted at the idea before asking with a laugh "you? Cook? No thanks!"

"I can cook!" she insisted. When his face showed he didn't believe her she told him "Chakotay it was my replicator, it didn't like me."

"Sure Kathryn."

"It was." she told him issuing her best death glare which only made him laugh as he walked into the kitchen and to check on the food.

Kathryn had to smile, she knew she was a hopeless cook but she didn't like to admit her failings. Looking at the beautiful table she saw for the first time in the centre the most exquisite vase with beautiful full out peach roses. "These are beautiful." she told him just as he was returning from the kitchen. He was taken aback more by the beautiful and radiant smile she had on her face as she leant forward to feel them and stroke them.

Smiling Chakotay joined her once more at the table telling her "thanks I replicated them myself."

"Peace roses." she whispered. then looking up she let her shining blue eyes meet softly with his dark brown eyes that were now filled with love for her "Something special in the name?" she asked referring to their need for peace between them after so much pain.

"I never thought of that" he admitted at he looked down at the beautiful roses.

"Lake Georgia." she whispered ever so softly he wasn't sure he had heard her right.

"Kathryn?" he asked looking at her beautifully relaxed face in the hope she had said what he thought she had.

"Lake Georgia" she repeated making his heart thump louder in her chest. "We should go sailing there one day, sailing on the real lake Georgia."

"You remembered." he whispered in awe, those times they shared together at the beginning of their journey in the delta quadrant seemed so far off and distant and never talked about her had often wondered if she had forgotten.

"A single peace rose" she told him with a nod "that's what you gave me the day we went sailing on the holographic Lake Georgia." then looking down at the roses she let her fingertips glide over the petals as she told him "or course I remember."

"I thought I had lost you that day but you hung on."

"I had to" she reminded him firmly "I had to get my crew home."

Chakotay knew right there in those words was her guilt, her command stance, her painful will power. Chakotay knew there was a lot more meeting in her words than it sounded. Standing silently he moved towards the kitchen and shouted "dinners here."

"Nut roast?" she almost laughed as he placed the plate before her "amazing." then she laughed and said "it reminds me of-"but stopped herself abduction looked away.

"Of?" he pressed.

"Nothing."

"No Kathryn, nut roast reminds you of?" she pressed again sitting opposite her with his own plate.

"I was going to say New Earth." she told him softly as she looked up at him "nut roast reminds me of New Earth."

"Seeing you in a dress remind me of New Earth." he told her with an almost sad dimpled smile.

"I have worn dresses at other times." she pointed out.

"but you were the most free on New Earth." he told her with love in his voice at the memory "you were just Kathryn then, not the guilt ridden Starfleet officer I have come to see in you."

Turning from him almost in shame she reminded him "we were both a lot of things back then, we both made promises, promises we could not keep."

"I hurt you." he said knowing exactly what her words went.

"Yes" he said bluntly "yes you did" taking a bite of the wonderfully cooked nut roast she told him "and I hurt you."

"Did you know?" he asked taking his own bite of food.

"What?"

"That Seven and I were together."

"Not at first, no." she admitted truthfully.

But Chakotay knew better, he knew there was more to it than she was saying "but you knew before we made it to the Alpha Quadrant."

"yes." she said bluntly.

"That's it? Just yes?"

"What are you asking for Chakotay?" she sighed placing her fork on her plate "I tried to put my personal feelings aside and be happy for you." as reminded him as she sadly admitted "I tried to move on."

"That's why you were with Jack? To move on?"

"Of course, you asked me to conduct your wedding Chakotay, excuse me for not hanging around waiting for you." she snapped her full hurt and anger coming out.

"I could say the same" he spat letting his own hurt and anger come. "You told me we could never be together, our ranks wouldn't permit it. You kept saying it every time I got within a mile of actually being close to you." looking right at her he told her "well guess what Kathryn I listened."


	21. Chapter 21

"ok Chakotay you listened" Kathryn snapped waving her left hand at him and trying to finish eating her dinner with the other "I listened to you too, the least I could do was be happy for you, remember?" she hissed referring to his words he had shouted at her in his anger "so now what?"

"dam you Kathryn" he growled feeling more annoyed, she had this wonderful ability to turn around everything that was said to make everyone else in the wrong but her although he did also know that she did have a point about the harsh and unfair words he had said to her.

"What?" she asked feeling annoyed but coming across the full part of innocence.

Chakotay met her eyes with his, he knew really that fighting was pointless but he was hurt "you show up Here after all this time and expect to fit nicely in!"

"I'll go then" she said standing up though she had no idea where she was actually going to go to, she was now homeless though she had not fully made Chakotay aware of this.

"That's not what I want." he sighed as he stood to meet her level.

"Fine what are you asking for?" she asked almost deflated, she knew they both wanted the arguments to end.

"Kathryn I care for you" he whispered walking round the table to take her hands in his "don't you see?" he begged "it angers me and pains me to see you show up here the way you did"

"My angry warrior" she pointed out softly pulling from him, turning her back on him and then standing for a long silence looking out at the city night sky.

Chakotay stood watching where she stood in silence and he knew her well enough to know she tried to disguise fear "talk to me Kathryn, where is Jack?" he asked he resting a caring hand on her shoulder to turn her to face him? "Does he know your here?"

"No" she insisted. Then with a heavy sigh told him "and he's fine, but he won't be coming after me"

"How can you be so sure?" Chakotay asked feeling like he needed some reassuring.

"I let the doctor know he needed assistance." she told him slightly smugly which didn't reassure him at all. Upon realising this she rolled her eyes, placed her hand on his arm and told him with a smile "Voyagers own EMH is with him"

"And the doc didn't see to your wounds?" he asked pointing out a very valid reason why he shouldn't believe her.

"If you were me would you have hung around to let the doc see you in that state?" she asked with her famous death glare.

"No" he said hesitantly "I suppose not"

"There"

"But you didn't mind me seeing you that way?"

"No" she told him as though this was clear "Chakotay we travelled the delta quadrant side by side" then looking deep into his eyes she told him "you have seen me at my worst, and my very best"

"Thanks" he said with a dimpled smile "I think"

"That was supposed to be a compliment" she pointed out seriously.

"So Jack will be ok?" Chakotay asked not sure why he was so concerned for the man who had just attacked Kathryn.

"Of course" she told him staring at him "I didn't kill him" then as though trying hard to make sure he understood her point she said softly "Chakotay I don't agree with violence, I was only protecting myself"

"I should have followed my first instinct" he growled.

"Excuse me?" she asked confused and unsure where he was coming from.

"I never liked Jack" Chakotay said looking out of the window and moving from her "from the first time we met I knew he wasn't right for you but instead I let it be." then almost as though he wasn't sure he should say it he said "even after you stopped replying to any of my messages and even when he told me you married him I let it be."

"When did he tell you that?" she asked, her own anger rising and the confusion as she asked "and what messages I got no messages from you."

"About a month after the bbq. I had been trying to get in touch with you for weeks. Your new aid was being less than helpful."

"New aid?" she spat in confusion, shaking his head at her and telling him "what new aid? Last I looked Hannah Taylor is still my aid."

"Every time I comm. your office I get another young girl who simply tells me you are unavailable."

Kathryn looked at him cautiously and insisted "I haven't heard anything of you or seven since the bbq until seven showed up at my office earlier today. I was still waiting for the information on your wedding"

"I have been trying to get in touch with you for ages but am getting turned away all the time" he insisted.

"I'm sorry, I didn't get any of your messages." Kathryn told him sadly, she knew he was right, she was beginning to feel like a bit of a fool. how could she have not seen this coming "Jack had a bit of an insecurity about my relationship with any of the Voyager crew, particularly you" she admitted sadly suddenly realising that Jack was likely to be to blame for having not seen Chakotay in all this time.

"I know" Chakotay told her which only surprised her further. Realizing her confusion he informed her "I introduced myself at the bbq and he threatened me"

"He what?" she yelled at him with her blue eyes wide and blazing.

"Threatened me, he told me if I came anywhere near you again he would make me wish I had never met you."

"In the words of B'Elanna what a P'Tack!" she snapped. Which in turn made Chakotay laugh a good hearty laugh with his dimpled smile "It's not funny!" she snapped feeling shocked and angry.

"I know it's not, I am sorry Kathryn, it's just that's exactly what she called me that day for suggesting I try to break you and Jack up." he told her trying to fight off a smile.

"Well she was right there!" Kathryn scowled at him with her best command voice, waving her finger at him as though telling him off though her crooked smile break through "you can't have both me and seven, you were about to be married to another woman, you can't just break me and Jack up just because you felt a little jealous."

"Jealous was I?" he asked with a hint of teasing in his voice.

"You tell me?" she asked him with a crooked coy smile "but I have already had one man beat me due to jealousy, please not another one."

"I would never lift a finger to hurt you." he told her running his hand through her long silky hair.

"Not physically no." she agreed without pulling away.

"Ok so I hurt you." he snapped instantly removing his hand from her "I was hurt too. Can we move past that?"

"Maybe" she admitted seriously looking at him feeling unsure what she wanted.

"That's it? Maybe?" he asked feeling hurt it didn't seem to matter to her.

"Nothing is ever as simple as you seem to want it to be." she sighed heavily sinking back into her seat.

"it can be, we can move past the hurt" he told her "we can go back to new earth, back to sailing on lake Georgia." with that he reached across the table and plucked a single rose from the vase and handed it to her "all you have to do is give us a chance."

She hesitated taking it from him and asked cautiously "and if it goes wrong?"

"Then at least we tried."

"Chakotay I care for you so very much, you know that" she told him taking the rose, a symbol of who they used to be together.

"But?"

"I don't think I am ready for us to be an 'us' just yet."

"Just yet?" he asked with hopefulness

"It's not a no." she told him staring deeply at the rose she held in her hand.

"It's not a yes"

"Don't ask me to give more than I can" she begged him.

"And yet you silently ask me to wait for you." he told her. "Just give it a go. I'm not asking you to move in, we can take it slow just give it a go."

She took a very long pause in which she played with the rose in her hand.


	22. Chapter 22

**So very sorry for the delay but here is the next chapter.**

After what felt like an eternity she looked up at him here blue eyes filled with tears as she took a deep breath and whispered "ok"

"What?" Chakotay asked taking her hands in his and meeting her blue eyes with his.

"Yes ok" she told him full of tears "I'll give it a go."

for nine years Chakotay gadgets longed to hear this woman say those words but he had never thought she would "seriously?" he asked his heart skipping a beat as he wiped the tears from her.

"I just said it didn't I?" she asked with a crooked smile.

"You are agreeing to try a relationship with me?" he asked, he needed clarification; he wanted to be sure he had understood her right.

"Yes Chakotay" she told him with a laugh as she let the tears stream down her face "don't make me change my mind."

"Thank you Kathryn, you won't regret it" he told her as he used his thumb to wipe away the tears from her face.

"See that I don't" she joked with her mock death glare.

"Come here" he said with a laugh wrapping his arms around her and holding her to his chest in a hug. As he kissed her shingle red hair on her head he asked softly "what made you change your mind?"

"About what?" she asked as she relaxed into him.

"Relaxing the rule on fraternization" he told her, he had never felt as content as he did now with Kathryn now stud just in front of him looking out the large window.

"Jack" she told him so matter of fact it took him slightly aback

"Jack?"

"Yes, I never want to be as bigoted as him."

Chakotay pulled away from her so he could look closely into her eyes as he told her lovingly "you were never bigoted"

"Maybe not" she muttered turning from him.

"No Kathryn, not maybe" he insisted "you weren't."

"but it's easy to become that way, it's easy to say your holding on to your principles as a Starfleet officer and then let it fuel bigotry" she told him looking deep into his eyes.

"Come here" he said with a smile of love as he took her in his arms and gave her a loving hug.

"I'm sorry" he whispered as he stroked her back.

"For what?"

"He hurt you, I am sorry you had to go through that"

"I am as good as new now." she told him with a reassuring smile trying to stay strong as she pulled from him and took her seat on the sofa.

"How are you enjoying life in that big office of yours?" he asked deciding to change to subject as he joined her on the sofa.

"It's ok"

"Just ok?" he asked with concern.

"well sometimes I feel I don't see anything else" Kathryn was a strong character and very much able to hold her own, to say she was looking venerable would not be fair but Chakotay had noticed she had suddenly become more relaxed and open with him.

"I've been telling you for years, you work too hard." he laughed with a hint of seriousness to it.

Chakotay's comment reminded Kathryn of something else as she asked "have you heard from Tom or B'Elanna lately?"

"B'Elanna sent me some new holo images of Mirral" Chakotay smiled, it had been a few months since the family moved to Jupiter Station. "She is getting big now." he commented.

"Yes" Kathryn told him "seven invited me to join her in the journey to Jupiter station, I must say I feel I could do with a break."

"So you're going to go with seven?" he asked almost slightly shocked.

"It's an enticing offer." she admitted looking into his eyes trying to work out how he felt about it.

"How long will you go for?" he asked her not really giving any of his feelings away.

"Just two weeks, I will be able to see Tom and B'Elanna and the baby as well as get some rest." she told him and when he made no emotion she asked "oh Chakotay you don't mind do you?"

"Not at all Kathryn" he told her with a loving smile "I think it's a great idea."

"You do?" she asked pleased but still almost shocked.

"Of course I'll miss you" he told her "I found you only to lose you again."

"You won't lose me" she promised him "I'll be back" then taking his hand she stretched out to lie resting over his knees "and we still have a week before I go."

"So you are planning to see me in this coming week then?" he asked teasingly as he brushed hair from her face from where she looked up at him from his lap.

"Well actually the thing is-" she began.

"Don't change your mind on me" he cut across her.

"No that's not it." she told him as she propped herself up to look in his eyes with full concentration "Chakotay you know you said I didn't have to move in with you?"

"You don't, we can take it as slow as you want." he told her thinking she needed reassuring.

"The thing is" she began "well Chakotay I don't have anywhere to stay" and with that she rushed out her mouth "I came here hoping you have a spare room."

"A spare room?" he sputtered very much taken aback.

"Please" she almost begged.

It didn't take him much to think before he told her "if you want my spare room it's yours"

"Thanks" she smiled up at him.

"Come on I'll show you." he said tapping her back to make her stand up and so freeing him to stand.


	23. Chapter 23

**So very sorry for lack of updates, I haven't been very well and got rather behind on a lot of things. Anyway, here it is, enjoy…**

Kathryn Janeway awoke from what felt like a good night's sleep. It took her a minute to orientate herself; a plain earthy sent invading her sense. the beautifully hand carved wooden bed she found herself in covered in finely woven and knitted blankets gave an old earth feel to her night's sleep, a far cry from the 24th century world her sleeping quarters where normally from. Though she did notice the small replicator hidden away behind a hanging tribal tapestry. Sitting up in bed Kathryn smiled to herself with her trademark crooked smile. This whole room reminded her of Chakotay and she felt so safe in it. Chakotay lived in a small house but it had a beauty about it. It was central San Francisco but was an ancient house from the late 20th century which had been renovated to fit all the modern technology, a little like Chakotay and his tribal ways Kathryn mused to herself. Kathryn didn't always sleep so well but was thankful for a wonderful night's sleep. She thought over the day before and had she not woken in Chakotay's guest bedroom she would have thought the whole thing to be a dream. First Seven of Nine came to see her wanting to be friends and invite her on a holiday to Jupiter Station, and then her boyfriend attacked her forcing her to leave his home which left her homeless as she had sold her house to move in with him. Then she turned to her almost lost friend and unrequited lover for help who asked her to become his girlfriend, which she had accepted before retiring to his guest bedroom alone for the night. These things only tend to happen in books she laughed shaking her head as she wrapped one of the beautiful hand embroidered blankets around herself and padded over the wooden floor with her bare feet to order a steaming mug of black coffee from the replicator. As she did so she thought back over the first days of her relationship with Jack Lang, it certainly was nothing like this. He had slyly pushed her into a physical relationship far too early and forced her to move in with him and sell her own house, her family house. He had been domineering from the beginning she had simply been too blind to notice.

a gentle tap on the wooden door suddenly brought her from her thought "hello?" she called softly clutching the blanket tighter around herself and took another sip from her morning coffee, though she was unaware what time it actually was the sun was streaming through her bedroom window.

"Kathryn, may I come in?" Chakotay deep voice came muffled through the door.

Kathryn had to smile, Chakotay ever the gentleman, by now Jack Lang would have been in and all over her in the hope he could catch a glimpse of her naked. "Yes, sorry Chakotay, what time is it?"

"Not too late" he told her with a dimpled smile as he opened the door. "It's only nine" when she looked horrified he told her "I thought you needed the lie in, when I saw you used your replicator I knew you were awake."

Shocked she blushed saying "sorry, I should have asked." then looking at her mug she raised it saying "morning coffee"

Which caused him to snort "I've been telling you for years that stuff is not good for you, especially not first thing in the morning."

"Yes and I've been ignoring you for years" she reminded him.

To which he looked slightly dejected but recovered well by saying "I'm the one who should be sorry, it's something to do with the way they fitted the replicators into these old houses, there's a main board that tells me when one has been used. Please don't think it as an invasion of privacy, feel free to replicate whatever you want or need. It doesn't tell me what you replicate only that you have." it was then Kathryn noticed he had stayed in the doorway and had stayed a distance from her allowing her privacy and respect, something Jack had never really done. It was becoming clearer to Kathryn simply by seeing how Chakotay was treating her. "I just brought you homemade breakfast in bed, its better than anything you could replicate." he said as he picked up a tray from outside her room and placed it on the little bedside table. "Come down when you're ready, call me if you need anything."

"Thanks" she told him with a smile as she sat back down on the bed and smiled at him. With that he was gone closing the door behind him. A bright happy smile drawn across his face. She has looked so beautiful her red hair uncombed, her blue eyes bright and relaxed with freckles visible across her nose and cheeks due to the natural lack of make-up. Her bare feet poking out from under his mother's sacred prayer blanket which she had been clutching around her as a modesty cover. That was the Kathryn Janeway he had longed to see.


	24. Chapter 24

"Hi" Kathryn said to Chakotay in her deep husky voice as she came to join him in the sitting room where he was sat in a large armchair reading a PADD.

Looking up from his PADD he beamed at her and said softly "hi there, make yourself at home."

Looking around the room she selected a comfy looking sofa opposite where Chakotay was sat. It felt almost natural to Kathryn as she watched him continue to read his PADD.

"Any plans for today?" he asked simply not even looking up from his padd after a few minutes silence.

She looked at him with a crooked smile as she told him "it depends what yours are."

Placing the PADD on the table beside him Chakotay stood and walked up behind her, resting his hands on her shoulders he told her softly "I'm all yours, unless your leaving me to go to work or something?"

With a heavy sigh she pulled away from him and began softly "Chakotay-"

"Kathryn" he interrupted making her look at him "I get that this is difficult, and I know it's so soon after Jack, but you know me Kathryn, you know how much I want this, want us to work."

"Chakotay you know I have loved you from the moment you made me a bath tub" she told him with an honest smile "but this is all a bit sudden"

"Are you pulling out on me?" he asked as she rose from the seat to look at him.

"No" she told him seriously "no not that"

"But?" he asked softly looking into her eyes.

"Can we just take it steady?" she asked "maybe I should get to work this afternoon, start as we mean to go on."

"With you at work all the time?" he asked her stiffly "is that how we mean to go on?"

"Chakotay" she said warningly for she neither of them wanted this to end in an argument.

"Kathryn?"

"Don't ask me to choose between my career and you" she told him.

"Only a fool would do that, for they would never win, I know that much Kathryn." he reminded her "especially if the last nine years are anything to go by"

"Your angry" Kathryn told him simply turning her face away.

"Oh Kathryn" Chakotay sighed softly, her broken sadness getting to him "I'm not angry no"

"Then what?"

"Frustrated, a little." he told her truthfully looking longingly and lovingly into her eyes.

"I didn't mean to frustrate you"

"I know, I just wish I could have you all to myself, I don't want to share you with Starfleet"

"We are first and foremost Starfleet officers!" she reminded him stiffly taking the upright stance of the admiral she was. When Chakotay pulled away she almost begged him "oh please Chakotay try to see where I am coming from"

"I am" he told her firmly in reply "I always have" when he saw that his words only caused her sadness he drew her too him wrapped his arms around her saying "come here admiral"

"Don't you think, captain there is some protocol against this" she laughed into his chest as she allowed herself to wrap her own arms around him.

"Court martial me?" he joked kissing to top of her silky red hair.

"Don't push it" she joked swatting his arm.

"Well if you're going to do it you may as well go down with the lot" he laughed pulling away from her and then claiming her lips as his.

"Well" she said softly as the kiss broke and she could feel the taste of him still in her mouth.

"Well just well?" he asked slightly deflated.

"What were you hoping for?" she asked.

"I kiss you and all you can say is well?"

"It was nice" she told him with a smirk.

"Nice?" he demanded.

"A little touchy?" she teased.

"No" he insisted to which she burst out laughing and he demanded "so what's so funny?"

"You"

Scowling at her he went back to his PADD but as he turned his back on her he smiled before asking "well are you going to work?" then adding casually as he sat down "only if you're not you can sit down you know"

Slowly sinking into her chair she saw the smirk on his face and she reminded him in no uncertain terms "this doesn't mean you have won."

"Kathryn you know I wouldn't ask you to give up being an admiral for me, but I will ask you to give us a go as well." when she raised an eyebrow at him Chakotay added "seriously"

"Oh Chakotay just let us be" she whispered "let it be what it is, let it grow" then looking right at him she said "don't push me"

Surveying her for a while he could read her clearly "affairs of the heart get you running scared don't they?"

"No" she snapped trying to be strong.

"Kathryn?" I said almost warningly showing her he wasn't going to let her simply brush it aside a nothing or unimportant.

"Two failed engagements, the man I loved who I thought loved me left me for a younger, slimmer, busty blonde and my boyfriend tries to beat me up, it hasn't been an easy time for my heart"

"You're going to have to stop bringing up seven" he told her softly.

"You're going to have to start to realise it's part of our story now." she retorted back at him.

"I am glad she came to see you yesterday, I a glad it hasn't come between your friendship" he told her truthfully knowing what she had said was right.

"Unlike it has ours" Kathryn finished his sentence for him.

"That's not what I said." he told her.

"No maybe it isn't" Kathryn admitted looking deep into his loving eyes before she told him "she asked after you"

"She did?" came his surprised reply.

"Yes" she nodded "she was confused when I told her we hadn't spoken since the BBQ"

"Arr" he said in reply clearly knowing more than she.

"What?" Kathryn asked wanting to know.

"She left me because deep down she knew I would always love you."

"She still cares for you. In a strange way she still loves you." Kathryn told him "but I know she respects you."

"Do you think I should see her?" he asked feeling slightly guilty because of the whole situation.

"I wouldn't see her through guilt" Kathryn snapped at him with a twinkle in her eye letting him know she could read him.

"Perhaps not" he admitted sadly "so" he asked "when do you leave me to go on your big adventure with her?"

"I am not leaving you, it's a holiday" Kathryn smiled softly as she moved over to him and planted a kiss on his cheek saying "now captain I am going to work, please don't stop me this is something I have to do."

Chakotay thought for a moment before nodding and saying "very well admiral, will I see you for dinner?"


	25. Chapter 25

Kathryn Janeway sat in her office sifting her way through every kind of report that had ever graced her office but somehow today it felt rather too boring for her. Kathryn's mind was elsewhere and she found herself for the first time in her life actually weighing up the pros and cons of her staying in Starfleet. sipping the tenth mug of bitter coffee Kathryn sighed deeply as her aid Hannah Taylor interrupted her by saying "ma'am the doctor has arrived and requested to see you" as she came uninvited into her bosses office.

Kathryn nearly jumped as she looked up at her young aid "admiral will do" she reminded the younger woman forever hating being addressed as ma'am. Finishing the contents of the drink giving Kathryn time to consider what would be her next best move before saying "ensign please give me five minutes then send him in." looking at the mess that had become her office that afternoon.

"Is everything ok? You seem a little distant today and you arrived late"

"If anything I am more refreshed" Kathryn admitted honestly "five minutes" she smiled.

Hannah left the room but Kathryn could tell she hadn't believed her. Giving it little thought Kathryn moved on to the matter at hand, what exactly was she going to say to the doctor? Kathryn knew there was an obvious reason for his visit and she could kick herself for not seeing it coming.

"Admiral Janeway" came the smug voice of the doctor five minutes later.

"Doctor" Kathryn sighed turning to face him with a pleasant smile "how are you this afternoon?"

"Kick the pleasantries admiral care to share your side of the events last night?" Voyagers EMH asked in his smug 'I know best' tone.

"Not really" Kathryn replied fixing the hologram with a stare.

"Admiral may I remind you-"

"No you may not" Kathryn growled warningly cutting him off mid-sentence forcing him to become annoyed.

Annoyed and with his pride bashed just a little he scowled at her before reminding her that there was a man now lying in Starfleet medical, questions were going to be asked which caused Kathryn to soften just a little.

"I don't suppose you have examined yourself? Only the work of a dermal regenerator?" Voyager EMH pointed out which took Kathryn by surprise as there still wasn't any proof to him what had happened.

Surveying him for a while Kathryn took a sip of yet another mug of coffee before asking him in her deep rich voice "what did you do when seven of nine got together in a relationship with Chakotay?"

Confused what this had to do with the matter at hand the doctor stared at her for he knew what she was getting at "admiral if you are insinuating I was jealous I must Say I don't take kindly to such things."

Waving her hand dismissively Kathryn told him "doctor I am insinuating nothing, I will admit to you I was jealous, and seen as how you are here I had hoped for an honest discussion about the events leading up to what happened last night."

The doctor considered her words for a while trying best to see where she was coming from "it wasn't easy for you, seeing them so happy and you so alone" the doctor pointed out deciding to settle for the conversation.

"Was it easy for you to see seven happy in the arms of another man?" Kathryn asked deeply knowing voyagers EMH had some distant feelings the young Borg.

"Seven was never mine she made her choice." the doctor pointed out still not entirely sure how this conversation was linked with the events of the night before.

"As did Chakotay." Kathryn nodded softly.

"Is that why you were with Admiral Lang? Because Chakotay chose seven over you?" the doctor asked knowing what dangerous ground he was treading on.

"If you wish to put it that crudely I won't disagree." Kathryn admitted nodding for the doctor to join her in her seating section.

"I suspect admiral Lang didn't like that" Voyagers EMH told her.

"He was jealous and suspicious of my relationship with Chakotay" confirmed Kathryn with a nod.

"Who wouldn't be?" the doctor said in a hinted undertone.

"Excuse me" Kathryn growled with her full death glare on show.

"Admiral you cannot deny the captain and yourself have always had a somewhat special relationship."

"I respected and never interfered with his relationship with seven, the same could be said about him with regards to my relationship with Jack." Kathryn growled in a deep insistence, more in defence of Chakotay than herself.

"He was angry with Jack." the doctor informed her "Chakotay seemed concerned for your safety with Jack." then looking deeply at her the doctor said forcefully "perhaps he was right to be"

"Perhaps" admitted Kathryn which the doctor saw as a way in.

"A broken rib, are you aware of that?" he asked fixing her with a stare.

"You scanned me?" she hissed trying to keep her temper in check.

Knowing Kathryn too well the doctor knew not to hide anything from her. Taking a deep breath he said "Chakotay came to me and-"

"Chakotay?" she hissed shocked "you've seen Chakotay?"

"He's concerned" the doctor told her softly "as am I"

This flattened her anger a little as she asked "a broken rib?"

"On your right side," he nodded smugly as he asked "have you not been aware of some discomfort and pain?"

"Not as such" she told him wearily knowing he would know that would mean yes.

Watching her closely he told her "admiral you are going to need to let me scan you further"

"Here?" she asked feeling herself visibly stiffen at the prospect of Starfleet medical.

"Are you willing?" he asked eagerly getting out his medical tricorder.

"Do I have a choice?" she whispered softly knowing what the answer would be.

"I thought you would wish to avoid Starfleet medical" he told her slyly knowing full well he was playing to her weakness.

With that she stood allowing him to scan her with a nod "thank you doctor"

"A broken rib and a fine bit of dermal regeneration" he said with a smug smile as he ran the tricorder over him.

"That was Chakotay's work" she acknowledged the skill behind the dermal regeneration.

"The good news is there's no need for you to go into Starfleet medical, a bit of internal regeneration will do it" the doctor said laying down the scanning device and picking up the advanced regenerating device.

"Thanks doctor" Kathryn smiled raising her right arm allowing him to run the device over her.

"I think you should talk with a councillor" the doctor said softly into the silence as her ran the device over her rib cage. He wasn't entirely sure if her wincing was due to a pain or at his suggestion.

"About what?" she hissed through gritted teeth.

"Voyager, command, Jack Lang, Chakotay" the doctor listed off as he wound up his regenerating.

"Chakotay?" she asked unsure the implications behind that.

"There is hurt there, he knows that" the doctor nodded taking up his scanning device once more "maybe you need to talk with somebody else about all this"

"I am going on holiday to Jupiter station in two weeks. That should give me time to reassess a number of these things. Seeing Tom and B'Elanna will help." Kathryn muted knowing full well the doctor was right but trying to brush it aside as best she could.

"Mr Paris has matured of late" agreed the doctor softly.

"Its fatherhood" she told him with a smile as she sat back down on the sofa.

"Mirral is turning out to be as stubborn as her mother, I think Toms got his hands full" said the doctor remembering the last time he had seen the troublesome child.

Kathryn smiled as the doctor went to return his tricorder to his bag it emitted a loud alert beeping. As he looked at its readings his eyes bulged as he said ever so slowly "admiral?"

"Doctor?" she asked back in unsure concern.

"Your-" he began but stopped almost as though he had thought better of it.

"Doctor?" she pressed some more.

"See for yourself" he said with wide eyes as he handed her the tricorder. As she looked down her own eyes bulged as she read the reading. Her first thought was this has to be a mistake.


	26. Chapter 26

"Kathryn, most people actually eat their food." Chakotay said with a hint of a smile as he watched Kathryn swish the rice around the plate several times.

"Hum?" she mumbled absent minded and then realising what he said she added "oh Chakotay I'm sorry" almost in a tearful whisper.

"What happened at work today?" Chakotay asked softly hoping nothing had made germ reconsider her relationship with him.

"The doctor" she growled deeply raising her eyes to meet his.

"Oh" he sighed placing his own fork down realisation dawning on him.

"Chakotay if you were worried like that why didn't you talk to me?" she asked softly.

"I suppose I tried, I didn't want to push you away." he replied calmly and truthfully.

"So you set the doctor on me?"

"Your angry" he pointed out softly for she had sounded annoyed.

"Not angry no, do you see me as an angry person?" she ask sadly.

"Kathryn" he whispered reaching across the table to take her hand "I didn't set anybody on you" he told her reassuringly stroking her knuckles with his thumb.

"I had a broken rib" she informed him.

"I know" he told her.

"He told you?" Kathryn shrieked annoyed.

"No" Chakotay stated calmly.

"Then -" she began confused.

"I told him" he interrupted her.

"You?" she hissed realisation dawning "you scanned me?"

"I knew a dermal regenerator was not enough." he said with a nod "he knocked you pity bad"

Changing the subject again she swished the rice around with her fork once again saying "the foods nice"

"Your mother called" he told her in reply returning to his own plate of food.

"My mother?" she asked in shocked confusion "called here?"

"Yes, she's lovely, I recognised her from the welcome home ball and your promotion" he told her with a smile.

"I haven't seen her since before the enterprise-" she broke off with a heavy smile "well you know"

"I know" he nodded softly knowing the events of commander data's death were still raw and painful for her. "She asked for you to comm her back from home, she refuses to talk to an admiral."

This caused Kathryn to laugh. "She was married to one; she knows what it's like"

"She knows her daughter too." he pointed out.

"Hang on why would she comm here?" it suddenly dawned on Kathryn. "Nothing would make her think I an living here"

"She doesn't and I didn't tell her, she had been trying to track you down to no avail."

"Oh"

With raised eyebrows he told her "I think I was the last person she expected to know where you are!"

Cautiously Kathryn began to tell him "well she-"

"Thinks I'm marring seven" he finished fir her. He guessed Kathryn had told more to her mother about him but he wanted her to know it doesn't bother her.

"Yes" Kathryn agreed bluntly.

"She asked me how seven was." he nodded.

"Did you tell her?"

"I told her I thought she was well but that we were no longer together."

"Did you tell her about us?" Kathryn asked wide eyed.

"I told her nothing about you other than I had seen you this morning and that you are on your way to work."

With a nod of gratitude Kathryn gestured towards the sitting room where Chakotay's comm terminal was as she asked "may I?"

"Take as long as you need." he nodded rising from his seat. "If this is to be your home too we are going to have to get your things here."

"My home?" she asked almost shocked.

"As long as you want it to be." he said sting his hand on her lower back in support. Seeing the fear mount in her face he added "the spare room is yours as long as you want it to be. No pressure"

"You're a good man Chakotay" she whispered deeply pecking his cheek with a kiss.

"The food will keep, now go talk to your mother." he told her with a dimpled smile.

"Mum" Kathryn exclaimed as her mother answered the comm.

"Kathryn! Where have you been?" came her mums reply.

"Around, works been taking up so much of my time."

"Kathryn work took all your time for seven years in the delta quadrant, when do you get a personal life?"

"Mum I see all my Voyager friends all the time."

"None of them knew where you were."

"Chakotay did" Kathryn pointed out.

"Chakotay?" germ mother asked softly "he's not as heartless as you made out"

"Mum!" exclaimed Kathryn deeply regretting what she had said to her mother about the man she loved.

"You said he was heartless and didn't care for you"

"I was angry" Kathryn growled ashamed of her words.

"Why are you at his house if he hurt you?" her mother asked concerned seeing the distance in her daughter's behaviour "is you ok Kathryn?"

"I'm fine" the younger Janeway hissed.

"Where's that nice handsome man of yours, Jack?" the older lady asked growing suspicious of her daughter.

"Oh mum" Kathryn said in a broken voice as she let tears flow.


	27. Chapter 27

"Kathryn darling?" Gretchen Janeway asked her oldest daughter softly.

"It's turned out to be a bit of a mess" Kathryn informed her feeling the weight of all her guilt crashing down.

"Kathryn?"

"Are you free mum?" Kathryn asked with a deep breath admitting that she needed her mother.

"Kathryn why don't you come here?" Gretchen suggested out of deep concern.

"Can you come here?"

"Kathryn what's going on?" the older woman asked with so much concern.

"Please mum" Kathryn asked looking so broken and vulnerable it broke her mother's heart.

"I'll kill him!" the older woman growled closing the comm ready to transport to the house thinking Chakotay was the problem.

"Mum?" Kathryn asked the blank screen just before she heard her mother's angry voice and the front door. She had wasted no time at all.

"Where is she?!" Mrs Janeway yelled at Chakotay as he stepped aside respectfully to let her in.

"Mrs Janeway?" he asked cautiously but respectfully.

"I'll Mrs Janeway you!" she yelled back dangerously "where's my daughter?"

Chakotay barely had time to gesture towards the sitting room before Kathryn herself emerged wiping her eyes "mum?"

"Kathryn?" Chakotay asked ever so gently noticing she had been crying. As he made his way towards her Gretchen Janeway stepped towards her daughter in a protective manner blocking Chakotay off.

"You get away from her" the formidable older woman yelled furiously at him "she's coming with me"

"Mum!" Kathryn herself shrieked purely horrified at her mother's words.

"No Kathryn no arguing" her mother told her as though talking to a child.

"mum I'm not a little girl any more you can't tell me where to live" Kathryn growled looking from the worry and fury in her mother's blue eyes to the worry and confusion in Chakotay's deep brown eyes. This was not what she had hoped for when she asked her mother to come. She was making it worse not better.

"Kathryn I miss you and I won't lose you again" Gretchen Janeway said deeply.

"Kathryn maybe your mother is right, maybe you should go with her" Chakotay told her softly moving towards the woman he loved and resting a delicate copper hand on her shoulder and giving her a reassuring squeeze.

"No you just wait -" Gretchen snapped at him in angry defence but stopped mid-sentence to relax as she realised what he had said "thank you" she whispered sheepishly as she looked from her daughter to Chakotay and saw the way they looked at each other the way their eyes met.

"Chakotay what happened to as long as I want? No pressure?" Kathryn whispered at him wide eyed and frightened.

"My door is always open for you but your upset, maybe you should go with her." Chakotay told her reassuringly stroking her arm with husky hand and looking deep into her eyes.

"She's upset because of you!" Gretchen snapped.

"Mum!" hissed Kathryn horrified by her mother's words.

"Kathryn?" he asked letting go of her arm and fixing her with a confused stare.

"Mum that's not true, Chakotay is a good man"

"Not what you said -"

"I know what I said!" growled Kathryn at her mother who only made her blush and him smirk his dimpled smirk.

"Would you like to talk in the sitting room?" he asked the two women softly "I'll get out your way"

"Chakotay" Kathryn whispered taking his hand as he moved away "I didn't say-"

"It's ok Kathryn" he interrupted reassuring her "coffee?"

"Please" she smiled but just as Chakotay went to offer her mother a drink she quickly changed her mind "actually I think I'll have orange juice"

"Kathryn?" he asked confused, she never turned down a coffee, in all the time he knew her he had never seen her refuse coffee and by the look on the older woman's face nor had she.

"Orange juice Chakotay" stated Kathryn with her famous death glare

"Ok" he said knowing when he was beat.

"Mrs Janeway?" he asked the older woman politely.

Watching him closely she said with a soft smile "I'll have the same as my daughter thank you"

Chakotay smiled and left the two alone. Guiding her daughter into the sitting room Gretchen gave her a hug and asked "what's going on Kathryn"

"When we were on Voyager Chakotay and I had a special relationship." Kathryn told her mother just as her eyes fell on a picture frame she hadn't seen before.

"Special relationship?" Gretchen asked as she picked up the picture her daughter was now staring at. Other was a holo image of Chakotay smiling his dimpled smile leaning back on a boat in the sun with a glass of wine in one hand. His eyes were looking down at the woman freely lying across his lap looking up with her own content smile. It was then Gretchen Janeway saw the woman was her own daughter free and alive. Her long hair was down. One hand reached up resting gently on Chakotay's chest the other clasped over his spare hand that was gripped tightly over her right breast.

"We were in love" Kathryn told her mother softly as she took the image which caused her to laugh.

Gretchen looked down at the photo in her daughters hands and saw it for what it was; love but there was something that made no sense to her "I thought he and seven-"

"That was later" Kathryn interrupted "a long time later"

"Maybe you should start at the beginning" sighed Gretchen Janeway realising that maybe the delta quadrant was part of her daughter more than she thought and that she needed to listen to her.


	28. Chapter 28

Kathryn thought for a long silent moment as she gazed with watery eyes at ghetto photo in her hand "I fell in love with him fairly quickly" she informed her mother after a long wait.

"Who wouldn't, he is a handsome man" Gretchen smiled earning a death glare for her daughter. "Sorry go on" she coughed with a twinkle in her eye.

"He had a tangled past, his ex-lover was one of his crew, he was actually my prisoner. He was now acting as my first officer, serving under me and on top of all that I was still engaged to mark, hoping he would wait for me."

As Kathryn explained the difficulties of their early days together Gretchen realised what the real problem was, in that her daughter never changed. "So you felt guilty for loving Chakotay?"

"I knew it was wrong but the feelings were growing and raging in me" Kathryn admitted.

"It's not wrong to love somebody." Gretchen whispered softly to her daughter realising some things for the first time and breaking her own heart for the struggling her daughter felt in the delta quadrant.

"I knew he had feelings growing for me." Kathryn laughed as she looked at the photo full of memories of a quiet time stolen together "in those early days it was so rugged and raw." then in a much more serious voice she said "none of us knew if we were going to make it back I blamed myself."

"Kathryn" Gretchen Janeway tried to reassure her realising the pain her daughter carried.

"I knew I needed Chakotay" Kathryn told her bitterly.

"Needed him? In what way?" Gretchen asked sensing she wasn't talking of love.

"To integrate his crew into mine"

With her daughters words the cruel sorrow of what her daughter was saying hit "in other words you used him?"

"I certainly tried too" admitted Kathryn. A statement even Gretchen had been saddened to here. As Kathryn's own tears fell on the picture frame she told her mother "I remember in his anger he told me he would not be my token maquis officer"

Gretchen had just wrapped her arm around her daughter when there was gentle tap on the door and Chakotay entered with two fresh orange juices "excuse me ladies, two orange juices" he said placing them on the table respectfully ignoring the fact Kathryn was crying into his favourite photograph.

"Thank you Mr Chakotay" Gretchen said in a much softer tone than before.

"You're welcome" he beamed flashing his dimpled smile at them "Kathryn your dinner, do you want something to eat?"

"Perhaps a sandwich later?" she smiled back softly.

"Sure" he nodded in reply. Gretchen could see his concern and she saw the way he looked at Kathryn, there was no question he loved and respected her very much. "Mrs Janeway anything to eat?"

"No thank you" she replied, his question had caught her off guard.

"Call me if you need me" he said with a soft gentle stoke of Kathryn's arm before leaving them alone once more.

As Gretchen watched him go she asked "was he a good first officer?"

"Chakotay?" Kathryn asked surprised anyone would even need to ask "the best"

"I see the way he looks at you" Gretchen pointed out softly.

"Oh?"

"Such deep love and respect"

There was a long pause before Kathryn informed her "he told me once about a year into our journey"

"Told you?" Gretchen asked unsure what she meant.

"Declared his love for me"

"Oh?" gasped Gretchen. That she had never imagined.

"We were stranded on a planet together" Kathryn informed her matter of fact "just the two of us"

"Stranded?" Gretchen gasped in confusion drawing back to look her daughter in the eye.

"We got an illness and while we were in orbit of that planet we were ok, but when moving away it became fatal" Kathryn told her mother calmly.

"Are you ok now?" Gretchen asked stroking her daughters forehead horrified she never knew of such a thing.

"Yes" Kathryn consoled her softly before quickly adding "we both are Voyager found a cure and came back for us" Gretchen really was beginning to see just how close she came to really losing her daughter. For her it would have been hell if Voyager came home only to find Kathryn had been left on some planet with only the maquis captain for company. "Voyager didn't make it back to save us before Chakotay and I set up home on the planet we named new earth." Kathryn admitted with floods of tears for the past she had never spoken of, not even to Chakotay. "Oh mum we thought we were to spend the rest of our lives their together it was beautiful"

"I see" Gretchen said softly "so when he declared his love for you?"

"I was frightened at first, I wanted to run away but over time I let him in, I fell for him"

There was a long pause and Gretchen knew what wasn't said and so she said it for her daughter. "But then Voyager came back"

"And I threw protocol in his face" Kathryn spat broken and disgusted with herself.

"Oh Kathryn" Gretchen wept for her daughter now as she clasped her hand.

"I was a stars hip captain, he was my first officer" Kathryn stated all reasoning but it sounded even then so feeble.

"Did he respect your choice?" Gretchen wondered softly. Just how loving and respectful was this Chakotay when push actually came to shove so to speak.

"Yes" nodded Kathryn remembering the hurt and dejected look on his face as she pushed the blow at him all those years ago. "I told him mum _'Voyager will be here by morning. I suggest you get back in uniform commander. I will do the same._' _'Kathryn?'_ he had begged_. 'This has been an interesting away mission commander; I look forward to your report,'_ I told _him 'an away mission? Is that all this has been?'_ I was cruel with my sting _'it's been nice working with you these last weeks, now excuse me I must get back into uniform. See that you do the same commander.'_ I remember it so well." Kathryn told her mother of that awful day in their relationship.

"Did he do it?" Gretchen asked sadly as she felt Chakotay's pain and saw the pain in her daughter.

"he watched me walk away and he never stopped me with his tall frame stiff he nodded as I turned one last glance as I walked away from what was _'yes ma'am as you command captain.'_ was his reply it hurt him, it broke him but he let it be"

"It hurt you too" Gretchen whispered through her own tears.

"Yes" sighed Kathryn "I did what I was trained to do" as tears flowed "and I carried the guilt for it"

"He let you?" it was a question not a statement.

"No" she insisted "he loved me and he helped me carry the burden of command in the delta quadrant" Gretchen was beginning to see what a true man Chakotay was. "that man you yelled at back there is the only reason I am still here" Kathryn informed her "he protected me, followed me, honoured me and took the bashing for me for seven long years" somehow having met the man and seen that photo of them together Gretchen could believe it. He clearly loved her very much and had forgiven her a great deal "I did some damn distasteful things. In private we thought almost as much as we laughed but in public he was my ever faithful rock who would have jumped to his death on my command"

After a long wide eyed silence Gretchen whispered "I'm speechless"

"Can I tell you something mum? For seven long years only one person ever called me by my name."

"Oh Kathryn" cried Gretchen as she hugged her daughter. The seven years she had been gone Gretchen had wondered how painful the life her daughter lived was but when Voyager finally made it back Kathryn had seemed so happy nothing made Gretchen think it had been awful at all.

"Chakotay kept just that little hint of a woman left in me."

"But he and seven?" Gretchen asked confused "you said some awful things about him, I thought of him as a horrid man"

"I suppose I pushed him away too much" whispered Kathryn "he was always my first officer; I never let him in any more. I had even tried relationships with holograms to give him the message that I didn't need or want him anymore." she snorted ashamed "he listened and tried to move on"

"Tried to?"

"Even when he was with seven he was in love with me. It was for that reason she left him and out of integrity he didn't stop her."

Realisation hit Gretchen Janeway, her daughter had been in the wrong Chakotay had done what he wanted too "was he with seven before you arrived in the alpha quadrant?"

"Yes" she sighed bitterly "we got back and he was spoken for" Kathryn left much unspoken but her mother understood "I was bitter for my own choices and used him to be angry at. How could he not wait for me? He believe I no longer loved him, he couldn't understand why I his closest friend and companion couldn't be happy for him" pulling away and tossing the picture frame on the table she picked up her orange juice and told her mother bitterly "that's what drove us apart these last two years" "it was my doing not his"

"Oh Kathryn"

"I got with Jack out of bitterness of his relationship with seven"

"That's not a reason for you to be with him" Gretchen reminded her daughter.

"I'm not" was her bitter words.

"I see" Gretchen knew not to press.

"As of yesterday" nodded Kathryn taking a deep breath "he beat me mum"

"What?!" shrieked her mother.

"He hit me for coming home late" but Gretchen knew not what to say causing Kathryn to become worried. "Say something"

"Where did you go?"

"When I left jacks I came here to Chakotay"

"You feel safe here?" Gretchen asked knowing the answer.

"With Chakotay? I've never felt more safe." whispered Kathryn.

"It seems to me I have the wrong man to be annoyed with" whispered Gretchen seeing the truth for what it was as she stroked her daughter's long hair lovingly.

"Mum I'm pregnant" mumbled Kathryn.

Gretchen looked at her daughter with a beaming smile until she saw sadness there and she realised she had to ask "Chakotay?"

"He an I never" Kathryn shook her head tears streaming down her face.

"Oh Kathryn" Gretchen smiled "so that's the mess? Your finally beginning a relationship with the man you love and your pregnant with another man's child." taking her hand softly she told her "if Chakotay is half the man you say he is he won't reject you because of this and he'll be a much better father to your baby"

"So much has gone before Chakotay and I"

"Do you love him?" Gretchen asked taking her daughters face abduction making her look at him.

"Yes" insisted Kathryn.

"And if he loves you half as much as you make out he does I don't see the problem." Gretchen told her reaching across and picking up the picture, glancing at it with a happy smile and putting back where it belonged.

"Will you talk to him?" Kathryn asked in all seriousness.


	29. Chapter 29

"Chakotay?" Kathryn whispered softly as she came to the back step where Chakotay was sat alone drawing.

"Kathryn?" he gasped raising from where he was sat and looking her over with deep concern.

Kathryn who had clearly been crying rested her hand on his shoulder and asked with a wiry fable smile "did you say I could have a sandwich?"

"Yes I'll make it" he said lovingly standing up and turning towards the door to enter the house.

"I think I can manage a sandwich by myself." she smiled to which he was about to protest.

"Mr Chakotay care to show me your garden?" Gretchen Janeway asked as she came onto the step behind the two.

"Now?" Chakotay asked looking to Kathryn the concern still evident on his face.

"If you don't mind" the older Janeway nodded forcefully joining him on the step.

"Please Chakotay" Kathryn whispered with a nod taking his hand and giving it a soft squeeze. "I'm fine really." she reassured him before entering the house leaving her mother and boyfriend alone together.

Chakotay watched her walk away his concern still evident there. "Is there another name?" Gretchen Janeway pulled him back to the present as she took his elbow and guided him down the steps away from the house.

"Sorry?" he asked having not really taken in what she had said.

"Don't look so worried." Gretchen laughed in a childlike way reminding him so much of her daughter "Is Chakotay your only name?"

"Oh yes, just Chakotay" he smiled softly as he watched the older woman wondering down his path.

"It's very nice"

"Thank you," he said relaxing a little, he figured this was to give Kathryn time alone he knew how much she needed that "it means contrary wonderer"

"Is that what you are?" Gretchen Janeway turned and fixed her deep blue eyes at him in a stare.

"It's what I was" he admitted "I could never find my way"

With a familiar crooked smile and a twinkle in her eye Gretchen asked "so that's how you ended up captain of the maquis ship stuck in the delta quadrant?"

After considering the woman for a long time he told her calmly "I didn't agree with Starfleet in some of their choices"

She considered his answer for a long time weighing him up before her turned from him and asked "did the maquis give you power?"

"Mrs Janeway I never wanted power and I never took power" he stated firmly abduction coolly.

Husband abruptness surprised her. Raising a left eyebrow she turned to him and asked firmly "you were happy for my daughter to be captain of your ship?"

He met her gaze with his own wavering gaze as he told her "Kathryn was never captain of my ship, she had her own ship and crew for that matter, far more formidable than mine to be captain of" then with a reassuring smile she added "and a fine job she did for seven years, it's getting her to believe it that was the problem"

Gretchen liked him very much, most of all his honesty and respect "may I ask you sir, you refused to be her token maquis officer?"

Looking stiffly at the older woman it was his turn to size her up as he asked "did she tell you that?"

"Yes" Gretchen replied meeting's his gaze.

"Did she tell you why I said that?"

"Not in so many words"

Turning from Gretchen Chakotay continued his walk down the path, he back to Gretchen his arms clasped behind his back "while I did not agree with the choices she made there and yes I let her know, the choice remained forever hers" he pointed out barely turning to look at the woman "I had been on board Voyager a matter of days. She was something else to me"

"Something else?" Gretchen questioned.

"Mrs Janeway the past is likely best kept there. If Kathryn told you I once uttered those words it is likely there was a reason for telling you. I was using her she was using me, it was strategy and logic nothing more in those early days." he informed her unashamed.

"She carries great guilt" Gretchen sighed hoping he would enlighten her further.

"I know" was all he said sadly looking up at the sky "I have tried to lighten her load but what can a lowly commander do in the sight of his captain?" with that he turned to her, his bitterness and pain evident there.

"That was always Kathryn" whispered Gretchen "I see you care for her very much"

"She was a conquest nothing more, nothing less" he replied as he walked away from her "no woman ever was"

"Did you conquer my daughter?" Gretchen asked softly her eyebrow rose.

"No" he whispered deeply "she conquered my heart"

The silence lingered as Gretchen and Chakotay continued to walk side by side. After what felt like eternity Gretchen spoke up "you don't like the past do you?"

"I made some terrible choices" he admitted saying his own pain far greater than his choices over Kathryn herself.

"What changed you?" Gretchen asked seeing the real honesty in his words.

"Mrs Janeway?" he questioned not too sure what he referred too.

"Something changed you"

"Kathryn" he told her with a smile "in her beauty she loved with a real alive passion"

"She loved you?"

"No not so much at first, she used me." Chakotay pointed out "everybody could see that. I let her, that's not to say it didn't hurt." he told the older woman "I wouldn't put words in Kathryn's mouth. She's never said she loves me"

Gretchen looked at him for a long moment and placing her hand on his chest much as Kathryn does she told him "don't worry all will work out in the end, you are a good man. I was wrong to be annoyed with you."

"Mrs Janeway -"

"Gretchen" she interrupted him "call me Gretchen"

"Gretchen" he said awkwardly "I see you care for your daughter very much, she was angry with me for my relationship with seven. Whatever she said about me was probably justified"

"That captain I doubt" Gretchen told him with a twinkle in her eye. "There is however something you need to know." she told him in a more serious tone.

From the window Kathryn watched her mother place her hand on Chakotay's chest. She could see them taking. Her mother was saying something very serious. Chakotay looked angry as he ran his copper hand through his black hair. Her mother was still talking which caused Chakotay to stand very tall and stiff. It worried Kathryn. Chakotay said one word, Kathryn couldn't hear what it was but she wished she had as she saw him set on making his way stiffly towards the house with large strides his face set his brow drawn. He looked the figure of anger as he made his way to the house with Gretchen Janeway trailing quickly behind.


	30. Chapter 30

"Chakotay please" Kathryn begged as she backed away from his angry looking frame that had just walked into the kitchen stiffly.

"Pregnant?" he growled in response.

"I would have told you" Kathryn found herself gasping though deep down she knew she wouldn't have.

Chakotay turned from her feeling a fury of emotions and not sure which ones he really wanted to feel. "but you were worried I would ask you to choose between me and your baby?" he whispered fighting back tears as he turned from her still holding himself tall and ridged. Had they really come this far for nothing?

"I wouldn't put it like that" she whispered moving closer to him. Gretchen Janeway had also entered the kitchen but was staying back; this was something Kathryn had to do for herself.

"But effectively yes?" he questioned without looking at her. When the silence lingered for some time he looked at her and grabbed her wrist, gently but it drew her closer to him and made her look directly in his eyes "Kathryn?"

"Yes" she whispered ever so softly turning her eyes from him.

The silence that followed was almost unbearable for both of them. Gretchen held her breath as this man whom Kathryn calmed as loving was still holding her daughter by the wrist and looking at her like he was furious. Discarding her wrist like he couldn't bear to be near her he spat "damn it is that what you really think of me?"

"Chakotay?" Kathryn questioned sadly.

"It's beautiful" he whispered moving towards her. Wrapping one hand around her waist and placing the other gently on her flat stomach he drew her to him and kissed the top of her auburn hair.

"It is?" she whispered softly tears streaming down her cheeks as she gazed up at him.

"Life growing inside you, of course." he nodded with a half dimpled smile as he looked down at her.

"But Jack-" she began.

"Is the father I know" he finished as he wiped the tears from her face with his thumb.

"You're not angry?" he whispered her bright blue eyes gazing up at him.

"A little hurt you couldn't tell me, hurt that's what you thought of me but not angry no" he admitted softly stroking her stomach softly with his hand "and certainly not angry you're pregnant."

"Can this really work?" she smiled as she looked of his copper brown hand resting on her still flat stomach.

"I don't see why not" he smiled. Then more seriously he pulled away and told her "you know me, you know my culture and my opinion on such matters" when confusion drew across her face her reminded her "you know I believe Jack has the right to know, and the right to be involved if he wishes but that does not mean I don't want to be interested."

"Chakotay?" she whispered fear evident in her eyes.

"Is ok Kathryn I won't let him hurt you or the baby" he told her with deep reassurance.

"I remember when seska was pregnant" Kathryn whispered remembering that awful time in their relationship about a year into their journey.

"I have never forgotten it" he growled still angry and ashamed of the whole matter.

"When she came on the screen and told you it was your son my heart ripped in two. Even at that point I wanted your children to be mine." Kathryn admitted something she never had before.

"Seska? Who's seska? Chakotay do you have a son?" Gretchen spoke up for the first time.

"No" Chakotay growled in a simple response to the older woman's question.

"Mum please" hissed Kathryn knowing the hurt that question would bring Chakotay.

"Kathryn you went with me and you took Voyager with you, you risked it all for a crying baby that had a chance of being mine, an even bigger chance of being a trap." Chakotay whispered in respect. "I would do the same for you now."

"Do you wish it was your son?" Kathryn asked calmly.

"What? Seska's baby then or this baby you carry now?" he questioned.

Kathryn had been talking about seska's baby but tilting her head the way she does she asked "both"

After a long silence Chakotay told her "this baby is beautiful in its own right. I still hope one day to have children of my own and there is no other woman I would wish to have them with." then with a distant look in his eyes he shook his head and told her "I wasn't ready for fatherhood then, I was still very much the maquis captain after my next conquest, you." it took a lot for him to admit that to her "I certainly didn't want a baby with my ex-lover who betrayed me so publicly and had insulted you so freely."

Placing her hand gently on his chest Kathryn told him "her words of insult hurt me far less than the pain I felt when I saw the pain her betrayal brought you." then looking away she added "it also hurt she had betrayed us all but you refused to see that." Chakotay looked into her eyes for he knew what was to come next "your betrayal of me hurt so much more than anything the delta quadrant threw at me."

"I know" he nodded sadly as their eyes met.

"I see there is a lot of past behind the two of you." Gretchen spoke seeing the pain in both their eyes.

"Yes" nodded Chakotay drawing Kathryn to him knowing the guilt she was feeling now "but that's just where it is, behind and in the past."

"You're a good man Chakotay" Kathryn whispered into husband chest

"I learnt from the best" he smiled stroking her back.

"My mother likes you too." Kathryn joked with a giggle.

"That's good to know." he smiled at Gretchen who winked at him.

"So is one of you going to tell me about the time you went sailing sipping wine?" Gretchen asked referring to the photo she had seen earlier.


	31. Chapter 31

"Come on Kathryn" an exasperated Chakotay sighed as he watched her wonder past where he sat in the kitchen several times. Clearly not in any hurry to be going anywhere.

"five minutes" she absent minded waved in his direction with her right hand her left hand grasped around a mug of hot water, which she was not actually drinking she just liked the feel of it and since her pregnancy meant she couldn't have coffee she had taken to carrying a mug of hot water around everywhere she went.

"Kathryn your mother will kill me" he pointed out not really believing it will make any difference, which of course it didn't.

"I can be responsible for getting to my own appointments on time." she pointed out as she threw the mug in the recycling, liquid and all.

With a smirk Chakotay rose calmly from his seat as he calmly and softly reminded her "you're already late"

"What?" came her unbelieving snapped remark.

"Your appointment was thirty minutes ago" he stated coolly picking up his coat.

"What?" she snapped once more.

"You were in the bath too long" he said just a little too calmly as he put his coat on and moved towards the door.

"Chakotay" she called after him "you can never be in the bath too long" when he didn't reply she told him smugly "and anyway you should have reminded me"

"What happened to you being responsible?" came his quick remark back.

Choosing to ignore him she grabbed her own coat and made it out the door saying "the doctor will wait"

Following her Chakotay reminded her "Kathryn this isn't Voyager he's not just sat around waiting for the next disaster to give him something to do, he's very busy, it's not fair to treat him that way."

"why didn't you reminded me?" she scowled once more as they walked down the path that early march day as they made their way to the local transport station as only emergency transport could be made from private residences to Starfleet medical.

"Kathryn I have been reminding you for the past fifty minutes. You may as well have told me to shut up" he laughed as he stopped walking to look at her.

"Well come on then" she smiled back as she over took him walking.

Entering the transport station she took his hand and whispered softly. "Thank you for coming with me.

"Anytime you want me I am here" he whispered giving her hand a gentle reassuring squeeze.

"I'll actually miss you when I go" she told him.

"Jupiter station isn't too far away we can still comm every day."

"I can't believe it's tomorrow I go. This last two weeks have gone so fast." she gave a heavy sigh.

"It's taken some adjusting for all of us." he told her softly for when the arrangements were made for her to go they had not known they were pregnant.

"I have to go into work for a few hours later Chakotay, there's a few things I need to straighten out before I go." she told him as they walked up the steps into Starfleet medical.

"That's ok" he told her taking his protective stance just behind her on the right much like he did object Voyager. Placing her hand on the small oh her back he whispered into her ear. "Will I see you at all this evening?"

"Of course but-" she said casually before she stopped abruptly to spin round to look at him.

"But?" he questioned softly knowing Kathryn had suddenly realised something.

"I need to see seven about the transport arrangements." she told him calmly.

"Ok" came is stiff reply.

Shifting a little she asked "could I bring her to the house?"

Chakotay was in love with her fiery blue eyes as she gazed up at him with hopefulness and longing "how does she feel about that?" he asked out of genuine concern for seven.

"I haven't asked her yet" she snapped feeling uncomfortable as she pulled away "I wanted to know how you felt first"

"Whatever you want" came his remark which Kathryn felt was too off handed.

"Chakotay?"

"Kathryn" came husky rather stiff and control reply as he held himself high with tightly shut lips.

"You're angry"

"I'm not"

"Then say something"

"Seven is your friend right?" he asked placing his hand once more on the small of her back and guiding her towards the doctor's office.

"Yes" she agreed slowly.

"So I see no reason why can't you invite her round?" he told her feeling sad to be having this conversation "Kathryn you act like it's not your house too."

"I was trying to take your feelings into account" she hissed "stop throwing it back at me."

"Well I don't mind, your welcome to bring your friends to the house" he told her in a 'debate over' tone "now come on before the doctor kills us"

"He can't he's vowed to do no harm" she joked which caused him to laugh.

The closeness to Chakotay reminded Kathryn all too well that Chakotay wasn't the father "you still think I should tell Jack?"

"Yes I do" he told her directly with no backing down.

"You haven't made me" she pointed out as they took a seat in the doctor's private reception waiting area.

"Ultimately it's up to you." he told her as he sat next to her gasping her hand comfortingly

"What if he wants to be involved?" came her anxious terrified look.

"If he wants to be involved I think we should let him" Chakotay told her looking her straight in the eyes and giving her courage.

She looked so dead pan and stern as she gazed at him as she asked "we?"

"You" he sheepishly corrected himself but still holding her hand offering security and courage.

"No Chakotay I like the sound of we" she whispered placing her other hand on his chest with a soft crooked smile.

Chakotay opened his mouth to reply when the doctors self-righteous voice was heard "thank you admiral for finally showing up"

"Doctor please I have a busy schedule" Kathryn informed him in her best command tone as she stood to her full height which, Chakotay had to smile, really wasn't very tall but she still managed to tower over the doctor.

"And I don't?" the doctor retort came in smug sarcasm "I see somethings never change"

"Yes so do me" she snapped.

"People please" growled Chakotay as he stood looking from one of his grown adult friends to the other.

"Captain? I didn't expect to see you here." the doctor told him almost in surprise he would be there.

"No" he said with a dimpled smile "I'm with the admiral"

"Oh" the doctor Saudi sceptically as he looked from Chakotay to Kathryn and back again. "Yes of course" then after a long pause he smiled and said to Kathryn "well the sooner we start the sooner you can get on your holiday."

"Thank you, my thoughts exactly" she said in her usual husky voice as she stood from her chair and made to enter the doctor's office.

"And the sooner I can get on with my work." the doctor mumbled after her.

Kathryn spun round to protest to what he said but Chakotay stepped in gently saying "doctor was that necessary?" which defused Kathryn enough to let it go with a glare.

"Take a seat please admiral" the doctor tried to smile as he gestured for her to sit before him. Politely adding "captain" with a nod for Chakotay to sit on the other chair. Chakotay had to smile for he knew Kathryn and the doctor got on really rather well and held a deep mutual respect for each other. They both had found it difficult to adjust to their new roles and relationships in the alpha quadrant and it was through their deep friendship they interacted with each other this way.

"Now this is quite unusual for us to have anybody but the parents present at this kind of consultation." Voyager's holographic doctor informed them giving Chakotay a beady eyed glance.

"Doctor is it really necessary for me to explain to you the nature of my relationship with captain Chakotay?" she snapped at him.

To which he did quickly realise what she was getting at as g added "very well" who was he to say Chakotay couldn't be at the admirals side while she was in his medical care. He could never stop it on Voyager why should he now? "Is the father aware of your pregnancy?" he decided to ask.

"No" came her stiff reply only annoying the doctor.

"Are you planning on making him aware?" he fished for more information.

"No"

"Starfleet medical can assist you with telling him." the doctor offered with genuine intention.

"Right now doctor I just want you to assist me by scanning the baby and telling me how my baby is giving me the all clear to travel in the morning." Then with a genuine heavy burden sigh she told the two gentlemen "we can face the rest another day."


	32. Chapter 32

Kathryn walked slowly beside her stoic silent partner. His face giving nothing away. As they walked he felt calm and at ease but all the while he knew she did not and he knew sooner or later she was going to say something. "You were quite" she finally spoke leaving him to break into a smile.

After a moment he looked at her and told her softly "there's not many words to say"

"I'm sorry" she whispered in reply. She couldn't help wondering if this whole thing with Chakotay was really a good idea. She clearly wasn't going to go back to Jack Lang but she could manage on her own, single mothers had been around for centuries hadn't they?

"Don't be" Chakotay told her taking her hand as they walked. "Honest Kathryn it was beautiful to see your baby like that"

"My baby" she whispered sadly as she stopped talking to look up at him "it's not your baby." her words were sad not accusing.

"No" she admitted feeling his own sadness "but it's yours, a life you helped to form." then placing his hand gently on her stomach he whispered into her eyes "a miracle that's part of you."

"Do you wish it was your baby?" she asked taking his hand on her stomach in hers as she gazed up at him.

"Yes" he admitted without question "but it doesn't change anything for me."

Kathryn thought for a long time before she smiled her crooked smile and told him "you're a good man"

He flashed his dimpled smile at her as he turned to walk away "come on, I'll walk you to Starfleet headquarters." he told her with a little chuckle.

"I am sorry I have to work and see seven on our last night together." she told him as they walked along San Francisco bay together.

"Firstly and foremost Kathryn it is not our last night together, you'll be back." he reminded her. "Secondly its ok I more than understand, we can have a little while together before you go."

"Ok well you better wait up for me then."

"You can count on it" he told her turning to her and taking her face in his hands. As she gazed up at him he couldn't help but be in awe by her beauty and the radiance of her face.

Turning from her he took her hand and continued to stroll along with her. The two felt all too content in each other's company as they walked. The air was brisk with a March evening chill.

"Well thanks for walking me" she said finally as they arrived at Starfleet's headquarters.

With a quick glance she looked at him before turning and walking up the steps. "See you later" he called out after her but she did not turn to him.


	33. Chapter 33

Chakotay heard voices walk up his front path. Upon hearing Kathryn's deep laugh he smiled, he knew the time had come. Standing to retire to his room he saw her stood in his doorway. Chakotay could not deny she looked much freer than he had ever known her. She wore more natural clothes than the cat suite he had come to see as normal on her. Her rich blonde hair was loose and hung in beautiful ringlets around her shoulders. Even her silver eyebrow looked less tense than he ever knew it to be. Her deep blue eyes seemed to sparkle more radiantly as her eyes met his. He was stunned into silence.

Kathryn followed seven into the house but as she did her heart clamped up. there stood Chakotay board shouldered, muscular, deeply tanned skin, deep jet black hair, his tattoo seemed deeper lined in the dim light. His dark brown eyes stood gazing deeply with awe, and maybe love Kathryn wondered, in to sevens beauty. They had been drawn together on Voyager, why not now?

The silence was broken by seven "good evening captain Chakotay"

"Evening" Chakotay whispered as though jumping from a trance "good evening seven"

Seven looked at him for a long while before her eyes fell on the tribal carving in his hand which he had been doing. "I will not intrude on your time for too long." she told him.

"stay as long as you like" he told her with a deeply rich smile before his eyes landed on the shorter, older woman behind "as long as Kathryn and you need" as he saw the two woman stood silently looking at him he knew which was the far more beautiful. Which to him he knew he would freely give all he had to be with. "Excuse me" he whispered softly as he made his way past them. As he silently walked past Kathryn she looked at him with horror drawn across her face. Placing a silent reassuring hand on her solder he walked away from Kathryn without a word.

It was over an hour later as Chakotay sat in the cold of the night in his garden he heard the door open and somebody walk towards him. He knew the sound of her foot falls he knew who was approaching. "Seven" he said without turning to face the intruder into his solitude.

"Chakotay" came her reply just as stoic as his.

"How are you? "He asked trying to sound casual.

"Well" she informed him "thank you"

"I am glad" he told her still not looking at her.

"Indeed" she replied but still he made no effort to engage in conversation with her. Taking a deep breath she tried first. "I am pleased to see yourself and the admiral in a romantic relationship."

"It's early days yet" he told her finally looking at her. The night air brought out the rose tints in her cheeks as she gazed at him in the moon light. Seven could see the trouble etched into his solitude face.

"I hold no hard feelings towards either of you for what transpired to end our engagement" he voice was a lot kinder and softer than he remembered it ever being. There were actually emotions there.

"I'm glad" he told her finally after a long silence of staring at her. She seemed so very different.

Standing from his seat he walked slowly towards the brook at the end of the lawn. "My time with you thought me much" she told him gently as she stood behind him but not too close.

"I see" came his whispered reply as he looked deep into her eyes

"Admiral Janeway has agreed to help me with omega" she informed him.

"Omega? He asked confusion evident.

"The omega particles we encountered while in the delta quadrant."

"Yes I realised what omega is but what has she agreed and why?"

"She has agreed to help me in my search for a deeper spiritual life" whatever Chakotay expected her to say, that was not it.

"Spiritual life?" he asked not even trying to hide the shear shock as he looked at her.

"Omega" she nodded so confidently.

"You think Kathryn is the one to teach you of a deeper spiritual life?"

"You thought me much in this area." seven informed him seriously.

"I did?" he gasped in genuine surprise.

"Indeed your own beliefs caused me to search deeper in this area."

Chakotay looked at her for a long moment before he said "belief in anything has to come from within, Kathryn believes so firmly in science and the Borg so firmly in perfection."

"I saw omega stabilize, I saw ultimate perfection." seven whispered with such human passion.

"Is that belief?"

"Captain?"

"I believe this stone will sink" Chakotay told her as firmly as he picked up a nearby stone and looked at the brook before him. "Is that because I have seen it or because I have faith?" when seven didn't reply he threw the stone into the water as they both stood and watched it sink.

"Omega is different" seven told him stiffly.

"How?" he challenged "explain omega to me from your point of view."

What neither saw was Kathryn Janeway looking out of the back window into the night where she saw Chakotay stood closely with his ex-fiancé in a secluded part of the garden in the night. This was enough to worry Kathryn as she watched one hand resting on her stomach, the other wiping away a falling tear from her cheek.


	34. Chapter 34

"I'll do that" Chakotay offered as he walked into the kitchen and tried to take the knife from Kathryn who was aggressively chopping up mushrooms.

"You are too busy entertaining your guest" she spat without even looking at him as she almost shoved him away.

"Your guest" he reminded her calmly. When she made no effort to respond only looking more annoyed he placed a hand on her shoulder and whispered softly "Kathryn?"

"What?" she hissed aggressively brushing his and away.

"Is there a problem?" came his cool and calm response.

"No!" she snapped back in much contrast to the way he talked to her.

"Seven has just gone" he informed her steadily as he watched her with a hint of worry.

"I know"

Standing and watching her furiously attack the mushrooms as she chopped them he knew her so well, he knew with her like this right then he was fighting a losing battle, but give her time "ok Kathryn I'm going, when you're ready to talk to me call me." his words were calm, gentle and loving but something triggered in Kathryn and all her guards went up. She completely ignored him. "Kathryn?" he found himself asking as he stood by the door facing her as she stood with her back to him.

"Go then" she muttered tilting her head ever so slightly in him general direction.

Sadly he walked away.

_CHAKOTAYS POV _

_I knew she was hurt, I could see it in her eyes and I cared but her walls were up, her angry admiral's mask. She wouldn't let me in. Kathryn Janeway is very vulnerable and very broken though she rarely lets it show. She means well and has a heart of gold. Sometimes I find myself fighting with her, trying to make her see things in another way but she doesn't always want to let me show her the world she is missing. _

Sometime later when even Chakotay had started to wonder should he give up hope he heard the sitting room door open but still he refused to look up for he didn't want to seem too eager. After a long while of silence she broke it "Chakotay?"

"Kathryn?" came his calm reply looking up at her and acting as though nothing had happened.

"I cooked" she informed him stiffly.

"Smells lovely" he smiled calmly at her placing his reading PADD down "what is it?"

"Mushroom soup, with real mushrooms" came her straight and stiff reply.

"Sounds amazing" came his dimpled smile. Standing he walked calmly past her without a word and into the dining room "looks amazing, thank you" he told her softly drawing her into a tight embrace and planting a kiss on her head as he glanced at the candle lit dining table for two.

"Are we going to be ok?" she asked softly taking her seat as he sat opposite her.

"We? Ok? You can count on it" he told her raising his empty glass as she poured red wine into it "now are you going to tell me what upset you?"

"Nothing upset me" came her usual stiff reply as she angrily took her seat again.

"Ok" he said closing his eyes as though in prayer. Kathryn had never understood or known all the practice and beliefs which Chakotay held dear but she had always respected them.

Waiting until he finished his prayer and began to taste to soup she asked "do you miss her?"

"Who?" Chakotay asked with the spoon half raised to his lips "seven?"

"Hmmm" she nodded taking a spoonful of her own soup but not taking her eyes off him.

"No" he told her truthfully as he took his spoonful of soup "at least not in the way you are thinking."

"She's very beautiful" Kathryn pointed out stiffly.

"yes" nodded Chakotay truthfully not saying what he knew she wanted to hear "and more so now she is freer with her hair and clothing" Chakotay was not trying to hurt her merely be truthful and help her see that her anger will not always get her what she wanted.

"Hmmm"

"ok what is your problem?" he asked ever so calmly without raising a voice as he placed his spoon back into the soup, clasped his hands together and looked right at her.

"Do you not like the soup?" she asked almost pretending she hadn't heard his question.

"The soup is not the problem; it's the company I'm keeping"

"Well go eat the soup with seven" she snapped angrily at him.

"Jealous" came his calm response.

"Excuse me?" she almost shrieked at him.

"Seems to me your jealous" he informed her ever so slightly raising his voice in the hope of steering the truth from her.

"and you sitting there all calm is damn annoying" she hissed as she stood moving away from him for deep down she knew he was right. To which Chakotay found himself chuckling gently. "It's not funny" she growled snapping her head back at him and issuing her best death glare.

"no" she smiled trying hard to stifle back the laughter as he stood to meet her "Kathryn this is an argument of your own making" he told her softly as he clasped his copper hands around her elbows and made her look at him.

"You want her don't you?" Kathryn asked his sharply as he looked down at her "you wish you were with her don't you?" it was an accusation directed at him not a question.

"No" he told her firmly without hesitation "though I can't reason with somebody so jealous that you have convinced yourself of what is not true"

"You admit she is beautiful" scowled Kathryn who at that point couldn't see past her predefined idea.

Chakotay considered her for a long moment but decided upon collecting himself. he needed to be honest and open with her taking a deep breath and looking what he hoped to be lovingly into her eyes he told her truthfully "yes, Kathryn any fool can see that, she's intelligent too" as he said this Kathryn stiffened "but it doesn't mean I wish to be with her."

"Are you forgetting you were engaged to her?"

"no" he whispered drawing her into his arms "but she made her choice" he smiled as he brushed some stray strands of hair from her face "and I made mine" his words were soft and loving and even Kathryn felt her chest beating "I am more than pleased with the girlfriend I have thank you very much" he laughed as he looked down at her rich longing blue eyes "she is just as equal in beauty and intelligence, if not more so"

"Girlfriend?" Kathryn found herself whispering up at him, she liked the way it sounded, she as Chakotay's girlfriend.

"Yes" he laughed kissing her forehead, giving her shoulder a loving squeeze and taking his seat again to continue eating the soup "she has actually surprised me with her cooking, mushroom soup"

"You like it?" she asked with a sight smirk as she re-joined him at the table and began to eat her own soup.

He looked at her with his knowing twinkle in his eye and his dimpled smile as he took another spoonful and told her "humm even with a hint of replicator residue"

"There's no such thing!" she laughed at him.

"No?" he asked pretending to be shocked.

She sized him up before she laughed herself admitting "ok so what I cooked ended up a little charred"

"This is lovely." he told her.

A peaceful and natural silence filled the room as they enjoyed the soup letting time run its natural course as they sat together. Kathryn found relief from her shame and guilt in those moments and Chakotay felt an eager longing for all the opportunity and chance he knew was to come in their relationship. In that moment each found in their own way a hint of hope.


	35. Chapter 35

"Mirral get back here this instant!" Kathryn had to laugh as she heard her dear friend call out in exasperation as the public transport doors opened and weary travellers stood to disembark "let the people pass"

"I want to see her" Kathryn heard the young girl squeal as she pushed past people.

"Ugh sorry" groaned B'Elanna to a rather flustered and angry looking admiral who Mirral had just pushed her way past "she takes after her father."

"B'Elanna!" laughed Kathryn as she stepped down from the transport ship to embrace her old friend.

"Kathryn!" laughed B'Elanna as the two women embraced having not seen each other in many months.

"Hello Mirral" Kathryn smiled as he ruffled the young girls hair.

"Are you an admiral?" Mirral asked looking up at Kathryn who was darned in all her admiral uniform.

"yes, I am also a very good friend of your mum and dad" Kathryn smiled and then looked up at B'Elanna realising just how long it had been since she had seen them "she's grown much in the last few months" in some ways it broke Kathryn's heart to know her job and her personal life had drawn her apart from those that really mattered.

"Yes; too much" groaned B'Elanna as she looked down at her little girl, no longer was she the toddler that had been at Chakotay's promotion.

"How are you?" Kathryn asked as she looked deep into her friend's eyes.

"Good" the half Klingon engineer told her as she avoided the stare of her commanding officer by paying attention to the tall blonde woman who had stepped down from the transport ship behind Kathryn. "Seven" B'Elanna greeted with an embrace much to the shock of Kathryn to see these once enemies embrace as friends.

"It's her it's the drone!" screamed the child clearly excited at finally getting to see who she had always wanted to see.

"Mirral!" hissed B'Elanna who was really beginning to feel annoyed with her wayward daughter.

"Welcome to Jupiter station" Mirral beamed up a glorious smile at the slender figure of the ex-Borg drone.

"Indeed" nodded seven in her usual stiff manner "I must report for duty perhaps I will see you all later"

"Yea" B'Elanna had barely said before Seven was gone heading towards security clearance.

"What?" B'Elanna snapped at Kathryn who was stood watching her closely.

"Nothing" smiled Kathryn "it is so good to see you again"

"You too" admitted B'Elanna.

"So how is life for you all on Jupiter station?" Kathryn asked wanting to catch up with her friend.

"It's good, I mean it's a job but it's so much more than that" B'Elanna told her knowing Kathryn of all people would understand.

"Just another adventure?" Kathryn laughed as she imagined tom and B'Elanna acting out a captain proton adventure.

"For tom yes"

"Anything is an adventure for tom!" snorted Kathryn at the thought of it.

"Come on let's get you through security and then I'll show you to your room" B'Elanna laughed thinking to herself how far they had all come since the early days on Voyager.

As Kathryn and B'Elanna walked towards the security desk where a young dark skinned female sat reading a PADD which she held in her left hand. She had not paid much attention to them before as they appeared to pose little threat. Everyone else from the transport had already cleared security. Mirral stood in a board grump due to sevens lack of acknowledgement or her greeting. The three has been stood at the desk for a while with no response from the young ensign. Kathryn gave a slight cough causing the young woman to place her PADD down and ask casually "admiral?"

"Yes?" Kathryn asked just as casually though she could feel B'Elannas temper begins to rise.

Kathryn handed her a PADD with her travel documents on, as the young woman looked down at it she suddenly realised who it was stood before her she quickly snapped out of her uninterested mode and into her role as security check in which, let's face it, is a pointless job as all the people traveling on those transports are Starfleet personal cleared for transport upon boarding. "Welcome to Jupiter station" the young ensign said to Kathryn with real enthusiasm.

"Thank you" Kathryn smiled warmly at her.

"We need to scan you medically" the ensign informed her casually, she had had many admirals refusing this in the past.

Kathryn looked at her long and hard for a while, nodded, straightened her uniform jacket, glanced awkwardly at B'Elanna stood beside her and said stiffly "yes"

"Thank you" the woman said visibly relaxing as she ran the tricorder over Kathryn.

As she passed the device over Kathryn's abdomen it let off a tell tail bleep which caused the ensign to freeze and stare at the reading "is everything ok?" B'Elanna asked looking from one to the other. Both women were now stood staring at each other.

"Admiral?" the young woman tentatively asked the older woman.

"I saw my own doctor before leaving earth, he granted me safety to travel at this stage." Kathryn informed her handing her a PADD the doctor had written out. B'Elanna was looking at Kathryn with a look of horror and confusion.

Taking the PADD the young ensign looked down at it as she read the doctors report. With a slight nod of her head she agreed telling her "yes I see no problems," as she handed the PADD back to Kathryn and added "just avoid taking a trip outside the station on our zero G walls."

"Obviously" Kathryn told her slightly harsher than she had intended.

"Perhaps avoid rigours and dangerous test flights" the young girl added giving B'Elanna a rather dirty look.

"She is the captain of Voyager she can handle it" growled B'Elanna clearly making a point that went rather over Kathryn's head.

"I am aware of who she is but captain of Voyager aside she is still a woman." snapped the young ensign then turning to Kathryn she said "your doctor recommends you see a doctor on board the station before taking a transport back to earth."

"I will be sure I will" Kathryn said with a slightly too sarcastic smile.

"Very well" came the response; clearly this woman had experience of dealing with annoying 'I know best' kind of admirals. "You are medically clear for entry; please step into our security booth."

"Thank you" beamed Kathryn as she walked into the scanning device the woman was gesturing to. The green light showed she wasn't smuggling anything into the station so she was free to step down. The dark skinned woman was gesturing for B'Elanna and Mirral to also step into the booth, though it was protocol it certainly annoyed B'Elanna but she surprised Kathryn by making little fuss as she too stepped into the booth taking Mirral with her and also showed a green light.

As B'Elanna stepped out and tried to gesture for Kathryn to leave with the young girl whispered eagerly "admiral?" causing Kathryn to turn and look at her "may I tell you admiral it is an honour to meet you."

"Thank you" nodded Kathryn.

"Your luggage will go through security check and is to be transferred to your guest quarters shortly" added the young woman giving B'Elanna a rather dirty look she added "I trust I can leave you in the capable hands of Lieutenant Torres?"

"Yes thank you." smiled Kathryn "you are ensign?"

"Lessing ma'am" the girl informed her as she snapped to attention. "Ensign Rebecca Lessing"

"Lessing?" whispered Kathryn almost as though she knew that name but couldn't quite place it.

"Yes thank you for rescuing my father"

"Your father?" Kathryn asked confused then it hit her like a bomb "Lessing? Your Noah Lessing's"

"Daughter yes" nodded the girl.

"It's my pleasure ensign Lessing" Kathryn told her embracing her in a hug and then looking deep into her eyes.

With that Kathryn turned with B'Elanna close behind her who was telling Mirral to stop sulking and join them. Once they were out the room and out of earshot of the young ensign Kathryn told B'Elanna "I never knew crewman Lessing has children"

"Nor did I till I came here" admitted B'Elanna "he was here only last month to visit her, it was lovely to catch up with an old Voyager face"

Kathryn silently walked down the corridor with mother and child as she pondered on what would have happened if Noah Lessing did die that fatal day on Voyager "oh B'Elanna it's great to see you"

"You too" B'Elanna told her. Then stopped walking folded her arms and demanded "well?"

"Well what?" Kathryn asked trying to sound casual like she had no idea what B'Elanna could be talking about.

"Don't 'well what' me" snapped B'Elanna "what was all that about?" the half Klingon demanded "why do you have to see a doctor for a transport?" then in a softer more concerned voice she asked her friend "are you sick?"

"No" Kathryn reassured her softly.


	36. Chapter 36

Kathryn looked around Tom and B'Elanna's beautiful apartment quarters on Jupiter Station. There was a large sized sitting area with Tom's 20th century television in prime viewing place. A dining area just off that with, Kathryn noticed with a smile, both a replicator and a 20th century kitchen complete with appliances. There were three other doors off the sitting area though closed Kathryn guessed a bathroom and two bedrooms. Though the quarters had a distinct Starfleet feel to them they also showed both Tom and B'Elanna's taste's rather well Kathryn felt.

"Can I mum?" Mirral asked for what felt like the hundredth time even though B'Elanna had said no to whatever the child was asking. The whole situation Kathryn found rather annoying but suddenly realised that she would actually have all this to come.

Finally B'Elanna gave in and called from the kitchen area "all right but don't get in the way"

Kathryn sat down on the sofa and smiled as Mirral wasted no time in leaving the quarters and charging down the corridor of Jupiter Station. Kathryn chuckled to herself as B'Elanna sat beside her and handed her a steaming mug with a heavenly sent protruding from it "what's that?" Kathryn asked B'Elanna.

"Oh she wants to go and see seven" B'Elanna told her rolling her eyes to show her annoyance with the child.

"No I meant what's that?" Kathryn asked staring disgusted at the dark liquid in the steaming mug in her hand.

"Coffee" told her as though this was obvious thinking Kathryn really should have known _that_.

"Can I just have hot water?" Kathryn asked trying her best to sound causal. She had eluded B'Elanna's questions on the walk to the quarters. Kathryn was well aware that sooner or later she was going to have to tell B'Elanna and tom all that had happened these last months but she hoped it would not have to be now, she wanted the time to be right.

"Kathryn?" B'Elanna asked clearly thinking her friend to be ill or something, she had _never_ in eight years of knowing her known Kathryn Janeway to drink anything but coffee and certainly not water.

"I gave up coffee for a while" Kathryn shrugged with a half-hearted shrug of her shoulders.

"You gave up coffee?" B'Elanna said slowly staring at her with a slow unbelieving nod of her head as she spoke "Kathryn you expect me to believe that"

"It's true" hissed Kathryn

"Yea ok" B'Elanna tried a different, more direct tact "why"

"No reason" shrugged Kathryn as she began to shift uncomfortably in her chair, a tell tail sign she meant more than she was letting on.

"Ok who are you and what have you done with Kathryn Janeway?" demanded B'Elanna sharply.

"It's me B'Elanna ok?" Kathryn smiled as he stood to recycle the coffee even though this was difficult for her to do, she loved coffee so much, and she knew she had to think of her baby. Kathryn would never have wasted replicator rations like that on Voyager but here was different. "And just don't ask me to drink that disgusting stuff Chakotay has in the house!" she threw out as a joke.

Kathryn's smile faded from her face as she turned to see the confusion on her friends face as she asked "Kathryn?"

"Tea" laughed Kathryn as tough B'Elanna was stupid to not understand "don't ask me to drink tea"

"Ok" B'Elanna said slowly eyeing Kathryn with a confused stare.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Kathryn asked as the smile completely faded from her face.

"You said Chakotay" pointed out B'Elanna, it didn't take Kathryn long to realise her slip up and what the problem was.

"I said what?" she tried to brush off but B'Elanna saw a hint of realisation dawn on her face.

"Chakotay, that disgusting stuff Chakotay has in the house" B'Elanna told her "done you mean Jack?"

"Hu?" Kathryn waved off and then quickly changed the subject by asking "can I?" and gesturing towards the replicator.

"Sure" B'Elanna said as there was a long pause while Kathryn replicated hot water and made her way to sit beside B'Elanna on the sofa once more. "So how is he?" B'Elanna asked still not convinced about the Chakotay slip up.

"Who?" Snapped Kathryn her mug half to her mouth ready to take a gulp.

"Jack of course" B'Elanna told her realising that Kathryn was not quite being at all honest with her. "Have you and him got engaged yet?"

Kathryn slowly lowered her mug and placed it on the coffee table before her "why don't you fill me in on life here first" she said letting her blue eyes fix B'Elanna with a stare.

"Kathryn Janeway what is going on?" snapped the Half Klingon folding her arms to let her ex-commanding officer know she would not budge until she got the _full_ story.

Kathryn let out a sigh, the time had come, a little earlier than she had wanted to but she may as well tell B'Elanna what had happened otherwise she could see the half-Klingon would not rest. "Did you know Chakotay and seven split?"

"yes" nodded B'Elanna sadly for her old friend "sad affair if you ask me" she said shaking her head "Chakotay holding out hope for you-" then quickly stopped herself and added "well for what might have been" then added "I see it's brought you and seven closer together again"

"Yes it's nice to see her so free again." admitted Kathryn; for even she could see Seven has happier away from her relationship with Chakotay. "I am not sure it was working for some time."

"did it ever?" snorted B'Elanna making Kathryn smile.

"I think they both wanted it to"

B'Elanna looked at the older woman and asked seriously "really? Did they?"

Kathryn let her eyes meet with B'Elanna as she said "well, yes, I think so"

"Kathryn he was head over heels for you, pig sick jealous I would say" B'Elanna informed her.

"Jealous? Of me?" Kathryn asked.

"Still is last I heard from him, doesn't know what to do with himself."

Kathryn looked at B'Elanna carefully her brows drawn closer together as she asked "B'E when exactly _was _the last time you heard from him?"

"Three weeks or more now" admitted B'Elanna almost sadly "he has been unavailable. What about you? How did you hear of the break up?"

"Seven" admitted Kathryn just as sadly, only two weeks ago, she came to my office late one evening to invite me to come here with her and I asked how Chakotay felt about her moving to Jupiter Station, I fell such a fool I can tell you!" laughed Kathryn bitterly.

"You didn't know?!" B'Elanna sounded horrified at this news.

"No" Kathryn told her "thanks for the heads up!" laughed Kathryn referring to the fact B'Elanna hadn't told her.

"We thought you knew" B'Elanna insisted in her defence "and Tom told me not to mention it, he said you and he had talked at Chakotay's promotion and it was best to let things be."

"your Tom is a great man." Smiled Kathryn.

"if you say so" B'Elanna joked "anyway enough of Chakotay and Seven and their mess, How's that delicious man of yours?"

"Jack?" Kathryn spat disgusted "not so delicious, nor is he _my man_"

"he's not?" asked B'Elanna, now she was really interested and really shocked.

"no" Kathryn told her, and then taking her friends hand she whispered "B'E don't freak ok?"

"Freak? What happened Kathryn?"

"well that night Seven came to my office late and told me about her and Chakotay's break up" started Kathryn slowly.

"yea?" B'Elanna urged her on.

"Jack didn't like me coming home late" Kathryn said slowly feeling quite fed up and having to relive it to everyone she talked to.

"what do you mean _'didn't like?'_" B'Elanna asked feeling a knot in her throat, she _didn't like _the way this was going.

"seems he had always been jealous, or at least suspicious of my friendship with Chakotay" Kathryn told her "Seems Chakotay had sometime earlier tried to contact me to tell me of his break with Seven, but Jack told him I wasn't in. It seems Jack went to great lengths to stop me seeing or hearing from Chakotay. A fake aid working for me and all sorts, Chakotay and I haven't got to the bottom of it yet."

"wait" interrupted B'Elanna "Chakotay and you?" then realisation began to dawn on her "when was the last time you saw Chakotay?"

"all in good time" Kathryn snapped hating her story being interrupted. "so Jack and I argued over me coming home late that night and whether or not I had been with Chakotay."

"Men" B'Elanna smirked rolling her eyes with a smile.

"so he beat me" Kathryn added quickly taking a gulp of the water as she watched B'Elanna's face change into an expression of pure shock.


	37. Chapter 37

"p'tack!" spat B'Elanna in disgust "are you ok?"

"yes" Kathryn brushed off her friend "fine"

"is it because of him you have to see the doctor before you can get the transport?" B'Elanna growled in fury, this fool was going to pay.

"no" Kathryn said but quickly corrected herself, "yes, sort of" at her words B'Elanna jumped bolt upright in anger "no, B'E not like that, it's not what you're thinking, I'll explain that later."

"ok, go on" B'Elanna said softly but then quickly added "I hope you messed him up good and proper?"

"well" nodded Kathryn "he ended up in Starfleet Medical"

"scum deserves it." Spat the now angry half Klingon. "so what happened then? After he beat you I mean."

"well I wasn't going to hang around was I?" spat Kathryn "Jack had just confirmed with me he _knew_ of Seven and Chakotay's break up."

"he never told you?"

"no" sighed Kathryn sadly "and he told Chakotay Jack and I were married and wanted nothing to do with him.

"oh" whispered B'Elanna remembering something odd Chakotay had said to her a while ago "it all makes sense now."

"what does?" Kathryn demanded.

"nothing, it's not important, go on where did you go next?" B'Elanna demanded dismissively.

"To the safest person I know."

"your mum?" came B'Elanna's question

"well ok, one of the safest people I know" Kathryn corrected herself "Chakotay."

"Chakotay?" shrieked B'Elanna, I bet her sorted out Jack.

"he's not happy put it that way." Nodded Kathryn.

"so you and Chakotay?" B'Elanna asked suggestively.

"it's early days yet" nodded Kathryn with a smile and a sweet twinkle in her eye.

"What?" shrieked B'Elanna jumping from her seat with joy "really? You and Chakotay?"

"finally" nodded Kathryn with a burst of laughter "I don't think I have felt this happy in years.

B'Elanna folded her arms and pouted "what a p'tack I talked to him only last night and he said nothing!"

"we agreed it should come from me." Laughed Kathryn standing to join her friend "it's only been two weeks."

"two weeks is like an eternity for you two, you have been dancing around each other for years!"

"as I said it's early days, and there are other factors involved." Kathryn told her seriously.

"like what?" B'Elanna asked folding her arms and looking at Kathryn with concern.

"I am pregnant." The red headed woman stated stiffly.

"your, your pregnant!" B'Elanna exclaimed with excitement "you and Chakotay are having a child"

Before Kathryn could even reply B'Elanna had pulled her into a tight a joyful embrace.


	38. Chapter 38

"No B'E" Kathryn said quickly pulling her friend away shaking her head and letting her eyes meet her friends. Taking a deep breath Kathryn tried to tell her "Chakotay and I never-" but Kathryn couldn't finish the sentence, she merely nodded wide eyed hoping B'Elanna would pick up what she was trying to say.

"What you never?" B'Elanna asked shocked "what not even once?"

"No" confirmed Kathryn sadly looking away from the half-Klingon in embarrassment. 

"But you are you living with him?" B'Elanna asked wide eyed as she looked at her friend.

"Sort of" admitted Kathryn.

B'Elanna looked her friend up and down for a long silent moment before she asked "sort of?"

"Well I moved into his house" Kathryn nodded "but he has his room and I have-"

"You sleep in separate rooms?" B'Elanna blurted out clearly shocked by this information.

"Maybe I don't want the relationship to be shaped and defined by sex." snapped Kathryn back.

"Chakotay isn't that kind of man" hissed B'Elanna softly in her old friends defence. "If you think he only wants you for sex you don't really know him"

"Not what I said" growled Kathryn "trust me"

"Do you trust him?" B'Elanna asked so pointedly at Kathryn that it made the older woman stop what she was about to say.

"Yes" snapped Kathryn though B'Elanna saw something else there in what she said.

Deciding it best to move the conversion on B'Elanna asked "so I guess Jack is the farther? Does Chakotay know?"

Kathryn who had turned from her friend looked back at her. "Yes and yes" she admitted softly.

"And he's ok with it?"

Kathryn shrugged "it's Chakotay, he left me first, and he can't expect me to have sat around lonely."

"He sat around lonely for you for far too long" B'Elanna pointed out.

Kathryn straightened up and flattened her uniform jacket saying "commander I can't decide if you are annoyed with me or not."

"So you use ranks to put me off saying it if I am? Admiral" B'Elanna said in a firm deep yet respectful undertone.

"Come on B'Elanna were past this" Kathryn Said not meeting the younger woman's eyes.

"Are we?" B'Elanna asked but when Kathryn merely turned her face from her and said nothing in return B'Elanna found she was softening. "Ok it's between you and Chakotay, Tom would tell me to butt out and mind my own business."

"Look B'Elanna I know you care greatly for Chakotay" Kathryn whispered "you go back a long way, I respect that but please try to remember there are things in our relationship that are complicated and solely between us."

"Yes sorry admiral" nodded B'Elanna.

"Kathryn" smiled Kathryn "I was talking to you as Kathryn, I admit you were right in saying I was wrong in bringing rank into that conversation where it had no place."

"Old habits take a long time to die" B'Elanna Said with a winkle in her eye.

Kathryn opened her mouth to reply but somebody else broke the silence "hunny I'm home!"

Kathryn and B'Elanna couldn't help but exchange a glance as Kathryn's lips curled into a delicate smile. "Tom Paris" Kathryn beamed as she stood to face the man who had been her faithful helmsman on Voyager.

"Kathryn!" Tom shouted dropping his tool container and entering his home fully to wrap his arms around the older woman, pick her tiny, short frame up spin her round, place her gently back down, kiss the top of her head and say somewhat respectfully with a cheeky grin on his face "glad to see you made it and didn't get lost along the way admiral."

B'Elanna gave her husband a sharp punch on the arm to which he responded "ow!" before grabbing her and claiming her lips as his. Kathryn gave a giggle and shook her head at this unlikely couple, this was not the Tom Paris she had dragged from federation prison nor was it the B'Elanna Torres who joined her crew hating everything Starfleet, most of all her.

"Excuse me Mr Paris I might like to inform you I have _never _got lost, I always knew exactly where I was." She told him with her famous Janeway death glare on show. Then she added pointing firmly at his chest "And where you not Voyager's Pilot? You know Voyager who got shall we say _moved _to the Delta Quadrant for seven years."

Tom's grin retuned as her brushed her hand from his chest showing no signs at all of cowering under the admiral as any lesser man may have done, "no can do admiral, you see _I_ was a mere _observer_" he spat in pretend dejected disgust "I was not pilot of Voyager when she was, what was it you said, _moved_."

Tom's grin was so wide his face was about to crack, Kathryn kept her admirals composure, playing his little game as she placed her hands on her hips, raised one eyebrow, tilted her face up to look at the tall man and said calmly "that, Mr Paris is why I happen to like you."

"I'm glad." Tom joked as he moved towards one of the closed doors which Kathryn had earlier decided was a bedroom. "Do excuse me admiral, my wife and I have agreed to a life out of uniform when off duty, I'm just going to get changed, and then I will join you for a drink." With that Tom was gone through the door and disappeared.

Kathryn looked down at her own admiral's uniform, the forever dividing thing that held her friends at arm's length, it had been two years since Voyager and already things were starting to get back to her old Starfleet ways. Kathryn stole a glance at B'Elanna who was busying herself in the kitchen; sure enough she was not in uniform, something even Kathryn hadn't noticed. "B'Elanna?" she asked tentatively "I think I should change from my uniform."

"It's up to you Kathryn." B'Elanna said coming to face her friend, "Tom and I just decided it was best for our relationship, especially being out her in deep space not on earth, we didn't want to end up in the same rut as on Voyager, and we wanted a life too."

Kathryn faced her friend trying to take in what she had said "Voyager was like being stuck in a rut?" she asked feeling her emotions flying and her own voice getting huskier.

"For us? Yes" nodded B'Elanna "but it wasn't anybody's fault, don't feel you have to change if you feel more comfortable in your uniform, just please no rank, you're on holiday, were of duty, were family don't commanders and admiral."

Kathryn eyed her friend, she could feel her eyes filling with tears, B'Elanna's words had cut to her without B'Elanna even knowing there was something Kathryn had never admitted, could never admit. before Kathryn had chance to say anything else Tom had returned from the bedroom, "so?" he asked cheerily "Jupiter station has its share of mess halls but it's nothing like Nelix's interesting Delta Quadrant slap up meals, but anyone up for trying it?"

Kathryn turned slowly to face Tom, "maybe" she said slowly, "if I am off duty and on holiday and you and B'Elanna are going to where civilian clothing I think I should do the same, I'll head to me guest quarters, I'll see you later."

Tom and B'Elanna exchanged worried glances, nothing at all got past the tall fair haired man, especially when it came to his ex-captain, he had spent seven years negotiating her mood swings, and for good reason, he was more often than not in trouble. He was also married to B'Elanna the most temperamental woman he knew. "or for now Kathryn, we could stay in, B'Elanna and I don't care what you were, your just Kathryn to us, we could sip wine till the night is old and you could tell us what earth is like and fill us in on all Tuvok's news, I had heard he is returning to earth is he not? It has been quite a while."

Kathryn looked form Tom to B'Elanna, gave a little smirk, wiped the water from her eyes and told him "just as long as the wine is synthesol and I'll do it."

"Synthesol?" Tom snorted "what's this great Kathryn Janeway becoming a light weight in her old age?" Tom joked which earned him a glare from his wife.

"No" Kathryn spat at him with a twinkle in her eye "just pregnant in my old age, come on Tom, as Voyagers field medic, not to mention a father yourself, I thought you might have seen the signs." With that she winked at him, sat on his sofa, kicked off her Starfleet issue boots, curled her feet under herself, took the synthesol wine B'Elanna offered her as the two woman looked rather smugly at the stunned, somewhat taken aback young helmsman.


	39. Chapter 39

Tom Paris stood there, he was sure Kathryn Janeway had just announced her pregnancy, but then maybe he was getting hard of hearing in his old age, this was just a little too complex for his brain to work out. They had agreed B'Elanna would take an earlier shift so she would be there to greet Kathryn and Seven as their transport came in, but that was only an hour and a half ago, surely not enough time for these women to share _everything_ with each other, though seemingly _that_ little piece of information had already gone his wife's way. "pregnant?" he found himself questioning, still looking at the two women in surprise.

"Yes Mr Paris" Kathryn told him clearly loving this little development "as in, how did they say it in the 20th century? 'up the duff' 'a bun in the oven' 'in the club'"

Letting out a cough he found himself saying deeply "with child?"

"yes" Kathryn nodded trying to get her blue eyes to meet his blue eyes. He let his find her and saw she was smiling and so he smiled to saying "um, sorry admiral, congratulations"

"thanks" she laughed with her own twinkle in her eye.

"I am sure you and Admiral Lang will be very happy starting a family." He said slightly too stiffly for her linking.

Rising from her seat Kathryn stood before Tom, raised her eyebrow and asked seriously "not approve of the father of my children Tom?"

Tom who couldn't help feeling set up took a deep breath as he looked from Kathryn who had just gone from a tearful 'run away and retreat' stance to absolutely loving her little 'game' and Tom couldn't quite work out what to do. "Kathryn, if it's what you want I am happy." Then he took her hand and asked seriously into her eyes "is it what you want?"

Kathryn looked deeply into Tom's eyes and saw serious concern there, the twinkle flashed from her eyes as she began to well with tears and she told him "you know there is only one whom I wish to carry the children of." As the tears over flowed from her bright blue orbs Tom wrapped his arms tightly around her. "look at me" she mumbled into the tall younger man's chest "what kind of an admiral am I? I can't even hold it together while visiting friends."

"why do you always have to be _the captain_" Tom whispered back as he still held her tight "_the admiral?_"

"Oh Tom"" she sighed pulling away "I don't expect you to understand."

"no you don't" he told her softly "but stop just for one minute and look around you, we made it home, were here on Jupiter Station. No more Voyagers, no more Delta Quadrant." Then he took her and made her look deeply into her blue eyes "no more protocol"

B'Elanna looked from Kathryn to her husband and back again as the stared deeply into each other's eyes as tears rolled down Kathryn's face. If B'Elanna hadn't known better jealousy might have reared its ugly head but she knew better than that and she knew Tom had acted as an unofficial counsellor for this woman they both respected very much, there was much he knew which she didn't.

"Jack and I aren't together" she told him through water gasps.

Tom looked at her deeply for a second and asked "but your caring his child."

"yes" she nodded then more tears flowed, all the while Tom didn't let go of her "chakotay say's I should tell him about the baby but I don't think I want to." Kathryn sighed "I mean I know Chakotay is a good man, he wouldn't push me but-"

"Chakotay?" Tom asked slyly braking into a cheeky grin and looking at her "is this to say you and he?"

"its early days" he nodded breaking into her own smile "very early days" she stressed pointedly at him with a beaming grin.

With that Tom picked her up once more and spun her round "I do believe admiral Janeway you have just made me an extremely happy man."

Kathryn snorted and swatted his arm with her own laughter "like I said Tom early days, we are taking it very steady, not rushing into it."

"you can say that again." snorted Tom "it's only been, what? Nine years since the two of you fell in love." To which he earned a death glare from his ex-commanding officer.

"for one thing and another, the timing seems to have always been lost." Whispered Kathryn as she looked up to meet Toms blue eyes with her own "with one thing and another we never quite seem to make it."

"until now" Tom said looking at Kathryn and seeing a real womanly beauty mixed in between her tears and her smile. "Now" he said running his hand carefully over her auburn hair "how about B'Elanna show you were your guest accommodation is, I'll go get that daughter of ours." To which he shot B'Elanna a protective father glance which Kathryn didn't miss "you change out of this uniform of yours, and we'll meet back here in forty minutes and see what we do about dinner. How does that sound?"

"sounds perfect" smiled Kathryn wiping away the last of her tears.

(+)(+)(+)

Chakotay arrived home from work that evening, his house felt once again far too silent and devoid of life. For the last two weeks there had been another presence there, a woman, her laughter, her openness and her sent filling the air at every turn. It had been so long for Chakotay since a woman had filled his life in such a total sensual way. Probably since Seska he found himself musing as he walked into his kitchen to find his nose invaded by the smell of roses. Roses? he wondered in question as he looked around for the source of such a smell, he hadn't smelt roses since "lake Georgia" he whispered softly to himself allowing a small yet hearty laugh to escape. There on his kitchen counter was his framed holo-image, his favourite holo-image, the one of Kathryn lying in his lap while they were sailing on lake Georgia, the holographic one, all those years ago in the delta quadrant. Behind the holo-image was placed a vase and in the vase a single tall, slender peace rose. Chakotay smiled for it was almost identical to the peace rose he had given her that fateful day in the delta quadrant. running his copper brown fingers gently over the soft silky petals he flashed his dimples the way he knew Kathryn liked and shook his head whispering "I need to get out more" the thought of him feeling delight over his woman leaving him a rose made him snort, maybe the rumours were true, maybe all these years as her devoted lap dog had softened him. as a maquis captain he took his women not took roses from them, but where Kathryn Janeway was concerned he didn't really care he told himself as he picked up the rose, took in the heavenly sent and thought inwardly of her only. he had promised not to comm her, she needed the space but he also felt the need to know she had got there safety not to mention the fact it had sure crossed his mind what B'Elanna and Tom would say if she told them. he knew though she never admitted it that Kathryn had shared with Tom on more than one occasion her feelings regarding him.


	40. Chapter 40

Chakotay toyed with the rose in his hand, he knew Kathryn and he knew how hard it was for her to admit she cared for him. For too long she had hidden all feelings behind her infamous command mask. For years he had stood by her side sure she had left all feelings for him behind in the early years of their journey in the Delta Quadrant, that was if there were any feelings at all, having said that he knew she cared, as friend, but never had he known she had cared for him more than that. Chakotay knew for her now the sentiment behind the rose meant far more than the rose itself. With a smile he sniffed in it's sent, so very much Kathryn's sent. Images of Kathryn over the last months flooded his mind, her pure and childish joy as she realised she had just got her crew home. The relief as she sunk into her command chair. The beaming smile he had watched her give as she turned towards his empty chair beside her, the quickness in which she lost that smile, the quick recovery she threw over her face masking her hurt as she glanced around for him. The obvious hurt when she realised he and Seven were together, her retreating to Vulcan for so long, him yelling at her demanding her to be happy for him and seven. An image of the posed Admiral she was at Commander Data's memorial invaded his mind, the guilt he knew she still cried for that incident ridden across her face. The elegance she showed in his promotion ceremony, the love she openly offered in organising it for him. Then that dark stolen conversation she had with Tom Paris that night, a private moment he had invaded in on, still neither of them knew. The truth that she loved him, that she had always loved him escaping her lips into the silent confidence of the young man Chakotay had grown to love and care for as some sort of son. Kathryn inviting him into her admiral's office and not denying her affection for him, yet not asking him to leave Seven for her, he painful admittance she was now herself with somebody else. Jack Lang, _Admiral Jack Lang, _Chakotay looked down at his hand where he still held the rose. He had made a promise many months ago, a promise he had let pass this last week but now, with Kathryn gone he had every intention of keeping to that promise. Anger boiled in Chakotay as the final image of Kathryn, his beautiful Kathryn, bruised and battered and beaten entered his mind. Chakotay stood to his full height, placed the beautiful rose back in the vase and turned to leave his home, after all a promise was a promise.

(+)(+)(+)

"I'm sorry captain the admiral is in a meeting" Chakotay stood firm as he looked down at the beautiful innocent young aid.

with a smile breaking into his lips Chakotay nodded keeping firm as he leaned forward and whispered "if I had a coin for every time a beautiful young admirals aid such as yourself told me that I would have latinum up to my ass" which earned him a horrified look from the pale skinned ensign.

"sir" she gulped feeling trapped "the admiral is very busy and-"

"ensign" Chakotay said softly and compassionately "you run along and tell your boss Captain Chakotay is here and will not go away quietly"

"I am sorry sir, the admiral knows your here but is indeed rather busy" the wide eyed young woman told him.

Chakotay ran his lean tanned fingers along the dusty rim of the ledge lining the window of the reception room. "tell me" Chakotay said in his deep voice without even turning to face the younger woman "what sort of man do I strike you as?"

"sir?" the dark haired girl began to fidget.

"do I strike you as a man who would break a promise?" Chakotay asked calmly with his hands firmly behind his back.

"I-" began the young woman "I - don't - know sir" she stammered, she could sense his anger as soon as he walked in the door but she also sensed he was a collected man, full of passion when directed right but so in tune with everything around him.

"I believe your boss does" Chakotay told her his dimpled smile rising on his lips and in his deep growl of a voice "I also know he is sat in that little office of his listening to every word we are saying here." standing to his full height he asked smugly as the young woman flashed her dark eyes towards the supposedly concealed microphone "do I strike you as a honourable man ensign? or simply a coward?"

before the young woman had chance to answer the doors to the office swing open and the admiral stepped into view "all right captain Chakotay; you have my attention."

Chakotay shifted his vision to the admiral and a wave of hatred flushed over him before he nodded and said simply "we have unfinished business to discuss."

the admiral stepped aside gesturing for the taller, broader man to enter.

Chakotay turned back to the woman watching the exchange and said with a seductive smile "lovely to talk to you _again_." then before either could reply he stood to his full height and entered the office of admiral Jack Lang.

Jack Lang surveyed the calm broad man he had just let into his office. he had a fair idea what he had come for and if Jack was honest it frightened him just a little. captain Chakotay, the ex-marquis captain had always been portrayed in the media during the war as a serious threat not to be taken lightly behind the ever calming exterior of native American honour. now Jack was frightened, alone with such a man was a foolish thing to do. he only hoped for his sake the more recent reports of him being 'the hero of the Delta Quadrant' be more accurate. Jack toyed with the idea in his mind of trying to secretly alert security but decided not to for he was aware this man would see that a mile off, in fact if Jack was honest with himself he knew much of this man just from what Kathryn had waffled on about.

turning to face up to the tall copper skinned man Jack asked a little too casually for Chakotay's liking "do you know my aid captain?"

an involuntary snort escaped from Chakotay as he membered Kathryn asking his the same question "no" Chakotay said casually taking a seat without invitation from the admiral "but we have talked" then with a dimpled smile his deep eyes met Jack's "though you know that as you ordered her to play the aid of admiral Janeway whenever I comm her office, did you not?"

Jack denied nor admitted Chakotay's accusation he settled for sizing up this man, oh he was angry, Jack could see that, livid even, but he didn't display his anger in any way Jack really understood and that worried him. Jack didn't know which way to jump and so took the air of caution forcing himself to go along with the pretence of him being there on some kind of social call. "drink captain?" he asked his voice raising an involuntary octave at the unbearable, unblinking stare of the Native American.

"tea" Chakotay nodded "herbal"

as Jack turned to replicate the drink he knew cowering beneath the low ranking captain was unacceptable, undignified at best. He was a Starfleet admiral in his office at Starfleet headquarters, this _marquis_ was unable to touch him and he clearly knew it. "not a coffee drinker?" Jack asked in a rich undertone "pity," he sighed with a devilish smile "I seem to remember that beautiful commanding officer of yours begging me naked on her hands and knees for coffee." Jack almost laughed at the heavy breathing and tightened knuckles of the man before him, so predictable Jack mused "I enjoined pouring it on her and licking it off, sort of sweet with a deep bitter kick."

"I am sure" nodded Chakotay stiffly. Chakotay knew Kathryn, he knew every bit of her, more than she realised, she was to him an open book, he had schooled himself in reading and knowing her but he didn't know her sexually, that he hoped one day he would correct but for now he had to be content in the way he knew her. Chakotay knew Jack Lang was trying to antagonize him and if he didn't get a grip he would surely succeed. "alas I myself am not a coffee drinker." he admitted "coffee poured over a naked woman is not my thing, though if admiral Janeway and yourself enjoy such things, each to their own hay admiral?" Chakotay found himself shrugging as he casually raised the tea mug in a toast and took a gulp.

Jack was put out and Chakotay knew it. images of Kathryn naked doing this admirals bidding in return for a coffee mug almost made Chakotay gag with anger but he knew he had to keep his cool. He didn't need to know Kathryn sexually to know she wouldn't do that, would she? Shaking his head and clenching his fists he had to let that one go, if she had that was between her and Jack he had to respect that.

"pity" Jack told him "then again, perhaps not for Kathryn. You know what they say about you don't you?"

Jacks words forced the naked image of Kathryn begging for coffee from Chakotay's mind, he had never seen her naked but he had in his fantasy's, this however was one fantasy he did not want to hold in his mind "I tend not to listen to listen gossip magazines" Chakotay told him truthfully.

"your her nodding yes man" Jack told him "what's it like to be strung along and used like a pathetic, toy for seven years?" he asked slyly "aye captain, no captain, as you wish captain, can I scrub the decks captain?" Jack laughed at the response his words got from the native American "what did you get in return? the crumbs and scraps she dropped for you when she needed you. a touch here, smile there, a husky sentence whispered only for your ears deliberately dropped when you were needed. forgotten when you were finished with, until next time you were needed."

Chakotay placed the mug down and rose from his seat anger throbbing in every part of him "still now she does it and you let her, pathetic." Jack laughed.

"you know why I have come?" Chakotay found himself questioning. "you see admiral, I made a promise to you, a promise that bares no reflection on my role in her life and I like to see myself as an honourable man admiral so I intend to fulfil that promise, that is a fact."

"are you threatening me captain?" Jack asked trying hard to hide the worry in his voice.

"call it a reminder." Chakotay growled at him.

Jack Lang walked openly up to Chakotay with a smug smile on his face, tilted his head upwards and asked "does _she _know you're here? Only something tells me she won't be happy if she did and then she might not throw those little crumbs down for you to grovel on your hands and knees like a dog to collect." Chakotay took a deep breath his chest rising in anger at the admirals words but he couldn't help feeling there was just a hint of truth in those words "what's this?" Jack laughed "the angry warrior has finally come out to play, has your peace left you?" Chakotay stopped and stared at the younger smug looking man, had Kathryn really shared with _him_ their most private and intimate moment of their time in the Delta Quadrant "is she not here to drop her crumbs, take your hand across the table and stare lovingly into your eyes, anything to keep the marquis in line, Kathryn is after all a resourceful woman." Jack knew then he had the captain just where he wanted him "she likes using her femininity to get what she wants, surely you realised that?" Jack asked so innocently "after all, the Devor inspector, what was his name now?"

"Kashyk" growled Chakotay dully.

"Arrr yes Inspector Kashyk, so lean she told me, so easy to mould, but not nearly as easy as you"


	41. Chapter 41

"Well?" Tom asked as Kathryn returned back to his home forty minutes later wearing a beautiful light dress and her reddish hair down around her shoulders "how do you like the admirals guest quarters here at Jupiter Station?"

Kathryn winked at him with a broad smile "adequate" she joked "but after so long in Starfleet standard issue living spaces I have come to not be too fussy."

"No bath?" Tom asked knowing his old commanding officer too well.

Kathryn looked up at him, her arms folded and a pout on her face, "Tom, I would not judge a home on its lack of bath tubs."

"No?" the younger man dared to challenge folding his own arms and raising his eyebrow in question to her.

In reply all she did was give a short huff before turning and sitting down in his home, "so she asked with the glistening blue eyes, where are you going to take me?"

"Take you?" Tom asked not even bothering to hide the confusion drawn on his face as he looked at her.

"Well did you not say Jupiter station had a wondrous array of dining halls?"

"You want to sample one?"

"looks like it" she joked rearranging her hair so it flopped back behind her shoulders, until then Tom had not realised just how long this beautiful woman's hair had got "it really has been a while since we saw you" he joked with a smile "your hair's getting unruly"

"Excuse me?" Kathryn spat in disgust.

"Long" Tom quickly corrected himself "your hair's getting long"

"Commander Paris did you just call my hair _unruly_?" Kathryn spat the twinkle still glistening in her blue eyes.

Tom staggered a response but whatever he had said Kathryn couldn't make it out she was just about to order him to 'speak up man' because she liked to watch him squirm when the Comm terminal in the corner of the room began to beep. "Saved by the bell" he smiled making a dive for the terminal and acknowledging the call before Kathryn could say any more.

Kathryn was just chuckling to herself at the thought of Tom Paris still melting under her famous death glare when Chakotay's voice broke through to her ears "- only she hasn't commed to say she has arrived safe."

"She's right here big guy" Tom smiled his cheeky grin as he looked from the computer terminal to Kathryn, Chakotay could tell by the look on the younger man's face Kathryn ad already shared news of their relationship with him.

Then the beautiful radiant woman herself came into view, he hair fanning forward as she leaned lower to get a better view of the screen "Hi" she smiled at him he eyes glistening with mischief "sorry I didn't call, all was well, I have just been freshening up." Then with a free wink at the younger man stood slightly beside her she turned to him, placed her hand delicately on his upper arm _"crumbs she drops there for you" _came the deep words crashing into Chakotay's mind as he saw her give Tom a gentle squeeze and almost as quickly move her hand. With a quick turn of her head she was looking back at the computer terminal, back at him, "no bath tub" Chakotay heard her say, "Tom here thinks my hair is unruly." A wave of nausea flooded Chakotay as she continued to talk.

Had she really been using him? Did she ever really love him? Why now after all they had been through together had she chosen to make a life with him.

"Chakotay?" Kathryn asked "Chakotay?" her words drew him back to her.

"What?" he snapped.

The twinkle was now gone from her eyes, the glistening had left her and the hint of mischief was replaced by a concerned worry "sorry Kathryn" Chakotay said stiffly "I need a walk"

"A walk?" she asked, her arms folded, her eyebrows raised in a mini death glare. Turning to Tom she again placed her hand on his arm, "can you give us a minute?" she whispered tilting her head towards the screen.

Chakotay could see the concern in Tom's face also, he hadn't wanted this but Jack Lang's insinuating words had not left his mind all day. Tom gave a nod, returned the gesture of placing a hand on Kathryn's arm and whispered "I'll be in the kitchen"

"Thanks Tom" came her husky reply.

"Chakotay sweetheart, what's wrong?" she asked taking a seat in front of the terminal, as she did so he hair glistened in the sun and for a split moment Chakotay felt something other than anger and disgust with this woman.

"Your hair" Chakotay found himself whispering "your hair is beautiful"

Kathryn eyed him suspiciously before whispering "thanks, like I said no bath."

Chakotay's darkened eyes fell on Kathryn cross the comm terminal, "Kathryn, did you love-" he began but then cut himself off with a heavy sigh.

"Chakotay?" Kathryn whispered a heavy frown forming across her face, "did I love who?"

"Nothing" he spat. Then taking a deep breath he seemed to visibly snap out of his sorrowful mood and forced a smile on his face, Kathryn knew it was forced because his dimples did not form. "Glad you made it there OK."

"Yea" she said slowly "I'm here, does it bother you?"

"No" he told her "honest" he could tell she didn't believe him.

"Maybe it was a bad idea my coming here?" the tired woman asked softly trying to read her boyfriend's thoughts.

"No!" he snapped at her so suddenly it took her aback. "No" he said in a softer tone "you need your rest and I know how much you miss Tom and B'Elanna."

Kathryn tilted her head to look at his deep, darkened face "you miss them too" she found herself whispering.

Chakotay looked at her for a second and then hung his head "yes, yes I do."

Kathryn looked at the pained pitiful face of the man she loved, something was bothering him and she didn't know what. "I wish you were here with us." She found herself saying. This was supposed to be _her _break, _her _time with friends but suddenly she realised what she was really doing, trying to keep him separated from her social life. This wasn't Voyager, at least she _had _a social life, sort of, and the only problem was she didn't know _how _to have it.

"Thanks for the rose." Chakotay sighed softly.

"You're welcome" she smiled "did you like it?"

"Yes" came his sad reply. Earlier that evening he had thought it to be a profession of her love, now he wasn't sure.

"Well, have a good holiday, see you when you get back." Sighed the Native American "Chakotay out"

Kathryn suddenly found herself staring at an empty view screen "bye" she whispered softly "I love you"

"Everything ok?" Tom asked concerned as he came back into the room where Kathryn was.

"I don't know" she admitted "something wasn't right"

"Maybe he had busy day at work" suggested Tom.

"No" she said slowly with her brows drawn together "it was more than that"

"He's had it tough these last few years" Tom reminded her.

"You know that feeling you get when you know somebody's going to break up with you?"

"Kathryn" tom tried to reassure her taking her hands in his "trust me, there is no way in the universe that man will let you go!"

"Who's letting her go?" came B'Elanna's voice as she entered the home with Seven and Mirral close behind.

"Nothing" hissed Kathryn "it's nothing"

"Chakotay was on the comm" Tom added causing seven to raise a silver eyebrow "he's getting board at home alone"

"it is my memory that captain Chakotay prefers to be alone rather than in company, except when having sex; do you not agree admiral?" seven offered her stoic dead Pan, innocent option to the mix.

Kathryn coughed loudly, that was one thing she dude not want her fantasy to remember, seven and Chakotay having sex."I- that is to say myself and Chakotay have not engaged in sexual activity."

Seven silver eyebrows raised in confusion "you're a virgin?"

"What?" snapped Kathryn at the innocent abruptness coming from seven. Turning to Tom and giving him a scowl as he burst out laughing hysterically she turned back to seven and said stiffly "no of course not seven, I was referring solely to my relationship with Chakotay."

"I do not understand, it is my experience captain Chakotay enjoys sexual activity several times a night." seven added with confusion.

"Yes thank you" hissed Kathryn deeply through pursed lips rubbing her forehead. Dropping her hand sighed and said "it's nothing, it's between Chakotay and myself. Now are we going to dinner? I want to hear all about your first day on the new job seven" Kathryn said with a forced smile.

"Well it's not Nelix's galley but it's a place all of its own, you admiral will love it and the proprietor's will be so happy to see you there." tom winked at her with that grin he had only when in mischief. "Come on"

Kathryn's lips escaped into a wonderful crooked grip as she shook her head in amazement, gestured towards the door and said "lead the way captain proton"

"As you wish" tom winked his twinkle in his eye as he added "Queen Arachnia." which earned him a playful swat on the arm.

Tom, closely followed by Kathryn and with Mirral running a head left the quarters. Seven's stiff frame with eyebrows raised followed behind. "I'll be with you soon" B'Elanna called "something I got to do first"

"Well hurry up about it!" called her husband back.

"I will!" the half Klingon called as the doors shut leaving her in the quarters.

"Woman" tom laughed shaking his head "she's gone to powder her nose"

"Her nose?" came sevens innocent reply to which Kathryn and tom exchanged glances before laughing.

Back in the quarters B'Elanna took a seat at the computer terminal and called her old friend and father figure. When the troubled face of Chakotay appeared on the view screen, his face pale abduction his brows drawn together distorting his tattoo above his left eye B'Elanna folded her arms, set her jaw looked at him and demanded "what gives?"


	42. Chapter 42

"All right, all right I'm coming." Snapped Jack laying down his whisky and walking towards the door of his apartment in San Francisco as the door chime sounded for the ninth time in the last minute. Whoever was on the other side of that door was going to hear from this angry admiral.

As he swung open the door to give his angry tirade to the unwanted, impatient visitor he as met by a man he had already seen once that day "Hello Jack." Came the firm dimpled smile.

"Captain?" Jack stammered realising _this _was not good as the visitor advanced to walk into his home he quickly went to slam the door tight shoot but the copper skinned hand slammed down on the door keeping it open, Jack was not strong enough to fight this Native American in strength.

"No, Chakotay" he growled almost forcing himself into the admiral's home "and we need to talk _Jack_" Chaktotay spat "you see this is not about ranks, admirals, captains and commanders, this is not _Starfleet's _business this is about you, Jack, What you did to a very special woman, Kathryn, and what I Chakotay am going to do about it."

"Do about it?" Jack found himself stammering as he backed away realising that any security he may have had in Starfleet as a Starfleet admiral was now long gone.

"Yes, you see I told you I am an honourable man, I keep my promises." Chakotay told him casually as he cast his eyes around the apartment, the place did not look how he had expected as Chakotay had failed to take into account the fact that until a week ago this had been Kathryn's home, there were signs of her all around, the place even smelt of Kathryn.

"Shall we not _talk_ about it?" stressed Jack following Chakotay's eye line to her bra and knickers, complete with coffee stain still actually lying over Jacks work desk where they had been discarded weeks before.

"Did you talk about it with Kathryn?" Chakotay asked feeling that temper rise as he teased his face away from Kathryn's coffee stained underwear and turned to face the younger man.

"Where is she?" Jack suddenly found his confidence, for really he knew Kathryn would never allow Chakotay to come there in that way, he also knew what Kathryn had told him of this man, he _was_ an honourable man, so honourable he was damn right peaceful to the core.

"Nowhere near you." Growled Chakotay as he once again turned his attention to the room at large.

"She loves me." Spat out Jack in the hope of turning the older man off "if you hurt me she'll hate you!"

"Loved you?" Jack could smell to distaste and anger radiating from the other man as he turned and picked up the bra sprawled over Jack's desk. Black lace, soft, silk good quality, Chakotay found his mind wonder as is nose was invaded by the still lingering smell of Kathryn Janeway. "Perhaps she did, that is not for me to say, I don't talk for her."

"She's thought you really well hasn't she?" laughed Jack as he saw the desperate need for this _captain _to collect his thoughts and do the 'right' thing.

"No you see you don't understand my relationship with Kathryn." Chakotay told him steadily as he ran his fingers along to rim of the cup of the bra.

"No?" Jack sneered; He knew it was likely this man had never had sex with her, especially judging by the way he fingered her bra. "I know more of your time in the Delta Quadrant than you think."

"Did Kathryn tell you?" that had rattled the big, broad man.

"You're concerned now, what do you think?"

"I think you're a liar grasping at anything to try to keep on top."

Jack knew better than to answer that, instead he went for tact, right then he knew he was doing anything to keep "What does it feel like to be second best to a hologram from Ireland?"

Slowly Chakotay shifted his darkened, broad body to face the younger man who he was heating more and more as time went on, placing the bra in his pocket and calmly asked "What does it feel like to be second best to the maquis captain who was second best to a hologram from Ireland?"

"She's only with _you _because she didn't like my form of discipline." Jack yelled, clearly shown he had broken.

"_Discipline_?" growled Chakotay. There was something in the way he growled the word and then let it hang in the air that would have screamed retreat to any other man.

"Sure, keeps the ungrateful ones at bay."

Jack suddenly realised he really had said the wrong thing, Mr Calm, placed and honourable had turned angry. His eyes had darkened his fists clenched and Jack could even hear the sound of his teeth grinding together "ungrateful?" chakotay managed to hiss as the anger and rage poured round his head.

"I gave the _whore of the delta quadrant_ everything she could want and the ungrateful slag came repaid me with disrespect and lies" Chakotay's breathing depend the instant Jack said these words. His eye's blazed with fire and his heart pounded in this chest. With one quick swift movement Chakotay's hand went back and his clenched fist impacted heavily with Jack's sneering jaw.

There was a tremendous thud mixed with a loud crash as Chakotay's fist impacted with jack's jaw sending him backwards crashing into the desk behind him. Staggering to his feet again Jack wiped the blood form his face with the back of his hand as he said angrily "captain you're going to wish you never did that."

"no" growled Chakotay still breathing heavily as he leaned over the younger Admiral still half sprawled on the floor "you're going to curse the day you were born, I'll make sure of that"

"how did it feel to be under a captain who wouldn't be with you because of protocol but who pimped herself to any man in the delta quadrant" Jack spat at Chakotay's broad shouldered back as he calmly turned and walked away "for the good of the ship of course." Jack added sarcastically as Chakotay left but deep down he knew, he would be back another day and he knew then there would be hell to pay.

(+)(+)(+)

"Nothing" muttered Chakotay later that evening as he faced his comm terminal. B'Elanna had just called him back after a somewhat awkward conversation with Kathryn herself. B'Elanna wanted to know what was going on with him but truth be told Chakotay didn't really know himself.

"Nothing?" B'Elanna repeated folding her arms and raising her eyebrows giving her old friends and mentor an unbelieving look "Chakotay you're going out with Kathryn Janeway" he hissed in pretend annoyance "you failed to mention that!"

"I don't know B'Elanna" a dejected Chakotay shook his head. In one hand away from BElanna's eyes he held Kathryn's tiny silk bra tight in his fist.

"Well she thinks you're going to break up with her" B'Elanna laughed but when she saw the look on Chakotay's face she found herself shocked "Chakotay?"

"I thought we both wanted to be together" he told her looking at her sadly.

"You've both wanted to be together since the start so what gives? Why the backing out?"

Chakotay thought of his Kathryn somewhere across the galaxy with Tom and B'Elanna, everything in him knew she wanted to be with him and had wanted to be with him since they met but Jack had planted just that little seed of doubt. "Is she ok?" Chakotay asked meeting the eyes of the half Klingon he saw her anger but she saw in him something else, a pain there.

B'Elanna softened as she looked at her old friend over the computer terminal s she told him "she's worried, confused, she knows there's something not right."

"Is she with you?" Chakotay asked looking B'Elanna in the eye, worry showing on his own face.

With a sigh B'Elanna shook her head and told him with her arms folded and a glare worthy of Janeway herself on her face "no she's go with Tom and Seven for dinner, I have to join them soon so start talking"


	43. Chapter 43

Chakotay looked at B'Elanna on his computer terminal feeling a little awkward as he tugged of his ear with his hand he asked calmly "do you read what the press say about Kathryn?"

"The good or the bad?" B'Elanna spat back at him realising she didn't like that way this conversation was going, of course she knew the insinuating press releases on Kathryn but they knew her, _they knew_ it wasn't true.

"The bad" Chakotay fidgeted awkwardly almost regretting mentioning it at all.

"I try not to." B'Elanna snapped.

"Well I started reading it today."

"See anything of interest?"

"Yes actually" Chakotay told her almost stiffly as he read out "_Kathryn Janeway the whore of the delta quadrant_"

"Oh come of it Chakotay you know better than that" B'Elanna told him angrily but when she looked in his eyes she saw something there, something she didn't like. B'Elanna realised this man, Chakotay, Kathryn's best friend and first officer might actually believe what some of the press were saying.

"Do I?" he asked her his eyes set jet black.

"Chakotay!" B'Elanna almost shrieked shaking her head at the thought of it "do you realise what you're saying?"

"of course I do B'Elanna but we have to look at the facts as they are presented" Chakotay said sounding angry as he ran his copper skinned hand through his blackened hair "how many times has the way seemed so hopeless but somehow the great captain janeway got us out of it."

"Chakotay your insinuating we, Voyager got home in exchange for Kathryn giving secret sexual favours to delta quadrant aliens" B'Elanna didn't care se was raising her voice now, or that she was being blunt, somebody had to say it, maybe then Chakotay would snap out of it and realise how stupid what he was saying sounded.

"I'm not insinuating it, the press are." He growled softly to her through gritted teeth.

B'Elanna shook her head at him wide eyed, she couldn't believe what he was saying "your questioning it, when the first officer questions the accusations against the captain it becomes more serious" then she relaxed as she looked at him saying "you know Kathryn better than that"

"I don't know any more." He shook his head.

"What brought this on?"

"I went to see Jack Lang today" Chakotay told her gruffly pulling on his ear again "twice"

"I hope you ripped the P'Tacks head off!" B'Elanna growled as he Klingon fury came out.

"Kathryn tell you then?"

"What? That he beat her, yes" admitted B'Elanna still feeling furious over the matter.

"I gave it to him" Chakotay told her with his dimpled smile "the maquis way, you would have been proud"

B'Elanna let a smile escape as she said smugly "good to see you still have your fighting spirit" then realisation dawned on her as she wiped her smile away "jack, it was Jack who put all these idea's in your head about Kathryn wasn't it?" she shouted but without waiting for his response added "Kathless Chakotay he's trying to break the two of you up surely you see that."

"But B'Elanna it makes some sense." Chakotay insisted.

"No Chakotay it doesn't and you know it!" she shouted at him angrily shaking her head.

"Don't be blind to this" Chakotay urged "you must have seen it, the way she flirts."

"With you yes." Nodded B'Elanna, not a sole on Voyager hadn't seen it, except maybe Chakotay himself.

"Me?"

B'Elanna laughed at the innocence of it as she told him truthfully "That woman has been flirting with you since they day we stepped foot on Voyager"

"Exactly, because she wanted something from me" Chakotay growled in a sinister voice as he twisted her bra in his hand.

"What?" B'Elanna found herself asking feeling confused.

"A maquis captain to toe the line" Chakotay found himself growling in bitterness "she did it to us all, even Tom"

"Tom?" B'Elanna asked confused what her husband had to do with Chakotay's warped idea of Kathryn.

"Think about it B'Elanna" he growled.

"Chakotay your mad" she snapped folding her arms which only lead to anger Chakotay further. "you need to talk to her"

"What do you know about inspector Kashyk" he asked calmly meeting her eyes in a clear and deliberate manner.

"Who?" B'Elanna snapped, hating being thrown out of her line of thought.

"The Devor inspector" Chakotay turned the words out like he was in utter disgust.

"Oh" B'Elanna said softly sitting back in her chair, her whole face relaxing as she did. Clearly this had invoked some sort of memory or feeling for B'Elanna, something Chakotay didn't know about.

"Oh?" he growled, his eyes flashing demanding of her.

"It's not what you think" B'Elanna added hastily wishing she hadn't said anything. A confidence Kathryn had shared with her on a dark night on Voyager.

"What's not?"

Closing her eyes Kathryn admitted softly "It was one kiss."

"What was?" he demanded of her.

"Chakotay I really think-"B'Elanna began softly wishing this wasn't happening but he cut her off.

"-What was one kiss."

"Kathless" B'Elanna swore angrily.

"Do you know something I don't?" Chakotay's chest was rising and falling with his rapid breathing as he asked darkly "Did Kathryn kiss Kashyk?"

"Chakotay…" She said slowly asking him to stop this conversation.

"That's why he left so easily, that's how she knew." He growled it all fitting into place "all those long hours working late, alone coming up with a solution."

"Look Chakotay all I know is she found Kashyk attractive at first but when she realised his real plan she needed him to think she really trusted him, it broke her." B'Elanna tried to jump to her friends defence.

"It broke _her_" he spat his own rage rising. B'Elanna knew that dejected look on Chakotay's face, she had seen it before.

"Chakotay don't do this don't walk out on her because of the past."


	44. Chapter 44

The day had barely begun for Kathryn, though she was on holiday she had agreed to take a VIP admiral's tour of Jupiter Station on her first morning there so she once again found herself clad in her uniform and coffee mug in hand. She was pacing, she was nervous, she had been replaying her conversation with Chakotay the night before. Rubbing her head she felt a headache. B'Elanna had been quiet when she finally made it to the mess hall, Kathryn wasn't stupid, and she knew she would have been on the comm to Chakotay. Just then her door chime sounded, damn their early, she mused as she called for entrance, "hi" came the all too familiar steady voice of the man she had just been pondering over.

"Chakotay?" she gasped as the Native American stepped swiftly inside her quarters allowing the door to close behind him.

"How are you _darling_?" he almost sneered as he drew within inches of where she stood ad removed the coffee mug from her hand placing it on the table.

He caught her off guard, she found herself drawing a heavy breath and looking back at the coffee mug "what are you doing here" she found herself asking him wide eyed as she once again retreated from him. She knew he had travelled the transport the whole night to get there.

"I have come to see you" he said with a forced casual smile.

"Chakotay what's going on?" she asked him shaking her head at him wide eyed as he advanced on her, this was not right.

"We need to talk" he hissed.

"Okay" she said slowly nodding and fighting away the tears as she could sense he was breaking up with her.

"I believe this belongs to you" he said coldly as he threw the bra at her hitting her square the chest. Catching it Kathryn opened her mouth to say something but closed it again. The look of utter disgust on his face frightened her.

She threw it down on her desk beside the coffee "what you don't want it?" he spat anger beginning to rear its ugly head in him.

"Where did you get that?" she demanded placing her hands firmly on her hips and pursing her lips at him.

"So it is yours" he smiled smugly.

Realising she had been set up to confirm his suspicions he pinched the bridge if her nose and closed her eyes "of course it's mine" she growled as realisation filled her head and her eyes shot up to meet his "you went to see Jack"

"I had to" Chakotay told her firmly stepping closer to her.

"Thanks Chakotay thanks a lot" she hissed at him through gritted teeth and hands on hips her blue eyes blazing with fire. "What's this?" she demanded as he thrust a PADD into her hand.

"Read it" one glance told her exactly what it was and she certainly had no intention of reading it.

"I would rather not if it's all the same to you" she told him in her best command tone full of wide eyed confusion.

"Read it" he ordered again refusing to take it from her.

"No!" she screamed at him not taking her eyes from his as she threw it on the desk beside the bra and coffee mug.

"Okay I will" he snapped picking up both the coffee stained bra and the PADD.

"Chakotay" she almost begged shaking her head as tears formed in her eyes, she couldn't face this, not now.

"Kathryn janeway the whore of the delta quadrant" he read selectively.

"Chakotay" she begged her eyes welling up.

"it is said that captain Kathryn Elizabeth janeway the female captain of Voyager knew only one way to command, through lust" he spat ignoring her.

"Chakotay I'm warning you" she found her admirals voice.

"Is it true?" he wanted to know hurt evident in his eyes as he looked at her.

"what?!' Kathryn shrieked, she didn't know what was coming but that was not what she had expected him to say next.

"Is it true Kathryn?" he repeated again, anger still evident there.

"How dare you!" she shouted as she raised her hand and slapped him clean across the face, an almighty thwack as flesh met flesh.

She went to smack him again when in a split second every turned. He grabbed her wrist with one hand and wrapped his arm tightly round the waist with the other forcing her body tightly against his, his hot breath hard against the back of her neck "get your hands off me!" she shouted trying to pull free as with one quick movement he discarded the PADD and seemed to almost lift her writhing, struggling body and slam her hard against the bulkhead as he forced her to stand pressed up against the bulkhead, his legs holding her either side of her hips, one hand holding her hands above her head as she writhed. The other hand forcing her uniform jacket open to show her turtleneck tight over her tiny breasts as he swiftly removed her rank bar and comm badge, anything that reminded him of protocol and rank.

As he forced his hand through her long hair he lowered his head to nibble her ear lobe he whispered "isn't this what you wanted?"

"Chakotay" she struggled turning from him and closing her eyes as he ran his fingers over her rose cheek bone "no" she let out a whimper.

He looked at her struggling in his grasp, turning from him as he touched her so he asked softly "does my touch repulse you?"

"no" she whispered again in whimper shaking her head quickly with her eyes closed "not like this" she begged forcing him to run husband fingers softly over her jaw "Chakotay"

"Do you trust me?" he whispered into her face.

For the first time since he had grabbed her she relaxed, stopped fighting him and opened her eyes saying "with my life"

He let his eyes meet with hers begging her to see he wasn't going to hurt her at all, he loved her but enough was enough. "Then Kathryn I am going to ask you one question and I want an honest answer" she looked at him and offered only a nod. Slowly running his fingers over her rose painted lips he whispered "did it feel good?" her lips involuntary parted at his touch "did it feel good when you kissed inspector kashyk?" her eyes began to glaze over into the command mask at his words. She opened her mouth to say something but closed it again as he said "honest answer kathryn"

"Yes" she whispered as she closed her eyes after a long thought "yes it did"

"For the good of the ship?" he spat gently releasing his hold on her enough for her to push him away.

"I did what I thought I had to do" she insisted.

"How many others?" cane his demand.


	45. Chapter 45

"Chakotay?" Kathryn found herself asking, furious as she tried to regain some dignity, she didn't really know what she was asking but she didn't really like the implications of it.

"How many others?" he growled in a low deep tone as he circled her as she set her jaw and placed her hands on her hips.

"None" Kathryn spat at him furious.

Chakotay rounded to face her "none?" he growled seductively, part of him really didn't want to end believe what he was saying, the other part of him really needed to know.

"not like that" she whispered softly and Chakotay saw a Change in her, her clear command stance was gone she looked weak before him trying to avoid his eye contact as she bit down on her bottom lip. Chakotay wanted to believe it was in anger but deep down he knew "flirting" she whispered almost unbearable to hear "a little but you knew that" her wide eyes shot up to look at him. He had been there he had known. He had just never thought the true implications before. She was a caring tactile person. Who had a deadly glare just as deadly as her flirtatious smile.

"Where?" he demanded.

"Where what?" she asked genuine confusion drawn across her face.

"Did you kiss Kashyk, in your bed?" he snarled "ready room against the bulkhead, the mess hall?"

She issued a death glare but he ignored it and watched her closely till she told him "the cargo bay"

"Cargo bay" he almost whimpered his breathing deep and steady.

"Chakotay" she whispered stepping to him and placing her hand gently on his arm.

"Why Kathryn?" he snapped brushing her hand away in disgust.

"Chakotay? Please"

"If he had asked you, if any of them had asked you would you have had sex with them?" Chakotay demanded of her his fury rising. He couldn't believe he had got it all wrong, he flirting with him wasn't because she loved him, because she wanted to be with him it was all because she wanted to use him to achieve a goal.

"I was captain of Voyager" she insisted anger emitting from her "it was my duty to get my crew home" then she turned from him and administered the blow "I was alone"

"You were never alone Kathryn" he told her as he had done so many times before.

"I wasn't the only one" she spat trying to show why she felt so alone. "Riely, seven"

"none of my entanglements were acts solely as payment to get us home faster" Chakotay pointed out but softening just a little as he looked at her and saw real true passion and love in her eyes.

"I did what I did" she told him firmly and Chakotay realised if he didn't

"I should have took you a long time ago" he growled at her as he rested his hands firmly on her shoulders and looked down into her shining blue eyes.

"Excuse me?" came her response as she set her jaw and stared firmly up at him.

"kathryn I don't want some harlot, some passing whore" he whispered much softer than he had been, regret clearly drawn across his darkened face and kathryn suddenly realised what he meant about taking her, if he had got her into a relationship with him at the beginning maybe she would never have felt so alone. Maybe she wouldn't have felt to need to flirt with anyone.

"Chakotay" she whispered stepping forward and taking in his expression of hurt she knew it, she could see it, he had it all wrong and he was about the break up with her.

"I don't want to be the next flirt to keep me at bay" he told her sadly and firmly as he ran his fingertips once more over her cheeks "and I don't want you on your hands and knees begging for coffee because it makes me feel good" he told her as he raised her coffee stained bra into her eye line so she could see it. He had expected her to fight to push it away but instead she closed her eyes and tried to turn from him where he held her in a tight grasp. Chakotay realised this was all wrong, she wasn't angry or strong or uncaring as he had thought she was ashamed. He suddenly didn't want to be holding the offending bra as he cast it aside and relaxed just a little as he took her chin gently in his hand turning her face to him as he told her "and I certainly don't want you ashamed to look at me" he whispered. This wasn't a tall how he had planned it with himself as he took to transport.

"Chakotay I am so sorry" she whispered in that husky voice she reserved only for him

"I don't want you to be alone" he told her breathing hard as he allowed his eyes to rest on hers and he knew what he had to do "I will personally to my dying day ensure you and your children are never alone." he whispered lovely as he placed his firm copper brown hand on her abdomen where she carried her baby inside her. Kathryn stared at him, she was so sure he was about to break up with her, so sure he was disgusted with her. "never again will you feel to need to act sexually with a man simply to achieve a goal" he told her as she tilted her head upwards biting her bottom lip to fight back the tears "you will only ever have to be with a man because you want to for loves sake." then ever so softly he ran his fingertips over her jaw line sending an involuntary shiver through her body. Quickly Chakotay withdrew all physical contact from her as he said darkly "never again will a man who repulses you lay his hand on you again and never again will a man raise a hand to hurt you."

Slowly Kathryn shook her head, how could he think this, it had just dawned on Kathryn where he was going with this "Chakotay I, you -" she sputtered but he wasn't listing.

"I will personally see to it kathryn, and when he comes" at this Chakotay turned from her "the man you will truly fall in love with I will be there, jealous, but there to support you."

"Chakotay" she raised her had shaking her head asking him to stop.

"No kathryn shut up and let me finish, for once please!" he snapped.

Taken aback she thought the urged to smile as she gave his a crumpled look and began "okay but Chakotay-"

"I will be here as your personal servant if you let me admiral" he talked over her "you will always be my peace admiral"

"admiral?" she asked eyebrow raised, crooked smile forming on one side of her mouth as she let her eyes flash deliberately to where he had removed her rank insignia.

"Kathryn" he corrected himself firmly with a nod.

Clearly trying to hold back laughter she told him softly "that's a nice speech Chakotay but-"

"But?" he snapped letting her know she was walking a very fine line. He had given her the best she could, given the circumstances and she was repaying him with sneering.

"Can I finish now?" she snapped.

"Sorry" he mumbled hanging his head.

"Firstly" she smiled advancing towards him seductively "your beautiful when your angry, my angry warrior"

"Kathryn" he growled in warning as her hand had slowly gone up to trace the lines of his tattoo.

"Let me" she whispered giving him a look of pure love as he grabbed her wrist to stop her touching him. Never again will he let her use his physical attraction towards her against him. "Please" she begged. He had never seen such love radiate from a woman towards him. This wasn't lust, seduction or manipulation this was love.

"secondly, I am so sorry" she told him looking deep into his eyes as he fingertips found his mouth "sorry for keeping you out on Voyager, so sorry for all the lies" looking up at him Chakotay saw something he had never really seen, fear real fear. Sure she would suppress it, hide in behind her admirals mask he waited for it. "I was scared, I have been scared for a long time" came the admittance that shocked him and pulled down all his angry walls.

Chakotay was just about to respond when the look in her eyes changed, changed again to the way she had looked at him all those times on Voyager. "Kathryn don't please, I don't want to be the next man you use" he told her.

"Chakotay" she asked stepping back here brows drawn together and her eyes blazing "you believe Jack over me?"

"You just admitted it" he pointed out firmly.

"no" she said slowly and softly "I admitted I kissed a man to use him to save the ship, I also admitted I used my femininity for gaining some goals but I never once said I used my relationship with you that way."

"Kathryn?" Chakotay asked stepping back as she went in to kiss him.

"Damn it Chakotay I don't want a servant in you I want a lover" she shouted anger flaring as she looked at him with her tears flowing.

"Lover?" he question softly.

"Boyfriend" she whispered.

"But I thought-" he began.

"You're a p'tack" she shouted to interrupt him.

"great- thanks" he said stiffly nodding slowly at her in anger.

"A handsome one" she added with a laugh to which he looked at her and smiled at her sincerity "hay if I was the whore of the delta quadrant what that make you?" came her husky voice.

"Her more than willing lap dog" he told her moving to her and wrapping his arms tightly around her, running his hand over her tight delicately tiny breast confined in a bra and her uniform turtleneck.

"No" she gasped struggling to pull away "Chakotay not now" she shook her head desperately. "Not this way"

"Kathryn?" he asked surprised and confused as he pulled away saying deeply "I do repulse you"

"No that's just it" she whispered resting her delicate hand on his chest where jealous breath was hard and heavy "Chakotay, I don't want it to be about sex for us" she whispered with a husky voice letting he words fill the air. As he looked down at her she looked up at him with her glistening blue eyes and told him "I love you Chakotay you great p'tack I sure as hell have fantasised over our sex for nearly nine years don't ruin it now here like this"

"Love me?" he gasped at her admission.

"Yes you, I love you." she laughed as her crooked smile broke out to her eyes. Chakotay smiled warmly at heterosexual admission with made her cup his face in her slender hand and tell him softly "I love those dimples" as he drew he into a hug she allowed her body to sink in to his as she slapped his back and shouted "but don't you dare think this is over" the pulling away with that knowing twinkle in her eye she shouted "how dare you go to see Jack and how dare you believe his twisted lies" then through gritted teeth she started stabbing him with her finger on the chest "and I promise you if you ever do anything that might threaten the safety of my unborn child again I swear you won't be able to sit down for a month! I don't care how angry you are or what you think of me!" as Chakotay looked into her eyes he knew she was furious. She loved him yes, she was genuinely sorry but she was truly seething with him.


	46. Chapter 46

"Now then" she smiled seductively as she pulled herself away from his chest and said with a twinkle in her eye "welcome to Jupiter station, I have an admiral's tour in thirty minutes, coffee time"

"An admiral's tour?" he asked her feeling quite unsure what such a thing was.

"Yes" she nodded firmly giving nothing else away "and you're coming with me so you had better get in uniform"

"Coming with you?" he asked even more intrigued as he saw her smirk and walk to the other side of the room. "Uniform? As in work?"

"Oh yes Mr. Chakotay, you're not getting out of this one, If I have to go you have to go now you've shown up" she laughed pretending to order him waving her finger in his direction "so sit"

"What?" he questioned the sudden abrupt order.

"Over there on the sofa" she waved behind her in the general direction of the sofa.

She had her back to him; her lean, slender frame seemed so small and delicate all of a sudden. He couldn't see what she was up to "Kathryn what are-"

"Coffee black, tea herbal" she cut across him and ordered stiffly. The familiar sound of the replicator was heard before she turned grasping to hot mugs in her hand. Walking towards him she handed him the herbal tea, sitting down causally beside him she tucked her feet under her as she grasped the coffee mug in both hands. For the first time that morning he realised she wasn't wearing any shoes. Her bear toes stuck out from under her. "Urgh" she muttered as she took in the scent of the coffee "shouldn't be drinking this, bad for the baby."

Chakotay was amused as she discarded the coffee mug still full and rubbed her forehead for some reprieve. She really was taking motherhood seriously. Nothing, _nothing_ at all had been known to keep Kathryn Janeway voluntarily away from coffee. Visions of him slamming her against the bulkhead minutes before invaded his mind "Kathryn what you said, about me harming your child-" he began slowly and sadly.

"I meant it" she snapped at him but didn't look at him as she leaned far back in her chair with her head back resting with her eyes closed.

"I know" he told her looking deeply at the way she sat, her eye's closed, her tired features "Kathryn I'm so sorry I didn't think"

She didn't open her eyes, she didn't say a word, and she didn't in anyway acknowledge Chakotay had even said anything. "your tea will be cold" she finally whispered a short while after he had turned away from her. She didn't sound annoyed but there was a hint in her voice.

"You didn't poison it did you?" he asked with his dimpled smile. Her eyes shot open and she raised her head to issue him with a silent death glare "okay, thanks delicious" he said taking a steaming hot gulp.

A smile twitched on her face "so I am not sure how as a captain you managed to get here in one night when as an admiral I had to spend a week arranging it" she said folding her arms and closing her eyes again.

"Maquis secret" he told her seriously moving closer to her, she looked relieved as he added "if I told you id have to kill you"

"Of course captain how foolish of me" she said sitting up and opening her eyes waving her hands in front of her in pretend annoyance. After the silence had filled the room a little too long for Kathryn's liking she asked him seriously "well now you're here are planning on staying?"

"If you'll let me" he said resting his hand on her knee "if not I'll return to earth and get on with my life"

She scowled at him for a second before telling him absently "I was thinking last night about names"

"Names?" he asked confused. It was annoying I'm that she kept avoiding the serious point at hand but he had learnt a long time ago it always best to go along with what Kathryn Janeway want's and Kathryn Janeway _always _knows what she wants.

A smile escaped threw her lips as she ran her hand softly over her abdomen, with her eyes closed once more and relaxed she laughed with a nod "for our baby"

"Our baby?" he asked in sudden confusion.

"Well if you're planning on always being there to make sure I'll never be a lone it may as well be our baby" she told him her brows drawn together as he shining blue eyes look at him as though he really were stupid.

"But-"

"I like Zara for a girl" she cut him off without looking at him.

"Zara Janeway" he nodded "has a nice ring to it"

"I know I'm always right" she told him as she shot him a death glare.

"Of course" he nodded with his own dimpled smile. He likes this Kathryn Janeway, free relaxed, open and a mother. She was going to be a _mother. _"What about boys names, any ideas?" she asked him firmly with her hands on hips. "Chakotay?" still he did not reply her merely was staring at her abdomen. It hadn't sunk in what she was saying. She was pregnant and she was calling the child _his._ "Chakotay?" she asked again taking his hand gently.

"Caleb, I always liked Caleb, when I was a boy I wanted a son of my own, a son to call Caleb" he told her meeting her eyes. Kathryn knew then he didn't want her to call this child Caleb, but one day she told herself, one day she would give him a son to call Caleb.

"one day, oh day Chakotay you will" she told him with a smile as she planted a gentle kiss on his copper brown cheek before standing and recycling his finished drink and her untouched coffee.

"Will I?" he asked as he too stood to stand behind her.

"Indeed" she told him without looking at him as she zipped her uniform Jacket, tided her hair and replaced her comm badge.

"With auburn hair and bright blue eyes?" he asked stroking her now bare neck as he picked up her admiral's rank insignia and replaced it on her turtle neck where it belongs. "Like his mother?"

"Perhaps" she told him with a wink as she turned to face him, in just a few short seconds admiral Janeway was back.

He looked her up and down his smile wavering as she thought for control "so whens this admirals gig you have me going on?" she asked trying to lighten the heavy mood that adjust descended on the room.

"Any moment now" she told him firmly as she pulled her socks and boots on "So you had better get in uniform." She ordered.

"You hate it don't you?" he asked seeing the look on her face.

"What?" she asked exasperated that he wouldn't get in his uniform.

"Here in the alpha quadrant" he said gesturing around him then looking at her "as an admiral"

"I have lived my whole life to make the admiralcy" she reminded him firmly.

"So what's wrong? Not what you thought it would be?"

"No it is" she said slowly as he shoulders slumped "it's just, I'm tired Chakotay"

Chakotay watched her as she tried to tidy up her quarters quickly, always had to be doing something, she could never really relax he noticed "you have a busy life and you didn't stop for seven years in the delta quadrant"

"I want to stop now" she admitted her eyes blazing. He knew she meant more than a break, she meant leave Starfleet.

"Kathryn you just need a break" he said giving her shoulders a quick massage; he didn't want her to do something she regretted.

"No Chakotay it's more than that" she pushed him away and spun him around "look at me, an old pregnant spinster playing at being admiral" she shouted forcing him to see her real pain.

"Kathryn" Chakotay drew his beautiful admiral into a hug and he said "has this got anything to do with Voyagers decommissioning next month?"

"No Chakotay" she whispered wishing he would understand. She pulled away from him and looked lovingly into his face, tracing the lines of his tattoo with her hand she whispered "I just want to have a beautiful home in the country, a dog, an open fire, talaxian tomatoes growing in the garden, my handsome husband doing the cooking and our five children laughing up stares"

"It's a nice dream" he smiled his dimpled smile.

Cupping his copper skinned face in her pearly white hand she whispered in a deep soft tone "it could be more than a dream Chakotay"

"five children you say?" she said raising his eyebrows feeling deep love for this woman seining in him but too long had she kept him at bay and tight behind protocol, now he was too afraid to take their relationship further without her lead.

"If you'll give them to me" she nodded seriously.

"You already have one" he reminded her as he placed his hand softly over her still flat abdomen.

"Then give me four" she whispered up at him placing her hand over his.

The love and passion that lingered between the two had long been needed to come out. "You want children from me?" Chakotay found himself asking lovingly as he eyes sparkled like sapphire.

"I want more than children Chakotay" he told him getting infuriated he wouldn't take the lead "I want a family"

"Kathryn?" he asked not daring to believe what he was saying.

"Damn you Chakotay" she growled in her deep husky voice. "Do I have to do everything around here?" she asked deciding today was the day, she was not going to hide from her dreams anymore "I'm asking you to marry me" her words had tumbled out before she could arrange them in a proper fashion.


	47. Chapter 47

Chakotay stared at her, had she really said what he thought she said? Her eyes looked up at him. Slowly she closed them and opened them once more staring at him through her lashes. She was waiting, waiting for him to answer her. Breathing hard she thought the urge to turn away. Was he annoyed with her? Was he refusing her. Why would he not answer unless he wanted to turn her down? He heart raced as she looked at him and realised she couldn't read what he was thinking. Just as Chakotay opened his mouth to say something her door chime sounded, he never had chance to say anything because she closed her eyes, hung her head and slipped right into Admiral mode "enter" she said deeply. The whole time she didn't even look back at him as he stood still stunned by her sudden proposal. Turning from him she addressed the ensign who had just entered the room "ensign, sorry I will be right with you."

"No need to rush Admiral." The ensign said looking at Chakotay stood there dumbstruck clad in tatty civilian clothes.

"Captain Chakotay, Voyager's first officer." Kathryn nodded at him with a smile "and a very good friend of mine." Then turning to the nervous ensign who realised she had perhaps walked in on something important judging by the look on Chakotay's face Kathryn added "Ensign Turner, Admiral Larmour's excellent aid."

"Sir" the young girl nodded in acknowledgement as he smiled his dimpled smile at her warmly "it's a pleasure to meet you." Turning back to Kathryn she added "perhaps I should wait in the lobby for you Admiral?"

"No need" Kathryn smiled "we're ready, you'll have to excuse the Captain, and he's been traveling all night on the transport from earth."

Didn't have time to change" Chakotay shrugged spreading his arms wide with a dimpled smile "take it or leave it"

"Admiral?" the young woman glanced at Kathryn unsure what to do.

"Yes ensign" Kathryn asked trying her absolute best to sound serious and not laugh out loud.

"This is an admiral's tour" the ensign pointed out staring at Chakotay who was displaying what she deemed insubordination.

"Indeed" nodded Kathryn trying to show seriousness in her voice. "What the admirals on the station afraid to see a captain out of uniform?" this horrified the young woman as it did Chakotay.

"Kath-" he began stepping closer to her but she shot him a deadly warning death glare "admiral" he corrected himself stepping back "maybe I should stay here"

"Oh no you don't mister" she growled deeply at him "captain Chakotay goes and that's final" she snapped "does anybody else have anything to add?"

"No ma'am" the young woman snapped to attention.

"Chakotay?" she growled positioning herself close to him just in front of him so she could tilt her head back and look at him seductively.

"What?" he looked at her with love. As she cocked her head he suddenly realised what she was asking "no admiral nothing to add" he told her shaking his head.

"Right well lets go" she said suddenly pulling herself from him and marching towards the door.

(+)(+)(+)

"I am sure you would appreciate this one captain." the dreary admiral tried to excite him. Chakotay who had been studying and keeping very close to her as she kept running her hand over her stiff neck and lower back.

Suddenly Chakotay became keenly aware that all eyes in the room were on him. Looking down at Kathryn who was by far the most beautiful admiral he had ever seen he saw her blue eyes flash with joy as he asked quickly "what's that?"

"This one" again the admiral said gesturing to a large grey box with an eternal red glow.

"Oh yes of course admiral." he smiled a dimpled smile. He had seen one as a child; his mother had used it before they had acquired a more up to date one. Chakotay found this item fascinating even though as a whole the dull tour of Jupiter stations ancient relics was annoying his and he really wished to be alone with Kathryn.

"So tell us" she growled annoyed at being the only one to not know what it was "what does this component do?"

"Sorry admiral" Admiral Larmour doing the tour hastily added "perhaps the captain would care to explain?"

"Captain Chakotay?" she asked turning to him with a husky voice and her eyebrow raised and hands on hips.

"It's a lucid dream device" he told he calmly "or at least it was supposed to be"

"Lucid dream, as in vision quest?" she asked slowly.

"Yes" he nodded with a dimpled smile.

"Do you have much experience of such things admiral?" a very shocked admiral asked her clearly not at all expecting her to.

"Not so much myself, captain Chakotay here has shared his experience of lucid dreams with me on a number of occasions" she smiled smugly resting her hand on Chakotay's firm bicep.

"Of course" the tour guild decided to quickly move on "and our next relic here in the museum of accent culture is what is known as a Nokia"

"A Nokia admiral?" now even Kathryn had no idea what such a thing was. It was a long brick like device with a long chimney like thing sticking out on top. Black with a tiny square 'screen' below that several buttons with numbers and letters.

"An early comm badge" the old admiral said smugly. Kathryn merely looked at the chunky black object and raised one eyebrow "a communicator long before kirks time" she was told. "There were many models each with an upgrade from the last."

"Which century are we discussing now?" Chakotay asked noticing that Kathryn's lack of enthusiastic response was getting noticed.

"This Nokia is from the late 20th century admiral" the young ensign who had come to her room earlier chipped in

"A communications device four centuries old" Kathryn sighed deeply in a husky voice.

The admiral Larmour looked slightly put out at her lack of interest but quickly moved on to the next relic further down the passage way. As they followed the rest of the group Kathryn moaned softly and rubbed her neck. Chakotay taking his place behind her Chakotay placed his hand on her lower back leaned in and whispered "you could at least pretend to be interested admiral"

"I am" she hissed letting her hand drop and tilting her face up to him.

Chakotay knew then that really Kathryn needed a break though she would never admit it or say it for fear of seeming weak. Chakotay knew what his role in that had to be "admiral, perhaps the rest of the tour could continue another day?" he asked calmly not looking directly at Kathryn but at the older admiral running the tour.

All eyes were now on him. Including Kathryn who looked at him as though she wanted to hit him she could not believe that Chakotay would interrupt the tour and tell everyone she needed a break. "Captain?" she spat hands on hips feeling angry.

Chakotay looked at her and felt a little hurt, surely she knew him better than that? "I am feeling somewhat sleepy after my long transport here last night, I could do with rest" he said addressing the other admiral s present. This took Kathryn aback as she stepped backed giving him a confused and puzzled look. He found himself adding for good measure. "Forgive me admirals; my stamina was not what it was on Voyager"

"Of course you are still recovering from your time in the delta quadrant" nodded the older admiral sympathetically which made Kathryn jump to look at him. "You hardly need continue the rest of the tour with us captain" he nodded at Chakotay "dismissed"

Kathryn was looking in puzzlement between her commanding admiral and Chakotay. Looking into Chakotay's face she saw a look there she had seen before, he wanted her to take his lead "admiral I know how much the captain enjoys such displays, perhaps on his account we should continue another day when he is rested" she smiled sweetly.

"Of course admiral" she was told in response "this tour is for your enjoyment" then with a rather unhappy look at Chakotay it was added "and that of your invited guests"

"Of course" she smiled her fake smile nodded and said "do excuse us" before turning on her heal and began walking swiftly.

"Admirals" Chakotay nodded respectfully as he turned to catch up with Kathryn. She grabbed his arm causing him to ask in a low voice "Kathryn?"

"Walk" she hissed back as she almost dragged him from the admiral's sight. As they rounded the corner she ordered "in here" as she pulled open the Jeffrey's tube hatch pulled him inside slamming it shut sending them into almost darkness. Chakotay who had done what he was told looked at her as she relaxed and sunk into a comfortable sitting position against the bulkhead and closed her eyes. "Spirits I thought that would never end"

"A communications device from the 20th century" he teased with a smile.

"Fascinating" she rolled her eyes which caused him to let out a hearty laugh. Her eyes glistened with love which relaxed her to take his hand and look at him seriously saying "thanks"

"Your needs are mine to carry" he whispered looking at her just as lovingly as he stroked her knuckles.

"But thanks for taking the reason" she urged softly "you know how I hate to look weak" she whispered softly casting her eyes down almost shamefully.

"Anytime" he whispered with a smile. When she still didn't look up at him he gave her hand held in his a squeeze and cupped her face in his over hand. As she looked up at him he said softly "if you're going to be my wife it will be my joy to carry you through"

"Your wife?" she whispered her crooked smile forming.

"Yes Kathryn your wife" he told her brushing the hair from her face. She was breathing hard and she gave a slight involuntary shudder as he whispered "of course I'll marry you"

"Well" she smiled after a long silence "a dark Jeffrey's tube is always a nice place to get engaged"

"Kathryn Janeway i love you" Chakotay laughed out loud.

"i know" she said shifting her body to get more comfortable as she looked at him.

"your infuriating" he growled as he kissed her cheek.

"i know" came her childish giggle.


	48. Chapter 48

Kathryn Janeway felt like a whale, a beached whale. The sooner this baby was out the better, she still had at least a whole moth to go and for her it was getting beyond interesting. Pacing up and down the aisle she rubbed her forehead and her lower back. The pain was getting to her and her protruding belly was simply getting in the way of everything she was trying to do, that afternoon was no exception.

"Kathryn" B'Elanna whispered "we can do this another day."

Kathryn turned to face her friend who was dressed in the most elegant red satin night gown, Kathryn's eyes nearly welled up when she saw her friend, and she had never seen the younger woman look so elegant before. "That's the one" Kathryn smiled softly.

"It takes a bit of getting used to" growled the half Klingon rearranging her shoulder strap "what about you? That nice green one in the maternity section?"

"B'Elanna" Kathryn spat in reply "it looks like a tent"

"Oh come on Kathryn it wasn't that bad!" B'Elanna insisted though she didn't really believe herself.

"Why can't I just wear my admirals maternity uniform it looks fine" Kathryn asked feeling annoyed with the whole situation.

"You know why Kathryn" B'Elanna told her as she called over the curtain behind which she was changing back into her casual clothes.

"It's a stupid order anyway" Kathryn spat back as she began to pace again "it's a Starfleet event so why can't I wear my uniform?"

"Because Voyager has achieved more than any other ship." B'Elanna told her drawing the curtain back to look at her friend. "Starfleet want to recognise our work as her crew."

"Voyager won't recognise me out of uniform" groaned Kathryn leaning back and once more rubbing her lower back with her abdomen protruding before her.

B'Elanna looked at her old friend who for many years in the delta quadrant she had seen as a mother, folded her arms and asked her "Voyager won't recognise you without your uniform?"

"B'Elanna the seven years I spent with Voyager I was always the captain, I am not going to board her to decommission her dressed in some frumpy tent." Kathryn snapped Turing to let her blue eyes meet with her friends "Voyager has the right to an official Starfleet decommissioning."

"Come on Kathryn" B'Elanna laughed "The rest of Voyager's senior staff will be in formal dress, do you really think you want to show up on Chakotay's arm with him in a tuxedo and you in your Starfleet uniform"

"no of course not B'Elanna" Kathryn sighed "but that's just it, if any of Voyager's staff are to be in formal wear then all of voyagers staff should."

B'Elanna smiled and shook her head saying "we don't make the rules admiral"

Kathryn's mouth broke into a smile as she steered her heavily pregnant body towards the paying desk in the old style clothing store saying "come on; let's get you that dress I need to sit down before I explode."

B'Elanna followed her lead without saying a word. After the two women had acquired the dress for B'Elanna they made their way to a little café on the street corner overlooking the Eiffel tower. Almost sinking into her seat Kathryn rubbed her head and groaned "I could kill for a coffee right now"

"I don't think so" came a laugh from a man with a dimpled smile who came to join them at the table with a young quarter Klingon girl on his knee. Kathryn issued him with her death glare which caused him to merely tug on his ear awkwardly before glancing at the shopping bag and asking "so ladies a fruitful trip?"

"For B'Elanna" Kathryn sighed shifting awkwardly in her chair.

Chakotay's smile faulted as he watched Kathryn closely, he had been watching her closely these past weeks and he knew she was feeling a lot more discomfort than she was letting on. Resting his hand subtly on her knee to show his support he smiled at B'Elanna and asked "so do I get to see?"

"Not yet" B'Elanna smiled giving her dear friend a sideways glance as he held her daughter on his knee so comfortably. "Tom's got to wait for the big day so have you, I am so not a dress person." She smiled.

"What was that B'Elanna?" Kathryn scowled "I thought you said it was best we dressed in these ridiculous dresses."

"I Admiral am not the one who was insisting I would just wear my uniform to the occasion." B'Elanna retorted handing her daughter a piece of the cookie the waitress had just brought her.

Chakotay couldn't resist laughing until he looked at Kathryn and realised she had made such a suggestion as a serious one; quickly he wiped the smile from his face and told her softly "Kathryn, you can't go to a formal occasion in uniform."

"Why not? It's an Starfleet occasion and besides I can't get anything descent with this _thing_ stuck of the front of me."

"That's your child you're talking about" B'Elanna chipped in but quickly shut up and paid attention to Mirral when Kathryn gave her the most feared death glare.

"Surely the have maternity dresses?" Chakotay innocently asked taking Kathryn's hand and rubbing her knuckles with his thumb.

"I look like I am dressed in a tent in them" she hissed tucking into her chocolate brownies.

Chakotay stole a glance at B'Elanna who confirmed with a nod. Thinking in silence for a minute Chakotay hung his head before turning back to Kathryn and saying "Perhaps we can get something tailor made for you? That way we know it will fit right and look elegant."

Kathryn's blue eyes met his leaning in she cupped his copper brown face with her pale hand and whispered in tat deep husky voice he loved "thanks."

B'Elanna who was smirking at her two older friends asked "so what do you two have planned for the rest of the day?"

"well" Chakotay whispered with a sideways glance at to Kathryn as she sank back into her seat and closed her eyes "I think my darling fiancé needs a rest and I am under orders to finish painting the nursery back at home."

"Tom keeps promising me he'll take those old baby things of Mirral's round, if he hasn't done it by tomorrow I'll do it myself."

"thanks." Smiled Kathryn as she opened one eye to look at the half Klingon. "And thanks for a nice day, we should do it again sometime but right now I need a rest" as she half pushed half shuffled herself up she ruffled Mirral's hair.

As Chakotay handed the child back to her mother he too stood next the Kathryn offering a steady hand to support her. B'Elanna looked up and smiled at them, they made a happy little family "thanks for looking after Mirral" smiled B'Elanna at Chakotay "now you two run along before she collapse"

Kathryn groaned and said to B'Elanna "if I was ever too hard on you while you were pregnant on Voyager do forgive me."


	49. Chapter 49

"What time is it?" Kathryn asked as she tightened her silk night gown as it kept coming loose around her large belly, walking into the sitting room to see Chakotay who was stood with his back to her.

"Hay" he said with a dimpled smile turning to her "it's now 20 hundred hours"

"How long was I asleep?" she asked rubbing her forehead and walking further into the room towards him.

"just a few hours" he said softly wrapping one hand around her waist drawing her into a hug and kissing the top of her head before letting her go and asking "drink?" as he picked up a glass of green bubbling liquid and handed it to her.

"Thanks" she said taking a sip looking at him over the top of the glass and for the first time realising that he was wearing an old shirt and pants and was covered in splashes of light green paint "look at you." She laughed before giving her drink a suspicious look.

"New look, do you like it?" she laughed as he spared his arms wide as though showing of some new outfit.

"Suites you" she rolled her eyes and picked up a piece of wood carving which Chakotay clearly hadn't finished with.

"so how does it look?" she asked taking another sip of her drink and turning the dark piece of wood round in her hand to examine it to try to work out what it was.

"Not yet Kathryn Janeway." He told her waving a finger in her face as though telling her off and then taking the wood from her hand.

"What?" she pouted as she felt a sudden crick in her back and her face distorted to show pain.

Moving towards her Chakotay lovingly took her shoulder from behind, gave them a quick massage, kissed her neck and guided her to sit down saying "When it's finished you get to see it." Then with a wink he moved away "not until then"

"I am too exhausted to try" she sighed leaning her head back on the rest of the chair, closing her eyes and rubbing her now extremely pregnant belly.

"well, I could do with a rest" Chakotay agreed looking at how relaxed Kathryn was though he was worried for her, all she seemed to do was sleep. "Dinner?" he asked but waited for a long while for her to reply. Thinking she must have fallen asleep he silently turned towards the kitchen.

"What are you going to cook?" came Kathryn's husky voice without her even opening her eyes to look at him.

Turning to her Chakotay smiled at her pure beauty, leaning in he gently stroked the hair from her troubled face, kissed he cheek and said "You just go sit down there and I'll replicate something."

After Chakotay brought two plates of egg fried rice in sauce he helped Kathryn sit more upright on the sofa as he joined her for a relaxed meal. Kathryn was quiet and he followed her lead thinking she must really have needed the rest.

Just when Chakotay had finished his plate and Kathryn had barely touched hers she speaks deeply without even looking at him "Chakotay I have been thinking."

"Oh?" he asked softly looking at her pain filled face knowing something was going to come next, something he probably wasn't going to like.

Taking a deep breath se turned to look at him and said in her husky voice "a few months back you once said that you thought I should tell Jack I am having his child, give him a chance to be involved."

"I did." She said stiffly without taking his eyes from her.

"Do you still?" she asked seriously.

Chakotay looked at her scrutinizing her for a long moment, it had been so long since he had said that, so long since he I thought it to be that he hadn't considered that within weeks of her due date she would consider bringing it up. He had said it and he had thought it, but that was before he had been engaged to her, before he had set a permanent home for them here together with this baby, he had spent the afternoon painting and decorating the nursery for this child, her child, he had even been carving the sacred birthing plaque of his tribe for the child. Somewhere in it all he had tried to convince himself this child was his. Truth was it isn't his child, could he really tell her not to inform the father. His morals and beliefs had always told him it was the right thing to do could he really ask her to go against it. "Do I still think that?" he asked slowly holding her worried gaze for a long moment.

"Yes" she nodded tilting her head to look deep into his conflicted eyes.

Hanging his head and breaking her gaze he told her deeply "that is not for me to decide Kathryn."

"What if I told him, would you stand by me." She whispered sounding so confused a vulnerable.

"Kathryn, you are my fiancé" he told her looking at her.

"That wasn't the question." He reminded him in her usual husky tone.

"Yes Kathryn I would." He said taking her hand as he sat next to her.

"I want to tell him" she said setting her jaw and holding his gaze with every look of assurance on her face.

"Very well" he nodded with an emotionless expression drawn across his own face. Could her really stop her now?

There was a long silence in which Chakotay battled with his emotions and what he knew was right. Kathryn looked at him when he didn't say anything or even look at her for a long while she whispered "you're quiet"

"Finish your dinner, I am done." He told her without looking at her as he stood, took his plate and moved towards the kitchen.

"Chakotay?" she whispered but he walked away without a backwards glance. As he marched upstairs she heard a loud thud from the nursery above, her eyes slid shut had she made the wrong choice?

Chakotay wrestled with his feelings upstairs and Kathryn with hers down stairs. This was not going to be an easy parenthood, both could see that but both wanted to make this work. This whole situation was difficult but somehow they would make it through. On his way down the stairs Chakotay was greeted by Kathryn stood by the front door struggling to get her coat fastened around her pregnant belly. "Kathryn? Where are you going?" he asked softly coming to her and cupping her face in his hand so she would look at him. Seeing her blue eyes fill with tears she wiped them away with his fingers.

"To see Jack." She told him in a broken whisper.

"What? Alone?" he asked crossly as he moved his hand to rest on her lower back in worried concern.

"Feel like coming?" she asked with a raised eyebrow as she met his eyes.

"You're not going alone." He growled taking his own coat and putting it on. When she stifled a snigger he looked at her and demanded "what?"

"You might want to change first." She said waving at his old clothes still covered in green paint.

Chakotay looked down at himself and then smiled himself. Looking up at her he wiped the smile away and said seriously "Don't move from here, I'll be two minutes I am coming with you." And with that he took off up the stairs.


	50. Chapter 50

Kathryn and Chakotay approached the apartment she had shared with Jack Lang several months ago. As Kathryn took a deep breath Chakotay saw she was worried "you don't have to do this you know." He told her taking her hand tightly in his.

Kathryn turned to him her blue eyes unusually bright set against her pale face "I want to, it was your idea."

"Yes" admitted Chakotay looking at her not trying to hide his concern "it was my idea months ago, I thought as the child's father he had the right to know."

Kathryn stood trying to understand what he was saying now, tilting her head she looked at him stood in the dusk night air. Drawing her brows together she asked firmly "you don't think he has a right not know now."

"No Kathryn it's not that" Chakotay told her placing his free hand on the large protruding bump "I suppose somewhere in me I started to see myself as- well-" he shook his head and turned away.

"Chakotay" Kathryn whispered in that way she reserved for only him. Taking his hand she placed it back on her swollen belly "you are the best father this child will ever have, I want you as part of that." When he turned to look at her face she whispered "I promise one day I will give you children of your own, a son to call Caleb but right now all I can give you is this." With that she looked up at the apartment block "Jack has the right to know, I won't lie to my child, one day it will know of it's true father and it's true father should know of it. "Kathryn if you do this I don't want differences between own children" he told her "I don't want it to be these ones are mine but that one is not"

Kathryn looked at him closely of course she had thought about that in some fleeting moment but it had never been said quite that way. He meant what he was saying Kathryn could see that. "Chakotay parenting is as new to me as it is to you, we will work it out together, but don't ask me to lie to my children." She told I'm in an almost command tone.

Chakotay had long since given up when he talked to her that way in personal situations. "Fine" he said softly "in that case let's go and see Jack"

"My mother wants to see us again soon" Kathryn said casually as they walked into the apartment building.

"We say her last week" Chakotay pointed out.

Kathryn's face broke into a tiny crooked smile as she said "She's afraid of losing me again"

Chakotay smiled his dimpled smile, kissed the top of her head and said lovingly "I don't blame her"

To which Kathryn only replied with a scowl before breaking into a smile and locking eyes with him. She maneuverer herself round, with a little help from Chakotay and kissed him on the lips gently as she said "Chakotay I love you"

Chakotay's heart skipped a beat, all those months ago when they had gotten engaged in the Jeffery's tube on Jupiter Station she had never said it and to his recollection she had never out rightly, by her own choice said it since. He looked into her eyes, smiled and in true Janeway fashion said "I know" to which she rolled her eyes, awaited his arm and whispered "were here"

The two turned to the door which they were stood outside, the apartment Kathryn had shared with Jack all those months ago. Chakotay looked at Kathryn but when she made no move to do anything he told her "I'll go first"

"Don't provoke him" Kathryn told him a slight hint of worry in her voice.

Chakotay squeezed her hand but made no promises and she banged his fist of the door. It was seconds later when Jack Lang swung open the door and looked completely taken aback to see Chakotay stood in his door frame. Chakotay slammed his hand on the door to stop him from closing it as he smiled a somewhat pleasant smile and said "I have brought somebody who wants to talk with you"

Jack looked freighted but his fear quickly went to confusion as he realised Kathryn was stood behind him, tough he could only see her face, Chakotay seemed to be purposely obstructing the rest of her. "Kathryn?" Jack stammered the confusion evident.

Kathryn held her head high, set her jaw and said in her command tone "it is customary to invite us in first"

Jack looked from Kathryn to Chakotay and asked firmly "is this some kind of trick"

"I assure you no trick" growled Chakotay "Kathryn is here to talk with you but let this be my only warning, if you do any more than talk, if you attempt to lay one finger on her you will not live to see anything but Starfleet Medical"

Jack looked fearful for a second as he heard the intensity to the darker man's voice he gulped hard and look to Kathryn who seemed unperturbed by her partners comment, the Kathryn Jack knew would have protested openly if she had disagreed with nothing that was said on her behalf. Jack turned to Chakotay nodded stiffly and said "understood" even Jack knew when he was beat.

Turning to Kathryn he found his composure and smiled a smile Chakotay didn't like very much as he said "well Kathryn you and your _friend_ should come inside."

"Thank you" Kathryn confidently smiled as she walked passed both the men and held her head up high. Jack wasn't sure what he saw but he had a fair idea. Following her into his apartment closely followed by Chakotay who closed the door behind him Jack looked Kathryn up and down, Kathryn who was now taking off her coat to reveal more clearly what he was sure he had seen. Jack looked at swollen belly she was now showing him to Chakotay, was this some kind of game? Deciding to play the higher man he smiled at her and said "I think it's customary for me to say congratulations" then turning from her he turned to Chakotay and gave a curt nod saying "so you got the girl after all" Chakotay merely stared at him in wordless response. "Gone shy on me?" Jack sneered "only last time you were here you had a lot to say."

"I am here because Kathryn wants to be here, nothing more." Chakotay said coldly.

Jack opened his mouth to sneer more but Kathryn cut across him "perhaps I should say Congratulations to you?"

Jack turned slowly from the firm dead pan face of Chakotay to look a Kathryn "me?" he questioned.

"this is your doing, not Chakotay's" it quite hadn't gone how she had thought it might, the mood in the room as a deep tense, Chakotay didn't trust Jack one bit and was keeping a steady restraint but Kathryn knew him, she knew one false move from Jack and Chakotay's restraint would snap. Kathryn saw now that really Jack didn't care for her. He circled her looking her up and down to disgust on his face clear.

Looking at Chakotay Jack said darkly "even somewhat attractive women become disgustingly fat when they get themselves pregnant." Kathryn spun round to let her wide eyes meet with his.

"Get myself pregnant?" she almost shrieked "it takes two if I recall"

Jack looked at her with disgust "didn't you use precaution you dumb whore?"

Chakotay stepped in and placed his hand protectively on Kathryn's lower back but didn't say a word. The whole time Chakotay didn't take his eyes from Jack. "Well I thought I did" she whispered shaking her head "but what about you, were your boosters not up to date?"

"I shouldn't have to be taking boosters, it's your responsibility if you go and get pregnant not mine." He spat at her waving his hand "what are you here for? Child payments? Like some begging whore" then his smile deepened in to a sneer as he leaned in and whispered "because I know how you beg, the great Kathryn Janeway on her hands and knees begging me to let her climax"

Kathryn narrowed her eyes at him but didn't attempt to deny his words. Chakotay fists clenched at the imagery of it but still he said nothing. It was Kathryn who spat out the next sentence "I came here to tell you off your child and offer you a chance to be involved as a father, nothing more nothing less."

"No thank you" Spat Jack which took Kathryn slightly aback. Jack turned to her said "you are a dirty little whore who was gagging for sex when you didn't take the proper precautions, that's not my problem." Then he looked at Chakotay as smiled saying "What my advice, keep well away from this slut, she's using you to provide for another man's child, don't fall for it."

"my involvement is my choice, as is yours" Chakotay told him "she is offering you as father the choice to be involved in your child's life, it seems you have turned her down in that case, we wish you well admiral. Goodbye."

"Don't say I didn't warn you." Jack laughed as he gestured towards the door "don't forget to take your whore with you."


	51. Chapter 51

Kathryn marched down the street without a word, her command march clearly visible even with the added struggle of carrying her baby nearly too full term. Chakotay followed her in hot pursuit, his anger raging. He tried to control his angry breathing as he came up behind her. "Please Chakotay don't say anything" Kathryn spat as she continued marching knowing he was just behind her matching her speed.

"Kathryn" Chakotay tried as he rested his hand on her shoulder to try to make her stop.

"Don't touch me" she snapped shifting her stance to get away from his touch.

Suddenly Kathryn stopped. Chakotay could see she was losing control. The night air was not the place for her to break down in her current condition. Though his anger raged within him he knew then he had to be secure for her, he knew behind the Admiral Janeway mask she was breaking taking a shaky breath he looked at her turned from him and fighting for control "Kathryn let's get home, I'll make you a nice drink and you can rest" he told her trying to sound calm "it's been a long day"

"You don't have to be nice to me" she spat as she continued to walk leaving him stood alone.

"Kathryn" he whispered following her.

"Don't Chakotay" she spat waving him away and Chakotay saw there in her face for the first time shame, real shame. She was ashamed.

Deciding she wasn't going to listen to him now the two walked in silence back to the transport station to their house. Once they arrived in the front door and Kathryn still hadn't looked at him he looked at her and whispered softly "do you want a drink?"

"No" she snapped and made towards the stairs. Then almost as an afterthought she added in a softer voice "thank you" she was half way up the stairs before she turned to him and added "I need a bath and then I am going to bed"

He watched her for a second fighting with his own anger and then started up the stairs after her "I'll run the bath you go into your room and get ready"

She watched him walk calmly towards the bathroom they shared. Turning slowly towards _her _bedroom she whispered in a broken voice "right"

"Kathryn" he whispered trying to reassure her as he reached out to cup her face with his hand.

"I told you don't touch me" she growled turning away and stepping into her private bedroom and slamming the door. As she leaned with her back to the closed door she looked around, her room looked much as it had the day she turned up and moved in all those months ago. Except now it was no longer Chakotay's guest room and it showed signs of having her living there but fundamentally it was the same, Chakotay's guest room. She slowly closed her eyes and let a tear flow. How had she got into this mess in the first place? She had just begun to feel relaxed stood there with her eyes closed when a loud thud hit the wall on the other side and she heard Chakotay call out.

"Damn!" he shouted loudly as he first hit the wall. His anger was still very much there and he didn't know where to direct it, the man he wanted to direct it at was smugly sat in his apartment and the woman he had hurt was the woman Chakotay loved very much and now even she was shutting him out again. Her command mask was the only way she had got through that awful conversation with Jack but now she wasn't lifting the damn mask to let him in.

Deciding that he would let her do what she wanted, have a bath and go to bed, maybe in the morning they would talk. Stepping into the bathroom and beginning to run the bath he decided to replicate some candles and really nice smelling soap for her.

The sound of the water running into the bath had meant that Chakotay didn't hear Kathryn enter the bathroom bare feet and only wrapped in a silk night gown. She placed soft hand on his shoulder which made him jump as he turned to face her "Chakotay what Jack said-" she began but almost couldn't get the words out as her pain filled blue eyes locked with his dark eyes "you know about me-" and then she almost spat the last word out like she was utterly disgusted with it "begging"

He looked at her for a long second, once again images he would rather not see filled his mind "It was true wasn't it?" he asked her in a deep voice.

"Yes" she nodded turning away, the same back in her face "Does that bother you?"

"it bother me that he used you" Chakotay whispered stroking her hair from her face so he could see her stood biting her bottom lip and refusing to look at him "it bothers me that he talked to you the way he did this evening"

She slowly turned her face to him "does it bother you that even now after all this time you and I-" the she stopped and looked down at the bath "we haven't" then almost as though she couldn't find any other words she shouted loudly in anger "hell Chakotay we still sleep in separate rooms"

"Kathryn, I told you when you moved in here, as long as you need no pressure" he told her taking her hand, he had always left it up to her to say if she was ready to share a room or not. He was quite prepared to marry her and not stay in the same room if she needed more time. Sure a part of him wanted her, he wanted to take her physically so very much but it was always on her, when she was ready and he had always meant that.

"My relationship with Jack was so much about sex I don't want that for us." She whispered with tears in her eyes.

"It would always be more than that for us" Chakotay told her pulling her into a tight hug as much as he could around her large belly. "It always has been" she stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head to give her honest reassuring as "at least I saw it as being so."

"You once called me a whore" she whispered grabbing tightly onto his clothes on his back as though not wanting to let go as she cried into his chest "_the whore of the Delta Quadrant_"

"That was wrong of me" he told her stroking her back.

"Jack called me a whore tonight" she reminded him pulling away from the hug.

"You are far from that" Chakotay insisted "you're a beautiful, sexy, intelligent woman" he smiled with his dimpled smile looking her up and down in her silk night gown.

"I'm fat" she pointed out gesturing towards her belly. "You heard Jack"

"Kathryn" Chakotay shook his head stepping in to stroke her protruding abdomen "you're not fat, and even if you were it wouldn't matter thin isn't the only way to be beautiful, beautiful comes from the inside, and you Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway are very beautiful."

She looked at Chakotay and knew he wasn't just saying that to make her feel good, he meant it. "I feel dirty" she told him with her command mask firmly glued in place, Chakotay saw it come like a sudden change on her face, if made him tense up as she said stiffly "if you don't mind Captain I am going to have a bath"

"Captain?" he growled challenging her. This was his fiancé stood before him in their shred bathroom wearing nothing but a silk night robe she really had no right to call him by his rank now.

"Please" she growled and he realised she needed this, this was her way of coping.

"Ok, but I want to see Kathryn come out this bath not Admiral Janeway" he told her firmly.

"I don't know the difference any more" she whispered just as he had turned to go out the door.

"no" he told her turning back to her and realising how deep the pain of she had carried was "no maybe not, but I do" he whispered feeling pain as he watched her "and I am going to help you" taking her hand he reassured her "together we can get past all that Jack has made us believe, all the lies and twisted mind games" he smiled "we can get past Seven and all the pain of or lives in the Delta Quadrant and all the anger and pain we both carry from our far off distant past's before we even me and together were going to raise this child to be as beautiful and as loving and caring" then he kissed her forehead "and as dignified as it's mother." Stepping back she gave her a new soft towel he had replicated for her "now here's your towel" and for the first time Kathryn saw all the little finishing touches Chakotay had added to her bath "see you in the morning" and slowly he turned and walked out the bathroom closing the door behind him.

Chakotay had been down stares in the sitting room only twenty minutes or so reading his PADD when he heard Kathryn call out "Chakotay!" he stopped and played down his PADD but waited to be sure he had really heard her "aright" she heard her call again "chako-" but something stopped her from calling.

"Kathryn?" Chakotay yelled as he charged up the stairs "Kathryn are you ok?"

"Chakotay please!" she called just as he made it to the closed door of the bathroom.

Realising he didn't know what to do, what would be the proper thing to do he knocked the door and called "Kathryn?"

"Arrrghhh!" she was shouting through greeted teeth "Oh no!" she shouted "Chakotay!"

Chakotay decided there was nothing for it, pushing open the door he went inside. The sight he saw shocked him "Spirits!" he gasped though in it all he had not imaged the first time of seeing Kathryn Janeway naked she would be in this situation.

"Well don't just stand there staring!" she yelled as she looked up at him wide eyed.


	52. Chapter 52

"Kathryn?" Chakotay asked as he rushed towards her placing his hand on her wet bare back to support her as she stood up then realising her didn't want to he felt uncomfortable as she put all her weight on him. Trying not to look at her naked form he looked at her confused as she called out in pain again.

"Chakotay its coming" she shouted "the babies coming" she gasped.

"Ok" he gasped pulling the plug in the bath and grabbing her towel to wrap around her wet market body. Brushing her wet hair from her face he took her hand and helped her out of the bath tub. "Can you get dressed?" he asked unsure really what to do, he knew as well as her the baby wasn't due for another month. Right then he didn't want to let his worry show.

"Help me?" she asked him wide eyed just before she called out in pain. Her contractions were coming fast, even he knew what that meant.

"Kathryn you need to be at Starfleet Medical." He told her as he hesitated but then changed his mind and let himself dry her with the towel. "Kathryn" he whispered softly picking up the night gown she had hung over the chair "you need to get this on and I need to get down stairs to comm the Doctor, ok?"

"Yes" she nodded taking the gown from him "thanks."

(+)(+)(+)

"Mrs Janeway" Tom gasped as he stood from his chair to meet the older woman who was walking towards him. He had not met this woman but he knew who she was from his younger days when his dad was friends with her husband as well as the fact that she was an older version of her daughter, the two looked almost identical.

"Commander Paris" she said in that same husky voice Tom had got to know so well and he knew from the tone that though to some it might sound as though she were annoyed there was in fact a hint of a smile in her words.

"Tom, please" he smiled as he offered a hand for her to shake.

The older woman's slender hand took his, and with it her blue eyes seemed to pierce into his soul just like her daughters did before she broke the contact and turned to the door next to which he had been sitting and asked "how is she?"

"She is still there" he sighed offering Gretchen Janeway a drink.

She smiled, took it graciously and took a sip asking "how long has it been now?"

"A few hours, I think it's going to be a while" with those words he gestured towards the chair for her to sit down.

"Chakotay, does he know?" Gretchen asked taking the seat.

"Yes" nodded Tom "he's in there with her, he keeps coming out every so often for a breath of fresh air, should I get him for you?"

"No" Gretchen smiled raising her delicate hand "that won't be necessary"

There was a moment of silence where nether Tom nor Gretchen knew what to say before she turned to him and said with a crooked Janeway smile "even at a young age I knew you would do well."

"Thank you ma'am" Tom said awkwardly.

"I'm not talking about Starfleet my dear boy, those children who have the unfortunate chance of being the children of Starfleet admirals have two ways to go, Starfleet or not." She smiled at him as he looked at her trying hard not to seem confused "take my two daughters for example" she continued "one became a painter and followed her dream in art and drama. She is now happily married with three lovely children traveling the universe to see its _beauty _and living of world with her husband and children."

"I am sure you are very proud." Tom smiled.

"Yes" smiled Gretchen "yes I am but you see Tom my husband Edward was not so happy with his youngest daughters choices, he wished her to be more like our eldest. A scientist, dedicating everything to Starfleet, and getting lost from home for seven years and coming back to be Starfleet's finest Admiral"

"I am sure you equally as proud?" Tom asked uncertain where this conversation was going.

"Kathryn has had much to face in life to get to where she is today" Gretchen told him "my point is Tom, you have done well for yourself, not because you joined Starfleet again but because of the choices you made in life."

"Thank you" Tom smiled.

"I know Kathryn is proud of you." Gretchen smiled "and I know she sees you and your wife as dear friends, I know this won't be easy for her, the children of Starfleet Admirals are very special breed's, they have to be you know that." The older woman told Tom taking his hand "there's another Admiral about to bring a child into the world." Gretchen told him nodding towards the closed door behind which Kathryn was in labour.

"And you want me to help her." Realised what she was saying "Of course I would"

(+)(+)(+)

"Doctor?" Chakotay asked exasperated running his hands through his hair.

Voyager's own EMH looked up at him "She's just sleeping Captain."

"She'll be ok?" The Native American asked breathing hard as he stood beside Kathryn's bio bed at Starfleet medical.

"Mother and baby are fine" The Doctor smiled at him "though I have to ask was Admiral Janeway under any stress, emotional or physical?"

"It's been a long day doctor" Chakotay nodded not quite committing himself to anything yet "why?"

"Something brought the labour on early" The Doctor pointed out "she looked worried and stressed and from what I understand she was in the bath, correct me if I am wrong but doesn't the bath relax Admiral Janeway?" The Doctor asked smugly.

"She was-" Chakotay was about to say embarrassed but thought better of it "experiencing a mixture of emotions, stress could have been one of those emotions" Chakotay admitted "evidently she was _trying _to relax in the bath."

"Hummmm" was all the doctor said as he ran the tricorder over her sleeping form "How have her sleeping patterns been of late?"

"I am not sure doctor" Chakotay said honestly "Kathryn has never slept well, she has suffered with insomnia from a long time before Voyager."

"Yes" the doctor admitted "I am aware of that I am referring merely to her seep the last week"

Chakotay rubbed his forehead worriedly and tugged on his ear "I am not sure myself Doctor" he replied honestly.

The Doctor thinking they shared a bed looked at the broad dark skinned Captain sceptically but decided not to pursue the conversation right then. Closing his tricorder the doctor told Chakotay "well nothing too much to worry about, she'll be sleeping for quite some time, a few hours at least, it wouldn't do to wake her. When she does wake she may feel some discomfort and pain, even modern medicines and dermal regenerators can't cure the most natural of pains, child birth."

"I noticed" whispered Chakotay resting his hand on Kathryn's sleeping shoulder as he looked down at her still flushed face.

"As for the child" the doctor smiled as Chakotay looked up at him "he is a healthy human boy, a little small, he will need to stay under observation for a while yet but he is a healthy baby boy." Chakotay looked at the Doctor as he said "you can meet him if you wish, it would be good for the child to have human contact in these early hours and with the mother asleep" the doctor said cautiously "I believe the honour is yours. Chakotay opened his mouth to protest as he looked down at the peaceful sleeping form of Kathryn but the Doctor put his hand on Chakotay's shoulder and said "I am aware of the lineage of this baby but I know for a fact Admiral Janeway see's you as the father more than anybody to may have contributed to his DNA, Captain, go to your son."

Chakotay looked at Kathryn's sleeping form, her turned to see the baby's cot in its own heated booth near the foot of her bed, the child he had watched her deliver minutes before now sleeping just as peacefully as his mother, the child until now he had tried not to notice lying there in the room. His son? He knew before he had tried to convince himself that this could be his son but Jack's words still plagued his mind. Chakotay knew he could walk away, this child could never be his yet on the other hand what the doctor said made sense it might not have been his DNA which made the child but it was Kathryn's, this was Kathryn's son. Chakotay felt Kathryn was so much part of him now, in a way she had been since the day he met her all those years ago on Voyager, how could he turn her son away? Chakotay found himself looking down at the child, so very pale skinned, blue eyed, and a wisp of curly blonde hair. Was this his son?


	53. Chapter 53

"Well?" Kathryn asked her blue eyes shining as she sat up in bed.

Chakotay turned to her and the light from the window behind him almost made a glow around him. It made Kathryn smile, there in his arms he cradled her son. Though the baby clearly had Jack's fair hair. The baby's pale skin and blue eyes showed little evidence of even trying to be Chakotay's child yet in his arms he held the tiny baby as though it were his own. It was the first time Kathryn had actually seen Chakotay with the child, though she had heard about it from others, heard how loving he was, how delicate, how beautiful it was to see Chakotay play the role of father to a child so very clearly not his. The was Sam Wildman told it he had actually had been proud to introduce her and Naomi to the baby. All this while Kathryn had been week and sleeping, small cuddles with her child was all she had managed every few hours. But now finally she felt well enough. Chakotay smiled his dimpled smile and said "Mother and baby are both clear to return home."

"Really?" Kathryn almost felt shocked. It had been only five days since she had given birth so suddenly to her child, she had expected it to take longer for them to have to stay in Starfleet medical due to the premature size of her son.

"Really" Chakotay smiled leaning in and kissing her lips gently "now, he wants his mother, I'll find him a blanket and then we can be on our way, I have the clearance papers here." As Chakotay handed her the child she had little time to protest. As she looked down at her tiny sleeping son in her hands wearing only his huge nappy she smiled. Chakotay's fingers brushed softly against the baby's cheek for just a second but it was a second long enough for Kathryn to fully realise what she had so very feared. Closing her eyes she thought back tears as she looked up to meet Chakotay's smiling eyes and whispered "he's so pale, his skin is almost white."

Chakotay could sense the pain and fear in her voice, he didn't want to fuel it "just like his mother's" Chakotay smiled drawing away. As he did so Kathryn reached out and grabbed his hand. Turning his copper brown hand over in her pale palm she whispered in a deep husky voice as she stared at his hand "not like you"

"No" he said slowly and honestly, what more could he say? "I'll get the blankets and you get ready, we have a little man to take home with us."

She watched him walk out the door and she smiled, he really was going to play the father for her son, she had feared the baby looking so unlike Chakotay would turn him off but Chakotay was clearly a more honourable man than she had given him credit for. Kathryn just wished deep down that her son _did_ look more like Chakotay.

(+)(+)(+)

"So how is motherhood?" B'Elanna asked as she watched Kathryn sip on coffee for what looked to be the first time in nine months when it was in fact the first time in five minutes.

Kathryn smiled "I get to drink coffee again, need I say more."

B'Elanna laughed and shook her head then gesturing to where Chakotay was holding the baby showing him to Mirral trying to get the older child to be gentle "I see Chakotay has fitted into the role of father just fine." B'Elanna smiled.

Kathryn looked over at the man she loved "he's been great" she told her friend "really Chakotay knows things about babies I don't have a clue about" then Kathryn laughed "and they have really warmed to each other, their almost inseparable"

"Kathryn most men would run a mile in his situation" B'Elanna reminded "especially with the baby looking so different."

Kathryn smiled at B'Elanna and took another sip of her coffee "well I made a promise to myself not to mention it, and he hasn't" she shook her head watching him "it's only been one night since we got home"

B'Elanna realised when she was told to change the subject "So now we can get you a dress of Voyager's decommissioning next week now there's no bump to get in the way." B'Elanna insisted giving her friend the Klingon you will do as your told look.

"Well I suppose so" smiled Kathryn.

"And it will be a great moment to show him off" B'Elanna added.

(+)(+)(+)

"What are you looking at me like that for?" Kathryn asked as she shifted on the sofa where she had been lying with her son to let Chakotay in to lie behind her and she rest herself on him.

"Nothing" he lied "you just look so peaceful and rested."

"Well it was nice having B'Elanna and Mirral round but it takes a lot of effort." Kathryn told him as she settled on his chest. Chakotay looked at her, she could see in his eyes something was wrong but he wasn't saying anything. She tried to look at him as he wrapped his arms around her and cradled the baby's head more efficiently. As she turned to look at what he was doing he took her hand gently and placed it below the child's head to give the proper support. Kathryn said nothing, nor did he, noting needed to be said.

After a while of watching her struggle to support the baby in the right way he smiled, brushed her hair aside and kissed her cheek as he whispered in her ear "you Kathryn Janeway stink of coffee"

She turned to him raised one eyebrow, bit her bottom lip and said "I am not the only one who's stinking"

He met her eyes for a second and looked at her lovingly as he said "no you're not" then looking at the seemingly content child in her arms he said "though I wasn't going to say anything."

"He's been like that since just after B'Elanna left." Chakotay looked taken aback, he took her shoulders in his hands and said softly "Kathryn that was nearly thirty minutes ago"

"I don't-" she shook her head "I didn't know-" closing her eyes she handed him the baby and said "because I have been so week you have always done it and well I don't-"

"Kathryn" he interrupted softly stoking her arm with his free hand "it's ok, don't worry." The with a smile he asked "are you strong enough to stand?"

She looked at him for a second, she hadn't understood reason for the question then it dawned on her what he was asking and she nodded. He guided her to stand up and took her to the make shift changing area he had made down stairs. Kathryn had been so week she had spent the night on the sofa so she had not yet seen the nursery Chakotay had spent days decorating, she made it her first priority when she was able to get up the stairs.

Allowing him to teach her how to change the nappy she watched as Chakotay wiped him before saying "you know Kathryn, you really should give him a name."


	54. Chapter 54

Kathryn looked down at her son sucking hungrily on her breast, at least she could do one thing right, and she could feed him. She was lost in thought about his beauty and his innocence, he knew nothing of the word, nothing of the pains of life, he knew her and he knew Chakotay. She could see her baby trusted Chakotay with everything he had, with his very being, and Chakotay? Well he was the same old Chakotay he had always been, there to take your screaming fits if he had to. She smiled as she looked down at the tiny blue eyes shining up at her, today was the day she was going to name her child and today she knew what she was going to name him. She just hopped it would go down well with Chakotay. She had been so lost in thought she didn't realised the baby had now finished his feed and was in desperate need of burping before he threw up all over her.

"Kathryn" Chakotay nodded to the child as he came over to her.

"What she snapped shaking her head in confusion as she pulled her top back over her exposed nipple which Chakotay had been doing a fine job at ignoring.

"He need's burping" Chakotay told her with a smile.

She set her jaw and told him "I knew that."

"Of course" smiled Chakotay taking the set opposite her.

"I am a Starfleet Admiral not a mother, I wasn't cut out for this." She sighed running her thin hands through her long hair.

"You're doing just fine" Chakotay smiled as he took her hands "did you remember our appointment with the Doctor today?"

"Yes" she hissed through gritted teeth, it was clear she hadn't but Chakotay just smiled.

"Chakotay" she whispered slowly in her husky voice "I have been thinking last night, what you said about a name"

"Yes?" he smiled looking at her "do you have one?"

"Well I was thinking you're so good with him and all-" she began and stopped not sure if she should say it or not.

"Yes?" he pressed on.

She smiled at her child reaching out and looking around with his blue eyes "I quite like the name Caleb and I thought-"

"You want to call your son Caleb?" Chakotay cut across her stiffly. Kathryn looked at him wide eyed shaking her head, this was not what she wanted to happen. She opened her mouth to say something but Chakotay closed his eyes and said deeply "I told you that was the name I wanted to give my first born son."

"Yes" Kathryn nodded tears forming in her eyes "I thought there was to be no distinction, mine and yours, I thought this is what you wanted."

"You thought wrong." Chakotay growled "in fact Kathryn did you think at all?" he demanded "did you think what a baby is really like? Jack was right why didn't you take your boosters?"

Kathryn pinched the bridge of her nose and let out an involuntary pained gasp before saying "I thought I did."

Chakotay closed his eyes and shook his head "I'm sorry Kathryn, let's not do this now I need some space."

"Space?" she asked feeling confused and alone.

(+)(+)(+)

Later that evening Chakotay found himself alone in the nursery, the nursery he had painted, decorated. The toys and cot he had hand carved for the child where still there, she hadn't even got up to see them yet, he would have done this for _his _son so why not name this boy Caleb? He wrestled with himself and his past for a long time in that room. Images of Seska taunting him with her son who she had claimed to be his filled his confused mind, that child was no more his that the baby down stairs with Kathryn was. "How dare she?" he hissed as he clenched his fist in anger. An image of Kathryn relaxing in a dark Jeffery's tube as he agreed to marry her flashed through his mind, he had known then she was carrying another man's child, if he wanted no part of it why did he agree to marry her. At that moment he agreed to marry not just her but her unborn child as well. Kathryn's naked image in the bath flashed in his mind, his hands on her wet bare back, her screaming, her fear, her shame. The beauty of her painful struggle to bring the tiny baby safely into the world. He was there, he held her hand for spirits sake. He looked into her eyes as he begged her not to give up and give just one push more. He was there as the baby's cry rung though the room, he saw the crooked smile form on his exhausted loves face as she too heard her baby's cry. He watched as her eyes slide shut as she flopped lifeless on the bio bed. He remembered his horror as he dreaded the worst, his heart beating hard as the doctor rushed in to scan her assuring him she was in some kind of exhausted deep sleep. He remembered shortly after that letting himself set eyes on the child, he remembered being disgusted at the fact he looked so pale, so unlike him. Not that Chakotay ever really thought the baby would look like him, tanned skinned and dark haired when both the parents were so pale and fair. He remembered forcing himself to see Kathryn in the child, her blue eyes, and her white skin. Chakotay knew he had made a choice then, a choice to pick up that child and cradle him in his arms. The child had opened his eyes and looked at him deep into his soul with his beautiful blue eyes. Blue eyes that reminded Chakotay so much of the child's mother and somewhere in him, from some place he hadn't thought possible from deep within his heart he had taken the child as his own. Why not now in a name? Kathryn was giving him the greatest gift of all, she was giving him her son. He felt angry with himself he had rejected her and thrown it back in her face to make him feel better. This situation was no more her fault than his, it was time they built a life together not push each other away.

(+)(+)(+)

Chakotay looked down at the tiny sleeping form in the cot, here they were again he and the baby with Kathryn asleep nearby. Taking a deep breath he picked up the child and as he did so the little boy made a sound that warmed right to Chakotay's heart. This little man needed parents, Kathryn was a fine mother but she needed help and he, he was all the dad this boy was going to get. The poor kid would just have to make do with him as a dad Chakotay smiled to himself because he wasn't going to leave mother and baby now. With a dimpled smile Chakotay looked down at his son in his arms and whispered softly "Hello Caleb"


	55. Chapter 55

"So does little Janeway have a name?" The doctor asked as he held the child like a prise possession.

Kathryn who had been trying to hold herself together since Chakotay had rejected the name of Caleb shook her head. She didn't look at Chakotay, she had been stubborn and because of that he hadn't tried to engage her in conversation since the discussion earlier "no doctor" Kathryn growled "not yet we have some idea's but-"

"Admiral" the doctor whispered softly "It has been nearly two weeks since his birth; you will be required to register him soon."

"Yes I am aware" she rubbed her forehead "it's been very busy just getting used to li-"

"We have decided to call him Caleb" Chakotay smiled taking Kathryn's hand lovingly. She turned to him and gave him a quick confused look.

"We have?" she gasped.

The doctor looked form one to the other before addressing Chakotay "with all due respect captain, the law will turn to the admiral for the decision, if you are undecided your choice cannot be taken legally."

"Doctor" Kathryn hissed "captain Chakotay _is _my baby's father, I do not care what DNA or the law tells me."

"I am aware of that I am merely pointing out th-"

"Well please don't" Kathryn told him in her best command tone "_our _son is to be called Caleb."

"Caleb" nodded the doctor looking at the child in his arms and said almost as an off handed comment said "meaning, Devotion, Whole Hearted" at the doctors words Kathryn who did not know the meaning of the name looked at Chakotay feeling like she wanted to cry. She knew how meanings of names meant so much to Chakotay and his culture and she had known he had one day wanted a son to call Caleb. When she had offered to call her son Caleb for him she had been thinking about herself, her own fear, worrying that she may never feel strong enough to give him the Caleb she had promised. She had wanted him to feel this son could be his and so offering to call him Caleb she wanted him to know he saw him as the father. She never imagined what she was really asking him to do when giving that name to her son.

"How is he?" Asked Chakotay without looking at Kathryn, fully aware she was staring at him with broken tears in her eyes.

"Growing at a remarkable rate" Smiled the doctor smugly "there is no cause for concern there."

"There?" Kathryn asked turning to the doctor trying to focus on what he was saying.

"Yes Admiral" the doctor said handing the child to his father and running a tricorder over her "my concern is with you"

"Me?" she asked suddenly stiffening into the Admiral's mask, even the doctor saw it coming.

"Yes admiral" the doctor said firmly "you went in to labour a whole month early, were you in some kind of stress that day?"

Kathryn shook her head "it had been a busy day, B'Elanna and I had gone shopping"

"I see" the doctor said with a smug raised eyebrow "Commander Torres's track record isn't much better."

"There were some emotional strains that evening; I was relaxing in the bath." She said choosing to ignore the Doctors words about B'Elanna.

"Well it hasn't helped you much" the doctor scowled at the as he ran the tricorder over her "I stress Admiral, you need rest"

"Doctor I am telling you I have done nothing but rest since Caleb was born." She hissed through her gritted teeth getting annoyed as she rubbed her forehead.

"and you will continue to do so for many weeks yet" the doctor informed her smugly "now I am aware the decommissioning of Voyager is scheduled for this Friday" When Kathryn issued him with her famous death glare he backed off and said "now obviously I am not going to order you not to go but I will order you to, as much as possible, try to relax during the evening." Kathryn opened her mouth to protest but shut it again when she saw the seriousness on the Doctors face. Turning smugly to Chakotay the doctor added "I mean it."

"I'll make sure of it." Chakotay tried to reassure him.

"Now another matter" The Doctor turned to Kathryn "how is the pain?"

"Sore" she said flatly. Chakotay who was now trying the carry the baby over his shoulder looked at her with real concern; she had mentioned no pain to him.

"I am aware of that admiral" the doctor was getting annoyed now "that is the nature of pain; I was merely asking if it had improved at all?"

Kathryn thought for a moment and then nodded "a little" than after a pause in which the doctor examined his tricorder readings she added "though if I walk it is worse for a few hours."

Looking at the tricorder readings the doctor shook his head; I see nothing more than strained post-birthing ruptures."

Kathryn groaned when Chakotay asked "ruptures doctor?"

"Yes" the doctor said to him as though he were stupid "as in tare, your fiancé will be out of action for some time."

"Thank you Doctor" snapped Kathryn raising her hand to make him stop talking not wanting the topic of sex to come up. "Can you do anything to help the pain or not?" it was back, her command mask tight in place.

"I can give you some pain killers, a hypo spray" he told her.

"Anything else to report?" Kathryn asked keeping a sideways glance at Chakotay who was getting clearly concerned.

"There is-" The Doctor began "another treatment we can use" the Doctor said awkwardly "there is a chance a cream will help you heal inwardly much quicker."

"A cream?" Kathryn asked with her left eyebrow raised.


	56. Chapter 56

**Firstly I would love to thank all my lovely reviewers for your encouragement and support for this story. Well it was supposed to be 8 chapters and here I am on chapter 56… I have LOVED writing it though; it has taken a while to get to the real Kathryn and Chakotay situation I wanted to face. I always felt there was something in Kathryn ready to crack and a weaker side was hiding just behind. I wanted to focus on the idea that Kathryn may have used her stronger side in a not so great way, or maybe that was just who she was and it was misunderstood. **_**The whore of the Delta Quadrant **_**situation has I feel a lot more to expand on as well as Kathryn's guilt and broken side. I am excited to explore that further and I hope you will all stick with me as I do so. **

**Secondly some of you have commented on how fast I have been updating, that I must say is not usual for me. I try to do a chapter every few days but work can sometimes be busy and I do have many unfinished stories I had to neglect due to life commitments. It is my aim to complete them all, which is why I am working on Timings Lost, first published over a year ago! The fact is I have had a few days of work to rest and have enjoyed playing with Kathryn and Chakotay during that rest. I must warn you though, tomorrow I am back at work and will try to update quickly but I assure you I won't get the speed I have been getting in, though it has been fun! – Thanks.**

"So Kathryn, you're in pain?" Chakotay asked with concern lacing his face as he held Caleb and tried to support her into their sitting room.

"Not a lot." Kathryn tried to wave him off "a dermal regenerator can't help fully to those kinds of internal wounds" she turned to him and smiled "but it's not too much that I can't get up stairs and see this nursery" She smiled turning to him and out of the blue cupping his face with her pale hand surprising him. "Finally" she added with a smile.

"Are you sure?" he said slowly taking her hand from his face and stroking her knuckles with his thumb.

She gave his hand a squeeze and said with a laugh in her voice "Yes I am sick of sleeping down here, I want my bed"

"Ok" he smiled back his dimpled smile as he led her towards the stairs still holding her hand.

"Wait" she stopped walking "I need coffee first."

"Of course." He laughed turning and heading to the kitchen leaving her stood at the foot of the stairs. Kathryn watched the way he walked with Caleb cradled in his arms, so unbothered by the child. She made a mental note to ask him where he learnt his child care skills.

"So Kathryn" he said balancing a mug of coffee in one hand which he handed to her, the baby in the other arm and the green tub of _cream_ the doctor had given to her "this looks interesting, it says it's more effective if a partner does it." His beaming smiled told her. Suddenly her face became the image of fear as she backed away from him; she was actually backing away from him. His heart skipped a beat as he placed the cream down on the table and whispered gently to her "Oh Spirits Kathryn it was a joke."

"It wasn't funny" she growled turning from him.

"No it wasn't sorry." He sighed resting a loving hand on her shoulder. When she made no effort to reply she decided it best to ignore what had just happened "Come on let's get up stairs then you can give Caleb a feed in his own room." He took her hand with a smile.

Kathryn told him as they reached the top of the stairs "I like Caleb"

"He's lovely" Chakotay smiled looking down at the now restless child in his arms.

"No Chakotay I meant the name" she laughed joining his gaze as she ran her fingers over his cheek she positively beamed at her child saying "he's nice too"

"I always liked the name Caleb" Chakotay told her as she leaned in to kiss her baby's forehead.

"I didn't know what it meant" se whispered looking up the let her emotion filled eyes meet with his as she asked holding back the tears "was the Doctor right, is that really what it means?"

"Yes" Chakotay nodded not breaking eye contact.

"Is it what he means to you?" She asked feeling the tear well in her eyes as she knew she couldn't fight them back.

"Yes" he said with great certainty and conviction "and it's what his mother means to me" he smiled leaning in and planting a gentle kiss on her lips. She didn't protest but she did stiffen.

"Hold my hand?" he asked reaching out his hand for her.

"Chakotay?" she asked drawing her brows together, when had he ever asked permission to hold her hand.

"I am asking you to hold my hand" he said gently. Slowly ever so slowly she placed her pale skinned hand in his out stretched palm "good" he smiled gently wrapping his lean tanned fingers around her tiny hand "now let's go to the nursery"

As he opened the door and she stepped inside she was stunned, the room was beautiful "Oh Chakotay" she whispered looking around "but it's beautiful"

"Glad you approve" he smiled almost proudly as he shifted Caleb in his arms he watched her, she was like a care free child again.

"Look at this" she laughed at an old stuffed bear resting in the cot then her eyes fell on the wooden cot itself and she leaned in to get a closer look at the tribal carvings "did you make this?" she asked softly still staring at its intricate design "Chakotay?" she asked standing to look at him, then slowly she looked around the room as tears flowed down her cheeks "you made all these things?"

"For our son" he nodded placing Caleb gently in the cot and taking her shoulders and making her turn to look at him, when he saw she was crying he closed his eyes and reached in to kiss each of her tear stained cheeks. She pulled him into a really tight embrace like she was afraid to let him go, Chakotay just let her and held her. When she finally did let him go she picked up an old twentieth century mettle toy train, she turned it over in her hand's looked at it, smiled and raised her eyebrows as she looked at him "well not that one, that's from Tom" Chakotay laughed.

"You don't say" she rolled her eyes and placed it back on the shelf where she had got it form.

Looking around she smiled "a chair" she laughed taking what felt like the comfiest see in the house.

"A feeding chair" Chakotay pointed out "for you, it rocks, you can sit and feed him on it before bed" he told her gently rocking her backwards and forwards in it.

"You made this?" she gasped realising what he wasn't saying.

Pulling at his ear awkwardly Chakotay nodded "for you"

"Chakotay" she found her husky voice saying.

"Sorry" he sighed thinking she was annoyed.

"No" she gasped realising what he thought. Standing she placed her gentle hand on his chest and met his eyes "no Chakotay, thank you"

"Your most welcome" he flashed his dimples at her as his eyes gazed at her lovingly.

The two held the others gaze for a long while just as Kathryn was relaxing and finding the courage to profess her love for him Caleb broke into a loud hungry scream. Closing her eyes, relaxing her shoulders and letting her lips break into a crooked smile Kathryn said in her deep voice as she rested her palms on his chest "Something tells me we have a screaming baby"

"You know Kathryn this is our life for the next eighteen years" Chakotay pointed out as he turned and picked up the screaming child from the cot.

"Are you wanting out already Captain?" she smiled her crooked smile, raised her eyebrows tried not to laugh as she folded her arms and looked at him.

"No but I am wanting you to feed the boy so he'll stop trying to go for my nipple" Chakotay asked shifting the struggling baby in his arms.

"I am going to do it right here in my chair" she smiled taking the Caleb from him and sitting down in the chair she began to lift her top covering her bra. Chakotay let out a loud cough and then quickly turned to exit the room "where are you going?" she asked sounding slightly horrified at his leaving.

"well I was going-" he stammered pointing at her pale white breast encased in a black bra "you-" he shook his head as she looked at him with her eyes but with her fingers was undoing the clasp on the cup of the bra "I was going to come back when you were-" but Chakotay never got to finish because there it was, her beautiful pearly white breast, a small mound but it was there. Closing his eyes and turning from her he whispered "Kathryn"

"What?" she asked feeling suddenly dirty as she helped Caleb find her nipple. "Sorry Chakotay, I didn't think I would disgust you." She told him sadly looking down at her son.

Chakotay spun round to look at her "No Kathryn" he whispered "that's just it, you attract me so much, the longing in me, the urge is too much." He let his eyes flow down, now her son was on her breast it seemed somewhat more natural, his senses relaxed and the desire in his faded to a less intense place.

She was watching him closely with a crooked smile "Please sit down, tell us a story" she asked letting her wide eyes meet his.

"A story?" he asked sounding confused.

"you used to have great stories on Voyager" she smiled looking with love at her son "a story for everything" she laughed shaking her head "I remember them all" she told him still not looking at him. She let her fingertip run down Caleb's tiny nose as he sucked on her breast "I want our son to hear them" she told him softly.

"You remember them?" Chakotay asked. He sometimes had used stories in a fight to show her what he was trying to say, sometimes he told her a story to make her see the world differently, sometimes he had used the most sacred of stories to try to tell her he loved her, to try to get her to open up to him. Sometimes in the night, when neither of them could sleep he had told her a gentle story of his people to pass the time. She had always listened yes, he had to give her credit for that but she never mentioned any of them again, often she acted like she hadn't really heard them and Chakotay had often wondered had she really listened.

"Scorpion, the eagle, the tale of the bear," she nodded wide eyed with memories but looking at her son not him. He watched her as she continued with a smile "The great Natchez tribe, an ancient legend among your people" with that she lifted her head and reached out to take his and, he met her fingers as he knelt beside her looking in to her eyes as she whispered "but my most favourite of all, the one you left for the darkest and latest of nights, The education Little Tree"

"you remembered?" he gasped, it was during his Little Tree stories he was least sure she was listening, Those were reserved for the nights he found her in the mess hall or wandering the decks. Little Tree was for the nights she refused to settle, then she had to check all her PADD's and have several drinks of coffee. Little Tree was for when she was pacing and rubbing her neck, or staring out the view port in the Mess Hall for hours on end. Not once had she acknowledged that he was even letting her a story, often she didn't even really acknowledge he was there wither at those times. Little Tree was the story he kept only for her troubled times but he was sure she never really heard it but still he told the story, doing so settled his spirit.

"all of them" she smiled cupping his face "especially the Little Tree ones" she whispered leaning in and kissing his tattoo "your culture is very beautiful, I want our children to grow unknowing it, I want their Spirits to be right with their ancestors like Little Tree's was" she laughed at his wide eyed shock "I used to love it when you told a story" then her smile turned into a pout as she looked away and told him "though not so much when you used it to illustrating your point in an argument like in Borg Space when you told the Scorpion story."

"What can I say?" he shrugged "it's in my nature" he laughed referring to the Scorpion story which made Kathryn smile.

"Your hear that" she shook her head and told Caleb "your daddy uses stories to confuse us into doing his will"

"An old maquis trick" he growled.

"I bet" she snorted shaking her head. Chakotay just sat there grinning at her "what?" she asked when he didn't turn away.

Chakotay deliberately let his eyes look her up and down, they lingered on her pearly white exposed breast for a while and then back up to her face as he told her in such a deep voice "you're beautiful"

"Don't Chakotay" she shook her head and turned away as her face flushed.

"What don't tell you the truth?" he asked then realising her same in her eyes he took her hand and whispered sadly "you don't see it do you?" when she looked back at him she whispered in such a deep voice "Marry me"

"What?" she laughed shaking her head "Chakotay we are already engaged"

"So if I recall you track record for engagements hasn't been great" he pointed out and said again "marry me" as he saw confusion creep into her face he clarified "marry me on Friday."

"Friday?" she almost jumped out her chair.

"Yes, why not?" he pressed.

"But it's so sudden" she said quickly trying to come up with something to say.

"It's perfect" to told her stroking her face "voyagers last official act, our wedding"

"You want us to marry at the decommissioning ceremony?" now she was horrified, what _was_ he thinking?

"Why not?" Chakotay asked seriously much to the fear of Kathryn "all our friends will be there, we'll get your mum there, and your sister could make it in if we tell her now" he ran his fingertip down her nose as she had done with Caleb as he whispered "it's perfect"

"But you heard the Doctor I have to rest and-" she began to frantically come up with an excuse which took Chakotay by surprise. She tried to get away from him, as she did Caleb was sick and all the white milk sprayed over her bare breast and nipple looking down she cursed angrily "Damn!"

"It's ok Kathryn here" he passed her a towel "Sorry" he sighed reaching in to help her clean up the mess "sorry it was a bad idea"

Kathryn still trying to get away began "I think may-" but her sentence was cut off by a look of fear.

Chakotay looked down and suddenly realised what had happened, in the confusion of trying to help her clean up the mess and pick up Caleb he had touched her nipple with his fingertips. "Kathryn, I didn't mean, I'm sorry" she shook his head standing quickly and making his way out the room closing the door quickly shut behind him. She was left sat there feeling awkward and ashamed.


	57. Chapter 57

"No way!" exclaimed Tom with the biggest grin on his face Kathryn had ever seen.

"Yes way!" Kathryn who was relaxed on her sofa with her feet tucked under her laughed "admiral Haze is approving it now"

"Who else knows?" B'Elanna asked feeling as excited as her husband.

"No one" Kathryn said in her usual husky voice "and you have to keep it that way, we want to surprise everyone"

"Oh Kathryn" tom hugged her where she sat "this is wonderful!"

Kathryn and tom always had a special relationship, Kathryn never knew how he did it bit tom was quite in tune with her feelings, almost like Chakotay. She smiled warmly at the younger man and told him "tom I have a favour to ask your dad" then asked "is he on planet?"

"Yes" tom told her not even trying to hide his curiosity about why she was asking "he's going to be at the ceremony"

"Great" she beamed but offered no more.

Closing her eyes Kathryn sipped on her coffee as she leaned back and relaxed. B'Elanna decided to change the line of questioning from her husbands and asked "so how are you feeling?" then added "physically?"

"Well sore" she admitted still with her eyes shut "but on the mend"

"When I had Mirral it hurt like hell for weeks after" B'Elanna didn't hesitate to growl at the memory of it.

"Great" hissed Kathryn softly rubbing her forehead.

"Not sure you're helping Lanna" tom added giving his wife a disapproving look.

"So does this mean the wedding night will be off?" laughed B'Elanna to which Kathryn mustered a small smile.

"Ladies please!" tom interrupted loudly.

"Dress shopping in the morning?" Kathryn asked going with tom's line of changing the subject, the less said about her ex life the better. Looking over at B'Elanna she realised he half Klingon friend was sat with her eyebrows raised and her arms folded staring at Kathryn. "What?" Kathryn asked in sudden defence.

"Our friendly EMH paid me a visit on Monday after you told him about our last little shopping trip." B'Elanna informed her coolly.

"I won't tell if you won't" Kathryn winked.

"Deal" nodded B'Elanna.

"That red one we saw" Kathryn smiled looking far off and longing "that could work now I don't have the bump" Kathryn smiled flattening her top over her now smoothly thin belly.

"Red?" B'Elanna exclaimed with a worried glance at her husband "you want to wear red?"

"Yes" she nodded with a smile on her face.

"But Kathryn wouldn't white be more appropriate?" B'Elanna asked softly.

"I have my reasons" Kathryn told her firmly.

"Kathryn" tom added uncomfortably "admiral ma'am" he added for good measure "some press articles paint you as the scarlet woman" he let his words sink in for a second before saying "wearing red to the occasion won't help"

"I don't care what others think" growled Kathryn waving his words aside "only what Chakotay thinks and right now I want to wear red."

"Red it is" nodded tom knowing when not to argue with Kathryn Janeway "so Caleb?" he asked quickly "why Caleb?"

"It's a name I like" she shrugged.

"You expect us to go with that?" B'Elanna spat clearly knowing there was more to it than that.

"It was Chakotay's choice." Kathryn smiled a warm smile.

"Chakotay?" gasped B'Elanna "wow Kathryn" knowing this was for both of them the ultimate letting the other in.

"I liked it so at least we were in agreement." Kathryn added casually.

"Naturally" tom laughed.

"Where is Chakotay?" B'Elanna asked looking around the room as though he might just appear from behind the furniture.

"At work" Kathryn laughed "he says that some of us get to lie around drinking coffee but others have to go earn the keep" as though on target she took a gulp of her coffee to finish it. Looking at B'Elanna grinning wildly at her she looked side to side with her blue eyes and asked "what?"

"You're glowing" B'Elanna informed her smugly.

"I am?" Kathryn asked slightly embarrassed.

"Your smitten aren't you?" demanded the half Klingon.

"I remember those days" tom joked "then reality kicks in"

"A family on Jupiter station too boring for you fly boy?" B'Elanna growled at him in pretend annoyance.

"Oh it's just like being back on Voyager" he smiled in a way Kathryn couldn't tell if it was a good or bad thing or not.

"Sorry admiral for my immature husband." B'Elanna rolled her eyes turning back to Kathryn. 

Kathryn raised her hand and shook her head saying with a smile "not at all"

"So how are you finding motherhood?" tom asked collecting their drink mugs and taking them to the recycle.

"Well to tell you the truth I don't know" sighed Kathryn taking from tom the fresh mug of coffee he had just recycled for her "one moment I feel like I am on top of it all, the next I'm sinking with a screaming baby in my arms"

"Kathryn this is your first child, nobody is a parent overnight" tom reassured her sitting next to her and placing his hand on her knee.

Kathryn thought for a long moment and placed her hand over the top of her coffee mug and whispered "Chakotay seems to be"

"Chakotay grew up looking after the young." B'Elanna told her as though this explained it all. When both tom and Kathryn gave her a confused look she carried on "he has a special spiritual connection to the young and innocent."

"Spiritual connection?" tom asked in a sarcastically confused way bit Kathryn couldn't help been more interested by her friends words.

"His people see the children as true blessings" B'Elanna told them. When they both looked at her confused she added "he told me when I first shrugged with the possibility my child would look even remotely Klingon"

"What does this spiritual bond mean?" Kathryn asked waving her hand dismissively to show she really didn't understand.

"The spiritual stuff is deep within Chakotay's core. What he sees when he looks at a child is a spiritual connection that only Chakotay can explain but effectively" B'Elanna paused wondering if this was her place to tell Kathryn but took a deep breath and continued "every boy put forward to train as a warrior must learn to change a nappy" at this Kathryn looked as though she was fighting to keep her emotions on check, fighting back tears as she looked at B'Elanna. She had always known the bond Chakotay and B'Elanna held, Chakotay had plucked B'Elanna literally from making a hell of her own life their friendship was deep she knew if Chakotay had shared this with B'Elanna it would be sacred and real. "Kathryn Chakotay is not a warrior through skill and precision alone, Chakotay is a warrior by understanding the world around him on a deeper level." B'Elanna insisted willing her dear friend to understand.

Kathryn looked wide eyed at the half Klingon, it all made sense now, the world Chakotay had longed to give her and dedicated the last ten years of his life to give her was a life of pure openness and a beautiful connection beyond anything science had ever given her and it was all there lain before her. "The education of little tree" she whispered, of course he had given it to her in the most trying time in her struggle in the delta quadrant.

"Kathryn?" it was B'Elanna's turn to be confused.

"Little tree, he's a boy who learns to know the rocks and claim them as his brother." Kathryn said almost as though this was a normal thing to say.

"The rocks?" B'Elanna questioned thinking her friend had gone mad.

"It's an old story" smiled Kathryn "told to children I suppose, even little tree who longed to be the strongest hunter and most honoured warrior had to find a home with the world, only then could he find true honour."

B'Elanna nodded "for Chakotay the most preciously spiritual thing is to change Caleb's nappy or mop up his sick"

"How do you know that?" tom asked.

"Well fly boy he explained it when Mirral was born. To him Voyager is his tribe, Mirral and Naomi deserve a warrior to teach them the way of beauty" B'Elanna told her husband then turned back to Kathryn and said "that's how he put it" then with a smile she added "in short we get a free baby sitter."

"Where is Mirral now?" Kathryn asked.

"Sam and Naomi are staying at ours, she's at home with them they came for Friday night" tom told her.

"Arr" smiled Kathryn.

(+)(+)(+)

"Hay" smiled Chakotay as he came into the sitting room as took a seat beside his very soon to be wife.

Kathryn turned to smile at him as she leaned in and kissed him leaving him with the smell of coffee as she asked "so how was your day?"

"not too bad" Chakotay smiled "a room full of eager cadets wanting to know about captain Janeway's infamous alliance with the Borg." gently he placed a hand on her soft silky hair and let his fingers run through it as she gave a heavy sigh at the memory. Chakotay was just pleased she didn't stiffen or pull away from his touch, casually as he asked "what are you reading?"

"Dante's inferno" she replied closing to old book for him to see the cover"

His dimples flashed as he took the book from her and turned it over in his hand asking "you're reading a book your last fiancé gave you?"

"Well my current fiancé has kept it in his book case, where I found it, for around seven years."

"I had every intention of returning it to you." Chakotay insisted.

"Sure" Kathryn shook her head with a smile. "Tom and B'Elanna came for a visit."

"Oh?" Chakotay asked "sounds nice"

"I let them in on the plan for Friday" Kathryn smiled "they approve" she told him giving his hand a squeeze "and Caleb and I had a heart to heart"

"Oh?" Chakotay asked as he stood to replicate himself a cup of tea "sounds to me like you have been busy" he smiled his dimpled smile.

"Well I could do with a rest now if I'm going out with B'Elanna and mum tomorrow" she dropped in casually as she padded bare foot towards him, wrapped her arms around him and whispered "I should go check on our son, come with me? Tell us a story a little tree story?"

"Kathryn" Chakotay smiled "I told you many little tree stories on Voyager and not once did you ever knowledge them, I thought you weren't listing"

Kathryn flashed her blue eyes at him saying "well it shows how little you knew me" then the two broke into a smile as she embraced him and traced his tattoo with her finger "one day will you tell me of your people?"

Chakotay looked into germ eyes, took her hand and kissed it saying "one day, but today I will tell you of little tree"


	58. Chapter 58

"Harry relax" tom joked winding him up "you've been off world there is a lot you need to catch up on"

"Why is seven dating ensign Hickman?" harry really was confused now. He hadn't been on earth since Chakotay's promotion, things can't have changed that much could they?

"They been working together on the Borg integration project on Jupiter station, so they got close" shrugged tom not aware what was causing his friends alarm.

"Did Chakotay and she split?" harry looked at his friend confused.

"ok harry boy I knew you have been off on your adventures but surely your more up to date than that?" tom said sarcastically patting his friend on the back.

"Apparently not" sighed harry looking around the room.

"Hay boys" mike ayala patted his two friends on the back smiled excitedly at them.

"Oh hi mike" muttered harry feeling put out that he didn't know all the information.

"How's it going harry how long are you on earth for?" mike asked happy to see his old friend.

"just till next week" sighed harry, he was missing everyone on earth and was beginning to think that perhaps it was a bad idea going straight into deep space so soon after Voyager.

"I can't believe they are really going to do it" mike shook his head looking around the corridor down which the three were walking towards the mess hall.

"What?" harry asked wondering if yet another thing he missed.

"Decommission Voyager" mike said firmly as they stepped into the crowded mess hall they knew so well.

Mike looked around and said sadly "there are rumours the admiral is set against it"

"Who told you that?" tom spat at his friend.

"Come on tom look around you" mike said waving his arms around "do you see her?"

"No" tom said stiffly.

"Because she isn't here!" mike hissed to them both "admiral Janeway has refused to come because she is against it"

"You don't know that" harry said flattening down his black suit jacket. Suddenly

Realising if admiral Janeway was against it he wasn't sure he wanted to support it.

"Why else isn't she here?" mike pointed out folding his arms smugly.

"Maybe she's late" tom added trying not to say anything that would give the surprise away.

"I don't know tom" harry said sceptically to his friend "when did you last see her?"

"What?" tom asked taken aback by the question.

"Harry's right" mike agreed

"Guys" tom shook his head wanting them to stop speculating. Especially because Chakotay was making his way towards them.

"rumours have it admiral Janeway hasn't been in her office for nearly four months and Starfleet have confirmed that all her assignments for to near future have been given to admiral pool" mike said smugly "admiral Lang has refused comment on anything to do with admiral Janeway." he finished just as Chakotay arrived behind him "in short nobody has seen her for months"

"Nobody has seen who for months?" Chakotay's deep voice growled calmly causing harry and mike to turn in surprise.

"Captain" harry stammered standing to attention, realising this kind of speculating about Kathryn was not good around Chakotay.

"at ease harry" Chakotay waved him aside with a smile as he turned to mike and asked calmly "you were saying mike, nobody has seen who for months?"

"Chakotay you must admit it's a little odd about admiral Janeway?" mike pointed out looking around the room where every crew member of Voyager was now gathered, all but Admiral Kathryn Janeway.

"Odd?" Chakotay asked his dear maquis friend seriously though tom could sense a hint of a smile in his words. He was enjoying harry squirm.

"Mike and harry here were just speculating in her whereabouts" tom added to the conversation.

"You were?" Chakotay asked giving harry a none impressed look.

"Is she coming this evening?" harry managed to stammer out at Chakotay. If anybody knew it would be him.

"Admiral Janeway will be at whatever engagements she sees fit to attend" Chakotay stated me a calm dead pan voice.

"Chakotay we know you and we know her" harry told him "we know that means no and we know if anybody knows where she is it would be you"

"You would all do well not to speculate" Chakotay growled sternly.

"Chakotay?" mike asked. Though mike had come to respect Starfleet and respect Kathryn he was one of the few maquis who had never embraced it as their way and had left Starfleet not long after Chakotay's promotion and so never saw fit to call his friends by rank.

"Captain, I heard she died" harry whispered "on mission in relation to the enterprise incident"

Chakotay's eyes darkened and his fists clenched as he turned fully to harry causing to young man to gulp "I assure you admiral Janeway, as far as I know, is very much alive and she will make known her whereabouts when she sees fit" Chakotay spat in a mixture of a hiss and a growl. "You would all do well not to speculate"

"Captain when Voyager returned she was in constant communication with all of us but in the last year we have heard nothing." Chakotay pointed out.

"The admiral is an extremely busy woman" Chakotay said pulling his ear awkwardly giving tom a glance.

Harry never had chance to reply because throughout the crowded mess hall admiral haze's voice rung out saying "ladies and gentlemen, Voyager's crew, honoured admirals"

"Excuse me" Chakotay nodded swiftly at harry and then was gone.

"welcome to this honoured event" admiral haze continued "today we gather to decommission a fine ship" he raised his hands to gesture to the bulkheads "a ship that carried all of you home" the with a smile he couldn't hold in he added "but first there is one other event that Voyager must stand too" then looking around the room he asked "captain Chakotay?"

"Thank you admiral" Chakotay smiled his dimpled smile as he joined the older man on stage. Turning the crowed Chakotay addressed those around him "honoured admirals, my fellow voyagers" then turning to face the older woman sat on the front row beside a younger woman who looked a younger, darker haired Kathryn with two red headed, blue eyed children. Addressing the older woman Chakotay nodded and said "Mrs Janeway"

"Is that admiral Janeway's mother?" harry leaned in and whispered to mike.

"Must be" mike replied looking up at Chakotay, he couldn't help thinking something didn't feel right.

"Tom?" harry turned to ask his friend but suddenly he wasn't with them.

"Seven long years we served together and seven long years we grew closer under the guidance of one woman, one captain who set a course for home and never looked back." Chakotay continued with a smile as the Voyager crew cheered "now I have heard much speculating on the admirals whereabouts and I feel it should be her making Voyagers decommissioning speech so I'll shut up before she accuses me of taking her place." everyone laughed "never, of course for I a mere first officer would always give the floor to my captain" Chakotay reassured them all with a wink as he added "which brings me to a certain betting pool" there were slight murmurings as he surveyed the crowd and told them "and don't a single one of you deny knowledge of it." with that even more murmuring as Chakotay called "tom?" as the tall younger man came on stage Chakotay asked him "if we get this show on the road who wins?"

"well you see, captain Janeway as she was then placed her bet" tom told them all with a huge grin as he took a PADD from his pocket saying to Chakotay "maybe I'll read her words?"

"Please do" nodded Chakotay to give the younger man the floor.

Tom set his jaw wiped the smile of his face and talked with a deep voice so like Kathryn's "Mr Paris it has come to my attention you may be holding a betting pool for the date in which Mr Chakotay and myself are seen kissing by a crew member of this ship?" with that tom took a glance from his PADD before adding "I do not, repeat do not find this at all appropriate, perhaps you care to tell me how this is appropriate?" then tom smiled and said in his usual voice "to which of course I didn't reply, anyone who stood in that ready room and stared down the admirals death glare knows what I mean" you which every Voyager crew member laughed or cheered "so she continued" to informed them as he once more took his PADD "I assure you tom that will happen only within minutes of my Marrying him." to which the crowed whispered to each other as tom added him in usual voice "so there you have it, I had no choice but to take her words as a bet." giving a little shrug at turning back to Chakotay.

"that sounded to me like a challenge I could not refuse" Chakotay stepped forward much to the Voyager crews astonishment, some cheered others whispered to each other as Chakotay added "and as Kathryn would say, an admiral always wins" Chakotay let the crowed whisper and speculate for a while before turning to a side corner of the mess hall and nodding "commander Tuvok?" the tall dark skinned Vulcan stood and walked toward the stage accompanied by cheers from his Voyager crew happy to see him well again "welcome back" Chakotay nodded greeting Tuvok as he stood beside him.

"Thank you captain" Tuvok nodded showing no emotion.

"You don't think?" harry turned to mike wide eyed with surprise just as Tuvok said his next sentence.

"Please all stand for the arrival of admiral Janeway."

"No way!" exclaimed harry as he turned to see Kathryn.

There she stood in the door way of the mess hall. A beautifully tight fitting silk red gown flowing from her bare freckled shoulders. Her auburn hair in loose ringlets down her back which was equally as bare with red silk ribbon which crossed over her back and into a halter neck which held up her elegantly revealing dress at the front. In her hand she clasped a delicately beautiful arrangement of pearled peace roses. "Hi everyone" she beamed as B'Elanna stepped in behind her. She glanced at Chakotay who took a step down to look at her as he stood just in front of Tuvok. Turning back to the crowed she asked "how you all doing? it's been a while" raising one hand ahead said in a deep husky voice "I asked Voyager and she didn't mind so I hope you don't either?" with that she turned back to look at Chakotay as B'Elanna straightened her dress "please give me ten minutes of your time" with a wink she laughed "I have a bet to win and a man to marry" with those words the crowd erupted into cheers.

"Is she really going to marry him?" harry asked looking at mike "it's not one of tom's ridiculous jokes?"

Gentle music filled the room and Owen Paris stepped up to take her arm. Mirral and Naomi appeared throwing rose petals up the parted isle as they ran toward Chakotay and Tuvok "looks to me like she's going to marry him" mike whispered as Kathryn and Owen began to walk towards Tuvok and Chakotay closely followed by B'Elanna who two held a single peace rose.


	59. Chapter 59

Kathryn and Chakotay didn't break eye contact was she walked down the isle "hi" she whispered to him in her deep husky voice as she came to stand by her very soon to be husband.

Chakotay wrapped his arm around her and leaned in the plant a kiss on her lips "not yet" she scowled ducking and pushing him away "if we do it now I won't win" she snapped, her voice lined with a laugh.

"You always win" Chakotay told her raising his hands in surrender. His dimpled smile showing as he winked to the crowd.

"Exactly" she said smugly placing her hands on her hips "glad you agree" to which the whole Voyager crew laughed out loud.

"But mummy what about Caleb?" Mirral whispered to B'Elanna.

"Shush dear, when they are ready" B'Elanna told her giving her daughter a look to make her be quiet.

It was Tuvok who spoke next to the silent crowd "we are gathered here today to witness the union of these two people, Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway with Chakotay." He said in his stoic way "they have asked if they could exchange some vows." Then turning to Chakotay he nodded "Mr Chakotay?"

Chakotay nodded to Tuvok respectfully, though he himself had never had a great relationship with the Vulcan Chakotay recognised the steady friendship and guidance Tuvok had given to Kathryn even long before he himself had even met her "ten years ago I was an angry warrior and a path of hate and destruction" Chakotay told Kathryn taking her hands lovingly in his, he could feel her trembling though she smiled lovingly at him. Chakotay saw no fear in her eyes, only love. "a beautiful woman warrior was sent to capture me" he told her seriously running one hand up her soft arm "but little did either of us know we would be flung so far from home it not only kept me out the brig it gave me a time to find myself again" they didn't break eye contact as he continued telling her "and I find love in the forbidden fruit so to speak" he stilled his hand from "in that I found the man of honour and restraint I once was" he leaned in so only she would hear as he said "no longer would I take my woman as a prise I would wait for her to give herself whole heartedly" and he growled seductively "and hay did she make me wait"

Kathryn looked at him with love. His last words made her break into a crooked smile as she told him "you were and are my champion, my protector" tracing the lines of his tattoo so publically she told him "you are my maquis angry warrior" then her eyes filled with tears as she said "you carried my burden and made it lighter" then leaning in so only he heard she finished up "I knew you would wait for me."

"To the ends of time" he growled back.

As Chakotay once more leaned in to kiss her and claim for his bride he wriggled free and shook her head saying "two minutes longer" then hands on hips "your ruining my great win"

"Of course sorry" he nodded stepping back.

"Tuvok?" Kathryn asked turning to her old friend.

"Mr Paris?" Tuvok asked much to Kathryn's surprise.

Tom stepped forward and pressed something small in Chakotay's hand "Kathryn" Chakotay whispered "it would be my honour to place this on your finger" he held up a beautifully carved golden ring.

"Thank you" she smiled handing him her left hand. He slipped it on her finger.

"By the power vested in me by the united federation of planets I now pronounce you husband and wife." Tuvok announced.

"May I?" Chakotay asked leaning in and holding his mouth centimetres from hers as he wrapped both his hands on her skin on her back.

She nodded at him, now she was desperate for it, and so was the crowd and he knew it. Feeling playful he shook his head at her "well now Chakotay"

The Voyager crowd erupted into cheers and whoops as he slowly and gently teased her lips and body into falling into him. Kathryn had never felt anything so sensual in all her life. Chakotay's hands found her back and ran their way under her ribbon straps forcing her tighter to him as her small pale hands ran though his jet black hair. Finally she parted from him, caught her breath and whispered "and that is what they call an epic win"

"An admiral always wins" he winked at her.

Kathryn clasped Chakotay's hand in hers and turned to tom and asked in her best admiral's voice "so what do I win?"

Tom looked at her with a smile and said simply "Chakotay ma'am"

Kathryn turned to Chakotay who couldn't keep his eyes of her freckled shoulders; there were no freckles at all on new earth. Kathryn looked Chakotay up and down before turning back to tom and saying "my prise is very nice and all, but I am sure other betters were not going to win Chakotay just because I kissed him" the Voyager crew laughed, even Chakotay as he placed her hands on her hips and issued the poor man her famous death glare which caused her crew to cheer.

"Well you do win replicator rations from the whole crew" tom told her awkwardly "but not sure you need them now"

"Nice to see my fair and equal ration system on Voyager was respected" she hissed her voice laced in a smile, she loved playing to her audience."

"It was a fair betting system" tom told her "we had an officer referee to make sure nobody got addicted or in debt of any of the other gambling problems of the twenty firs century"

"Who dare I ask was this officer?" Kathryn growled turning to the man she was still holding hands with.

"What can I say Kathryn?" Chakotay shrugged "I always like to protect the underclass and it was good pay, I had coffee to buy to keep my captain happy."

"Get out of here" she laughed as she shook her head following him to the door with cheers from the crew. Just before they exited to go into the room next door she turned back to the crowd and said in a deep voice "think on this, I could have taken Chakotay any time I wanted as could I have taken each and every one of your rations for my coffee but I didn't" with that she smiled and winked at them before saying "or did I?"

Before they replied she was out the door and into the next room which was once a weapons locker. Now it had sofas and a replicator designed quickly to accommodate her need for rest that evening.

Kathryn sunk into the sofa and closed her eyes. A smile on her lips. Chakotay looked down to where his wife sat and smiled "you look stunning"

"thanks" she smiled still with her eyes shut relaxing.

"Red dress?" he asked sitting next to her and brushing the silk with his fingers as he looked at her with love. "Is this in protest because they wouldn't let you wear your admiral's uniform?" Kathryn's shot open to stare at him hurt evident for him to see "Kathryn?" he asked wishing he could take back what he had just said.

"I have a right mind to slap you" she hissed and he knew by the look in her eyes she meant it.

"Not a great start for our marriage, sorry" he said softly tugging on his ear awkwardly.

Kathryn looked at him, took his hand and smiled a beautiful smile she told him proudly "kinyata" he looked at her confused. What she said was not in federation standard and the universal translator hadn't picked it up. "Maybe?" she said clearly feeling awkward as she turned from him in embarrassment.

Chakotay looked at her and stared at her dress. She was beautiful, his beautiful wife. Just like he had always imagined her to look on their wedding day. Long ago he had dreamt her marring him in a red gown but his images in his mind of her as his bride had long since been replaced by a flowing white dress and vale. It was then he finally understood what she was saying, how she knew he was not sure. Taking her face in his hand he gently made her look at him as he whispered with love "kitsinyata" her eyes shone as he said the word and Chakotay knew that's what she was referring too. Chakotay's heart beat in his chest as he looked at his beautiful bride in the silk red gown. She had been trying to speak his native language, the beautiful language of his people. He had not shared many of his native words with anybody, it was a language so sacred to his people but there she sat, his bride and it brought joy to him to realise what she had done for him. "The bride in red" he translated for her. He blue eyes filled with her own love and her tiny mouth broke into its trade mark smile as he whispered "the bridal colour of my people" when she said nothing else just looked at him he looked down at the elegance of her red dress and asked as his eyes filled with tears "how did you know that?"

"You told me once" she told him softly.

"I did?" he questioned looking at her in surprise as their eyes met.

"On shore leave on the derniri home world" she nodded.

"I did?" he said again his confusion evident as he tried to remember the Derniri.

"In a market, I was shopping for a bed blanket" she said softly, then she laughed and shook her head "you came  
>with me to protect me, so you claimed" their stolen moments together are shore leave would always be special to their relationship. As would the excuse they used for them.<p>

The memory of it flooded back to Chakotay instantly "there was a red dress" he whispered looking at her with a half surprised smile.

"You told me one day you hoped to kiss a bride in a dress like  
>that." she nodded smilingly herself. Then gesturing to him with a laugh she added "when I pointed out it was red"<p>

"I told you about kitsinyata" he finished her sentence. Then he stared at her dress, love and surprise still evident his broken whispered question "you  
>remembered?"<p>

"I remember most things you say to me" she informed him smugly.

"But I didn't even think you were listing" he told her very surprised. At that time she had given every air that she was paying no attention at all.

"You told me how you wanted your bride to wear red, of course I was  
>taking mental note." she informed him, hands on hips, shining blue eyes and a crooked smile. As she relaxed next to him his heart thumped harder when she crossed one leg over her knee. For the first time that evening he saw the elegant red gown was deceptively revealing as a slit ran nearly all the way up, he legs where bare and very much on Show.<p>

Just then there was a ring of the door chime which threw Chakotay from what he was thinking. All the images of him wrapping Kathryn from that silk flew from his mind as she called "enter"

"Excuse me" Hannah Kathryn's aid intruded with a smile.

"Hannah" Kathryn stood and embraced the young woman who she hadn't seen in a few months "lovely to see you again"

"And you" Hannah nodded struggling with the tiny wriggling bundle that had been her charge during the ceremony.

"How is he?" Kathryn smiled taking her son from her.

"Hungry" Hannah smiled awkwardly. When both Kathryn and Chakotay looked at her with their own smile Hannah added "well congratulations, see you later" as she backed out the door.

"Thank you Hannah" Chakotay added with his dimpled smile before the doors shut behind her.

As Kathryn stroked her sons pale face she saw the ring on her delicate finger "you got me a ring?" she whispered looking down at it.

"You deserve a ring" he told her standing behind her and running his hand over the soft skin of her arms as he gently kissed her freckled shoulders.

"I didn't know" she told him "it wasn't in the plan"

"I changed the plan" he brushed her long hair over her left shoulder and nuzzled behind her right ear with his teeth gently biting her seductively.

"It's beautiful" it's beautiful she turned away, sat down facing where he stood before her. She unclasped the dress above her right breast and let the silk fall to reveal her snow white breast as she guided Caleb to feed. Chakotay couldn't help grinning at her. "What?" she demanded.

"A dress that is convenient for breast feeding" he smiled kneeling on the floor before mother and child.

"I'm a Starfleet admiral, a wife and a mother" she winked at him "I have it  
>all sorted." <p>

it took Chakotay aback to hear her say the word 'wife' but then he smiled "well my wife" he leaned in and kissed the top of her cleavage as he rested his hands on her naked thighs "at least I know how to get what I want quickly later." his seductive voice rung in her ears. She didn't reply or respond she just stared at her son innocent in life. "Love you" he told her letting go and leaning away from her.

"Love you too" she told him. Chakotay watched the emotions in her eyes as she thought for control "now coffee?" she managed to ask.

Chakotay laughed, she still had struggle admitting her love for him though he knew it was real. Standing up he replicated her the drink and handed it to her.

"Thanks" she looked at him and smiled as she took it.

"So how do you want to do this?" he asked not sure what the plan was next. As she took a sip of her drink he sat down beside her.

"Well in about five minutes I have to make a speech" she sighed and told him firmly "I owe  
>it to them Chakotay, I know I disappeared out of their lives"<p>

"for a few months, they'll understand." he reassured her.

"I know" she smiled taking his hand firmly in hers.

"We can go up there together and take Caleb with us if you like?" he suggested stroking the child's head as she held him and patted him on the back to burp him.

"great." she smiled warmly with a nod.

As she struggled to hold Caleb and reclosed her dress together he leaned in saying "here let me" as he did it for her. Chakotay was so fascinated by the beautiful dress he failed to see his wife stiffen and turn away at his touch.

"Come on" she stood, took his hand and held Caleb in the other as he too stood and together they walked towards the door.

"Ladies and gentlemen" tom Paris smiled as he saw them enter the busy mess hall once more "honoured admirals" he nodded respectfully at them "I give you  
>voyagers command team" it was tom who started the cheering and clapping as they walked towards him.<p>

"Thanks everyone" Kathryn gestured for silence as she reached the front though there was some whispered speculation on the child she held "It's so lovely to see you all again and  
>thank you of indulging me in a wedding." she smiled as they once more cheered. Turning to Chakotay stood just behind her she took his hand and announced "Chakotay and I are excited to finally be getting down to our lives together on earth but our lives on Voyager, the lives we shared with each on every one of you will always be the most precious memories to us." then she took a pause as she continued in her husky voice "there is much speculation on my disappearance these last months " the whole room was silent now "I shall be honest with you" she looked to Chakotay for support "it has been a personal matter taking so<br>much of my time." she continued as he wrapped his arms around her as she stood holding Caleb. "Chakotay and I would love you all to meet our son" with those words there was a steady chatter around the room. "Caleb" Kathryn barely got to add before the crowd whistled and cheered.

"I think he's a hit" Chakotay whispered in her ear.


	60. Chapter 60

AUTHORS NOTE:- THIS CHAPTER MAYBE UPSETTING TO SOME READERS, MORE ADULT TOPICS AND THEMES. ( requires me to say this, if you get to the end of this chapter and think 'well that was ok' that's great! I am just required to put this note)

ALSO THIS CHAPTER IS TOLD IN TWO TIME FRAMES, WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW AND WHAT HAPPENED ONE HOUR BEFORE. I HOPE THIS ISN'T TOO CONFUSING… PARAGRAPHS IN _**BOLD ITALICS **_IS AN HOUR BEFORE, PARAGRAPHS IN NORMAL TYPE IS CURRENT.

THANK YOU.

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Pacing, that's all Chakotay could bring himself to do, pace. Back and forwards, alone in the sitting room. He felt sick, he wanted to be violently sick. He hated what he had done, hated what he saw when he realised what his lust had driven him too. Her cold blue eyes, lifeless as she looked at him.

_**It had only been two hours since they had returned arm in arm and smiling having just got married and decommissioned Voyager, it certainly was a night to remember. A night Chakotay knew he would never forget. **_

Upstairs Kathryn sat on her bed naked wrapped only in Chakotay's bed blanket. Her hair hung over her face. Her skin felt wet. Her tears washing her face. She stared back into nothingness. She felt sick, she wanted to be violently sick. She had no energy to pace, to will power to move. She had escaped, gone into her room and shut the door.

_**They had arrived back and put Caleb to bed in his room. She was tried. So was Chakotay but it didn't stop them. They were newlyweds after all. She hadn't even had time for coffee. Nothing to heighten her awareness, waken her up.**_

_**They had made their way into Chakotay's room from the nursery. Chakotay had taken her by the hand and led her there. Her sent was as rich as her smile. And that dress, that dress that made her look more stunning than he had ever seen her. **_

Kathryn knew he was down stairs now, she could hear him. She wanted to shut it out, shut it all out. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have been such a fool to think Chakotay wouldn't notice. Chakotay of all people, Chakotay who had spent years noticing every nuance of her movements. Had she really thought he wouldn't notice? Chakotay was no Jack he knew her better than that. Chakotay was not Jack, that's what she needed to be telling herself.

_**She had smiled at him as she stood. He circled her "hello dearest wife" he had growled in her ear from behind. She had gulped hard, she knew what was coming but he hadn't noticed. His arms had wrapped their way around her waist and upwards from the front. He had rested her tiny breasts in his large copper brown hands.**_

Why did that bother her Kathryn didn't know as the memories of only a few hours before washed over her. Chakotay had held her breasts many times over the years. A game they played on shore leave or a passing moment when no other crew member was around. Kathryn knew he liked her breasts.

_**His thumb moved slowly over the silk behind which lay his prize he knew without a bra. Kathryn let out an involuntary hiss as he found her nipple. He purred in her ear and he stroked that place over and over again with his thumb. He pulled her to him as she felt what she was doing to him.**_

Why had he not seen it then? Chakotay closed his eyes at the memory. Such a beautiful woman, his love, never would he have taken from her had he seen it. It wasn't till it was too late he had noticed her lack of response to him.

_**Chakotay took her by the hand and led her to the bed. His bed, not hers. As she laid her legs spread wide his copper hands roamed freely over her.**_

Pulling the blanket tighter around her Kathryn felt tormented, it was Jacks word's she heard in her head. It was Jack's hands she felt still roaming all over her. How could her husband ever look at her now? That night he had found he had married a jaded and scared woman.

"_**You're beautiful" Chakotay had finally whispered once he had seen every bit of her. He had enjoyed removing the dress from her. He had known she was still in pain from childbirth and so had not made love to her but had used every other sensual thing he knew to show her just how much he loved her.**_

Chakotay slowly opened his bedroom door. Kathryn was nowhere to be seen. deciding she must have gone into her own room he sat down on his bed where only an hour before his beautiful wife had lain in her true naked form now there was only him as he held his head in his hands. 

_**"You're beautiful" Chakotay repeated seductively. But Kathryn made no movement, no effort to respond. As he supported his body above her he moved his face up past her slow breathing abdomen past her breast over her freckled neck line and shoulders to her tightly closed pursed lips. Her chin turned from him. Her hair fanned out around her on the pillow. Her eyes tight shut. Her body lifeless and unresponsive.**_

Chakotay sat on the bed and bent to pick up the now discarded silk gown. What was once beautiful he had ripped from her. Had he asked her permission to undress her? No. had he asked her permission to touch her? No. had he asked her permission to do what he did to her? No. the dress still smelt of her.

_**"Kathryn?" he stroked her face turned away from him "look at me" he had said it in love but almost as though it had been a command her eyelids parted but it was not Kathryn that looked at him it was a lifeless soul. It took him aback, her blue eyes were glazed over. They looked at him but they didn't really.**_

_**Pulling away his voice broke as he realised what was going on "put your hand on my shoulder"**_

_**She didn't hesitate, her hand went up and rested on his still clothed shoulder. He looked at her sorrow in his eyes. "Put your other hand on my knee"**_

_**Again without hesitation she did as she was told. Driven by what Chakotay did not know. She naked on the bed her fully clothed on all fours above her. He stood and turned from her he didn't feel he had the right to look at her. Picking up his bed blanket he covered her motionless body. Slowly she pulled the blanket around her and let a single broken tear fall. Chakotay silently walked from the room.**_

Kathryn sat crying, alone and broken in her room. Had she repulsed him? Had she not satisfied him? Would he ever look at her again? Had his wife disappointed him? Somewhere far off and distant Kathryn heard a babies cry. She knew she should find the strength to go to the child but she couldn't.


	61. Chapter 61

"Kathryn?" Chakotay whispered entering her sanctuary "Kathryn its Caleb" he told her as he knelt beside the bed in the darkened room she let her eyes shut as she turned from him "Kathryn look at me your son he needs feeding" he said firmly yet softly as he knelt beside her begging her to see.

"You'll have to do it" came her broken voice. She didn't look at him or the whimpering child in his arms.

"Kathryn your son needs you" Chakotay knew he could replicate a formula and feed the child himself but he needed her to get better and Caleb was right now in need of his mother.

"I can't" she told him as she turned to look into his dark eyes. Such loving eyes.

"You can" Chakotay told her careful not to touch her. She knew it. She closed her eyes shut. "Look at me Kathryn" he begged this was breaking him as he told her "you have to trust me"

"I'm sorry Chakotay" she pulled the blanket tighter around herself.

"No Kathryn I am sorry" Chakotay let tears fall from his eyes. Blame was not for now, now he needed her to take responsibility for her son "now your son needs you" he told her trying to hand her the baby.

"My son?" she whispered her eyes so distant and confused as they fell on the child he held out to her.

"Yes" he urged.

"Not our son?" she asked as she looked up at Chakotay

"Yes Kathryn" he realised his mistake "our son" he pressed "he needs you to feed him"

"Feed him?" she was sitting distant and confused sitting was Chakotay he didn't know what to do.

"Look at me" he whispered lovingly still without touching her. Slowly her eyes opened and looked at him. Her distant look was gone, his Kathryn was fighting her way back in "good" he smiled his dimpled smile at her "now Caleb" he again handed her the child "I need you to take Caleb"

Slowly her trembling hands came out from under the blanket and took the child from him "good" Chakotay smiled as she looked down at her baby. Guiding him towards her breast he nodded and turned to walk away.

"Chakotay?" she gasped reaching out and grabbing his hand.

"Kathryn?" he said softly taking her hand and placing it gently on her son.

"Don't be angry because I wasn't what you wanted" she said keeping her eyes transfixed on Caleb.

"you are beautiful" he told her kneeling back down, when she didn't reply he insisted "I mean it" still she looked at Caleb as her tears filled her eyes "you are everything I ever wanted and everything I ever will want" he told her "but not like that" his heart felt pained "not like before" he was crying now "I want you whole and able to give because you want to not because you force yourself because you think it's what I want" when she didn't reply only looked at the innocence of Caleb sucking on her nipple he smiled a sad smile and said "now you feed him and I'll get you something to eat"

He was almost out the door before her voice cracked and she told him "when you touch me all I see" she closed her eyes "all I hear" she shuddered "all I feel is Jack"

"Then I won't touch you" he told her without hesitation. Her wide eyes met his, she shook her head but he whispered "not till you're ready"

"You won't touch me?" she asked looking at him with confusion "I'm your wife"

"Yes" he nodded, he like the sound of that.

"You should expect sex from me" she said her glazed cold look creeping back in.

"I hope to one day engage in a mutual act of making love to you" he nodded seriously "until that day I am content not touching you"

"Chakotay" she said looking at him, the honesty was real, he meant what he said "what happened before" she turned back to her son.

"Tell me Kathryn, when did I lose you?" He asked her.

"Loose me?" she asked confused.

"You were there in body but you" he net her eyes "my Kathryn" he whispered "my wife was gone"

"I don't know" she shook her head confusion filling her "I'm sorry"

"No I'm sorry I should never had assumed it ok to undress you, to touch you" his tears flowed.

"Chakotay you did nothing wrong." she wanted him to know and she meant it. "I never protested" she closed her eyes "I never said no, I let you"

"Something you learnt with Jack?" he asked not convinced by her words but consoled at least she didn't blame him, she didn't fear him or hate him.

"He never noticed if Jack got what he wanted" she trembled "if I let him" her eyes slid shut "that was another night safe"

"You thought if you didn't keep me happy you would be unsafe?" he asked seriously realising Jacks abuse of her was far more than a one of jealous rage.

"Maybe" she shrugged then changed her mind quickly "no" then closing her eyes she shook her head "I don't know"

Realising she was flustered he stood "I'll see you down stares when you're ready." he smiled, ruffled Caleb's blonde hair and walked out the room.

Returning down stairs he took from its sacred place his medicine bundle, perhaps there was a spirit who would tame his troubled heart.


	62. Chapter 62

Chakotay found himself alone in a dark dense forest he looked around, this forest had been his constant visiting place from his earliest days "you are a troubled warrior my son" the deep voice of his dead father broke into his silent solitude.

Turning to look at the old man he shook his head admitting "I have not been much of a warrior of late"

"Oh? Has your honour failed you?" kolopack, his father questioned.

Chakotay turned in shame from the man who was once his guide "there is a man who angers me much. When I think of him I feel my blood burn with hatred"

"We are not people of anger" kolopack reminded his son as he continued down the woodland path.

"I know father" Chakotay said sadly as he joined his father to look at the most ancient tree in the forest.

"Our Tribe shows the path of love" the old man continued as though his son had not spoken.

"He hurt her" Chakotay said as he knelt before that ancient tree, the tree of his forefathers.

"Her?" kolopack rested his hand on his sons shoulder "seven of nine?"

Chakotay's head shot up to look in his father's mystical eyes. Had it really been so long since his last vision quest, so long his father would think him still engaged to seven of nine? Chakotay shook his head and said sadly "no Kathryn"

Kolopack met his son's eyes. He knew of this Kathryn, Chakotay had talked of her often. His son had told him the good and the bad of this woman. Many times had Chakotay come to this place, to the tree of the ancestors to plead on behalf of the soul of this Kathryn. Kolopack knelt beside his son and asked "Kathryn the unobtainable warrior leader" when his son only hung his head and called out the ancient prayer kolopack told him "she plagued your vision quests for many years"

"Yes" Chakotay nodded. It was true in later years the only time he made the journey to the forest of the ancestors was for Kathryn, one way or another.

"she follows the rules of her people" kolopack once again reminded his son "she is honourable" he didn't agree with her people nor did he agree with the ways of Starfleet but from the day Chakotay first told him of this woman he admired her honour and integrity. She had chosen the ways of her forefathers, she followed her fathers and ancestors wishes for her. With integrity she stayed with it. Even when it cost her the man she loved. Even when he pushed her so. If fate had allowed her to be in his tribe kolopack would have been proud for his son to take her as his wife.

"Today we married" Chakotay told his father.

"You joined in Kitsinyansya?" kolopack was surprised at this news.

"Yes" Chakotay admitted.

"I understood her people forbid her to join with you; a member of her hunting party" kolopack told him firmly to show he didn't agree, had his son finally turned this woman away from the ways of her people?

"We are home father, we are no longer searching lost and distant skies" Chakotay told him as he placed the palm of his hand on the great tree before him.

"You are no longer a member of her hunting party" kolopack realised what his son was saying "she is free to join with you" he smiled the same dimpled smile that his son would give.

"Yes" Chakotay hung husband head sadly.

"I see no reason for sadness" kolopack told him joyously offering a prayer to the ancestors "this is joyful" Chakotay looked at him still with sadness "you will complete the home of this worthy woman" kolopack told his son proudly "you will provide her a fine house as I thought you" Chakotay stood with grave thoughts in his mind "her children when she brings them for you will protect in their infancy" patting his son proudly on the back her said "you will raise them well in the ways of our people. You must bring her here, teach her of our ways, I have longed to meet her."

"Father" Chakotay began cautiously.

"Stop this stupidity you must see now there is no room for finding your own path. You and your sons will be the last warriors of our people." kolopack shouted angrily at his wayward son. Wasn't all the pain the tribe suffered enough for his eyes to open?

"She has a son" Chakotay told his father.

"Not yours" kolopack look deep into his sons eyes and knew.

"No" confirmed Chakotay.

"Your wife did not save herself for you?" kolopack looked shocked. The pale faces knew nothing of the world, consequences was a forgotten word to them. They only took.

"I did not save myself for her" Chakotay growled. He knew his father's thoughts and he would not entertain them.

Kolopack growled at his son disrespect and wayward behaviour but ignored it. "You make home for another warriors son" kolopack was shocked at the lack of home respect these Starfleet people carried.

"He is no warrior" Chakotay hissed his anger rising "he is a coward" 

Then Chakotay saw "he is the man who angers you"

"He forced her" Chakotay eyes filled with tears "terrorized her into joining physically without marriage"

Kolopack understood, his sons plight was not far off that of his own ancestors when the pale skins first invaded "and so she bore forth a child"

"Yes" Chakotay hissed sadly.

"Does he know of his son?" kolopack grabbed his son and asked gravely "he has the right"

"Yes" Chakotay pulled away.

"He wants no more to do with her or her son?"

"No"

The old man stood tall and nodded "then it is right, you must take this innocent child as your own" Chakotay couldn't believe it, his strictly tradition bound father giving his blessing for this "the pale skins have always had much to learn in the ways of treating woman."

"She is afraid of me" Chakotay shook his head "afraid of my touch"

"She is no stranger to pain" kolopack reminded him "they call her warrior leader" the father grabbed his sons arm "no woman is made for such things"

"She is a fine warrior" Chakotay said in her honour.

"Yes I am sure she is" nodded his father looking up at the misty sky "and a fair and just leader no doubt"

"Yes" agreed Chakotay following his father's eyes.

"No woman can be these things without losing part of themselves." kolopack told him sadly "she will never be as whole and fresh faced as she was when she first became a warrior"

"No warrior is" Chakotay reminded his father.

"no" admitted kolopack longing his son to see "but still a woman warrior who has seen the darkened world of men is somehow expected to be as a woman who has not seen such things." kolopack understood the problem lay with Chakotay not Kathryn "she expects this of herself because she thinks you expect it of her" Chakotay stared at his father as he told his son "you have chosen a warrior not a woman"

"She is both" Chakotay insisted.

"Yes" the wise men nodded "but tell me when she faces the enemy, when she commands her party when she fires a weapon and distinguish the enemy life, when she must give the last rights to the fallen of her party who do you see?" Chakotay remembered Kathryn standing firm spitting orders on Voyager "a woman or a hardened warrior?"

"at those times a warrior" Chakotay told his father "but when her son sucks on her breast, when she combs her long hair, when she laughs, when her lips meet with mine and when she falls into me with desire and longing I see a woman"

"Which do you want her to be more?" kolopack asked gravely "warrior or woman?"

"My wife" Chakotay insisted "I want her" he couldn't understand why there was a distinction, that was something Kathryn did in her weakest times, it wasn't her, she was both.

"Yet as you say she is both" kolopack said softly "she cannot separate the warrior from the woman" he picked up a white stone covered in mud "for too long you travelled the unknown, distant skies together. There she was warrior" with that he tried to wipe the mud from the stone but it was still tainted and dark "now suddenly you return and you ask for her to be the woman and only the woman"

"I ask her to be her" Chakotay insisted.

"she is" kolopack looked at the ugly dirty stone that was once white and pure "that is her" Chakotay looked too at the stone in his father's hand and started to see "she dedicated her life to Starfleet, they don't train their warriors in the way of the word they train them in science." Chakotay took the stone from his father and turned it in his hand "she is no mother" kolopack told him "she knows not how to be a wife" wrapping his sons hand around the stone kolopack told him "Chakotay my son, your wife and son need you" then he disappeared. Just as Chakotay opened his hand to see a pure white stone, he finally understood. He then found himself kneeling before his medicine bundle in his sitting room. The vision quest was over.

"Sorry" a deep husky voice whispered.

Chakotay looked up to see his beautiful wife turn from him "Kathryn?" he asked before she walked away.

"Does it help?" she half smiled as she turned back to him.

"What?" he questioned folding up his medicine bundle and standing to look at her in the dimly lit door way of the room.

"The vision quest did it help?" she nodded at the sacred medicine bundle.

"A little" he smiled "it helps me understand that which confuses me."

"I remember when you showed me once, many years ago" she whispered softly "when we first met" then she hung her head "before all this"

"I would be happy to show you again" he smiled. She looked up, a tearful smile.


	63. Chapter 63

Chakotay stood in the open doorway fear gripping his heart. When he had brought her to Paris he had thought it would be safe to leave her for the day. She wanted to be alone. She liked to be alone. He had taken Caleb up the ancient Eiffel tower. He had sat along time with his son at the top. He had shared little tree stories and told tales of his warrior mother. How she had saved them all many times, one coffee mug at a time. Father and son had just got back to the cottage he had rented for them and to say it was destroyed might actually be an understatement. Gripping his son tightly to his chest he took a careful step inside the door. Shards of broken glass crunched under his heavy step. His heart was pounding as he looked around at the darkened decay of what was the kitchen. Every kind of breakable lay shattered on the floor. The taps ran water mercilessly into the sink. A burnt smell invaded his nose. Turning to the ancient oven he opened it to reveal a still hot blackened nut roast, his wife had been cooking. His smile broke as he prodded the dinner. He had known this woman ten years, not once had he known her to get her cooking right, even with a replicator he had known her to burn the food. Not stopping to ponder on the matter he continued his concerned search for the woman in question, Caleb began to cry in his arms. The hinted smell of chard food irritating him. Turning the taps off and comforting the child Chakotay moved from the kitchen. He still felt great confusion and worry as he moved from room to room. In the lounge overlooking the ancient city he found a warming fire in the half, and an open book which on closer inspection was the writings of Dante but no Kathryn anywhere. 

With his heart be beating fast he whispered in Caleb's ear that all will be ok as he slowly opened the door to the room in the little cottage that had been hers. His heart broke.

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**The wedding night, one week before.**

Chakotay turned and put away the medicine bundle. As he did so his eyes fell on the table laid for two, candles lit "you cooked?" her horse voice broke the deadly silence.

"Replicated" he smiled gesturing to the seat for her to sit down.

"smells nice" her crooked smile broke as she sat at the table keeping her eye fixed on him as he put oven mitts on to pick up the hot plates he had replicated.

Placing the creamy pasta dish before he smiled a warm smile as she watched him. Turning away again he asked "how's Caleb?"

"I put him to bed" she told him as he uncorked the red wine to pour her a glass.

"Just us for the night then?" he smiled pouring himself a glass and sitting down opposite her.

"Looks that way" she said flatly.

He looked at her sad face for a second. Let his eyes close, said a prayer in his own language which Kathryn didn't understand. Opening his eyes he took his folk and took a bite of the pasta. "Come on let's eat" he said when he realised she had made no effort to eat. When she took slowly took a bite of the food he smiled and said casually "harry looked like a little boy again" his dimpled smile laughed.

"I don't think he believed it" Kathryn shook her head sadly and stabbed the pasta on her plate with her folk.

"Captain and commander married" he laughed sipping his wine.

"No" she sighed then threw down her folk and asked "Chakotay?" as she rubbed her forehead.

"Hum?" he asked too casually for her liking taking another mouthful of food.

"Are you planning on acting like nothing happened?" Kathryn asked evading eye contact.

"I'm planning on sitting down and eating dinner with my wife" he told her; that took her aback "it is my wedding night after all" he finished up.

"Oh" her lips whispered as she dared to look at him and see genuine love.

"I was thinking we could go to Paris next week." he smiled raising his wine to his lips.

"Paris?" the confusion evident in her voice. She was thinking of Tom whenever Paris was mentioned.

"Yes" Chakotay said as Kathryn saw his fingers flex as his hand rested on the table not far from hers. She saw the restraint he held in not reaching those extra few inches and holding her hand. It did sadden her but he allowed her eyes not to linger on the moment "there's a beautiful two bedroom cottage" Chakotay finished with a smile "you'll love it" then Kathryn realised he was talking of Paris the place.

"Love it?" Kathryn said so that even Chakotay thought this was a bad idea.

"it's up to you" he said with a smile taking his hands off the table not wanting to have the temptation of wanting to reach out and hold her hand.

"If I say no?" her head tilted to one side, her eyes down cast as she refused to look at him.

"I'll be disappointed but we will stay" Chakotay told her reassuringly.

"Two bedrooms you say?" she looked up at him with her crooked smile.

"Of course" he said softly "Caleb can share with one of us"

"Not many people go on honeymoon with their wife, her son to another man and sleep in separate rooms" she told him sadly once more stabbing her food with the folk.

"I'm not many men" he pointed out "it doesn't bother me" then with a smile he leaned back and told her "sounds nice to me, I never went to Paris" almost in a far off distant look he added "views from the Eiffel tower, culture, art and music"

"Rest" her eyebrow raised "just like the doctor ordered?"

"If you want" he told her lovingly "you and Dante can catch up by the fire" finishing his pasta he added "I'll take Caleb out to find culture"

She looked up at him; there was one thing she couldn't understand "why?"

"Why not?" he offered back.

"Before-" she began slowly.

"Was a mistake on my part, sorry" he admitted gravely "I didn't realise it wasn't ok"

"You still want to take me to Paris? You're not ashamed of me?" she asked fearing the answer after all he had seen of her.

"Ashamed of you? You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Inside and out" he was shocked she would think that "you're my wife" he reminded her gently "I have waited many difficult years to say that" it was him who smiled now. "I pushed you too far too quickly I am sorry for that but I won't make that mistake again" he reassured her. She nodded and gave him the first genuine smile she had given since before he had taken her to bed "please promise me one thing"

"What?"

"If you want at any time not to do something tell me" he insisted lovingly "and please tell me when you do want to" her eyes widened and he said softly "no pressure but from now on we need to communicate"

"Deal" her face cracked into a shining smile as she raised her glass to him and took a sip.

"So you will join me in Paris for our honeymoon?" his heart swelled, he had longed to take her to Paris for their honeymoon since new earth.

"I have never been to Paris" she shook her head with a laugh "I never thought I would go for my honeymoon"

"I have wanted to take you to Paris since new earth" his heart thumped and his eyes shone.


	64. Chapter 64

Putting Caleb in the cot just near where Kathryn was slumped over at the foot of the bed Chakotay knelt before her, everything in him fighting not to reach out and touch her. Silently he looked at her. She seemed not to notice at first. Her sobs where small but frequent. Her entire body shaking. The palms of her hands cut as was her loose dress but on Chakotay's visual assessment she seemed not to be harmed badly. Slowly the shuddering of her body slowed. Her still trembling hands clenched into two tiny white balls of fist. Chakotay sat ever so silent without touching her as droplets of tears fell from her down cast head. Her hair covered her face but the most part of it curled behind into a loose, convenient bun. Slowly as though drawing strength from an unknown source she quietened as her head lifted. The sharp, shining blue orbs of her eyes darted around the room until the fell on his own dark eyes and stilled. There on the floor of the bedroom in Paris husband and wife knelt silently before each other. His darkened eyes and dared to look at her with more love than anyone had ever looked at her. Chakotay knelt and did nothing but be there. Steady and true he knelt before his wife who knew more pain than she had dared to admit, even to him. Kathryn had shattered, just like those pieces in the kitchen. Maybe he had helped her break. He had tried to show her tender, loving pleasure on her wedding night but the abuse, fear and pain of far too many years had held her too long. her admiral uniform, her Janeway death glare, her command had been a glue keeping those shards of her life delicately together but when he married her, when he had tried to show her intimate love the admiral couldn't find a home in that. Without the admiral the pieces fell relating what was happening around her to what had happened to her in the past. a past that in truth the admiral had denied even Chakotay into, level ten clearance, command eyes only. As Chakotay knelt there in the silence of that room in Paris he knew. He had forced the admiral down when he married her. He forced Kathryn to come out and with it came her heavy burdened load. Nothing would make him turn from her now. He married Kathryn and if this was Kathryn right now so be it. Chakotay knew he had to believe there could be more than this, more than admiral Janeway. In it all there was a woman of passion and love, a woman who liked to grow her own food and enjoy nature. A woman who stared up at the night sky and saw possibility not an unobtainable dream. A woman who could paint and dance. A woman who could tease anyone into giving her anything she wanted. A woman who drank coffee all day long but still always smelt of morning roses. A woman who loved him.

Chakotay's eyes didn't waver in their love as his inner strength reached out to her. Then suddenly, it was light at first as her shaky hand moved towards his chest. Her tormented blue orbs unwavering from his steady eyes of love as her other hand crept up to join her other. With the next shaky breath both her arms wrapped around him. Then with what felt to be her greatest muster of strength she fell into his chest and allowed herself the permission to cry. Small sobs soon became blood curling wails as she clung so tightly to his jumper he thought she would rip the material. Slowly without a word he lifted his own hands to wrap around her. Pulling her into him she allowed herself to fall but his steady strong arms of love held her.

"You've carried on so long" he whispered in a steady voice he knew she needed to hear "you've built your walls so high so nobody can climb them but I'm going to try"

At his words she silently let herself sink deeper into him as she clung even tighter to him.


	65. Chapter 65

Chakotay held his wife as she wept. He didn't know what else to do but cradle her like he would a baby. He rocked her backwards and forwards trying to hold her with support. It was not soft sobs emanating from his wife but long blood curdling yells of broken frustration. He knew soon she would calm he just did not know how soon was soon. Slowly she drew from him her face red and puffy, her teeth clenched, her jaw set. Her fists flung out as Kathryn Janeway tried to push Chakotay away and make sense of her world around her. Chakotay instantly leaned back giving her the space he thought she needed. Kathryn felt the sudden separation from him and it frightened her. Trying hard to grab some of her strong and steady command back she took in deep breaths but they only lead to panic. He fists came down on his chest and she hammered till there was no strength left in her. Chakotay grabbed her wrists, forcing her to look at him. Her spirit was troubled her eyes dark.

(+)(+)(+)

"Chakotay where are we?" Kathryn followed her husband along the dense forest path all the while looking around. She had never seen or felt anything like this misty environment and that aside she was getting a head ace just trying to think how it was possible.

"The sacred ancestral lands of my people" he told her offering his hand, she slipped her tiny hand into his secure tanned fingers and clambered over some rocks.

"Oh" she laughed looking around, it was a forest, trees and a dark mist was all she could see.

He smiled at her laugh, she looked free and easy "this is where I come on my vision quests" he told her arriving at the foot of the ancient tree "I seek guidance from my ancestors" kneeling he drew in the soil "and when I am really troubled my spirit guide"

"In a dark forest?" she knelt beside him and raised her eyebrow.

"My people were people of trees" his dimpled smile looked back at her.

"I see" she smiled. Chakotay knew she would struggle to accept and understand he was waiting for it and couldn't help laughing when she said "so Chakotay explain this again" she stood and walked around the tree "we are really in the cottage in Paris even though this feels real"

"Yes" he smiled standing to be next to her.

"But that means it's in our mind" she pointed out proudly.

"I suppose so" Chakotay tugged his ear; he had to admit he had never understood some of it himself.

"So we don't have the same memories or experience as each other" now she knew she had him, she was in some kind of trance of dream.

"We do" he smashed her smugness.

"How?" she demanded folding her arms.

"The achoochi moya" Chakotay said grimly, he knew she would never understand.

"She will never understand son" came the wise voice of the man he had brought her to see "she is one of the pale faces"

Kathryn spun round and stood firmly behind Chakotay as she eyed the old man carefully she asked firmly "Chakotay?"

"Farther this is she" Chakotay told his father proudly "this is my wife, Kathryn"

"You are small for a warrior" kolopack told her as he looked over his sons shoulder at the tiny woman. Kathryn set her jaw and issued her death glare at the man which caused him to issue the dimpled smile she knew as well as he said "with a look as deadly as a spear"

"Is this your spirit guide?" Kathryn asked Chakotay folding her arms and tilting her head at him.

"No" Chakotay laughed "this is my father"

"Your father?" she gasped slightly confused as she looked at the older man and did see the resemblance.

"The pleasure is mine admiral" Kolopack nodded at her with a smile.

Kathryn stepped out from behind Chakotay so the old man could see her whole fame "please call me Kathryn" adding a respectful nod at the end "sir"

"Yet your spirit wishes to be only admiral" kolopack told her with a slight smile as he turned away from her.

"Father" Chakotay growled afraid his father would say too much and offend her.

As Kathryn looked at Chakotay for answers. kolopack smiled to her and said "don't turn to my son" then with his own disapproving glance at Chakotay said "he knows not of these things" Kathryn looked around and her eyes fell on a beautiful peace rose growing alone at the food of the old tree where moments before Chakotay had drawn in the soil "the achoochi moya finds favour with you" "this is not the first time she brings you to the vision quest" kolopack continued as Kathryn turned her back to him.

"No" she replied spinning round to look at the older man once more.

As Kathryn's eye's darted around the forest confusion evident on her face as she tried to make sense of the environment she was in "you try to understand our ways yet you come from something so contrary to us" kolopack looked at her in the eyes.

Slowly she turned to him and said firmly "I am only what I am but I am not a spiritual person no" Chakotay was so shocked to see a firm and strong Kathryn again, Kathryn who was sure of herself. Kathryn who did not turn in fear.

"Your spirit is torn" kolopack told her "the achoochi moya see's you chose Starfleet over the marquis but now you doubt that choice." Kathryn took a step back and looked at the old man with her wide blue eyes.

"Father you do not understand these things" Chakotay stepped in front of his wife horrified his father would say such a thing.

"Do I not?" kolopack asked looked deeply at Kathryn who Chakotay noticed was staying rigidly still and denying nothing.

"Kathryn had no reason to join the marquis." Chakotay told his father but the distorted distant look on his wife's face confused him.

"No reason?" kolopack exclaimed looking at his son "what reason must one have?"

"I joined the marquis in honour of our people" Chakotay told him firmly.

Kolopack met the eyes of his son, Chakotay knew his father was never in favour of his choice to join the marquis "son have you felt the evil hand of a man cardassian on you?"

"No" Chakotay had to admit. He had joined to marquis to avenge the ill treatment and murder of his people by the cardassians but he himself had been off world at the time. His only encounter with the cardassians had been in battle.

"Then tell me what reason do you have for joining the  
>marquis?" kolopack spat at him.<p>

"Father" Chakotay began his own temper rising.

"No son, it is time you listened" kolopack interrupted him pointing at Kathryn "time you saw" the father and son had disagreed for many years. Chakotay's life choices so far from that of his people, it had only been since the attack on his home world that Chakotay had turned back to his tribal ancestry.

Kathryn stood and watched to two men, if that was really what she was watching; one of them was dead, murdered by the cardassians. this made her realise she knew so little if Chakotay or his people "what is achoochi moya?" Kathryn stepped in between the two men and asked "how does it know these things"

"achoochi moya is she who brings one into the vision quest." kolopack told her calmly recognising her strong command presence "she knows all things of the spirit of those who open themselves to her"

"I did not open this information to anybody" Kathryn's death glare came out.

"No" kolopack smiled knowingly "Starfleet's highest classification. but you came to the vision quest in search of guidance" the wise man told her "you came to us through the ancient prayer of achoochi moya and she let you come though you are not one of us because she saw the trouble in your spirit and the true love you hold for my son" kolopack told her which made Chakotay burn with pride for he knew rarely did the tribal people accept an outsider to join with one of their own. "You are respectful of the land you steward and you protect the weak of your tribe" kolopack told her honourably "these are rare qualities among you people." Kathryn opened her mouth to defend her people when kolopack said so abruptly "many believed you

Would turn to the marquis"

"I thought about it" she stood tall. She was able to find command strength here but she also knew this place was not a place to cover up and hide; her very being was known and read here.

"But you didn't" kolopack pointed out "even through everything you endured you stayed true that which you believed in, you thought you did the right thing and because of that you despised Chakotay  
>and his crew. People who threw away all you hung onto to join that which you turned away from."<p>

Kathryn held kolopack's eyes fully aware Chakotay was staring at her confused and shocked at his father's words. He didn't know which shocked him more, what his father said or the lack of denial. He had no idea Kathryn had considered to marquis or that she had any personal feelings towards them. She trained her face into command mask and admitted "before I met them yes"

"you hate the cardassians as much as my son does" kolopack insisted.

"I don't hate the cardassians" her admiral mask was in full force now.

"no" kolopack said calmly "admiral Janeway doesn't, she keeps truly objective" then he went for the kill "but Kathryn Janeway can't" Kathryn shook her trying to insist as tear fell from her eyes "she never has" kolopack pressed "not since that first cardassian man" at those words she broke and fell to her knees and wept.

Chakotay looked at his father with flaming anger. Why had he brought her here to a vision quest she knew nothing about "Kathryn what is he talking about?" Chakotay asked kneeling before her "did you want to join the marquis?"

"I thought about it" he blue eyes shut "a long time ago" she shook her head "but I chose my path" she was trembling as she whispered "I chose Starfleet."

"Tell him Kathryn" kolopack told her "open your soul to my son"

"If I don't?" her blue eyes opened to show their shattered centre as she looked at the older man.

"You will continue to carry this burden alone." kolopack told her. 

"What is he talking about?" Chakotay asked. Kathryn looked up at the ancient tree; she knew what she had to do.

The next moment she found herself back in the cottage in Paris with Chakotay and his medicine bundle beside her.

Standing she found courage and strength as she said "I tried to cook."

"I noticed" Chakotay smiled.

"It burnt" she said flatly. Chakotay smiled, for she was beautiful and she was his wife, no matter what she had yet to tell him. His heart filled with pride, she was trying all she had to make the marriage work, even his father and the achoochi moya accepted her spirit for him.


	66. Chapter 66

**Authors note: - I would very much like to thank you all for the feedback and reviews! I hope you continue to enjoy this story though to some it may seem a little too dark. I would particularly like the thank Toriemil for her continued support in all my stories but particularly this story and the up coming chapters. Thanks!**

"Where the hell have you been?" B'Elanna angrily demanded across the comm line at her friend she had been trying to reach for days.

"We're in Paris" Kathryn replied steadily as she took a sip of coffee and waited for the half Klingon on issue her cursing.

"What all three of you?" B'Elanna demanded folding her arms and stared at Kathryn's unusually red eyes. She looked tired and drawn and slightly distant.

"Yes" Voyagers old captain nodded "honeymoon" her voice was deep, deeper than usual and slightly dead, lacking in emotions, something B'Elanna didn't miss.

"So how's married life?" the engineer asked looking at the older woman sceptically.

"Well you know" Kathryn shrugged looking at the drags of coffee still in her mug.

"My honeymoon was more joyous than that" B'Elanna insisted "what gives?" she demanded.

"Nothing" Kathryn replied, her lifeless grey eyes doing nothing to convince her friend.

"Admiral Janeway do I have to come over there and beat it out of you?" B'Elanna snapped feeling annoyed that through it all Kathryn still wouldn't open up to her. In fact it made her see there is very little B'Elanna actually knew of her former captain, but then did Kathryn really know her?

"It's just a bit stressful" Kathryn sighed trying to think of something to say to the prying younger woman "you know up all night with Caleb"

"I know" snorted B'Elanna "put Chakotay on night watch" as she added smugly "I did with tom"

"He's s a deep sleeper" Kathryn mumbled her excuse into her coffee mug. 

With a big grin B'Elanna leaned into the screen and whispered "so what's it like?"

"What?" Kathryn asked genuinely confused.

"does he make you melt at his touch?" came B'Elanna's seductive whisper.

"B'Elanna!" Kathryn exclaimed an embarrassing awkward feeling filling her.

"Come on you can't marry Chakotay, every Voyager girls dream and not let us know how it is" B'Elanna snapped at the lucky woman sharply.

"There is a lot about him I don't know" Kathryn sighed deeply.

"Who does?" shrugged B'Elanna; the man in question was always a very private man.

Kathryn surveyed B'Elanna for a long time on the screen, Chakotay and she had known each other a long time before she had met them. Chakotay had always been protective and supportive of B'Elanna fighting for her. He never treated her as a simple member of his crew; it had never dawned on her till now. "You must have known him a long time." Kathryn asked.

"Long enough" shrugged B'Elanna saying very little as though

She was hiding something.

"You and he never?" Kathryn found herself cautiously asking as she met B'Elanna's eyes but Kathryn dreaded the answer.

"I wanted to once" B'Elanna admitted "but that was a long time ago."

Kathryn didn't know whether she was happy she asked or not she looked at the comm terminal as asked awkwardly "did he?"

"Rejected me" B'Elanna shook her head with a smile "plain and simple" Kathryn couldn't help feeling slightly relieved at this news. She didn't think she could compete with any past relationship like that. "It was quite something really, in those days as a maquis he took woman and cared little for consequences" B'Elanna laughed shaking her head at the memory of who they used to be.

"But he refused you" Kathryn asked raising an eyebrow with s crooked smile "charming"

even B'Elanna laughed at the thought of it then shook her he'd and said seriously "I thought I repulsed him after-" but B'Elanna never finished what she was going to say as she shrugged and said "well you know Chakotay better than that and anyway I was too much of a sister, even daughter to him"

"Chakotay must have been a different man as a maquis" Kathryn asked realising for the first time how much B'Elanna really meant to Chakotay.

"Yes he was" B'Elanna laughed at the memory of it "we were all different" the half Klingon folded her arms, stared at the older woman and demanded "so spill"

"What?" Kathryn asked once again confused.

"What brought this on?" B'Elanna asked referring to all the sudden questions about the past.

"Nothing" lied Kathryn rubbing her forehead awkwardly "so when do you head back to Jupiter station?" she tried to sound casual.

"In two weeks" B'Elanna went with the obvious attempt to change the subject "we were planning another get together of the crew before we go" she smiled "when are you and Chakotay back?"

"Not sure" shrugged Kathryn, she wasn't sure she could face the entire Voyager crew right then, wishing her well in her marriage.

B'Elanna was about to comment on Kathryn's lack of commitment or enthusiasm when her young daughter burst into the room and ran to the computer terminal exclaiming "aunt Kath!"

"Mirral" Kathryn smiled. The first free smile she had smiled in weeks B'Elanna noticed.

"Is it true?" mirral looked at Kathryn wide eyed.

"Is what true dear?" Kathryn asked the child softly. Her brows drawn together in confusion.

"you put daddy in a tiny room call a big all alone for 30 days just because he didn't do what you said?" mirral asked eagerly.

Kathryn shot B'Elanna a pretend death glare as she turned back to the child and said "it's a bit more complicated than that"

"But did you put him in the big?" mirral demanded eagerly.

"Mirral daddy had to do what aunt Kath said because she was the boss" B'Elanna told her daughter a smile playing on her lips.

"Did anyone ever put you in the big?" mirral asked Kathryn innocently.

At the child's words Kathryn long forgotten distant and unwanted memories came flooding back. Kathryn found quick composure again but it didn't go noticed by B'Elanna who was suspicious as Kathryn smiled warmly and said "its brig and your uncle Chakotay did"

"For 30 days?" mirral eyes were wide.

"no" snorted Kathryn "six hours" then she folded her arms and said in her best command tone, her face in a smile "that was long enough" but B'Elanna could see Kathryn was hiding her true feelings for the incident where Chakotay had committed mutiny against her and put her into the brig due to mind control that made him think he was still maquis.

"Where is uncle Chakotay" mirral demanded oblivious to what her mother was seeing "daddy says he has either kidnapped you or you're off repopulating the makits"

"Repopulating the maquis?" Kathryn's eyebrow raised and B'Elanna look mortified.

"Like bunnies" mirral smiled proudly that she had remembered.

Kathryn didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the young girls words she had clearly got from her parents. "Sorry" groaned B'Elanna sending her child away.

Kathryn was about to reply when tom entered the room and settled before the comm terminal "Kathryn!" he exclaimed with a smile "how's my favourite blushing bride?"

"Fine" she smiled back; her arms folded her eyebrow rose "apparently repopulating the maquis like bunnies" to which tom went a lovely shade of pink. "Oh and it appears my most memorable moment on Voyager was throwing my helmsman in the brig for 30 days for simply not doing what I said" she added.

"Sorry ma'am" Tom said awkwardly "harry and Mike called last night"

"Maybe you gentlemen need to be more careful what you discuss around your child." Kathryn told him and he knew she was not joking.

"Yes ma'am" he nodded firmly.

The atmosphere in the room was suddenly tense. Kathryn broke it with a smile saying "thanks to both of you for helping me pull it off" upon their confused looks she smiled "the wedding I mean"

"Our pleasure, or maybe Chakotay's" tom grinned.

"Ignore him Kathryn" B'Elanna snapped slapping her husband's arm.

"I was planning on it" Kathryn growled.

"So next time you decide to go away fancy letting your friends know?" tom told her then added in a pretend whisper "B'Elanna was worried"

"B'Elanna? Worried?" Kathryn asked sarcastically.

"She gets more worried than you know" tom said seriously.

"Right" Kathryn smiled "like now" B'Elanna was clearly annoyed; not worried.

"Kathryn I just need to change Caleb then dinners ready" Chakotay voice came from behind her. She turned just as he looked up from a smelly Caleb in his arms and saw what she was doing "oh sorry"

"Hay dad" B'Elanna laughed. The sight of Chakotay with a baby still warmed her half Klingon heart.

"B'Elanna?" Chakotay asked confused looking from Kathryn to the screen showing tom and B'Elanna.

"You disappeared" tom accused "Kathryn finally replied to our hails to her personal Starfleet line."

"We are on honeymoon" Chakotay growled firmly. He didn't want this to upset Kathryn's already delicate balance.

"So Kathryn said" B'Elanna told him.

"I'll change him" Kathryn smiled standing and taking her son from him. Then turning back to the screen she gave her best death glare and said "you talk to the problem children"

"Problem children?" tom spat in disgust as she walked away.

"Be careful Mr Paris I might throw you in the brig for 30 days" she turned and winked at them before leaving the room.

"So what's up with Kathryn?" B'Elanna demanded from Chakotay once she was sure she had actually left the room.

"Up with her?" Chakotay tried to sound casual and play it safe. He was a private man and to him affairs of the home should be private.

"She's not herself" B'Elanna told him. She knew Chakotay well enough to know he knew what she was talking about.

"It's not easy for her" Chakotay tugged his ear; a sure sign there was more to it.

"There's more to it than that and you know it Chakotay" B'Elanna dared to ask "you're protecting her"

"From what?" he asked uncomfortably.

"If I knew I wouldn't be asking" B'Elanna snapped, she didn't care she was being nosey "you know something I don't" she folded her arms "and I know you Chakotay I know you won't say anything"

"Jack screwed her up bad" tom told his wife "so did the delta quadrant"

deciding he needed to tell somebody how he was feeling Chakotay shook his head, ran his fingers through his hair and said "she won't open up to me"

"So there is something" B'Elanna said smugly.

"B'Elanna gives me a break here" Chakotay snapped in exasperation.

B'Elanna felt useless and she could see so did Chakotay. She didn't expect her husband to say what he said next "let me talk to her" tom said calmly with no other expiation.

"What?" Chakotay asked turning to the younger man he was now proud to call a friend though they hadn't always got on.

"Tom?" B'Elanna asked as though she hadn't heard him.

"Let me talk to her" tom repeated just as calmly and meaningfully as before.

"If she won't open up to Chakotay she isn't going to open up to you" B'Elanna snapped annoyed at her husband as though he was stupid. Turning back to Chakotay she expected him to agree with her.

"Wait" Chakotay nodded remembering many months ago, during his own promotion, when he was still with seven he had overheard tom and Kathryn talking. She had opened up to him in a way he had never seen her do before. He couldn't deny tom and Kathryn had a special friendship "she might" Chakotay whispered meeting the younger mans matured blue eyes over the comm terminal.

"What?" B'Elanna asked stunned by Chakotay's words. Why would Kathryn open up to tom, it made no sense to her.

(+)(+)(+)

"You've been a long time" Chakotay told his wife after she finally arrived back in the sitting room in Paris after she had gone to change Caleb.

"Took a while" she shrugged. He smiled. His comm chat with tom and B'Elanna had ended an hour ago.

"Kathryn" Chakotay whispered stepping close to her, she knew something was coming.

"What?" she asked suspiciously.

"How would you feel about tom and B'Elanna bringing mirral over for the day tomorrow?" get tentatively asked hoping she wouldn't guess their alternative motive.

"To our honeymoon?" she asked surprised at such a question.

"Just thought you might like some more company" he shrugged a little too casually "I can comm them and say not to come"

"No Chakotay" she smiled taking his hand "it's ok" she knew they were up to something, how bad would it be? It could be? "It will be nice to just sit back and relax with friends" there was genuine regret as she said "mirral has grown some, it would be nice to see her" her heart was heavy as she said "with phoebe and the kids off work neither of us have much in the way of family"

"Nor do tom and B'Elanna" Chakotay reminded her. Maybe they were a family they could build a family together with in some way?

"Ok you've won me over" she smiled up at him "just don't make cook"

"Talking of cooking" he laughed "I cleaned up the kitchen and cooked"

"Thanks" she leaned in and stroked his cheek.

"Kathryn?" he asked surprised and taken aback.

"Sorry" she suddenly pulled away.

"You found your strength again" his arms wrapped around her softly.

"Let's just eat" she moved into the kitchen to get the food.

"There's more to this than Jack isn't there?" he asked sadly watching her serve up.

"So what's the plan for tomorrow?" she ignored him.

With a broken smile he told her "tom says they'll transport over about 10am"


	67. Chapter 67

"So tell my Mr Paris why do I feel like I've been set up?" Kathryn asked folding her arms and staring at the young man stood before her. Chakotay and B'Elanna had taken the children out for the morning leaving her alone with Tom.

"Maybe because you have?" tom shrugged hiding nothing, he knew Kathryn better than that.

Kathryn's eyes rolled, her head flopped back and she said deeply "at least he's honest" Tom only snorted in reply and looked at her "who great idea was this?" she demanded keeping her eyes trained on him "your wife or my husband?"

"Mine" his grin grew wider as she looked at him shocked. She had not expected _that._

"Give me strength" she grumbled. If this was Chakotay's idea of honeymoon she wasn't looking forward to the rest.

"Ok" tom joked "coffee?"

"Since your offering" she hissed giving him a death glare and snapped "don't you dare ask me how I feel" as she pointed at him furiously.

"Wouldn't dream of it" he smiled handing her a mug of steaming coffee, black.

"So what are we going to do in this little get together 'find out what's wrong with Kathryn session'?" she hissed after several large gulps of the bitter drink.

"Give me some credit I _know_what's wrong with Kathryn" tom told her meeting her grey set eyes firmly with his.

"Doubt it" she spat back but tom didn't miss the fleeting fear that built in her eyes or her command structure stiffen slightly.

"No?" he asked calmly, a silent challenge.

"No" she hissed back standing and raising her set jaw to his face, her pursed lips red, he skin an unusual white completion.

He sat down, smiled, shrugged and said freely "ok so we drink coffee till the others get back"

"You could never understand" she spat at him. He had to contain a smile, he had got something from her.

"No perhaps not" he admitted, what more could he say? "But I know what the entire federation thought you would join the maquis after" but he carefully never finished his sentence, he left that for her.

"After what?" she growled, could he really know?

"you know what" he told her calmly keeping his blue eyes on her "doubt you want me to spell out what" then he asked softly hoping she would understand "my question is does Chakotay know?"

"How do you know?" she asked ignoring his question about Chakotay "what reports have you broken into"

"None" he stared at her, that was quite an accusation, it was so unlike Kathryn to accuse with no evidence "and it hurts that after all this time you think that of Me." he told her firmly.

"So how do you know?" she was almost begging as her watery blue eyes looked into his. He was about to see her crack.

"Know what?" he asked as though he had not been following the conversation. He knew it was cruel but if he got her to see what he could see. If he could get her to understand that with Chakotay she was safe then she would talk to him. That's all he wanted her to open up to her husband. If she ended up hating him in the process, well it was a small price to pay.

"Urgh" she growled. Closing her eyes, she knew he was doing this on purpose and it made her even angrier.

"Say it Kathryn go on" he urged, not to hurt her but to help her.

"Never" she hissed.

"Kathryn my father went missing along with a young female ensign under his command" that's all he said but the silence that followed let him know that was all that needed to be said.

"Your father" her eyes slid shut as she whispered "of course. When did he tell you?" she found the strength to ask, "today?"

"Don't fool yourself Kathryn" tom shook his head sadly.

The truth hit Kathryn like a huge ton of bricks. "You always knew?" her voice cracked with the strain.

"Yes" he nodded "long before you showed up in New Zealand and offered me a way out"

"You knew?" she whispered she didn't know whether to slap him or hide from him.

"That you had been a _guest_on cardassia prime" his words were steady and firm "yes" he confirmed. Kathryn had no doubts now, he knew.

"Did you tell Chakotay?" she asked wide eyed. She knew she would fall if tom had told the man she loved such disgusting things.

"No" tom shook his head. She was wavering slightly, he knew she was unsure what to do.

"Oh" she whispered slowly. Her head was racing. She didn't know what to do. She just knew she had to stop him. Walking towards him she ran her hands through his hair. Her head went up, she went to join her mouth with his. Her lips centimetres from his.

"Nor do I plan to" he whispered looking down into her glazed blue eyes not so far from his.

Kathryn stopped. Her eyes registered what the tall man had said. Her heart pounded as tom took a step back from her. He wasn't looking at her with disgust or even contempt he was looking at her with love. Tom Paris looked at her with love. "I'm sorry" she whispered turning from him.

Tom put his hand gently on her shoulder. She stiffened. He felt it and removed his hand.

"You should talk about this with Chakotay"

"And if I don't" she asked her back to him her face cast down.

"Then he will never know" she turned to look at him "and your love will stay broken and shattered."

Tom turned to walk away but she called him back "about what I-"

"Kathryn" he smiled "you were not the first to try to silence me with sexual favours but I won't do that. I am not that kind of man" he told her "nor is Chakotay"

(+)(+)(+)

"Do you fear him?" B'Elanna asked joining her friend in the garden at the back of the French house.

"Who?" Kathryn asked startled to see B'Elanna there.

"Chakotay, do you fear him?" she asked simply and firmly.

"No" Kathryn tried to lie "do you?"

"Chakotay?" B'Elanna shook her head "nah, he's the biggest softy I know"

"He was an angry warrior" Kathryn reminded her.

"Yes" B'Elanna nodded, Chakotay was angry when facing a cardassian.

"He loves you Kathryn" B'Elanna insisted "he would never hurt you"

"I might hurt him" Kathryn tightened her fists.

"How did you meet him?"


	68. Chapter 68

**Authors note:- there are topics and parts of this chapter that some may find upsetting. Please be advised of this before you choose to read. Thanks.**

"That is something I never thought I would consider telling a Starfleet admiral" B'Elanna admitted with a smile and a shake of her head.

Kathryn looked at B'Elanna sadly, there was clearly a story to tell and it hurt that she knew so little of her crew. "I know you were maquis B'Elanna I sort of get the idea." Kathryn shrugged, for too long she had pushed them all away and now they were back on earth she couldn't find a place to fit in or make sense in it all.

B'Elanna watched the older woman carefully. She could cover it over now, walk away and never have to face that but something pulled B'Elanna to tell Kathryn the truth, the whole truth. "I wasn't maquis till I met Chakotay." B'Elanna informed her then with a snort at her own arrogant immaturity she added "I didn't see the need to a line myself with anybody"

"you were going alone" Kathryn smiled at the thought of it.

"I was single headedly going to bring down cardassia prime." laughed B'Elanna.

"Didn't work out?" Kathryn laughed now.

"You could say that" B'Elanna admitted which sent Kathryn into fits of laughter. "I got into a situation with nine cardassian men" B'Elanna admitted seriously. Kathryn looked up, the smile fading from her face. The colour drained from her cheeks.

Kathryn had endured much at the hands of the cardassians. She didn't really need to ask, she knew "a situation?" Kathryn's voice was dark and rugged.

"You can do the math, work it out" B'Elanna told her firmly. Pity was the last thing she needed.

Kathryn looked at her friend fighting for control. Kathryn had never known any of the maquis past. Only what they had shared but this she never would have guessed. "Where were you?" Kathryn asked in her husky voice.

"In the brig of one of their ships" B'Elanna looked torn and broken sat there in that garden. Only one other time had Kathryn seen B'Elanna so broken, a time when self-harm and been the Klingon woman's only source of comfort "I was angry because they locked me up with Chakotay and his maquis lot" B'Elanna spat with a smile in her voice.

"Chakotay was there?" Kathryn nearly shrieked, her eyes wide and shining.

B'Elanna looked into Kathryn's eyes and saw confusion and fear. B'Elanna nodded "Chakotay and mike and another maquis, Chakotay's first officer and most loyal companion. It broke him when she died." at these words Kathryn hung her head. How could she not have known?

"I never knew" her voice cracked as tears fell. She wasn't as angry as she thought she would be. She just needed strength to get to know love again.

"After Cassie he vowed he would never give his heart to only one woman" B'Elanna told her which somewhere in her Kathryn felt her heavy heart beating. That was just what she had said after Justin. "He vowed to only take woman as sexual pleasure. Ships that fly by in the night" Kathryn looked horrified at B'Elanna who quickly corrected herself "consenting of course" then B'Elanna laughed "but then you came alone. I remember when you asked him to be your first officer he came to me, told me you were annoyingly sexy and that you would melt under his touch before the years up" Kathryn raised her eyebrows. B'Elanna snorted. "It took him three months and then he told me he thought you would fill Cassie's place in his heart and that he wouldn't rest until your husky voice called him your husband."

Kathryn's tears fell, it was almost as beautiful as the ancient legend. This Cassie, Chakotay never mentioned her. "She must have been a fine woman" Kathryn told B'Elanna with distant memories of Justin filling her mind.

"I am surprised he never told you of her" B'Elanna said. Often over the years Chakotay still talked of Cassie. Less and less as time went on but she was still there a part of him. Mike and B'Elanna had heard it many times.

"No" Kathryn sighed, perhaps Chakotay was unable to trust her.

"I only met her once, the day she died." B'Elanna said with a great sense of shame and guilt hanging over her.

"Was it the cardassians?" Kathryn asked though she knew the answer.

"When I started causing trouble and got myself in trouble Chakotay and mike went crazy." B'Elanna turned from her friend "they saved me from what Chakotay said Cassie had always called a fate worse than death."

"Cassie, she? They-?" Kathryn wanted to ask the question but couldn't bring herself to say the words.

"Raped and slaughtered her" B'Elanna felt almost sick saying it "in front of us. They saved me at the cost of Cassie's life" Kathryn felt his pain, she knew cardassians and she knew the cruelty when B'Elanna said "Chakotay was never the same." Kathryn felt it. At least she hadn't had to watch Justin tortured and murdered.

Kathryn looked at the younger woman beside her. B'Elanna was trembling and Kathryn knew it wasn't the cold night air. Reaching out in fear herself Kathryn took her friends hand and asked "and you?"

"I was never the same" B'Elanna admitted "it comes back from time to time" when had never thought she would talk to Kathryn about cardassians but tom had told her he was sure it would help.

"What does?" Kathryn hadn't dared to think somebody else out there would feel the same fear as her.

"Fear" B'Elanna admitted "nightmares and anger"

Kathryn let herself cry as she whispered "memories"

B'Elanna looked at her thinking she must be talking of Jack. B'Elanna smiled a soft smile "but sometimes I have to open my eyes and see there is a man who loves me in the bed beside me" she smiled making it sound too easy "and people like Chakotay who would die for me"

"and if you don't see that?" Kathryn asked. Her abuse had been years before B'Elanna's but she was dealing with it in a much healthy way.

"I sink" the half Klingon admitted "like you're doing now." then almost as a challenge she asked "why do you not share Chakotay's bed? Fear?"

"Maybe" Kathryn shrugged not too comitial.

B'Elanna knew Kathryn and she knew what had been going on. "it's not the sex you're afraid of is it?" at this question Kathryn looked scared "if it was just sex you and he really would be repopulating the maquis"

"B'Elanna" her husky voice broke warningly.

"no I'm right" B'Elanna said softly "you're afraid you'll love him and he'll reject you like Jack" when Kathryn didn't deny it she knew "Chakotay is no Jack" but then Kathryn closed her eyes to hold in the tears as B'Elanna said "you have always been afraid to love him" her anger of how Kathryn could treat such a good man got in the way "but now you're married to him he deserves better"

"I know" sighed Kathryn. She couldn't see how she could ever give Chakotay what he deserved.

"no Kathryn you don't know because you don't see" B'Elanna shouted "all you see is your pain your hurt" hoping it would help her open her eyes and see but it seemed to have the opposite effect, it shut her off "damn it Kathryn!" B'Elanna yelled. Jack can't have been that bad, could he?

Her eye shut, her small frame sank into the bench as she whispered "I'm terrified of his tender touch"

"what?" B'Elanna gasped. She had been expecting Kathryn to admit something but not that.

"Once, the day he came to Jupiter station he was angry" Kathryn kept her eyes closed "calling me a whore" B'Elanna looked shocked "he grabbed me, I thought he was going to take me there and then"

"He wouldn't" B'Elanna insisted. She knew Chakotay, that wasn't him.

"No you don't understand" Kathryn whispered desperately "B'Elanna I have never felt more safe." 

"You're afraid when he touches you softly" B'Elanna was shocked. It didn't make sense.

"I don't understand it" Kathryn rubbed her forehead.

"when tom loved me" B'Elanna told her softly "when tom and I first started our relationship I was abusive to him in the aggressive sense" she smiled weakly "he put it down to the Klingon part of me but I knew different, so did Chakotay" B'Elanna looked at her old captain "Chakotay and I talked" she shook her head "he reminded me of that day" B'Elanna looked so small "the day those nine cardassian men-" but the Klingon warrior found herself unable to finish the sentence.

"Raped you?" Kathryn added clinically for her.

"Don't ask me to explain" B'Elanna spat suddenly ashamed

"I don't" Kathryn said calmly not looking at her friend.

"That's why I attacked tom, a desperate attempt to gain the control I thought I was losing" B'Elanna told her. When Kathryn didn't reply B'Elanna saw she was shaking and crying she slowly wrapped an arm around the admiral "Kathryn." B'Elanna whispered "you're the same with Chakotay. Jack took something of you and now your fearful of giving it to Chakotay" but Kathryn was distant and lost to her. Lost in memories long before Jack "Kathryn?" but at the love from her friend Kathryn broke onto terrified sobs "oh Kathryn" B'Elanna pulled the older woman to her "it's going to be ok" she said with conviction "Chakotay loves you."

"Maybe you and I aren't so different after all" Kathryn whispered looking to B'Elanna's eyes. Kathryn knew she could say it then, open up or close up for ever. Choosing life not destruction her voice hollow and cracked she said the pitiful truth. "When I was young, new in Starfleet my commanding officer and I were captured and held as guests in a cardassian war camp"

It hit B'Elanna hard. The stench of the rotting lives that ended up in a cardassian war camp still terrified B'Elanna how close she came to such evil, sickening brutality "oh Kathryn" tears fell for her friend. Has she told nobody. Had she ever talked of this before.

"20 months" Kathryn shuddered into B'Elanna's grip.


	69. Chapter 69

**Authors note:- there are topics and parts of this chapter that some may find upsetting. Please be advised of this before you choose to read. Thanks.**

The two women held each other and wept for a long time. Both broken by the same thing. Both from extremely different backgrounds. Extremely different lives. Both brought together by twisted and cruel fate trying desperately to make sense of their pain. B'Elanna in a happy marriage with a beautiful daughter. Had the right support in Chakotay and the other maquis early on. She had dealt with the pain and shame and had long since beaten out her anger with the situation. She had been saved. Joining the maquis had let her find on outlet early on. In Chakotay she had found the ability to trust a man, to open up. She had found the steady hand of love and protection. She had wanted a different kind of love from Chakotay early on. But Chakotay had been wise and seen her obsession with him for what it was, the need to feel sexually accepted and wanted again. He was at the time still grief stricken over the loss of his love Cassie. Still he had taken B'Elanna in, made her one of his own. Loved her as a sister. Looked out for her, even when her record was against her. Even in the early days on Voyager he had thought Kathryn to make sure she was recognised as a senior officer on Voyager. He had always had her back from the day they met. He called her hynsytie, little sister. Then tom had come into B'Elanna's life. Teasing, annoying and somewhat insulting. Because he loved her any fool could see that. Tom gave her everything she wanted and more and she was proud to call him her husband. He too had a wayward past, given a second chance at life by the great Kathryn Janeway, redeemer of souls. Only B'Elanna was realising nobody had been there to redeem her.

Ensign Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway had dedicated her life to Starfleet. The daughter of a highly esteemed Starfleet admiral. Kathryn was Starfleet by the book. Straight up to the letter. When she and her captain who she admired and looked up to were captured during a routine shuttle mission by the enemy Starfleet ordered their ship to turn tail a run. In the interest of united peace Starfleet abandoned them as disposables of war. As a female in a cardassian war camp Kathryn endured unspeakable atrocities. She was recognised by the cardassians as a Starfleet woman and given special attention as such. High ranking officials and highly paying men used her in whichever way their pleasure required. Kathryn learnt how to play to her audience. How to use her femininity to get what she wanted. Starfleet had been a world of men. So had the cardassian war camp. The other inmates took a liking to her. Sometimes the cardassian guards allowed them the pleasure in order to watch as entertainment. Until that point Kathryn had been a virgin. So fresh to a world her body knew nothing about. Now she was so sure how to follow a command from a man instantly. Trained to let him take her without resisting. Though some like her struggling, she learnt that to a fine art.

Twenty months later her rescue came from Starfleet. Suddenly this innocent young ensign was freed but a much wiser, darkened, jaded woman. Starfleet hushed the whole thing up as an embarrassment. Slapped a big classified label on the whole thing. Promoted her to lieutenant. Offered her commission as science officer back. Made her swore not to discuss the matter. Used a cover story saying she was there for two days. Offered her a councillor who had never stepped out from behind her desk long enough to let anyone see the dress uniform she always wore, of course even here Kathryn was sworn to only tell the cover story.

Kathryn at this point approached a maquis cell leader but he cast her aside as Starfleet scum. He clearly believed her to be a spy or an untrustworthy whore was the words he used. Though if she offered him sex he was going to take it. And he did, hard. Before he cast her out in the dirt.

Kathryn took refuge only in Starfleet. Her rank, her commission, her ordered command. She would shut down the woman within. She had no room for emotions, for feelings, for love. Starfleet accepted her, cradled her, and loved her. Admiral Janeway's daughter. Made it all the way to captain, in command of the intrepid class Voyager. She made every admiral proud, or was the shame of that 'trouble with the cardassian?' enough for them to give her the command?

"Does Chakotay know?" B'Elanna finally broke the tearful embrace.

Kathryn shook her head "I didn't tell him"

B'Elanna took her hand "he should, he can help"

Kathryn's wide eyes met B'Elanna "I will repulse him" she whispered "the things I did in there"

"You're afraid of his tender touch because you don't recognise it" B'Elanna suddenly realised "you have never felt it"

"I could give him any kind of sex he asked for" Kathryn told her.

"Expect the act of making love" B'Elanna whispered "and that is the only form of sex he asks of you"

"I can't give him what he wants" Kathryn shouted.

"Yes you can" B'Elanna told her "you can start by telling him. Tell him of each of those twenty days if helps"


	70. Chapter 70

**Chapter content could be upsetting. please be advised before reading.**

**Thanks once again to Torimil for her continued support!**

Kathryn hadn't moved from the bench in the garden where she had wept with B'Elanna. She had curled up and watched the sun set. A crimson red filled the sky. She had just shifted her position slightly when she heard his gentle food falls coming towards her "Kathryn darling its cold out here" his voice said softly from behind as he looked out at the now faded pink glow in the night sky.

there was a long silence until she smiled a distant smile and said "yea" she sighed "have tom and B'Elanna left?" she asked turning to look at him. Her eyes red and puffy and distant.

"Yea" he smiled but the smile never reached his eyes. He was concerned and troubled "they loved seeing Caleb again"

"He's grown so much" she found herself saying casually. He nodded and looked back up at the sky. He didn't look rested or at peace. Kathryn found herself afraid

"Chakotay?" she whispered unsure of herself.

"Yea?" he looked down at her.

"Do you hate me?" her voice was cracked and dark.

"No" he gasped firmly, his eyes met hers. He took a risk and reached out to take her hand "spirits Kathryn I could never hate you" his heart broke at her question "I love you"

She closed her eyes, locking the tears away she clung onto his hand and whispered "what if I-"

"Nothing Kathryn would make me hate you" he interrupted her to say firmly.

"What if I did something that made you stop loving me?" her head turned away as tears fell.

"Nothing could make me stop loving you" he gently took her face in both his hands to make her look at him. She thought to turn away but he wouldn't let her. Struggling under his soft grip he whispered "and I mean nothing"

He ran his fingertips over her cheeks to wipe away her tears. Her eyes were shut. Her whole body trembled under his touch "something unspeakable from my past?" she dared to ask.

"We all have a past Kathryn" he let go of her tiny trembling form. She really didn't like him touching her. "Things we would rather keep locked up and hidden" gently he kissed the top of her auburn hair before he stood firmly and said "coming in?"

"Give me a minute ok?" she whispered looking up at the jet black sky and wiping her nose and face with the back of her hand.

"Ok" he smiled and walked slowly back to the house alone.

(+)(+)(+)

"Hay" Chakotay said as Kathryn walked into the house ten minutes later. Caleb was screaming loudly and Chakotay was doing his best to calm the child "I think he needs you" Chakotay told her as he walked towards her.

She smiled and gathered her son in her arms whispering "hungry?" to the tiny baby who was now reaching out for her nipple with his mouth.

Chakotay smiled his dimpled smile at the beautiful sight. "I'll get you some coffee" he told her as she began to undo her top to free her breast.

"Thanks" she replied not taking her eyes off her son.

Chakotay reached out to stoke her cheek "your freezing" he was more surprised by that then her instant stiffening at his touch.

"I'll be ok" she smiled weakly at him cupping his face hint her tiny cold hand. Taking her pale, cold palm in his he kissed her hand. She was already staring back at her son as she lead him to her breast and whispered "hello little man, mummy's here" Chakotay walked away from the precious scene a smile on his face. He had to believe there could be something beautiful in this.

He returned to her side shortly with a steaming mug of coffee. She hadn't noticed, she was in a different world her eyes transfixed on her innocent son. "Kathryn" Chakotay whispered placing his hand softly on her shoulder.

He didn't expect her to jump out her skin the way she did. her face a pearly white as her tearful blue eyes shot round the room till they landed on him "oh" she let her breathing falter "thanks" she took the mug from him and curled up in the comfy arm chair her son sucking happily on her breast. Chakotay silently knelt on the floor to stoke the ancient fire. A peaceful silence lingered between the little fire as Kathryn watched her husband busy himself with the fire. "Chakotay?" she whispered staring into the flames.

"Yes?" he asked turning to look at her distant blue eyes.

"Why did Cassie join the maquis?" whatever he had expected her to ask that was not it. He looked at her but she did not look at him. Her eyes were distant and hollow shining brightly in the fire light.

"Cassie?" he turned back to the fire and stabbed it with the fork "who's Cassie?"

"B'Elanna told me how she met you" Kathryn looked at him now as he slowly turned to meet his eyes.

Kathryn saw a flash of anger and pain in the dark eyes she had grown to trust. He held her gaze before turning back to the fire and saying simply "oh" offering no more.

After a minute of awkward silence Kathryn watched the way he stiffened as he almost attacked the fire. She knew he was going to say no more. "Sorry I shouldn't have said anything" she whispered looking down at her son and stroking his dedicate cheek.

"No, I don't mind really" Chakotay's voice cracked through the silence though he did not look at her "Cassie was with the maquis before I was"

"Oh" Kathryn said, she didn't know what else to say, he sounded so broken suddenly.

"Most of us joined in protest to the federation treaty" he carried on stroking the fire.

"most of you?" she asked watching him carefully with his back to her.

"Cassie was different" he said sounding angry now "she wasn't from the colonies she was from earth"

"Do you miss her?" Kathryn asked as Caleb finish feeding. She took the last gulp of her coffee mug before putting it down to fasten her top.

"Someday are better than others" he growled. "I hated them for taking her from me" his eyes burnt with tears as he said "I loved her" he couldn't believe he was saying this, not now, not after all this time. Not to Kathryn.

"I'm sorry you lost her Chakotay" she said sadly. Chakotay knew she meant it.

he was going to stop talking, he should have stopped talking but something in him knew for her to open up to him maybe he had to open up to her "she had protected me when-" but then he did stop. Those memories were too private. He could never tell her of that.

"When?" she asked.

"It doesn't matter" he shook his head and turned from her. Spirits he was crying. Kathryn needed better than this.

"Yes it does" she told him. She didn't want him to shut her out.

"Cassie and I were captured by the cardassians. A long time ago. Alone. For too long." he said deeply.

"What?" now she was shocked "B'Elanna never said"

"She doesn't know" his breathing was heavy and rugged "I haven't ever talked about it" her heart beat faster as she watched him crumpled on the floor. His back to her.

"Torture" his voice was so deep and broken Kathryn took a gasp "hell" it was more of as growl than words. "That kind of abuse should never be" Kathryn watched him. Her own breathing rugged as his great form trembled with tears on the floor before her "stripped naked" his words brought back awful memories for her beaten" he was gasping between tears "drugged. At first they forced me to have sex with her in front of them" shaking he finished "then they took her one by one and made me watch" Kathryn without hesitation laid Caleb safely on the chair. She was there instantly at his side as he wept "the stench of rotten flesh" he whispered.

Kathryn knew, she knew it all too well "Chakotay" she whispered, her breathing heavy as she wrapped her arms tightly around him. "Shush" she rested her forehead on the side of his head "Chakotay" she whispered in his ear the way she reserved only for him.

"Kathryn?" his eyes shot round to look into her deep blue orbs full of tears.

"It's ok" she whispered as she leaned in and kissed his cheek stroking his back.

"No Kathryn" he tried to hide his broken tears from her "I should never have said anything"

"Shush Chakotay" she whispered with love "it's ok"

"No Kathryn, I should be strong for you." he was pulling away.

"How about we try to be strong for each other?" she whispered in his ear.

"Could you still love me?" his voice cracked.

"Chakotay?" she leaned back shocked and hurt at his words.

"Could you still love your angry broken warrior?" his eyes met hers, a rugged silent plea.


	71. Chapter 71

**Once again huge thank you to Torimil for her great help and support…**

"I love you" Kathryn whispered in such a small whisper Chakotay didn't dare believe he had heard her say it. As she kissed his copper ear so unlike her she held him and reached a trembling hand to his face. He felt her trembling touch and turned to look at her deeply set blue eyes "Chakotay I love all of you" she told him again.

"Kathryn" he whispered as she kissed her lips to his softly.

"No doubt about it" she whispered into his face as he wrapped his arms around her. At that he felt her entire body tremble. Her eyes slid shut. He knew in a desperate attempt to shut him out.

"Kathryn?" he leaned back to look into her frightened eyes.

"Ssh" she tried to tenderly reassure him "I love all of you"

"Do you trust me?" came his question, a lot more steady. A lot more sure.

She gasped. She shook as she asked suddenly shocked and unsure "what?"

"Would you believe me? Do you believe what I tell you?" he was firm now. Strong and sure.

"I-" she began but pulled away quickly fear gripping her. He could never understand her pain. Even after all she had just been told. After all he and B'Elanna had shared he was sure he would hate her sure he would find her repulsive.

"I love you Kathryn" his voice was clear and deep. He stood. She stood too and backed away. "You have to believe me" he urged but still she kept her eyes on him. Her fear gripping her. His steady broad form walking towards her. She backing away in the fire light. "No matter what I love you" her told her. She wanted to run. To hide. He could never know. Then her back slammed against the old cottage wall. Her heart beating her body trembling. She had gone as far as she could go. "You can tell me anything and I'll still love you." he insisted still advancing towards her frightened body "I will always love you"

"Ok" her heart was beating. Her eyes shut. There was no escape for her now as he stood in front of her. His hand raised. Her eyes shot open. Such fear as she trembled, bracing herself for his force.

Then his hand met her shoulder. Tenderly he pulled her shaking body towards his. He looked into her eyes as they shown up at him with real emotions. "Do you trust me?" he asked brushing her hair tenderly from her face.

"Yes" it was a broken reply. Her body and eyes shaking with fear. Her heart pounding. Her breathing heavy. Her tears falling but Chakotay knew. Chakotay knew the truth. He knew she did trust him. If she didn't she wouldn't be stood there trying with all her. Might to let him hold her.

"Tell me" he begged "please" yes him was begging as he cupped her face in his hand and forced her to look at him "tell me what about your past." she was shaking like a leaf. Tears were falling. "What frightens you?"

"Chakotay I can't" her sapphire eyes were so bright, the rest if her so pale and shattered "please don't ask that of me" her eyes set so terrible was the story they hid even Chakotay was beginning to fear what she might tell.

"You can" he wrapped his arms around her. He was gentle "I know you can, I have faith in you" he stroked her wet cheeks and pulled her shaking body into an embrace "I love you" he told her. He wanted to crack but he knew he couldn't, whatever haunted her had to come out, today was the day "you're not alone in this"

"No!" she yelled it so violently it took him by surprise. With every effort of her will power she shoved him from her. She was breathing rugged as she stared at him. Anger flared from her. Her teeth grinded. Her eyes burnt. Her fists clenched and admiral janeway found her angry place.

"Yes!" Chakotay yelled. He met his wife's tone with such force it stroked both of them. His dark eyes stared at her. Her command mask glazed her eyes over. Too long had that damn Starfleet stolen her from him. Not this time. This time he was going to show that admiral the marquis way. He would win Kathryn back to save her from herself. If that admiral only recognised strength and command so be it. His dad was right. Kathryn had become admiral Janeway and he had to deal with her and put her in her little Starfleet box before he got Kathryn. Enough was enough. The angry marquis warrior was coming out to contend with the admiral. He gripped Kathryn firmly round the middle. She gasped as he picked her up and pressed her hard against the wall. He wouldn't let her move. "I want you to trust me" he hissed in her ear as he spun her round he kept her pinned to the wall. She stared into his eyes, he command mask keeping his wife from him. "Kathryn look at me" he said gently but he didn't let her move. Admiral Janeway didn't like the tenderness of his voice. Her eyes slid shut as her body shrugged to get away. Chakotay wouldn't let up. He took a huge risk he knew it. But enough was enough. He had to make her see. "Stay with me" he whispered fighting the admiral. So many years he was schooled in watching her features, her eyes. He knew when he was talking to Kathryn the woman or Kathryn the shutdown admiral. The tiny woman in his grasp stopped fighting him for release. She flopped into him. He let her fall softly into him. Catching her she looked at him. His strong arms holding her up. The blue eyes that looked up were shining, full of emotions and real "good" his dimpled smile looked into her beautiful freckled face "hello" he whispered. It was good to see his wife back and the admiral gone. She smiled a true smile. Though as he cupped her face in his hand she shook with trembling fear "now I need you to tell me" he whispered gently "I need you to trust me"

Kathryn stood there, he wasn't going to let up. She knew she had to tell him. She loved him. She wanted to love all of him. She wanted him to love her. Never had she known the true and steady hand of love but she knew if he was to truly be allowed to love her she must first break before him. If he turned from her. If he was repulsed so be it. If she didn't tell him she would never know. He could never know and there love as B'Elanna said would always be broken. "Not here" she suddenly found strength. Her fists clenched. Her eyes shut. Once again the anger flared in her. She went with her fists to push his chest away. "Not now" she shouted trembling as his steady arms gripped her wrists. He was not going to let her go. It was for her own good. Trembling she opened her eyes, looked at him and begged "I don't want my son to hear those things"

Chakotay stared at her. Her face was true. Her eyes shone with integrity. Did she really mean it? Was she really going to tell him? "Ok" he nodded loosening his grip even more. She could have pushed him and ran but she didn't her eyes met his as she stood before him. True integrity before him "ok" he whispered gently stepping back "we put him to bed"

"Thank you" she relaxed a little. Her heart pounding as she picked her son up from the sofa and cradled him fearfully in her arms.

Silently she carried her son past him to the door which lead to the stares. He whispered deeply as she walked away "then you tell me?"

"Ok" and with that she was gone from the room. Chakotay knew he could let her walk away and admiral janeway come back. Letting her go could mean he loose her. If she returned refusing to tell him he wouldn't fight her. He wouldn't make her. He would only silently love her.


	72. Chapter 72

**Some upsetting content. Please be advised before reading. Thanks.**

Kathryn sat in the chair furthest away from him. She was on edge. Fighting. Her blue eyes looked everywhere but him. "It's ok Kathryn take your time" he told her softly. His words seemed to still her slightly.

With a deep breath something in her changed. "I once knew a young girl, daughter of an esteemed Starfleet admiral." he smiled, third person, he could go with that. For now he would let her distance herself from the story. Her voice cracked as she said deeply "she dedicated her life to Starfleet" Chakotay smiled encouraging her to continue. Silent support without pressure "she would have done anything to please her father" Kathryn looked away distantly, Chakotay kept her face in his eyes. Ever watchful. This way he wouldn't miss anything "her very being from an early age was to be Starfleet" she shook at her words. "To make it to admiral and be only an admiral"

Chakotay knew that this was hard for her. Her words my not seem to have much consequence or relevance but he knew her. He knew her story had to begin with Starfleet as much as it had to end with Starfleet. "Go on" his smile offering steadfast support.

"But her daddy never noticed her" Kathryn stared at her pale hands the way she had always done when she was worried. "He was never home long enough to see her effort" Chakotay had always thought she was close to her father. He never knew she had felt distant from him. "It pushed her deeper into that world of command and order" Kathryn shuddered at the thought. Admitting softly "her father's disregard for her efforts to win his favour only pushed her emotions further down, she lived for protocol" tears began to form in Kathryn's eyes. Her body shuddered but Chakotay didn't interrupt, she needed to do it. He needed her to do it. He knew her; she wouldn't take strength from him. His heart swelled with pride for the courage she was taking. One day he would tell her but now he was content sitting at a distance and hearing her tell the story. "finally she was given a commission" tears fell now as she snorted "science officer" Chakotay watched her shudder "the ship was ordered to attempt a rescue of a small band of marquis on cardassia prime. Chakotay felt his heart clench inside him. Fear griped him as he looked at his wife. His breathing rugged. He knew he couldn't turn from her he couldn't because she would think she had repulsed him. He felt himself shaking with the anticipation of what she would say.

Chakotay knew for her he had to be strong, he had to hear her out. The ever steady man watched as her heart pounded. Her voice deepened. She stood. She paced. She was angry he could see it. He watched her. "Her commanding officer, Captain Paris as he was then was a great friend if her father. She wanted to please him as much as she had her daddy." she spat of handily, Paris, tom dad, Admiral Paris, Chakotay was seeing the threads of Kathryn's life laid bare. He let her stop and stand silently with her back to him. She let out a laugh, a blood curdling laugh.

"He asked for somebody to volunteer to go with him" her voice was weak. Her body shook. The deadly silence wore on. Chakotay leaned back in his chair; he didn't say a word he just waited. Steady and there for her.

"Captured" it was a hollow growl but it was there "a cardassian war camp" her back still to him he took the chance to close his eyes. He knew if she saw him do that it would hurt her. When he knew she was turning to face him he quickly opened his eyes to look at her. "20 long months" she was shaking and tears were falling. "No rescue" her voice was so distant and broken. He felt sick. Not with her but with the thought of what they would have done to her. So young, so small. His breathing quickened and deepened as he looked at her. Careful not to let any emotions slip for he knew she was watching him. Watching to see if her words would repulse him. He was so afraid that even the slightest muscle movement in his face she would think he were rejecting her. "The ship ordered to turn and go" she kept her unusually blue eyes fixed on his darkened eyes "and they did, the first officer fled, following her orders to the letter"

"20 months" Chakotay let any out a broken emotional gasp. "Spirits Kathryn" tears formed in his eyes. He was so broken, his wife had carried this burden alone too long if she would only let him he would gladly share it with her.

"Separated from all other prisoners" she told him "never had a Starfleet woman been a guest to cardassia prime."

"Guest?" Chakotay couldn't bring himself to hear her words the way she meant them. The time for her covering was up. Now what was needed was truth and reality.

"The guest of any cardassian man to pay the right price" her voice was deeper "sold in auction" she trembled as she fell to the floor. Her voice loud and broken "lots cast" her face covered with tears her voice heart retching as it broke.

"Kathryn" he was at her side on the floor. His tears not hidden as he tried to gently gather her into his arms "oh my Kathryn"

"No!" she bit him. It took him by surprise as he jumped back "get off me!" she shoved him to the floor as she stood. "Argh!" she was raging, she was trembling. She couldn't make it stop. He sat and watched. She shouted till she had no voice left in her. Then she grabbed anything she could lay her hands on and began flinging the objects mercilessly at the wall.

"Stop" he shouted grabbing her hands from behind and forcing them to her side. "Kathryn!" he made her look at him.

"No!" she spat trying to pull from him. She was raging. She was broken and confused. She had never once talked about this with anyone. Why now? Why the man she loved.

"Stay with me!" he kept his grip holding her hands safely at her side. "Lots cast" he repeated her last words calmly. He wasn't going to let her tell half the story. Neither of them were going anywhere now. Not till she had forced every last memory from her body. He knew it would hurt, like poison in a wound.

"Lots cast" she whispered looking into his eyes "forced to dance" she stilled no longer resisting his firm restraint.

"That's it" he let go of her keeping his eyes on her he stepped back. Once more sat in his chair "tell me the rest"

"Tied down and whipped." she whispered. She wasn't so angry now. Just broken and small. "That stench that awful stench" she shook her head "Starfleet abandoned me!" it was an almighty scream. Then she stopped, spun round realising her mistake "them!" she shouted grabbing one of Caleb's soft toys and aiming it at her husband. Furiously. She knew she couldn't fool him. She knew there was no point telling her story in third person "me" she whispered broken and dejected.

"Go on Kathryn" he urged picking up the soft toy where it had bounced off his torso and purposely handed it back to her.

It had the desired effect. like she remembered she had another to live for now she stood and let the tears fall sucking peace from her thoughts of Caleb "I chose it Chakotay" her steady eyes met his "stripped, chose to dance" she searched for the look if disgust in his eyes but she only found love "it was my choice" she couldn't see why he didn't understand that.

"You had no choice" husky voice was firm but gentle.

"Yes I did" she insisted meeting his eyes "but I let myself become their whore" at that word Chakotay felt sick. Exactly what he called her all those months ago, a trigger for her. She actually believed it. Sadness filled him. She was so much more, she was no whore, and she knew only what she knew. "I used my femininity and I sold it" Chakotay was silent. His dark eyes set as he walked towards her. "Say something say you hate me" she begged. he didn't say anything "say how disgusted you are with me" he tears streaming as she backed once again to the wall "cast me aside" she trembled as he stood before her "do it now and get it over with"


	73. Chapter 73

"I told you I love you" Chakotay insisted as he moved towards her. Enfolding her in his strong arms he told her "I could never cast you aside" tears formed in his eyes for her. She carried great pain and he had never known.

She pulled from his hug. Her eyes were such a bright blue, an unnatural blue. Her face a distinct colourless white. "But I told you-" her trembling voice began.

But Chakotay cut her off. his hands ran through her hair "and I told you things of my past you told me you still loved me" he cupped her stiff jaw in his hand and made her look at him "all of me"

"I do" it was soft. Almost silent. Her voice pure and real. Her eyes met his. She bit her bottom lip fighting for the control he could see she was losing.

He placed a gentle hand on her arm and stroked her lovingly "then trust me when I tell you I love all of you"

She smiled a real smile up at him and nodded. Still with her back against the wall he took her face in his hand. He stroked her cheeks so gently as he leaned his face towards hers. He was going to show her she didn't repulse him. He could see words alone would not convince her. "Chakotay" she gasped her eyes shutting her lips tight when she realised his intent.

"Humm" he pulled her shaking body to him. His lips centimetres from hers. Both their eyes shut.

"I'm frightened" she whispered. It was honest and real but she wasn't pulling away.

His eyes opened. She was trembling. "I know" he whispered. He took her hand. She opened her eyes. Their eyes locked for a second then so suddenly he closed the gap.

His lips met hers. His tongue soft and gentle as it teased her into parting her lips. With a half-smile his tongue took gentle loving entrance. The next thing he knew her hand went up, one hand grabbed his privates so tightly it sent searing pain through him. The other of her hands griped his neck digging her sharp nails in drawing blood. "Kathryn?" he gasped fighting to get away thinking she was attacking him in what she saw as self-defence.

"Shush" she told him, her force took him off guard. She spun him round. Now he was against to wall. He tried to break the kiss but her mouth and tongue invaded his roughly and without apology. Her body small and firm began to roughly dry hump him through their clothing forcing him harder against the wall; he was surprised at her strength. She began to slip down on him; he was stood firmly against the wall, his arms at his side, his legs parted. Chakotay found himself in a split second fighting the urge and desire to take her. Her teeth snapped at his nipple as she ran her fingers of one hand into his pants roughly and found her bulging prise.

"Kathryn" she was playing with him. Hell she was good. She nearly sent him into sensual oblivion but he clenched against the feelings she was making him feel "no" he groaned, this wasn't right. "Stop" hell he wanted her. His body loved every minute of it. If she carried on he would surely loose the battle of will and take her. She was good, her hands knew what they were doing damn it! His glazed eyes looked at her. He let out a hiss, she was undressing herself with one hand "what are you doing" he managed to get out through the sudden desire his body was falling into at her touch.

Fighting everything not to take her that way through every sense in his body was crying out for him to the gripped the wall behind him. He knew he couldn't push her off him either. She would think she had disgusted him, she would feel degraded and cast aside. Suddenly her hand moved from him. The sudden loss of contact nearly made him fall. Hell she was good he almost smiled. "I thought" her voice cracked as she turned away.

"No" was all he got out his breathing rugged. She turned. Her topless body unashamed before him. She knelt before him. Her hands working on undoing his belt.

Grabbing her hands he pulled her to stand again. His eyes looked at her with love as he picked up her top again and put it back on her, careful not to touch her breast. When she saw what he was doing she helped him fasten the top as she turned from him hissing "sorry" 

"Kathryn?" he lovingly placed a hand on her shoulder.

"I thought you wanted me?" he voice full of tears. Still she did not look at him.

Chakotay had found his control again as he stood behind her and purred in her ear "I have you"

"I thought you wanted me to pleasure you" she whispered "I could you know"

Turning her to look at him he ran his fingertip seductively from her ear, down her jaw line, down the front of her neck and into the valley between her breasts. Both their hearts beating as he purred "I am sure"

"I despise you?" she guessed at the problem.

"No" he gripped her by the shoulder and pulled her to him so her abdomen felt to bulge she had made in him "quite the opposite"

"then-" she looked confused her hand reaching for him again.

He grabbed her wrist and pulled it to his face to kiss her hand "you always said you didn't want it to be just about sex with us?" he told her, his eyes firmly and lovingly on her.

"I don't" her eyes closed, her head shut in frustration "I didn't"

"What do you want?" he held her but gave the power back to her.

"I want to know love" it was a broken and honest whisper. One Chakotay had not expected.

"love?" he whispered stroking her face tenderly with the back of his fingers "Kathryn have you ever known love?" he ran his hands of her back "felt it in a soft touch?" but when he looked into her eyes he saw there a sadness that showed him she hadn't "spirits" he gasped meeting her eyes. "But mark?" he questioned. The man she had been going to marry.

"Mark and I had a professional relationship. He was a childhood friend" she smiled blankly "we had both felt the knocks of life and turned to each other for a person to sit beside"

"You didn't love him?" Chakotay asked sitting down and watching her as she sat beside him.

"I did" she nodded sadly.

"Then?" he didn't understand. Had she not had sex with him for a reason?

"It was no more physical that being with a Vulcan" she snorted at that. Chakotay saw it wasn't a sad smile and he smiled too "it was easy" she tilted her head and nodded "easy to stay together" looking into Chakotay's eyes she gave a sad smile and told him "I was engaged to him for ten years before Voyager"

"Oh" Chakotay raised his eyebrows. That was not something he realised.

"We didn't live together" she told him "it was no more than a close platonic relationship we called an engagement."

"But when you got to Voyager?" Chakotay took her hand and stroked her knuckles with his thumb. It was all making sense now. Oh Kathryn. Oh his Kathryn.

"He was my safety net" she looked small and sad. "As long as I had a man to go home to I didn't have to admit I was in love with you." Chakotay smiled. He had always suspected this but she had never said it.

"Did he hurt you?" Chakotay dreaded to think that somebody else she trusted might have wounded her.

"Mark?" she looked horrified at the question "no he's a good man" she smiled warmly at the memory of him "it upset me a little when he wrote to say he married" Chakotay watched her, she had confided in him that sad day. He knew how much it hurt her but he had read the letter Mark had seemed a good man who wished her the best. Kathryn turned to look at Chakotay and saw him watching her. Placing her hand on his chest she smiled "but only because for so long with him I didn't have to say I was alone" her eyes down cast she added "then suddenly I was"

"You were never alone Kathryn" Chakotay took her hand from his chest and gave a gentle squeeze.

"Marks happy with Lucy and their children. So I'm happy for them" she smiled warmly "Molly and one of her now grown up puppies live with them" she giggled freely "I have extended visiting rights whenever I want"

"We all sacrificed a lot on Voyager" he was sad, he knew her smiles over her old dog hid a pain and guilt she carried.

She winked at him and moved closer into him "did you and Cassie know love? Physical love"

"Yes" he let his arm more around her and she rest herself on his chest "and it was beautiful" she looked at him. his pursed mouth twitched into a smile "we knew it rough too" she looked confused and worried "but done right and mutual that can be an act of love" he kissed her forehead as she gazed up in wonder.

"You must miss her physical love" Kathryn sighed.

"I miss her" he admitted. He looked down there she was the most beautiful woman of his dreams; his wife wrapped in his arms. Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway she was everything to him now, she abduction her son. "When Cassie died I used women as sex toys" he admitted "there for my enjoyment" Kathryn looked at him. It was an odd look, a distant look. "I never raped them or abused them." he stroked her hair softly "always consenting but as a marquis cell leader they lined up for me"

Kathryn sat bolt upright and shook her head. Her voice was deep her fists clenched "I know some cell leaders required the woman perform sexually before they could join"

"That was never my policy" he tried to reassure her "but if they wanted to I wouldn't turn them down" he knew he had to admit; she had the right to know the truth.

"Others still turned them away after" she stood and moved away. Her eyes narrowed and distant.

"You didn't stay in Starfleet because you chose to" she didn't look at him. He grabbed her shoulder to stare in her eyes "you stayed in Starfleet because the marquis turned you down"

"It doesn't matter" she tried to pull away. He held her. If he let her go he would never know.

"It does" he shouted in her face "which evil scum took from a woman and didn't even let her join?"

"he thought Starfleet sent me as their spy" she tried to get out his grasp "he said it would be a way he could be sure" Chakotay bared his teeth as he stared at her "but after he called me Starfleet's biggest whore" she met his eyes "he left me on the next M class planet"

"Not before he used you some more I'm sure" he let her go and watched her "no wonder you were so happy to take the job to bring in a marquis cell."

"By the time I had Voyager I was set" she admitted "command was in me" she was breathing hard. Her eyes stayed on his. "None of the past could get out from where I locked it away and I was going to take down the marquis" her arms folded her eyebrow raised "one cell leader at a time" she stepped with in centimetres of him. Tilted her face up. Curled her lips in a smile and said "starting with the infamous Mr Chakotay."

"I would have fallen at your feet and let you put me in shackles the moment you came near me" he was breathing hard "my heart did"


	74. Chapter 74

"Chakotay!" Kathryn was not happy with her husband. Her arms folded in front of her around a bundle of blankets, her brows drawn together and her jaw set.

Chakotay who was several paces before her turned to look at her "not far now" he grinned. She did the drowned rat look so well.

"Seriously Chakotay that's what you said an hour ago!" though she was shouting he heard the distinct smile in her voice. She was enjoying herself.

"So we are closer than we were an hour ago" he was teasing her and it annoyed her.

"I'm wet" she snapped at him. "So is Caleb" he came towards her to hug her "urgh so are you!" he pushed him away looking disgusted.

"Don't worry yourself" he laughed.

"I am not" she gritted her teeth and flicked her wet hair out her face "worried" rearranging Caleb's blankets she growled "if my son gets a cold I will personally see to it that you walk the plank Mr." there she went again "my son" her son she did like to pick and choose when he easy her and when he could be there's. He let it pass this time. But he wouldn't forever.

Watching her he laughed. Her head snapped up to issue a death glare that was dripping with water "your beautiful when your wet" his dimpled smile shone at her.

She looked his broad wet form up and down casually as she shrugged looked at him unimpressed and said too casually "pity you're not"

"Ouch!" he frowned at her curving smile as she shrugged turned on her heal and walked on past him.

"Where are we going?" she snapped as he caught up with her. She seemed to be walking never ending ancient narrow streets of Marseille, France.

"Where is your sense of adventure?" he wrapped husky wet arms around her from behind and nuzzled her neck.

"Back in the twentieth century before transporters existed" she growled brushing once again the wet hair from her face as she hitched the heavy bundle in her arms.

He leaned in and took the bundle that was Caleb from her hands. He was getting heavy now. Taking her hand firmly in his he lead her around the corner and smiled "were here"

She looked around stunned. Then she saw it just front of her the ancient bar. Its green front, the gold lettering. She sunk into him, her blue eyes shining "Sandrine's" she whispered. If felt like home.

"The real one" he kissed her cheek affectionately. He saw the look of joy and peace fill her eyes "after you" he opened the door for her.

"Oh no" she shook her head and gestured towards the door "after you" for so long she had gone first. Always in command with her just a little behind him. In her personal life she was determined to be the submissive. She wanted a strong husband to take control. He smiled she had always done that, he didn't mind. She wanted a strong loving husband she could submit to in a right and loving way she had it.

Taking her hand he stepped forward and lead her into the bar. "Chakotay!" it was mike. Instantly Chakotay let go of her hand to embrace his old friend and confidant. Kathryn took a step back. Half hid behind Chakotay. Had her brought her all this way in the pouring rain to hang out with his friends she didn't know so well.

"Hay what happened to you" mike flicked his friend's wet shirt.

"Best not to ask" Kathryn hissed quietly from behind her husband.

Mike seemed to see her for the first time, almost like he had not expected her to be there. He snapped to attention and said loudly "admiral in the bar" his mouth was smiling, it was supposed to be a joke but the whole thing was lost on her. All she was thinking was is this really what her former crew saw her was wanting. An admiral's welcome?

The situation wasn't lost on Chakotay who gently shook his head at mike who quickly and sheepishly relaxed at smiled at his best friend's wife. Neither had chance to say anything else because Sam Wildman came up to give her a hug. "Hay Kathryn"

"Sam" Kathryn laughed issuing her husband a death glare "I would hug you but my dear husband dragged me through a river"

"A river?" Sam and mike exchanged confused glances.

"Doesn't she look sexy though?" Chakotay beamed his proud dimpled smile. Rubbing her wet back and kissing her auburn hair.

"Looks angry to me" mike snorted at Kathryn with a feeling of joy that his best friend had finally found true love after Cassie.

Chakotay looked at Kathryn who's infamous death glare was aimed at him as she snapped "anyone going to tell me why we are here?"

"May 20th" he said softly.

"May 20th" was it really? She had never quite been with it since Jack. May 20th. "Oh" she sighed feeling stupid "I forgot"

"It's been a busy few moths" Chakotay drew her into a wet hug. She smiled softly.

Kathryn was just making her way towards the stares when a cold, emotionless voice said briskly "admiral Janeway" Kathryn turned slowly to greet her friend "you appear to be wet"

"Seven" Kathryn sighed "yes" she added with a fake smile "well"

"It is customary for me to wish you a happy birthday" with those stiff words she held out her hand for Kathryn to shake.

Taking the taller, thinner woman's hand feebly to shake Kathryn smiled and said in a deep voice "thank you"

"Indeed" nodded seven as though this were some kind of business transaction.

"Seven" Kathryn placed a soft hand on sevens elbow "it's good to see you"

Stiffly seven lowered her gaze to Kathryn's lingered hand "as it is you"

"Perhaps I should also congratulate you?" Kathryn looked puzzled till she saw the golden ring stood out delicately on her left hand now resting on sevens arm.

Pulling her hand away Kathryn stroked her ring with her thumb "seven" she whispered awkwardly "I hope we" she stopped and rephrased it "Chakotay and I hope we could remain friends"

"As you wish" nodded seven stiffly.

"It's not an order seven" Kathryn growled rubbing her head "I'm am not about to order you to be our friend" sevens reply was to nod, turn on her heal and go.

Kathryn just stood and watched her "what was that about?" B'Elanna came up behind. Kathryn let out a smile. Turning to the younger woman she met her eyes.

"I don't know" Kathryn said turning back quickly to where seven had been "a head ace?" then brushing it aside she turned back to B'Elanna asking softly "how are you? Sorry I didn't see you much when you came the other day"

"That's ok" B'Elanna reassured her "we talked that's that main thing" with a shrug she added "were ok" Kathryn could see a heavy burden on her friend. She didn't like to press. She just stayed and looked at her. B'Elanna rolled her eyes and said deeply "mirral is fighting us about going back to Jupiter station"

"It's a hard thing for her, back and forward" Kathryn Said honestly and softly.

"Maybe it's hard for all of us" B'Elanna shook her head and looked at Kathryn "I know I feel alone sometimes"

Kathryn smiled a sad knowing smile and said softly "Chakotay's still got classes at the academy" she smiled warmly "he loves his job" her shinning eyes meeting B'Elanna she said "it ties us to earth"

"Is that bad?" B'Elanna almost demanded.

"Sometimes" Kathryn laughed "just sometimes I wish I could leave"

"Jupiter station is always welcome to its favourite admiral" B'Elanna rested her hand on her friends shoulder. Upon the wet contact she asked "so what did happen to you three?"

"It's raining in Paris" Kathryn groaned.

B'Elanna looked horrified "you didn't transport?"

"Yes" Kathryn raised an eyebrow and a crooked smile "on the train"

"What?" B'Elanna couldn't believe her ears.

"Adventure" the wet auburn hair admiral hissed.

"Oh" B'Elanna tried to hold in her laughter but failed.

"Seriously he's as bad as tom" Kathryn laughed "sometimes I question why I married him"

"Get out of here" B'Elanna pushed her towards the stares her own face in a laugh "you can dry off up stares" Kathryn turned from her friend and began waking up the stairs. Something told her everything would finally be ok. "Kathryn" B'Elanna called after her.

"Yea?" the small woman turned.

"It's good to see you looking so free and happy" Kathryn laughed a little laugh in reply and made her way up stares.

The party was relaxed. Kathryn and Chakotay dried off and changed. Kathryn felt loved and happy that those closest to her had joined to celibate her birthday. Even when she herself had forgotten. Even her mother was there and Kathryn had watched with a smile as tom did a fine job at introducing her and giving her the low down of all Voyager crew. "That Paris boy" as she had often tutted about in years past seemed to have won her affections. Chakotay was playing pool with a number of his former marquis crew. Kathryn's little family was all grow up. As she stood and watched them all from the doorway of a side room where she had laid Caleb for his nap her heart felt content.

"Where my favourite admiral?" a smiling voice made her jump.

"I don't know" she didn't move. Didn't look at the owner familiar voice. She had hoped perhaps he wouldn't seek her out, he would give her the privacy of not having to face the shame when she thought of him.

"Penny for your thoughts" the tall, light haired man stepped so close to her their sides were touching.

Silence lingered as he stared at her. "Tom" she whispered her eyes filling with hot tears as she turned in obvious shame from him.

Tom acted as though she hadn't spoken as he said "only I can't help thinking in the hour you have been here, your ignoring me"

Her eyes where bright and watery as her head shot up to meet his gaze "not ignoring you" she insisted.

"Avoiding" he corrected himself seriously.

"A little" she admitted turning her back on him. Her heart burning with shame.

"You don't have to Kathryn" his voice was as gentle as his touch on her shoulders.

"Don't tom" she snapped. Fear and guilt washing over her.

"Lanna said you talked to her" tom stepped back but his eyes never left her. Quick as a flash she spun round. Rage in her blue eyes as they met his. But tom knew this woman. Rage was only the cover. Fear was what she was really feeling. Fear and shame. "No details" tom insisted.

"Did you tell her" her eyes were set and serious "about" her voice was cracking "when I" she couldn't finish her sentence.

"You coming on to me?" tom asked gently.

She showed him only her back. Her voice raw and deep as she trembled "yea"

"No" he smiled stepping behind her "this is the part where I could blackmail you" his hand reached her hair gently. She shook as he brushed it aside, leaned into her ear and whispered with a real softness "but I love you too much for that"

"Tom" she shook. Tears fell.

"Both Chakotay and B'Elanna will understand" he told her turning her body to him "I do" he smiled "but it's got to come from you"

"Tom" again she said his name fear and shame trembling from her. She felt disgusting and her half hidden face showed that to tom.

Clasping her chin in his hand he made her look at him "your beautiful" he told her. Not is a sexual way but in the way of a loving friend begging her to see. He leaned in. Plated a gentle kiss on her cheek and whispered in her ear "don't forget it" she watched him, she watched as he stepped away and looked out at the party "I don't judge you" he told her "I admire you greatly"

"That's good to know" she stood staring at this man with his back to her. She didn't know what else to say.

Changing the subject he turned to her with his trade mark grin "so where is that gorgeous son of yours?"

"Asleep over there" she gestured towards the cot of blankets.

Tom smiled down into the cot. He was taken by surprise. There was no child there. "Kathryn?" he said steadily staring at the bundle of empty blankets. Moving over to him her face looked confused.

"Hello Voyager" Kathryn froze. She knew that voice. It sent fear up her spine. He eyes looked into the eyes of the man she stood beside "it seems Mr Chakotay forgot my invitation" the drawling voice called over the music. "Not to worry I found got here anyway"

"Jack!" Kathryn hissed fear for her son gripped her. She was about to run into the party room when two strong arms wrapped around her restraining her. Her tiny body slammed against the man holding her. He wouldn't let her go.


	75. Chapter 75

**Just a small on to keep all of you (and me) hanging on it…**

**Thanks for all your supportive reviews! I cannot believe the story is this LONG! But I am loving it!**

"Kathryn" his voice hissed in her ear restraining her hard against his chest "no" he told her as she struggled to run to main party room.

"Tom" she struggled to free herself, her voice in its own deep undertone "what are you doing?"

"If he doesn't know where you are you will be safer here" his grip was firm and unrelenting "at least for now" 

Jack stood before the silenced crowd of ex-voyager crew Caleb screaming loudly in his arms "tom please my son" Kathryn was shaking. Anger and fear engulfed her.

Tom stroked her arms in comfort as he said "it will be better off for him if you stay hidden"

Kathryn's material instinct didn't allow for that. She knew that man. Wrestling with her ex-helmsman she went to shout "Jack-" but toms hand came crashing down on her mouth to silence her.

"Shut up" his hissed in her ear "just stay close" he was about to pull her round the corner into hiding when he felt her shudder and whimper in his arms.

He release his had just a little and her tiny voice cracked "tom"

"Look at me Kathryn" his voice was soft as he turned her in his arms to look at him "I'll be damned if he hurts you" his hands wrapped around her waist pulling her into a hug. "Just trust me" slowly she relaxed into him. Resting her frightened head on his chest. She knew he was right. She also knew none of the Voyager crew would let him harm Caleb. Chakotay certainly wouldn't.

"What is this?" Jack spat moving towards Chakotay "happy birthday to the great Kathryn Janeway?" tom held Kathryn with her back to the screen giving him ample view of what was happening "so where is this birthday girl hay Indian boy?" Jack met the furious eyes of Chakotay who had been searching the room with his eyes in search of his very vulnerable wife. It terrified him to the bone that he couldn't fine her but he was determined to not let that show to Jack. 

"Look at this" Jack let out a hysterical laugh. Tom felt her chest press tighter against him. Her heart pounding with fear and anger. Her body shuddered at the thought that he held her son. "He doesn't know where his wife is" Kathryn's eyes slid shut. She clung harder to Tom for support. He ran his hand down her long hair to give her that support. "Don't worry" Jack jeered at the heavy breathing Native American "she's safe in the arms of another man" at his words both Kathryn and tom froze. Tom didn't let go of her, she was still clung to him for support. "A married man"

"Go to hell!" Chakotay hissed how dare this man lie about his wife so publicly.

Jack smiled. He had his opening to send this little marriage crashing down "don't believe me?" he scoffed "ask her" with that Jack turned. Chakotay followed his eye line. There in the door frame for all to see stood Kathryn and tom Paris. Each wrapped in the other's arms. Toms hand in her hair. She was resting her head on his chest. Even then they didn't pull from each other. He felt sick. His breathing quickened. She was afraid of his touch but would fall willingly into the arms of tom Paris.

Tom slowly lowered his hand from her hair and kept his blue eyes on Jack. He didn't dare look at Chakotay. Kathryn gave one last squeeze of tom body. A secret plea for strength and support before she prized herself from her caring friend and faced the father of her child. "Jack" her husky voice was surprisingly level and full of strength.

"Ask your whore of a wife how I managed to take her child from right in front of her" Jack jeered at Chakotay who stood staring confused at Kathryn. What he saw hurt him. "All because she was too busy begging a married man not to tell you she had kissed him while on honeymoon with you"

"Tom" B'Elanna was angry and confused. A hug at a party could be explained but a kiss alone in Paris, with Paris?

"B'Elanna it's not what you think" tom completely let go of Kathryn and stepped towards his wife but keeping the now ashamed form of his ex-captain in a protective manner behind him.

"Oh no" Jack smiled at him "Mr Paris here rejected her" then turning to Kathryn he looked at her like she was disgusting scum and told her "you've lost your touch girl"

"Kathryn?" Chakotay looked hurt as he advanced towards his unusually quite wife. Even tom was silent.

"go on tell him" she shouted Jack laughed at her "tell him what a filthy whore you are that you would kiss his _sister's_ husband while on your honeymoon" tom took her protectively into his arms as Jack laughed at her "do you deny it?"

Refusing to look at Chakotay Kathryn stepped forward. Set her jaw. Clenched her fists and told Jack "I deny nothing"

"Kathryn?" Chakotay was shocked and hurt.

Jack stepped towards her "don't you dare take one more step" tom was in front of her like a flash.

"Protective" Jack stepped back. Chakotay, tom and mike drawing closer to him from three sides "you like your men that way"

"Tom is not my man" Kathryn snapped.

"No?" Jack questioned her.

"No" she spat back.

"No" his evil mouth curled into a smile "he cast you aside. Disgusted at what a dirty whore you are." laughing he told her "oh I could tell them, tell them all how you scream in the throws of passion" "but that image of such an ugly woman would make them sick"

"Give me back my son and get the hell out of here" she was shaking with fury.

"No" he told her commandingly the stroking the baby's head he smiled "I think I'll go though, and take my son with me"


	76. Chapter 76

Kathryn was furious. But Chakotay was quicker. But Jack laughed. "A devoting father to another man's child?" then looking around the public room full of all Kathryn's friends Jack knew he was destroying her peace by peace and he loved it. The thrill of being the one to destroy her. "Did she tell you Chakotay was the father?" turning back to her he smiled "she lied"

Kathryn met jacks eyes. Chakotay watched him. He wanted to rip this man's head off but not while he held Chakotay in his arms. Jack seemingly put out by the screaming baby looked at the child in disgust. Thrust him in to Kathryn's and said "the brat cry's more than it's mother" Kathryn cradled her child but kept her emotions in check before Jack and her crew. "Disgusting" Jack snarled. Leaning in he talked only so she and Chakotay could hear "I could take him now and hurt you but that would be nothing to what I want to do to you. Nobody takes my seed and leaves me. I will destroy you" he hissed "when I'm done with you will regret the day you disobeyed me"

With that he was gone.

Kathryn held tight to her child. She didn't dare look at any of the crew staring at her. She turned to take Caleb into the side room when I firm male hand gripped her elbow. Looking down she saw the copper brown fingers she knew so well. She tried to pull away but he only gripped her harder. Looking furiously into his eyes she saw no emotions. Nothing she could read. Closing her eyes she shook her head "please"

"What are you all standing around staring at?" Chakotay yelled. "This isn't a spectators sport" Kathryn watched him but didn't see where he was coming from. Her eyes fell on tom, whispering I'm B'Elanna's ear. She looked concerned not angry. Chakotay followed his wife's vision. "Not here" his voice was controlled and firm. When she met his eyes she gave a feeble smile. He returned it. He took Caleb from her arms, she didn't protest. Handing his son to Sam he turned and whispered something in Mike's ear. Then he said something to Sam. Both agreed to whatever he asked. Turning back to Kathryn he took her by the arm "walk" he hissed steering her the other way, through the crowd. She held her head high. He watched her. He took her upstairs to one of the bars bedrooms. Opening the door he almost threw her inside. Shutting it he bolted it. 

She didn't turn to him. She stayed in the centre of the room. Head held high. Her back to him. He was breathing hard. She made no effort to move. After what Chakotay felt was a reasonable silence he said in his marquis command voice he had long left behind "you know Kathryn I could take you right now on this bed"

She didn't look at him. She didn't care anymore. Men were all the same given half the chance. "I know" she shrugged.

Chakotay watched her. She didn't squirm. She didn't fight. "how does it feel Kathryn" his voice was deep and calm "to know I could do anything I want with you?" she didn't reply "I know a little of what you could offer me" still no response "does it frighten you?" he pulled her to him her buttocks pressed against his hard bulge. She shook her head. "No" he smiled softly "but the truth does" he ran his fingertip through her hair "I love you" her body stiffened. Chakotay smiled. Turning his wife to face him he saw her terrified blue eyes. "My dearest Kathryn" he stroked her face she turned away. "Did you kiss him?" she shook her head. "Did you want to?" again she shook her head "did you try to?" she didn't shake her head. Taking her chin in his fingers he made her looks at him. Again he asked "did you try to?"

"Yes" it was feeble. It was broken but it was honest.

"Kathryn I don't understand" Chakotay felt sad and conflicted. She turned away "what made you do that?" she shook her head "Kathryn I love you and I know you love me" he looked angry "I don't believe for one second you did it out of what lust." Kathryn turned to him. She thought he had believed Jack.

Engulfing her in a hug he whispered into her hair "let's start with what you and tom talked about in Paris." she refused to speak. Chakotay took in a large intake of breath. He was seeing a pattern. One he didn't know how to break. She only talked to him when he was forceful. "Kathryn please" he whispered. She felt him shudder around him as he held her.

"He knew" she said softly into her husband's chest "Chakotay he knew I had been on cardassia prime"

Chakotay drew from her and looked her deeply in the eyes then he understood. He smiled and tucked her long hair behind her ear and whispered "you tried to stop he telling me" when Kathryn smiled a sorry smile at him he carried on "like payment but tom stopped you" Chakotay let out a hearty laugh "Paris is a better man than I ever thought."

"I was getting some quite this evening" Kathryn told him the tears in her eyes "tom came to me, he had seen the shame in which I looked at him."

Chakotay stood in silence to look at her "he tried to convince me to tell you what I had done. That there was no reason to be afraid or ashamed" she shook her head "that he didn't think any less of me"

Chakotay took her hand and stroked her knuckles "that's what Jack must have heard" she took a shaky breath and nodded.

"We realised Caleb was missing just as Jack made his presence known" she was fidgeting again. Looking away from him. He stayed silent. Watching her. Letting her talk. "My instinct was to run into the party room. Tom stopped me. He said I would be safer not letting Jack know where I was" she hung her head "I was frightened" she admitted "for my son I was frightened but I knew tom was right" she moved from him "I knew I had to stay hidden. I stopped fighting him. His restraining became a strong comforting hug." she smiled dully "I turned to him for support" her eyes met his rich in honesty "not as a lovers embrace as a friend." turning once more from him she added "I knew you would protect my son"

"Our son" Chakotay's voice cracked just a little with pride for this glorious woman that was his wife.


	77. Chapter 77

**Thank you to all of you for sticking with this story. I listen to my reviews and love you all to review. I have had in all my stories some reviews asking me to seek a Beta, even a number of people offering me their skills. I have always declined feeling this would slow the publishing process and that the most important thing is to get chapters written and out quick. Actually on further thought, I feel this is not always the 'best' course of action. I write the chapters, on my cell phone, where auto correct is not good to me, add that to writing in a rush during a working day and well…. You know the results….. So I have heeded warnings, I now have a lovely Beta for all the upcoming chapters…. I have also decided to give this story the time and delicate care it needs in the writing. These two factors together mean I will not be updating as quickly as I have been but it is my aim that when I do the work will be of better quality all round! This in hindsight I feel perhaps is what the readers want, and deserve. Thank you! And Most of all thank you to Toriemil for her continued support in this story endeavour. **

"What the hell was that?" Mike shouted at the crowd once he could be sure Kathryn and Chakotay were out of ear shot.

Harry piped up "who does he think he is?"

"I'll rip his head off" said B'Elanna as she pounded her fist on the table. Spinning toward Tom, she grabbed his shirt and yelled furiously "you, Fly Boy better tell them all she didn't. She wouldn't!"

"I think they know that Lanna" he said calmly taking her hand and making the angry Klingon sit down.

"The baby isn't Chakotay's" Susan Nicolette said innocently.

Megan Delaney spoke up "She wouldn't lie to him." Everyone looked at the attractive twin as she shrugged "She knows how important a child is to Chakotay." Now they were all staring.

"We all do" added her also attractive twin sister Jenny.

"You don't think that's why he married her" Barry Hickman asked cautiously, "because she told him she bore him a child?"

"Could be" Jane Mecey, one of the Voyager crewmen said looking at the child in Sam's arms, "he is as white as snow" she turned to face them all "not a drop of Chakotay in there."

"That's not the Admiral!" Mike insisted knowing how much that would kill Chakotay.

"Does anybody really know her?" another crewman piped up. When every stared at him, he lost his nerve and added, "I mean, what if?"

"You take that back!" shouted a furious B'Elanna as she had the poor man around the neck and against the wall.

"Commander Torres, that does not help matters," Tuvok spoke for the first time. Everyone turned to him, expecting this old and dear friend of the Admiral to say more. Tuvok offered nothing else to the gathered crowd.

The silence gave Mike, Chakotay's closest friend time to think. "He wasn't surprised at all," the dark skinned Asian man said.

"What?" Tom looked at him confused.

"I know Chakotay," Mike told them all seriously. Everyone knew how close they were. "Not one thing Lang said surprised him." Mike was so disgusted he used Jack's surname to show it.

"That's because my daughter is no liar," A the deep firm voice that could have been Kathryn herself came from nowhere.

"Mrs Janeway!" Mike gasped. Everyone turned. They had forgotten Kathryn's mother was there.

"I was there when she told him she was pregnant," Gretchen announced much to the obvious surprise of the gathered crew. "He has known the truth from the beginning, and has chosen her and her son."

"The fact is whatever Chakotay's reasons for accepting Caleb as his; it's their business. What matters to us is sticking by her" Sam told them all firmly as she cradled the baby.

"Lieutenant Wildman is right," Tuvok told them.

"Well I didn't like it when he called her a whore," Noah Lessing, of all people, shouted from somewhere in the back.

"No, I didn't like that much myself," Mike admitted.

"I'll rip his head off if he touches her again!" B'Elanna hissed through gritted teeth, her fists clenched.

All eyes were now on the half Klingon. Tom took her shoulder and made her look at him "B'Elanna?"

"She left him because he beat her!" B'Elanna told them all.

"What?" Harry let out a whistle. He had no idea.

"He beat the Admiral?" Mike said slowly and stiffly "no slime lays a hand on any female in my family that way and gets away with it!" He marched towards the door to go after Jack. That man would suffer for this.

"Mike!" B'Elanna called after her old friend as she ran towards him.

"She's my best friend's wife!" Mike was breathing hard as turned to face the half Klingon. "That man will pay!"

"Perhaps you should tell us what happened Commander Torres," Seven said calmly, "and how you came by this information."

B'Elanna looked at her friend, hung her head and said a little too harshly, "all I know is you came to her office for a chat one evening. Before that Kathryn hadn't known you and Chakotay were-" but B'Elanna, conscious of Seven couldn't find the words to finish.

"Separated?" Seven offered stiffly.

"Sorry Seven" B'Elanna felt really awkward now.

"It is fact" Seven informed them all dryly "I chose to leave Chakotay because of his feelings for Kathryn." She stood tall and raised her head, "l couldn't be second best." Most of the crew felt sorry for her about this. "I deserved better" she told them all.

"Yes, you did," Sam said as she placed her hand of Seven's arm "nobody blames you for what happened between you and Chakotay," reassuringly she added "least of all Kathryn."

"She doesn't?" Seven had not anticipated this. In her opinion, her friend had always looked hurt and distant when she and Chakotay were together. She had often thought Kathryn would blame her in some way for that hurt.

"No," Sam smiled "and that's a fact."

"You were saying B'Elanna?" Mike interrupted. This interlude with Seven was all very nice and touching, but it was not the matter at hand.

"Seven came to her office one evening; thought her reason I don't know," B'Elanna began again.

"I remember that," all eyes were back on the busty blonde "it was a personal matter. I have always seen Kathryn as mentor."

"You went to a friend for advice" Mike nodded. It was like having a child in the room. How was this relevant? Did it matter? He couldn't see how.

"Yes," Seven nodded "she was open and informative" ploughing on she added "we talked a long time." Everyone watched her as she added "she drank lots of coffee." That made Gretchen smile. "It was late when we parted and she said she had to get home." At this point, Seven straightened her back even more. "She became anxious." This got Mikes attention. "I asked her then if there was there a problem, but she just smiled weakly and thanked me for a lovely chat." Seven looked almost emotional at this and continued, "she had forgotten what it was like to be free with a friend." Tom and B'Elanna exchanged strange looks. "I asked her if she would visit Chakotay," Seven continued "she told me he owned her a long overdue rain check"

"Rain check?" Mike asked.

Seven looked emotionless and innocent as she confirmed "my understanding was that Kathryn had invited him to dinner just as our relationship was beginning. He turned her down and offered her a rain check as he had a pre-arranged date with me." B'Elanna stifled a laugh, Tom snorted, Harry blushed and Mike looked awkward in place of his friend. "I understand she distanced herself from him from that moment on," Seven offered. She didn't understand her fellow crew's reaction to her words.

"So, erm… this little rain check," Tom snorted "was she going for it then?"

B'Elanna kicked him.

"No, I do not believe so," Seven said innocently "she seemed certain she had to get home to Admiral Lang."

Everyone suddenly remembered the reason for this conversation and Sam turned to B'Elanna "but he beat her you say?"

"For coming home late," B'Elanna said stiffly through gritted teeth.

"This is an outrage." Seven said in such an emotionless voice that anyone who didn't know her might have thought she didn't mean what she said. But the Voyager crew knew different.

"I will kill him!" Mike yelled full of so much emotion and anger no one dared challenge him. "I will kill him myself!"

"I never liked him," Harry added feebly.

"Please, you thought he was great for her." Tom spat at his friend.


	78. Chapter 78

Kathryn woke to the sound of a baby crying loudly in her ear. The room was dark and unfamiliar to her and she felt the heavy cloud of sleep still fogging her mind, making her feel weak and confused.

"Kathryn," a male voice whispered close in her ear. She heard the voice, but could not register who was speaking or what was being spoken.

Kathryn found herself in bed with a man. He was spooning her from behind. She felt disoriented and unsure of who she was with and her surroundings. She didn't want to turn to the owner of the strong arms wrapped around her, she didn't remember how she got in this position, but she felt content just laying that way; the heavy fog of sleep still clouding her thinking. A mental check of what she could figure out in her deep fog told her she wasn't naked, nor was the strong man behind her.

"Kathryn," the deep hoarse whisper came again "Caleb is hungry." Kathryn shifted her body slightly and forced her heavy eyelids open just enough to look down and see the crying baby was her son, Caleb wrapped tightly in her arms. She did not remember falling to sleep with him in her arms.

Feeling too drowsy and deep in sleep, she nestled back down on the bed and said lazily, "you'll have to do it," as she once again drifted off to sleep.

"No replicator," he whispered softly in her ear as slowly, one hand moved upwards from resting on her stomach and found her breast. It was lovely and very full as gravity made if fall into his hand. She felt the man's hot breath against her neck. She still wasn't awake enough to coherently process where she was but somehow she knew she was safe. She could feel it and it felt wonderful. Good thing, because she had no energy to fight anyway. The warm hand around her breast began to slowly knead the soft full mound. Then the firm hand was undoing the tie of her dress which held the flimsy peace of material over her breast. She couldn't think straight and the baby wouldn't stop screaming. Still not understanding what was happening to her, she somehow found the ability to move her hand up to smack his away. She had no energy to do anything else. "Easy, love" the male voice said softly as he felt her confusion, "I am trying to get you ready." With great effort Kathryn once again mustered the strength to fight through the fog of sleep and open her eyes to look down. Her breast was now exposed and lean, tanned fingers she knew so well were caressing her now involuntarily hard nipple.

"Chakotay" she mustered in a low, almost incoherent voice as she struggled to fight through the fog of sleep. She didn't want it this way this. She still struggled to cut through the fog, she was helpless. Kathryn found she had no energy to move. How had this happened? Closing her eyes, she sunk back into him where he spooned her. "Chakotay stop, please" her voice was cracked, only a quarter of her usual strength as she struggled to understand what was happening. His hand on her breast confused her. She felt so content and safe. It was how she had dreamed of feeling after they had -.

"Kathryn, it's Caleb," said Chakotay as he placed a firm hand under the child in her arms "he needs feeding." With that she watched as her husband guided the child towards her now ready nipple. "Love, there is no replicator," Chakotay said by way of explanation "you'll have to do it the old fashioned way." Kathryn then felt the sharp tug of her child latching on as Chakotay guided Caleb to her breast. Very quickly her son stopped his urgent cries and was instantly content at his task. Chakotay's strong arms pulled them both tighter to his body as his hot breath fanned her neck as he held their son to her breast.

Chakotay felt primal; his wife feeding his son as they shared a bed. This is what he dreamed of for so long. To him, she was brave, strong and beautiful. She had mustered so much courage. As she almost fell back to sleep in his arms, her hair fanning his shoulder with their son feeding on her pearly breast he knew everything was going to be ok. One day, things would always be like this moment.

Kathryn sunk into him and let her eyes close. Her body was weakened a great deal, but she couldn't remember why. The idea she had been drugged flashed through her mind, it wouldn't be the first time it had happened to her. When it came to men her mind always went to the worst first, but that wasn't who Chakotay was. He was a far better man than she had ever known. He made her feel safer than she ever had, but she still had a hard time trusting tenderness. She couldn't get the feeling of why she was dazed out her mind. Maybe just a little sleep would make things clearer. She would work it out in the morning.

As she relaxed and let her eyes close, her mind began to wander and it all began to come back to in a huge flood of fragmented memories. Sandrine's, she had been at Sandrine's. She had been wet. Chakotay had made her travel in the rain. "Fun," he had said. It was her birthday and the whole crew was there. Naomi had been to visit Icheb and was telling everyone who would listen what it was like at Starfleet Academy.

Kathryn smiled in her half drowsy sleep. Chakotay was watching her and holding their child who still suckled hungrily at her breast. Her mind wandered back to the evening before…Tom had been there, B'Elanna, Harry, Sam and Mike and even her mother. Kathryn felt warm and loved. Maybe everything was going to be ok?

She remembered Tom's hands in her hair, hugging her then everybody staring. She had gone to kiss him. No, that was at the cottage in Paris, she shut her eye's tight trying to clear her mind. Then, Jack! Oh God! Jack had Caleb. Her body immediately stiffened as adrenaline kicked with full panic beginning. Chakotay noticed. "Kathryn?" he said as he let his hands run down her hair and kissed her cheek in an attempt to soothe her. Images filled her mind again as the panic continued to coarse through her. The crew staring at her, Chakotay angry, she was called a whore. They all looked at her disgusted. Their "Whore of a Captain" was what she was sure she saw in in their eyes. Then she remembered Chakotay quickly leading her to a room, this room. He had bolted the door. He was horny and angry; he had asked her what it felt like to know he could take her right there. Tom, B'Elanna, Tuvok…they had been here in this room. She tried to piece together what she had in her mind...


	79. Chapter 79

**Once again a huge thank you goes to Toriemil for her continued support and effort in this story.**

Kathryn now lay in Chakotay's strong and sheltering arms after the panicked and disturbing thoughts that had overtook her mind. Chakotay had held onto her and Caleb as he fed from her breast while she struggled to hear his calm voice in storm of memories. She had been so emotionally distraught after Jack's visit and the nasty things he said that her body had succumbed to sheer physical and emotional exhaustion. It had left her in such a deep sleep that when she woke to the sound of Caleb crying, it was a bit before she realized where she was and that she was safe. Her mind was still struggling to clearly remember the last few hours before they had gone to bed. She somehow managed to think through what had happened after she and Chakotay had gone to the bedroom leaving Caleb with Sam...

_They had been silent for twenty minutes now lost in the thoughts of the tense moments before. She had been afraid he was extremely angry at her. The fear that he was going to believe the twists that Jack had made about her and Tom in front of the entire crew had paralyzed her. She knew he was angry when they went to the small room, but she was thankful that they had the privacy. She didn't think she could have faced him leaving her in front of everyone. Jack had already humiliated her. Chakotay would have been the ultimate devastation._

_Chakotay had taken a seat on the small bed. There was little other furniture in the small, unfamiliar room. Kathryn sat on a small wicker chair nearby, sitting sideways to him and staring out the window with a distant look plaguing her face as she gazed at the sun setting against the rain filled sky. _

_She fidgeted in the chair, unable to stay in one place while the overwhelming tornado of feelings swirled around her threatening to permanently destroy the fragile peace she and Chakotay had worked so hard to attain the last year. Still sure Chakotay was angry with her, she couldn't collect her thoughts in one place; she couldn't bring herself to look at him, frightened to provoke the tentative situation. "Do you want to talk about it?" Chakotay softly asked after watching her for several more moments. _

_"About what?" she asked as she turned slowly toward him trying to sound casual but her haunted, wide blue eyes said it all. _

_"How you feel about what he said?" asked Chakotay as he offered her a tentative starting point. __He knew she didn't want to talk about it, but knew if she didn't that she would take the events of the evening and bury them under her command composure. It would alienate her from him and the rest of the Voyager family. Chakotay knew if he let her sink back into that command mask, like she always had, he would lose her. He feared the strain would be too much and that he may never find her again. For too long Admiral Janeway had kept Kathryn safe at the expense of herself, the expense of the woman within._

_Kathryn did not meet his eyes; her head hung in shame. She didn't want to admit what had happened and she still found herself shaking with fear, an old fear, a fear she thought she had long since left behind. Holding her head high in front of the crew had taken all the strength she could muster. She didn't know what they must think of her after Jack's words, but her command training had kicked in. Right now, Chakotay, her husband, would not accept Admiral Janeway standing before him and she knew it. He wanted Kathryn, but she wasn't sure Kathryn was strong enough. She sat there staring at her tiny hands shaking as they clasped in her lap. She wondered what had happened to her, she was only a shell of the woman she had known on Voyager. Deep down, Kathryn knew, and she knew Chakotay knew, she had always been this woman, always been a wreck since the day that first Cardassian man had flung her against the cavern wall in that rotting hell. Admiral Janeway had just somehow contained her, contained the tainted, fearful woman and kept her in the strict confides of Starfleet protocol. Once that was stripped away, the woman left now sat on that wicker chair in the upper room of Sandrine's bar. Chakotay did not relent in his steady, caring eye contact. It was his silent plea for her honesty. He wanted her to know that she could tell him anything; he wasn't going to leave. He would love her and hold her no matter how broken or scared, all he asked for in return was Kathryn and not the Admiral to open up her heart to him. As though reading his mind, she closed her eyes, shook her head, looked back out of the window and offered feebly, "it hurt he said it to the crew."_

_Chakotay was thankful for the start, at least she was talking, and for a moment there he had been afraid she would completely shut off. Still holding her in his steady gaze, he gently pressed for more from her. "Just the fact he said it must have hurt?" Chakotay asked her calmly._

_"Not really," Kathryn said as she tried to shrug his words off. She didn't know how to admit just how much Jack's words were killing her on the inside._

_Chakotay waited for a second just in case she changed her mind, but when she offered no more and turned back to look out the window he said firmly but lovingly, "I don't believe you," as he sat looking at her from across the room._

_Her body spun round, her eyes shot a look at him with a flash of anger, but he didn't let it bother him, he kept his unrelenting gaze trained on her. Kathryn's heart quickly soared and her anger sank when she saw the love in his eyes looking back at her. It suddenly dawned on her that he had not once looked away from her since they had entered the room. He was not looking at her with disgust or anger, she saw only love and pride in his deep, richly dark eyes. It was a quiet pillar of strength for her. She wondered if he knew how much his quiet presence gave her the strength she needed to brave each second of what was happening. Being emotionally naked, even in front of the husband that loved her so dearly was an overwhelmingly terrifying task. She had never opened up to anybody in this way. How could she do it now? Only with the courage and strength of Chakotay, did she find the courage to say, "Maybe a little," she admitted faintly._

_Still not taking his eyes of her, Chakotay knew he had to push her. If she wouldn't do it herself, he would do it. Taking in a deep breath, Chakotay knew what he was about to say would sicken him just as much as it would hurt his wife, but he had to keep her talking. He had to stop her from shutting down on him, even if it pushed her. "He called you a whore," Chakotay said slowly and calmly though the words made anger well up in him for what Jack had done to his precious wife. All the while he was watching for any reaction. He was very surprised when he found none._

_"I heard," was all she said, in an emotionless; detached tone, "so did the entire crew." Chakotay was confused, even those words from him had not been enough to stop her from shutting down. Chakotay knew he needed to connect with her. He needed it as much as she did. They needed each other. Jack's words had hurt him; he knew deep down, that she was devastated. The prospect of really losing her if she was allowed to completely shut down terrified him._

_"I'll never let him call you that again," Chakotay insisted to her. When she didn't reply and only looked at him with her frightened eyes and her tiny trembling body, his heart broke. "Come here," he whispered standing with his strong arms out stretched before him, offering her a comforting hug. She didn't protest. Rising from her chair, she stood and allowed herself to be wrapped in his arms and shuddered into his chest as she allowed him to comfort her. "Kathryn, my love," he whispered painfully as he pulled her tighter into his embrace and stroked her hair, "please trust me." As she surrendered the heaviness of her burdens to his embrace, he smiled to himself. Since he had seen Tom protecting her earlier he had longed to hold her this way and help her shoulder her burdens, only right now, he felt her holding on tighter to him. She needed something that only he could give her. She needed the understanding and support of the man who loved her._

_Chakotay felt her cling to him like she was terrified he would disappear "I am frightened," she shuddered again as he held her. _

_"I know," Chakotay whispered in a choked voice as his eyes filled with tears. He would never let her go, she would always be safe in his arms, and one day she would know it. "He hurt you, but I'll never let him anywhere near you again." Chakotay said with such fierce conviction as his arms tightened around her to silently convey his protective words._

_Finding her courage in his loving embrace, Kathryn's deep voice firmly asked, "Did you believe him?" as she continued to lay her head on his chest._

_"Look at me," he said as he leaned back from her, holding her at arm's length so he could see her face. She forced her eyes shut and shifted her body so she could turn further from him. "Kathryn my love, look at me" he said again with so much love in his voice that slowly, ever so slowly her face raised to look up at him. Her blue eyes shone with tears as she met his eyes. Chakotay could sense the terror and fear of what his answer would be. His mouth broke into a full dimpled smile. "Hello" he said meeting her eyes. There before him stood the true, real, honest and open eyes of his wife, no part of her now was steeped in Starfleet protocol. Willing her to keep his gaze and accept the answer he was about to give her he cupped her chin in his hand so she couldn't turn away._

_"Hi" she offered a weak smile in return. When he said no more her eyes begged as she asked again "Chakotay?" she pleaded with him, she needed the answer, and she needed to know quickly._

_With his hand still on her chin, he looked deep into her eyes with love, stroked her slightly parted red lips with his thumb while she gasped at the touch as he leaned into her and said, "No I didn't!" Firmly answering her first question, "nor did anybody else."_

_Fire blazed in her sapphire eyes, "You can't know that!" she shouted, finding herself angry and frightened at the thought of what the crew witnessed. Here was the reaction he had been looking for earlier. Chakotay resisted the urge to match her vibrato. She needed him to be her support._

_"I know our friends," he reminded her, firmly pulling her back into a tight embrace and kissing the top of her head as he reminded her, "Kathryn, they are our family." He didn't know how to point out to her that her mistrust, fear, and misjudging their character was no different to what she feared them doing to her._

_"I can't face them," she murmured as she hung on to him for support, the terror of shame threatening to engulf her. The Voyager crew was so important to her. The extreme fear of their denial of her meant more than she could comprehend._

_"Yes you can," he told her firmly, though he didn't want to sound angry. He wanted to be firm in his support as strong arms stroked her back, while his fingers tangled themselves in her hair and he kissed the top of her hair._

_Kathryn was safe in his arms. Here just the two of them. She feared the crew and their reaction. She feared Chakotay making her see them. "Not tonight. Please!" she begged feeling weak and feeble. The emotions were more than she could bare and they had left her drained, but Kathryn had remained with Chakotay. Somehow, for the first time in it all she found she wasn't needing the Admiral to cope._

_Chakotay thought for a minute. He didn't want to push her to see them right now, he knew how dangerous that would be with her so fragile, but he also knew how much she needed to see the crew still cared for her. She needed to let them help care for her. She had never let them show her that, not even on Voyager when all seemed well. She was part of a large family that loved her, and would fight for her. As he felt her shudder against him as the tears began again, and the deep begging shame in her eyes as she gazed up into his, he knew he couldn't risk it. Taking a deep breath he nodded, "ok," and agreed. She trusted him right now and he wanted to savour it as much as she needed to experience the safety on comfort of it.. She would learn she could trust the rest of her Voyager family later._

_Kathryn almost seemed to sink, physically into him. "Thank you," she whispered with her eyes sliding shut as a few tears slipped through her eyelids, and her stiffness left her letting her strained muscles relax just a little. "Chakotay, can we just go home?" She asked as her head once again rested on his chest._

_Chakotay never got chance to reply, when there was a soft tap on the door shattering the comforting silence._

_Kathryn nearly jumped out of her skin. "Chakotay!" she yelled in a hushed tone, clinging on to him and shaking, wide eyed at the door. To her, it sounded loud and threatening. Everything was out of proportion for her and she was hyper sensitive._

_"Kathryn, it's ok," Chakotay whispered as he took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze and looking at her worriedly._

_Walking towards the door while Kathryn assumed a protective posture in the chair near the window, Chakotay calmly asked through the door, "who's there?"_

_"Forgive me Captain," said a familiar, stoic voice. Hearing her old friend, Kathryn looked confused, her shame weighing heavily on her. She wanted to believe what Chakotay had said about the crew not believing Jack, but it was so hard._

_Chakotay let out a small breath and said with a hint of a relief in his voice said, "Tuvok?" He shot a quick, reassuring glance at Kathryn who offered him half a smile and a nod in return, she too was relieved it was only Tuvok. She hadn't wanted to face any of the scenarios that had just flashed through her mind in the last thirty seconds, each more frightening than the last. Chakotay gave her another reassuring glance as he unbolted the door and slowly opened it to grant her long standing friend entrance._

_Opening the door just a fraction Chakotay gave a quick check, when he was sure it was only Tuvok awaiting entrance, he opened the door wider nodding respectfully at the older man. "How is she?" the dark skinned Vulcan asked his former commanding officer as he looked over at his former captain from just inside the door way. She turned from them both to look out the window trying to find her composure. She knew Tuvok wouldn't be disgusted, angry, hate her, or any other the other human emotions she now feared the crew felt towards her, but it didn't make facing her old friend any easier. _

_"Distant, but trying to cope," Chakotay offered in return and both men looked at her back silhouetted against the now darkened backdrop of the window. As he gestured for Tuvok to move further inside, he closed the door. Chakotay bolted it again, just in case. Kathryn did not need too many surprise visitors._

_"She should eat," Tuvok told Chakotay without taking his eyes off her, "as should you." Chakotay was surprised at the Vulcan's apparent concern for him, but was allowed no time to reply. The tall Vulcan quietly asked respectfully, "May I talk with her?" Chakotay knew the closeness with which Kathryn regarded the Vulcan, but under the circumstances he looked over at Kathryn quickly to check and see if there was any obvious reason why he shouldn't permit Tuvok to speak with her while she was so vulnerable. When he saw no discomfort from her, Chakotay nodded, stepped aside, and allowed Tuvok to pass. Chakotay had never seen eye to eye with Tuvok. Kathryn promoting Chakotay, a criminal, over Tuvok, a valued Starfleet Officer, had not helped matters; but both were men of honour and peace. They had not come to blows, and Kathryn knew they never would. Chakotay loved to wind the Vulcan up; it had annoyed Kathryn on Voyager at first; though over time she found fun in teasing her old friend too. Both men knew it had been for Kathryn they had honestly tried to get along. Here and now, was no different._

_"Admiral Janeway," the tall Vulcan addressed his friend in his usual emotionless manner. Chakotay stayed back near the door giving his wife the space she needed to speak with Tuvok semi-privately. He stayed attentive to the interactions, just in case she needed him. Tuvok and Kathryn had always had a relationship Chakotay didn't quite understand, it was a complex one which went back many years before he had even known either of them, but he knew the friendship was deep and genuine. That was what she needed now, her friends. Not a crew she commanded, but her friends and family. He hoped she would see that herself. They loved her as Kathryn._

_Slowly, Kathryn turned to face the Vulcan, and as though she had only just realized he was in the room she smiled and said, "Tuvok, my friend," as she walked towards him, placing a hand on his chest, "it's good to see you." Neither man missed the tremble in her voice or the shaking of her hand, as she struggled to compose herself. Both men knew that she was irrationally fearing Tuvok's reaction, that she was convinced her old friend would cast her aside. It was a testament to the depth of her fear, but the woman before them was definitely Kathryn. Admiral Janeway would not be trembling. _

_"I only wish this meeting could have been under better circumstances," Tuvok said plainly, knowing how difficult this was for his deeply emotional human friend. He had always been aware of her tightly controlled countenance. He had known her along time; had learnt her ways, just as Chakotay had, but had stepped back when she chose Chakotay over him as First Officer. "How are you?" Tuvok offered trying to draw her from her shame and guilt which he had seen her shroud herself with many times before._

_"Well," she nodded, though her paled shaking body suggested otherwise. "Thank you, Tuvok," she uttered, placing her hand on his chest once again as she met his eyes, tilted her head and said, "Sorry I didn't get back to Vulcan to visit you again."_

_"I understand," he responded as he raised an eyebrow as he looked down at her and continued, "Life as an Admiral is very busy."_

_Kathryn's eyes filled with tears, her head tilted to the side and a crooked smile came to her lips, "You are too good to me Tuvok, and you know it." She couldn't understand why he was being so good to her. Why did he not despise her?_

_"Admiral," Tuvok told her honestly, "You are a long standing companion of mine and a valued friend. It is an honour to call you such."_

_Kathryn smiled weakly, "The honour has been mine these years." Feeling shocked he still saw her as he always had, she continued, "You have been a constant to me when there was no other." A quick flick of her blue eyes towards Chakotay, needing the reassurance that he would understand her words and not be hurt by them, she found the courage to continue, "even on Voyager." Chakotay did feel a little jealous stab at that, when on Voyager had he not been there for her? Chakotay didn't allow it to show as he forced it down, that was for another day. He stood by the door and watched his wife step closer to look in the tall mans emotionless eyes as she said, "Tuvok, you have always been my moral compass and my guidance." Taking a breath, she asked in earnest, "What do I do now? I have let them down."_

_Tuvok's eyebrow went up, "Let who down?" He questioned as he saw her want to lower her head. Chakotay was fighting everything he had not to jump in at this point; he knew this needed to be a conversation solely between Kathryn and Tuvok, for her sake._

_"The crew,"__ she replied, surprised he would have to ask._

_"I fail to see how," he informed her in a very serious tone._

_"What must they think of me?" she asked as her eyes filled with tears and she turned from both the men. "Lying to them, telling them my son was Chakotay's." Then with a shameful shudder she added, "what...what Jack said."_

_Giving a quick glance at the silent Native American, Tuvok turned back to Kathryn, stepped closer to her with his hands clasped behind his back and asked, "Am I to understand the child's father is indeed Jack?" Tuvok questioned. Chakotay stood silent, though the comment nearly destroyed him. He had to be strong for Kathryn; he had to let this conversation be hers and hers alone, wherever it went, though it did anger him how annoyingly clinical the Vulcan was about things. When Kathryn only hardened and turned from him with no reply Tuvok said, "Admiral, I refer only to him as helping create this child." Nodding at Chakotay, he told them both "being a parent is more than a biological contribution. It isn't about genetics and what a child looks like. Parenting is about being there for the child" he elaborated "Feeding, clothing, teaching, guiding, giving of oneself, and loving on a very profound level." Speaking with full conviction he finished, "Captain Chakotay will make a fine father for your son." Then with another nod at the Native American, he said, "He does already."_

_Both Chakotay and Kathryn were shocked and touched by the sentiments Tuvok had just offered. "Oh Tuvok," Kathryn turned back to him smiling as her eyes welled with tears at the beauty of what he had just conveyed. She knew that Chakotay loved her son; their son. She saw that every day as he so tenderly cared for the small boy._

_"Admiral, the crew feel no different than I do," Tuvok told her. "The crew care for you, Captain Chakotay, and young Caleb as one of our own, much the same way you felt about Naomi Wildman or Miral Paris when they were born." He nodded firmly at her and took her hand saying, "Admiral, you really must eat," and once again turned to Chakotay, who had purposely stayed back watching the exchange, and added, "Both of you need to eat."_

_"Chakotay?" Kathryn whispered to him as her bright and wide blue eyes locked with his in a silent beg for him to remember his earlier promise. She still did not feel up to facing her crew right then. The pressure was to overwhelming for Kathryn; she was already fighting to not let the Admiral carry her through this. Kathryn needed sometime before she met with them._

_Though it saddened Chakotay that even Tuvok's words had not convinced her that Voyager's crew did not believe Jack's words, he knew he had made her a promise. If Kathryn still needed time, he would make sure she had it. "Tuvok, she would rather stay here tonight," stated Chakotay as he stepped into the situation with a protective stance, "perhaps some food could be brought to us?"_

_With one brow raised Tuvok agreed, "Indeed." He was willing to trust the Captain Chakotay knew his wife's current emotional needs better than he did._

_"Thank you," Chakotay nodded as he gently placed a supportive hand on Kathryn's back without looking at her, and then gestured the older man to the door having sensed Kathryn was becoming weary._

_In a hushed undertone as the two men stepped away from Kathryn, Tuvok said to the tanned skinned man, "Captain, I am aware you and I have not always seen eye to eye, but I wish to put our differences behind us." In serious earnestness Tuvok continued, "I cannot think of a better, more suitable husband for Admiral Janeway. It was my pleasure to officiate your marriage." Then raising his left hand to Chakotay, the Vulcan offered a salute saying, "May your marriage and children live long and prosper."_

_Chakotay took in the older man's words for a second as he tugged on his ear the way he always did when he didn't know what to do. "Thank you Tuvok," Chakotay nodded offering an out stretched arm in a very Maquis kind of way which Tuvok cautiously took. "I am willing to start again if you are." Chakotay had never really left behind his Maquis association, and this made Kathryn proud, proud of what he had done for her, of what he had given up for her. _

_"Indeed," nodded the Vulcan, as he exited the room._

_Kathryn stood and watched as he husband once again bolted the door. She knew how hard that would have been for him; she knew it went against everything he had believed in, but he had done it for her, and it made her proud to have him as her husband. "What are you smiling at?" Chakotay demanded, catching his grinning wife in his arms. As he hugged her close, she didn't pull away, she fell into him allowing him the chance to relish the closeness._

_"Thank you Chakotay," she told him, "I know how hard that was for you." _

_A dimpled grin spread across him face. He leaned back and looked into her eyes, joy, love or pride or maybe a mixture of all three is what he saw, but most of all he saw she looked safe and content. "So, my wife," he ran his finger down her jaw line and down her neck to rest on the valley between her breasts as lowered his lips to hers, but as she looked up at him, before they touched, he asked "How are you going to repay me?" As soon as he said it, her felt her stiffen. He stiffened, he let go of her instantly and pulled away. "Spirits Kathryn, I'm so sorry!" We wanted to kick himself for what he had said. He felt so sick with himself as he whispered, "Love, it was a joke."_

_"It's ok," she smiled up at him as she relaxed again, one hand wrapped it's way around his back the other hand raised to trace the lines of his tattoo with her finger. He hoped wasn't her effort to 'pay' him but when he saw her eyes he know it was a very loving act; one he willingly accepted from her._

_"Chakotay?" she asked gazing up into his eyes._

_"Hum?" was his dazed response. Her attentive fingers were keeping him mesmerized. _

_"I know he's safe with Mike and Sam, but I would feel a lot better if Caleb was up here with me," she said taking his hand, "with us."_

_Chakotay drew her to him and embraced her once again "I thought you might want to talk without him here," Chakotay pointed out, their eyes never parted as he was running his fingertips through the reddish strands of hair happy that she was content with his gentle touches. They were a start, but then again it was quite a lot for all that she had been through that night._

_"I don't know, I'm confused," she shrugged at him._

_"You're angry," Chakotay told her firmly. If there was ever a time to push her Chakotay knew it was now._

_Chakotay met her eyes and suddenly, it felt ok to be angry. "You are right, I'm angry!" She snapped and shouted. "I'm damned angry!" he body shuddered under the weight of the emotion._

_"Do you want to talk about it?" Chakotay said a little too softly and calmly for her liking._

_"I want to rip his head off Chakotay!" She hissed at him through gritted teeth and her jaw set firmly._

_"Go on," he pressed when she stopped. These raw emotions had to be good._

_"He destroyed me," she looked at her husband broken, shaking and tearful, "and he knew what he was doing!"_

_Chakotay saw something there, something he had never thought to ask before. Taking a gulp of air and fighting to stay calm Chakotay asked, "Love, did he force you?"_

_"Nothing so crude," her lip curled to think of it. "He was subtle. He made me submit to him. He forced me to want nothing more than to do his bidding," closing her eyes she added, "in bed."_

_Chakotay's fists clenched, he thought back to that BBQ at Tom and B'Elanna's house when they had been living in France. "I should have broken you two up the day I met him," he wanted to weep at hearing what she had just said. Guilt flushed through him. He had seen something wrong then, the alarms had gone off, but he had been too bothered with his 'new life' with Seven._

_"No!" Her eyes were determined and wide, he looked at her confused. "Chakotay, I'm glad you didn't." Taking his hands, she offered clarification and reassurance, "That would have just been another man making choices for Me." she smiled tilting her head at him, "I needed to make the decision myself. Coming to you that night, was the first step to my healing."_

_He smiled. He was so proud of her. "Come here you," he drew her into a warm embrace. "My brave and beautiful woman warrior," he said as his heart broke for her and all the pain she had carried. Love and pride filled him as he cupped her face, and met her gaze full of its own love for him. "My Love," he whispered as he looked into her eyes and lowered his head to claim her lips. She met his lips with hers. It was soft and delicate as they began to kiss._


	80. Chapter 80

**Once again I thank Toriemil hugely in this…**

_Kathryn fought to keep her mind focused, the safety and joy that the kiss brought her was overwhelming her mind. "Do you think what Tuvok said is true?" she asked in a deep voice as she looked up at her husband, safely enshrouded in his arms._

_Tucking a stray bit of her auburn hair behind her ear and looking down into her pale, yet content face, Chakotay was still lost in the euphoria of the kisses he and Kathryn had shared just moments before. Still engulfed in those feelings, he asked in a dazed voice, "About what?"_

_She looked at her husband for a second to be sure he really didn't know what she was referring to. When she saw his question was a serious one she clarified, "That the crew don't hate me," she whispered, wide eyed and serious. Suddenly she felt fearful, what if Tuvok had been wrong, what would she do then?_

_"Of course it true!" Chakotay told her once again without hesitation as his attention snapped out of the dream and into reality. He wouldn't stop telling her until she believed it; it was the truth and he was going to be unwavering telling her until she believed it. "Besides, Vulcans don't lie," he said as his dimples were out in full force._

_"Humm," she folded her arms and raised an eyebrow at him. It was not quite a 'Tuvok Brow,' but even she had to break into a smile at that comment. For a moment she allowed herself that slight moment, as their eye's met with smiles, but then almost as suddenly she turned back to the thoughts running through her head. Taking a deep breath she closed her eyes for clarity then said in her deeply emotional and husky voice, "Chakotay, what he said about Caleb," her misty eyes met his with seriousness, "about you being Caleb's father." He looked at her lovingly and stood steadily waiting for her to continue; he wasn't going to push or say anything further. Taking a deep breath, she looked up at him with tears in her eyes as he took both her hands in his and squeezed them, offering his support. As though drawing strength from some invisible source, Kathryn took a shaky breath and told her husband, "he's right." Placing one delicate hand on his chest she smiled, Chakotay's heart quickened at the touch, this was something she had done many times before on Voyager, but not here like this, in an act of open love. "Remember what we said, no distinctions? Yours or mine." She continued as she shook her head to reaffirm it, "I don't want any of that!"_

_Chakotay looked at her for a second taking in what she had just said. She had said this before, but so much had happened since then. "Does this mean we might have more children?" His own mouth curled into a questioning smile._

_Her hand slipped from his chest and Chakotay felt the sudden loss of contact as she stood before him. "I promised you more!" She told him with a firm insistence. It warmed his heart to hear her talk about wanting more family. When she had proposed to him, she had talked about lots of children…it was what he had dreamed of with her. It was what he had always dreamed of with her. She was a fine mother and his heart he knew she would carry more children into the world with the same dignity, love and nurturing with which she had done with her first born. His smile widened at the thought of it._

_He regarded her seriously, and the statement she had just insisted so openly. He took her hand in his, met her eyes and smiled lovingly. "No, you promised me a son to call Caleb," he replied gently, but seriously. She opened her mouth in protest; her heart thumping at his words but he quickly placed a finger on her lips and whispered, "You've already given me that."_

_Tears filled her eyes, she felt as though she would choke with the emotions surrounding his words. "Chakotay I-" she began, but couldn't finish as emotions overwhelmed her._

_"No distinctions, remember?" Chakotay told her letting his copper fingers interweave with her auburn hair. He loved playing with her hair. It was calming and it was the one thing she readily let him do with no protest. This was the only action of tactile love he could offer her where she didn't stiffen, even just a little. Her hair was so thick and silky, many times on Voyager he had dreamed of being allowed to know it's feel, but had always restrained. Now it hung so beautifully and long around her face and back, so much more feminine and open then it had ever been on Voyager. Its reddish tinge always mesmerized him, he could never pin it to just one colour. 'Auburn' didn't ever seem to do it justice. He had come to recently find out that the smell of her hair often reminded him of summer flowers. He watched as his tanned fingers glided through the strands of her rich hair. He hoped she found it as comforting as he did._

_Hearing his words she took in what he had said, "Then yes, I want to give you more children," she said, "but first I…" but she voice trailed off, her sentence unfinished. She turned from him. Sadly he let her hair go from his hands; he knew her, and he knew it was the distance she was asking for._

_He watched her closely as the silence lingered between them. "First?" Chakotay pressed softly when she stopped talking and said no more. She turned back to him and raised her hand to trace the tattoo above his left eye. She was hesitating a bit, both in what she was doing and what she was saying, he wanted her to feel secure in whatever she was about to say, so he raised his hand and continued to stroke her hair as he kept his arms entwined around her. He hoped that she would draw the strength she needed from his embrace. He relished in the amount of physical contact they were sharing and just how intimate their embraces were both physically and emotionally. It was almost overwhelming, both joy and pride filling his heart, but he schooled his reactions, it was about what Kathryn needed right now._

_"I want to give you Caleb," she quietly said as her eyes once again welled with moisture. It had taken a lot of strength to say that to him. She knew he was head over heels for the small boy; she knew he loved Caleb as much as she knew he loved her but part of her was still afraid of what he would say in response to it all being official._

_Chakotay met her eyes trying hard to gauge were she was coming from. "He is already mine, you've already given him to me," he insisted softly letting his hand lift from her hair to her face as he struggled to understand what she meant. She was hugging him tighter and her eyes told him she was tense, but it was in fear of what he thought, not his touch. How could she not know that he already considered Caleb his?_

_"No Chakotay, you don't understand," she shook her head and sighed as her muscles relaxed a bit in relief that his hesitation was a misunderstanding. As Chakotay watched her, he was afraid of what she might say next. He saw her struggling and it frightened him. Then, she said the very last thing he had expected her to say, "Legally." He stood there and stared not knowing what to think. Had he heard her right? He lingered in those thoughts just a little longer as he slowly began to register what she was telling him. He just wanted her to be sure she was doing this for the right reasons. "I want to register you legally as his father," she stated. Yes, he HAD heard her correctly._

_Chakotay hated feeling this way, but part of him wondered if she only suggested this to give her assurance he wouldn't leave. Though another part of him, the stronger part, knew this was the ultimate gift. It was the most precious thing to her. His heart beat faster as he clarified, "You're asking me to adopt him?" The question drifted through the air and she began to pull out of his embrace as she felt the need for some space._

_She looked slightly deflated and small, once again he looked down at her shaking hands trying to grasp together, "Well, I just thought, hoped you…," she stammered as she turned away; her cheeks a brilliant shade of pink beginning to sink into a deep rose colour. Feeling slightly foolish she mumbled feebly, "Sorry." How had she misjudged his feelings about Caleb for profoundly?_

_In the split second it took him to grasp what she was doing and thinking, he grabbed her elbow and spun her around to face him. Still with one hand on her elbow he stopped her from turning away her delicate, tear stained face in his other hand and rubbing her rosy cheeks with his thumb; he smiled and answered, "Of course, my Love.' Her blue eyes lit up daring to believe what she hoped he was saying as he whispered, "Kathryn, my heart adopted him the day I watched him being born." Then without hesitation, he added, "If you want me to make that legal; give me the PADD I'll seal it now." He was forceful in his words, but not in anger it was in seriousness and the need for her to understand how deeply he felt for them both. Her lips curled into a smile at his words and as she realized he wondered if it were also maybe plea for assurance. _

_"Chakotay," she said staring at her fidgeting hands, "I know you won't leave us, I trust you. I just wanted to give you the legal rights as Caleb's father." Chakotay felt so proud, he had never asked for it, he would never have; yet she offered it freely. Deep down, they both knew it couldn't happen until Jack officially relinquished his claim as the child's father; but both Chakotay and Kathryn knew that didn't matter right then, that wasn't what this was about. He watched her and smiled, knowing one day all this mess would work it's self out and she, Caleb, and more children to come would be right there beside him. Other than the gift of herself; he couldn't think if a time anyone had given him such a precious treasure._

_He was content just gazing into her beautiful eyes watching as her chest went up and down with her breathing as she stood content before him. They had shared so much this evening in the way of closeness, it was right, husband and wife, as it should be; but just then their private, tranquil moment was disturbed by somebody clearly kicking he door and trying to force the handle. Chakotay wasted no time in grabbing Kathryn protectively, and standing between her and the door, both their hearts beating faster, almost as one. "You two love birds better get this door open!" shouted an extremely angry half Klingon. When neither Chakotay nor Kathryn responded, B'Elanna shouted again, "I know you're in there!" There was another loud kick to the door, and then what could have only been a Klingon growl before a sudden moment of silence. Kathryn saw Chakotay move towards the door and quickly grabbed Chakotay's hand and made him look at her. Kathryn quickly shook her head at him while her eyes begged for him to remember his promise once again... that she didn't have to face the crew tonight. She wanted him to make their angry friend go away. "I want to see her now!" boomed the thunderous demand through the door._

_Chakotay feeling unsure what to do, walk towards the still bolted door and took a deep breath saying calmly, "B'Elanna, this is…"_

_The old handle rattled again and his old friend shouted, "Come on Chakotay. Get it open!" Kathryn was wide eyed and fearful, feeling trapped and confused. Seeing the sharp change in her and the terror in her burned his heart._

_"B'Elanna, I re-" came the sheepish voice of Tom."Oww!" Kathryn and Chakotay heard and could only assume she had kicked him as they both stared at the door in anticipation._

_"Shut it Helm Boy!" B'Elanna's voice hissed at him. Then banging started again, Kathryn gave a little shudder and a jump each time B'Elanna kicked the door. This wasn't lost on Chakotay, this was not at all Admiral Janeway, this was a scared, frightened, and emotional woman...HIS precious wife. "Get it open Chakotay!" B'Elanna's voice blared through the door._

_Kathryn's heart pumped quickly in her chest, her adrenaline coursing through her. Chakotay, ignoring the silent plea of his wife, unbolted the door with the intention of making B'Elanna go away. He had barely gotten the bolt slid across before the door swung open quickly and a loud bang was heard as the open door smashed into the wall behind them. There in the doorway stood a steaming half Klingon closely followed by her tall, gangly blonde haired husband. "Now B'Elanna," Kathryn stammered as she put out her hand in defence, "it's not what you think!" Chakotay looked at his wife; fear flushing over him, Kathryn was already shutting down, traces of the Admiral were filling her blue eyes. Her composure was set and more ridged than before; though she was still backing away from the advancing Klingon._

_Chakotay tried to step between the two women, feeling a sudden surge of anger towards B'Elanna for her intense anger toward his fragile wife. He had tried so hard to keep the Admiral out of Kathryn. Soon that effort would be destroyed, because he knew Kathryn would respond to this only one way, the Starfleet way. Chakotay tried to get in B'Elanna's face, but it only seemed to anger the engineer further._

_Without even looking at Chakotay, B'Elanna demanded, "What is that supposed to mean?" advancing towards Kathryn once again. "What exactly am I thinking?" implored the younger woman._

_Kathryn was confused; she didn't want this, not here, not now. She began to emotionally panic. Had Tuvok lied to her? Backing away slowly seemed to be the only thing she could do. Did B'Elanna really believe Jacks words? It was her husband, Tom's arms that Kathryn had been found in after all. She felt so numb. What had Tom whispered to B'Elanna earlier to make her this mad? He was clearly still in one piece. Kathryn's world began to shatter once again, the protocol and order she knew so well, would be the strong hand that could keep her safe and secure right now. Looking to Chakotay for support, Kathryn tried to keep control; tried to keep from assuming her command stance. Chakotay raged as he grabbed his old friend and pulled her towards him, twisting her arm backwards and slamming her back hard to his chest. B'Elanna could feel the seething anger as the Native American growled in her ear, "B'Elanna, if you don't shut up and get your sorry butt of here I will personally throw you out!" He meant it and B'Elanna knew the Maquis Warrior in him would do it in a second. She tried to free herself as she struggled in his firm grip, though she trusted this man implicitly she still hated to be restrained by a man, even after all those years the thought of it terrified the half Klingon woman. Tom, seemed unsure what to do, he hovered slightly but said or did nothing to defuse the situation his wife now found herself in. B'Elanna stood wriggling in Chakotay's firm and angry grip, forced to fight the demons of her own past, but she knew this man, something in her reminded her of that. This was the same man who had been present when there were Cardassians threatening the ones he loved. She had seen the sickening terror in his eyes as he stood helpless as his beloved Cassie screamed as she was forced by the Cardassians, and not for the first time B'Elanna knew. She had watched this man weep over the bloody remains of Cassie's discarded body. B'Elanna knew this man, and she was going to push it. She knew she had to, she knew he had to understand._

_The half Klingon managed to turn enough to meet her old friend's eyes as he still held tight control over her. He stared long and hard into her eyes as if they were exchanging telepathic thoughts, when suddenly he loosened his hold of her giving B'Elanna chance to turn further to face him, though he still held her. He had peered into her eyes and seen no anger there, no hatred. What he saw shook him. There were a number of emotions, but the one which stood out the most was compassion, no it was more than that, understanding. It was the same look she had given him the day after they met many years ago, the day he had been able to give Cassie the burial she deserved. It almost shocked Chakotay when he realized what else he saw there. The woman before him had silently told him that she loved his precious wife too…LOVED HER. He knew that was a precious thing for them both. B'Elanna was one of few people he would ever trust to do what he what about to let her do to his fragile and frightened wife. A quick glance back at the lingering Tom, who only offered a shrug in return, somehow gave Chakotay the understanding and peace of mind he needed to know his instincts were right. Chakotay would offer the unconditional love Kathryn needed; Tuvok the logical guidance; and B'Elanna, the one who could understand like none of the others, would force her to face her demons head on. She had been there; she had felt the fear and degrading too. If it took all her Klingon fury to make Kathryn wake up to it; so be it. Tom? Chakotay looked at him, stood so awkwardly in the doorway, and for the first time he saw a mature side to the annoyingly juvenile pilot. Chakotay knew Tom loved his wife very much. Many months ago at his beautiful promotion ceremony Kathryn had given him Chakotay had heard her and Tom talking, Tom's relationship with Kathryn, the woman who had offered him redemption when no other would, was a very special one. Then Chakotay realised Tom had let him do similar things to B'Elanna over the years when she needed it. Finding himself thinking back to Tuvok's words about his marriage to Kathryn, Chakotay mused weather he could say the same to Tom about his marriage to the woman who would always be his kid sister in need of protecting…mostly from herself. It almost shocked him to realize he could, and would. Though it was something else that suddenly startled Chakotay more about Tom's relationship with B'Elanna, he had been unwavering in giving her the redemption she needed; the chance to feel wanted and loved again, the chance to feel a woman, the chance of a second go at things. Out of all the Maquis, B'Elanna had struggled the most to fit into a Starfleet ship. It wasn't until Tom came into her life as a devoted lover that she really flourished. Yet Chakotay only just realised, it was Kathryn giving Tom that life line of redemption that had given him the strength to do what he did for B'Elanna. Of course, they would give their hearts in doing it for Kathryn when she needed it. Looking back from Tom towards the woman he restrained tightly in his arms, Chakotay let go stepping back he took the risk and let B'Elanna turn back on Kathryn. As he relaxed his stance, Kathryn stiffened hers. This man had just told her he was going to protect her from Jack! Why was he doing this now? She stared from one to the other, all three were staring at her. Fear filled her heart, where was Chakotay for her now?_

_Stepping back, Chakotay stood with Tom as he quickly closed and bolted the door. Nobody was getting in or out, even if it meant B'Elanna and Kathryn came to blows. Kathryn looked sickened and terrified as she stared at him, what the hell was he doing? Chakotay wanted to go to her and gather her in his arms, but he knew this was for the best, this was for her. Breathing hard and backing from the angry Klingon, Kathryn felt sick as she tried to fight inside for courage and strength. Was she really on her own in this? How could Chakotay desert her now? "I asked you a question," B'Elanna growled as she slowly began advancing toward Kathryn again. "What exactly am I thinking Kathryn?" Kathryn stared at the woman who she had begun to think of as a friend. On Voyager, Kathryn never had to face the Klingon's raw anger because she would never talk this way to the Captain. In the few and rare times it flared toward her, Kathryn's rank and status had always shut it down; though she was always well aware that B'Elanna had gone to Tom or Chakotay seething and mouthing off about her on a few occasions. Now Kathryn found herself facing the full force of the Klingon anger; unable to move or answer B'Elanna as she tried to process both B'Elanna's anger and Chakotay's retreat._

_"Lanna," Tom began cautiously as he still did not understand the situation, but Chakotay put his hand firmly on the younger man's chest, forcing him to stay back as he understood this had to be._

_"No Tom!" B'Elanna said stopping her advancement and folding her arms protectively against her chest as she stared at Kathryn. She did realize that perhaps her anger and advancement was bit much for Kathryn, but she hadn't planned this. The feelings were coming from deep inside her. Maybe Chakotay's restraint of her had helped there? B'Elanna couldn't let Kathryn do this; not to her. Part of B'Elanna wanted to be seething mad with her old commanding officer, but the bigger part of her wanted to love her with everything she had. B'Elanna continued with her tightly controlled, angry fuelled voice, "She seems to be convinced I'm thinking poorly of her. I want to know what she thinks. How she could think that!" B'Elanna couldn't look smugger. Kathryn couldn't look any more confused._

_"What-" Kathryn began her blue eyes darting between the three people stood before her, "but-" again she seemed unable to finish her sentence. Her senses were racing. She had felt the cease of anger from the half Klingon, but still the woman held to her words. The emotions in the room were clearly charged, but in her emotional panic, she could distinguish all that she was feeling._

_B'Elanna almost cracked into a smile as she said, "Not a nice feeling, is it?" Kathryn merely stared wide eyed as she struggled to comprehend, she didn't understand. Chakotay was smiling just a bit as he hung his head and looked at the floor. Realizing his wife was looking at him; he tugged on his ear. "Accusations are so hurtful," B'Elanna told her coolly, "don't you agree?" Kathryn's body actually shook with the confusion send the emotions of it all as the Admiral thought for domineerence in her. _

_Kathryn who was now more confused than she had been, stood there with wide eyes with her back against the wall just staring at the three of them. "Kathryn?" Chakotay whispered, but she shook her head at him. She wasn't sure what was going on, but she did know, if he was allowing it, then she had to be able to handle it. He loved her, that didn't just apply sometimes, it applied all the time…even if she doubted that when her old demons and insecurities crept in. She would trust that and the young woman before her. She just had to be sure, she continued processing all the swirling thoughts as she just held her stance._

_"Kathryn!" B'Elanna insisted. She had begun to worry that Kathryn was not going to see what she was saying. Was the woman she had admired for so long really this far gone? She knew how it felt to be so scared, and embarrassed, but she didn't want Kathryn to think of HER believing Jack. Kathryn wasn't just her former commanding officer either, she was so much more. "You are my friend, my sister. I wouldn't believe anything Jack said or twisted; but what does hurts is that you think I would," said B'Elanna with a sad, hurt voice. There, she had said it! It had taken every effort for the proud and yet broken half Klingon woman to say. B'Elanna's anger seeped away into a haze of highly charged and long forgotten emotions. Tom began to understand what Chakotay already saw and what Kathryn was slowly going to realize. Both Tom and Chakotay wanted to go and hug their hurt wives, but they needed to finish this, Kathryn and B'Elanna both needed to start down this road, only they could truly understand each other. It would be a longer one that either anticipated, but they needed to start._

_"I- I don't," Kathryn stammered as was still extremely confused._

_B'Elanna realized she was going to have to explain. She knew that Kathryn was overwhelmed, but she couldn't entirely tell in what direction, regardless she needed to see that people were going to believe her over the monster that had come to Sandrine's that night. "Come here," B'Elanna said drawing her confused and shocked friend into an embrace, "Tuvok says you won't come, down so we came to see you." Kathryn didn't fight back, didn't stiffen, and didn't push away. Chakotay knew then, this wasn't Kathryn stood before them._

_"You didn't have to," Kathryn managed to meet her friend's eyes as her panic fell, but her guard was still firmly in place. Admiral Janeway gaining an ever firmer foothold._

_"No," shrugged B'Elanna as she spoke low to Kathryn hoping to get her attention, "but I know what it feels like to be used and degraded, I won't let you sink, even if I have to pull you up by the hair." It was a promise…a heartfelt one; even if Kathryn missed the depth of it. They weren't just words from B'Elanna; Chakotay and Tom both knew that._

_Chakotay smiled a slightly concerned smile, Kathryn was visibly relaxed and a tentative smile appeared as all three in the room knew what was coming, and sure enough it did. "It's very nice of you B'Elanna, but I am fine, maybe a little tired but fine," said Kathryn as she felt her control and balance resurface._

_"Sure," B'Elanna said as she grabbed the wicker chair and sat down, "Just like I'm a Vulcan and Voyager is still in the Delta quadrant."_

_Kathryn let her eyes close as she flopped down on the bed one leg crossed over the other, "ok," she said calmly "you've got my attention." With her arms folded, her eyebrow raised, "so what do you want?" The mask was in place, Admiral Kathryn Janeway sat before them on the bed._


	81. Chapter 81

**WARNING;- this chapter includes scenes and conversation topics that some may find distressing and upsetting, please be advised before reading…. **

**If anyone wishes to PM me to ask questions about it or for an overview of what happens in the chapter if you chose not to read do feel free I always reply to my PM's… thank you.**

**Thank you for waiting for this chapter, it's a long one but I hope it makes up for the wait….**

**HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all my American readers.**

**Once again a huge thank you to Toriemil for her time, effort, support, idea's and beta skill's in this chapter, it truly is a joint effort and is as much hers as it is mine ;-) x**

_Kathryn's death glare met B'Elanna's eyes, a silent dare of challenge to the half Klingon. Who was B'Elanna to tell HER she needed to talk about it, about Jack? Tensions in the room were high and the current of emotions that lingered between the four were tense and dangerously charged. The two men stood shoulder to shoulder in the door way watching their wives closely; feeling a bit helpless. Both women sat facing each other; raw and daring emotions slowly electrifying the passion, fear, and anger that still hovering between them. It was clearly a standoff between the two strong women. B'Elanna was almost begging Kathryn to give her some indication that it wasn't going to come to this, but Admiral Janeway was having none of it. The mood in that tiny bedroom could have been mistaken for Captain Janeway's Ready Room on Voyager after a particularly argumentative senior staff briefing. For Kathryn's part, that seemed to be how she was regarding the younger woman opposite her. Chakotay watched his wife, straight backed, one leg crossing the other, her jaw set, and her eyes steady and trained. All she needed now was a desk to hide behind; a coffee mug and PADD in her hand; and she would have the part of Starfleet Admiral down to a tee. His heart sank seeing her like that, for too long she had used it to hide and keep herself locked away. Kathryn's blue eyes narrowed the way they always did when she waited for one of her crew to answer a question. The line was drawn._

_B'Elanna, for her part wasn't standing down. This was an old B'Elanna, a dangerous B'Elanna fuelled by more than the Starfleet engineer in search of redemption. Chakotay had been proud to watch B'Elanna grow and become what she had these last years and in so many ways he was proud of her now. Tom exchanged a worried glance with Chakotay who tried to offer him some brotherly support in the situation, but it was lost on the younger man. He simply hadn't been there. He had heard what B'Elanna went through, Chakotay had been there when she told him but Chakotay was almost sure she did not include his own dark past; no, they had agreed long ago that each had their own story and it was theirs alone to tell…when and if it was ever told. Chakotay smiled to himself, never had he imagined the insubordinate, angry, half Klingon who hated herself when he had rescued and took on board his ship all those years ago would become a beautiful woman; a wife, mother, and a fantastic Starfleet officer with a Head Engineer's position on Jupiter Station. She had come such a long way since the day he met her, a lonely bitter wreck who hated everyone, even herself; who believed herself worthless with no skills and noting to offer. Nothing to offer…. he wondered if that is what Kathryn thought sometimes, that she had nothing to really offer someone…nothing left in her to offer him. If so, she was wrong, so wrong._

_Taking a deep breath to gather her courage to face what she had hoped was put to bed once she had confided it in Tom, B'Elanna began to answer Kathryn's question in a deeply calm voice as she met the Admiral's eyes, "I want you to realise we all love you. We are all family. Nothing that is said among us will ever leave the confidence with which it is told or witnessed. I make that promise to you." Kathryn merely sat and looked the younger woman up and down suspiciously. B'Elanna watched her and tried to gauge where to go next. When Admiral Janeway offered her nothing, B'Elanna clenched her fists, steeled her will, and said darkly, "I have shared with you how I came to be a part of the Maquis, how I met Chakotay, you know what they …" then she stopped and met Kathryn's unusually bright and wide eyes looking for a response she could engage with. She waited just a small time her heart still beating rapidly; revisiting that time was not was she wanted to do, but for Kathryn, her sister and friend, she would. She wondered if Kathryn realised just how special she was to her; save a very select few, most of the Maquis never knew her story, and only Chakotay knew it all, he had been there, he had seen it and he had pulled her through._

_Kathryn for her part, smiled sweetly and said, "I am sorry that atrocity happened to you, but in my experience it is best to let the past lie in the past-"_

_"I can't do that," B'Elanna snapped as Kathryn never got to finish her 'Starfleet counsellor's speech,' which she would have done a fine job of quoting word for word-it was the speech they had used on her all those years ago; the one that was supposed to make her whole life okay again, and it had done for over 25 years._

_Kathryn's eyes filled with fury, she had never liked being interrupted by a subordinate; she always had the last word, and always controlled everything. She had to be in control! It terrified her when she wasn't. B'Elanna saw it in her eyes, that desire, want or possibly need to control even this conversation. B'Elanna wasn't going to give it to her; Kathryn wasn't going to control anything this evening, and it was probably going to terrify the hell out of her, but it had to be, she needed to move forward rather than continue to slip backwards. A quick glance toward Chakotay gave her everything she needed; an agreement, a promise, and reassurances._

_Deciding she was not going to stop now B'Elanna began to recount the story she had not vocalized that day in the garden…the one she had asked Kathryn not to make her explain, "They came to my cell Kathryn," B'Elanna ploughed on, "nine of them." Kathryn stiffened, images flashing into her mind, images she didn't want. "Two of the largest monsters held me against the wall, my arms and legs were forcibly spread out; stretched out like a helpless star," B'Elanna shuddered slightly, but drawing on the strength of her husband and brother, she didn't stop as she watched the Admiral sitting before her fight for a composure that never came. "One took a knife; one of the crudest one I have ever seen, and I grew up with lots of swords," B'Elanna dropped in almost casually as she was watched Kathryn. The half Klingon's heart beat faster, this woman was strong and B'Elanna cared about her more than the woman before her knew, not that she had really ever told her…Klingons weren't much for sappy words, but then she wasn't completely Klingon. Kathryn and B'Elanna locked eyes. B'Elanna daring Kathryn to order her to be cease, and Kathryn fighting that urge. Though on the outside the ever trained admiral looked placid and unwavering._

_B'Elanna waited just a bit, she didn't want to do this, didn't want to say these things. Why wouldn't the damn ice-woman crack? Tom was cracking, going mad. He hated this story; he had heard it once in great detail as his beloved recited it to him over a weekend not long after they professed their love for each other, once was enough. He had held her as she told him all that burdened her heart; all that she still needed to heal. That evening had been one of the hardest and most profound nights of their relationship he hoped Kathryn and Chakotay would know that profoundness. Listening to his wife describe those things Tom felt so helpless, but he knew that she wouldn't be doing this if she couldn't handle it. B'Elanna might not openly admit she would need it; but he would hold her later, and together they would keep the demons away._

_Chakotay stood tall. He had been there; he had seen it, that day; that awful day had changed him as much as it changed B'Elanna…_

His helpless eyes watched as the nine large Cardassian men entered the cell opposite them on that damn Cardassian ship. His eyes locked with Cassie's, this was her stupid idea, and now part of him wondered if his beloved could really cope. Cassie looked terrified; she was a brave woman, a wonderful Maquis fighter and deliciously beautiful. She was no coward, but there before him she stood, terror drawn across her face; her rich, dark eyes holding a memory of not so long ago, a memory of when she had faced the brutal hand of Cardassia. A time when he had been forced to watch helplessly as Cassie had been brutalized in much the same manner as the actions taking place in the next cell. Both of them knew what was coming for that pitiful Klingon girl. He couldn't say he liked his fellow prisoner, the constant insults she called across at him had gotten on his nerves, just a little; but the things she called Cassie, his love, he could not, and he vowed, would not forgive. He was a much different man then; younger and a lot more determined in some very wrong areas. Cassie, though she was radiantly beautiful and passionately in love with him, as he was her, was driven by the same anger and lusts that he was. They had both come to the Maquis for different reasons, for him it had been the destruction of his home world while Starfleet had turned a blind eye just for the sake of maintaining peace with monsters. For whom he was then, Cassie was his perfect match. He hadn't met his peace yet, the Angry Warrior still raged heavily inside him. Maybe he didn't want Kathryn to know just who he had been; what he had been, but if it helped then he would tell her in a second. He loved her, loved her with an undying passion.

When the foolish, Klingon woman had managed to provoke the guards, Chakotay had wondered about leaving her to her own battles; she had made it clear she hated the Maquis, as much as she did the Cardassians. He didn't know her story, he didn't want to, part of him didn't want to care; he had his own wars to fight. To each their own, he always said, and she wasn't one of his. He was always up for new recruits, but if she didn't want it, fine! She could just rot in hell. He was an honourable man, true to his word, and deeply loyal to his own. He himself wouldn't hurt anyone, not the way the Cardassians would. If that Klingon girl asked for his help, maybe he would consider it. Back in those days he did only what he wanted, when he wanted, as he wanted.

Then they held her down and took a very large knife to her throat. He watched the men and the knife; anger and fear gripped him as Cassie clung tightly to the leather he wore. Chakotay felt his heart pounding in his chest with such a fervour he thought it would explode. The Klingon mesmerised him, the Klingon spirit so alive in her at that moment, she looked into the lead Cardassian's eyes, he didn't like her much, or at least he didn't want to but he had to admit she had courage as she trained her eyes on the large brute. Chakotay saw it; the look worried and confused him at first; then he understood. She looked ready to die, facing her death like an honourable Klingon. Chakotay remembered feeling numb as he stood and watched. This young Klingon thought they were just going to kill her; in that she had courage, Chakotay would give her that. Having the courage to die was one thing, but what was about to come was not death. Such a young and innocent life about to be destroyed shattered and spat out the other end. Chakotay knew; he knew all too well. He could feel his breathing quicken as he watched the Cardassian with the knife; that poor kid, for really that's all she was, by the end of it she might just wish for a death, honourable or otherwise.

A hand crept onto his chest, trembling more than slightly. The dark brown eyes of the woman he loved gazing at him with terror, "do something," sounded his lover's whispered plea. Cassie's face fell on his chest, her eyes closed, head turned away; she knew what the young girl was thinking. She had once been that young girl. Chakotay wrapped his arms around her, his thoughts stayed on that Klingon girl in the next cell, helpless and alone. The events terrified him. His hands slide over the soft leather of Cassie's back till they found the round cheeks of her buttocks. He squeezed her to him roughly, drawing away from what was about to happen before him. If he could lose his thoughts in his love for Cassie, and could only think of what closeness they would share when this was all over, if he could remind himself how much he loved her, then he would not have to focus on the degrading screams he knew would come from that Klingon woman. He never forgot the screams; he had a front row seat and was not eager to experience them again. It was the most paralyzing time he felt he had ever experienced. Killing in battle was nothing like this torture.

_"I was ready to die, ready for an honourable death; one any Klingon would have been proud of." B'Elanna continued yanking Chakotay back from his memories of what turned out to be one of the worst days of his life; back to where he stood next to Tom in that tiny bedroom above Sandrine's bar. His wife was keeping that command mask so tightly in place; he had only seen her this determined in the faces of their worst enemies in the Delta Quadrant; and if he was being honest; it scared him. Even after everything B'Elanna had said, Kathryn wasn't responding. Chakotay looked at B'Elanna, he knew she didn't want to carry on with the story; he didn't want her to carry on with the story; but he also knew she would if Kathryn didn't respond in a way other than the ridiculous Starfleet command posture she currently held. Both Chakotay and B'Elanna had lived through that atrocity, and both knew that Kathryn needed to hear it. Kathryn needed to know she was not alone; not alone in this with them, her family around her._

"_Kathryn?" Chakotay whispered softly stepping closer to the bed where she sat opposite B'Elanna; he felt she had barely taken in the words B'Elanna was saying. Maybe she thought she couldn't handle it, maybe she was plagued by her own memories of the past; all Chakotay knew was that he needed Kathryn, not the Admiral to hear what B'Elanna was saying. This was a personal plea from the three of them for her to hear with the heart and soul of the trapped and fearful woman inside of her; not for the Admiral to write a report from. Love, this was for her and out of love. He loved her, really loved her. He had NEVER loved like this before; loved in the purest form, willing to bear of the memories and tragedies of his past if it would bring a peace to the one who had brought him peace. His wife and child were precious to him; he knew what loss was, everyone in that room did. He knew that to live under the rainbow one had to live through the storm. This was a nightmare of a storm but he dared to believe that somewhere after this he and Kathryn would live in a beautiful rainbow with their many children, he knew it was what she wanted too._

_As Kathryn turned to look at him in response to his saying her name he took a sharp step backwards; her command mask so firmly in place. He hadn't expected to be looking Admiral Janeway's hard set eyes. She hesitated ever so slightly, then hung her head slightly and spoke in her deeply husky voice, "Chakotay, I know you were there, I know how you both must feel in this situation; but it was so long ago, you need to let it go and let it be." He was shocked by her seemingly cold words._

_Looking at her, Chakotay couldn't believe it as he gently asked his wife, "Is that what you've done with your time at the hands of the Cardassians?" It was a loaded question, her blue eyes fell on him as he continued, "You just let it be?" He let his gentle words hang in the air. Had she let it be? Could she let it be even if she tried? She was drowning in "let it be," and they were trying to throw her a lifeline, but she had to reach for it….._

Chakotay buried his face in Cassie's dark curls of her frizzy hair. His tears fell into the dark stands as he held his lover tight to his chest. He didn't even know this Klingon woman and he still didn't like her or want to forgive her for what she said about Cassie, and yet he felt the same as he did when he had been forced to watch the same thing done to Cassie. "Please Chakotay," Cassie begged again. Chakotay was torn between doing nothing or to try and rescue the Klingon girl who had made it clear she despised Cassie and him. He let his hands continue to caress Cassie, in part to calm her in knowing he was there, and remembering too, but also in a frantic, losing battle to draw away from the knowledge of the Klingon in the next cell. She wasn't one of his people, and quite frankly she annoyed him in some of the worst ways. Cassie was warm and soft, her body felt good... Spirits! He wasn't going to stand there and seduce his lover while another woman was sexually assaulted in front of them! He had seen that before, and he knew the woman, she was in his arms now. No matter how angry, frustrated, or how Maquis he was, the Native American was not like those monsters or even most Maquis Cell Leaders. Anyone who he had taken into his bed was always consenting; he would never terrorize a woman. Looking up, he saw the Cardassian had already sliced away the clothing from the Klingon woman quickly and efficiently. They had lots of practice. Fear immobilized their bravest victims…and the number of men present would ensure 'cooperation,' if fear did not totally paralyze them. He saw the nakedness of the Klingon woman; she was more a child than a full grown woman. This fuelled his anger even more. His home world had been invaded by these monsters; his mother, sisters, and cousins all brutalized…his young sister; she was the age of his youngest sister! The Cardassian let his hands roam over the young woman's skin; as she struggled against the wall while the other Cardassians held her in a tight star open for all to see. Chakotay watched immobilized as the grey skinned fingers of the Cardassian found their way inside she struggling woman, who was just beginning to figure out what was to come. He couldn't understand why she hadn't screamed; only the jeering of the Cardassians could be heard. He looked at her face and saw she had been gagged; but something else hit his heart. The Klingon girl was looking at him, screaming out to him with her eyes, begging him to help her. Why couldn't she be looking to Mike? He looked at her again as his mind was overwhelmed with memories of a time years before. He quickly put those thoughts aside as held the young Klingon's gaze; her eyes blurred with tears at the horror of what her body was experiencing. One glance at Cassie, and Chakotay knew if somebody had chance to save his love then, when the same thing happened to her; he hoped they would have. Shaking off the remnants of the paralyzing memories and fear from his own experiences, Chakotay fuelled those thoughts and anger into his next actions. They had to survive! Chakotay let go of his beloved Cassie, and with a nod at Mike, who was thick with rage by this point, sought agreement to the silent plan forming in his head; the Klingon was coming with them, as unharmed as she could be.

_As B'Elanna bravely continued to tell the horrors of her tale; how her mind was screaming out, but the gag wouldn't allow her to communicate with her voice. All she could do was struggle the small amount that her body still let her fight as the two large Cardassian men still held her tightly against the wall. B'Elanna now needed and wanted Chakotay to save her from the continuous barrage of terror that was befalling her body. She had felt utterly helpless as she realized death would not be coming and she was going to have to live with this. It terrified her. _

_B'Elanna took a small break from recounting the tale, as she took a moment to compose herself; even now these memories disturbed her, but Kathryn meant so much to her, she wanted to help her. Some people had given everything for her, and she was now going to brave the memories and help someone dear to her. _

_Kathryn had listened, struggling with her own courage and strength to not fully assume her command stance and stop all of this, but she knew it was hard to talk about these things; that she knew well. "How did you get out of that cell?" It was Kathryn's voice that broke Chakotay's thoughts sending him back into the present conversation when his mind had wandered into his own thoughts of that time. The slight trembling of Kathryn's voice caught everyone's attention. Though she still held her command mask in place; she was emotional and attentive to what she was hearing. Chakotay had often thought over the years she wasn't listening when really she was. He was glad she was hearing; Kathryn was hearing, even if she wasn't reacting, she was engaging as Kathryn and not as Admiral Janeway._

_B'Elanna took a deep breath and then broke into a tentative smile, "I killed them with a Klingon bat'leth; and single handily fought my way out." It was B'Elanna's way of coping, make a joke of what was difficult to face. Maybe that was something she learnt from Tom? She didn't know, it certainly wasn't a Klingon way of facing things, but B'Elanna wasn't completely Klingon. She had always battled the two halves of her heritage; never feeling at home in either world. It wasn't until she met Chakotay that she found someone to love and accept her as a person and channel her in a productive direction. Then on Voyager she found the environment to show others what she could do; who she could be in her career, leader, and as a friend. Though ultimately it wasn't until Tom that she ever felt whole. He accepted her fully and loved her with no disgust or shame. He made her feel beautiful. Tom had sat through this tale once before; when she told it for the first time. She had been much less composed then; afraid of his rejection. Even though Chakotay and the other Maquis had restored her dignity and given her the love and guidance to move forward and accept herself, she was not so sure Tom could accept her as a woman. He had held her close as she wept through most of the tale; he wept too. It had been a long weekend; a rare one when they both had two days off together. Tom would later find out that she had told Chakotay she wanted to tell him how they met and he had subtly arranged the schedules to allow them the most time possible making sure Kathryn or anybody else saw or questioned it. Chakotay had promised to never tell the story without her permission. B'Elanna had managed to confide much in Tom that night, but needed to call Chakotay when things got to the point where they were now. Tom had been confused when she called Chakotay, but stayed calm and concentrated on reassuring her of his understanding and acceptance. She had needed Chakotay to help her finish the tale at this point, drained and scared. She had later admitted to Tom that she had wanted Chakotay there in case he rejected her. He had been glad he had not rejected her; he wasn't sure he wanted to know what Chakotay would have done to him; he loved B'Elanna fiercely and was so very protective of her as his little sister. When she had finished telling him, Tom had taken her in his arms and held her tightly, allowing both of them to weep. Without a word Chakotay had left; allowing them the privacy they needed._

_The four stayed silent for several moments lost in the events recounted thus far; weighing heavily on each person in the room. Then, out of nowhere, Kathryn did what nobody imagined she would. Slowly, and with trepidation she moved forward to rest her small hand on B'Elanna's shoulder. Chakotay watched her do it; this wasn't the firm supportive hand of Admiral Janeway that they all knew so well. This was Kathryn, the Kathryn who feared tender touch; the Kathryn who was offering that very touch to another. Chakotay stood and watched for he knew both these women, he knew that both were offering each other the impossible. B'Elanna openly sharing the weakest moment of her life; and Kathryn letting her guard down just long enough to listen. As Kathryn's hand rested on B'Elanna's shoulder; the half Klingon jumped and pulled away confusing Kathryn. The two women held the others eyes for a long moment before Kathryn turned and found her seat again. There had just been made a silent agreement between the two women, a silent understanding, one that had given both these shattered woman some form of strength to do what came next._

_"In short, Chakotay and Mike busted me out." B'Elanna told her earnestly. Kathryn nodded a silent conveyance of thanks to B'Elanna for her openness and honesty after her jokes to cover up. She knew how hard it was for B'Elanna to admit she needed the help of anyone; especially at that time in her life, before she was Maquis and even after she was Chief Engineer on Voyager. B'Elanna's eyes fell on Chakotay; they locked eyes as Chakotay suddenly found himself aware of what B'Elanna was going to say. He didn't know if he really wanted her to say it, but he knew that time in his life had shaped him as much as it had shaped B'Elanna. If they started this, they were going to finish it; so he didn't step in or stop B'Elanna when she added, "still gagged and naked."_

_Kathryn eyes became very wide as she looked horrified from Chakotay to B'Elanna. Chakotay felt a tug at his heart seeing at the look on his poor Kathryn's face when she heard the last words B'Elanna had said." At Kathryn's horrified look, Chakotay began to walk over to where she sat with B'Elanna. He wanted to pull her into his arms and chase all her demons away, but he couldn't do that just yet. He restrained the want to hold her just yet, and softly toed his way across the room to stand meters away from the women; close in case Kathryn needed him._

_B'Elanna looked up as she stood to meet his eyes as he stopped just behind Kathryn, "Your brig was cold," she said as she folded her arms around herself. There was a silent dialogue happening between the two; Kathryn just sat and pondered the previous thought that B'Elanna had been taken to the brig...on Voyager even she had not put them in the brig. This was such a serious thought, but they were not so stressed over it, so she wasn't sure what to think, but her mind kept creeping into dark places; dark places she never talked about._

_Kathryn's eyes widened as she looked at Chakotay with an odd look and said slowly, "You threw her in the brig?" She had never thought Chakotay world do that. Why would he do that?_

_"There wasn't much choice, she didn't want to be on my ship any more than she did the Cardassian ship" shrugged Chakotay. "I wouldn't and couldn't let her stay on that ship for those animals to finish off, but she wasn't a member of my crew; hell she had absolutely no desire to be, I had to protect more than just her." With a tear in his eye, he said, "besides, I had more than her on my mind at the time." With this, Kathryn really was confused._

_"You kept her naked?" Kathryn nearly shouted in exasperation, she couldn't believe what she was hearing and she couldn't get past it in her mind. Naked and gagged was another thing she remembered well._

_Chakotay sighed softly and said, "No darling, she had a blanket." Kathryn looked at B'Elanna then back at her husband, the man she thought she knew. Kathryn felt like she was missing something; a lot of something. She asked B'Elanna cautiously, "Did you and Chakotay um, ever…um?" She looked away for a moment unsure what she would do with the knowledge that her hisband and B'Elanna ad been intimate even years before she had met them. Turning back slowly she met B'Elanna's eyes once again begging to know if he had ever touched her. _

_"No!" B'Elanna answered quickly and honestly while she gave Chakotay an odd look, "He wouldn't have me!"_

_"But you wouldn't give her any clothing?" Kathryn asked Chakotay again, with a painfully horrified look on her face. It was hard, she was clearly panicked and fixated on the naked part, but at least she was talking. Chakotay was sure this wasn't the Admiral, maybe B'Elanna had got through to her after all. _

_Chakotay took in the panic of his beloved wife and decided to move toward her and sat next to her on the bed as he wrapped one arm securely around her, while he once again began stroking her hair. She hadn't flinched or even hesitated. Hoping she was taking comfort in his touches, he stated, "It was different then, the Maquis ship is not like a Starfleet ship, and the Val Jean was efficient, but had little comforts. We didn't have replicators and there just wasn't much available. We didn't blunder and pillage as some ships did and B'Elanna had her own idea about what she deserved." He felt Kathryn fall into him a little as he softly asked, "Can we tell you about it?"_

_Kathryn thought for a moment still held hostage by haunted memory B'Elanna being held captive in his brig naked;" the silence lingered, and then she took his copper brown hand in hers and whispered, "Will you ever keep me naked and gagged?" There was such fear, trepidation, and uncertainty in her voice._

_Chakotay's heart stopped, it broke his heart; how could she think that? It hurt him to think she would think that, she didn't understand, they were going to have to tell her all of it, she had to understand. Keeping a tight hold on her hand, he turned to face her, gently cupped her cheek in his hand and whispered, "Never, my Love!" She met his eyes, as he reiterated firmly "never, you hear me? Never!" _

_She nodded slowly, tears mounting in her eyes, "Then why did you do that to B'Elanna?"_

_Chakotay looked up at the half Klingon in question, who now was kneeling on the floor before them, "Can we explain? Will you give me that? Everything I did I did for a reason; it may help you to understand who I was, who I am" Chakotay asked softly._

"_and it may also help you to deal with your pain," whispered B'Elanna as she held Kathryn's other hand. Kathryn still looked painfully panicked. Tom had moved forward to kneel next to B'Elanna careful to give his wife knowledge of his presence, as not to trigger her as she told the story. Her earlier reaction to Kathryn's unexpected touch had caused him to watch her closely. He knew why B'Elanna had been naked, but when he first heard the story, he too had been upset. Kathryn was obviously farther gone on that statement than anyone knew and therefore they had to make sure she understood before concern caused full panic. _

_Taking his wife's hand in his and kissing her softly on the temple as his other arm mimicked Chakotay's around Kathryn, Tom spoke, "Kathryn, I know that is a frightening thought. I was upset when I first heard it too, but once they explained it, I understood. Please let them finish the story, it will explain everything." Hearing Tom's words, Kathryn slowly processed what was being said, willing herself to pull into the present events being told and not into the dark ones she knew all too well. Her features seemed to soften just a bit and she laid her head on Chakotay's shoulder and stared at all of them. Even though she was panicked, she was accepting his touch as well as B'Elanna's; they all noticed but said nothing. _

_Chakotay kissed her red hair, "to help us, Love?" Chakotay was almost pleading for her permission to share the rest of the story. Looking worriedly at Chakotay and then B'Elanna; she saw the closeness the two held; and the honesty in their eyes. Right now she didn't know what to think, but she couldn't allow herself to think the worst, not of Chakotay. She saw the truth, Chakotay was right, hearing B'Elanna's story might help, so from the safety of his embrace, she nodded her agreement…._

The next few minutes were a daze for Chakotay, but what transpired in that sudden urge of anger and passion and fighting did in fact shape the rest of his life and would serve to bond his heart with that terrorized Klingon girl forever. He could not have known then, his heart beating at a terrible pace as his eyes stayed locked with the struggling Klingon still held sprawled out like a star against the wall; an image all too familiar for Chakotay.

Mike and Cassie had their well concealed phasers out within seconds of that silent agreement, Chakotay was for some reason slower on the uptake, not that he wasn't a skilled and quick fighter, but because something in him told him to keep his eyes locked with the terror struck Klingon. The three had willingly been captured, they were in that cell to collect information; they had it planned to the last second, Cassie's idea. Chakotay hadn't been too keen on taking Cassie with him after her last experience of being captured; but she had convinced him, she always did…. They knew how to get out in seconds; to the illegally cloaked Val Jean waiting secretly on the starboard side of the Cardassian ship; waiting till the time was right-only they never accounted for another prisoner derailing their plan.

From somewhere Cassie had been able to find her fighting spirit and pull out of the terrorized place she had been in when she was begging Chakotay to stop the attack that was taking place; maybe she was driven on by her fear, or maybe it was anger or compassion, Chakotay never had the chance to know. He was frozen, his eyes never leaving the terrorized eyes of the Klingon. In a second he heard both Mike and Cassie yell with fury, still unable to get down the force field to the cell holding the Klingon. At the same moment Chakotay saw the sickening pain flood the dark eyes of the young Klingon woman, and he knew; he didn't have to look down, spirits he didn't want to look down, the thought made him sick. The largest Cardassian had penetrated her innocence, thrusting himself painfully inside her. Chakotay was looking into the horror struck eyes of a woman being raped; he had never wished to see it again, but here he was watching it happen again and it made him sick. 

Willing himself to composure, he stepped forward in an angry and dazed fury; no woman, weather he liked her or not, should have to live through the terror happening before them. The large, knife wheeling Cardassian stepped back as his comrade took over the reins of horror. Once again the terrorized eyes filled with pain as another, and then another took from her.

Chakotays eye contact never broke, forever willing the Klingon woman strength and courage. What happened next was a blaze of fury and bundle of confused moments; which Chakotay had long forced down into the deep oblivion of his memory. Cassie was fuming, fierce, and strong; wheeling a phaser and martial arts were second nature to her, to save one of her own, a fellow woman in that kind of distress drove her to fight like Chakotay had never seen her fight.

It took only seconds to get the force field down once Mike found the latch. In a fury of activity that was over in seconds the three had managed to take out most of the outer standing Cardassians as Chakotay lunged forward pulling the last of the men from the Klingon. Mike wrapped one arm around BElanna who was still gagged and struggling against the Asian man's firm grip as Chakotay turned to his beloved; just in time to see the sneering, knife wheeling Cardassian slice her throat and drop her body to the floor in a pool of her own blood. Chakotay called out in anguish and anger as he wrenched his own phaser from his boot. Realising what Chakotay was about to do, Mike flung B'Elanna into his stunned friends arms; leapt down, grabbed Cassie's blood stained body and called the waiting Val Jean for and immediate beam out.

Chakotay suddenly found himself standing in the cargo bay of his ship with Mike still cradling the bloody mess that was Cassie's limp body. The young Klingon stood wide eyed and fearful, still naked; her own blood covering her body; the gag still firmly in place. From the fire into the furnace, thought the girl as two Maquis men came up and caught her by her now fearfully limp arms as Chakotay let go of her and watched as Mike slowly lowered Cassie's body to the ground. Mike met his old friend's eyes with sorrow and shook his head as the Native American fell to his knees before her. He cried out his sorrow in loud, bellowing cries which filled the room with a deep sense of anguish. Not one present could mistake the deep emotions pouring forth from his heart. He was a broken man in those few moments. The Klingon found herself feeling sorry for somebody else for the first time in her life. Terror and fear still gripped her as she worried what was to come of her. Everyone in the room was silent for a long while as Chakotay spoke words, not words the frightened girl or anyone else understood, but they were words, words of his Native Language. He held the body for several minutes. Everyone present stood quietly taking in the scene before them. Standing in the cargo bay was just Chakotay, the Asian man who had been with him on the Cardassian ship and the two men now holding onto her.

Then slowly, ever so slowly, Chakotay stood and turned to B'Elanna. His face full of rage and anger, still smeared with his dead lover's blood. With tremendous pain and tears in his eyes, he advanced towards B'Elanna's where his men held her facing him naked, battered, and terrified. She found something in her clicking as once again, she was restrained while an angry man advanced towards her. B'Elanna was fearful, pain racked, and so weak physically she couldn't fight; this Maquis could take whatever he wished; she didn't care anymore. She was limp, broken, and shattered; no good to anyone. Only an hour before she had been shouting insults at the man who she now stood before. She had been strong and courageous then, so sure of herself. Then the men came, there were so many of them, she should have known they weren't just there to kill her…she had been innocent to those things. She was full of Klingon hatred, and her fervour had gotten her noticed. When they took the knife to her clothing she knew then that she would die, she just didn't realize it would be after she was brutalized. She had watched his eyes, the eyes of the man in front of her as she begged for help. He seemed to care, he had not dropped his dark eyed gaze from her while he fought to remove the men who held and pillaged her small body, and now she was before him as his prisoner. Chakotay held her eyes as he stopped within inches of her face. He looked her in the eyes and said "A good warrior died this day, but you…" his voice trailed off as he reached out to grasp her face in his hands forcing her to look at him, her breathing heavy and forceful as his men held her tightly, "…you lived Klingon." B'Elanna froze, his voice was deep, but soft and gentle like a song; not angry and demanding like she had imagined. Her eyes widened as he stretched his arm further around the back of her head. It took her a terrified second to realise what he was doing, he was removing the gag from around her mouth, she coughed as he did so. He was looking at her face with emotion as he said softly, "water?" It took her a second to realise he was actually asking her a question, one laced with concern and compassion. The pain was still evident in his face; tears still lingered in his eyes.

B'Elanna didn't understand what was happening, why was he being kind to her; wasn't he going to…she growled and struggled to reign in the emotions that swirled about her; they overwhelmed her and consumed her as she angrily shouted, "P'Tack!" while spitting in his face and using what strength she had left to fight against the men who had been holding her up.

Chakotay held her eyes for a second, then turned to walk out the room shouting orders as he went, "Get Ann down her to clean up Cassie's body, I'll visit later." Then turning to Mike, he spat more orders, "Put the Klingon in the brig, get her some water to wash herself, and something to drink. Nobody is to know what happened to her down there, you hear me? No one!" Thoughts of the day many years ago when Cassie had endured the same horrors filled Chakotay's mind; even though the Klingon didn't know it; this was not the first time he had seen the horrors she had endured, and this wasn't going to be the first time he helped someone through it; and he would help her through it whether she liked it or not.

"What are you going to do?" Mike asked not sure whether to follow orders or follow his Captain. Chakotay was still his Captain, but after what had just happened he was concerned for his friend. Mike was one of two people who knew what plagued Chakotay. He knew because he had rescued Cassie and Chakotay. Ann knew because she had to mend the battered and broken bodies. The broken hearts took longer. He could see that Chakotay intended to help mend the broken Klingon he just ordered to the brig. Mike knew the guards would not talk; aside from himself, they were two of Chakotay's most trusted crew. News of Cassie's death would filter quickly, but no one would ask about how the Klingon came aboard. The brig was only necessary because she was so combative and there was more anger to come, it was a safety precaution for her and the crew.

"I need to take a vision quest," his voice was soft and B'Elanna noticed the tears now pouring down his face, she had no idea what a vision quest was but for some reason that tugged at her broken heart. Then it suddenly dawned on her that the calm, gentle man was about to leave her there with his animal subordinates.

"Please?" she called out to him as a sudden wave of panic washed over her.

Chakotay spun round and met her eyes before he growled under his breath, "nobody is to lay a land on her, not a single hair on her head is to be hurt or touched," his breathing was heavy and hard as he snapped, "and for Spirit's sake, get her some clothes; Cassie had some spares." With that he was gone leaving her alone with Mike and his men.

(+)(+)(+)

_Chakotay felt someone put a warm hand to his face and wipe the tears that he did not know were streaming down his face. They were the hands of his beloved wife. She was still holding onto him with one arm and holding B'Elanna's hand with the other. How long they had been like that he didn't know, but he had been so lost in the memories that he felt he was reliving them; the pain of losing Cassie reopening a long scarred over wound. Kathryn had felt the tears streaming down his face as she listened to the words being spoken. The words had stopped for the moment giving each of them a chance to breath. Kathryn let go of B'Elanna's hand when she saw the tears streaming down the Klingon's face. She had wanted to comfort both of them, and she needed comfort herself. Hearing B'Elanna's story brought back so much of her own pain; the words were stinging, as she still fought for composure. Too many years of practice and yielding to her command posture had helped her discipline her emotions in times of severe distress. _

_Tom now held B'Elanna in both arms; cradling her as he whispered comforting words in her ear. B'Elanna melted into his embrace and let him openly comfort her. Neither Tom nor B'Elanna was given to letting their private emotional moments be witnessed by others; this stood in sharp contrast to how they displayed every other emotion so publically. Seeing them like this; they looked so comfortable with each other; she wanted to know that kind of love; know it with Chakotay. Could he really help her feel whole again? As she looked at his face she remembered his words the week before in the cottage in Paris, could she love a broken angry warrior? It hit Kathryn, maybe she wasn't the only one in need of help to feel whole again, could they do that for each other? Her mind swirled in the thoughts of those long suppressed memories. She had not stopped wiping her husband's tears; she now noticed that he was observing her with a pure and open heart, unashamed of the tears falling from his face as he looked on at her. Chakotay caught her other arm as she released it from B'Elanna and pulled her into a warm and comforting embrace. She closed her eyes and just let herself feel his arms around her for a few moments. Their love had seen all numbers of trials over the years, but it wasn't a trial to love her; just to convince her she could trust the love he offered. _

_As the words the words began again, Kathryn returned her head to Chakotay's shoulder and again allowed him to hold her in a loose hug. She was glad to have his contact as she processed the nightmarish words; she could feel her ability to hold her command stance weaken with each word uttered. She had become practiced to hearing troublesome things over the years; years of command training that was slowly beginning to crumble._

(+)(+)(+)

Chakotay walked into the brig of his ship, such a dim and dirty place. His ship was small, old and rusting a little in parts made of an old metal, but it was his ship; The Val Jean, he was actually quite proud of where he had taken the ship. When he had acquired her, he never thought he would have achieved so much with her or regard her so fondly; she was his beloved ship. Chakotay also never believed he would be Captain to such a profoundly loyal and hard working group of freedom fighters. These were the real Maquis. They fought for liberty and not to steal and pillage from whoever came along. There was no killing just for the sake of killing; it was all for the protection of the home worlds that the Cardassians had destroyed; and preventing the annihilation of the ones it still wanted to destroy. They were not like what the majority of the rest of the Maquis had become and he was no ordinary Cell Leader.

It had only been two hours or so since he and Mike had returned to the Val Jean with Cassie's lifeless body, and a naked wreck of a Klingon woman they had managed to rescue from further torture and death. Chakotay had taken that time to clean up, pray and do a vision quest now he stood and looked at the pitiful form of the battered Klingon woman curled up on the floor incased in a mesh cage; wrapped in a blanket. Thinking she was sleeping, he turned to take seat in a chair, with the intention of waiting until she woke, when her voice spat out, "What do you want?"

Chakotay clenched his fists and turned back to the blood stained woman, who now stood; she trembled slightly, but gathered all the courage she could muster as her dark eyes met with his. "What's your name?" he asked softly which took the woman before him by surprise; clearly she had not expected that question from him.

"Why should I tell you?" she growled as she tightened her grip around the blanket she wore as his soft, dark eyes fell on her through the wire mesh. She wasn't sure why, but part of her felt she could trust this man; her Klingon still surged with the adrenaline from the attack. She wanted to believe he had really saved her, but she wasn't so sure. They had not hurt her, but she had heard stories of Maquis ships. There were many conflicting thoughts running through her as the struggled to understand why anyone would save her; what did he want?

He circled the small enclosure she was in located in the centre of the room, as his deep voice told her calmly, "you have fire and spirit." Once again he stood before her and met her eyes with a dimpled smile and said in a soft deep voice, "we could use somebody like you."

"Over my dead body!" She lunged forward as her fists pelted the wire cell while he calmly stood watching.

With an almighty Klingon growl she stood down, this man was a conundrum to her; someone she couldn't work out. Fiercely Maquis, a handsome rugged man, revered and respected as a leader and yet there was something B'Elanna couldn't understand; he stood before her looking at her and speaking as though he regarded her as an equal. Even after everything he had seen that day…he was seeing her as a person? She had a hard time believing _anyone_ would find her as anything, but disgusting. She was a freak in Starfleet, having left the academy in a huff. She could not exist in the Klingon world because she was not 'Klingon' enough in her ways but hadn't seemed to fit with humans or her father for being 'too Klingon'. She had been an outcast all her life; this was just another time she could be thrown aside. Well, the Cardassians had made sure she wouldn't have any honour left when they raped her repeatedly taking the only thing she had not yet lost in her young life. She had held Chakotay's gaze the whole time…he hadn't looked disgusted. He looked concerned, but she didn't understand people being concerned for her; she reacted with the only emotion set she could…the strong part of herself, the Klingon part. Watching her closely, he smiled and told her, "I'm Chakotay." He waited, but there was no reply.

Shame, bitterness, anger, and frustration welled up in her, but this calm man, this quiet man wouldn't let her have the outlet she needed. "I know," was all B'Elanna could think of saying as she stood in a swirl of emotions, deflated and weak.

The copper skinned man looked shocked, almost taken aback. His eyes widened, his smile faltered and he stood stiffly, "You do?" came his calm, deep voice as it mesmerized B'Elanna like a song.

Her Klingon temper flared as B'Elanna's face broke into a cold and cruel smile as she told him, "I heard that Slag say it as she hung on to you in fear." Shaking her head to emphasize her point, she scoffed, "so weak!"

Chakotay looked raged, anger boiled in his eyes, sending momentary fear into B'Elanna; she had never seen such anger before. It wasn't a raw and broken anger; it came from a place so far from anything B'Elanna understood. It was a calm, placid anger; not Klingon anger. "Cassie was stronger than you care to know," he told her in that dreamy deep voice; "she died to save you."

"I didn't ask her too," B'Elanna spat the words out before she could think about what she was saying; it was very much her Klingon manner.

"No," Chakotay said calmly, once again circling the cage that held her, "that makes her even braver in my mind." B'Elanna willed her eyes to meet those of the tall, dark skinned man. She wanted to fight him with all her Klingon fury; but somehow, she didn't have the power or strength anymore; she wasn't even sure she didn't trust him. Abruptly changing the subject he looked at her for a long moment; "They tell me your refusing clothes," he said firmly and sure.

"I won't wear her clothes," B'Elanna spat out without hesitation, disgust and shame filling her voice. For all her vibrato, she was really did not know how to feel. No one could love her now, she had always been on the losing end; her Klingon heritage both a blessing and a curse.

Chakotay regarded the small, clearly frightened, naked woman standing before him wrapped only in a blanket. He too was feeling a flood of emotions, but didn't the younger woman to see that; somehow, Chakotay knew she needed him a lot more than either of them cared to admit. "This isn't a fancy ship, supplies are low," he told her gesturing to the leather which one of his men had tried to offer her before, which now lay degraded and untouched on the floor at his feet. "There are no other clothes, I would take it, that blanket will be no good to you while you're working."

Her dark eyes flashed with a passionate fury that seeped over the fear she had held in her eyes since the Cardassian had sliced open her clothing some hours before, "I won't work on this ship" she weakly growled through clinched teeth, but only a quarter of the frightening Klingon growl Chakotay knew she was capable of.

"You won't stay in my brig taking our resources and not earning your keep," he retorted back to her; his calm upset just a bit. 

That got her attention! Turning slightly she once more tightened her grip on the blanket around her as she spat in response, "so put me on the next M class planet you come across."

"Alone?" He uttered calmly and steadily; it worried B'Elanna, "Naked?" That thought terrified her, if she was honest; her head shot up to meet his steady gaze and he told her, "I didn't think so."

"Why do you care?" B'Elanna said. He voice was loud; it was angry and it sounded raw to Chakotay. Her words brought back memories; he had seen it before, in Cassie, in his medic Ann, and a few of the women on his ship. That same frustration that came at his caring nature after the Cardassians had taken from them. Where he could help them, he did.

"I like you," he shrugged. He knew he wouldn't get through to her now; she was still in a very guarded mode, as was pretty normal. It was not normal for the refusal of clothes, but she was not your normal human, her spirit reminded him so much of his youngest sister. He gathered up Cassie's discarded leather uniform as he turned to leave saying, "if you change your mind about the clothing you know where I am."

B'Elanna watched his leather clad, tanned skinned body walked from her. "You like me?" She called out after his slowly retreating form, "after... "

He turned to her, met her eyes, even if she was timid at looking him in the eye; and lifted the leather clothing in his hands saying, "Think about my offer. We really could use you working on our ship."

"I know what Maquis Cell Leaders take from women who want to join them," she spat at him in pure disgust.

"Not this one," he said calmly, meeting her eyes with sincere honesty. Chakotay did not believe in taking what was not freely offered. He would never lie that he hadn't take a couple of the Maquis women to his bed, but he did not do so when he was involved with one; and it certainly was NOT a requirement to serve on his ship.

She watched him standing tall and proud; he was staring at her and for the first time she realized that he was actually a man full of emotions. No doubt he had saved her life earlier that day, and now, for some reason, was trying to extend his caring to her, but she just didn't know what to make of him. "I am sorry," B'Elanna said as she found herself mumbling, "about your woman." Chakotay didn't respond; he couldn't but he was touched by her words. He offered a slight nod in response and turned to walk away; leaving her completely on her own. The idea didn't make B'Elanna feel too comfortable. It was dark, and she was cold and with nothing but a blanket for covering. She sank back down to the floor once again feeling confused, degraded, and beaten.

(+)(+)(+)

_The room was filled with heavy emotions and there was a soft sound of crying coming from the bed. Chakotay still held his sweet wife wrapped in the blanket from the bed, amazed at her trust in him tonight. She had begun crying quietly hearing the details of B'Elanna's ordeal. Chakotay was convinced that Kathryn was hearing what was being said; and it was affecting her. Admiral Janeway had clearly taken a back seat here. Kathryn was once again holding B'Elanna's hand as the story was unfolding; she found comfort in it. Seeing her clinging to him and B'Elanna tugged at his heart; it was as if each was giving her a something of a lifeline. It broke his heart to see her pull the blanket over them when the story got to that part. He was sure that she was remembering a time when she was naked, and had no blanket…that he was sure about. He took comfort in the fact that he was able to offer her comfort now; and that she had placed the blanket over THEM and not just herself._

_She had been very concerned about Chakotay keeping B'Elanna naked and gagged, but when she heard about B'Elanna's request about being left on the next M Class planet brought back dark memories for Kathryn of being left on that M Class planet after trying to get into a Maquis Cell after her 20 month prison stint. She had been left, broken, battered, and embarrassed. B'Elanna's tale was so similar to hers in parts. Chakotay hoped his beloved wife would accept the love being poured out to her. B'Elanna had never consented to telling her story to anyone; save Tom, she truly loved Kathryn. This wasn't just for her brother…it was because she wanted to be._

(+)(+)(+)

B'Elanna was lying on her back with the cold metal floor against her torn and battered skin as she used the blanket to cover her nakedness. Her eyes closed as she let the pain overwhelm her, she had no idea how much time had passed; things were in a daze, all she could hope for now was death to end her pain. She wished she could just fall into oblivion, the sight of that Maquis woman slaughtered before her eyes, while trying to save her; she could not comprehend why she had wanted to do that. The pain filling that Maquis Captain's eyes as he dropped to his knees to cradle the lifeless body of his lover in his arms; her neck sliced open still pouring blood as he cried out in anguish still rang in her thoughts. Her body was still wracked with the pain of the five brute Cardassians who to raped her before the two dark skinned men had ripped the last one from her; phaser fire was everywhere as things happened so quickly. One minute she was being tortured and the next moment she saw them pulling a dead man from her and calling for a beam out. The Maquis Captain cradled the young curly hair woman in his arms, and wept with her held tight to his chest, calling her name, Cassie. Such a beautiful name B'Elanna mused. Chakotay's words rung in her ears _'she died to save you.'_ This was a woman she didn't even know, and she had actually died to save her from the awful horror which he had been enduring. The thoughts overwhelmed her; but it got her mind off the searing pain that now ripped into her abdomen and her womanhood. The thoughts terrified her, haunted her; sleep would not come. There was nothing B'Elanna could do but lay curled up and wish for death. She was fighting with herself not to cry as she heard his large, striding footsteps enter the room and stop just before the cell he held her in. His leather clad boots thundering against the metal floor, "Are you board or something?" She hissed with her eyes still closed.

"Feel like telling me your name?" He asked calmly as B'Elanna snapped her eyes open as she realised the closeness he had to her. He was inside her cell; this angered her, but not nearly as much as it terrified her. Her body was suddenly on full alert.

"No," she found herself snapping as she sat upright and gathered the blanket securely around her naked body.

Chakotay slowly and carefully knelt before her, the great Maquis Captain at her level, she didn't understand, it confused her and sent searing fear into her. "Perhaps something human?" He asked calmly as she tried helplessly to get away from him. When she didn't reply, he watched her response and he saw disgust there; he knew the disgust wasn't for him. A dimpled smile crept across his face as he gripped her shoulders; forcing the terrified woman be still and meet his eyes as he said in a deep, soft voice, "No, maybe Klingon?" At that, there was a distinct twitch in B'Elanna's eyes. Chakotay let go of his soft grip on her shoulders and watched her responses.

"You don't know the first thing about me," she found the strength to roar, as she tried to force herself to stand.

"I know you hate Cardassians," he told her helping her grimacing body as she struggled on her own feet with such a tender touch. B'Elanna had never felt such a loving touch from a man since her father had left her when she was so young. She had one boyfriend at the Academy, but he had not been gentle with her and she never let him get that close. "And, I know you hate me," Chakotay concluded looking into her eyes.

"I hate Maquis," she yelled, pulling from his gentle grip, and spitting in his face. With considerable rage she continued, "I hate Starfleet too." Chakotay did nothing, but calmly wipe the spit from his face and look at her.

"I am not fond of Starfleet either," said Chakotay in a soft, almost imperceptible whisper.

In all the movement her blanket slid from her battered and broken body; leaving her naked and exposed. Chakotay knelt down and picked up the blanket handing it to her and gently said, "that's a lot if hate you carry." The fact he had kept his eyes closely trained on her face; and not once looked at or touched her naked form, was not lost on B'Elanna, though she chose to ignore that fact.

Her pain and fury met his eyes, as she stilled herself the courage to carry on, "So Chakotay?" she inquired, "what's that tattoo you have?" He looked at her slightly confused, but he kept his dark eyes on her. "Is it to remind you of how many Cardassians you've killed or how many women you've raped?"

"I have never raped a woman." Chakotay kept his distance and his temper, but hands formed tight fists at his side, willing himself to stay still and calm before this woman intent on winding him up and provoking him. The suggestion too close to him, to close to his buried raw emotions. When he and Cassie had gotten captured by the Cardassians several years before, they had forced him to have sex with her as they watched; ready to kill either of them if they did not carry through. Though they had a growing relationship and each loved the other, he never really had chance to ask her permission, though her eyes had given that permission. Cassie had always said she did grant him permission and that she never felt violated by the tender man; but yet he had always felt guilty for that day. "I never would," he insisted to B'Elanna. Something about that Klingon mesmerized him, he saw then, that he had a chance to save her from what he could see was her worst enemy….herself. It would start with his honesty; he vowed never to lie to her, and he would answer any question she asked him. "It's a deeply spiritual symbol of my tribal people," he stated with sheer honesty. His calm words surprised her. B'Elanna stood tall to meet his eyes as he thrust the leather clothes at her and hissed, "Put it on!"

"No!" Her voice was loud and angry. "Make me," she said as the two stood and stared each other in the eye. Chakotay knew she would refuse what he was going to do next; he also knew she had to do it. He did not expect B'Elanna to drop the blanket she wore, and try to thrust her battered body at him in a desperate attempt to crack his gentle calm composure, "you would like that wouldn't you," she sneered.

"I am not going to make you do anything you don't want to," he told her softly taking her wrists from around his neck and placing them back at her side; still not looking at her naked form. He took a deep breath, met her eyes once again, and told her, "but there is one other matter that needs tending to."

"What?" A very ashamed B'Elanna spat picking up her blanket and wrapping it tightly around her as she covered herself unable to meet his gaze. Chakotay didn't flinch as he gestured for a woman with thick black hair, dark leather clothes, and large boots who B'Elanna hadn't seen before to step forward. "Who's she?" B'Elanna demanded shifting backwards in her cell, trying to get away.

"This is Ann, our medic," Chakotay said cautiously.

(+)(+)(+)

_Chakotay glanced down and saw the two hands still joined as he and Tom still held their crying wives. He knew all this must be hard for Tom to hear, it was hard on him, but he loved his wife more than he needed to hold these things in. The tenderness with which Tom held B'Elanna was heart-warming. Chakotay remembered when he had been called down the Sick Bay on Voyager shortly after the young woman had trusted her then boyfriend with the horrifying truths of her past. The Sikarians had left the ship days before and he was summoned by the Doctor after Tom, once again, needed treatment for serious wounds that were inflicted by B'Elanna. The Doctor was livid, but Tom assured Chakotay and the Doctor that the injuries were just a by-product of his love making to a very sexually aggressive half Klingon. Those words had crashed through Chakotay's memory. Though Tom only indicated that she was very intense; Chakotay saw a flash of something from her past. He knew that she had not been intimate after her attacks, but the intensity with which she was aggressive with Tom reminded him of something else. He had gone to B'Elanna and reminded her that perhaps her aggression was in an attempt to control the pace of things sexually; since that control has been taken from her before she ever had it. B'Elanna had almost punched him in the nose before he was able to convince her that he was not mocking her; that he was trying to continue to help her. She had thought about his words and then found the words to talk to Tom. Tom enjoyed her aggressiveness, but only if it made her feel good too. Tom loving worked with B'Elanna to try to give her the control she needed with more gentleness that was more characteristic of human coupling. She enjoyed many new emotions and learned what real love was; what tenderness was, and how to express her innate aggressiveness in the most loving of ways. She could not deny her Klingon passions; and Tom didn't want her to deny that part of her, he loved all of her. It was part of what made their love so special; they were embracing and accepting of each other. _

_Chakotay wanted that for Kathryn; wanted her to know that she could trust his love and his tenderness. He had declared his love to her a long time ago on a plant in another quadrant where they might have been spending the rest of their lives. It was earlier in their journey and he knew then that he loved her. She had listened to his 'Angry Warrior' speech after she had wanted to set parameters in their recently changed relationship. She had clung to the hope of returning to the ship; something they had discussed a couple of times on that planet. He knew now that she was terrified; and more of it made sense now. She had held his hand as he told her through that speech that he loved her. She had allowed herself to be taken in by his words of love for a brief time before the mantle of the Captain locked him out. She had smiled at him with tears in her eyes; she had shown him a glimpse of her soul that night without saying a word. It was a small glimpse, but it was something he had never forgotten; he hoped to see it again. Chakotay knew Kathryn loved him, and trusted him more than she had probably trusted anyone else in her life since she was captured with Admiral Paris all those years before, he wanted her to know she could trust him enough to know she didn't need to hold onto any command stance in his presence. The Admiral had her place; and it was for Starfleet; not for the times when Kathryn should enjoy being a woman, the woman he knew she was under all of the hurt and pain. At this thought he gathered her just a bit tighter and then kissed her forehead as he braced them against the continuing storm…._

(+)(+)(+)

"Medic?" B'Elanna pressed up against the cell wall as hard as she could; her breathing quickened, her heart was pounding, 'medic' meant doctor. A doctor meant submitting to an exam; that thought terrified her, she was so horrified and consumed with shame and guilt she didn't think she could cope. Her breathing was ragged and laboured as she contemplated the ramifications of seeing a medic.

Chakotay stepped closer, silently willing her to understand why this had to happen; but that understanding did not come. "This is not a Starfleet vessel, we do not have a proper doctor, but you need to see somebody," his eyes made a quick flick downwards over the grey blanket that covered her body as he said softly, "we need to sure you…"

"Sure of what?" she ragged as she tried to back further into the cell wall, "you know what happened." Her eyes darted from the now familiar dark eyes of the Maquis Captain to the soft and understanding green eyes of the woman she did not know.

"Yes," Chakotay told her softly, drawing her eyes back to him as he ran a soft hand over her sleek brown hair, "yes, I do." Then B'Elanna saw something in his eyes, even amidst her own terror, it was something that she didn't understand; sadness and tears. For her? Surely not. "That's why I need Ann too look after you; you took heavy beatings as well as the other…" He did not finish the sentence. He wanted her to understand that it was for her own good.

"No!" she yanked herself away from him with surprising force. How could he be so gentle and calm about this? Did he not remember what happened to her? Had he not seen watched it; pulled the last of them off her?

"Look, Tamar," he said gently as he nodded for Ann to come forward, "Can I call you Tamar, since you won't tell me your name?" Without even waiting for a reply, he slipped closer to her so he could a firm, yet gentle grip on her, "I have a responsibility to everyone on board this ship," then as though she were as light as a feather, he picked her up and carried her out of the cell, "a responsibility I take very seriously," he said calmly in her ear. "Now, you're going to be treated weather you like it or not," Chakotay said as he walked toward the medical facility on his she. She was kicking and screaming with her legs and arms flaying frantically. She was in terror mode once again. No one was going to touch her.

"What happened to you won't make me do anything I don't want to?" she shouted loudly; still fighting to free herself from his grip as fear continued filling her mind with swirling and frantic thoughts that harkened her back to the Cardassian ship she had been on hours before.

He picked her up skilfully, making sure her blanket kept her covered, "I won't let you die down here" he hissed in her ear as he strained to hold her gently against her fight. She was a strong woman; and her hear made her responses stronger; it was a delicate balance, but he knew it was worth trying to attain.

"Why not?" She yelled as he once again proceeded toward waiting medic. Terror gripped the frightened young Klingon as she struggled to wonder what that smiling woman might find. "It's what I deserve," B'Elanna cried out in a tone that tore at Chakotay's heart so strongly that it made him stop walking and stare at her downcast face as he held her tightly. The sudden change in Chakotay's movements made B'Elanna freeze as her own emotions got the better of her.

Chakotay's quick strong arms carefully adjusted B'Elanna's body so she more easily faced him; while he still refused to let her go of her, at least she didn't struggle and she risked raising her head to meet his gaze. As their eyes locked, B'Elanna's anger faltered; she was looking into his deep eyes and saw compassion. There was something else; something B'Elanna hadn't seen since her younger days. He looked at her like her father used to look at her; before things had gone so wrong and the man had left her mother. B'Elanna had been devastated. He had not contacted her since, but she still remembered how much he loved her and that is what she was seeing in Chakotay now. It was a true and honest way about his eyes that spoke to her. "Deserve?" came Chakotay's gentle questioning voice, tearing into the silence that now lingered between them. She didn't deserve to die. She wasn't going to die that day on his ship; certainly NOT because he didn't have her treated. The Cardassians were brutal and left serious injuries…ones he didn't need to get infected. She should have been in desperate pain.

"Don't touch me!" B'Elanna stated in a frightened scream. She found a surge of adrenaline coursing through her as she desperately tried to pull herself from the older man's grasp; almost knocking him backwards. His eyes never left hers as he relinquished his hold of her into the surprisingly strong arms of Ann who took B'Elanna kicking and screaming into a room. As the door was shut, Chakotay saw the resurging terror in B'Elanna flash in her eyes. He willed himself to tear his mind from the Klingon he would call Tamar. She would be Tamar until she decided otherwise. He let his mind wonder back to thoughts of Cassie as he made his way back to the bridge; he needed to find a hidden M Class planet as quickly as possible.

(+)(+)(+)

_Chakotay watched as B'Elanna bravely retold to awful story, with only a little help from him. He was proud to love both these incredibly strong women; proud to call them his family. He was also proud of Ann and Cassie, and the other woman of his Val Jean crew who had endured the unspeakable at the hands of the Cardassians; they had overcome so much under the direst of circumstances. His heart sank a bit at the memory of how awful he felt the day he forced B'Elanna to have medical treatment when she didn't want to. He knew had to be done for her health and ultimately her healing; both physically and emotionally. He was thankful and proud of Ann's unwavering commitment to helping each person her asked her to treat. She did more than heal their physical wounds. She could do so much more than he could in certain respects. As his mind processed these feelings once again, Kathryn watched the emotions that came flooding across his face. She was practiced at reigning in her needs to deal with others, and though her resolve to that control was cracking, she was able to see so much of what he was feeling; she knew this man well, but she was finding out there was much more that she didn't know. She knew he had taken great compassion in helping those who crossed his path on the Val Jean. It gave her unconscious strength in knowing that he would feel the same, if not deeper for her._

_Kathryn took his hand tightly asking, "What happened to her?" Her voice was cracked and husky as she rested herself against him pulling the blanket tighter around them both as if it was a cocoon against all that plagued them._

_"Who?" B'Elanna asked unsure who Kathryn was referring too or who she was asking the question of._

_"Ann the medic," Kathryn whispered looking sadly at Chakotay, "you were obviously very fond of her."_

_"She wasn't really much of a medic, but she learned the best she could," he said with his soft voice. B'Elanna snorted slightly at his words. "When the Cardassians got really brutal, I tried to recruit real doctors, but recruiting into cells like mine, real Maquis cells not barbaric pirate ships, got harder and harder." Sensing she was getting ready to need more comfort, he let his hand roam up into Kathryn's deliciously soft hair; she didn't stiffen, she merely sunk into the soft caressing of his hands through her hair, he would never get board of that. Once again he saw her relax under his caress so he continued, "Until one day I asked Ann to consider training best she could as a medic." Chakotay met Kathryn's bright eyes telling her, "We had to make do where we could."_

_"So she wasn't properly trained?" Kathryn confirmed what she understood. This whole evening was a swirl of emotions. She had no idea so many women close to Chakotay had been victims…she had never thought about what they had been through as Maquis while they were aboard Voyager. After all this time, she knew so little; even of the man she married. Part of her was upset about that, the other part took that as affirmation that he could keep a confidence from anyone…maybe he really could handle her horrors. Hers had lasted so long, and been so buried. She had to retrain her thoughts back to the present as Chakotay answered her question._

_"No, she wasn't, but she picked up what she could from PADDs and the medical facilities we happened upon. She was good," Chakotay insisted proudly, "the best we had. She could stitch up wounds, and save limbs pretty well after all the practice she got."_

_"So what happened to her?" Kathryn asked as she let her fingers run circles on his knee. She could not look at her husband as a bit of timidity washed over her. She let him answer in his time, but he didn't reply; he simply looked at her mesmerized by the patterns she drew on his knee. Then it suddenly hit Kathryn square in the gut; raising one hand she shook her head saying, "Wait, don't bother… I can guess." The tears were once again sliding down her cheeks._

_Chakotay wanted to pull her closer and just chase all the horror going through her mind away, but she had questions and while Kathryn was engaging he was going to meet her. With a shallow breath he ploughed forward, "It did happen to her; she knew what it was to be a woman captured by the Cardassians, My Love." He watched as softly she continued with her tracing of the patterns on his knee, "but long before B'Elanna was with us." B'Elanna nodded; it had been a huge relief when she learnt that Ann too had been through a similar horror to what she had suffered. The shame had been less during the examination. Ann had calmed her down just enough to treat her. Those few short minutes had largely been silent, but not too long after she and Ann bonded; for too many years they had stayed up into the early hours of many mornings sharing and supporting each other. She had always wanted to feel strong enough to help others the way Ann had helped her; B'Elanna had never figured out how to balance her Klingon temper and the required emotional balance needed to love someone through this tragedy; or so she thought, she was now doing that very thing, to a woman she loved dearly, one who was like a sister, mother, and friend all wrapped in one person. Just holding Kathryn's hand through the recounting of the traumas had helped so much. She just hoped it had helped Kathryn in a small way. Kathryn was not alone. Chakotay would love and accept her, but B'Elanna was going to make sure she healed wholly…it was the least she could do for the two people who had given her everything she held dear in her life._

_Kathryn could sense the deep bond in B'Elanna's eyes, it saddened her slightly, "I'm sorry you lost her," Kathryn said as she gently squeezed the small hand still clasped in hers, "you both must have cared for her greatly," she said looking from one to the other._

_"We do," admitted Chakotay, and then added softly, "She's done well for herself." Kathryn looked at him wide eyed; she had assumed that the woman was dead. "I trust her implicitly," Chakotay said as he nodded at B'Elanna exchanging looks to communicate just how far they should go._

_"But that was a different time and place, I had to give her the space to move on with her life and not always be identified by what happened to her; survivor or not," Chakotay said with conviction. _

_"She's still alive?" Kathryn asked looking for an explanation; her surprised features clearly showed her confusion._

_"Yes, she is," B'Elanna answered in a reassuring, but questioning tone as she gave Chakotay an odd look; trying to communicate with him silently as they both fought to understand and alleviate his wife's confusion._

_"So she left your ship?" Kathryn stroked his knee, trying to show him some physical comfort to convey that she understood how that felt, "that must have been hard."_

_Chakotay returned B'Elanna's look before saying, "Kathryn, she never left my ship."_

_"I…I don't understand," stammered a much more confused Kathryn, a quick glance at Tom told her he wasn't as confused as she was. Turning back to Chakotay, she silently waited for answers._

_"She was on Voyager," Chakotay answered in a slightly unsure voice, at first it was all he was willing to offer in explanation. He had to make his decision quickly. How much would he tell without Ann's permission? She had given him permission over the time she helped treat battered and terrorized women on the Val Jean, but he had never asked her permission since; she had started a new life, one that still interacted with Kathryn and the other Voyager family._

_"No, she wasn't Chakotay, I would have known of a medic called Ann on my crew," Kathryn told him, annoyed at the thought he believed her that stupid; even if she was emotionally drained and distraught._

_"She wasn't always a medic," Chakotay found himself telling her; still silently debating whether this story was his to be told or not._

_"But if you had a medic, to whatever ability, you should have told me. You know we could have used that her on Voyager," she told him in growing frustration and annoyance._

_"We did," Tom piped in, causing Kathryn to raise her eyebrow at him. Voyager's Captain slipping back onto Kathryn's face upon hearing his words. "When I took over from Kes, she helped me a great deal; she taught me a lot about being a medic that the Doctor just couldn't convey," Tom added sounding a little less sure, "and she was always one of the first to volunteer in Sick Bay." All three watched as she processed the information._

_"You lied to me!" Kathryn said, wide eyed with a strikingly horrified look, "you told me had no doctor; no medic," continued Kathryn as she started to push away from his embrace; angry at his betrayal of her trust…something that was so fragile at the moment._

_Quickly speaking before she got too far into her panic, Chakotay said, "Kathryn, I didn't lie to you." Chakotay relaxed as she stilled her panicked movements and stilled in his arms; silently telling him she was listening. In a quiet and calm voice he continued, "Love, you have to understand how it was for us," he took her hands in his trying to make her understand why he did what he did in all those years ago during their first week together. She allowed him to hold her hands, but she couldn't meet his eyes or cuddle into him; she was just close enough to hear his hushed whispers as they both were enshrouded under the blanket, "I was torn between my intense loyalty and dedication to my broken crew, and my new found loyalty and submission to you and your command."_

_"So what? You told me you had no medic, because you were being loyal to her?" Kathryn huffed. In her broken and strongly independent mind, she still didn't understand it why he had done it. Every little thing was hyper intensified in her current state of mind._

_"Ann had been the finest engineer on my crew; Starfleet trained," he said. Then with tears filling his eyes, he resumed retelling the difficult story, "Then one day I ordered her to go on an Away Mission down to a planet surface with Tabor." His dark eyes slid shut as Kathryn's bright blue eyes watched innately knowing what was coming next. "She was captured. You can guess the rest," he said with pain still in his voice._

_"You got her back?" It was a question and a statement begging for reassurance all rolled into one. He hugged her into his embrace just a bit more to offer that reassurance._

_"Yes, but not before..." his voice tailed away and he hung his head to rest onto her shoulder before he said, "I felt so guilty." _

_Kathryn's heart pounded harder at his words, "Oh my Love," she whispered sadly; resting one palm on his chest, the other which had been clasped in B'Elanna's, reached up to wipe away his tears for the long forgotten pain. She knew guilt over command decisions. Decisions that had to be made, but one had no control over the outcome. The results could often be paralyzing for a Captain; she knew this all too well._

_"I made a vow to look after her," Chakotay found the strength to tell Kathryn, "She was the first of the women under my command to have to go through that."_

_Kathryn nodded; sure she understood, "She didn't blame you?"_

_"No," Chakotay smiled weakly, "She turned to me for help," Chakotay said with great conviction as he told his wife with renewed strength. He trusted her, she would not abuse the trust in which he confided this information in her. She would be the last person to do that. "I gave everything I had to give to make it up to her," he finished. _

_Kathryn's mind was working overtime on this one; trying to put all the pieces in order as she said, "If she later worked as your medic, constantly facing those kind of injuries; then she must have trusted you."_

_"Yes," Chakotay confirmed softly as he met his wife's beautiful blue eyes, both filled with tears, "and she trusts you too." That revelation was a sudden surprise to Kathryn. She wondered who this mystery Ann was. Kathryn didn't understand, but she continued to listen to her husband. He had lived a horrific past too; one she didn't realize…one that perhaps could understand and handle what she had been through then, and what happened in the house she lived in before she sought refuge with him. She still kept that tightly in her as she struggled to understand the present mystery in front of her. "When I asked her to become my medic she gave me every excuse under the Sun, but when she finally asked me why her, I could tell her because I knew she understood." Chakotay carried on despite Kathryn's confused eyes, "It was perhaps the most important things she and others in the future would need; something as Captain I could not provide." _

_"So, she agreed to give up her life as my Chief Engineer and became my medic. When she was rescued from the Cardassians, she asked me for a new name; she didn't want to be known by her former name. She felt she was no longer able to be that person. I saw it many times after; Cassie was not Cassie's real name. So I named her Ann."_

_"He offered me another name too after he rescued me," B'Elanna added as she smiled softly, though it was hard then, and she had felt trapped in a living hell, the young Klingon had fond memories of how Chakotay showed his love for her; how he became her brother. They didn't know it at the time, but theirs was the most significant and loving bond he had formed with any of the women….well all except the one he shared with his precious wife._

_"But B'Elanna is your name right?" Tom jumped in suddenly staring wide eyed at his wife._

_"Yes," laughed B'Elanna, "I turned down his clothes and his name." Then she turned back to Chakotay with her sad smile and said, "Though I always liked Tamar."_

_"And here I was thinking you despised it, and you didn't remember," Chakotay said as he gave her his own dimpled smile and a small chuckle._

_"So, Ann worked on Voyager?" Kathryn asked bringing the conversation back to the matter at hand._

_"Yes," smiled Chakotay softly, "shortly after we came on board, I met with all my crew individually; told them this was no ploy, game, or trick; I had given you myself and my crew to do with as you wished."_

_"You said that?" it was Kathryn who was stunned; she had never known that. She watched him amazed as his eyes met hers._

_"Yes he did," B'Elanna confirmed seriously, "In no uncertain terms he told us that if you wanted him in the brig that's where he would go." B'Elanna stared at her friend and sister and said softly, "quietly with no protest." _

_"Oh Chakotay," Kathryn's eyes welled with tears; had he really been that loyal to her from day one?_

_"I was yours from the start," he whispered near her ear as he began softly kissing away her tears falling down her cheeks; he relished the fact she didn't pull away. "Ann asked me what I would do if you asked us to serve as Starfleet in your crew. I told her I would serve as the most up right Starfleet crewman, if you asked me to." He continued kissing her cheek and this her temples and head through her sweet smelling, silky auburn hair, as he drew her to him saying, "it was then Ann told me that she wanted to Starfleet again; and if you gave her that chance she didn't want to be 'Ann the Medic,' she wanted to be an engineer again. She wanted to take her real name again." Kathryn realised then what had happened as Chakotay confirmed, "I promised her that if you took in us as part of your crew, I would do everything in my power to ensure her wishes were fulfilled."_

_"Who?" was all Kathryn could choke out through the steady stream of tears now running anew down her face._

_"She served Voyager for seven fine years under B'Elanna; she is now the happiest I have ever known her to be with a healthy career and a promising relationship. Kathryn, you gave her that; you gave her the opportunity to get her life back, a life filled with dignity and the chance at redeeming ourselves, you did that for so many of us."_

_Kathryn was stunned, so much that she never knew. She never knew that his loyalty was from day one or that he had been willing to quietly go to the brig and told his crew that. She wondered why the Maquis integration had been as smooth as it was in those days. She still needed to know who Ann was. "Who do I know her as?" Kathryn found the strength to ask amidst her tears and shock and the depth._

_"Susan," Chakotay told her soft as he looked into her eyes, "Susan Nicoletti."_

_"Susan Nicoletti?" Kathryn gasped. "I never imagined." She shook her head, she really didn't have a clue "I didn't know," then realisation dawned, "she WAS always first to volunteer in Sick Bay."_

(+)(+)(+)

B'Elanna found herself being led in silence by two of Chakotay's Maquis security men along a very nice looking corridor. She was deflated with no energy or strength left to fight; besides she knew these two me would over power her naked form in seconds; they had held her up in the cargo bay after they were transported from the Cardassian ship. Chakotay had ordered that no one was to know what happened to her, and thus it was the same people she was being cared for by. The only exception he had made was for Ann. She held the blanket close around her, why she didn't know; she thought she didn't care what happened to herself anymore.

Chakotay sat in his tall straight back chair facing away from the door of his quarters aboard the Val Jean, his mind in turmoil as images of his beloved Cassie slaughtered before his eyes filled his troubled mind. The images of the terror in the Klingon woman's eyes flooded into his mind as he stood opposite as the brutes repeatedly raped her while he stood paralyze unable to prevent it while his beloved held onto him as the memories assaulted her. Images of his own Cassie raped, his family slaughtered and beaten at the hands of the Cardassians stirred the angry passions inside of him. He was angry with Mike for doing what he knew was right, and stopping him from seeking revenge. Revenge would have felt good in that moment, but it would not have been right. Mike stopped him from doing what he had tried to keep out of his Maquis Cell. Could he really let this go on? Now he sat staring out of the window at the passing stars, downing some Romulan ale and calmly reading a PADD in his hand; feeling genuinely sorry for the information it held.

The sound of the door to the Captain's quarters opening then closing again, alerted Chakotay to the knowledge that he was no longer alone in the darkened room. He didn't move or make any effort to alert the visitor to his presence. "Where am I?" snapped a fuming B'Elanna still clutching the blanket as she moved around the room looking for an escape after the men who had escorted her had left. Chakotay quietly stood from his chair to look at her; it took a moment for her to register his presence. When she did finally turn to meet his calm eyes, she stepped back and angrily spat at him once again, "P'tack!"

"You know some of my people are weary of your constant use of profanity," he told her softly turning his chair to face her, and sat down calmly in it once again gesturing for her to sit in a chair opposite him a he said soft, yet in a deep tone, "I would prefer it if you didn't."

"P'Tack," B'Elanna pushed the boundaries back to see what he would do.

Still holding her gaze with his ever calm dark eyes, he reached out to hand her a freshly poured glass of Romulen Ale and said, "Drink?"

She shook her head in refusal shouting, "you forced me to be seen by your doctor!" Somehow she had found the courage to be angry with him, his calm composure getting to her. He didn't say anything as he looked her up and down as though contemplating something important, then with a look on his face B'Elanna didn't understand, he took a deep breath and handed her the PADD he had been reading. "What's this?" B'Elanna demanded without taking it from him.

With a deep breath he told her softly, "her findings." The lump in this throat grew as he looked down at this girl, so young and vulnerable; and now so broken.

Her eyes widened in raging anger as she snatched the PADD from him as she declared angrily, "you read them?"

Chakotay knew what was coming; he wished he didn't have to tell this young woman what was written on this PADD. He had contemplated leaving it and telling her when she was more stable, but when would that be? Days? Weeks? Months? Years? He had to tell her now, even in this state, she has a right to know. With a shrug he said softly, "Captain's prerogative."

"You are not my Captain!" she was yelling now, "You're a P'Tack." He didn't say anything, he just watched her closely as her angry eyes fell to read the PADD in her hand; and then slowly, ever so slowly, he watched as what she was read sank into her mind. She looked up at him and demanded to know, "will I be able to have children?"

"We don't know." He couldn't lie to her, "I hope so, but Ann isn't sure. One day I hope to congratulate you and a loving father on becoming pregnant, but I just don't know." He saw the confusion flash across her face and become pain. He felt really sorry for her, and could only offer the small words, "I am sorry." There was a long silence as she tried to take in what he was telling her. She really hadn't thought of being a mother, but seeing her injuries catalogued on the PADD had flashed so many things through her mind; even if just for a moment. She really wasn't mother material anyway, she belonged nowhere, and after today, she felt even more lost and broken. Everyone had been right, she had no honour; not anymore.

"Where am I?" she asked again as she looked around the room.

Chakotay stood with that impressive dimpled smile across his face, spread his arms out wide and told her proudly, "Welcome to the Captain's quarters." It was something to break the silence and hopefully to change the mood they had just been captured in.

Fear filled B'Elanna as she suddenly realised she was in his living quarters. A quick glace to an open door at her left showed revealed his bed. "P'Tack!" she shouted loudly in fear he would want her in his small living quarters gripped her. Did he really want her to feel safe, so he could lull her to his bed?

Chakotay stood firm and regarded the angry Klingon softly, "you like that word don't you?" he asked as she kept her furious, yet frightened eyes carefully trained on him.

B'Elanna ignored his question and turned to face him as she advanced toward him asking, "Your woman died, so you want to replace her?" Part of B'Elanna wanted him to think she didn't care; she didn't want to play his victim girl, but another part of her feared what his strong body could take from her. She wanted control; she wanted to take back what had been stolen only hours before.

It was strange to B'Elanna, but Chakotay's calm and gentle composure had not been rocked by her words. As he once again sat in his chair and picked up the glass that held the remnants of his ale and swished the illegal liquid around in the glass, he stared at it as he ever so softly told her, "I want you to put some clothes on."

"No!" came her furious cry; she was angry, as well as frightened and confused, but there was one thing she was certain of, she would not put clothes on!

Chakotay calmly held all the outward signs of being fazed behaviour in check, but inwardly she troubled him a great deal. He had helped take care of many women who had faced her plight, some of whom he might dare to say had been more brutally assaulted, but never once, had they been angry like this. Yes they had felt anger, vehemently expressed it; but not like this, not like this Klingon. Even her anger was not wholly Klingon, it was deeply rooted and bitter; and had probably been shattered and broken for many years. He had known a few Klingons, but they never responded this way. What troubled Chakotay most was never once had he known a woman to refuse clothing. Most could not get enough of showers and clothing. He didn't have abundant resources, but they had always accepted clothing. He did not want her to know that her behaviour deeply concerned him. "Why not?" was all his calm voice could ask.

"I don't have any," she feebly replied as she clutched the itchy, grey blanket around her still naked, but now much cleaner body.

"I had them give you some," Chakotay said, still not looking at her. Both knew it was an excuse, knew there was more to it than that, but for now he wouldn't push it, he wouldn't push her, for now at least he would play it cool with her.

"You gave me a Maquis uniform," she hissed angrily, "Her Maquis uniform!"

"So it's the uniform you don't like?" Chakotay stood and looked at her, he supposed it made sense, a girl who, for whatever reason, hated the Maquis might not actually want to wear a Maquis uniform. Chakotay's eyes closed in a silent prayer; he had one other option to offer this woman. He wasn't sure he wanted to give it up, but if it saved this woman from the demons around her he would. Slowly he opened his eyes and told her, "Look I told you, it's not a fancy ship, but I do have one dress, a cotton dress, not a Maquis uniform, would you consider wearing it?"

"No!" she once again yelled in fury at him.

That rattled Chakotay, though he would never tell her. He had just offered her the last of what he had of his beloved sister; her dress and this woman had turned it down with no explanation or reason. "That's it? No?" He was feeling frustrated and his voice was beginning to show the cracks in patience.

"I don't deserve clothing," she offered, turning from in shame, as if trying to hide from his dark eyes as they fell upon her.

Chakotay's heart nearly stopped in his throat. He hoped he had heard wrong, hoped he had miss understood, but something in him knew he hadn't. "Pardon?" he managed to choke through his welling tears for the broken woman before him.

"I could be good to you," she said as she turned back to him; her facial features set and sure. She had made a quick decision. Her declaration surprised Chakotay slightly, but when she once more dropped the blanket and advanced towards him seductively he was frozen momentarily. His eyes involuntarily dropped down over her breast, he sure as hell wished he hadn't looked as she then reached out and gripped his hand in hers and thrust his hand onto her breast as she said in her most determined and sultry voice, "I could replace what's her name…Cassie!"

"Nobody is replacing Cassie," he said as he tried to pull away, but she still clasped his hand over the soft mound as he demanded clearly, "what did you say?"

"Nothing," she shuddered ashamed that he had once again turned her down and refused her. She really wasn't worth anything anymore. She had never let a man touch her, something many had wanted to do; Klingons had a certain reputation, but with this man, she guessed after already seeing her and what had happened to her, that she was no longer worth anything in his eyes.

"You don't deserve clothes?" he calmly stated; repeating her words back to her as he watched the shame fly across her face. "Let me get this, you don't deserve clothing, you don't deserve medical treatment, you don't deserve to live?" Her eyes shot open; shocked he would say such things, but he was only saying what she had said. These were certainly not his own feelings; hearing her say them broke his heart. "What exactly do you deserve?" He asked holding her eyes; forcing her to face what she had said. B'Elanna didn't miss the force in his words.

Silence lingered between them as both looked angry, their breathing heavy when she finally uttered one word, "nothing." It was shattering, it was only a whisper, but it was real for B'Elanna and it broke his heart to hear her say it.

Chakotay regarded her for a second, then as though something clicked in him he realised she wasn't going to respond to calm and collected. He had to make her see another way and he would, even if it nearly destroyed him. Right then he didn't care if she never trusted him again, as long as she trusted herself and found self-worth. There was no future for her if she did not snap into believing she was worth something. Whether or not she joined his group was up to her, but if she was unable or unwilling to find some worth, she wouldn't survive on her own. He couldn't leave her that way. "Ok fine," he growled in a very different tone to what B'Elanna had become accustomed. It sent fear into her as she stumbled backwards, "then you will have nothing" he hissed as he stepped toward her. Before B'Elanna realised what was happening he took the dirty grey blanket from the floor and didn't hand it to her. Her eyes were wide with shock and fear.

Fear washed over B'Elanna as she stood before this dark skinned man, "Wh…What?!" she gasped stumbling backwards as he fished in his leather pocket for something.

As he pulled out a tattered, blood stained rag he asked, "in fact I like this, don't you?" B'Elanna stood there stunned a few seconds before she realised what he was holding in front of her; she moved backwards, fear shattering her naked body.

"Please," she gulped loudly as he grabbed her wrist, pulling her to him as he went to replace the gag in her mouth.

"Tell me what you are worth," he demanded as he thrust the filthy gag in her mouth, but did not tie it in place. He simply held it to her with enough slack that she could still talk. To her credit she did think enough of herself to weakly try to wrench herself from his strong grip; but he wouldn't let her go; not when they had come this far.

"I am worth nothing," she whimpered as tears fell from her eyes for the first time that day. Though Chakotay hated what he was doing, he could see it was working; he would break this Klingon to save her, even if it destroyed her trust in him.

"Do you really believe that?" he hissed in her ear as he still held her.

"I can never be worth anything again," she shuddered in his grip. Though he held naked and almost gaged in his hands, he would never violate her; never touch her or look at her inappropriately. He made sure she noticed that; which helped her feel she could trust him for some odd reason.

"If this was any Starfleet ship under the protection of the Federation, you would have a counsellor right now," he admitted sadly. She seemed to have given up her physical battle against him, "but it's not, we are not, and you don't." He pretended to tighten the gag as her eyes darted around to see him. Chakotay said, "you do have me and I'll be damned if you rot in your own personal hell."

"P'Tack!" she shouted trying to get her naked body from him.

He quickly tied the gag tight, so she couldn't talk and pushed her into the chair before him. "Now, I am only saying this once," he told her with a deep tone in his still gentle voice, "we are not a passenger ship, at the next M Class Planet we reach, we will leave you with some basic supplies, a weapon and some clothing. It's up to you what you do with them. I will contact the Federation with your location, or you can serve on this ship as one of my crew. I am sure you many skills we could use, but the choice remains yours." Her eyes widened as she looked at him fully aware he would do it. The honesty flowed from his words and she believed him; believed most things this man said. His abrupt change of behaviour had startled and frightened her initially, but she still knew she was relatively safe with him. "In the meantime, while you make up your mind anything else you need; food, drink, clothes, this damn blanket, the use of a toilet, sleeping quarters, _anything_ you want; you have to ask me for it." She shifted her body to look at him "I am a reasonable man, if you ask, I will give it to you, and you have my word; which you are just going to have to trust."

As he said those words she reached up to remove the gag from her mouth. He hadn't actually restrained her of stopped her from doing so when he thrust her into the chair. She threw the bloody cloth at him and spat, "let me get this straight, you won't give me anything unless I ask and if I do, you'll give you whatever I ask for?"

"If it's in my power to do so, yes," he nodded. Meeting her eyes he continued, "on one condition-"

"You want me to beg?" she interrupted him.

"No," he smiled warmly "I am not crude; I want you to ask me for it and tell me with that full Klingon conviction and gusto of yours that you 'deserve' it."

(+)(+)(+)

_"You..." Kathryn's eyes were wide and furious as she gaped at her husband as she struggled to free herself from his embrace. He went to pull her back to his chest, but she pulled away with such force, "get off me," she screamed pulling right from him as her breathing quickened. She pulled the blanket around her small form tightly, as she stood before him. He looked at her and saw so much resemblance in that frightened Klingon all those years ago in the way Kathryn gathered the blanket around herself now. She was in full panic mode and it frightened him._

_"Kathryn, please," he looked at her as tears filled his dark eyes. He tried to take her trembling hands in his own. He wanted to offer her comfort._

_"No!" she shouted her voice cracking as she backed away from him. "How?" tears streamed down her face, her distress almost uncontrollable, "why?" She was coughing almost like she couldn't breathe, "oh god!"_

_"Kathryn!" He stood to gather his frantic wife in his arms; her distress so profound it broke his heart. He glanced at B'Elanna to see worry etched across her face._

_"You made her beg for clothes?" Kathryn managed to get out among the shuddering, uncontrollable tears that fell freely on the blanket she continued to clutch to her body; "to use the toilet!" She looked at him with such distress and fear that his heart nearly skipped a beat._

_"No, not beg," he insisted softly as he let his tears and worry openly show on his face. He normally wasn't this open, but he normally wasn't fighting for the woman he loved most to understand something he had to do years before; something he was forced to do to save her life. It tore his heart. "Kathryn, please," running one hand through his dark hair he stepped towards her._

"_Please Chakotay just go." Her voice whispered softly and cracked. Her body trembled as she tried to fight with herself to stay composed, to stay strong._

_Chakotay stared at her, she had feared his gentle touch; stiffened under his fingers, but deep down she had needed him, wanted him and loved him. He knew in her heart, where it mattered most she trusted him; that had been proven over and over through all the years. He had known and loved her; and he had loved her for a long time. Now here she was a wreck of a woman, she had turned from him in disgust and asked him to leave her because of something that she didn't understand from all those years ago. He wasn't sure he actually believed it. She had needed him and wanted him no matter how difficult or fearful she was, and now she was turning from him. His breathing was raw and rugged. If he was honest with himself, he was worried, Kathryn's behaviour scared him. This was Kathryn Janeway, the Kathryn Janeway who had faced so much. She had stared down the barrel of a phaser and a compression rifle more times than he could count and not fallen apart. This woman, who had seen and heard many deeply harrowing stories in life, had even lived through a twenty month living hell on Cardassia Prime; but she could not handle the demons she had and come out on the other side. She had led Voyager back to the Alpha Quadrant facing so many unspeakable challenges as she clawed her way home. A woman who had, with respect and dignity, given up the man she loved when she thought he had chosen another over her. This woman gave second chances to any wayward soul that found themselves in her care, and yet there before him, she stood with her back to him, trembling as she asked him to go. A blanket refusal to offer him, the man she loved, her husband, a second chance. _

_A refusal to see reason, a refusal to understand there had to be more than the words she was hearing. This refusal worried him deeper than he even wanted to consider; could she really mean she wanted him gone…over something all those years ago? Even considering everything that happened to B'Elanna, it was the three minutes he had replaced that gag that had broken her, and he didn't understand it. B'Elanna had stood before him many years before, and compared to what Kathryn had endured, it seemed strange that this was what finally broke the strong woman that was his wife, his one love, and caused her to turn from him. _

_Chakotay wasn't going to back down quietly, he loved her too much; they had been through too much. They had a son; he couldn't let either of them go! When he had been faced with trying to help save B'Elanna, he had pushed she and himself far over the edge to win her back; to prove to her that she did matter; she mattered to him and she needed to start mattering to herself. He was going to do the same for Kathryn, he would see Kathryn stand tall and strong again, even if it killed him, even if he lost her, he would do it for the joy of seeing her beautiful, whole and secure once more to care for herself and her son. B'Elanna and Tom might just be witnessing the most desperate pleas he had ever made to her; something that he would hope to do in private, but he was not going to lose his wife…not without trying; he had NOTHING to lose by trying. All that mattered to him were his wife and son. "Yes," he said calmly, "Yes, I gaged B'Elanna as she sat before me naked." At his words Kathryn nearly fell to the floor, but Chakotay's strong arms were there to catch her. As he held her steadily in his arms, he let out a low growl in her ear, "and I hated every second of it." He was not happy to do this, but he was not going to lie; it was going to be out there; never to bite any of them again._

_At his last words she froze, none of this made sense; she couldn't understand it. She had always thought gagging and degrading a naked woman was supposed to be pleasurable to the man; at least that was what Jack had constantly drum into her while she had lived under his roof. With Chakotay's strong arms still wrapped around her, she forced herself from his grip with all the strength she could muster, how dare he touch her now. "Get out!" It was a raged and rugged plea, but its severity was lost on nobody in that room. She slammed both her fists into him over and over for several minutes; pelting his chest with all her might and screaming until he backed off towards to door. Tom had started to intervene when Chakotay's sharp look warned him off. Kathryn was reacting…not Captain or Admiral Janeway, KATHRYN. It was hard, and she wasn't saying what they wanted to hear, but she was reacting. They had broken her; they just hadn't thought it to go this way. Tom wondered if the scene happening before him mirrored that of Chakotay and his own wife all those years ago as Chakotay had struggled with her; struggled to get her to see that she did matter. He shuddered to think of where or what his life would be like if Chakotay had not seen to save her. He would do what he could to help Chakotay save his own wife._

_"Kathryn," Chakotay tried to whisper, "My Love," hoping a softer voice would calm her down, but it didn't. She raged; no one understood it. _

_As he uttered those words her heart shuddered and she turned fell against Tom's chest, weeping with loud sobs into the younger man's shoulder. Tom didn't know what to do. With a glance at Chakotay, he cautiously and timidly wrapped his arms around her and held her while she cried; nearly falling to the floor after her surge of energy and the fierceness of her crying. Kathryn let out all she had ever held tightly packed away, in the safety of the waiting arms of her friend and brother._

_B'Elanna took in the events before her, she had not been happy when Chakotay gagged her, but those few minutes had been the turning point and it had happened quickly. She needed Kathryn to see that, and it needed to come soon. "Kathryn, Kathryn, look at me," B'Elanna said as she gently took her friends face in her hands; making Kathryn's tearful eyes meet hers, "Chakotay saved my life doing what he did."_

_"I…I don't understand how," Kathryn shuddered as her tears fell anew._

_"Kathryn," Chakotay cautiously said, "Darling?" She still wouldn't look at her husband. "My Love, I love you. I would never hurt you." Kathryn looked up from the floor to Chakotay and then suddenly to B'Elanna, "I didn't hurt B'Elanna either," he insisted. B'Elanna nodded in agreement, "You have to believe that." Kathryn only turned back to Tom and wept into him once again, while he tried to hold her against the storm that engulfed her._

_Chakotay didn't know what else to do. He reached to help comfort her, as he placed a gentle hand on her should, but it was not what she wanted. She whirled around on him with her eyes blazing; a cold look in her eyes as she faced him._

"_You GAGED HER NAKED," Kathryn screamed. "I know how it feels to be gagged and naked before men while they jeer at you," she turned to her husband disgusted and broken. "I know what it is to be degraded, used, broken, and unable to talk because the gag cuts you. When you try to move your mouth, you choke, you can't scream, people staring at you; men taking everything you have. I know Chakotay!" her voice was bitter, deep, rugged, and laced with a raging fury. Her eyes grey and full of searing anger as she stood trembling before him, "I know Chakotay, I know men like you, take what you want. You take a girl's innocence and when she prays for death to end the terror, you force her to survive just so she can entertain you and your friends…no choices; just there to learn to please them. You brand them a spy when they try to join your cell, but not before you ask them to prove their loyalty by coming to your bed; and then you leave me on an M Class planet with no way to defend myself; then you take advantage of a tired and devastated woman, and then leave the girl pregnant." Chakotay stared at her hurt at her accusing words; words that labelled him as something he wasn't, accused him of things he didn't do, to her or anyone else. Slowly realisation dawned across his face and a sickening anger filled his gut, then Kathryn issued the final blow, "I know where I've been Chakotay, I can't say the same for you." The room hung in an icy silence, only the sound of her sobs could be heard as she turned from him. _

_Chakotay didn't know what to say. His hands fell into involuntary fists as he forced down the rage inside that almost blinded him. As he managed to train his voice to stay soft, he took a deep breath before saying, "Kathryn, are you saying Jack…" but Chakotay found himself unable to finished his sentence. He felt sick, that man had done so much to that woman. He wondered just when Jack Lang had gotten his hook into…he also knew it was because he had been with Seven. For that he felt guilt, but Jack Lang would regret the day he laid a finger on his beloved wife. He had isolated her, degraded her, beat her, turned his back on a beautiful son, and called her a whore in front of Chakotay, taken her son, and on her birthday had told everyone who she cared about that Chakotay was not the biological father of their son and that she was throwing herself at her husband's brother in law. Jack was skilled, he had managed on more than one occasion to get had gotten him to believe things about his beloved; now it made so much sense…This man was going to be history._

"_So what now?" her grey eyes flashed with anger, "Now you know my dirty little secrets, all of you!" She whirled around to face B'Elanna, "I sold my body to any man that paid a price." At this Tom and B'Elanna exchanged a glance but said nothing. "I was a whore; plain and simple," she finished. _

_Chakotay's stomach hurt as his heart fell when he heard her words. This is what she thought of herself? He looked at her with such love, she was no whore; yes, she had used her femininity to get what she needed over the years, nobody in that room downstairs would call her a whore. She was the only one who believed that. It was a trigger for her; and Jack had figured that out quickly; and used it every chance he got with Chakotay. Chakotay wondered how much he had told Kathryn that. Chakotay needed to convincer that that she was not what she believed, but right now, he couldn't convince her, she wouldn't listen to him, not now. _

"_Do you all want to know the funny part?" Kathryn laughed, but nobody else did, it was a broken cruel laugh, "I wanted it." Everyone stared at her, "Jack made sure of that. He had me on the floor on my hands and knees; naked and begging him to gag me."_

"_Oh, My Love," Chakotay pulled her into his arms and whispered into her hair, "you were a broken woman; you never could have resisted a cunning man" his heart burned as she shuddered into him letting him hold and comfort her. No one moved, no one said anything; everyone was too afraid to shatter the calm and make it worse. Chakotay stood muttering prayers for his beautiful wife in his native tongue; he simply didn't know what else to do. _

_Suddenly something in Kathryn changed and Chakotay looked into her deep burning blue eyes. Something in the way Kathryn looked at Chakotay alerted him. She was going to bury herself again; he couldn't let her. If not for them, than for Caleb, but she couldn't be allowed to drown. He knew what she needed, and right now, it wasn't him. His heart hurt, and with a thick lump in his throat he relinquished her to Tom and with a pat on the shoulder said, "Look after her," as he quietly unbolted the door._

_"Where the hell are you going?" B'Elanna demanded firmly as she rested a hand on Kathryn's shuddering back, where Tom had taken over holding her securely. Chakotay had not left her all those years ago, why was he leaving the woman she knew he loved more than his own life right now. B'Elanna didn't understand it and he was going to hear about it._

_With his heart heavy and tears streaming down his face he said, "I gave you what you wanted that day in my quarters on the Val Jean, and today I'm giving her what she wants now." Chakotay looked again at his precious wife and knew he had to do this; for her, for Caleb, for all of them._

_B'Elanna began to protest, "Chakotay..." but her voice trailed off, she too saw he had to do this, but she feared she couldn't do what he was asking of her. She had never spoken to anyone like this; as a survivor. Kathryn was the only woman she had ever told since she was on the Val Jean. The last person she had told the gruesome tale to, now held the woman she wanted to make whole. This was the same woman who had given her all the opportunities to excel and make something beautiful of her life. Chakotay had given her the chance to have a life; one where she could make a contribution to something. Kathryn had given her the chance to do something with that life; she had a career, respect of her peers, a loving husband, and a feisty daughter. There wasn't anything she thought she wouldn't do for this woman…but she was scared to the core._

_That fear must have shown in her face, because Chakotay took her aside and drew her into a fiercely loving hug, something she rarely let him do, but right now she really needed it. He whispered in her ear, "Tamar, you can do for her what Ann did for you." Tamar, the name he had offered her, the name he used only to express his deepest love for her as his sister; at times B'Elanna even wondered if he regarded her as a daughter._

_"Don't leave her," B'Elanna quietly begged as she let her tears fall as she turned toward her husband cradling the distraught woman; the woman she loved so much, she had never seen her so broken and distraught._

_Chakotay took the tips of his fingers and made her look at him as he told her, "I will never leave her, but for now, I'm going to check on my son and find some food for her." Kissing her cheek lightly, he added, "I know you can do this B'Elanna; I have faith in you and Tom." _

_B'Elanna suddenly felt resigned to do what he had just asked of her, as Susan Nicoletti had for her, with a tearful nod the half Klingon looked her old friend and said "Don't do anything stupid, anything rash" Though B'Elanna too was raging and knew her words where hypocritical coming from her. With that Chakotay silently left the room without his wife noticing._

_B'Elanna felt helpless, almost as helpless as her charge encased in her husband's arms. With her heart pounding hard in her chest, she took a step forward and took Kathryn's hand. Kathryn almost jumped as she looked up at B'Elanna with all of her remaining might and begged, "Tell me B'Elanna; make me understand. I love that man, but …what he did..." Seeing the chance to try and start reasoning with Kathryn, B'Elanna nodded in agreement. She would try her best; she had to help this woman. "Why did he do that to you?" Kathryn implored, "Why, why he did he gag you?" _

_"He gave me what I asked for," B'Elanna said softly as he gathered all her courage in; her own mind racing back to that day and the feelings she had long since abandoned. Even in her darkest moments on Voyager she had not felt so low. Her eyes never faltered as she drew on all her strength to continue, "I was angry, so very angry, and so bitter. Nothing in my life had worked out. I thought I knew everything, and nothing was working. I had flunked out of Starfleet Academy, and then gotten myself captured by Cardassians; talking such trash about people I did not know and a cause I could not even begin to understand. Those guards were going to take me down a peg; I thought they were just going to kill me. I wasn't really afraid of that. I was too naïve, and Chakotay and Mike saw everything, but Chakotay was the one I saw. They probably would have killed me that day if Chakotay had not taken compassion and taken me with them right then and there; even though it cost Cassie's life. Deep down I wanted to live, but I didn't know how with all the stuff that had happened to me and he couldn't find a way to get me to care about myself."_

_"Didn't he scare you further?" Kathryn asked feeling strong enough to pull from Tom's embrace. She was engaging and that made B'Elanna feel a bit braver._

_"Yes, yes it did," B'Elanna admitted as the two women sat beside each other on the bed, "and it terrified him in the process." Kathryn didn't say a word; she just looked downcast, playing with the tread of the blanket she had encased around her lonely body. "His girlfriend had just died hours before, a woman who I could see he loved; a woman who died because of me," B'Elanna ploughed on with her explanation, "I was refusing any good he offered me. He threw everything back at me to get a reaction."_

_"I don't understand where keeping you naked in front of everyone and gagging you…," was all Kathryn could say through her choked tears._

_"Kathryn, she's a Klingon," Tom said trying to help his trembling wife explain, "and a feisty one at that. She had REFUSED clothes. It would have been worse for him to have forced clothes on her; you know our B'Elanna, she would have ripped them off."_

_Kathryn stared at them with a blank look, so B'Elanna offered some help, thankful that her husband was with her, "What do Klingons do when their honour has been taken?"_

_"Fight for it," Kathryn said very sure of her answer. Everyone knew a typical Klingon response; one B'Elanna often demonstrated the major traits of very well._

_"Who did I have to fight?" asked B'Elanna. At this question, Kathryn was stumped, and then she found the courage to ask, "Chakotay?" Things were slowly beginning to fit, and she was calming down. _

_"Only he wouldn't fight me," nodded B'Elanna, hoping that the clarity she saw beginning to creep across Kathryn's face was real, "so I could only fight myself; my new worst enemy."_

"_You must be as disgusted with me as Chakotay is," Kathryn whimpered at the thought. _

"_No, Kahless knows I am damn angry with Cardassian brutes, dishonourable Maquis Cell Leaders, and the likes of Jack Lang!" B'Elanna spat as she paced around the room full of the fury those invoked in her; a fury she was keeping in tight check. "You, I am so proud of you!" she added turning back to the woman she cared so greatly for._

_Kathryn's breath caught in her throat "proud of me?" she shuddered and ask._

"_Yes, Kathryn Janeway, proud of you. You have to believe me, Chakotay didn't gag me to be malicious Kathryn, he gaged me to help me; to save me." When B'Elanna saw her friend wasn't taking it in; she sighed and told her, "I thought I deserved it, I thought that's all I was worth, all the good I was to anyone. I thought it was all I could ever be, the whore those brutes had made of me," then she paused slightly before adding, "I thought I owed him something for the death of Cassie, but he wouldn't take my body, he wouldn't even touch or look at my body, and he very well could have. It was just the two of us, I was not on display. He had asked for my privacy; not his. He knew what Ann, Cassie, and the other women had gone through and he wasn't going to publicize that about me." _

_Kathryn stared at her young friend willing herself to understand what she was saying, slowly somehow the realisation began to sink in. When she saw the slightest spark B'Elanna pressed on "Chakotay gave me everything, but I wouldn't accept it, so he took everything from me. He took it to force me to fight, to fight for myself." Kathryn watched as Tom wrapped his arm around his wife in the most tender and loving of ways, and for a second Kathryn missed Chakotay's closeness, regret of sending him away rapidly filling her. _

_Still filled with turmoil of emotions, Kathryn forced herself to try to hear and understand B'Elanna's words. "Chakotay made me realise what I was worth by forcing me to fight; I needed that; it saved my life, it saved ME," B'Elanna said very slowly, careful to speak clearly; she didn't want Kathryn not to 'hear' her. Kathryn watched her as B'Elanna snorted, "he hated himself for it, and carried the guilt for a long time; I know, but its end result was me yelling at him that I was worth food, I deserved to live, I deserved clothes, and I deserved a chance. The most heart wrenching fight anyone has ever been prepared to fight with me; he loved me more than anyone had ever dared to do at that point." The emotion was so much; Kathryn looked into the eyes of the woman before her, the woman who her husband had saved from the Cardassians and from her own self. She had known B'Elanna long enough, and through enough stuff to see with how much conviction she believed what she was saying. She was not one to coddle the emotional needs of others; not because she didn't care, but because it was stood in a sharp contrast to her normal Klingon traits. This was coming from deep within her, something that even in her deeply broken and emotional state Kathryn had seen. B'Elanna was fighting for her; willing her to fight for herself by seeing and hearing clearly. _

_Kathryn's heart suddenly filled with the beautiful love she held for the man she married; it w as like the beauty of what Chakotay gave B'Elanna that day. It was filled with the knowledge and honesty of B'Elanna's words and the emotion that had come with them. Kathryn no longer saw a controlling dictator in her husband; in what she thought he had done. She saw a steady, loving man who had given all he had to offer to a young and frighten girl all those years ago; even when it cost him the life of the woman he loved. No one had done that for her, but now, now she had a husband who was trying to do that; the same man she had pushed away so many times."_

_Kathryn wiped the tears from her face as she whispered, "Did you hate him?"_

_"Yes, he was a P'Tack!" growled the Klingon with a very undignified sound; which made Kathryn snort._

_Looking around the room Kathryn saw that her husband was not there. "He's gone, I drove him away," Kathryn sighed as she let out a deflated whimper, heavily ashamed of her words and actions towards him that night._

_B'Elanna drew Kathryn into a hug and spoke with conviction, "He's made that tougher stuff than that, he'll be ok, he's just gone to check on Caleb and find you some food. He will be back; he assured me."_

_"He must hate me," Kathryn began ringing her hands together again as she stared out the window to see the now black, rain filled sky._

_"Do you love him?" Tom interrupted._

_Kathryn turned to him and without hesitation said, "Yes, with all my heart!"_

_Tom smiled, ran to her, picked her up, and kissed both her cheeks before she could protest. "I'm going to go down there and get him, and you're going to say that to him when he comes!" Tom exclaimed with a beaming smile._

_Kathryn regarded him for a second as his words and all the activities of the night swirled in her head. It was several minutes before she shook her head firmly and said, "No, not this time Tom."_

_Both B'Elanna and Tom opened their mouths in protest, fearing that she was again going to panic, but also that Admiral Janeway was back. She was collected, but there was something different; she shook her head firmly; holding it high, and said, "No, I have made up my mind, I won't have him coming after me; not this time." With those words she ran her trembling hands through her hair and moved towards to door, "this time I go after him!" She was out the door and down the stairs closely followed by B'Elanna and Tom who clearly knew this was Kathryn not admiral Janeway._


	82. Chapter 82

_Kathryn stopped short of the main bar; just inside to door way to the dimly lit room. Her heart almost skipped a beat as her shining blue eyes fell on him. It has been a long time since she had noticed how fiercely dark he was. The absence of his Starfleet uniform made him look even manlier than she had noticed in many years. This was the man she had spent some of her off time on Voyager with and had certainly dreamed about many times. Her breath was taken away and her pulse sped up a good bit as she continued to admire him. The sleeves of his shirt rolled up just above the elbows to reveal muscular bronze forearms; his hair once jet black and sleek was sprinkled with a hint of grey and found its way flopped over his forehead till the tips rested over the deep, rich dark lines of the tribal tattoo above his left eyebrow. His eyes, a darkened shade of soulful brown, held the eyes of the man he was talking to so seriously. His attention was unwavering; he was always attentive to the person he was in conversation with, but always fully aware of everything going on around him. His time in both the Maquis and on Voyager had honed this skill into a fine art. He was acutely aware of her. _

_Kathryn folded her arms as her heart beat fast watching him; it was beating so fast that she was sure she would explode. She could also feel her cheeks redden as she flushed from the excitement of watching him. Chakotay and Mike stood closely huddled as they intently listened to what Tuvok was saying. Kathryn watched and waited. She knew her husband, he knew she was there, the slightly deeper breathing, the shifting his weight from one leg to the next, the slight tug on his left ear told her he knew she was watching him; he just wasn't letting on. She knew that he was giving her the space to make the first move. Kathryn relaxed at the sight of him deep in conversation with the two men, her close friend and confident and Chakotay's too. She looked at Mike, she had known of his closeness to Chakotay and his loyalty; she had often wondered if he only served her because Chakotay did. In the Delta quadrant she often wondered if Chakotay had stopped being loyal to her if Mike would have followed; she still suspected his loyalty lied solely with Chakotay, but it didn't bother her, not any more. She told herself she really must make more of an effort to really get to know her former crew, especially the former maquis whom she had often kept at a distance; they were now the Voyager family. She needed to just be "Kathryn" with them, but she wasn't all that practiced at being just "Kathryn" with Chakotay, so she was nervous about how it would go; she was so used to relating to them from a command stance. Maybe Mike was a good place to start, Kathryn mused as her eyes turned back to Chakotay. He kept his eyes firmly trained on Tuvok who appeared to be telling him something with his usual dead pan tone. Kathryn had to smile as she leaned her right arm and shoulder on the old wooden door frame as she folded her arms just below her breasts, crossed one leg lightly over the other and let her mouth fall into a crooked smile and just took the time to watch the scene before her. Kathryn had a few more seconds of being able to watch her husband silently before Tom and B'Elanna arrived at the door behind her. The room was instantly alerted to their presence when young Miral Paris saw her parents and ran towards them to proudly show off her new drawing. She especially excited to show her Aunt Kathryn, who dutifully bent down to admire the child's artistic creation, fully aware that all eyes, including those of her husband, were now on her._

_"Admiral!" Mike smiled at her as he began to walk towards her crouching down before the young child, "Is there something I can get you? Some food? A drink?"_

_Chakotay stood back fighting the urge to be at her side. She needed to eat, but he knew this was her moment; she needed to make the first move; she would come to him when she was ready. A quick glance at Tom and B'Elanna told him she was ok; his wife understood, in her own time and in her way, she would come to him. Slowly he watched as his wife, not Admiral Janeway, broke into a crooked smile and slowly placed her tiny hand on Mikes chest saying, "you know, it occurs to me were not exactly in a command structure any more, you're not even Starfleet, perhaps you should call me Kathryn." Mikes dark eyes fell on her, silence lingered between them, and suddenly Kathryn found herself regretting her words. Pulling her hand from the tall man's chest she tried to recover her composure and quickly asked, "Sam? Is Sam around?" _

_"Mike softly, but quickly reached out to take her receding hand and gently kissed her knuckles saying, "That would be my honour, Kathryn." Chakotay watched his friend as a dimpled smile spread across his face; somehow he knew she was going to be ok; that they were going to be ok._

_Kathryn's face lit up as she released a small breathe she didn't realize she was holding as Mike smiled warmly at her. She then asked again, "Mike have you seen Sam?_

_Mike regarded her for a second before saying, "She's gone home, as most people have. Naomi was tried." At Kathryn's wide horrified eyes, Mike quickly added, "She said she'd be back in the morning; just like most of the others. We wanted to give you the space you needed."_

_Kathryn was unable to process the Asian man's words. Shaking her head, she grabbed Mike's shoulders and desperately exclaimed, "But…but Mike, my son, Caleb?"_

_Mike glanced behind himself towards Chakotay, expecting him to jump in, but his native American friend was staying well back, arms folded leaning against the wall as a half grin appeared on his face as he looked at his wife. Kathryn still hadn't noticed so Mike answered her question quickly as he felt her panic beginning to rise sharply, "He's ok Admir..Kathryn, I promised Chakotay I would not to let him out of my sight, and that I haven't," he reassured her as he gestured for her to turn around._

_As Kathryn turned she saw her mother sitting side by side with a young woman she had known nearly ten years, but never really knew. Her long sleek black hair was gathered in a ponytail hanging over her shoulder and her skin was soft and pale with a true beaming smile which lit up her shining green eyes. Susan Nicoletti looked so free and gentle as she looked down at the baby in her arms that she was feeding a bottle of milk as his Grandmother watched adoringly. Kathryn smiled and instantly relaxed as she watched both her mother and Susan cooing over her son. As Kathryn watched the young dark haired woman with Caleb gathered in her arms Kathryn smiled warmly, she thought of all she had just learnt of this woman and what she must have gone through as a Maquis and yet Kathryn never knew. Briefly she wondered how the last ten years of her life would have been if she had confided in any of them while on Voyager. Even in the short time that had passed since she learned of B'Elanna's story, she felt almost freer. She felt that she had a real chance of having a friend in the young woman, and now she sat wondering if there was a deeper relationship possible with the young woman cradling her son._

_"Thanks Mike," Kathryn said as she visibly relaxed while keeping her eyes fixed on the two women with Caleb. She then asked the dark man just behind her, "Most people have gone home you say? What must they think of me?" The flood of events was swirling in her mind. The crew all heard Jack and she and Chakotay had left just afterwards; and he was visibly upset. Her face was beginning to flush with embarrassment._

_Mike, without hesitation, gently turned her to face him as he urgently whispered, "There is not a member of Voyager's crew who does not respect and admire you. You will always be our brave and steady Captain; no matter what rank you hold." Taking a momentary pause, he watched her deep eyes before he added with a quiet smile across his face, "and their friend."_

_Kathryn blushed and smiled a half crooked smile before she placed her hand on his shoulder and whispered, "I'm only half the woman I pretended to be."_

_"I know," was all Mike offered in reply. At her horrified and confused facial response he laughed slightly and said, "With all due respect ma'am, Chakotay is a very dear and long standing friend of mine. On the Val Jean I was one of the only people who didn't turn to Chakotay for support and guidance. I suppose it was the other way round; if not a mutual need with us; a friendship which we were both happy to continue on Voyager. Chakotay turned to me to vent some of his most personal frustrations." At this Kathryn raised an eyebrow and Mike added, "Ma'am," for good measure._

_"Personal frustrations eh?" she laughed quietly. "I thank you for helping Chakotay in dealing with my stubborn nature." When Mike opened his mouth in Chakotay's defence, she raised her hand for him to stop saying, "it's all right Mike, I know what I'm like; perhaps you might wish to consider continuing as my husband's trusted confident now he's actually married me," finished Kathryn as she gave him a sly smirk._

_Mike snorted in response and winked at her saying, "I like you; you are just how Chakotay described. Most of us don't know your personal nature, because we were only allowed to see the Captain."_

_Kathryn smiled a warm smile and said softly, "A definite error on my part, but I assure you there is a woman behind the pips." _

_Mike burst out laughing, but when Kathryn looked hurt, he stopped and continued, "That's just what Chakotay said for Seven years, almost word for word."_

_Understanding his meaning, Kathryn broke into a crooked smile and patted him on the shoulder as she said, "Well this woman is as hungry as her son. Any food left at this birthday party of mine?"_

_Mike watched her, mesmerized by those shining blue eyes. His former commander looked rough, real rough like she had been crying continually since Jack had appeared, but she still looked radiant. "Right over there," he smiled as he pointed her in the direction of the food trays. Placing a protective hand on the small of his best friend's wife's back, he guided her to the food. Chakotay looked on and smiled. She hadn't looked at him yet, but she knew he was there. Chakotay knew when she was ready she would come to him; for now he would let her rest in the care of her friends. She needed to eat and she was pleased to see her choosing what she liked. Mike had handed her a plate on which she began piling lots of food from the buffet table. Chakotay smirked to himself, eating lots of food, or even wanting to, was a good sign that she was indeed feeling better than she had most of the evening. Taking a spoon full of pasta she smiled as he discreetly watched her; she was beautiful._

_"You don't have to watch me eat," she told Mike softly. Then, suddenly realising it sounded like she had just dismissed the poor man, she looked into his dark eyes, with the thoughts of who this man was to her husband; what he had shared with him and she was concerned. Smiling softly at the Asian man she knew he would understand as she whispered, "I am okay Mike. I'm going to go to him in a minute; at the very least I owe him an apology."  
><em> 

_Mike watched her for a second and glanced back at the man in question, seeing he was now deep in conversation with Tuvok. Looking back at Kathryn, he was about to tell her when she raised an eyebrow and added, "When he's finished with Tuvok, besides I need a minute to myself."  
><em> 

_Mike nodded his understanding to her and left to strike up a conversation with Marla Gilmore who stood nearby. On the way over he was more than a bit stunned; Kathryn had stood with her back to Chakotay the whole time, and yet she knew exactly what he was doing.  
><em> 

_Kathryn was glad no one approached her in those few moments. It gave her space to collect her thoughts and the chance to hear what Tuvok and Chakotay were discussing. She knew they didn't think she could hear them, and what she heard she did not like. She continued eating from her plate, but she wasn't very happy about what she had just overheard._

_"Enjoying the view?" Kathryn said casually as she stood with her back to her husband. She still had her plate in her hand having been fully aware he had been staring at her since Tuvok left him ten minutes prior. She had strategically made her way closer to them, without making it obvious she was listening; she hadn't even been looking at them._

_Chakotay, who was always astounded at how she managed it, was taken aback by her addressing him, but managed to recover quickly as he offered a soft dimpled smile as he said casually, "Yes, Yes I am!" _

_She seemed to ignore his gesture to make me her feel at ease, as she busied herself with her food and plucked up the courage to ask seriously, "How are you?" as she kept her head down looking into her plate rather than turning to meet his gaze._

_Chakotay looked at her as she stood in front of him, still with her back to him swirling pasta around the plate with her fork. He knew she needed to feel reassured that he wasn't angry or hurt with her. He needed to offer it to her as much as she needed it from him. It had been a rough evening and he knew things were still very tender with her emotions. Leaning forward, he wrapped one arm securely around her waist from behind and with the other he ran his fingers in her long hair as he growled in her ear, "All the better for seeing my wife happily eating."_

_"Want some?" she smiled, her blue eyes remarkably bright as she twisted around in his grip so he could see her face. It was still evident she had been weeping, but she seemed much more relaxed than she had earlier._

_"No thanks," he smiled trying to twist his face away from the spoonful of pasta she was trying to feed him while he still held her._

_Kathryn Janeway was forceful in her teasing as she tried to feed her husband dangling the spoon in front of him as she would a child. Chakotay spent the next few seconds trying to avoid the advances of her pasta filled spoon when suddenly, without warning, his mouth captured the spoon like a lion pouncing. "It's good," he said after swallowing the mouthful and returning the spoon to her.  
><em> 

_"See," she beamed, pulling from his grip as she turned fully to face her husband._

_He gave her a full dimpled smile as he let both his hands rest on her tiny hips as his heart pounded with the anticipation of asking her the question foremost in his mind. When she didn't stiffen or pull away from his embrace, he asked, "How are you, My Love?" as he gazed into her beautiful eyes and gently stroking her waist.  
><em> 

_"Okay," she nodded slowly looking up at him, but not quite meeting his eyes. The way he slightly gripped her right hip tighter and ran his left hand softly through her hair moving it away from her eyes, told her he didn't believe her. With a small smile, she met his eyes and added, "Really!" At her words, he saw the troubled look in her sapphire eyes and he tried to reassure her with a smile as she began "Chakotay, I..."  
><em> 

_She was silenced as he gently placed his index finger on her small red lips and he whispered, "It's ok Kathryn."  
><em> 

_"No Chakotay, I want you to know I understand," she said as she met his eyes firmly and added, _

_"At least I think I understand why you did that to B'Elanna."  
><em> 

_His heart beat faster as she spoke. Unable to think of anything else to respond with, he held her eyes and nodded, "Thank you."  
><em> 

_"I can never fully understand why, I wasn't there, I didn't live through that, but I want you to know I am trying to understand." With those words her soft, gentle hand met his chest as she insisted firmly, "and my trust in you isn't broken; tilting her head she asked, "and I hope yours in me isn't?"_

_He looked at her silently for a long time as she held his seemingly emotionless gaze. Tears welled up in her eyes as she feared the worst. Then slowly, ever so slowly, he pulled her tighter into his embrace, planted a kiss on her head as she rested her cheek on his chest as he told her firmly, "My dearest Kathryn," tilting her head to make her look at him he continued, "you are beautiful and amazing, and my trust in you has not wavered."  
><em> 

_Unsure how to respond to his words, she just sank into his embrace. They stood there for several minutes as they clung to each other; enjoying the comfort after all of the storms of the evening. She was almost lost in the feelings, but still was bugged about what she had overheard earlier; she broke her comforting silence and said, "What were you and Tuvok talking about?"  
><em> 

_"Nothing really," he lied and she immediately knew.  
><em> 

_"They didn't make me an Admiral for nothing," she told him pulling away from their embrace and placing her hands on hips as she assumed her stance and added, "What have you got Seven doing?"  
><em> 

_He couldn't help but think she looked so attractive like that, and he had to gulp hard to keep focused. _

_"Seven?" he asked trying to play dumb.  
><em> 

_"I heard you Captain, so spill!" she demanded. It was as if the pips had magically appeared. Chakotay kept her gaze as he leaned over and picked up a handful of chips from her plate which she had placed on the table beside where she stood, "and get your own food!" she hissed, gently swatting his hand away in pretend annoyance.  
><em> 

_"Ok," he shrugged, grabbing her to him again as he began to softly nibble her ear lobe.  
><em> 

_Kathryn, though she liked the feelings his actions were evoking, was very aware that her mother and the last stragglers of their remaining crew were also in the room. She wanted more privacy for these things, so she hissed, "Get off," under her breath as she pushed him away with the palm of her hand.  
><em> 

_A sudden thud hit Chakotay's chest as he realised he had gone too far. "Sorry," he gasped instantly letting go and stepping back, dreading seeing that same fear on her face, but he was shocked to see her eyes were bright and open and she was smiling.  
><em> 

_"Not here Chakotay," she smiled warmly, "Please, I want that in private," she finished as she fought to control the blush that had started to flush her pale skin.  
><em> 

_"Ok," he agreed, resting back against the nearby wall as he folded his arms and smiled at her._

_Kathryn held his eyes for a long moment before she set her face and demanded, "So tell me about what Seven is doing?"  
><em> 

_Chakotay leaned in so his lips were centimetres from her ear as he told her in a soft whisper, "Perhaps you would rather have this conversation in a more private location."  
><em> 

_Kathryn was having none of it, "Chakotay, tell me!" She demanded in her best Admiral tone; her hands on hips, "What have you got Seven doing?"  
><em> 

_"Ok Kathryn, calm down," Chakotay begged as he stepped back. He and Tuvok had hoped to sit with her and discuss this when she was in a better frame of mind, but he was going to have to tell her now.  
><em> 

_"Chakotay!" she admonished; she was not happy with his reassuring gestures. She wanted answers to what she had overheard and she was going to keep going until she had them.  
><em> 

_Chakotay, who really hadn't thought she could have heard them, took a deep breath and said, "Tuvok knows everything."  
><em> 

_Kathryn stood wide eyed and stunned beyond belief at what she had just heard. She had not thought he would ever do this. What did he mean by "everything?" She tried to say something, but she was so stunned and horrified, but she could only stare at him. She hadn't told 'everything' to Tuvok; which made her think he had told him. Chakotay had broken her confidence and it hadn't even been 24 hours; her heart sank.  
><em> 

_"You and Tuvok have known each other a long time," Chakotay tried to reassure her; but he knew it was going down feebly.  
><em> 

_"Yes," came Kathryn's slow and unconvinced mono tone answer; she was still trying to comprehend his betrayal. She was drained by the day's events and it was just getting more horrifying.  
><em> 

_"I am sure you confided in him," Chakotay continued softly.  
><em> 

_"Yes," Kathryn admitted, "but not everything." The tears were threatening to fall from her soulful eyes.  
><em> 

_Kathryn continued to glare at her husband as dread seeped into her mind. She wondered if he really had dared to tell Tuvok everything. Chakotay tried to stay calm as he opened his mouth to explain but closed it again as the only one who really understood made his presence known, "Admiral, My friend," came the distinctive voice of the Vulcan.  
><em> 

_"Tuvok?" Kathryn exclaimed as she abruptly turned to face her long standing friend, a look of question written across her features.  
><em> 

_Luckily for all, the Vulcan wasted no time in explaining to a very drained and scared Kathryn, "The power of a mind meld is very strong; especially among individuals with close relationships. The meld we once shared was very strong given the circumstances that initiated the meld." _

_Kathryn racked her brains to remember the times in which she mind melded with her dear Vulcan friend. Slowly it dawned on her what was being said as she clarified slowly, "Was it the time you had flashbacks to your time serving under Captain Sulu?"  
><em> 

_"Yes," the stoic Vulcan nodded, "at that moment our entire minds melded, and I unintentionally experienced certain memories of your time captured by the Cardassians and some of the time afterwards." Tuvok had carefully worded his reply as to be telling her the truth, but not have her be suspicious of the extent of his concerns. She would stand for nothing less than the truth, but he wanted to spare her the whole suspicion at the moment. They needed to know more; he couldn't afford to be wrong.  
><em> 

_"You knew of that Tuvok," Kathryn reminded him stiffly; annoyed that he was acting like he hadn't known she was held captive until the meld.  
><em> 

_"I never knew to what extent you suffered," the Vulcan continued to inform her. "From the day of our meld, I have felt troubled over the experiences you suffered." _

_Kathryn merely stood and stared at him; what was there left to say? What could she say? She was feeling the dread of further humiliation begin to rise in her once more; it didn't matter that she was only before her long-time friend and her beloved husband._

_"I had buried this under extensive Vulcan mind control meditations and have kept my knowledge of it to myself until this evening. I have only discussed my knowledge of it with Captain Chakotay. I would never share this intimate knowledge with anyone else and only did so with Chakotay after being certain that you had already confided your captivity to him. I respect you Admiral; it is my honour to know you and call you my friend, your sense of character is almost Vulcan," As Tuvok continued she gave Chakotay a worried glance; if she hadn't been feeling confused Kathryn may had found the Vulcans words amusing.  
><em> 

_"I think he's trying to say you are strong," Chakotay offered, pulling Kathryn back into his embrace and planting a gentle kiss on her cheek.  
><em> 

_"Thanks," Kathryn whispered in her deep husky voice, "both of you." She began rubbing her forehead and asked once again, "What have you got Seven doing?" She was not going to let this go.  
><em> 

_"Investigating," the Vulcan offered._

_Kathryn looked from Tuvok, who was clearly going to say nothing else, to Chakotay, who stood a little too casually for Kathryn liking, as they watched her closely. With raised eyebrows she asked, "Dare I ask what she is investigating?"  
><em> 

_"Jack Lang," Tuvok told her stoically. Chakotay could have kicked the Vulcan, anyone could see it was going to turn Kathryn right off to drop it on her like that, but she had turned the tables on their plans from the first few minutes.  
><em> 

_"Kathryn," Chakotay jumped in softly, but she was already angry.  
><em> 

_"No!" she hissed, "I want nothing to do with him; nor do I want Seven, in her innocence, to be involved with him," Kathryn growled rubbing her forehead angrily._

_"Admiral, I have reason to believe Admiral Lang may have hidden motives for his involvement in your life." Kathryn looked stunned as she stared into the dark eyes of her old Vulcan friend.  
><em> 

_"Kathryn, if Tuvok is right, it's enough to stop Jack seeing or hurting you or Caleb ever again," Chakotay told her softly cupping her worried face in his hand.  
><em> 

_"And if he's wrong?" Kathryn asked in her best Admiral's voice. "Seven is playing with fire," she set her jaw and sent her famous death glare in full force, "I won't allow it!"  
><em> 

_Chakotay looked at her, his own mind set; "Seven offered, more like demanded to be involved," he told her stoically. "She knows the risks, but she will also do anything for you; anyone would. Besides, Tuvok is keeping a close eye on her. She will be reporting directly to him. Kathryn wanted to know exactly what she was looking for, but had a pretty good idea that neither Tuvok, nor her husband was going to be forthcoming with that information. It suddenly dawned on her that they might have informed Seven about her past. She tensed and her anger began to rise once again. _

_Sensing her renewed panic, Chakotay supplied the answers that were running through her head. "No, she does not know anything past that fact that Tuvok did not like what Jack Lang said about you tonight, and the fact that Jack had beaten you the night Seven had asked to talk to you." Kathryn was surprised, and her blue eyes showed it as she stared at her determined husband, "Right now Kathryn, you are exhausted mentally and emotionally; not to mention worked up." The strong willed Admiral opened her mouth to protest her husband's words, but when her sapphire eyes met his and she saw the love in his eyes, she found her stiff resolve softening.  
><em> 

_"I suppose I could do with a bit of sleep," she sighed. "Don't think this is over though!" she said as she wagged her finger at the two men in front of her._

_Chakotay smiled and told her, "We can discuss it calmly when we all have a much clearer head in the morning."  
><em> 

_Kathryn knew he was right, she really was tired and well past exhaustion. She wondered how she was still functioning after all of the turmoil she had endured that day, but she knew that once she relaxed that she would sleep deeply; she just hoped that the events of the day would not visit her dreams. Nodding, she turned to Tuvok who also nodded at her and said, "Indeed, I agree with Captain Chakotay, we should discuss this in the morning when you are rested."  
><em> 

_Kathryn gave him a curt Admiral type nod before placing a worried hand on his chest and asking, "What will you do tonight my old friend?"  
><em> 

_"All who are left are to spend the night here. Many of the Voyager crew wish to resume the party at lunch time tomorrow. They want to show you that they respect and support. Admiral Lang has not turned them from you," Tuvok told her as Chakotay leaned in and wrapped his protective arms around her.  
><em> 

_"That's for tomorrow; I really think we should retire with Caleb back to our little room," Chakotay told her taking her elbow in his hand to guide her up the stairs. _

_Kathryn, who knew she was beat, sighed and said, "ok," as her looked around the room for her son.  
><em> 

_"Mike and I will get Caleb and everything ready; you just go up and relax," Chakotay told her lovingly.  
><em> 

_Twenty minutes later Kathryn was back in the small room with Chakotay and Caleb. Her mother had carried Caleb upstairs just before Chakotay had returned. She had wanted to make sure her eldest was doing okay. She loved and trusted Chakotay, but after all that her daughter had been through, she just had to check for herself. Kathryn had been touched, but was thankful when her mother took her feeble responses to her questions and left her to snuggle her sweet son before his father arrived. Gretchen had kissed her head and hugged her extra before leaving for a room down the hall. _

_Chakotay had suggested he slept in the next room, but Kathryn had been adamant that she felt much safer with him in the room with her and Caleb. She didn't feel she could face the gossip that it could cause with others if he slept in a separate room, even though he didn't seem to care. She laid on the bed wrapped in the blankets with her son tucked snuggly in her arms. Mike and Tom had brought the make shift crib for Caleb up the stairs, but Kathryn enjoyed holding him in her arms just watching him. It was a welcome feeling after the turmoil of the evening. Chakotay was busying himself arranging blankets on the hard wooden floor for him to sleep on; neither said anything. It was a while before Kathryn; who was drifting in and out of sleep realised that Chakotay couldn't seem to stay still. It was obvious that he was trying not to disturb her, but she could tell he really wasn't comfortable. With a heavy heart she whispered, "Are you really planning to sleep on the floor Chakotay?"  
><em> 

_"I'm not sure about sleeping," he muttered, once again shifting his position, "but spend the night, yes."  
><em> 

_Kathryn stared at him in the almost black room; his large figure looked so big crumpled up in the limited floor space. "Maybe you should sleep next door. You would at least have a bed," her words were clearly forced but Chakotay knew she said it out of love.  
><em> 

_"No Darling," he said firmly, "you want me in this room with you and Caleb; therefore, in this room I stay."_

_Kathryn was touched by his actions of love. It made her cry; this man had and would suffer so much discomfort just to make things easier on her. Taking a deep breath she whispered, "Come up here with us; there is space." Chakotay looked at her questioningly in the dim light until she whispered sincerely, "Please!"_

(+)(+)(+) 

Once the foggy mist of the night before began to clear, she smiled at her son falling gently back to sleep in both his parents' arms. She knew all would be right with the world at this moment; it was just getting to that point that was difficult. Slipping slowly out of bed, she padded to the crib watched by Chakotay as she placed the now sleeping form of Caleb into it, kissed his tiny forehead and returned to the half occupied bed without a word. He had often dreamed of watching her do this; it warmed his heart to be in her bed watching her do it just then.

"Kathryn, try to sleep," Chakotay whispered stroking her long hair with his fingers, "It's only in the early hours yet." 

"I am asleep," she muttered into the pillow where she lay, clearly wide awake in his arms. Her mind was going over and over the night before. She had been excited about seeing people when she realized it was her birthday party; then things went downhill. She thought about B'Elanna and all that she had revealed about her private terror. Kathryn remembered how Tom had supported her the entire time; holding, hugging her, and shielding her at all the right times. She wished that she could have that with Chakotay. She had never known what B'Elanna had gone through; and as she thought about the circumstances she had to marvel about how close they really were. She knew for a fact that B'Elanna was not just a friend to him, she was family; his baby sister. Kathryn also thought about how B'Elanna had commented that she had called Chakotay down to help her explain parts of her ordeal to Tom. Tom and Chakotay had basically buried their earlier animosity against each other as soon as Tom and B'Elanna became serious. After tonight it all made more sense. She was not happy that she had revealed some of her own terror to them, but she did feel lighter and at least she felt like she could perhaps talk to someone else about it. B'Elanna would understand and not judge her, but at the same time would kick her to getting better. She liked that; liked that she could trust her and that B'Elanna must have already decided she could trust Kathryn if she dared to tell her story for the first time. Besides, B'Elanna already seemed to have adopted her into her very tight circle of confidants since even before the marriage. 

Chakotay smiled as he lay behind her, his face propped up in his hand as he looked down at her motionless form, "of course," he whispered feeling the silkiness of her long hair as he ran his fingers through it, still mesmerized by its softness and beauty. The corners of Kathryn's small mouth crept into a smile at his words; seemingly the only visible sign she was awake. Chakotay continued to caress her hair; as he knew how much it relaxed her. He hoped it was working even now. He liked to caress her too; it helped them both. 

After a long silence when Chakotay was sure she had fallen asleep, he watched her deeper breathing and was convinced that she was indeed getting the rest she so dearly needed. Chakotay was just about to lie down and try to get a few more contented hours sleep himself when she whispered, "Chakotay?" 

"Humm?" he replied leaning over her and stroking the long strands of hair away from where they had fallen over her face so he could see her questioning eyes. 

"Do you miss it," she asked, slowly opening her deep blue eyes and turning to lie on her back so she was gazing directly up into his eyes. 

"What?" he asked softly, his breathing raw and deep as he looked down at her beautiful body so close to him. Her eyes shining and were so unusually bright. Something was different about her. 

"The Val Jean," she whispered looking away from his face; she still felt the sharp pang of guilt over the fact he sacrificed his beloved ship to save her ship, and both of their crews and to save her. 

"No," he told her quickly and honestly. Taking her face in his hands and drawing her to look at him he continued, "She was very special to me, but that part of my life ended when I came to Voyager." 

"Do you regret that?" she wasn't sure she really wanted the answer, but she needed to know. She was always afraid he resented her for the situations they were in. 

"No," was his simple, soft reply. Kathryn visibly relaxed into the bed as she let her eyes close. She was so relieved and took a moment to let go of the tension that had been coursing through her as she had waited for his answer. 

Again, Chakotay smiled as he ran his fingers through her long hair while she looked contented drifting off to sleep once more. Then, suddenly her eyes shot open as her shining blue orbs found his dark eyes, "Chakotay?" 

"Humm?" he asked leaning in to let his lips gently meet hers in a soft kiss. 

"I love you," she breathed softly into his lips in a husky, deep whisper. 

"I love you too," he responded as he smiled, once again closing the distance between their lips. This time her body arched into him, her delicate lips slightly parted in anticipation. Chakotay didn't hesitate for his tongue to find its way into her inviting mouth, softly and lovingly. He was not going to rush this moment. Chakotay could feel the heat radiate from her as her chest softly thumped against his. She allowed herself to run her hands through his hair just as a soft, deep moan welled up from deep within her. 

After what felt like a blissful eternity they finally parted. Kathryn lay back on the mattress her breathing rugged and deep, eyes closed, cheeks slightly flushed, lips slightly swollen with her auburn hair fanned out across the pillow; she was gorgeous. Chakotay looked down at her; the image of pure contentment and beauty; his heart swelled with the knowledge of how brave she truly was. After over a decade of loving her, he could finally call her his wife. Knowing B''Elanna had told Kathryn that he said he had declared his intention to marry her just three months into their journey made it even sweeter. They had been through so much, but every second was well worth the tender moments they were sharing now. She was feeling so deeply and he hadn't felt her stiffen to his touches…not the ones in private. She had only wiggled away from the one in public; and he understood that.

It was Kathryn who broke the silence; Chakotay had not expected her question when she said, "Do you miss her?" she asked without opening her eyes. 

"Who?" he asked planting another delicate kiss on her forehead and then leaning back to run his fingers softly over her still swollen lips. He loved it when she let him touch her this way. Others might consider the contact small, but it was such a large thing for the two of them. 

"Cassie," she said as her voice cracked. Her eyes filled with moisture as she opened them to look at her husband. He let out an involuntary gasp when he saw the sincere openness and vulnerability in her words. She was speaking from a very personal and level. She did not often open herself up like this. 

"Yes," he answered her truthfully, "but not like I used to." His mouth swept into a smile as he stroked her face as she lay looking up at him saying, "I don't pine for a lost love any more, but I miss her as the person she was." Even Chakotay's voice began to crack and tears fill his eyes as he said, "She was cut down and slain before her time." He showed real emotion as he admitted, "She should never have died that way." Slowly her hand reached up, still trembling to meet his face, he was brought back to present as he smiled and told her, "but somebody else fills my heart now." 

"I could never be her," Kathryn reminded him sadly. 

"No," Chakotay agreed stroking her soft face. Kathryn's eyes widened as she looked at him above her propping himself up on his elbows. Fear that she could never fill the whole in his heart gripped her and he saw it. The look on her face saddened him as much as her thoughts saddened her, so he told her lovingly, "My love can only be for you; it's you I want, not somebody to replace the love I buried many years ago." As she let his words sink in, she dared to believe them as her hands went up to wrap her arms around his neck. "I love you Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway!" he declared to her as their eyes met in love. "I love you for who you are; all of you," he said softly. Arching her body once more, she silently calmed his lips again, her heart pounding as she did so, this was real, this was Kathryn! It was NOT the Admiral affectionately kissing her husband. As their lips parted, he held her gaze as he told her, "I love you far more than I ever loved Cassie" 

"Chakotay!" she tried to pull away horrified he would joke about such a thing. 

"I mean it," he said as he grabbed her hands, softly forcing her to look at him as she the tears fell down her face freely as she silently shook her head at him, "I loved Cassie then, as the broken angry warrior that I was, and my heart was hers but you Kathryn, you are my peace, my being, my love." Chakotay told her softly, "My heart is yours" 

"I don't know how to reply to that," she said as she trembled beneath him as tears fell, her heart thumping at the thought of it. 

"You don't have to, it's enough you just being here in my arms and allowing me to share your bed," he told her pulling her tighter to him to spoon her in a loving embrace. 

"I like it, I feel safe," she whispered. 

"I'm glad," he whispered in her ear as she relaxed into him, "now sleep love, it's only early yet, we all had quite a night."

"Chakotay?" Kathryn asked in a hushed whisper once again, as she lay peacefully with her back to him while he ran his calming fingers through her long hair as she lay peacefully with her eyes closed.

"Hmmm?" Chakotay asked softly once again as he hoped she would just relax and turn her thoughts off so she could get some much needed sleep. He was afraid of what she was thinking about; he wanted her to let all the turmoil and terror of the recede from her thoughts.

"If it's May 20th..." she began slowly as she opened her eyes to look at him with a half-smile cracked on her face.

"Yes..." he half smiled back at her, though he wasn't sure where this was going.

"Then it's my birthday," she finished up matter of factly; urging him to anticipate where this was going.

"Yes..." Chakotay told her slowly his brows drawn together as her looked into her eyes saying, "that was the reason for the party."

"Yes," she smiled brightly and seemed to relax as she once again let her eyes close to sleep before suddenly she opening them again and asked, "So Chakotay?"

"Humm?" came his reply as he lowered his lips to hers in a bid to reassure her about whatever was clearly troubling her about the events of the day happening on her birthday. He felt bad that it had wrecked his plans for her, but Jack had done that. The rest just followed. He was glad to be calmly holding her now; it was far more than he had hoped for.

She pulled from his soft kiss; lingering just a moment not wanting to end it. She wrapped her arms around his neck and tried to ask in a way that didn't sound accusatory, "If you threw me a party, why didn't you get me a present?"

"Oh," he sighed as he reached up and took her hands from around his neck as he whispered, "well," as he awkwardly pulled on his ear.

Kathryn immediately sensed the awkwardness and shook her head saying, "Oh don't worry Chakotay," she placed a small hand on his shoulder as she told him, "the party was lovely." As she withdrew her hand she gave a half smile and added, "Honestly."

"I'm glad you think so, but we didn't really have a chance to enjoy it," he looked disappointed at the words he was saying.

"It was a nice thought," she smiled as she lifted her hand to his face and slowly caressed his face trying to reassure him.

She looked so sad that Chakotay couldn't hold back a chuckle as he told her, "My Love, of course I got you a present."

"Oh?" her eyes widened as she looked up at him in anticipation. Something was so different about her in that moment; she seemed to be so present and open to him and his closeness.

Running his fingers slowly over her cheek and down her neck until his hand gently cupped her breast as he looked her softly in the eyes; he was overjoyed to see only love in her eyes. There was no fear in her eyes; he had been so thrilled that he had not seen the distraught woman who he had so recently seen when he touched her. This was not the first time they had done this. On Voyager they had taken to doing this very lightly during their stolen moments of free time together. Encouraged by her response, he slowly moved from her cleavage and down to her hip and then her thigh. When she held his gaze with no distress he lowered his hand further done to the hem of her dress as his hand found its way under her dress to rest on her upper thigh. Again, she didn't pull away, move, or flinch; she just lay and enjoying their closeness as she lovingly held his gaze. Leaning in, he softly nibbled her ear lobe as he had before when she had pushed him away, but this time she let out a soft moan as which made his heart soar as he whispered, "But your just going have to be a good girl and wait aren't you?"

"Oh come on Chakotay," she hissed back at him; surprises were one thing she couldn't stand, and he knew it!  
>"Yes?" he asked innocently as he ran his hand softly over her smooth thigh. He was careful not to move too quickly or apply too much pressure as he tenderly touched her. Holding her close and touching her this way felt like a dream. He was amazed that she was letting him close to her after all the turmoil and horror the day had brought out. Shortly after they had been alone in their little room Kathryn had confided in Chakotay that she really hoped to learn to lean on him the way B'Elanna leaned on Tom.<p>

"A clue?" she raised an eyebrow at him in gentle anticipation.

"No, My Love," he growled through his dimpled smile; his resolve was set, she would find out when the time was right.

"Well, why not?" she tried to sound casual and not too desperate, "You would have given it to me tonight anyway."

"One of them, yes," he admitted as her eyes widened in confusion, "I got you three," he clarified.

"Oh come on Chakotay!" Kathryn said as she pulled away from the tantalizing circles his fingers were drawing on the warm skin of mid-thigh; she was annoyed. He wouldn't even give her one little clue.

"No," he told her as his body rumbled with laughter at the sight of her famous death glare; annoyance clearly etched on her face as he informed her, "You are gorgeous when you do that you know."

"That's not the desired effect Captain" she hissed in a husky undertone.

"I know Admiral," he swiftly retorted back.

"Admiral?" she questioned, as she raised an eyebrow and let her eyes travel seductively over his half-clad body.

"You started it," he retaliated as his lips met with hers for a very soft whisper of a kiss.

"So report mister!" she barked in almost a laugh as they pulled from each other.

"Sorry Ma'am I have to disobey that order," he said as he winked at her while running his thumb over the erect nipple where he had been holding her breast. It was a soft touch; but one that she would not mistake for an idle, chance contact; he was caressing her body.

"Ma'am?" her eyebrow raised as her body felt the flush of desire as her cheeks reddened under his touch.

"My Love," he corrected himself with a more loving name for her.

"Maybe we should have done this a long time ago," she laughed as he pulled her into a soft hug.

"Neither of us was ready," he reminded her.

Kathryn remembered the very special stories Chakotay used to tell her of the young boy named 'Little Tree' who set out to be educated in the ways of the world. Smiling she asked, "Like Little Tree couldn't climb the tall tree he longed to until he dropped the rocks he carried?"

"Exactly like that," he smiled; always amazed that she had been listening to him all those years ago when she seemed silent and indifference to him. "Now sleep my wife," he implored as he, once again, let her lie down as he ran his fingers through her hair.

"Don't think I forgot about the present," she hissed closing her eyes and smuggling into him.

"I would expect nothing less," he stated as he kissed her forehead as her eyes slid shut "Sleep well Darling."


	83. Chapter 83

**Timings Lost.**

**Chapter 83.**

**Sorry for the delay in this, as I said before this story had expanded and grown far bigger than anything I have ever thought it would. It takes a lot of time, effort and energy, especially emotionally and so I am going at it slowly.**

**A huge thank you goes to Toriemil for her support, suggestions, time, effort, understanding and Beta work! This story really would be lost without her and this chapter wouldn't even exist! I truly feel this story is a joint effort, it's as much hers as it is mine! – There may still be the odd mistake but please stay with us, they are long chapters and take a lot of time to do.**

**As often is the case in this story this chapter has topics some may find upsetting, please be advised before reading. – Always feel free to PM me if you have any questions before or after reading.**

**Thank you! ENJOY.**

Chakotay woke after a short, yet content sleep. He stretched his tense muscles and reached out to place a loving hand on the woman who lay beside him in the strange bed. As his hand found only the cold and empty pillow beside him, his eyes immediately shot open to find he was alone in the bed. Fear swept through him as did concern for his beautiful wife's well-being. He let his eyes dart frantically around the tiny, dimly lit room until he saw two shining blue eyes staring lovingly at him from across the room. "Good Morning Sleepy Head," she smiled warmly as his eyes began to focus on her features as the thumping of his heart slowed from frantic to a more normal pace. Her hair was loosely tied to keep it from her face, her blue eyes sparkled, and her pale skin without any make-up showed the smattering of freckles across her face. She was so beautiful; She looked just as she had that first morning after she had arrived at his house nearly a year ago. She looked visibly relaxed where she sat on the wicker chair cradling a bundle of blankets that he knew was their sweet son.

"Kathryn?!" he sighed visibly as he relaxed into the bed as the fear of her absence washed from him. He looked at her for a good long moment. Seeing her relaxed like this after the turmoil of the night and afternoon before was priceless. Her strength never ceased to amaze him; even when she was distressed she managed to pull it together into her command mask to get through things, but he knew that the woman he held the night before was Kathryn. She had experienced a flashback in the early morning when she woke from a deep sleep to her son crying; but they had worked through the trauma and she had comfortably curled into him afterwards as he softly talked her through what was occurring. Chakotay's soft and unwavering voice had been her beacon of light in that storm. He had helped her finish feeding Caleb, covered her breast, and then pulled her into an embrace to finish sleeping through the night. The rest was much more peaceful and she was able to hear Caleb the next time before he fussed enough for Daddy to hear him. She had taken that time to get up and feed him from the chair while she contemplated all that had occurred. In all, she was feeling lighter; there was still much to work through, but with Chakotay, B'Elanna and Tom, she knew that she could talk to people.

"Hi," she laughed in return as she let her eyes lock with his, a small smile creeping onto her face. She was thrilled to know that he cared so much for her. She knew he loved her; it was just nice to see how much.

"Spirits Love, you gave me a fright when you weren't there beside me," he scowled in pretend annoyance when really all he felt was relief that she was still there and was seemingly ok. He searched her features for any signs of distress, but there were none with him; only amusement at his current situation.

"Sorry but Caleb and I were bonding over his morning feed," she pouted at him and winked, "I tried to tell him the 'Little Tree' stories, but I don't do it like his Daddy does."

"I'm sure you do fine," he smiled as he climbed out of the bed and walked towards her, planting a gentle kiss on her lips as he stood before her. He then leaned down and kissed the forehead of their son as he was cradled in her arms. Standing upright he asked her, "Do you want a coffee?"

"I would love one," she beamed watching his broad, still slightly asleep form walk towards the door of the little room.

"Wait there," he flashed his dimples at her as he unbolted the door to find a working replicator. Kathryn didn't reply, she just smiled as he slipped out the room and closed the door softly behind him. She stared wistfully at the closed door before letting out a contented laugh as she looked down at the small boy in her arms who was just waking up. She found her heart beating fast as his tiny blue eyes began to open to stare up at her. She felt so much love flow from her into that tiny little boy. She couldn't believe her heart, that had felt so shattered and alone for so long, was now filled with love for two wonderful men. The sudden realization of how Chakotay had greeted both of them with a kiss warmed her heart. She wanted that every morning, but most of all she wanted her son to know that kind of love from his father. Jack was never going to be a father to him. She had tried to do the right thing the day he was born and tell Jack they had created a life together, but he had cruelly rejected not just her, but his child too. Chakotay never had; he had given his treasured name for a son, his traditions, and unconditional love to her tiny son…and to her also. She was so pleased they had Chakotay; a steady loving man, she knew she could make her way on her own two feet, but it was nice to know that she didn't have to be alone. It was nicer to share her life.

Just then the man who filled her thoughts came back into the room handing her a mug of steaming coffee. "Thanks," she smiled up at him taking a gulp of the hot bitter drink.

"You're welcome," he smiled back as he climbed back under the warm covers of the small bed; the early dawn hours left the small room with a chill. Kathryn still sat in the small wicker chair as she held their tiny son wrapped in one of the blankets from the bed as the three shared a relaxed and comfortable silence. She drank her coffee and whispered in her son's ear as Chakotay lay peacefully in the bed watching mother and son. "Why don't you and Caleb come back to bed," he found himself asking after a short while as he knew she had almost finished her drink, "it feels cold in here and I would enjoy the company of my family."

"We were enjoying watching you sleep," she smiled lazily at him.

"Well, now I'm awake; you two can come and lie here with me," he said softly as his eyes held her deep blue eyes lovingly, hoping she still felt insulated against the demons that often plagued her, "and if you're both really good I might even tell you a story."

"You've got me there," she almost giggled as she quickly jumped up with Caleb cradled tightly in her arms as she hastily discarded her finished coffee mug and joined him in the bed.

As she snuggled beside him in the warmth of his embrace under the covers, she held Caleb tightly to her as he wrapped his loving arms around her, resting his arms on hers. Chakotay leaned in to kiss her softly, but pulled away and moaned, "That coffee stinks; you know that don't you?"

"You like it though," she teased planting her lips softly against his in a soft kiss that filled each with extra warmth.

"It reminds me of you," he agreed parting from the last kiss. Knowing he wanted more, he leaned in to capture her lips once again; kissing her lips freely and leisurely. He was overjoyed she didn't pull away or stiffen under his touch as he slowly caressed her arms as she kissed him and held their son.

"Really" She arched an eyebrow at him as her eyes twinkled with a bit of girlish mischief in her gaze?

That was his undoing. Taking her shoulders in his hands he slowly claimed her lips fully as he moaned, "humm," from somewhere deep within as her body once again arched into him. "I suppose I could get used to the smell," he said as he took in a large whiff, as though smelling a flower, before running his fingers over her parted lips and finishing, "and taste of coffee in the mornings."

"That's good to know," she whispered in mock command tone, "because I gave it up for seven months while I had Caleb," then kissing her son, she told her husband in no uncertain terms, "only another child will get me to give it up again."

"I wouldn't dream of trying to dissuade you for any other reason," he laughed at the thought of that fruitless pursuit.

"Ok," she was teasing him with her deep husky voice, "Now we have established that one, what do you want to do today?"

"Well we have about five hours before everyone comes back to celebrate their radiant Admiral's birthday," he shrugged pulling her and Caleb tighter to him under the large quilt.

"That's five hours I get to just be your wife," she whispered looking up at him and gently tracing the lines of his dark tattoo with her fingers, "and be Caleb's mother."

"I was hoping you would be my wife for longer than the next five hours," he told her in a seductive tone while running his fingers over her face, mimicking her actions.

"You know what I mean," she said as she smile and gently pounded his chest with her fist.

"Good because I got you this," he growled in her ear as he reached to retrieve a delicately wrapped tiny little box in red paper tied with a gold ribbon. Shoving it into her free hand he kissed her cheek and whispered, "Happy Birthday Kathryn!"

"What is it?" she asked staring at the box stunned at the abrupt appearance of it.

"Most people open their presents to find out what they are," he teased as he released his hold on her so she could sit up.

"Ok," she smiled handing the content little baby to him, "hold your son," she ordered freeing both her hands for the task of opening the present.

"Is Mummy going to open her present or just stare at the wrapping?" Chakotay asked his son with a dimpled smile and a twinkle in his eyes, "what do you think?"

"I think it's beautiful wrapping," Kathryn told him in her deep husky voice, "did you wrap it?" her eyes were filling with tears as she turned the beautiful tiny wrapped box over in her hands.

"Yes," he kissed her cheek lovingly before ordering, "now open it!"

Kathryn shot him a watery stare before taking a deep breath and slowly and deliberately slicing open the wrapping in a neat fashion. She revealed a black velvet box which she opened with trembling hands as he watched her. Her eyes fell on the object within the box as a flood of tears began to fall down her precious face. She looked at him and whispered, "Oh Chakotay...," but her voice trailed off too full of emotion. She looked down at a tiny delicate gold necklace intertwined with white gold all down the chain. The pendant was of a small golden eagle whose wings were spread as his tattoo design. In the very heart of the tiny eagle's chest was a white gold rose in the distinct shape of a peace rose and one tiny delicate diamond right in the heart of the eagle and the rose. She also saw that there was an old style note. With trembling hands she unfolded the small paper. She recognized Chakotay's soft and elegant handwriting;

Kathryn,

No matter what, you are never alone.

Yours always,

Chakotay

When she finally looked up at him again, her face wet with tears and her hands still trembling, she opened her mouth to say something, but he silenced her by placing his fingers on her parted lips and whispered, "Here," as he handed her yet another delicate piece of paper.

Looking down she saw a pencil sketch, "A sleeping eagle?" she asked in slight confusion.

"Even the eagle knows when to sleep," he told her firmly, the very thing he had told her many times before, but the first time had been on New Earth when she forced protocol into the middle of their relationship. He hadn't quite known why then; he wished he had, he could have helped her heal long ago; but he was glad they were doing it now.

"Of course," she laughed knowing his meaning, as she once again fought back tears as she opened the card to read his beautiful handwriting.

My Dearest Kathryn,

I replicated this for you shortly after our return from New Earth. I wanted to give it to you then, but my heart was too scared; too afraid to speak out. I was afraid of your rejection. I did not replicate it in an act of open love; it was to be for you the knowledge that one day the eagle would sleep, and I would wait for you to emerge. When fear gripped me, fear you would not have me, would not want me, I kept this close, a memory of my love for you.

I was content in that love to watch you from afar; Content in being there whenever I could to lighten your load. I would forever serve under you where I could be sure you would stay safe.

Now is our time my wife; now is the time you should have this.

Always Yours in Love,

Chakotay

She stared at the beautiful paper with his old fashioned writing and let his words flood into her heart. The last several weeks had forced her to share the most private and painful parts of her past with this man she loved so much. She had been so scared to tell anyone; it made her feel so disgusted and ashamed of herself; all the things she did out of necessity and survival. All these years she wasn't sure she could live with herself unless she kept the ugliness locked away. Command training had been her greatest ally; keeping things securely controlled in different compartments and still present an aura of sanity, but it was a lonely life. She had finally opened up to Chakotay, Tom and B'Elanna and felt infinitely more relieved after the night before; much of her fears never realized. Even though she had been quite emotionally bare, Tom and B'Elanna had not turned from her; and she now knew that B'Elanna understood more than she ever thought possible. Chakotay's opinion had been more of a fear; she was so afraid he would not understand, but instead of being disgusted with her, Chakotay responded to her patiently and lovingly. He had given her these precious gifts and the words from his heart too; once again leaving her in awe of how much this man loved HER…not the Admiral…..HER! She was crying again; but this time the tears were accompanied with a pair of blue sparkling eyes and a brightly lit face with a smile gracing her features.

Kathryn held the notes and the precious pendant to her heart as she closed her eyes again and took a deep breath. She opened her eyes and tried to form the words that were flowing from her heart, but none came, just a fresh wave of tears. Sensing her needs, he shifted his son and pulled her onto his lap and cradled them both to his chest, rocking back and forth in a slow motion as he softly caressed her back and arms. They stayed like that several minutes until he sensed her calming. He eased her back just enough to look into her eyes and see a very touched woman staring back at him, so full of love he thought she might burst. He leaned down slightly and kissed her temple as he softly wiped away her tears with his free hand. She was so beautiful. Still clutching the delicate pendant against her heart, Kathryn looked into his eyes and softly whispered, "Thank you, this means the world to me. You weren't the only one afraid, but I know now that together we can get through anything."

"Do you want me to secure it for you?" he asked several seconds later, thrilled that she loved her gift.

"Yes, please," she eagerly answered as he handed the sleeping child to her.

Chakotay took the small pendant and fastened it in place. He smiled at her as he admired his gift. It was beautiful on her. She felt beautiful wearing it, and he could see she was quite pleased with it too.

(+)(+)(+)

_He sat tapping away at the console in the dark and dreary room. He was snarling at the screen as he occasionally let out a growl before continuing to work as he had all night. That dirty whore was not going to ruin his life. He had worked too long and hard to get where he was to be disrespected and destroyed by a red headed slag who couldn't keep her dirty little hands to herself. That stupid woman had gotten herself lost in the Delta Quadrant; as if he believed that! Stolen the damn ship more like it, clearly the Alpha Quadrant species didn't provide enough fun for the whore. Well she certainly was not going to waltz back to the quadrant and threaten all he had built up for himself. Did the stupid woman really think she could leave him and take his offspring with her? Did she really think she could get away with passing his son off as another man's? Chakotay the father of that brat! The Captain was a fool to ever think that child could be his. What was she paying him with the fund the brat? He knew as well as anyone Kathryn Janeway had never lived without a man. _

_She couldn't win; not against him, he wouldn't have it. He wouldn't kill her; oh no, nothing so quick, nothing so final, oh but she would wish he had. She would beg him to kill her when he was through with her. Oh better still, he knew she had a tendency to depression; he, Jack Lang, would make sure she wanted nothing more than to end her own life. She had disobeyed him; no one disobeyed him! The filthy whore wouldn't know what hit her. He had been easy with her punishments in the past, and she had walloped him the night she left; so bad she called the Doctor, but he had let that slide for another day; a day that was fast approaching. He would make sure the doting Captain Chakotay would never look at her again. He had hoped the sex was good for Chakotay, because when he was through with Chakotay's pretty little whore of a wife the man would never want to have her again. His plan was brilliant! _

_Jack Lang had become an Admiral shortly after the beginning of the Dominion War when Starfleet had needed people in places of authority; he had been quickly promoted after years of languishing at lower ranks. Not only had they finally promoted him to where he had deserved, but they placed him into a prominent position that had the prestige he so richly deserved. He had a past, and he sure as hell wasn't going to let all those lowly unworthy ensigns, lieutenants, commanders, and captains he had been forced to fraternize with that destroy it for him. He had been forced to work with that lowly bunch of fools for too long. Now of course he held the rank he was worthy of, with all it privileges. Rank did have its privileges and upon securing his position, he had begun looking up those lowly fools he had had been forced to mix with early in his career. He didn't want anyone to threaten the future of his high rank; some of them knew too much, or suspected too much. He had to silence them, and he did. Many to the female officers he had served with were too afraid to speak out; he had made sure of that at the time. He had a "knack" for dealing with them; most women were easy to force into lie. They all desired him, but couldn't live up to what he wanted from them. Many of the scum he was most concerned about silencing found themselves conveniently with remote assignments and others had been sent into battle areas where they had little chance of surviving. How very unfortunate for them, Jack mused to himself with another one of his sinister growls as he thought upon the genius of his plan. Of course he had been careful to make sure that he was never traced to the change of assignments; if they had ever survived he had other ways of ensuring their tight lipped loyalty. Those cowardly fools feared him anyway. Starfleet was quite literally at his mercy and the bureaucratic Admirals didn't even see it; getting them to do his bidding without question was easy, they were quite literally clay in his hands. _

_When he had gone to look up Kathryn Janeway, he was surprised to see she had made the rank of Captain. He had watched her from a far during his time in the Academy, the daughter of a famous Admiral made her a favorite among the professors. When he had heard she had switched from Science to Command track he had been in fits of laughter for days. He had not been overly impressed with her ability to lead. She was emotional to say the least, foolish and driven by her need for popularity. She had been a Science Officer under Owen Paris, everyone knew he asked for her, probably as a favor to her fool of a dead father. Well she hadn't paid any attention to men during her Academy days, but she had been rather touchy feely with many of the male cadets, one Justin Tighe in particular when she switched to Command courses. Jack could truly say he had been delighted to see 'MISSING IN ACTION' across her file. Believing that Voyager, her crew and Captain were all lost and presumed dead had been music to his ears. It would take a lot to wipe Kathryn Janeway from Starfleet existence, but the stupid woman had made his job easier for him when Voyager when missing. It was one less ugly woman to deal with. How ironic that she had been on a mission to bring down a Maquis Cell at the time; and not just any cell. It was the cell commanded by the infamous Chakotay; admired and revered even among the most deadly of Maquis Leaders; respected for his honor and peace no less. Maybe the dumb Indian had finally had his peace tested to his limits and blown her head off. Then Jack found his patience tested when that holographic Doctor showed up claiming to have traveled from Voyager in the damn Delta Quadrant. That blubbering fool Reg Barkley, with the full backing of Starfleet and Admiral Paris, started The Pathfinder Project and news came that they had made contact and Voyager was revealed to alive and well; as was her captain. Jack was fuming, but didn't worry too much as The Delta Quadrant was thousands of light years from home and with that emotional whore as Captain, they would likely never see Federation space again. _

_When everyone heard the Borg were on their way to Sector 001 there was wide panic, but it was that damned red head Captain of Voyager that burst through that transwarp conduit; it was then that Jack knew his life was about to take a sharp turn. He could no lager afford to let her live her pitiful existence unchecked in the Alpha Quadrant. She was a loose cannon; she had spent seven years living by her own rules. He knew he was in danger with her and her filthy mouth on the loose in Federation space; she was not going to be as easy to silence as the others. Immediately he began plans to make sure that the precious Captain Janeway, Starfleet's new Golden Girl was going to be kept in line. The night she had entered Sector 001 he had accessed every file his rank allowed, and with her experiences that was quite a bit of material. If he had not already seen her filthy body in action, he might have actually been impressed with her record; but he knew her, inside and out, the great part was neither she nor Starfleet didn't know it. _

_When her debriefings concluded and Starfleet promoted her to Admiral, it was the talk of the quadrant; little did they know Jack mused. He had quickly seen his opportunity; there were plenty of rumors regarding the fondness Voyager's Captain held for her First Officer, and any fool could see that fondness was more than reciprocated. That was another area Jack felt pitifully let down, Chakotay, Captain of the bravest and most honorable Maquis cell succumbed to working under her; the whore of Starfleet. Jack knew she probably 'paid' him; poor dumb fool went and fell in love with this whore. Somewhere along the way he must have seen sense, he had chosen to pursue a relationship with a rather young and buxom blond. If she weren't Borg he would willingly claim her and her delightfully delicious breasts; but Jack Lang didn't go for cross cultural relations. If he was honest he didn't consider her human and he was more than a bit afraid of her Borg parts. She was also a civilian and thus so far beneath him. The little liaison between Voyager's First Officer and the Borg had shattered the Captain; everyone had known it, apart from Chakotay himself. That one very large piece of information gave Jack his most valuable leverage. This was his invitation to enter into her life and make sure she kept that whole in her face shut; she would be too busy on her knees pleasuring him with her mouth to talk. The whole thing was really too brilliant in its simplicity. He always knew women weren't command material; most of them spread their legs at his command much better than they gave commands. Jack had fun with Janeway's body that was for sure. It had been easy to hook her into a relationship, and of course she didn't remember him, why would she? This wasn't the first time she had been permitted into his bed, but they were both younger then. _

_The information in her file had made things particularly satisfying; especially when he realized her past was more 'interesting' than he had at first knew. He used that information to his greatest advantage to get close to her. The tears were annoying, how she had droned on about having to keep everything in check for seven years; he could care less, but at least if he pretended to console her she would tell him more to use against her. It hadn't been that difficult once he realized her crushed heart ran deep; and was too proud and stubborn to admit it. He had sucked her in; using her for his own fantasies while he kept her line. She was so ready for him to take her, she was begging for it. He enjoyed making her suffer through pleasure; he had the naked whore writhing for hours at a time. The snarl on his face grew wider remembering that thought. All he had to do was keep her from Chakotay and the rest of the Voyagers and she stayed in line. That wasn't hard; soon after the debriefings the crew got on with their lives. They soon forgot their 'glorious' Captain. Even her love smitten First Officer had moved on. Seeing her feel the pain of that loss was deliciously beautiful for Jack. Jack wasn't a fool; as soon as he met the man he knew Chakotay was dangerous to him and his plans. Jack could easily see what the rest of the Voyagers saw in regard to how Chakotay felt about his former Captain, but that just wouldn't do. Jack had a life he wanted to protect and she was playing the part quite well. If Chakotay had ever gotten wind of what he was up to with his precious Kathryn Janeway it would all be over. He loved his Borg no more than he did a good drink; but he had stayed away while he was tangled up with the Borg woman. It took a little convincing of individuals, but blocking his communication to Kathryn was easy; she had never been the wiser. He often wondered how these two amateurs had made it this far for they were too easily divided. Once Kathryn had shown her ultimate betrayal; leaving him to go to her 'Maquis Savior.' Jack knew he was in trouble that night she left him beaten so bad a Doctor was needed; if he was honest he was worried more about Chakotay than he was Kathryn. He knew how to keep her quiet; especially since he knew all her secrets. Even though she had run to Chakotay, Jack was sure she hadn't told Chakotay about her past; even what had happened in the house he kept her in._

_Leaning back in the large leather chair in front of his console Jack toasted himself with her Katarian Cider; the best development so far had been the night's events. Sometime earlier during one of Chakotay's angry visits Jack had been fortunate to observe Chakotay's very jealous side. Seeing him holding her bra that day gave him some insight and had made him certain that she had not shared a bed with Chakotay; Voyager must have been hell for the First Officer! She'd bed any man that would look at her twice, but leave her First Officer frustrated, probably just as well for the poor Indian Chief. She was a disgustingly frigid woman when she wasn't properly 'inspired.' Oh, and he could inspire her all right; inspire her to perform like a dog on heat whenever he commanded. She played to his fantasies well; she liked to make him happy and he liked things rough. He made sure she had plenty of experience with that, after all he knew about her activities with the Cardassians; the things he read in that report had made for some fun nights…fun for him; she did not disappoint. She liked to keep him happy; she wouldn't dare disobey his wishes! She knew her place and she kept it well, on her hands and knees like the dog she was. When he expressed any dissatisfaction, she quickly responded to his orders…she could take them. She had often cried, but he didn't much care for her wimpy reasons. He was so glad she didn't want to talk about them. She sometimes screamed in pain or pleasure, he didn't care for which it was, he just had to order her to shut up. So often she was red in the face and shaking fighting the urge to let a scream or a gasp escape. He didn't want to hear such things; it destroyed his pleasure. That was when the gag came in; oh she feared the gag with everything in her and that pleased him immensely. One time he kept her gagged, naked, and tied spread across a bed for a whole week; she was his play thing then and she couldn't even protest. He just called her a whore and she quickly got back into line; she hated that word…and it was his favorite weapon, so subtle in its cutting. The next most effective weapon was the threat of telling everyone what he had 'discovered' about her; revealing her dirty little secrets that others would not be so willing to overlook._

_When she left him and went to Chakotay his pride had been wounded. That was public event; even if she said nothing. She was not going to get away with leaving him; nor could he could afford to let her. Finding out he had sired a son with her disgusted him. That whore hadn't taken the right precautions and had stolen his sperm. He would take HIS son and destroy her; not that he wanted the disgusting infant, but he knew it would destroy her. He had taken his first blow that very evening. He had felt her birthday to be a very appropriate time. There they were all getting together to celebrate her. Her assembled family and friends were just the audience he needed. They all thought they knew her, but soon saw her for who she was. Seeing her cavorting with a married man was even better, just goes to show how right he was. She couldn't keep her hands to herself even after her own marriage. He had taken quite a big delight in exposing her 'indiscretion.' The looks on the faces of the crew, Chakotay, B'Elanna, and Tom were priceless. That squalling infant had taken his last nerve; but he was a necessary part of the plan. He was going to take the child from her; and no one was going to blame him. He would pretend to move the child to his home planet to be raised away from the scandalous influence of his whore of a mother, but in reality he would just get rid of the screaming infant._

_He had stayed back few minutes the evening before…enough to see Chakotay haul her up the stairs; disgust evident in his eyes. At least now he could see what kind of harlot he had married; he couldn't say Jack hadn't warned him. He hadn't even wanted the screaming child; he had taken the infant from her and shoved it in the hands of another of Voyager's crew members. Oh this was beautiful. Jack would have taken the child then, but it would be all too easy not to do it in front of her; besides the Asian man hadn't looked too friendly. No, he would destroy her just a little more first. He took great pleasure in knowing that n__ow he had assured Chakotay would never want that woman, and it would make losing her son even hurt even more. In one fell swoop of brilliance he had destroyed her; No one would ever look at her the same again! He would get to keep his secrets and Kathryn Janeway would be destroyed from within. The bad press he had subtly tried to generate about her whoring herself through the Delta Quadrant had not effectively turned the Voyager crew from her. He had just opened their eyes wide thanks to his performance that evening. He leaned back and went over every result in his head again…_

_Chakotay had left her; that thought was most concrete in his mind and it brought a smile to his face, a very big menacing smile._

(+)(+)(+)

Chakotay's eyes looked down at his wife; she looked so beautiful and peaceful. Her whole countenance had changed from the evening before, any tension or uncertainty seemed to have been washed from her. He had never seen her looking more unburdened. What had started out so horribly when Jack showed up had turned out quite differently; it had actually been Jack's appearance which had helped forced her to finally open up to those closest to her about the terrors and traumas of her past. Chakotay was in awe of her, he had known she had faced difficult things but he never had imagined that she had faced things as horrific as she had. Now his beautiful wife had finally shared that trauma with him and it only made his love and pride for her grow. His heart beat fast in his chest as he thought of the pain she had endured at the hands of the Cardassians and the anguish and fear that would still grip her for a while yet. He knew there was so much more to her story than she had discussed, but the change he saw in the small steps she had already taken gave him such hope for her. He hadn't married a disgusting whore he had married a survivor, and the bravest person he had ever had the privilege to know.

Her eyes held his and they filled with tears, tears of love and joy at his gesture. Looking into her face so relaxed and close to him made his whole body warm with love. One of her delicate hands was clasped tightly around the necklace he had just fastened around her neck almost as though she didn't want to let go. Slowly her eyes fell from his down cast to the sleeping child he held loosely in his arms.

Chakotay used one hand to brush some stray strands of hair from her down cast eyes so he could watch her tears fall as she looked at their son. "I love you so much," he whispered to her. Slowly she looked up from Caleb and smiled slightly as she met his eyes briefly, and then looked back down again conscious of his gaze fixed her.

For a minute he watched her in silence, he was sure she wasn't going to reply. Slowly he tore his gaze from her and followed her line of vision to the beautiful little boy lying in his arms, with pale skin, blue eyes and a tuft of blonde hair. Just when Chakotay was about to say something else her husky voice broke into the comfortable silence, "I love you too," she responded with a small smile as she leaned in to kiss Caleb's forehead, mimicking Chakotay's actions from earlier. Then slowly she raised her head to meet his dark eyes. Placing one land on his shoulder, she willingly and without encouragement brushed her lips softly against his in a light kiss. Chakotay's eyes slid shut to savor the brave, tender contact she offered him. Quickly almost as fast as it had happened she was pulling away.

Chakotay's eyes shot open in fear that this action had frightened her in some way, but was relieved to see she was still as peaceful as she had been all morning. Leaning in he dared to steal another brush of her lips against his, as he ran his hand in her loosely tied hair before he pulled from her and left the bed. A surprised Kathryn, suddenly aware of his absence, watched silently as he moved to the make shift cot that sat across the room from the bed and placed his sleeping son down. He carefully added the extra blanket from the bed and looked fondly at the child as he settled in so peacefully. Kathryn started to protest Caleb being laid in the cot taking the extra blanket when he had others in the cot leaving them with only one, but Chakotay returned to bed and slipped in behind her and whispered lovingly in her ear as he leaned forward to pull her onto his lap, "Our little man will need to sleep more if he is going to be ready for later and the extra blankets will keep him warm. Do you suppose we can make do with sharing?" As he said this he took the remaining blanket and pulled it around them both. He felt her whole body stiffen slightly against him. He stilled his actions and let her adjust, as he did this he heard her beating heart; he knew she was fighting the panic rising in her; he loved her with all his heart, and would never turn from her. Hugging her tighter he wrapped his arms around her and laced his fingers through her hair as he kissed her softly and deeply. After a few moments, he whispered, "Relax, Kathryn its ok." Part of him knew it was a risk, but he had to take that risk for her; for them. It wasn't quick, it was slow and it was her who had to allow it, but ever so slowly every muscle in her body relaxed as she almost fell into his embrace. "I know," was all she offered by way of words before she turned to him and said again softly, "I know Chakotay it's just…." Her voice trailed off as she once again leaned in to brush her lips to his. This time she held to him for a second longer parting her lip slightly and not pulling away. Chakotay took the unspoken invitation and slid his tongue gently into her mouth.

Kissing her like this felt like a dream come true. Time stood still as their hearts beat in unison. The depth and force of the kiss was becoming overwhelming. Both their bodies had warmed quite a bit as their soft and delicate kiss became more and more urgent. Finally the need for air forced them to break the lingering kiss. Never in his life did he ever think he would love a woman as much as he loved the woman now in his arms.

"What shall we do now," she asked, more than slightly out of breath, as their kiss ended. They took a few short moments to catch their breath while leaning their foreheads against each other; neither wanting to lose the intimacy they now held. She loved this man with all her heart, she knew she did and she knew he deserved to know it! She had never imagined a man would love all of her, even after he knew about her capture and everything after that. Now Chakotay knew and he still loved her. She hadn't discussed most of the specifics of her traumas with him, but she knew that wouldn't make a difference to his love for her. She had challenged him to leave her many times, and each time he had stayed and pulled her closer; never making her feel he was disgusted with her. She almost could not believe that his acceptance was reality. In all honesty she had known Chakotay ten years, knew this was real, but it was hard to accept all the time; especially when all the things her capturers and Jack had said to her rung so loudly in her thoughts. This beautiful man, a man she had loved for ten years, was IN love with her; he really was. Kathryn had hoped many times that she would finally feel like a worthy human being again under the touch of a man, but she had long given up hope that any man's touch could be loving, but now she saw Chakotay really loved her and she dared to believe he might actually stay with her and quite possibly help her trust a man. It seemed for them the more forces tried to rip them asunder the more their love endured...no matter what the ugly past had made them endure.

He kept her close to his chest as he pressed a few feathery kisses to her lips before responding, "I like your idea from before."

"Which one was that?" she asked as she tried to think what she had suggested early, but her memory failed her; her thoughts were filled with the very present feelings of love and safety surrounding her.

"The idea you had about just being my wife for the remaining hours before the party begins again," he said as he stared into her bright sapphire eyes, "and Caleb's mom when he needs you."

"I would like that very much," Kathryn responded as she began to trace the lines of his tattoo with her fingers. He closed his eyes for a moment relishing the light caresses she was making against his face. Seeing his serenity at the sensations she was creating by her gentle touches gave her confidence in what she was doing. She leaned in and started kissing the fine lines of his tattoo as she ran her fingers through his hair. She loved tracing the outline of his tattoo and running her fingers through his hair and so did he, because a series of soft moans escaped him as he tried to pull her closer. "Is this what you had in mind?" she asked between sensual touches and kisses as she continued the assault on his senses.

"It is most definitely going in the direction I was hoping for," he rasped in a barely audible voice as a smile graced his face while she continued to kiss his face very gently. He wanted to cry at all the tenderness she was showering on him. Her touches and kisses were gentle; there was no hesitation and that made him happy. She was giving him the tenderness he wanted to show her. Gently, he eased away from her and moved her off his lap and laid her on bed beside him. "Kathryn…." He whispered slowly taking all the effort in him to pull from her caresses, "beautiful Kathryn, I think this is going a little fast." His heart was beating fast, he knew if his instinct was wrong he could destroy her trust; but should he be right, she would trust him even more. Her trust was paramount.

"Fast?" she gasped as her blue eyes looked at him in questioned, fear and confusion, "but I thought you wanted-"

Chakotay placed an index finger on her lips as she lay flat on her back looking up at him, her fear of rejection written clearly across her features. Leaning so her lips were centimeters from his, he took the risk, "that's just it," he said lovingly, "you thought I wanted;" still it was evident on her face she didn't understand. Before she started to panic, he softly ran his fingers lovingly along the side of her face as he asked, "What does Kathryn want?" She looked startled and confused. Suddenly she opened her mouth to say something, but he interrupted adding, "what does Kathryn _really_ want or need?"

She lay beneath him, her eyes staring up at him before she whispered in a deep cracked voice, "More time." Never had she dared say what she wanted while in bed with a man before, she had always been there to please him. She wasn't even sure she knew what she would want; but she knew she didn't want to feel like she had before. She wanted the intimacy she knew others enjoyed, and she felt she could learn to please Chakotay and it would be good for her because he would be kind to her, but now he was asking what SHE wanted; it was touching and overwhelming at the same time.

She felt distant and numb as Chakotay shifted to lie down beside her, pulling her into a gentle cuddle on the bed as he whispered, "then my dearest, you have all the time in the world. Let's just lay here and cuddle for a while."

She was stunned with her mind and emotions a jumble as she managed her soft reply, "ok."

(+)(+)(+)

It had been a long night for everyone, but Vulcans did not tire as quickly as humans did; therefore, Tuvok had gone forward with his task the moment he retired to his small room. T'Pel had regarded her spouse's actions momentarily but simply raised an eyebrow at him before going to the bed alone. She had not asked a single question regarding the evening's events. She knew his stance and she knew his look of concentration; he was involved in something of the upmost importance. He began to check the security of his computer terminal in the unknown room and proceeded to erect force fields around the room. T'Pel knew his actions were related to Kathryn Janeway and the visitor who had arrived during the evening's events. She respected her husband's old friend and his judgments in these matters. She was sure the things that were said about the Admiral were untrue; she knew Tuvok did not believe them either.

After ensuring the security of his connections, Tuvok began to systematically search all the available records regarding Admiral Jack Lang and those who worked with him after Voyager's launch. He and Chakotay had assigned Seven to investigate his activities and contacts prior to the launch. He was slightly worried about what she would uncover, if his suspicions of who this man was were correct Admiral Janeway's dealings with him from many years ago, could risk her career and the respect of some of Starfleet's more bureaucratic members. Both he and Chakotay had given her strict instructions not to discuss her findings with ANYONE; especially the Admiral herself, until she had met with him. Tuvok had shared his suspicions of Jack Lang's true identity with Chakotay, but had urged him that it would not be a prudent course of action to alert the Admiral to this just yet. Luckily the Native American had been agreeable though was angry, much as Tuvok had suspected he would be. Tuvok had talked with Chakotay regarding the urgency of his needing to keep his anger in check as not to alarm or alert the Admiral before the correct time. Chakotay had seen the necessary logic in this and had agreed. If he had not known that the Admiral would need her husband during the evening, he might have done more than ask Mike Ayala to keep an eye out for the couple, letting him know if Chakotay tried to leave the dwelling. Chakotay was a peaceful man, but the extent to which this man had assaulted his beloved wife in the present and then to try to comprehend the past atrocity, was nothing short of a near impossible feat, but Chakotay needed to be successful for her sake. To his credit, Mike had not asked a single question as to why; he had only agreed to keep a watch out for the couple; to include looking for Jack to reappear.

After their discussion with Seven, she had returned to her alcove in San Francisco to regenerate, but Tuvok strongly suspected she too would be conducting the research which he and Captain Chakotay had asked of her. Neither wanted to see their friend and mentor continued to be used by this man. Tuvok had not known that Lang had attacked her; he had never liked the man as a suitor for her in the few times he saw them together. Admiral Janeway had been in constant communication with him during his long recovery on Vulcan; even spending two months with him there, but upon her joining with Admiral Lang she had become withdrawn and distant until no communication at all. There was something in the way that Lang had spoken to her tonight, his mannerisms at that moment, the fear he instilled in her that caused Tuvok to remember a time from Kathryn's past; a time when he had become privy to some of her most horrifying memories. He had not told Chakotay precisely what his suspicions were, because he needed undeniable proof, but he had shared some of what he suspected; enough to anger the Native American and put him on guard. Chakotay had been cautious about the investigations, the emotional and physical safety of both his wife and son foremost in his concerns, but after Tuvok shared his information it was enough to cause Chakotay to agree to the investigations. Tuvok was aware he didn't know the entire event's surrounding what he suspected, only Kathryn would know that, and whoever she had or would share that information with; but he suspected she had never told a soul.

After hours of careful research Tuvok had evidence of all the people that Lang had worked with in his early years being sent on mysterious assignments; some never returned from them. This was odd; it was everyone he had ever had even the slightest disagreement with since his leaving the Academy. He had spent many years at the middle ranks and then suddenly been made an Admiral during the Dominion Wars; that was not all that unheard of given the circumstances, but his record was not all that impressive. The bigger picture his investigation showed was concerning, but not the airtight proof he needed to link the man to his most hideous of activities. He had the memories of his former Captain running through his head, but she had never put the pieces together in all her time with the Lang, so he would need undeniable proof.

As he continued to search through records, he suddenly came to something he could use; it was an old file. Even though it was classified he could tell that it had been recently accessed. It was a file that contained information about Kathryn Janeway; and file that had recorded almost 20 years prior and had not been opened once prior to Voyager's return; given the stardate of the file, it would not make sense for the file to have been accessed; even during the debriefings, but it had been accessed since by none other than Admiral Jack Lang. That file required the clearance level of an Admiral to open or determine any other information. He did not have that clearance level, but he knew someone who did; someone who would possibly agree to do it without breaking any rules or protocols and still uphold the secrecy needed regarding the contents of the file. The one person who had always seen Kathryn Janeway had his own daughter. The one person who had lived through some of what she had endured at the hands of the Cardassians; someone who likely already knew what the file contained.

Checking the time difference between San Francisco and Paris, he placed a communication to the home of Admiral Owen Paris.

(+)(+)(+)

_The fact that she would lose everything, her husband, son, friends and any respect Starfleet or the Federation had for her pleased him greatly. A large sinister smile crept across his face as he remembered just how he had happened on the bit of information that put the nail in two marriages and a quadrangle friendship. He had not expected to overhear those juice tidbits, but he was happy to use them. It was the cherry on the top of his sundae for the evening. Poor Tom Paris hadn't been able to resist his dear Admiral's charms and now he had helped seal her fate as well as his own. Jack marveled at his own genius, not only had he ensured that those 'Voyagers' as they called themselves would drop their harlot Admiral, but he had managed to break up the young family of one of his most annoying colleagues. There was no way that angry Maquis Klingon woman would forgive that cheating husband of hers. Paris was a family name that had annoyed and get in his way for too long. If he could destroy Tom Paris so be it; it would destroy that do good Owen to see his 'reformed' convict of a son wasn't so reformed after all. The best part was that it was Owen's dear little 'Katey Janeway' that had destroyed that little family reunion._

_They would all see, they would all know. Voyager's famous Kathryn Janeway would squirm and beg for him to show her mercy once he had stripped everything from her. She might just be so lucky that he let her keep her looks, ugly as she was. She would beg him to kill her before the years end, but he had other ideas for Kathyrn Janeway and her dirty little pussy; he didn't much like the idea of breaking in a new woman._

(+)(+)(+)

They had spent the night closely cuddled together with their young daughter close by on a small pallet. The party the evening before had sufficiently tired out young Miral who had enjoyed herself to no end and loved all the attention her Voyager family gave her; especially young Naomi Wildman, the two children born on Voyager. She had surprised her parents and gone down very quickly; remaining a sleep all night, which is something Miral Paris _never _did. This had given her parents the time they needed to reconnect over the tumultuous events of the evening. Tom could see that his wife had still been shaken up after her long revealing talk with Kathryn. It wasn't surprising, he himself was still feeling sickened by the story of the two women closest to him. He was not stupid, he had looked into the dark eyes of the man who he once called his enemy and now called his brother; he could see that he too had a story to tell. He too had lived through atrocities at the hands of these sickening barbarians. Tom's respect for Chakotay had grown over the years; he had saved his precious B'Elanna from far worse horrors and had forced her to face them in order to save herself. Seeing how tortured Kathryn was made him ten times more thankful that Chakotay had cared enough for B'Elanna and the other women all those years ago to help them heal early on. He knew he would be right beside B'Elanna and would do what he could for Kathryn and Chakotay.

B'Elanna had known that Kathryn was fragile concerning intimacy; she had not allowed herself that for years. The role of a Starfleet Captain had allowed her to distance herself and appear to live happily, but since their return to the Alpha Quadrant B'Elanna had noticed it was more than that. Never in all her mind had she imagined the truth. Now she certainly understood what Kathryn had tried to do when she had come onto Tom; she had been there herself. She still remembered the look in Chakotay's eyes the day she had thrown her naked body at him. Chakotay could have taken her then, but he didn't .and he hadn't taken her in the many times she had offered herself since. Just like Tom hadn't taken Kathryn back in their holiday cottage in Paris. B'Elanna understood it and she could never be annoyed by it; she felt for the pain and shame she knew Tom's rejection instilled in Kathryn, but she hoped that since Chakotay was around that the rejection would fade quickly. She had felt it each and every time Chakotay had refused her. B'Elanna had lashed out in anger, she had needed Chakotay as much as she hated to admit it, and she had needed him and his crew. He had carried out his threats; he really had no intention of keeping a passenger on his ship. It was the first M class planet they found, he came to her in the quarters he had given her; she had been on his ship three weeks by then…

It was hard for B'Elanna realizing just how much Kathryn had been through and how long she had been in that prison of fear. She had always seemed so together, so secure, so Starfleet. B'Elanna had no idea Kathryn had lived in the fear she had been thrown into, she never had a clue that Kathryn, the great and mighty Starfleet Captain might actually understand her, the angry Maquis Klingon. B'Elanna had never thought she would share her story with anyone after she had told Tom that night on Voyager, but she was glad that her story could help her new sister and her beloved brother. She truly loved Kathryn; she just hoped that Kathryn now knew she did not have to go through this alone.

Tom had spent the evening holding her while she let go of the her tension and fears after opening up her most private experiences to another woman in the hopes of freeing both of them. The amount of tension she had still harbored from that experience had surprised her; but having faced her fears and told someone else had been very freeing. Tom had known just how to support her and there was never a doubt that she had his support and love in all ways. She was glad that she had learned not to shut him out when she was emotionally distraught; he always knew just how to support her and give her the space she needed at the same time.

She hoped that Kathryn and Chakotay had experienced just as relaxing and healing of an evening; even if Chakotay had slept on the floor, B'Elanna knew Chakotay, she knew he would and she had no doubt he would do it again if he had to. She was going to talk to her friend when things weren't so raw; the intensity of the love and trust that flew between Kathryn and Chakotay even when they were not agreeing was unbelievable. Amidst her traumas of telling her story, she had witnessed the trust the evening before; it was profound, but it had always been that way between them. B'Elanna had found herself trusting Kathryn from the moment Chakotay took her aside all those years ago and told her he would willingly surrender himself to her authority and asked her to do that same. B'Elanna trusted Chakotay enough, if he was trusting this straight up Starfleet Captain, so was she. B'Elanna knew that if Kathryn trusted Chakotay that much while confronting the unspeakable terrors of her tormented past, then she could surely find the trust she needed to share a bed with the man she loved. Quiet time and cuddling could certainly go a long way to the peace her new sister so desperately needed. Physical intimacy could come much later.

The fact that Kathryn was not letting herself receive the comfort Chakotay could offer concerned B'Elanna deeply. Snuggling deeper into her husband's chest as he slept beneath her, B'Elanna remembered the time she had shared her past with Tom, how it had been those affectionate moments with Tom that had reassured her and gave her the strength to move on. B'Elanna glanced up at her sleeping husband and sighed, she was not sure if she should interfere any more than she already had by confronting Kathryn head-on about not trusting Chakotay; but if B'Elanna was completely honest it was the fact Kathryn had not trusted her which was the reason that had ignited her ire the evening before, that thought had hurt her much more than she ever thought it would. Klingons, even half Klingons, were not usually this prone to admitting when their feelings were hurt, but Kathryn meant that much to her; they both meant that much to her. How could Kathryn Janeway who had known both of them for ten years now not know that B'Elanna would never believe Jack over her; for crying out loud, the woman had shared that Jack Lang had beaten her and that she was pregnant with his child within minutes of arriving on Jupiter station nearly a year before. How could she not trust B'Elanna? It had hurt, but the passion with which B'Elanna had confronted her over that fact had been surprising to even her; then she had made the decision to share her story with her. After that she felt that she should at least offer more support to the woman who had given her the chance at the life she now held so dear. Both she and Tom owed their current life to Kathryn Janeway. Chakotay had saved B'Elanna from death in more ways than one; Kathryn had not been afforded that opportunity for so long, and it was time for that to change. She had not been left alone to flounder on her own; she wasn't going to allow that for Kathryn now. Kathryn had Chakotay as she had Tom, but B'Elanna knew there would be times when Kathryn needed to confide in a woman; she was going to make sure that Kathryn could count on her for anything she needed.

A tear escaped down her face as she lay in Tom's arms thinking about her precious family; she remembered the day Chakotay passed her the PADD telling her it was uncertain if she could have a child or not. She had never wanted a child, but still to be faced with it that way hurt. Now she had a beautiful daughter and an adoring husband; while across the hall she also had a new little nephew and his two amazing parents; both of whom were responsible for saving her from hell. She was scared; this was all new to her, but she would not stop. Tom had helped make her whole, but there was so much work that went into that. She too had found difficulty in trusting him, for as many nights as he helped her learn to trust a man; he also helped her move forward from the experiences that happened when she was just nineteen years old. It had taken time. Sometimes the memories still assaulted her and he was there to help her work through them. She didn't know how to tell Kathryn all of this, but she would find a way. Life could be good; she and Chakotay could make it one step at a time. B'Elanna knew that Kathryn trusted Chakotay with her life, and she loved him; but she wanted Kathryn to know that she could trust Chakotay in all things; that when a man like Chakotay or Tom said they loved you; they loved all of you, the good; the bad, and everything in between.

(+)(+)(+)

_He leaned back in his large chair with his hands laced together over his abdomen, nostrils flared out with each breath he took, eyes squinting, the sinister smile creeping wider across his face; no one could stop him, nor would they catch onto him. Voyager's disgusting whore was not going to win; she would never win._

_Then there was the Borg woman; oh how marvelous it was, young, tall, blonde and that deliciously protruding bust. Chakotay himself had issued the blow that nearly destroyed Kathryn; he, Jack Lang, had only used it to his advantage. The big, dumb Indian Chief had announced his engagement to the beautiful woman half his age without even a backward glance at his precious Captain. It was easy to point out to a poor, heartbroken Kathryn how much more beautiful and attractive the younger woman was; how deliciously more feminine she clearly was for Chakotay. How Seven was the only woman for the newly minted Captain. The absolute heartwarming part was when the pair finally cornered her with their most piercing wound; they had asked her to officiate the ceremony. Watching Kathryn Janeway fall apart at his carefully timed remarks was priceless to Jack. Then the stupid Captain and the Borg bitch ended their pathetic little liaison and Chakotay clearly thought he had the right to just walk back into Kathryn's life and destroy everything Jack had carefully worked to achieve. Jack would not let that happen. His plan to intercept Chakotay's transmissions to her had been easy to carry out and neither of these great 'Delta Quadrant command team geniuses had been clever enough to work it out. She had actually broken down and cried when he told her they had married, oh it was delightful to watch._

_Kathryn had slapped him in the face and stopped his plans dead in their tracks when she arrived home late and made the feeble excuse that she had been with the Borg bitch. Who did she think he was, he was no fool nor was he stupid? He had taken severe precautions to ensure that she did not stray from him. She knew how he felt and still she offered the lame excuse that the Borg had wanted "Spiritual Guidance" from her. She, who was a scientist and therefore did not subscribe to any beliefs that could not be explained by a scientific law, expected him to believe that notion? She had clearly been whoring herself out again when she belonged to him. She was his, his property, his to whore out; she had no right to come home late. She had gained information of Chakotay's split with his Borg dog, clearly she had been paying her old First Officer a visit; after everything he had told her, she had disobeyed him. He had made very sure she understood the rules; he had made it clear she must obey his commands, but clearly her reconnecting with the Indian had made her obstinate and ungrateful. He had gone to great lengths to keep her away form that damn Voyager crew, most of all the lowly Captain, but she had chosen to go against him and visit her little lap dog and he had encouraged her to disobey him. _

_He should have kept his eyes on the Borg dog, he might actually have been happy then, Jack laughed at the cruel twist of fate he had delivered the night before. That same Borg woman who looked at her former Captain with disdain; she blamed the woman for the failure of her relationship with Captain Chakotay. Jack had noticed how cool she was to Kathryn that evening. The fact that Kathryn had moved in with her former paramour the very evening she had learned their engagement had been broken had undoubtedly enraged her. He was sure that the Borg woman was plotting her own revenge against both Kathryn and Captain Chakotay. He might even look her up and offer to help her with that. Her knowledge of Kathryn and her ability to remain close to her without arousing suspicions of those around her would be invaluable. She would definitely work turn against him to work with him. He would take care of a certain Captain once he had taken care of the one woman who could destroy him; and the son she had burdened him with._

(+)(+)(+)

Seven had returned to San Francisco to regenerate after she had left the party in Paris having received orders from Commander Tuvok and Captain Chakotay on the parameters of her assignment. She was still living on Jupiter Station, but like the Torres-Paris's she had taken a month's leave of absence in order to attend the party and catch up with old friends. She had hired a small apartment for the month and it was there she had returned to.

She had been shocked and angry to learn that Admiral Lang had assaulted Admiral Janeway the night she had asked to speak to her about spiritual matters. Admiral Janeway had never mentioned anything; even when she accompanied her to Jupiter Station for the first two weeks of her new assignment. Seven had asked the Admiral to join her as an old friend and mentor, she had been nervous about an assignment away from Voyager and the crew who had become her family. She had grateful when the Admiral had agreed to accompany her. She also appreciated to learn that the Admiral would be discreet and claim to be accompanying her on the pretense of needing a holiday. Seven thought back to that time and was surprised to learn she had not seen all the signs then. How could she have missed them? The Admiral suddenly moved into the home of Captain Chakotay and Seven knew for a fact that she had thought them to be happily married until the evening of her visit. Captain Chakotay's concern for Admiral Janeway seemed to be somewhat deeper than usual when she saw him just a week later before the pair departed for Jupiter Station. Then when Admiral Janeway did accompany her to Jupiter Station, she had a long conversation with her explaining that she and Captain Chakotay were now in a romantic relationship. Seven was happy for them, she had always seen there was something between then and had not wanted her past time with the Captain to effect the happiness he and Admiral Janeway, who had become to her a close friend and mentor, could now share. When Captain Chakotay showed up unexpected on the first morning of their time there, Seven still didn't see what was happening. She wished she had paid more attention, she might have been able to help then.

Raising a silver eyebrow she stood in the meager apartment in San Francisco and sighed; since her return to Earth from the Delta Quadrant she had experienced more than she could understand. The neat little perfection she had built up as a Borg wasn't fitting in on Earth and she was finding herself missing the most obvious things, the problems in Admiral Lang and Admiral Janeway's relationship being one of them.

Though with her being off world, Seven hadn't had much chance to interact with Admiral Janeway or Captain Chakotay and was in fact unable to attend their wedding. This did not mean she did not wish to remain friends with the couple. It was for this reason she had made the effort to return for Admiral Janeway's birthday celebration. Now she didn't know how to feel. She did not hold any grudges against Chakotay or Admiral Janeway; especially now that she understood a whole lot more about their relationship on Voyager. She truly wished them well in the life they were building together.

The news about the attack had hit her hard; she had heavily insisted that she wanted to help protect the Admiral Janeway and her son from that man. Tuvok and Chakotay both had tried to dissuade her, but her commitment had been unrelenting and they had finally agreed when the actually believed she was on her way to assimilate him. She wasn't technically capable of fully assimilating anyone these days, but only the Doctor really knew that for sure. She had told both of them in no uncertain terms that she could be trusted and would start her own investigations if not included in theirs. She had urged Chakotay that he should know her; especially since he had spent many months living with her engaged to be married. Chakotay admitted that he knew he could trust her. He then had sincerely apologized for his treatment of her when they were engaged; which she had readily accepted. The only thing he had done to her was never forget his love for Kathryn; and if she had been more experienced, she would have seen it before they got started; it was THAT evident to everyone. Tuvok had also accepted her involvement rather easily after Chakotay's assurance that she could be trusted. For everyone was so sure that she was disgruntled, but in truth she had not been; they just didn't know her well enough; just like most people didn't know Kathryn Janeway enough. It was hard to think about, so instead she blocked it and started on her task.

Tuvok had been explicit on the parameters she was to abide by. She was to investigate all activities related to Admiral Jack Lang prior to Voyager's launch without deviating from Starfleet protocols. If she found anything she was to take it straight to him or Captain Chakotay and was forbidden to speak to anyone else, especially Admiral Janeway about any of it; even if ordered. To release any information could have grave consequences for Admiral Janeway and her young child.

Several hours later and Seven of Nine could recite the entire record of Admiral Jack Elvin Lang, son of Admiral John Jacob Lang and Emerald Hammond, born in Australia, but raised off world on Kainik III. He had often been distant and estranged from his father; he even permanently changed his name from John Elvin Lang to escape sharing a name with his father, but followed in his footsteps in Starfleet. His record had been rather bland during her assigned search period. The only item of interest was an apparent leave of absence he had taken for about a year 17 years prior. He had been assigned to a ship that had been delayed for a deep space mission. He had not been reassigned so officially he was in limbo during that timeframe as she could not find record of him serving anywhere or being on official leave. It was possible that his activities had been classified, but that information was usually noted by a restricted file and simply nothing existed, he wasn't even listed as a civilian. For seven years, right at the height of the Dominion and Cardassian War, Admiral Jack Lang simply was not in existence. It was as if that timeframe did not exist.

"Curious" she found herself murmuring to herself as she raised an eyebrow. The first thing she would do in the morning would be to report this information to Captain Chakotay as ordered.

(+)(+)(+)

Kathryn was content; she had never felt more content in her life that she did at this exact moment. She was scared after he had asked her what she wanted, but surprisingly she was not fearful when laid down beside her and had pulled her into a soft cuddle. Her husband had promised her that she would have all the time she needed and she knew he meant it; though she was still heavily moved by the fact he had asked her what she wanted. She was lying in silence wrapped in her husband's arms as he gently stroked her shoulders in perfect rhythm with her breathing. "Beautiful," Chakotay's deep voice broke into her silent thoughts.

"What?" she questioned looking up at him to meet his eyes.

"Your shoulders," he told her issuing his famous dimpled smile as he leaned in to plant a small, gentle kiss on the tip of her tiny nose.

Kathryn let out a small giggle before raising her eyebrow and responding, "We all have them Chakotay, they aren't anything special."

Chakotay flashed his dimples at her once more and whispered in a deep voice "They are your shoulders Kathryn Janeway, and they are beautiful." She drew her brows together obviously confused at what the point was. He smiled and said, "I first had the honor of seeing them when you were dripping wet, wrapped in a towel and frightened of a foot high monkey." At the mention of that memory she snorted and laughed as she sank deeper into his embrace, "from that moment on I knew I was in love with you. I knew one day you would be my wife."

Kathryn turned to look at him and was about to say something in return when a soft knock at the door broke into their moment. Her eyes went wide as she looked at him to see what he would do. Reaching up he cupped the back of her head leading her down to him as he kissed her forehead before quickly slipping out from under her to walk towards the now closed and bolted door. Kathryn sighed and closed her eyes as she watched him. Turning her back to the door Kathryn sunk down into the bed and closed her eyes as she pulled the blanket over her head. Chakotay watched her do this, but did nothing to stop her as he approached the door he called, "Yes?"

"Chakotay, I am sorry to bother you, but there are some arrangements that need to be made for the afternoon meal before guests arrive. I need to ask you about several items," sighed Tom through the door sounding genuinely apologetic for the interruption.

Kathryn let out what could only be described as a growl before she poked her head out over the blanket and turned her body slightly to watch as Chakotay glanced back at her. She narrowed her eyes at him and shook her head. Chakotay was sure her famous Janeway death glare was going to come next. Chakotay just looked apologetically at her which caused her to hiss, "What happened to just being your wife?" before she turned from him and burrowed further under the covers. Chakotay had known her long enough to know she wasn't happy with the arrangement, but she didn't mind him doing what needed tending to. Turning back to the door he began to answer Tom, "Sure, give me a minute and I will be right out." He walked a few paces back to the bed and spoke in hushed tones to the lump of blankets; not wanting to be overheard, "Love, are you sure you will be okay?"

Slowly, she unwrapped herself from the blanket, lying flat on her back she looked up at him, "Yes," she sighed. Reaching up, she placed her hand on his chest with a weary smile on her face to reassure him, "I could use some time to collect myself before everyone gets here."

He wasn't convinced it was the best thing to do, but he knew that Kathryn had been through much in the last day and probably could use some time. He knew she wasn't entirely happy with him leaving; neither was he, but she was right; she would need to be more collected before facing the rest of the crew. He started to step toward the door when he asked one final thing, "Love, would you like me to take our son so you could have some time alone?" Then she did shoot him a death glare, Chakotay was surprised at her reaction, but then realized she was nodding towards the still closed doors, a smile playing on her lips. Chakotay snorted quietly, bent down and kissed her lips gently before whispering, "I promise not to let Tom corrupt him."

She looked up at him and smiled slightly, "See that you don't; one Tom Paris in this world is enough." Chakotay laughed and retrieved the still sleeping child from the cot. "If he needs feeding call me," she whispered half not wanting to part from either of her men. Though she and Chakotay had stopped their passionate affections earlier, she still had relished being held; even enjoying the feel of him caressing her naked shoulders. She was going to have to sleep with him more often.

"I will see to it. Take some time to yourself and I will be back up to see you before the start of the party," Chakotay told her as he kissed her cheek and he cradled their son in his arms.

Returning to the door, Chakotay unbolted the lock and opened the door to reveal Tom and Miral Paris. The child was sucking on some kind of a candy and had gotten most of it on her collar. She looked adorably mischievous; just like both her parents as children he imagined. As he stepped through the threshold and into the hall B'Elanna appeared at the top of the stairs just behind her husband carrying a small bag and a cup. She looked more than a bit distracted and there was something else about her countenance he could not place. Following Chakotay's gaze, Tom turned around to look at his wife. She had left the room several hours before saying she needed sometime to herself and asking if he would see to Miral's care. Knowing she only asked for space when she really needed it, he had not asked anything further. He had kissed her before letting her leave and she had clung tightly to his reassuring hug, so he was sure she had needed some space to contemplate the night before. Tom was not sure what to make of his wife's current state, if he was honest he was concerned, and judging by the look on Chakotay's face, so was he. B'Elanna on the other hand, had appeared not to notice as she scowled at her husband as she reached the top of the stairs; he really was the last person she needed to run into right now.

Miral proudly showed her mother the half-eaten candy as B'Elanna knelt down, whispering something in Klingon to her daughter before looking up and snapping at Tom, "you better get her clean before the party." Tom raised his hands in defense as Chakotay stifled a laugh, which earned him a glare from the angry Klingon. B'Elanna then sighed as she stood and glanced at both men before turning towards Chakotay and said, "I need to talk to her…alone please."

Trying to preserve Kathryn's time alone and leery of B'Elanna's mood, Chakotay started to reply, but the door to the room cracked slightly and Kathryn answered, "I will see B'Elanna, but only her please."

Though Chakotay was skeptical, considering both the women's current state; he wasn't in the habit of stopping his wife from seeing her friends, so he moved aside to let B'Elanna by. Tom put his hand on his wife's shoulder and she turned toward him and said, "Tom, I am okay, but I need to see her….girl talk." Tom kissed her forehead and she turned and proceeded through the door.

As she approached it opened just wide enough to grant her passage, but not show Kathryn to anyone outside. B'Elanna entered with the cup held out in front of her; revealing to her friend its contents. "Oh Spirits, I would LOVE some," the husky voice behind the door exclaimed as the smell of coffee had greeted her nostrils. It was then that the men noticed the aroma of the liquid the cup held. Both smiled a knowing smile at each other as the door closed and the bolt was replaced after them. B'Elanna certainly knew the woman she was visiting.

Kathryn had not taken the time to bother about the way she looked; she had moved toward the door when she had hear B'Elanna speak to Miral, and thus stood with her dress half off her shoulders from where Chakotay had half taken it off her and her hair mussed. Noticing her state, and she quickly put the cup down and pulled her dress over her shoulders and tried to smooth her hair down conscious of her appearance.

B'Elanna was not sure what to say, it suddenly felt awkward; she had been full of so many emotions since their last talk had concluded. When she had left Tom early that morning, she had gone down to the bar hoping to find a way to soothe her intense feelings and immediately gazed on the broken replicator along the hall. It was the perfect thing. She needed something to vent on, and it needed to work. Ah hour later she had gone to the back room to return the tools when she returned just in time to see Chakotay creeping up the stairs with a mug of coffee. Smiling B'Elanna had watched him with a smile on his face carrying his precious drink for his wife. It had made her feel just a bit better that she had fixed something that would allow her friends to enjoy a small cup of comfort. The remainder of the morning she had taken to replicating things that would be needed later as she continued to calibrate the sensors on the old replicator. She had also used the time to contemplate Kathryn some more. There wasn't more she could do; until it occurred to her that perhaps Kathryn would be as embarrassed as she was the first time she saw Tom after opening up to him. Knowing what she had to do she had filled a bag with a few replicated items and headed up the stairs before turning around and replicating a cup of coffee; never know when it might just get her through the door. She didn't feel like busting it down today, she was much more subdued than normal; so much depended on how this talk went and she wasn't even sure of what she was going to say. She had been surprised to find the door open with Chakotay and Caleb standing there talking to Tom and Miral. Standing before Kathryn she was a nervous mess and Kathryn probably knew it. The two women stood in silence with Kathryn's back to B'Elanna; neither knowing what to do next. In truth Kathryn was just a nervous as B'Elanna, the way she ran her index finger round the rim of the coffee mug showed this.

Sensing the need to start somewhere, B'Elanna took a cleansing breath and addressed the woman who stood in front of her, "I thought you might like some coffee." She knew it sounded weak the moment it left her lips; she was looking at the bag in her hands while she tried desperately to find the words to say to the woman who turned to look at her.

"I most certainly appreciate the coffee," Kathryn said with a nervous smile as she lifted the already half-finished mug. "Wherever did you and Chakotay both find such good coffee so quickly? The replicators where a mess before we retired last night."

Thankful for a safe subject, B'Elanna looked up to meet Kathryn's gaze as she shrugged and answered, "Well, I'm an engineer." Kathryn knew what she meant by that and smiled as B'Elanna continued, "he found a working replicator and I was glad to have helped; though he didn't see me."

"I am very glad you did that, but you don't need to be fixing replicators in the early dawn hours; you probably needed some rest," replied Kathryn.

"I needed a project," offered the young woman as she continued to stare at the bag in her hands. She had become fixated on a small thread that was loose on the trim. "I have never…I mean I don't...I mean…I hope….I, oh," B'Elanna stumbled to get the words out. Why was she so nervous? She knew why, well mostly. After several more seconds of uncomfortable silence, she found her courage and softly started, "I'm…I'm sorry I was so angry and practically banged the door off its hinges last night; I know you probably wished to be alone last night."

Kathryn stood silent for several seconds before lifting her eyes to look at a very nervous half-Klingon who appeared more vulnerable that she ever remembered. Studying B'Elanna closely for a few more seconds, Kathryn lowered her gaze and asked in a barely audible whisper, "Are you also sorry that you talk to me last night….about your time?"

Quickly reacting to both Kathryn's emotionally charged tone and her question, B'Elanna urgently responded, "No, I feel good about having shared it with you; if anything, I am nervous about what you think …think about…think about me?" B'Elanna stammered closer to tears than she wanted to admit, but she needed to know how Kathryn felt about her and what she had shared about herself.

Kathryn stood there a bit stunned as she processed B'Elanna's response; struggling to maintain her composure as she felt her tears threatening to fall as well she softly answered, "I don't think that I have ever had a friend open themselves up to me like that before." Feeling the weight of the conversation, Kathryn moved to sit down on the small bed and gestured toward the small wicker chair for B'Elanna.

Relieved that Kathryn didn't think poorly of her, but wanting to apologize for her anger the day before, she repeated her plea from before, "Will you forgive me for my loud and angry appearance at your door last night?" She held her breath as she waited for an answer.

Seeing the anticipation of her answer in the young woman sitting opposite her, Kathryn closed her eyes and whispered, "I should be asking you to forgive me," as the tears rolled down her cheek. "I know you came out of friendship, and I am grateful that you even wanted to talk to me after what I have done to you. I should not have assumed I knew why you were upset."

Immediately B'Elanna shot up and looked straight at her friend and mustered her most sincere and serious tone, "I have been there Kathryn; I don't condemn you and neither does Tom; realizing how cruel Jack really is was horrible…his little appearance cut me deep, and I am not referring to his little word play about you and Tom. Look, I don't have many personal female friends Kathryn; I am thankful for you and I want you for able to take count on me as your friend through all this. Heck, I actually mean you can count on me as more than a friend; I love you and that is really what upset me the most; thinking you didn't trust me when you are one of the few people in this world I care deeply about."

Kathryn felt the weight of her friend's words pierce through the shield she kept tightly ensconced around her heart as the tears continued. "I don't know if you want to offer that B'Elanna, I might take you up on it," Kathryn said deeply touched by B'Elanna's love and acceptance. B'Elanna had taken her by surprise, but she knew the young woman meant what she said; neither woman joked about those things; and Kathryn knew just how seriously B'Elanna considered family as she had seen how closely B'Elanna had considered Chakotay.

Standing to walk the two paces to the bed where Kathryn sat, B'Elanna took a seat next to her and took her hands in her own as she willed Kathryn to look at her. When Kathryn's eyes met hers, both women stared at each other with open and vulnerable hearts. B'Elanna broke the silent moment and said, "I mean every word Kathryn Janeway. You have been dearer to me than just about any other woman in my life. You gave me a chance to make something of my life I could be proud of and I hope I have made you half as proud of my professional career as I have been made happy by the chance you gave me at a personal life. There would be no Tom and B'Elanna or Miral if you had not taken a chance on a convicted criminal and allowed an outlaw band of Maquis to join your ship. You took another chance and made me your Chief Engineer even though you had others qualified. I know that I gave you a hard time, but I loved out there; I just didn't know how to tell you how much I needed what you brought me. The harder I pushed you away, the harder you brought me back in and gave me the dignity I needed to move forward. I was scared as hell to tell anyone those things; disgusted with myself even. I have felt imprisoned by those final barriers for so long, it was good to finally tell someone...and not have to worry that it was going to be gossip. When I told Tom, it was hard and I was so ashamed and scared he would turn and run that I literally had to call Chakotay to fill in most of what I was trying to say…Tom heard it all, but most of it didn't come straight from my mouth. Last night was the first time it finally did; and that is partly because I felt safe with all of you and partly because I don't want you to suffer not having the comfort of your husband. It took me a long time to feel like I could trust Tom with my affections and there were lots of times we just kissed and cuddled."

Kathryn could not believe that strength of the words she was hearing. She was moved beyond words for several minutes. She squeezed B'Elanna's hands and then released them as she moved to hug her friend, "I won't share the things you have confided; not even with Chakotay…well the stuff he might not know," Kathryn added as she realized that Chakotay did know everything that B'Elanna had shared.

"The same goes for me," B'Elanna added, "I know that sometimes you just need a woman to talk to."

"I think we will be seeing each other around," Kathryn added as she finished the coffee that B'Elanna had entered with.

"Okay, then we should be getting ready for later. Since I fixed the replicator I took the liberty of replicating clean clothes for us. I know that I don't like sleeping in clothes that I am wearing the next day."

Kathryn was glad to hear that she would not be attending the party wearing the same thing she had the evening before. She could have a shower and wear clean clothes. "Sounds like the best thing I have heard all day," said Kathryn.

"Oh, really?" replied B'Elanna as she let her eyes fall on the beautiful pendant her friend she wore , letting Kathryn replay the words she had just spoken in her head B'Elanna smiled.

Kathryn quickly began to blush as she was clearly remembering all that she heard that day and the kisses that she had shared with her husband. Slowly as large smile swept across her face.

Suddenly quite curious about the blushing and remembering the state of dress Kathryn was in when she arrived, B'Elanna patiently waited for Kathryn to open her eyes. When she did, B'Elanna was smiling and asked, "Care to share?"

Kathryn pondered the question and then decided that as much as these two had shared in the last several weeks and hours, and their very fresh promise of confidentiality that she could share just a bit. "Um…I...I was just thinking about how nice it felt to be held by my husband as we slept last night." There, she had just told her friend that she had slept in the same bed as her husband.

B'Elanna wanted to shout for joy, but she merely let the smile that formed across her face and up into her eyes to be seen by her friend. Kathryn did trust Chakotay enough to feel safe in his arms. "Nice necklace," was all B'Elanna offered, nothing more needed to be said; it was a big first step.

Kathryn snorted at the hidden meaning behind the words her friend had offered and replied, "Thanks, it is a birthday present."

B'Elanna looked closely at it before smiling and whispered, "I am not sure that's all it is." Sensing that it was time to part, B'Elanna rose and told her friend one more tidbit, "Oh and I am not sure if you have noticed, but the rooms have old fashioned bath tubs; I replicated some salts for you too."

Kathryn was thrilled to hear about that news; a nice bath and clean clothes. Rising to let B'Elanna out, Kathryn pulled the younger woman into a very tight and intense hug, but spoke no words…they just weren't needed. When they let go, B'Elanna left Kathryn alone in the room to prepare for the guests that would arrived in a short while.


	84. Chapter 84

**Chapter 84.**

**As far as needing a warning this chapter isn't too bad…. Besides I do feel anyone who has problems with the more 'darker' stories have likely given up on this ridiculously long story…. But if your one of the few still reading this…. Please do enjoy the next installment. Sorry for the long gap in-between. It takes so long to write them and try my best to get it right. I also have a wonderful beta now who is helping with my appalling spelling and grammar issues as well as being a creative genius in the idea's area but this all takes time…. So once again a really huge thank you to 'Toriemil' because she's just awesome in this writing project and it's as much hers as it is mine! – Enjoy.**

Kathryn sat in an old fashioned iron claw foot tub that operated to 24th century standards. For some reason every muscle in her body had been sore and while she had hoped to spend the last few hours before the party wrapped in her husband's arms she was grateful for B'Elanna for her visit and for tipping her off about the bath. Now that she was finally alone and relaxing into the warm rose smelling bubbled water, she felt her tense and sore body relaxing. She had expected the water to lose its heat very quickly, but surprisingly it had remained hot and steamy for well over an hour. The modern tubs even had metering systems for the slow release of salts and bubbles. The salts that B'Elanna had replicated were divine; just what she needed to relax the sore stressed muscles. It had only taken her minutes after B'Elanna's departure from her room to carefully pin up her hair and got in the tub to relax; she could now at least admit she was in desperate need of some time alone to sort things out in her now very confused mind before she met with all her friends and family. A smile crept across her face at that thought-friends, until now she had never seen herself as having friends, she was always their Commanding Officer; maybe only Chakotay had been her friend, as much as she had allowed him to be, but now everything was different. Now the entire Voyager crew and their families seemed to want to be her friend; as for everything else she didn't really know how to feel at the moment. She had taken steps forward, but she was also worried about how she was going to maintain her balance now that her most painful secrets; the ones she had long held deep within her, were trickling out along with along with her tightly held tears. A fresh wave welled in her eyes as she remembered the fear she felt when B'Elanna came up to the room to confront her; and the powerfulness of her support and embraces during the evening before and just a bit ago. Each time they spent together recently resulted in the baring of some part of their souls; something neither woman had ever done, especially about the subject they were sharing. She felt very accepted by both Tom and B'Elanna, but had really been surprised at how strongly she felt towards B'Elanna. It was a very welcome surprise; especially since she was her new sister-in-law. She had always known B'Elanna and Chakotay were close, she had never known how close. Once, a very long time ago, when their journey together was still quite new and Kathryn wasn't sure if she could trust B'Elanna, she had invited the young woman to her Ready Room to try to get to know her better. She had made some comment to the half Klingon then about how protective Chakotay was of her; B'Elanna's response had been, "let's just say we've been through a few scrapes together." Sitting there in that bath Kathryn let her eyes shut, she really had no idea back then just what "a few scrapes" really meant.

With her mind wondering about B'Elanna and all they had been through and how they hadn't always gotten along on Voyager, Kathryn found herself remembering how furious B'Elanna was when she had used the Cardassian Crell Moset's unethical experiment's to save her life. B'Elanna had insisted she didn't want that and Chakotay had been furious with Kathryn for contemplating going against B'Elanna's wishes. Kathryn remembered when her First Officer had come privately to her almost begged her to not do it; when she had pointed out to him B'Elanna would die if she didn't he had stood tall and nodded saying, "don't do this to her." Kathryn had been shocked then at his response, how he had seemingly been willing to let this friend die just to fulfill wishes based on her anger at another race. She had not taken the time then to ask him why he supported her or consider if he was willing to let her die then maybe there was a deeper reason why she was refusing. Instead she had made the choice base on what she thought was best for the crew, but if she was honest she had been scared to lose B'Elanna too. She had also been begged by a very upset Tom Paris who had begged her to allow the Doctor to use the objectionable expert to save the woman he loved. After making the decision Chakotay had growled in her ear, "She won't thank you, and neither will I." He had been right; B'Elanna was furious, Kathryn herself had gone to see her and had been hurt by her lack of respect or understanding of the choice she had made. Chakotay had all but refused to mention the matter ever again telling her, "I asked you not to do this, as did B'Elanna. I asked you to respect her wishes and still you chose to do this. I didn't stop you. I didn't fight you. You are, and always will be, my Captain and I will support you in whatever decision you make, but please do not ask me to like what you did here and do not expect B'Elanna to either" he had simply stared at her furiously and little longer before standing and saying deeply "excuse me I have a friend to visit" and then he was gone. That was the only time he had ever mentioned the matter to her again, life in the Delta Quadrant had moved on and, as promised, Chakotay was always at Kathryn's side, but she had always known she had hurt him then. She hadn't understood why then, but it was all too clear to her now. A tear rolled down her face as she remembered that incident; had she known then what she knew now; she wasn't sure she would have made the same choice. How could she do that to somebody knowing what she knew? Yet Tom had known and he had chosen to fight for the life of the woman he loved. The thoughts still hung with her; she remembered leaving B'Elanna and Chakotay that day as the Captain and returned to her quarters where she let Kathryn mourn the extreme stress the incident had caused her personally. She didn't let herself cry often, but on a few occasions she had. These days she seemed to cry all the time, but she also felt that she was spending more time in control of herself as Kathryn; especially with her husband.

All this thinking of B'Elanna reminded Kathryn that she never had answered B'Elanna's question about Jack; a small part of her was sorry she hadn't…at least it would already be out, and then she wouldn't have to worry about it. Then she could completely face Chakotay again, as well as B'Elanna and the others without worrying what they thought, but she felt she still needed a little bit more time before those secrets were out. She needed to feel like herself again; something she hadn't done for a long time. She knew she could trust Chakotay with anything; she had trusted him with her life for years, but Kathryn wasn't sure who she wanted to confide her life with Jack to. She wasn't even if sure if she could or should talk; logically it seemed like she needed to, but this wasn't about logic and she wasn't a Vulcan. She knew she wanted to show Chakotay the love she felt for him and share the life that they both had desired for almost the last decade, but that meant breaking free of chains her life had been trapped in for so long. She needed to give him everything she could; she needed to give him her full self.

She had known for a while that the time was swiftly coming for her to talk about her life with Jack. His appearance the night before had caught her off guard; Kathryn was surprised she had made it this long without having to confront what his abusive treatment had done to her. Living in Chakotay's house for over a year now had helped her forget how it felt to constantly be on guard, to be terrorized and used in her own home, to be too frightened to leave that home fearing she had nowhere safe to go. Life in Chakotay's house was very calm and quiet; even when he was around, which he was quite a lot. Calm and quiet, much like him; but her life with Jack had been very different; there was never a peaceful moment with Jack. Sinking deeper into the warm water, she kept her eyes closed as she contemplated having the strength and courage to be able to voice her time with Jack.

The thought of someone knowing the things she did horrified her; her eyes shot open suddenly at the horror of her thoughts, her pale hands gripped the side of the bath and her breathing quickened until she almost started hyperventilating. Could she ever tell Chakotay or even B'Elanna? Chakotay had already heard some of the harsh things that Jack had to say to and about her; and not once had he walked away from her or belittled her for every falling for Jack. Chakotay had done quite the opposite actually; he kept telling her that he loved her completely and always would no matter what, but could he after knowing everything? Everything in her wanted to believe him; wanted him to know she believed him, but something in her couldn't see how he ever could actually mean what he said. She wanted to trust him completely; she loved him like no other, and had for many years; but it was so hard to trust anyone after what she had been through. She had always trusted Chakotay; he had never tried to hurt her, but she knew she had never opened up to him completely, not even after she had her son and then married him only a few short weeks ago.

Chakotay had been taken in by Jack's lies for a short period at the beginning. Jack had deviously used Chakotay's insecurities to plant doubts into his mind about why Kathryn hadn't allowed their relationship on Voyager. The emotions that Chakotay had been forced to lock deep down inside him all those years has bubbled to the surface where Jack skillfully twisted and manipulated Chakotay's distraught insecurities about Kathryn and their relationship. Jack had made Chakotay believe she had used him. It had hurt her to see Chakotay so angry with her; believing Jack's manipulations, but what had scared Kathryn the most the morning he had come to Jupiter Station in a rage was that she had done exactly what Jack had said. She had used her femininity to get what she needed from the men around her in the past; something she did to survive, it was almost second nature, but not Chakotay! Spirit's, never Chakotay! Her love for him had always been pure, genuine and real. She also had not used that tactic to get her crew home as Jack had insinuated. Of course, she had since admitted that part of her past to Chakotay, but a small part of her couldn't help remembering the look of anger and disgust in his eyes that morning on Jupiter Station. Knowing how much Chakotay had been in love with her for years; a love she pushed away for almost nine years; helped her see how Chakotay easily fell for Jack's lies when his heart was so battered. Jack was a gifted liar; he had used facts to manipulate his lies so Chakotay would see it as real. He knew how to weave just enough truth into a situation to cause even the most clear headed person to cast doubt on their beliefs, so when he saw that Chakotay would be bothered by information about Kathryn's past; Jack exploited it. Jack had known Chakotay, blinded by the hurt of unrequited love, would go to Kathryn and confront her. He was betting that Kathryn would think he had been told all the sordid details of her past, and would run scared from him; giving Jack just a bit of the revenge he so wanted against both of them. Jack had not guessed it would end in the former Command Duo's engagement.

She knew she should trust Chakotay's love more easily, but her shame had been deeply rooted in her for the last 20 years and because she loved him with all her heart she was scared he would reject her. Few things ever worked for her personally; her professional career was accomplished, but it had come at the huge expense of her personal life; which was heavily scarred from that mission in Cardassia, Tau Ceti Prime, seven years in the Delta Quadrant, and nearly two years with Jack commanding her every breath. Jack had quickly taken the self-confidence and security she had managed to regain while on Voyager and almost completely obliterated it…almost. The night Jack had beat senseless her for coming home late was the last straw; with the first blow she took, something in her snapped that reminded her that she did have people out there who cared about her…she didn't have to live with Jack. She was afraid he would soon kill her at the rate he was taking things and she fought back for the first time. Kathryn fought for her life that night as she overpowered Jack and had the courage she needed to leave without considering what would happen when he found out she was gone…and had no plans to come back. Pure instinct took her to Chakotay's home that night; she had been just as surprised as he was to find herself there as she stood a bloody mess in the pouring rain on his doorstep. Something in her knew he wouldn't turn her away; just as long as she didn't tell him what she had been doing with Jack. Chakotay hadn't turned her away…and he hadn't attached any conditions on her staying with him…none at all. Knowing Chakotay she should have known he would take her with open arms, but she hadn't really been thinking completely rationally. Perhaps the news that he and Seven had parted ways months prior had subconsciously given her the courage to break away when Jack's anger took the last straw. All hope she thought she had for her love for Chakotay had been set aside to allow her Protégé that relationship; believing they had married in a small private ceremony was worse than being asked to perform the ceremony, but finding out that relationship had long ended and there had never been a marriage had given her a new glimmer of hope. She remembered the surprised look in Chakotay's eyes as he opened the door, then the shock, then the terror, then the love. That look of love as he took her inside and began to gently and compassionately tend to her wounds and the pure surprise she felt at how gentle his touch on her battered body had shocked her. She remembered back to the fear she felt when she asked him if she could stay that night, and the surprise when he had given her the spare room and forced nothing on her. For the first time since shortly after returning to the Alpha Quadrant, someone was treating her with dignity. Finding out she was pregnant just a few short hours later had been devastating; she had wanted children, but had always imagined that she would be in love with the father; not having the baby of the man who had spent the better part of nearly two years brutalizing and belittling her both privately and publically at times and terrorizing her into submission. Now she had spent the last year growing closer to the man she loved; albeit slowly, giving her sweet son a warm and loving home. It was a strange feeling that it was Chakotay who had provided everything her son needed, even teaching her initially how to care for a new born child, helping her grow in her parenting skills, even giving up his study to become a custom made nursery for her son. It had been Chakotay's idea to at least inform Jack of the child his culture was always traditional. She had finally made up to mind to tell Jack and Chakotay had gone with her that fateful day…the day Jack unequivocally disavowed the child and any desire to be connected to him, but now Jack had come to make a claim…just to hurt her. Chakotay had been everything a father should be and she hadn't even asked, she still refused to sleep in the same room as him and now she was even his wife! Though she had only seen Jack a few times; she lived with the scars he inflicted on her every day; some days she feared him more than she had the Cardassians captors.

Kathryn's body had begun to stiffen again when she thought of Jack. If she was going to face the rest of the Voyager family she needed to start relaxing and regain her composure that was the whole point of this bath after all. Refocusing her thoughts and efforts to calm down she willed her body to relax as she again leaned back in the tub. Kathryn was in many ways looking forward to her upcoming party, it had been lovely for Chakotay to surprise her with the party and to see all her Voyager family together, but since Jack's arrival she had also been worried more than a bit that she might be unable to hold herself together in front of them. Mike had been so lovely with her the night before; she wondered if she could hold it together so soon but was beginning to see her Voyager family would still support her. Realizing those negative thoughts still filled her mind; she started to methodically try to sort her thoughts in an attempt to regain her composure. Her thoughts rested on the most beautiful moment she had shared with her husband earlier when he had given her his beautiful gift; one she still had affixed around her neck. Raising her hand to where the beautiful eagle and rose pendant hung she ran her fingers over its tiny face and smiled warmly at the memory. Chakotay's beautiful words had enveloped her heart in a warm hug and she never wanted it to stop. His beautiful smile, his protective stance, his support and concern for all those he cared for. Once he vowed to protect you he would not stop. She remembered only the night before when B'Elanna had shown up in anger; he had grabbed her really hard to stop her from getting to Kathryn. He had his dear friend and little sister with her arm twisted behind her back and he threatened to toss her just to protect Kathryn. Kathryn sat in the bath and suddenly remembered that look of pain B'Elanna gave as he grabbed her and the fury in Chakotay's eyes. Tears began to fall again as her mind fought to process the differences in the worlds that she had lived in since Voyager returned. She was actually safe with Chakotay, safe from anything; but she still hadn't transferred that faith in their relationship. Jack had controlled and confined her like some pet he could keep in a cage; whereas Chakotay had given her space and freedom to do what she wanted, when she wanted; to see her friends; to stay late at work; to be alone if she wanted; or to sit and laugh with him sipping wine in the moonlight until the early hours of the morning. Afterwards he would respectfully let her go to her own bed in a separate room; even after their marriage and during their hunnymoon in Paris, which Kathryn had to remind herself she was still on, without so much as a suggestive glance. Jack had drugged her and forced her to do his bidding whenever he commanded. He kept her on a short leash; punishing her when she slipped from his commands. Jack undressed her whenever he felt like it and refused to give her clothes, sometimes hours and days at a time. Naked and begging was a favorite of his. Jack had been monstrous and shown her no mercies in his demands, but Chakotay was kind and respectful; even when he was upset, he never came close to the terror Jack instilled in her on his better days. Usually he would walk off and let her be rather than confront her head on, then he would come back and make her dinner after which they would work through the difference; at least agreeing to disagree. With Jack she felt terrified, rejected, and deeply ashamed, but with Chakotay she felt safe, protected and supported. Two very different worlds, and there was no question where she wanted to be, but she found it hard to know how to begin. Thinking of Chakotay's reaction to her past gave her the calm strength she needed to face confiding Jack's abuse to Chakotay in the safety of her marriage, but she wasn't quite sure when to begin. This day, the day of her party was not the day to do it; she didn't know when she would do it, but she hoped that she wouldn't lose the nerve to do it before she was able to start.

The more she tried to stop thinking about it, the more she realized that she still held onto the fear she lived with during her time with Jack; it consumed her as she continued to think about all that was…and the tears began to fall in earnest; her tiny frame wracked with quiet sobs as her body released years of pent up stress, fears, and shame that she had never allowed herself to grieve; not even in private. She knew that the party was due to begin in another two hours or so and that her husband would soon return with their son to get ready. She didn't want to be sobbing in the bath; she would not let him see her this way, not now, not ever, she couldn't be this weak. She let out the water amidst a wave of tears and pulled the large bath towel around her small frame as she stepped out of the tub, but she caught her reflection in the mirror and those old, deeply buried horrors began to resurface faster than she could chase them away and she became overwhelmed. The deluge of emotions was so heavy that her body just slumped to the floor in a heap of trembling sobs.

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"Captain Proton to Captain Chakotay?" Tom grinned at Chakotay's somewhat vacant expression where he stood holding a banner to decorate the hall.

"What?" Chakotay asked slowly looking upwards to the younger man staring down at him.

Tom surveyed Chakotay for a second, the older man wasn't quite himself, taking two steps down from the ladder so he was slightly more on Chakotay's eye level, he asked, "Are you ok?"

"Yes, sorry Tom," Chakotay said trying to brush his concern aside, "you want the pool table back?"

"She'll be ok," Tom said as he rested his hand on Chakotay's shoulder, "Look at B'Elanna, she just needs time."

Chakotay stared at Tom before asking, "Speaking of B'Elanna, is she ok after last night?" Chakotay was concerned for his sister just as much as he was for his wife. Tom nodded slowly, but didn't quite look convinced. Chakotay stared at him and demanded, "Tom?"

"She'll be fine, you know Lanna!" Tom insisted to which Chakotay smiled his great beaming smile.

Chakotay added, "She'll be Klingon about it," to which Tom laughed.

"She is not quite as Klingon as she makes out to be on the outside," to which both men laughed knowingly. As Chakotay handed Tom the banner he had been trying to pin up on the wall, Tom asked casually, "How's Kathryn?"

Chakotay took in a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair saying, "She tries to be ok, you know, but she's not Klingon."

Tom turned to Chakotay and added, "The problem is there is still so much more locked in there, so much she needs to get out."

Chakotay nodded, both men knew Tom was right, but just then Seven arrived; giving Tom a quick glance, she turned and addressed the older man, "Captain Chakotay, I need of a word with you in private, if I may?"

Chakotay gave Tom a confused glance and shrugged. Chakotay looked back at Seven and saw no emotion, nothing that would let on what she wanted, "Seven, I am in the middle of helping Tom right now I-"

"I need to talk now," his tall, slim ex-fiancé firmly insisted.

Chakotay met her eyes for a second and then let out a heavy breath as he rolled his eyes and turned back up to Tom, "I'll be back as quick as I can."

"You better be, we have a lot to plan," Tom told him as he lowered from the ladder. "I'll go and see how Mrs. Janeway is getting on with Caleb and Miral."

Chakotay smiled, "Thanks Tom," Chakotay smiled, "she's got Naomi helping too."

Tom laughed and said, "I think my mum and dad might have rescued her by now."

Chakotay laughed too, but his dimpled smile faltered as he turned back to the dead –pan expression of the ex-borg. Seven led him aside where he hissed at her, "all right Seven, what have you got?"

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After his hushed conversation with Seven where he learnt of Jack's apparent absence from all records for a considerable period of time, Chakotay had been going over and over Jack's image in his head. Had he come met this man somewhere before? Tuvok had quietly indicated that his own investigation had yielded results, but that it was best discussed at a later time. When he met with Tuvok he would relay Seven's findings. Unable to do anymore with the investigation until later, Chakotay had returned to help Tom. Chakotay, Tom, and a few of the other Voyagers who had joined in preparing for the continuation of Kathryn's celebration had just finished up and were about to head upstairs to clean up. Those closest to Kathryn were concerned about how she was going to handle facing the rest of the Voyager family considering Jack's accusations from the night before and her fragile emotional state. Deciding that having multiple entertainment options was the best course to keeping everyone busy, Tom and Chakotay had lined up several options; one of which was a pool tournament. Chakotay hoped it was enough to spark an interest from Kathryn; at least enough to help her handle the party, but he planned on keeping close to her; or entrusting B'Elanna to stick close when he couldn't. The look on B'Elanna's face when she had quietly requested to talk to Kathryn alone took him by surprise. He wasn't worried about them talking, but he wasn't sure how comfortable either woman was with each other; he only knew their deepened bond was new. He had not known B'Elanna would choose now to overcome her aversion to talking about her past with anyone, but he was thankful that she loved Kathryn enough to do so; he just hoped she was okay. Despite Tom had giving him a brief reassurance that B'Elanna was okay, Chakotay wanted to check for himself. He had taken her in and rescued her as a teenager, he wasn't about to let her down now. Tom hadn't minded when he stated that he would feel better if he could just hug her; in fact Tom had seemed to expect it. Tom knew that even though B'Elanna would not easily admit it, she needed those hugs as much as those she loved wanted to give them; Kathryn and B'Elanna were a good bit alike.

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_The doors opened without her allowing them. She didn't care; they hadn't let her out this little room they called quarters in over three weeks, and a guard stood outside her door at all times. There was nowhere to go on this Maquis ship. "May I come in?" the soft gentle tones of their Captain invaded the silence of the darkened room._

_"It's your ship," she spat back at him, anger and frustration still deep inside of her. She still clung to that disgusting grey blanket like it was her only life line. Both the Maquis leathers and his sister's cotton dress still discarded where she had thrown them in a heap on the other side of the room._

_"They are your quarters," he replied steadily, still not entering the dark room. _

_Pulling the blanket tighter around her naked form she spun round to look at him and demanded in her best authoritative tone, "How long am I to be held prisoner here?"_

_"You're not a prisoner," the ship's Captain stated softly as he stepped inside letting the doors close behind him. Looking around the room the broad Native American felt sorry for the young girl who was occupying it. He wished he could offer her better, but under the circumstances he couldn't. He had no reason not to trust her; she was mouthy but she was young, and a half Klingon, he knew a bravado show when he saw one. He wasn't threatened; she switched between mouthy with guts and fear. That was exactly the kind of people that made up his crew, true Maquis Crew material._

_"Then why keep me here?" she hissed staring at him as he stood calm and tall, his hands loosely behind and his black eyes were soft and caring as he looked at her._

_Taking one meaningful step towards her he asked calmly, "Will you work on my crew?"_

_"Never," she hissed in quick reply; not even taking a moment to think about it._

_He was just as quick with his firm, sharp reply, "I told you this isn't a passenger ship."_

_"And I told you I won't work for Maquis," she almost spat at him in utter disgust; then turning away from him again, she added with an obvious shudder of fear, "you and your men are dogs."_

_"I am no dog," Chakotay hissed in a firm soft tone. She didn't reply and he took a deep breath moving very close to her he said in low undertones, "As for my men, this is war," slowly she turned to look at him fear evident in her brown eyes, "but they answer to me," he said firmly with true authority and assurance in his voice, "they would act only on my command."_

_B'Elanna who was confused and frightened stepped forward running her fingertips freely over his tight leather clad chest she growled seductively, "So it's you I have to keep sweet?"_

_"You owe me nothing," Chakotay insisted firmly as he wrapped his fingers securely around her wrist and pulled her hand from his chest. Yanking her arm free she turned away in shame of his rejection once again. Chakotay took a deep breath and added casually, "I have decided to let the last three weeks of food and board and medical attention be a gift to you." He heard her mutter something but what he couldn't tell, choosing to ignore her he added, "but not anymore, you start earning your keep today."_

_"Or?" she demanded finding courage to turn and face this strange Maquis Captain._

_Without fear or hesitation he stepped up to her and looked deep into her eyes as he told her in an unusually loud powerful tone, "I meant what I said Tamar," using the name he had given her; for she still refused to tell him her name, "We are currently in orbit of an M class planet. You're coming to the surface with me and some of the others," her eyes became wide as she heard this; she had never really imagined he would carry out his threat of abandoning her alone on a planet._

_"I don't want to," she shrugged casually sitting down in her chair and picking up a book she had been reading, something Ann had lent her._

_"That is one thing you don't have a choice about," he hissed yanking the book from her hand and slamming it down on the table. B'Elanna stood bold upright fear gripping her; she had never seen him get angry towards her before. Taking a deep breath he held her eyes for long silent moments before he said softly, "Perhaps you would want to dress now?" Nodding toward the pile of clothes he said calmly, "I'll wait outside; we leave in five minutes." He turned his back to her and walked with large strides towards the door._

_"Please don't do this," she called out. She didn't know why, but she suddenly felt terror fill her. Biting her bottom lip she thought back tears as he stopped in his tracks and slowly turned to look at her._

_"Five minutes," he repeated and left the room, leaving her once again alone in the dark. Moving over to the clothes she picked up both sets of clothes, five minutes to make her choice. He had threatened this moment, but she never actually thought he would carry it out._

_True to his word, five minutes later he entered her quarters once again without even calling for entrance, "Ready?" he demanded to the room at large, unable to find her in the dark room._

_B'Elanna stood from her chair to face him; her grey blanket still tightly held around her as she met his eyes and whispered, "No."_

_Chakotay let out a growl and said in a deep voice, "Listen Tamar," stepping closer he said with even more intensity, "you can walk down there fully clothed at my side," looking her up and down he finished, "or I can have my men drag you there under phaser point kicking at screaming, still naked." Her eyes didn't do much to hide her fear and shock, would he really do that? "That choice is yours, I would rather it be the first, but if I must…" he shrugged meeting her eyes he asked casually, "what's it going to be?" Even full of fear B'Elanna didn't budge, she didn't reply. All she did was pull the blanket tighter round her and stare at him immobilized by fear. Closing his eyes he growled, "Fine have it your way," with that he grabbed hold of her upper body tightly and shouted, "Mike!" _

_"No, please," she gasped as he almost forced her out the door. A memory of when he forced her see Ann the first time filled her mind. "No," B'Elanna almost whimpered as he practically picked her up; he wasn't stopping. The doors of her quarters opened and they entered the corridor, he was half carrying her, half matching her down the corridor. "Okay, okay, I'll get dressed," she insisted, "I'll come." She let out a whimper as she saw Mike advancing towards them, about to take her off the Captain's hands. "Please, just don't treat me like an animal," she begged._

_Chakotay stopped dead and stiffened in his tracks. Mike too stopped. Loosening his grip on her, he let go and whispered sadly, "Forgive me Tamar."_

_"Captain?" Mike asked softly, unsure what to do._

_"It's ok Mike. Tamar and I will join you in the shuttle in two minutes," Chakotay told his loyal companion without taking his eyes from the Klingon. Mike was uncertain, but left for the shuttle bay. B'Elanna nodded and turned quickly back to her quarters; she had two minutes to dress in something. Chakotay really was taking her down there, clothes or not._

_After two minutes, he opened the door and stepped inside asking once again, "Ready?"_

_B'Elanna turned to face him, she had brushed her hair and was stood wearing his sister's cotton dress which held her small features well. She looked feminine, but not too revealing; it suited her age. She took his breath away, "Tamar," he whispered stepping closer to her, letting his eyes roam freely down her figure. She was frightened at first, but when she saw only kindness in his eyes, not lust, she was confused. "You look beautiful," he told her softly cupping some strands of hair behind her ear._

_She met his eyes; both their breathing was heavy as the older man looked down on her. She thought she saw love and compassion flush through his eyes, but it disappeared quickly as a warm dimpled smile filled his features. "You think so?" she asked, still not sure of his compliment._

_"I do," he said with a nod quickly turning from her and gesturing towards the door for her to leave with him he added, "I think you'll make a man proud to be your husband one day."_

_B'Elanna suddenly felt like he wanted to lead her to her slaughter. He was going to leave her on an M Class planet; she was frightened and worried about being alone. Going up to him, she reached up to his face and traced the lines of his dark tattoo saying in a seductive voice, "It could be you." She took his hand and placed it on her breast. Everything in her expected him to discard her, but she knew she had to try something._

_B'Elanna found her breathing quickened as he smiled a firm smile before looking down at her cleavage; his thumb roamed to find her nipple through the soft material as he growled, "It could." B'Elanna was shocked and suddenly very fearful. Her eyes shot up to meet his as she quickly pulled her hand away. Giving her breast a slightly squeeze he added, "Then you would feel safe?" Pulling his hand away he asked, "Am I right?" Grabbing her wrist he pulled her to him roughly and ran one index finger slowly along her jawline. Almost sneering at her as he spoke, "Secure in the Captain's arms?"_

_With a gulp she hissed, "Get off me," as she closed her eyes and tried to pull away._

_"Listen to me Tamar," he whispered softly letting her go completely and stepping away calmly, "you don't have to marry me to be safe here." She looked at him trying to take in what he was saying so gently and calmly in the deep, rich authoritative voice. "You don't have to share my bed to be secure," he told her; "you need only stay on my ship." She was watching him, looking for any signs he was toying with her, but she only saw honesty and integrity. "You have my protection now and you'll have it as long as you stay with me; for as long as I know you." His last statement surprised her; never had anyone offered her that much straight up protection. She tried to see the game he was playing with her, but he seemed not to be playing one._

_"Ha!" she spat at him in rage stepping back furiously, "fat lot of good your protection does!" He looked at her surprised, but made no move to calm her or respond in any way. "Aside from the fact you are about to dump me in this M Class planet…." She shouted but her voice trailed off as she found she couldn't bring herself to admit to him what she wanted to say. Closing her eyes she found herself growling in frustration; which in its self didn't surprise him all that much._

_"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked calmly and firmly holding her eyes "Aside from?" when she didn't reply, he asked in a darkly base tone voice, "Have I ever lifted a finger against you?" Still she didn't reply, so he snapped "Well, have I?"_

_"No….." she whispered in a trembling voice._

_Chakotay could sense there was more too it; more to what this girl was not saying, "But?" he asked steadily._

_Taking in a deep breath she told him, "Your men..." but once again found herself unable to finish her sentence._

_"What about them?" he asked waiting for her to continue, but she only turned from him and folded her arms securely across her chest. "Tamar, has one of them hurt you?" he demanded. She slowly lowered her head in shame. Slowly reaching out he took her elbow in his hand and spun her around before cupping her chin in his hand to tilt her head up forcing her to look at him as he said softly, "tell me." He fought to keep his temper in check. He had watched this young girl break when nine Cardassians had destroyed her innocence in from of him just weeks before, and now he was concerned that she was about to confess to things happening on his ship._

_"Jackson," she managed to utter; fear of what he would do next filling her._

_Chakotay's eyes held hers as he asked, "Did he touch you?"_

_"No," she shook her head in honesty as she still did not meet his gaze._

_"But," Chakotay pressed firmly letting his hand fall from her face._

_"He said..." but too quickly she closed her eyes and shook her head._

_Chakotay would have been forgiven for wondering if this was a ploy to get him to let her stay but Chakotay was a man who lived by 'innocent until proven guilty.' He had no reason to not believe her, Jackson was a new recruit; he knew little about him, "What did he say?" Chakotay asked calmly._

_Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath she turned from him and hung her head as she admitted, "He told me that because the Cardassians had me I am tainted."_

_"Tainted?" he asked angered and sickened that anyone would say that to her._

_She nodded and continued in a low voice that almost betrayed her fragile emotions, "That even you don't want me, and that you always take women," she shuddered at the thought of it ,"that if you don't want me, that makes me fair game to take." The implication from the tall brute of a man left little to imagination._

_Chakotay took in such a deep breath his nostrils flared and his shoulders rose. He clenched his fists; he looked the vision of barely controlled anger. B'Elanna found herself suddenly a little afraid of the man who stood inches from her. He slowly growled in a deep voice at her, "and you think if I have sex with you that will stop my crew." She knew it was a statement not a question. She gave no reply. Almost as though he was collecting his self he closed his eyes and stood very tall and still; suddenly he opened his eyes, took her firmly by the arm and led her to the door, "Come on." She looked fearfully up at him as he looked down at her and said, "We're late!"_

_"Late for what?" she asked trying to get out of his unrelenting grip as they made their way out of her darkened quarters and into the narrow passageway._

_Taking large strides, Chakotay almost had the young teenager straining to keep up with him as he practically dragged her to keep up. She put up a fight not to come. "The shuttle down to the surface is waiting," he growled in her direction._

_Fear filled her even more as he bellowed down to his communicator, "Chakotay to Jackson," as he marched her down the corridor._

_"Yes Captain," came the deep voice of the gruffly spoken Maquis Crew member._

_B'Elanna looked even more horrified as Chakotay spat down his communicator, "You are coming too." B'Elanna didn't much care for the broad, angry Maquis who clearly had it in for her. On the days when he had been assigned to security outside her quarters she had lived in fear of what this man would do to her. She watched Chakotay as he ordered, "Get down to the shuttle bay," he looked angry as he bellowed, "Now!"_

_"Yes, Captain," came Jackson's reply as the comm link went blank. _

_Chakotay led B'Elanna silently around the corner, she kept her head high but all the while fear gripped her, what would this Maquis Captain do to her? Where was he taking her? Had she been better off left to her fate with the Cardassians? She was mulling all these fearful thoughts in her head; she hadn't even noticed he was watching her. Giving her elbow where he held her a gentle squeeze he said softly, "Don't look so scared."_

_B'Elanna was still surprised by this man's continual kindness and gentleness towards her; snapping her head up to face him, she met his eyes with a deep, cold stare as she growled, "I'm not afraid of you!"_

_Chakotay knew she was, but didn't want her to be. Wishing he could find a way to prove to her he could be trusted he said simply and softly, "Good."_

_B'Elanna was surprised at the simple remark, but had no time to reply as she suddenly realized she was in the ship's only shuttle bay. "Captain," Mike stepped forward form where he had been hovering at the entrance to a small battered looking shuttle. B'Elanna instinctively moved closer to Chakotay who still had a firm grip on her arm._

_Chakotay didn't say anything to Mike; he just turned to the frightened half Klingon woman, let go of her and gestured towards the door of the shuttlecraft saying, "After you."_

_B'Elanna looked from Chakotay who was watching her, clearly wondering what her next move would be, and the tall Asian man she knew nothing about. Mike had been there when Chakotay had rescued her, and he seemed to be in one of Chakotay's trusted crew members. Mike looked firm and fierce, but still had a gentle side to him much like Chakotay did. B'Elanna knew she could trust him, if not for the sole reason that she could tell enough by now that he would carry out Chakotay's orders and only Chakotay's orders. Looking around she noticed the two men stood staring at her; she wasn't fool enough to think she could get away, even B'Elanna knew when she was beat. She had to trust that this Captain would treat her well. Holding her head high she marched past them both and stepped into the shuttle craft. She was surprised to find it was full of a large group of Maquis, some she knew, some she didn't. Chakotay and Mike stepped in behind her. "We are all here off you go Ann," Mike said swinging his body into an empty seat three rows back. B'Elanna spun round to look at the young female medic who had been trying to console her since her arrival. _

_"No, wait Jackson is coming too." Chakotay hissed placing a gentle hand on Ann's shoulder. She was clearly the one who was supposed to be piloting the shuttle. B'Elanna jumped when Chakotay moved right behind where she stood in a confused daze and pressed his body to her back almost protectively as he growled in a steady deep voice, "Seska, move over let Tamar sit."_

_B'Elanna didn't know Seska, but something told her she was about to find out when a brown haired Bajoran woman who sat on the much less crowded front row next to an empty seat that was clearly for Chakotay protested loudly, "No way!" Turning to B'Elanna, she gave her an evil glare and added "Cassie was my friend; I can't believe your bringing that wretch."_

_Chakotay stepped in front of B'Elanna, leaning into the angry Bajoran woman as he shouted, "Move over, or I'll personally throw you over."_

_"Come on, Chakotay," Seska offered one last protest giving an angry gesture on B'Elanna._

_"Come on Seska," Ann piped up in her usual soft tones._

_"Yeah Seska, everyone knows your only here because you want to replace Cassie," somebody from near the back called over the mass of people._

_Chakotay stood tall to his full height, as he did this Mike also stood gripping a phaser in his hand; there was a murmur among the group, but nobody dared say a word until Chakotay said in such a deep authoritative tone, "Nobody is replacing Cassie, but I'm warning you Seska get to the back; Tamar stays with me." Seska stood reluctantly, but didn't take her eyes from B'Elanna as she did._

_The tension in the small shuttle was broken when the brute, Jackson stepped inside saying, "Hey what's going on here?"_

_Every turned to him as Seska filled him in as she folded her arms, "The Captain brought his new kid along;" she clearly expected Jackson to challenge Chakotay. B'Elanna was suddenly very scared._

_Chakotay rounded on the man in the door way growling, "Jackson."_

_"Captain," Jackson stepped up to him forcefully, "what's she doing here?" He looked at B'Elanna with pure malice in his eyes, something Chakotay didn't miss, "Isn't it bad enough Cassie had to die for this," clearly Jackson thought better of what he was going to say and settled for spitting the word, "kid."_

_"This kid is under my protection as long as she stays on this ship," Chakotay bellowed at him before looking at the group at large, "got it?"_

_"Look Chakotay, I don't know what kind of fantasy you have going with her, but she's not even paying her way," Seska said trying to sound calm._

_"Sit down," he shouted without waiting for a reply he took his seat, "the longer we wait the more chance we have of being caught." Pulling a worried and silent B'Elanna down to sit beside him, he said stiffly, "Take us out Ann."_

_Mike took his seat again; Seska marched to the back shooting B'Elanna a glare as she went. Jackson went to take an empty seat right behind B'Elanna, but Chakotay placed a firm palm on his chest growling, "I don't think so," tilting his head in the direction Seska had just left he finished, "get in the back with Seska."_

_Once he was sure Jackson had actually moved back, Chakotay turned around and settled his face forward closing his eyes. B'Elanna looked at him cautiously, but he didn't look at her or make any move to say anything to her. "Where are we going?" she whispered not even bothering to hide the trepidation in her voice._

_Slowly his eyes slipped open and he looked at her from the corner of his eye as he told her, "Not a word," before he once again closed his eyes and turned his head to face the front. B'Elanna decided the best course of action would be to obey and so she shut up and didn't say any more for their rest of the journey._

_What seemed all too suddenly for B'Elanna the shuttle was landing on an M class planet. Looking around she saw all the dead pan faces of the Maquis; not one of them seemed to be showing any emotion. Chakotay seemed far more subdued than usual. As Ann landed the ship, B'Elanna felt the knot in her stomach tighten. Chakotay nodded firmly at Mike who stood without a word and opened the hatch. "Get out all of you," Chakotay ordered gruffly. Everyone silently stood and filled out the door not even looking at him. The earlier disagreement between the Captain and the two crew members was forgotten as they both walked silently past him not even looking at him. B'Elanna didn't move she sat glued to the chair. When everyone else had left, Chakotay turned to face her, and calmly told her, "You too."_

_"But..." she began in terror that he would send her out there alone to the waiting Seska and Jackson. She still had no idea what they were all doing here. Her heart beat faster as Chakotay looked over his shoulder at Mike and gave him a nod. Instantly Mike was in front of her taking her arm and forcing her to stand up. Turning in fear, she tried to pull away from the Asian man's grip._

_Standing Chakotay reached out and grabbed her shoulders forcing her to still and looked into his deeply loving eyes, "Mike," he said not taking his eyes from B'Elanna's, "Keep close to her," then slowly he looked up to meet Mikes eyes, "make sure nobody touches her." _

_"Yes Captain," Mike nodded._

_Turning back to B'Elanna, he rested a steady palm on the side of her face forcing her to feel his security as he kept his eyes locked on her, "Go with him, its okay," Chakotay told her steadily, "Mike is one of my most loyal men; he won't let anything happen to you." Kissing her forehead he told her, "You have my word," B'Elanna stood still staring at the native American as he pulled away and returned to his seat without looking at her. _

_Something about the way Chakotay just went and sat down and closed his eyes as though closing himself off to the world seemed odd and so unlike the warrior she had come to see and trust in him. "What's he doing?" she whispered to Mike as she stepped down off the shuttle with him. She kept turning back to look at Chakotay who had stayed rigidly still, straight backed in his chair, head high, eyes closed._

_Quickly taking her onto solid ground Mike closed the hatch cutting off her view of the Captain before he looked down at her and told her, "He'll pray to his spirits for guidance." B'Elanna took an involuntary intake of breath. Pray? He had mentioned something at spiritual beliefs to her when she had scoffed about his tattoo, could it be that this Maquis really did have spiritual beliefs. "Then..." Mike's voice snapped B'Elanna back into the situation she was in._

_"Then?" B'Elanna pressed; she didn't care anyway, if this group were going to leave her as Chakotay had said; what did it matter? If they were going to kill her or worse… then maybe Chakotay did need to pray about it before. _

_"Then he'll bring the body," Mike said calmly, but B'Elanna looked at him with terror._

_"What body?" she almost screamed turning to him as he looked at her slightly confused._

_"Cassie's body," he replied softly, to which she continued to look at him with wide eyed terror, "surely he told you we are here to bury her?" Mike asked her somewhat confused at her response._

_"No," B'Elanna hissed letting all Chakotay had ever said to her fill her mind, had he mentioned a funeral, she was sure he was about to leave her on this vast grassy plane of a planet. "It's been nearly a month," B'Elanna told Mike, pointing out there was no way they would still have the body._

_Ann suddenly appeared and told her calmly, "We keep the body in stasis until we can carry out the rituals and traditions of the person." Ann and Mike exchanged sad glances before she admitted, "For some that's many months." _

_Mike nodded saying, "Cassie was lucky we found this planet and had the ability to come here."_

_B'Elanna was confused, why not just throw them out an airlock and be done with it, "Do you do that with all your dead?" she asked looking in Mike's eyes. To her, it seemed a strange thing to keep a dead body in stasis._

_"Chakotay respects the dead as much as he does the living," Mike told her firmly._

_B'Elanna stood there thinking over the implications of those words. Mike was saying that Chakotay had a deep respect for people, a respect that if she was honest she had started to see in him just by the way he had treated her so far. "And you respect him?" she asked Mike understanding now._

_Mike met B'Elanna's eyes and she saw an honest sincerity there, "He's taught me a new way to live", Mike told her which both confused and surprised B'Elanna. When Mike saw the confusion on her face he told her softly, "Disagreement and war don't have to be about disrespect," Then he told her with a deep respect evident in his voice, "Chakotay is loyal." B'Elanna stared at Mike as he told her, "If he gives you his word he means it." _

_B'Elanna was about to reply to Mike who had purposely kept her away from the large group of Maquis gathered in an area near the shuttle, when he turned and stood tall and straight backed, Ann who was standing with them did the same. A silence descended among the group as they parted allowing their Captain through. Chakotay stepped down from the now open shuttle hatch and moved through the parted crowd. B'Elanna watched as he moved past her and Ann towards the aft section of the shuttle closely followed by five other men. B'Elanna suddenly felt like she shouldn't be there._

_Looking at Ann standing closely beside her, she saw nothing but warmness in the Medic's eyes. Ann then turned back to the shuttle and stood at attention, B'Elanna followed her gaze and watched as Mike and the five other men were carried a stasis container towards Chakotay. As the container was laid beside him, he and Mike lowered the body to the ground as the others began coving Cassie's neatly wrapped body with stones as Chakotay stood to watch. As the group finished they all drew back; Mike stood tall before the grave next to Chakotay while the five men returned the stasis container back to the shuttle. Chakotay stood muttering what B'Elanna guessed were prayers in his Native tongue, before he turned once more to the gathered group and addressed them in a deep booming voice, "We mourned Cassie O'Conner many weeks ago upon her death, this day we commit her body to the ground as is the custom of the Irish people of Earth. Unlike many of us, Cassie was not personally affected by the Cardassian war until after she joined us. Cassie joined the Maquis because she saw wrong and wouldn't stand for it. Cassie was not here to avenge her family or her planet; she was here to help the people of the Maquis and the Devron system fight for what they believe in. In my way of seeing it that makes Cassie all the braver; she gave up her comfortable life in Ireland because she didn't agree with everything the Federation was doing. She stood up to the oppression of a people that where not her own. Her courage and bravery will never be forgotten, she will always be in our hearts. Let us keep Cassie's legacy and remember why we are here; why we are Maquis freedom fighters." There was a silence that filled the surface of the planet as Chakotay turned and knelt beside her grave and placed the last stone before standing and walking away._

_B'Elanna was shocked, she had no idea that Cassie had been on Earth, she had assumed she had come for the Devron system, or at least known people from there. It had surprised her to learn that not every Maquis was driven by anger and rage of their painful past. This woman had been captured and raped by Cardassians some time ago, but still carried on with the Maquis even though she and her family were from Earth. B'Elanna didn't have much time to debate the matter much more in her mind because Chakotay appeared behind her and gripped her firmly by the arm almost dragging her away from the others. Neither Mike nor Ann stopped him. B'Elanna suddenly realized she was on her own, this was it. Was he really going to abandon her? "Where are we going?" she almost yelled as he took her further and further away from the group. Nobody seemed to notice or care, as she strained and said, "Let go of me."_

_Chakotay took no notice of her protests, he didn't say a word until they were well out of sight from the group, then he stopped walking and let go of her staring at her intently. B'Elanna looked around, it had crossed her mind to run, but where was she going to run to? He would likely let her go, but then fear gripped her, was he going to take and to rape her? Sensing her fears Chakotay softly placed a hand on her shoulder and said gently, "Look at me."_

_"No," she snapped stepping backwards from him._

_"Look at me," Chakotay said once again gently and warmly, this time tilting her head up with his hand so she had to look at him._

_Her eyes were filled with tears, all her angry pretense was washed away at that moment as she looked at the tall emotionless man looking down at her, "You're going to leave me here aren't you?" she asked astonished and frightened._

_Chakotay regarded her for a few silent seconds before tilting his head slightly and asking gently, "Do you want to be left here?" That was not something B'Elanna had expected him to ask her so freely. When she didn't reply, he looked out over the vast empty plane fields stretching out all around them and said, "I told you I will leave you with a weapon, food, supplies." He looked at her and saw the fear in her eyes, so he gently cupped the side of her face in his palm and told her, "I'll alert the Federation to your being here, they could be here in less than five days."_

_"You would really do it wouldn't you?" she asked not taking her eyes from him. If she was going to be left here that way; she wasn't going down without a fight._

_"Yes," he told her calmly dropping his hand to his side, "the Val jean is not a passenger ship." Taking a deep breath he looked deeper into her eyes and whispered, "I would rather not have to."_

_"If I told you now I would serve as a member of your crew?" she asked unsure what his answer might be._

_A smile began to play on his lips as his eyes sparkled at the first mention from her of serving as a Maquis on his ship. "Then you would walk back with me to the shuttle and return to the ship," he told her seriously. "I'll try to find a task suited to you," then he stepped closer and rested a firm hand on her shoulder saying, "and you will have full protection as a member of my crew." As their eyes met he told her, "You have my word." Mike's words about how trustworthy this man was filled B'Elanna's mind. She had no reason to believe he wouldn't keep his word, in fact everything she had seen about this brave and yet firm man told her he would keep his word. "But you're going to have to decide quickly," Chakotay told her firmly and B'Elanna suddenly realized he was giving her the choice. "I am not in the habit of keeping prisoners," he informed her as he watched his true and honest words play in her mind. "I rescued you, but it doesn't mean I am forcing you to stay with me."_

_Closing her eyes she told him, "I was training as an engineer at the Academy." She was tired of doing it all alone, fed up of never quite fitting in._

_"Starfleet?" he asked her his dimpled smile fully out._

_"I walked away before they kicked me out," she scoffed feeling her past was once again getting in her way._

_Chakotay didn't seem at all surprised or fazed by her admittance, "You might fit in here more than you think," he told her with his dimpled smile._

_B'Elanna softened and hung her head as she said softly, "Please don't leave me here Chakotay." They both knew it was a silent plea._

_Once again tilting her head upwards with his hand he asked softly, "Will you serve as a Maquis on my crew?"_

_"Suppose," she found herself shrugging away from him. After everything she saw, everything he had shown her B'Elanna still couldn't bring herself to trust him fully; she still couldn't bring herself to agree to be Maquis even though everything in her still really wanted to._

_Chakotay sighed and turned away to walk a few steps from her as he told her, "I know you are used to your own rules," then turned to her he asked seriously, almost begging on his part, "could you at least try to follow my orders?"_

_"You sound Starfleet," she scoffed at him._

_"Not everything Starfleet does is wrong," Chakotay replied seriously._

_She looked at him unable to find anything else to say to what he had just said. He was watching her, he wasn't saying anything else and B'Elanna soon realized this was it. "Yes I'll try to follow your orders."_

_Chakotay stood with a dead pan emotionless face looking at her intently for a second, then his face broke into a beaming smile, dimples and all and he shrugged saying, "Good enough for me."_

_The next thing B'Elanna knew he was leading her back to the group gathered around the shuttle craft presumably waiting for his return. "Mike," he bellowed without even looking at her, "get the supplies we stored on board, bring them here."_

_"Chakotay?" Mike asked turning from his conversation with Ann and another Maquis woman B'Elanna didn't recognize. He had obviously been sharing a joke with them because he had been smiling when he turned to face his Captain, but the smile quickly faded and he now looked confused as he glanced frrom Chakotay's serious face to that of the surprised and frightened half Klingon girl. _

_"Do it," Chakotay growled clearly angry his most trusted crew member had hesitated at following his request, as he added, "and the Federation distress beacon."_

_Mike slowly moved into the shuttle, but everyone could see he didn't really want to. Ann stepped up to them, her green eyes clearly angry with her Captain's orders, "Chakotay, don't do this," she protested gesturing towards B'Elanna, "she's still very young."_

_"You said..." B'Elanna's voice cracked as she gazed up at him, even his own crew felt they knew what he was going to do, "you gave me your word."_

_"Yes," he said slowly looking down into her worried eyes, "yes I did. I gave you my word that should you agree to serve as Maquis on my ship, I would protect you as a member of my crew." Then suddenly and quite unexpectedly he spun round to face Jackson and Seska, who were huddled together some distance away. "You two can wipe those disgusting smiles off your faces!"_

_"Come on Chakotay, we're just having fun," Jackson protested still smiling._

_"Fun?" Chakotay turned fully on him advancing angrily towards him as he demanded in front of all the crew present, "is threatening to rape a teenager fun?"_

_"Oh come on Chakotay, she's never going to be Maquis," scoffed Jackson realizing he had nothing to lose. "You didn't want her; it doesn't mean nobody else shouldn't take her!"_

_At those words Mike and many of the other men turned, "Nobody is taking anyone on board my ship!" Chakotay yelled still moving towards him, "We are not barbarians," spitting in disgust as Mike grabbed Jackson's form behind seemingly reading his Captain's thoughts. Chakotay continued addressing Jackson, "We are not Cardassians." When Jackson struggled, Mike held him harder, he couldn't get away. Chakotay's face was inches from his as he shouted, "We are not pirates or slave drivers, we are freedom fighters," half turning and pointing at B'Elanna he said, "Fighting for her freedom as much as we are our own." Then he asked in a seemingly calm voice that everyone knew meant Chakotay was seething with anger, "What if she were your sister, your niece," then in a slightly more poignant way he added, "your daughter?"_

_For a split second B'Elanna thought Jackson's face softened till he looked right at her and spat, "My daughter would never let a Cardassian inside her."_

_With that Chakotay's fist hit the restrained man's face sending him buckling into Mike behind. "Come on we're leaving," Chakotay growled towards the rest of the crew as he turned and moved towards the shuttle. Mike threw the man to the ground his nose pouring blood. Ann half pushed a stunned B'Elanna past Chakotay onto the shuttle._

_"Perhaps she's not too different from you after all?" Jackson scoffed and he laughed menacingly before calling out, "Letting a Cardassian inside her." Chakotay stopped in his tracks turned slowly to him and simply gestured to Mike to turn the distress bacon on to alert the Federation, before boarding the shuttle. Ann took off before anything else could be said. The whole shuttle sat in stunned silence. Nobody dared say a word, not even Seska. She didn't like this new kid, but she knew better than to cross Chakotay in this mood._

_Upon arrival to the Val Jean Mike took B'Elanna back to her quarters where he waited outside the closed doors. She was upset, nothing had changed, and she was still a prisoner here. The door chime __sounded but she ignored it. The doors opened anyway, she didn't care; she didn't bother to turn to see who had entered until he spoke in that deep, calm, gentle voice she had come to rely on "Your uniform." She spun around to look at him holding out neatly folded leather clothing to her. "We'll try you out in Engineering first," he said softly as a smile filled his gentle face. "You start at 1000 hours tomorrow." She stared at him as he placed the clothing down on the chair and turned to the door before he stopped and added, "oh and like I said, you're not a prisoner here, I have removed the guard from you door, I don't think you'll have trouble, but if you do come me, night or day."_

_"Thanks," she said awkwardly, "Captain, thank you for everything."_

_He turned to her and smiled so wide with his dimpled smile, "Chakotay will do."_

_"B'Elanna," was all she said simply in reply._

_"What?" he asked, "my Klingon's not so good."_

_It was her turn to smile as she said, "B'Elanna Torres," then met his eyes as a tad of her dignity returned, "It's my name."_

_He nodded and held her eyes firmly before saying, "Some of us have taken new names." When she looked confused he told her, "We like to leave our past behind." Stepping closer to her he said, "You could stay Tamar if you like?"_

_"B'Elanna will do," she told him mimicking his words as she stood watching him. These were the first few times that she had felt any pride in herself again; it wasn't much, but her name was important to her and using it restored it just a bit._

_With a smile and a nod he said softly, "See you in the morning B'Elanna," before turning and leaving her alone._

(+) (+) (+)

B'Elanna was pacing the little room she and Tom had shared that night in Sandrine's, Kathryn's party was due to start again in one hour, she had just left Kathryn to get in the bath. With Tom down stairs with Chakotay and Miral, B'Elanna found herself alone; agitated and a little sore. Somebody had knocked at the door twice and she was trying to decide weather to let them in or send them away. She didn't know who would need or want her now, she was thinking of taking a bath and getting ready herself. The third knock at the door was the last straw; she did not want to help get the party ready! As she marched toward the door she yelled, "If you don't stop banging on that door and get the hell out of here I'll..." but her voice trailed off as she swung it open to see who was stood there waiting with a huge dimpled grin on his face.

"You'll what B'Elanna?" Chakotay smiled with hint of a laugh as he folded his arms and leaned his body against the door frame still looking at her with his dimpled smile.

"Chakotay," she said looking deflated, "sorry I just..." she shook her head and waved him aside before turning from him and saying rather casually, "never mind." Chakotay saw the slight flinch she made as she used her arm to wave him aside and the quick and sudden flash of pain that flooded through her face.

Chakotay still didn't make any effort to enter the room even though she was at the other side of the room with her back to him giving him plenty of time and space to enter. "It was a knock," he said in a soft, deep voice she knew so well keeping his eyes trained on her trying to see how she was feeling.

B'Elanna's hand's clenched into tight fists as she almost let out a growl, "Excuse me?" she almost demanded in her defensive way just before her Klingon anger began to flare.

"The door," Chakotay said casually gesturing towards its wooden frame, "I was knocking, not banging." Then with a twinkle in his eyes he added pointedly, "I don't bang doors."

B'Elanna suddenly relaxed knowing she wasn't at all annoyed with him, "No of course you don't, and you're too placid." The events of the night before had knocked her quite a bit off guard; and now the memories flooding back to her of that time long ago was clearly affecting her.

Chakotay kept watch on B'Elanna as she subconsciously moved her hand up to rub her shoulder. Chakotay watched her until she dropped her hand as she began to pace angrily around the room. "How's your shoulder" he asked casually resuming his leaning against the door post?

"What?" B'Elanna demanded finally stopping her pacing and turning to look at him where he stood with a smile on his face. Nodding at her shoulder, she realised what he was saying, "Oh," she gasped, "its ok." She too broke into a smile as she added playfully, "Ok, so not placid when you're protecting those you care about."

Chakotay still with his beaming smile on his face, pushed himself up right from his leaning position and asked "May I come in?"

"It's never stopped you before," she scowled playfully at him.

"What's not?" he asked confused.

"Whether or not I say no," her resurged memories of her time on the Val Jean with him were still very fresh in her mind. She knew there many times he had come to make her hear what he had to say and stopping her from harming herself.

Chakotay laughed and walked into the small room, that was not unlike the one he had spent the night with Kathryn in down the hall. "You forget how well I know you B'Elanna," he whispered in a deep voice closing the door behind him. "I know when you need somebody and when you really could do with being alone," then with a hug he clarified, "now is not the latter."

B'Elanna didn't deny what he had just said, but folded her arms demanded, "How's Kathryn?"

"I don't know," he said giving her a slight sideways glance to show his concern before pointing out, "I was hoping you could tell me."

B'Elanna suddenly looked surprised and furious as she snapped, "Is that why you are here?" She was so angry she went to punch his chest, but as she did so her shoulder gave a sharp pang of pain and she let her other hand reach up to rub it as she hissed, "Not for me at all? Just to get the latest gossip about your poor wife."

"You know that's not true," he told her calmly as he reached up and pulled her to him in a quick and gentle gesture so she stood just before him with her back to him, "and I resent your implications," he hissed in her ear as he leaned in and began to need her shoulder with his copper skinned hands. "Lanna tell me why you are so angry?"

"What the hell are you doing?!" B'Elanna shouted angrily; still on edge as she tried to pull away from his hands from the work they were doing on her sore shoulder, but he wouldn't let her go and stayed calm during her outburst.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" he asked calmly keeping his hands moving to relax the tense muscles of the shoulder he had hurt the night before while restraining her from Kathryn.

B'Elanna smiled at his gentle attentiveness, but then still tried to pull away saying, "its fine," she sighed suddenly realising what he was doing and why he was doing it.

Chakotay leaned in and whispered in her ear, "It's not fine," his voice was deep and powerful as he continued both to massage her and say, "I know how hard I held you and I've watched you."

B'Elanna laughed slightly remembering how she saw Kathryn with the shoulders of her dress hanging loosely earlier and the flushed and embarrassed expression on Kathryn's face when both women realized what it meant. "Do you have a thing about women's shoulders Captain?" B'Elanna asked casually which caused her dear friend to halter his hand movements.

Chakotay was confused by her words and spun her around to look into her eyes, and saw there a soft and compassionate humour as a hint of a smile threatened its way across the half Klingons face. Chakotay stood still, confused for a second until he too remembered the way he had left Kathryn shortly before B'Elanna has last seen her, and a smile fell across his face as he teased, "And what are you going to do about it?" he almost laughed giver her shoulder one last squeeze, "I've had no complaints yet."

"Stop!" B'Elanna pushed him away, shaking her head and moving away from him to sit on the bed, "it will be fine."

Chakotay chose the small chair next to the window, the room was virtually identical to the one he and Kathryn had stayed in "What are you doing in here?" he asked looking around the empty room, it wasn't like B'Elanna to be cooped up in a small room doing nothing.

B'Elanna looked away from his gaze, slightly ashamed as she shrugged saying softly, "I got fed up trying to do something, so I came here and let my mind wonder away with me."

Now Chakotay _knew _there was something wrong, it was like all fighting fire had gone from her spirit. She was just deflated, it reminded him of the way she was shortly after learning of the Maquis massacre while they were still on Voyager, and if he was honest it worried him a great deal. He had to force her out of it then and he would do the same now if he had to, for her sake, but he wasn't sure how easy that would be with Kathryn the way she was as well. Taking a deep breath he tugged on his ear and asked gently, "What were you thinking about?"

"It doesn't matter," she growled looking more agitated than vacant.

Chakotay hadn't really expected her to tell him what was troubling her, but he stood and moved towards her. She watched him surprised as he knelt in front of her and took her face in his hands, keeping her looking at him. "Tamar," he said deeply and purposefully, though she had long ago rejected the name, he still, very rarely used it. It was when he wanted to express his deep love and concern for her, it was a very private name between them and one she knew he did not use lightly, "I can see it does," his voice was rhythmic and soft as he held her gaze. When tears slowly fell from her eyes he used his thumbs to tenderly wipe them away as he demanded softly, "Tell me."

B'Elanna looked away from him for a split second and then looked back at him to see his deep caring eyes were unrelenting. Taking a deep breath she told him awkwardly, "I was thinking about Cassie's funeral."

Chakotay was taken aback by her words. He made a face at her and asked "Why?"

"You left him there!" she snapped back her eyes wide and full of tears.

Chakotay dropped his hands from her face and took her hands softly in his as he still knelt before her and tried to work out where this was coming from. Closing his eyes he took a deep breath and asked, "Jackson?" He had not thought of him in a long time; nor did he want to now, but if she needed or wanted to talk about it now after what had come out last night, so be it, he would do it for her.

B'Elanna nodded and muttered, "It could have been me," her voice was cracked and broken and full of more real emotions than Chakotay had ever come to see in B'Elanna. With tears in her eyes and her fighting spirit gone he suddenly felt like he was talking to Kathryn and not his angry Klingon sister.

Still holding her hands he gave them a gentle squeeze to reassure her before sighing and telling her seriously, "But it wasn't," his voice was firm and yet loving, trying to get her to understand.

She raised her tear stained face to meet his loving eyes before she pulled her hands away and yelled in furious anger, "But you would have done it Chakotay!" Her breathing was raw and rugged; her eyes full of rage, Chakotay found himself looking at the B'Elanna he had known from long ago.

He didn't choose to reply he just reached up to cup her cheek softly yet firmly in his, "I know," he whispered as the two sat at eye level and stared into each other eyes.

When her anger seemed to have died down enough to listen he stoked her cheek with his thumb to wipe away her tears and told her in all seriousness and honesty, "Had you chosen not to work as a Maquis, I wouldn't have kept you as a prisoner." He wanted her to understand, for so long he had thought she had, he really had no idea she hadn't understood why he had done what he did that day.

"Prisoner?" now it was B'Elanna's turn to be surprised; he had insisted then so many times that she wasn't his prisoner.

Chakotay looked at her to see the surprise in her eyes and sighed before saying, "B'Elanna, you know as well as I do that's what you were and would have been as long as you didn't work on my ship." Running his hand along her arm in a soft caress he told her, "I could never allow that, with a Starfleet rescue you would have stood a chance of a new life; one you might have accepted." His smile was wide, but his eyes showed pain.

B'Elanna looked at him seriously and really intentionally as she demanded, "Did Jackson survive?" her voice was fierce but Chakotay detected a sense of fear or worry in her eyes.

Smiling he looked at her and nodded telling her, "Oh yes, he easily survived the three days on his own," he hung his head and told her, "in fact it was Captain Picard and the Enterprise who picked him up; I would never have let him die. He ended up in New Zealand though."

B'Elanna looked surprised and at first Chakotay thought it was in relation to what he had just said about Jackson, but then her eyes looked at the floor and she said softly, "oh…." before looking up at him as though she didn't really want to say what she was about to.

"What?" Chakotay asked deciding it would be better to hear it whatever she was about to say, even though he could tell by the expression on her face, she wasn't sure he wanted to hear it.

Slowly B'Elanna replied saying, "Speaking of the Enterprise..." but her voice trailed off and she seemed unable to finish her sentence.

Chakotay who still knelt on the floor in front of her placed a hand on her knee and pressed further; "Yes?" hoping he might sound somewhat supportive to what she didn't want to say.

Looking directly at his eyes she told him, "Mike heard from the Enterprise, he got word Captain Picard is coming this afternoon and bringing his new fiancé."

"B'Elanna!" Chakotay exclaimed shocked she hadn't mentioned it before or not even asked his opinion.

As he stood, he turned from her and ran his hand through his hair. "What?" she questioned in such defensive manner it made him smile.

Turning to her, he sat down on the bed beside her placing a hand on her elbow he guided her to look at him as he asked softly, "Do you think it wise?" When their eyes met he added, "It needs to just be family right now; especially since she is so fragile."

B'Elanna placed a hand on his chest and asked him warmly, "Did you know Kathryn and Jean Luc Picard are quite close?" Chakotay stared at her and once again ran his hand through his hair as though thinking through what she was saying as B'Elanna added, "And she worked with him very closely during the Enterprise incident?"

Chakotay clenched his fists at the memory of what was now being called, 'The Enterprise Incident.' Kathryn had been so closely involved; it had nearly destroyed her to learn to The Enterprise's Second Officer, Commander Data, had not made it out alive. It was back in the time when he was engaged to Seven of Nine, and the time Chakotay marked as the start of his loosing contact with Kathryn. It was in fact a time he would rather not have to face, "I had heard," he growled dropping his hand from her elbow and looking hurt. B'Elanna gave his shoulder a soft squeeze before smiling and nudging him with her elbow as Chakotay looked up and told her, "I was at Commander Data's memorial, I saw how close Kathryn was to the Enterprise Crew there." There was very little he wanted to say or remember.

"Yes," B'Elanna agreed apologetically before telling him, "Mike informed me that Captain Picard had been in touch this morning about coming to the party with his new fiancé." The soft yet confused glint in her eyes showed she was in fact confused more by the fact Picard had a new fiancé than his actual coming.

Chakotay gave a little chuckle and shook his head saying, "Yea I read about that," then with another slight chuckle, "quite the Starfleet scandal," then with a slight dimpled smile added, "a member of his crew?"

B'Elanna was surprised and shocked by Chakotay's casual and humorous response to the news as she looked at him cautiously saying, "Yes I forgot her name, Kathryn would know, she's slim with red hair."

Chakotay was surprised, "The Doctor?" he gasped; then stopped and remembered how close he had seen the two at Commander Data's memorial; if he was honest, he wasn't surprised at all. Shaking his head, he smiled and said casually, "Yes I forget her name too."

B'Elanna looked annoyed as she snapped, "Well anyway, it seems Starfleet has permitted them to continue on the same ship." Chakotay's response was simply to smile slightly and nod making B'Elanna even more angry as she added, "He wants to come today with her," Chakotay offered no further reply so she told him, "Mike also said The Titan is home for shore leave."

Chakotay stopped and thought for a moment about why that was significant, and then smiled suddenly realising what she was saying, "The Rikers?" he asked looking at his dear friend for confirmation.

B'Elanna nodded and told him, "Both Will and Deanna Riker want to come."

Chakotay smiled in reply with a twinkle in his eye as he stood up and said, "Kathryn continues to be famous."

B'Elanna looked annoyed and put out as she stood to face him, her arms folded in her defensive manner and told him in her uneasy voice she used to try to sound firm, "I am not sure I like Deanna, she reads me too well."

Chakotay looked at B'Elanna with his own dead pan face for a few seconds before he broke back into a smile and asked, "Have you ever met her long enough to have had a real conversation with her?" Everyone who was anyone in Starfleet had at one time or another come across the half-Betazoid counsellor for the fleet's flagship. She had only just two years ago married her long-time partner and ship's First Officer William T. Riker before the two had moved together to the Titan where Will Riker had taken command. The put out unresponsive look from B'Elanna told Chakotay she couldn't say she had. Chakotay always liked to give somebody the benefit of the doubt; he knew B'Elanna could often be the complete opposite in that regard. Laughing slightly Chakotay told her, "She can only read emotions, she's only half Betazoid and she's lovely." B'Elanna's reply was to scowl to which Chakotay added, "I met her just the once at Commander Data's memorial." B'Elanna knew that the meeting may not have been quite what Chakotay had said it was; it was in fact at that very meeting Chakotay had learnt Kathryn may still hold deep feelings for him, even when he was due to marry Seven of Nine at the time.

After a short moments silence, when the two were seemingly lost in their own memories, B'Elanna broke the silence by placing her hand softly on his shoulder forcing him back to the present as she whispered, "You are pretty good at reading emotions yourself." Chakotay turned to her sadly as she smiled to encourage him.

"Yours maybe," he told her sadly. B'Elanna saw the sadness in his eyes and gave his shoulder as squeeze to show her support as he told her sadly "I constantly let Kathryn down in that area."

B'Elanna looked at him shocked and surprised to see he wasn't joking. She nudged him with her elbow and began softly, "Chakotay…." But he shook his head to cut her off. She didn't stop, "Kathryn loves you," she insisted seriously, but when she saw her words were not getting in she continued, "She doesn't want a miracle worker, she wants you," Chakotay turned to look at her as B'Elanna added, "her husband."

Chakotay let out a snort and hung his head as he chuckled, "her husband," before raising his head and looking at his friend he had come to console. "Who would have thought it B'Elanna?" B'Elanna was confused and the face she pulled told him so, which caused him to want to clarify, "You and I both married."

B'Elanna watched her dear friend and saw the worry in his soft controlled eyes and reassured him saying seriously, "She's a perfect wife for you." When he didn't look at her or respond she told him, "There is nobody I could be more proud to see my big brother marry."

Chakotay raised his head and looked deeply in to B'Elanna's smiling eyes. He had never really heard B'Elanna use affection like calling him her big brother, though he knew that's how she saw him. Come to think of it he had never heard her say such nice things about Kathryn. B'Elanna was surprised to see real emotions in his eyes as he looked at her. He so often tried to hide his feelings from her because he felt the need to protect her. It wasn't something that bothered her, it was just the way of things, but now he was standing before her very real and very much full of pain in his eyes. Chakotay gave her a gentle smile to show he had heard and taken in the open words she had used. His smile faltered as he whispered honestly, "Oh B'Elanna sometimes I feel terrible, and I have let her down so many times."

"Yes," admitted B'Elanna slowly; there was no point denying what they both knew to be true, "but she's let you down too." Chakotay was quick to turn to B'Elanna to insist upon Kathryn's innocence, but when he saw the sincere face of his little sister, he knew she understood. There was no point hiding the truth or refusing to be honest there. This was a beautifully honest conversation, exactly what was needed for both of them. He had gone to B'Elanna thinking she may need somebody to confide in, and she had, but he had also found he too was in need of counsel and with B'Elanna that was ok.

Chakotay was quick to his wife's defence shaking his head and insisting, "Kathryn has never let me down," but they both knew that wasn't true. They both knew Kathryn had hurt him and let him down, not always because she wanted to, sometimes just because of circumstance, but she had hurt him. Chakotay couldn't keep his eyes off B'Elanna as he tried to keep her gaze, forcing her to accept his words about Kathryn, but she was having none of it. She knew what he was doing.

Reaching out and placing a small hand on his arm she gave it a soft squeeze and asked, "No?" When Chakotay only looked up and shook his head at her, "sure looked that way when she chose a hologram over you," she spat in annoyance. B'Elanna liked Kathryn a great deal and was glad she had finally married Chakotay and opened up to him, but she was still angry by the way she had treated him on Voyager. B'Elanna had known Chakotay had always been ok with her relationship with the Fair Haven hologram, he had even encouraged it. With a heavy sigh B'Elanna whispered, "or that inspector…" Chakotay eyes were suddenly wide and enraged as he stared at his dear little sister. B'Elanna was us glad to have finally gotten his attention and added casually, "She kissed him remember," Chakotay's breathing quickened and his fists clenched as B'Elanna whispered, "she used him for her own game."

Chakotay was sickened by the fact that Kathryn had felt the need to do what she had done with Kashyk and many like him before in her life. He was not sickened by Kathryn as many wanted him to be, he was sickened by what her circumstances had led her too. Jack had wanted him to discard her at the knowledge of what she had done with the Inspector. He was enraged that his sister would be doing a similar thing. Standing in fury he turned his back on her and spat with barely controlled fury, "If you talk that way you're no better than Jack Lang!"

B'Elanna jumped from where she sat on the bed, hurt and anger finding herself boiling with that old Klingon anger. _How dare he of all people, how dare he tell her she was like Jack Lang?! _"What?!" she demanded her fist pounding his back as she yelled, "You P'Tack!" Chakotay spun around before she could impound her fist on his back again. His eyes were sad and a lot softer then they had been just seconds before. He was sad to see that old Klingon fury come out in B'Elanna again. As she raised her hand to slap his face, he grabbed her waist and held her arm tightly away from his face.

With the other hand he reached out and placed around the back of her neck softly and told her, "Lanna I didn't mean!..." but his voice broke off as he looked into her eyes and watched as her tears fell.

She snatched her wrist from his grip and let both her hands fall by her side as she nodded and said, "I know." Hanging her head to try to hide her tears she told him, "Maybe I am out of line, saying things I don't fully understand."

He smiled at her and dropped his hand from her neck and told her gently, "Kathryn's not perfect." With a shrug he added, "None of us are. I am by no means too love sick to think she is." B'Elanna offered a small smile at that. "But it doesn't make her wrong," Chakotay reminded her.

B'Elanna looked up at him and said, "She's a beautiful wife." Chakotay could sense the sadness in her voice but knew she meant what she was saying as she told him, "the two of you finally together is beautiful."

Chakotay simply smiled, "Thanks Lanna." There was a long moment when the two just stood and looked into each other eyes in silence, sharing each other's company. They had been through far too much together to fight.

Slowly B'Elanna turned from him, the reason she had been so upset and agitated came back into her mind. She rung her hands together as she turned from him, not in anger, but because she seemed to be uncomfortable and suddenly unsure of herself. Chakotay smiled, though he was concerned for her, she reminded him so much of Kathryn right then. He decided to wait and not ask her anything, clearly she wanted to say something, and he needed to give him the space to say it. Slowly, B'Elanna turned back to him, her face covered in tears, her heart pounding as she whispered softly, "Does she know?"

Chakotay stepped forward to take her in his arms, but she pulled back from him and shook her head. In confusion Chakotay asked, "Know what?"

With a deep and heavy sigh B'Elanna placed her hand on his arm and met his eyes and told him, "I have been going over and over the day you buried Cassie in my head…" but she seemed unable to say any more as a fresh wave of tears fell down her face as she looked at him.

Chakotay took her hand and clasped it softly in his saying, "Yes?" to urge her to continue; he could see there was something she needed to say, something she desperately needed to get out.

Taking a long hard breath her watery eyes met his encouraging, steady eyes as she whispered in a cracked voice, "Jackson." Chakotay simply nodded, trying to allow her the time and space she needed to say what plagued her, "the last thing he said…" she muttered, but broke off again before she could finish. She had cast her eyes from him, but she felt him take a sharp intake of breath, he too must have remembered Jackson's last words. She wanted to say it, she wanted to clarify as she whispered, "about…" but as soon as she looked up to sees the deeply contained pain in his eyes she shook her head and whispered, "Oh Chakotay…." Her tears fell as she sobbed for him. She had wanted him to confirm it, but as he pulled her into an embrace she didn't need him too; the look in his eyes was enough. He simply held her as she cried. As he planted a soft kiss on the top of her head, slow silent tears rolled down his face. He rested his chin on her head and he held her to him. "Why did you never tell me?" she whispered into his chest.

It was a long time before he replied and when he did it was quiet and soft. He still held her as he told her, "You needed a strong man to care for you; and you were very young yet." Slowly B'Elanna pulled form him and looked up into his tearful eyes, she was surprised, how could he carry such a thing inside for so long and still be strong and supporting for everyone else? Taking her hand he reminded her, "As does Kathryn," B'Elanna nodded as he asked softly, "how could I tell you?"

B'Elanna was still astounded as she gasped, "but you too were…." She couldn't find herself able to say the word 'raped' still the idea of a man attacked in that way scared her. How had she never realised it before? She had always known; she just didn't realise she knew. With tears in her eyes she looked up at him and held her head high; this was a brave and strong man, probably the best she knew she continued to be astounded by his love of people, his compassion and life of peace after all her had been through and seen in the lives of those he loved. "When?" she asked him softly. It seemed somewhat feeble now, but she felt she had to know.

Chakotay didn't break the eye contact she was trying so desperately to hold, but he did allow his tears to freely fall as he told her, "A very long time ago," when B'Elanna looked at him clearly expecting more he added, "before I was Maquis, I was still in Starfleet."

B'Elanna suddenly realised how difficult this might be for him. Shaking her head she placed her hand on his chest and told him, "You don't need to say it." He reached up and took her hand in his and stoked her wrist with his thumb as she said, "It doesn't change how very strong and brave you are." He gave a sad kind of smiled then as she told him, "and such a beautiful man of peace, but your wife needs to know." He went to say something in protest, but B'Elanna reassured him, "Not today, not just before her party, but I do believe she would feel awful if she never knew." He just stood and looked into her firm eyes as she told him, "This is Kathryn Janeway we are talking about." At the mention of her name, he smiled a warm content smile. "She loves you with everything in her," B'Elanna reminded him.

Chakotay nodded and told her truthfully, "I know, and I love her so much."

B'Elanna smiled warmly and patted his arm saying softly, "Go to her." As he looked down at his little sister he saw she was genuine and seemed to be a lot happier that she had been since he walked into the small room.

Needing to be sure Chakotay took both her elbows in his hands and looked at her at arm's length as he caressed her arms and asked softly, "What about you little sister?" After all it had been B'Elanna he had come to check up on in the first place.

B'Elanna gave him a soft smile and wiped the tears from her now much more relaxed face as she told him, "I am fine." As she looked into his eyes she saw he was not entirely convinced and she insisted, "Truly, I am fine." Chakotay saw the sincerity in her eyes. She seemed far more relaxed and content since he had confirmed her suspicions than before. He knew one day they would have to talk about this, and she was right, he should tell Kathryn, but not today. Forty minutes before her birthday party when he was in fact still on honeymoon with her was not the time.

Chakotay nodded softly and smiled "See you at the party?" he told her giving her elbows a gentle squeeze.

B'Elanna too nodded and told him, "One day soon we will talk of those times." He nodded and B'Elanna confirmed, "You and I together." They both knew they had never sat down, just the two of them, brother and sister and talked, they both knew the time for that was very soon. Chakotay simply nodded with a smile in reply. "But now your wife has a greater need then I." Chakotay went to protest and tell her she was just as important to him as Kathryn, but she cut across him telling him "I have had your valued support for many years and I love you for it, and your beautiful wife loves and needs you right now." Chakotay looked at her, his kid sister wasn't a kid anymore, she was a beautiful grown woman. B'Elanna reminded him, "I have Tom now and he does support me the way my Brother would demand."

Chakotay just looked at her for a second with no emotion on his face, his breathing heavy then his face cracked into a beautiful dimpled smile as he agreed, "Yes you do." The memory of the day he buried Cassie caused him to laugh, at her confused expression he clarified, "The day of Cassie's funeral you asked me to marry you." B'Elanna stared at him confused for a second then remembered the day, she had thought it was the only way to gain his protection, to marry him, how wrong had seen been, he had already vowed to protect her, and true to his word he had.

Once realising what Chakotay was referring to B'Elanna also let out a laugh as she wiped away her last remaining tears as she told him, "and you told me one day I would have a husband, but it would not be you." Chakotay smiled at the memory of it, he too was no longer crying. Suddenly B'Elanna stopped smiling and looked up in the eyes of her friend, concern and worry seemed to be the emotions her face showed she was feeling. Chakotay saw the sudden change in her response and so he too stopped smiling as she timidly asked, "Has my husband met up to your expectations?" She clearly was apprehensive of his response.

Chakotay looked deeply into her eyes with an expression which showed how serious he was, still B'Elanna waited in apprehension. "Tom Paris?" Chakotay questioned seriously as he told her honestly, "The day Kathryn told me she had heard reports of you and him I was ready to ring his neck." B'Elanna quickly snapped into defensive mode, but before she could say anything he placed his hand on her shoulder and whispered, "No one was good enough for my sister, but then I saw the love you held for him and I watched and waited." B'Elanna's expression softened as she folded her arms and looked at him with a cheeky smile on her face. Chakotay smiled with her as he stood tall and said proudly, "Nothing made me more proud then to give you away and stand to watch my beautiful Kathryn join you and Tom in marriage." B'Elanna had never actually heard Chakotay say anything like that, her hands dropped from where she had crossed them across her chest in teasing and hugged him as he laughed into her hair and told her, "You have a fine husband." B'Elanna looked up into his face as the two still stood in a tight embrace, "and he is a very lucky man," Chakotay told her as he ran his hand softly along her cheek in a soft caress. "He came to me you know," Chakotay added breaking the hug, "asked my permission to marry you."

B'Elanna nodded, "I know." She smiled at the memory, "He told me he was going to." She snorted and told him, "I don't know who was more scared for your answer," Chakotay looked confused until she added, "him or me."

Chakotay gave a soft chuckle before telling her proudly, "You have grown into a beautiful woman B'Elanna." With a twinkle in his eye, his gaze fell on a smaller make shift bed in the corner of the room. He picked up a stuffed toy which Kathryn had given Miral only a few weeks before and he added, "With a beautiful little girl to show for it."

B'Elanna saw the way he looked at the child's toy in his hands and took it from him before throwing it back on her child's bed and asking, "Have you ever thought of children?"

Chakotay looked at her with anger and fury as he growled, "B'Elanna I have a child!" Her head snapped up to look at him as he reminded her forcefully, "We have Caleb." B'Elanna sighed and her shoulders slumped and she realized what her statement sounded like; she felt awful, how stupid of her to say what she had just said. She could kick herself and her big mouth. "He's precious to both of us, and quite enough for now," hissed Chakotay as he stepped closer to her and leaned into her face to tell her, "the last thing Kathryn or Caleb needs is those we are closest too saying he is not my child." He was angry and he was taking no messing, not from B'Elanna, not from anyone, he would not allow Caleb to be seen as anything but his child. "Besides," Chakotay stood tall and said full of emotions, "Caleb is as much my beloved son as you are my cherished sister." He let her see his full emotions and the depth of his heart for her, Caleb, and Kathryn.

B'Elanna stepped back and nodded saying, "I'm sorry, how stupid of me." She felt so awful for saying it as she added genuinely, "Me and my big mouth."

Chakotay saw the honesty in her apology and nodded before smiling and asking in a much more gentle tone, "Have you ever thought of more?"

It was B'Elanna's turn to look as with regret as she told him, "We are not sure we can." Chakotay reached out and took her hand as she said sadly, "Human-Klingon conception is difficult enough without the added complications of what happened to me." He smiled a sad smile and took her in an embrace.

As he held her, he caressed her back and whispered, "Miral is beautiful." He remembered all too well the medical report from Ann shortly after B'Elanna's encounter with the Cardassians, and how unclear it was if she could have children or not. He had hated having to give her that news then and he still hated it now. "I am so sorry," he whispered pulling from the hug.

She smiled and told him, "That's ok." He looked at her worried and concerned. She laughed and swatted his arm insisting, "Don't worry." He gave her a soft smile as she added, "We will be ok, and we have Miral, my little miracle."

Chakotay was pleased to see she held no obvious anger or bitterness towards the consequences of what happened to her, in fact she seemed happy to have her husband and a beautiful little girl; she was not the angry and terrified teenager he pulled from hell nearly twenty years ago. He flashed his dimples at her and told her, "Beautiful B'Elanna how far you have come." B'Elanna sensed the pride as he looked at her.

"I have had you," she reminded him softly. She reached out and took a dress from the bed and told him, "Now look at us, we have a birthday to celebrate soon," her eyes twinkled as she told him, "You need to go to her." With that she turned to face the mirror and began checking her now longer wavier hair.

Chakotay was still a little concerned as he asked, "Are you sure you're ok?" She looked at him from in the mirror and nodded.

He stood and stared at her reflection, refusing to move until she told him softly, "One day we will have to talk, you and I," he nodded in reply as she added, "but not today." Seeing he was still concerned and not leaving to go to his wife she told him, "I'll be fine; and what I need help with, my husband will make sure I get; just as you will for Kathryn," and he knew she meant it.

Letting out a sigh, he smiled at how grown up she was. "Come here," he said reaching out for a hug.

As she stepped to him he took her face in his hands and gave her forehead ridges a gentle kiss, much as he used to in the early days of knowing her when he wanted to tell her it didn't bother him she was part Klingon. She smiled up at him at the loving memory and told him, "Go Chakotay, go and rescue Mrs. Janeway from Caleb and go and find his mother; she needs you." With that she swatted his arm and turned from him as he nodded and turned to walk away until she called, "Chakotay," slowly he turned to face her once more as she smiled and said, "Thank you big brother."

(+)(+)(+)

Chakotay smiled down at his beautiful little son sleeping in his arms as he made his way down the hall to the tiny room he shared with Kathryn; but something in him felt worried and emotionally off balance. In truth, he was terrified of what he might find there. Caleb had been interested in all the party preparations, but had quickly tired out when Chakotay had gone to check on B'Elanna and Grandma Gretchen was getting worn down by his constant wining. Now Chakotay hoped that the young boy would sleep just a bit longer while he checked on his Mommy. Chakotay felt the need to be near her, even if he did feel worried; call it an instinct, but he felt she needed him right then, maybe that's why it worried him. As he approached the door of their little room he quietly called to her as he gently rapped on the door so that she would know it was him as he opened the antique lock. When he heard no answer he quickly surveyed the room and found it empty. Taking a deep breath, he realized she must still be in the bath further down the corridor as B'Elanna suggested might soothe her earlier. He figured she was readying herself and slowly moved back into the corridor and made his way to the bathroom at the end of the hall. He had just gotten to the door where he was going to call to check if she needed anything when he heard her. It took just a split second for him to realize he was hearing anguished cries; ones that were trying to be muffled and all her alarms went into overdrive. He knew it was his wife, fearing for Kathryn's safety, he quickly pushed the door open fearing Jack had come back; he was ready to combat the one terrorizing his love, even with his son still in his arms. When he saw the source of the cries, he only saw the small shuddering form of his beloved wife in a heap on the floor, loosely wrapped in a large towel. Looking around the room he saw a washing basket full of towels; placing his son softly in the basket with him still wrapped in a blanket, he knelt down beside his wife. Her hands were covering her face and mouth; as if shielding herself and her sounds from being seen or heard; it broke his heart. Without touching her he softly said, "Kathryn?" She froze at the sound of his voice, but he continued to speak softly, "Love, its Chakotay. I am here. Talk to me, please let me help you." He hadn't wanted to let panic overwhelm him, but that was how he felt right then. She heard his words and quickly turned in the opposite direction; very ashamed to be found in this state. Chakotay was not sure what to do, but his gut was telling him that it was wrong to leave her be; so he persisted lovingly and slowly. "Kathryn, please don't be embarrassed. I am your husband and you can always trust me. I won't belittle any feelings you have. Please my love, I just want to help you. I love you; no matter what."

No matter what…those were the very words which kept ringing in her ears. She was so very ashamed that she had broken down in the first place, but to have him find her in a heap on the floor just out of a bath was awful; the very idea detestable, it only showed her weakness. Shaking her head she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She believed he loved her, so she didn't really know why she was feeling like this, then the guilt for feeling that way came flooding into her mind and she found herself feeling so convulsing sick. The feelings of terror and shame disgusted her and fear swept through her as she pondered on whether or not he would feel that same way about her. She sobbed uncontrollably as she tried desperately to get hold of herself. She knew he loved her, she tried to cling onto that sentiment, but trusting him with the filth that was flooding through her mind was too horrendous to comprehend at the moment. Terror and fear filled her as she worried about what would happen if she did share even just a little of what she was holding back in her mind. Her whole body shook as she convulsed on the floor retching through sheer anxiety and fear. She was heaped on the floor like a quivering wreck before Chakotay. He could not stand to allow that as his heart ripped each time she sobbed and he couldn't make it better. Her eyes were already swollen from the crying and she knew that he would not just dismiss it and let her be; if she was really honest she didn't want him too, not deep down. She needed him; and she knew it. She wanted so very much to be free of this terror that had ruled her life since she was young woman and had resurfaced with a vengeance when she endured Jack, but she just didn't know how. All she knew was that she couldn't do it alone, if she found some way to reach out and let him in bit by bit, then maybe she could cope; maybe she would survive. It was because of that decision alone that she slowly moved her hands from shielding her face and turned to him, her beloved husband so that he could glimpse the disgusting wreck of a woman he married. As he looked down at her, she forced herself to keep her eyes on him; her eyes, red and swollen, gazed up at him revealing multitude of fresh and dried trails along her tear stained face. His eyes were dark, full of rich and real tender passion; his gaze unmoving as he looked down at her. She trembled with terror and fear as she tried so hard to hold his seemingly unemotional gaze; when she couldn't keep his eyes any longer, she turned from him and found herself stifling back another wave of nausea. Watching her tremble and wretch on the floor before him nearly broke him; he loved her so much and wanted nothing more than to take all the pain away, but he knew he couldn't and that instead he knew he had to remain steady and strong for her. Taking a deep breath and refusing to take his eyes off her, he slowly and cautiously reached out his open arms to her; not wanting to startle her or frighten her. Placing one hand softly on her hair he ran his hand through the strands in a gentle caress in the way he knew soothed her and would also allow him to avoid touching her bare skin. As soon as she felt his tender hand on her hair, she seemed to still; her nausea and gut wrenching sobs slowed until finally she was only letting out gentle tiny little sobs. As she stilled he let his hand fall from her beautiful silky hair that was currently dripping wet and tied loosely in parts and hanging down in others. As she felt his soothing hand move from her, she contemplated what she was going to do. Her desire for comfort won over her fear and shame as she looked up at her waiting husband and slowly moved her heap of limbs and soaked towel and embraced the arms he still had held out in front of her. Chakotay's eyes slid shut with a silent prayer to the Spirits. He felt the heaviness in her body that was weighing on her soul fall into his embrace; it was overwhelming and crushing, but he knew he had to stay strong, not for himself…for her. Her wet hair fell against his upper torso as she buried her face in his broad chest. He rested his chin on her dripping wet head and held her tight; careful to keep both his hands on the towel. He felt her hands cling tightly to his shirt against his back. The tighter she held on, the more he vowed never to let go; he wanted nothing more than to take all her hurt away. Closing his eyes he lowered his face to the top of her head and planted a soft, loving kiss on the wet auburn strands. It was an awkward position for both of them to be in and he wanted to hold her up as much as possible, and when he felt he would fall over he quietly urged, "Kathryn, My Beloved?" She trembled at the soft affectionate words he used and a further wave of shuddering tears spilled over as she wept in his arms. She felt she didn't deserve him and certainly didn't deserve him to call her _beloved, _but still he did. "Love," he reaffirmed sensing her panicky feelings, which were now raging with in her, still he refused to let go of his precious wife; he loved her with all his heart and would not give up on her. "I want to hold you longer my dear, but soon both of us will fall over, or end up with awful cramps if we stay like this, and I am not too fond of falling over in the bathroom." Chakotay stopped and allowed a small smile to creep across his face as he felt her snort into his chest and then a very tiny shudder of laughter escape her at his statement. "How about we stand up and get you into something dry so that you are more comfortable." He hoped she understood him and would not take his request as a rejection. She nodded to show her agreement and understanding, and with that her arms moved lower around him briefly as though looking for support in helping her stand. Offering her that support, he put his arms around her and helped her stand. He realized his hands held her bare arms, something he had been very conscious of not doing when he first approached her, but she didn't seem to mind at the moment. He prayed to the Spirits she would continue to be content with his touch and together they moved to stand straighter; he was extremely conscious of the towel that was slipping from around her body. He knew her felt very vulnerable and he did not want her to be further embarrassed in front of him. Sensing that she was too emotional to speak, Chakotay followed her lead and stood tall in front of her, careful not to stare at her loosely clad form beneath the towel. Giving her a reassuring smile he turned and scanned the room for a second towel and with it he also found a large fluffy robe. He handed her the large towel and said lovingly, "Here Kathryn, this is a dry one, let's get your dried off and your hair wrapped. Perhaps you would like to dry off in this fluffy robe. I can step out while you change." His soft dimpled smile wavered as he saw she was staring wide eyed at him. She stiffened immediately at his statement. He saw her do it the instant he had suggested he go outside, it made him unsure of what to do, seconds earlier he had vowed not to leave her and now he was telling her he was going to leave the room. He was just trying to give her the space she needed, but he didn't know if she would see that in her current emotional condition. He didn't know how to interpret her protest. He watched her, the way she looked uneasy at the towel and robe, the way she sort of bit her bottom lip like a worried little girl, and the way she kept looking up at him wide eyed like she wanted to ask him something, but not quite being able to. Chakotay stared at her face, refusing to let his eyes wander; she was there, clad in a loosely tied towel, dripping wet, her hair tangled and scrunched up, half tied up, her freckled shoulders bare. She was stunning, the most beautiful woman he had ever had the privilege to know and she was his wife. Those thoughts made him stand with pride to think of her as his wife. His face crept into a soft dimpled smile as he remembered the first time he had seen her clad only in a towel, all those years ago on New Earth; the day he realised he truly loved her and always would. Taking a chance on trusting his instincts, he stepped back towards her as her eyes held his and he softly took the dry towel from her trembling hands and whispered in a deep rich voice, "Kathryn, do you want me to help you into your robe?" There was a slight hesitation, she stared at him, he at her. He was relieved to see she didn't stiffen or lash out at his proposal; she only turned slightly away from him, still in shame, lowered head and nodded her wish for his help. If he was honest, seeing her like this scared him a lot, but he knew he had to simply go with it. She needed him and he would be there for her; meeting her wherever she was. Taking a deep breath he held opened the large fluffy robe and waited for her to find her way into it. The way he held the robe blocked her from his view; he wanted her to know he wasn't using this as a way of taking advantage of her vulnerability. She seemed to be aware of the fact he wasn't able to see her nakedness. She was now standing with her back to him as the robe hung loosely from her shoulders still open. He slowly walked around her so he faced her. As she stood watching him, he steadily moved his hands to run from her shoulders down the rim of the opening without touching her skin. Slowly he took both sides of the fluffy robe and wrapped them around her in order to cover her bare frame where she stood fully naked before him. She gasped slightly as he began to tie the sash; still without lowering his eyes to stare at her form. Chakotay was sure it was not a gasp of joy but of worry; he pretended not to hear it for now. When he finished tying the sash, he smiled and ran his hand softly through her dripping wet hair. Picking up the fresh towel he began to rub her hair dry. Slowly she turned back to him and snatched the towel from him and cast it aside. She held his gaze for a few seconds before she walked into his embrace once again. He wrapped his arms around her and stood there with her for several moments just running his hands up and down her back as he whispered soothing words in her ear.

After some time she gave out a small shudder, but managed to find a small voice and admitted, "Chakotay, I'm scared." He gently kissed her forehead and stroked her lower back with his copper hands and kept her drawn into him which gave her the courage to ask, "Will you hold me for a while longer before we have to go?" She had shuddered a bit through her request still fearful of his rejection, but he never let go of her as she clung tightly to his chest.

Giving the top of her head another gentle kiss he smiled and whispered deeply, "Yes, you know I will Love." He released her and took her hand firmly in his, giving it a gentle squeeze and gave her a reassuring smile as he moved towards the open door to return to the small bedroom. As they neared the door she was surprised to see him stop and stoop before a laundry basket. She was confused and wide eyed until she realised her son was lying there asleep. Suddenly she felt ashamed and inadequate as a mother; she hadn't even thought of her son or his safety in the last half hour, she hadn't even known he was in the same room. Part of her wanted to be angry at her husband for allowing her to break down in such a way in front of her son without even telling her he was in the room. She began to turn from her husband and son, tears in her eyes, but Chakotay reached out and took her hand making her face him again as he took her hands and placed her son in her arms. She didn't protest as she looked down at their beautiful baby. The delicate and tiny life in her arms slept peacefully as her tears rolled down her face. Chakotay leant in and kissed her cheek before leaning down and kissing his tiny son's forehead. He the wrapped his arm around his wife's shoulder and guided her into the deserted corridor, with her free hand she reached up and took his hand and gripped it fiercely.

If he was honest, her quiet admission and request to be held had surprised him a bit; normally she didn't ask for such things, she never had, she had always wanted to appear the strong and controlled and sometimes as an emotionless Captain, but he knew this time they both needed the comfort of an embrace. Maybe that was why he didn't question her request. He would never refuse her. Slowly, he led her to the bed never letting go of the hand she still tightly grasped while she held her son with the other. Sitting down on the bed he gestured for her to join him. As she slowly lowered herself to sit beside him on the bed, he wrapped one arm securely around her shoulders and pulled her to him, kissing the side of her head as he did. She moved closer into his embrace and buried her head in his shoulder and chest as the tears once again engulfed her, wracking her body with uncontrollable sobs. She still held the sleeping Caleb between them, but the child began to stir as his mother sobbed. Chakotay did not know what to do next, but he did know that he wasn't going to let go of her; she needed him. His beloved Kathryn had asked to be held, and that is what he was going to do. Still keeping his arm around her, he tightened his grip on her as he pulled her closer into him and began to run his fingers through her hair to soothe her in the way he knew she liked. Her head still rested against his shoulder as she looked down at the bright blue eyes of Caleb still in her arms. After a long while the sobs wracking her body ceased and she only occasionally shuddered in his embrace as she fought to calm herself as she was enshrouded in the solace of his loving arms. Chakotay kept his eyes on her and his son in her arms at all times. Caleb seemed to have drifted back into a content sleep in his mother arms. Chakotay had to smile as he watched his wife with their beautiful baby; her whole face lit up and shone as she looked down at his tiny form in her arms. Kathryn looked up slowly form her sons face and met that of her husbands. As she did his hand in her hair stopped its gentle caress. He smiled at her and she found herself smiling back, there was no other place she wanted to be than in his arms feeling insulated against the world around them. She saw all the love and patience he had for her as she held his eyes; it gave her the strength to know she could tell him about the painful parts of her life without fear that he would look at her and see the disgusting whore she saw when she looked at herself…a whore of a woman unworthy of his or anyone else's love; worthy of only his disgust and distain. She hoped that perhaps over time she might even believe what he kept telling her; that she was none of those disgusting things. She never wanted her son to know her like that.

Kathryn opened her mouth to speak, but lost her courage and lowered her gaze as she shifted herself once more to find a comfortable position. Chakotay was watching her intently and knew she had gone to say something and stopped herself. Wanting to encourage her to talk to him, he kissed her forehead and took her face in his hands and gently caressed her cheeks with his thumbs as he leaned his forehead against hers and whispered softly to her, "My Kathryn, My Love, there isn't anything you can't tell me. I won't love you any less; nothing could make me love you any less. I love you no matter what. I promise you that will all my heart. Whatever you need, we will work through it together. You don't have to go through this alone." She slowly looked up to him as he continued to stroke her cheeks and gaze into her red, swollen eyes silently conveying his support and love.

Letting her eyes fall shut in his tender caress she took a deep breath and whispered "I need more time," it was all she could say, but it was enough for him to understand and respect the honesty in her simple words.

Chakotay smiled warmly and gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze of reassurance before he leaned in and kissed her cheek and began stroking her upper back and whispered deeply, "You can have all the time you need, my Love." Kathryn went to say something else, but Chakotay gave her another reassuring kiss on the cheek and began soothing his son's hair as though trying to show her he had dropped the subject and was prepared to move on.

Kathryn watched him as he talked softly to their son in his native language. She leaned back into his shoulder and closed her eyes and cracked a slight smile, she felt so content like that, with both her men, her little family. As she sunk into him and he continued to busy himself in their son she began to laugh to herself. He looked at her so confused and surprised she had to laugh further as she offered him such a real warm smile and shook her head at him with amusement. She hadn't meant what she said in the way he took it. "I meant that I need more time being held." As she said those words realisation dawned on his face, but still he looked at her not quite sure what to say next. She continued for him, "Chakotay, I know the party is going to start soon and that's ok, that's a good thing, but I want to calm down more before I face people." She kissed him on the cheek and whispered in his ear, "You have prepared this for me and I want to enjoy it, I need time just being held with you and Caleb before we get ready and go down."

Chakotay moved himself behind her and pulled her back into his chest so she was almost relaxed and lying into him. He kissed the back of her neck where water still fell from her damp hair and he growled softly in her ear, "Let's just stay together like this. I'll tell you and Caleb a story, maybe even a Little Tree story."

Kathryn smiled a warm smile and tilted her face toward her shoulder so she could look at him, she nodded and said "I would like that." Chakotay felt her whole body relax into him as she looked down at her son still safe in her arms and whispered, "So would Caleb." Chakotay smiled a dimpled smile and kissed her cheek. He wrapped his arms around her and gave her arms a reassuring caress.

(+)(+)(+)

Both Kathryn and Caleb had almost fallen asleep to the sound of Chakotay's rich voice telling them of a new tale of Little Tree. When he had realised she was falling off to sleep in his arms he had smiled and began singing a gentle song in his native tongue. Though she didn't know the words she had felt so blessed to have them sung to her. She loved the sound of his language which she knew so private and special to him and his tribe. He had just finished his song and was planting a gentle kiss on her forehead, and only the sound of Caleb's soft snoring was could be heard in the little room. "Don't stop," Kathryn whispered as she snuggled further into her husband's chest; a smile crept into her content looking face, her eyes still shut and her breathing relaxed and steady.

Chakotay looked down at her and smiled, he was surprised she was still awake. Leaning down he kissed her forehead and stoked the hair from her face and sighed and told her, "Kathryn, we are going to have to start getting ready soon."

Kathryn's smile faltered for a second, but then returned as she reached up and took his hand from her cheek and held in in hers as Chakotay stoked her knuckles with his thumb. Slowly her eyes opened and she nodded and told him, "I know." She saw the concern in his eyes and she smiled warmly and reassured him, "It will be ok." And with that she stood and began walking across the room to place the child still in her arms in the small cot in the room.

Chakotay watched her with concern at first, but as he watched her he saw her courage and strength returning to her and he stood to join her. Wrapping his arms tightly around her from behind in a sign of affection he kissed the side of her neck behind her ear lobe. Kathryn let out a small contented laugh and then turned so that she was facing him as he held her in his arms, they stood their faces inches from each other as they gazed into each other eyes. Slowly Chakotay found she was leaning into him and he into her, his hands found their way up her back into her still wet hair as their lips met in a soft kiss. They both relished the intimate contact with each other and the kiss soon became passionate. When they finally parted, she placed her hand on his chest and said in her husky voice which she reserved only for him, "We should get ready Chakotay," and with that she turned from him and pulled the tie out of her hair so that it's wet auburn stands fell down her back.

Chakotay was mesmerised for a few seconds before whispering, "You're still wet," and without thinking or stopping to question took a towel from the side of the bed and began rubbing her wet hair dry.

Kathryn felt like she wanted to tense and to stop him, but his actions were too tender for her to complain, and as she let the tender actions sweep through her, she realized she actually liked what he was doing. She smiled warmly as he let the knotted strands brush along the finger tips. She barely heard him whisper, "Your hair is getting really long."

With a raised eyebrow which he didn't even see she asked, "Is that a problem mister?" the sound of laughter in her voice gave her away as not being serious.

Spinning her gently back round to face him, he kissed the tip of her nose and handed her a hair brush saying, "No dearest, of course not, just please don't ever have that ridiculous bun again." Kathryn merely scowled at him as she began brushing the hair in question so that it was a lot smoother and silkier.

Kathryn stood there looking him up and down and ignoring his last comment until she snapped playfully, "You know you don't look so hot yourself, sort it out Captain." The twinkle in her beautiful blue eyes told him she was serious, but also teasing him.

Chakotay smiled at her and announced, "Yes Ma'am," as he turned his head and began to change his shirt. He stood with his back to her, well aware she drying off and also changing and was still in need of a lot of privacy. Kathryn was watching him from behind as he made her smile and feel so very safe and respected. Her husband not intruded on her as she changed. As she did up her dress she said softly, "We have about 10 minutes; I'll change Caleb and give him a quick feed before we go." When Chakotay finally turned to his wife she was whispering gently in their son's ear and looked as joyful and free as he had ever seen her. She looked beautiful and radiant. She was his wife and he longed for this view of her more often, not the distraught woman he had rescued from the bathroom just an hour before. In some ways it was hard to image that she could ever be anything but the strong and confidant woman that most people had come to know, but her knew her more deeply than most and was privileged that she was beginning to share her burdens with him.


End file.
